Conversations With My Kids

My kids talk funny.

[mykidscantalk]

No, it's a magic asparagus that turns people into animals!

-Arrow (age 3) 7/3/22

[mykidscantalk]

1800s (11/11/21)

Jack (age 11): You remember when you were back in high school and there were those annoying, jock football players?

Me: I went to an all-girl high school; we didn't have a football team.

Jack: Well, that's because you were born in the 1800s, Mother!

Me: o_0

[mykidscantalk]

Hair (2/1/21)

Jack (age 10): I'm not sure what Owen did to my hair.

Me: Uh, it's called brushing it.

Jack: Oh. Feels weird.

[mykidscantalk]

MacGyver (5/10/12)

A text conversation with my husband...

Me: The handle broke off the mop. :( now we'll have to get a new one... when we get the money. grrr

Him: How did u break it

Me: I was just mopping and it cracked then broke off.

Him: Well macgyver it

Me: Well maybe if we had duct tape. But we don't

Him: Paper clip and a straw is all u need

Me: I think even macgyver would need more than that.

Him: No that is all he would need

Me: Well then we need to have macgyver come fix it. That's something I could really get behind. :P

Him: U get your mind out of the gutter he is old enough to be your father

Me: He's still hot.

[mykidscantalk]

Reading (1/28/20)

Jack (age 9): *crying about having to do his reading*

Me: Have you finished reading that chart from your planets book?

Jack: *crying harder* But I only have to read for ten minutes.

Me: So?

Jack: Well, I'll just read longer if I read that.

Me: ???

Jack: I don't want to read longer!

[mykidscantalk]

Night Out (12/31/19)

Meagan (age 19): Can you watch the baby so I can go to a New Year's Eve Party?

Me: I guess. I'll have to make some more coffee to get through the night, though.

Meagan: Oh, he'll be sleeping soon--it'll be fine.

Arrow (age 7 months): [at 1am] Sucker! Hahahahaha!

Me: Next time I'm getting payment in advance. At least a Diet Coke and some chocolate.

[mykidscantalk]

Tripping (1/25/17)

Yesterday...

Brenna (age 15): I totally just tripped going up the stairs.

Today...

Brenna: How come you get to use the nice bowls and I can't?

Me: Because I don't trip going up the stairs.

[mykidscantalk]

Dance With Me (1/2/10)

Nora (age 3): (to the Christmas Tree) Would you like to dance, tree?

Nora: *takes two branches, sways and hums "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"*

[mykidscantalk]

Popcorn (1/2/10)

Me: Who said you could have popcorn?

Nora (age 3): I said I could have popcorn. My brain said I could. I said, "brain, can I have popcorn?" and my brain said, "yes, you can have popcorn."

[mykidscantalk]

Introducing the newest member of the family. He’s not talking yet, but I’m sure he’ll provide hours of entertainment and sick burns when he does start.

Welcome, Arrow!

[mykidscantalk]

Teeny-Tiny (4/19/19)

Owen (age 17): I thought you were just putting in a load of laundry?

Meagan (age 18): *holding newborn baby clothes* I am. But look how teeny-tiny this is.

Owen: Look how many shits I give!

Owen's friend: *laughing hysterically*

Me: *sigh*

[mykidscantalk]

Requests (12/11/18)

Brenna (age 16): Can I request to be hit by a bus?

Me: Sounds extreme. I could push you down the stairs.

Brenna: No, I do that all by myself. I even push myself up the stairs sometimes. When I'm feeling frisky.

[mykidscantalk]

Darkness (9/1/18)

Brenna (age 15): This is Ember. Ember this is my mom and that's my little brother, Jack. We don't talk to him.

Jack (age 8): *singing* Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Me: LOL

[mykidscantalk]

It's Only Thursday (8/30/18)

Brenna (age 15): I'm turning into you--I have to do all the cleaning.

Me: Well, I'm turning into you because I'm thinking about taking a nap.

Brenna: Oh, no, it's Freaky Friday!

Me: But it's only Thursday.

(at least the bathroom's clean now)

[mykidscantalk]

I'm glad I finally learned to spell my middle name.

Brenna (age 15)

[mykidscantalk]

Dinner (7/4/18)

(after spending about three hours making/grilling dinner for my kids and their friends for the 4th of July)

Kids: Thanks for dinner. It's really great.

Me: And guess who gets to clean up.

Kids: Us!

Me: Exactly.

Me: *puts all food away, collects dishes, empties and loads dishwasher*

[mykidscantalk]

Siri

Brenna (age 15): *trying to get Siri to say the name of our town* Siri, where does Meagan live?

Siri: I'm sorry, do you mean Stupid Hoe?

Brenna: *runs from the room in hysterics*

Me: *dying*