Yeah, I know

[mydopedmind-blog]

And I still don’t understand how something so broken can still be shattered to pieces...

Again... and again... and again...

[mydopedmind-blog]

Miserable

You tell me you love me, but it's just empty words, because loving someone isn't just words. Loving someone is wanting them to be happy, to achieve their dreams; it's taking care of them, it's supporting them. Loving someone is showing them when they're wrong, but it's also admitting when you're the one mistaken; it's always choosing them without putting anyone on a pedestal, but also not putting them below it. Loving someone is something beautiful, that must make you and the beloved one happy. But when you say you love me, I just hear empty words with no meaning at all. It's just like you're trying to accomplish a tedious job; and I am the tedious job. So please, don't say you love me when it's not true, because instead of making me happy, you only make me miserable for knowing I will never be worth feeling this.

[mydopedmind-blog]

Beautiful

Just like all people, you love beautiful things. That's when I understood why you could never love me.

[mydopedmind-blog]

Youth

I get so angry, yet so sad when I realise how young I was when I first learned how I am not enough. Angry, because we are so fragile and, as youths, we are not supposed to feel like a failure; angry, because I was taught love is supposed to hurt, it's supposed to tear you apart. Sad, because if this is what love is, I don't think I want to be loved at all.

[mydopedmind-blog]

Fall

How can I be falling apart when there's so little of me left to fall? How am I feeling this heavy weight pressed on my chest, when I feel empty all the time?

[mydopedmind-blog]

Distant

You always ask how I feel, smile on your face and knifes in your hands behind your back, ready to sin. Always talking about how I'm too cold, when I learned that from you. You're always complaining I'm too distant, but never ask yourself why am I distant. You're always making me feel low, when you should be the one making me feel loved. I guess you're just the toxin that started this cancer in my brain, that won't let me live.

[mydopedmind-blog]

Heavy

I don't feel like a person anymore. I think I never did. I feel like I'm a weight, mostly a dead weight. I haven't been treated like a person for so long, I think I just forgot how to be one. I'm just my fears and sadness. I'm just failure and mistakes. I'm just this heavy weight on my chest, keeping this body from breathing. And it's so heavy. I just wish I could let it go.

[mydopedmind-blog]

Breathless

My lips are sealed, my mind, screaming. It's out of breath with collapsed lungs, shouting as loud as possible, just seeking for an answer. Why did you abandon me? I don't understand. The only answer that comes to my mind is that I'm too much to handle, and not enough to love.

[mydopedmind-blog]

Numb

I don’t like how burnt my throat gets with the milky smoke; I don’t like the judgement eyes from my friends. But it turns out that when I’m reasonably high, I get so numb that I don’t even think about killing myself. And I can’t ignore this wonderful feeling.

[mydopedmind-blog]

Need

I’m always thinking about this strange need we have to fall in love with someone, to have someone with you. How we go on messy dates and insecure touches, just because we don’t want to be alone; because we have this need of loving when we don’t even know what love is.

[mydopedmind-blog]

Scars

I miss the feeling of falling in love. When you actually let yourself fall and you feel great, because loving someone is beautiful. I miss the feeling of befriending this someone, because they make you so happy, you just want to kiss them. That’s what I miss the most. Because nowadays people are afraid. We’re afraid of being vulnerable, of being hurt. It’s too hard to heal yourself when you’re hurt this much, it leaves scars, and they remind you to never do something like that again, so you end up missing a lot in life for having walls up too high

[mydopedmind-blog]

Alone

I get sad when I think that I’m struggling since I was 12 with mental disorders and my parents don’t give a fuck; my sister feels the same way I do, did the same things I did and they still help and spoil her so she doesn’t have to feel low all the time. The point is, I’m not jealous of my sister, I’m glad she has support; I just get sad that it just proves that my parents aren’t bad parents, they just don’t care enough about me, they never did. Because they have it in them, they’re capable of supporting and loving someone, I am the problem. And I’ve been trying to figure out why they’re like this, so I came to terms that’s there’s just something wrong with me. I am messed up, I am someone not worth caring for; and I‘m always wondering if anyone can love myself if even the people who should love me unconditionally can’t.