Today I finally decided to begin learning how to actually cope with having cyclothymia. I’ve had the diagnosis for months, I thought I was learning how to deal with it… understanding what was “it” and what was a rational reaction to something.
I’ve tried researching it in the past, but almost in a passive way. Wanting to learn but not really interested in using that information in my day-to-day life. I almost felt as though learning more about it was accepting defeat. Stupid, I know. But almost everyone in my life currently would like to pretend this isn’t a real problem, or that if we ignore it.. it’ll go away. And I so so desperately want that to be true. But so far, no soap. When you feel as though no one wants to understand you.. you do start to wonder why you’re bothering to do it yourself.
But now I’ve started a new chapter (at least I hope anyways, writing this is a way of making myself commit to actually changing things). I want to join a support group, I want to talk to other people like me and figure out what the hell to do. I’m not saying anyone else will have an answer for me, but talking and educating myself can only help me figure out what my method will be.
The more research I do though… it’s insane how accurate some of these descriptions are. It’s crazy to learn about other people, across the world, whose lives are copies of my own. An example is from an article talking about cyclothymia from a disease perspective and some of the qualifications for a diagnosis.
* depressed moods or loss of interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities & pastimes alternating with hypomania periods (elevated, expansive, or irritable moods)
*becomes excessively involved in pleasurable activities with lack of concern for the high potential of painful consequences alternating with restriction of involvement in pleasurable activities & guilt over past activities
*alternating between over-optimism or exaggeration of past achievements & a pessimistic attitude towards the future, or brooding about past events
*is more talkative than usual with inappropriate laughing, joking, punning; then less talkative with tearfulness or crying
*decreased need for sleep alternating with hyposomnia
*has shaky self-esteem: naive overconfidence alternating with lack of self confidence
*periods of sharp and creative thinking alternating with periods of mental confusion & apathy
*frequently shifts line of work, study, interest, or future plans
*has irritable-angry-explosive outbursts that alienate loved ones (holy fuck yes… and I hate myself every day for this)
So these are just a few qualifications from that article. And holy shit did they get it right… it made me understand me a bit better, and certainly helped me understand my mother. I’ve read a lot more articles that support what this particular one has said. The more I read.. I don’t know.. I want to say the better I feel, but it’s all still pretty new. I’m not sure how I feel yet. But knowledge is power so… here’s to figuring out what the hell is going on in my head.
I’m also going to attach an interesting graph I found mapping out the different waves of the emotional rollercoaster. Some people will look at it and have it make perfect sense, but it’s not for every one.
