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Killher

#poetry #pantoum #random #writing

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A thought.

Sometimes I look back at my life and I realize that I didn't appreciate my family as much as I should have in the past. I took them for granted, and I remember being a bratty 16 year old - yelling at my Mom, sneaking out, wishing I was born into a rich family that let me stay out all night with friends, who didn't call me every once in a while to check up on me. I can honestly say that it took me 20 years to realize how lucky I had it.

Even when my parents took care of countless foster children that I would constantly see come and go from terrible families, it never occurred to me that I had an awesome family and should count my blessings.

Now though, at 22, I wish I had soaked up every second of my family and those moments I can never relive. I wish I had talked to my mom instead of slamming the door in her face, smiled at the Christmas presents I did get instead of pouting about the ones I didn't, enjoyed the company of my family instead of fighting with my siblings. These things all seem so meaningless now - I feel like I've wasted so much time being angry with my family instead of just loving them.

I never understood those people who got along with their parents when I was younger, I also thought it was this "taboo" thing to get along with your parents and want to hangout with them when you're a teenager. Now I realize, that I was the problem, not my parents.

The good news is, my family is still here and I can do my best to enjoy and love every second I am with them. So, I'm pretty lucky still. I just wish it didn't take me so long to realize what a great family I have.

I went home for my dad's 50th birthday last weekend and that's when it hit me. He looked SO old. His hair was so gray and his face was so worn. My mom looked so tired and stressed, she was having a drink at 3 in the afternoon. My older sister looked so old with her 15 month old daughter on her hip and her motherly attitude. My other sister - a recovering heroin addict, was pacing around and sweating. I can't remember the last time I had a conversation with her. My younger brother, was whipping around a stick shift like he had known how to drive for years and was complaining about his girlfriend.

I felt so completely removed from my family like an outsider, I didn't know what to really talk about besides school and my life. I felt so guilty for hiding away at school, having fun with my friends - not calling to ask how anyone was or having a conversation with my parents.

It made me realize that this was MY family and I only got one. From then on I promised myself that I would love my family to the greatest extent before it was too late. I had let them slip away from me before my eyes and I had to fix it.

I'm so scared of

Lots of things. Of not making my parents proud. Of never finding a good job. Of never doing something meaningful. Of never knowing where my life will end. Of not being a good aunt. Of never forgiving my sister. Of never finding what I truly love. Of leaving college....