ellievsbear
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if i look back, i am lost
Sade Olutola
YOU ARE THE REASON
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Not today Justin
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@mymixedfeelings
#5
08.08.20
I’m uncomfortable in my own skin.
I hate these days and I hate existing in this point in time, I’m alone and I’ve forgotten how it was to be like this.Â
My desire is to leave more and to start again, I don’t know if what I’m doing is correct or if what I aspire is worth it.Â
I need advice from someone and I can’t ask them because they’re a person that I’ve become strangers with long ago.
I wish you would reach out.
I wish I could hear you again.
#4
13.07.20
I finally got the peace I wanted and well I fell indifferent, I can’t seem to be happy bur at the same time I’m not sad or bothered either. I fell tired and want to sleep but when I go to sleep I just can’t for some reason.
Right now I kinda feel like crying but at the same time I know that won’t help or make me feel better and it makes me angry that I can’t feel anything but the anger right now. I guess I really do need professional help or I just need to learn to be alone again.
I also want to talk to you, I want to tell you that I’m sorry and I want to tell you that I really haven’t stopped loving you even after all these years. I hate it and I hate that I love you. I don’t want to love you, I honestly wish we never met all those years ago. I hate how it seems that you are my destiny and how you and I are always going to be connected. I wish that since I never not want to know about you, I want to be able to see you and talk to you once in a while but that’s it. I wish you would reach out even though it should be me that does that.
I wish you could somehow find this and know it was for you.
I wish I could tell you I love you.Â
#3
11.07.20
Its been a little over a month and well it´s been a mixed bad. On one hand I have a goal set in motion but honestly I could care less. On the other hand well I’ve been a mess of a sorry excuse of a person. I think I finally broke down and well realized that maybe I just might be sad forever. Someone I love dearly told me today that maybe I was right, I really came to this world to be sad and I truly believe she was right.
The worst part is that I think I might be too scared to actually want to stop being sad.
I feel tired of being and tired of this empty feeling, I really think about hearing you and I hate it because of all that I know about you and what you´ve done. It’s stupid to think you´re the person I fell in love with all those years ago. Yet I just can´t escape from you.
Please talk to me and help me, I just want to hear you
#2
01.06.2020
It’s been a few days since I’ve posted and for no other reason than well, I’ve just been okay. It’s always been that after I pour out a few words well things just clear up a little. But here I am again, lost as ever.
To be honest can’t let go of. Now after really thinking about it I’m just lost in everyway. Up to the end of last year I really felt like I could take the world by storm. That was until I got a hard reality check and well it all went down hill from there.
I don’t know what to do with my life, it just seems like it’s fading away, and I know it seems like life is still so far ahead yet I’m so scared of everything that lies ahead. All I really want is more time and well to freeze time right now. The world is in chaos, but my world seems to be as normal as ever. I want my family to stay and I want to stay with them even though I know my future is probably far away from where I am and it kills me inside so much that I might be ruining my future just to keep this moment that I know won’t last forever.
I’m more scared than lost in that sense and I feel so pathetic about it. I’m getting all the help I can but in the end it all seems that I’m stuck because I want to be stuck, I don’t help myself and I’m grieving over just my bad decisions.
I wish I could see more clearly; I wish I had more confidence not only in myself but in life in general,
I wish I could.
#1
19.05.20
I’m not expecting anyone to read this but if you’re here welcome.
I mainly made this as an outlet for my daily thought that seem to haunt me endlessly, thought of loneliness, sadness, and the occasional hope, I guess.
I just needed a safe space to say that I miss you, that's all.
I miss you and as of late its as if the world wants us together, I hate it. Seeing you was the worse thing that could have happened honestly. Its been 6 years since we have been together, and one would think you’d move on, but I can’t. At times it has been better, and I have even stopped thinking about you but like I said, as of late I really don’t know what to think.
I’m going though a tough time and worse part is, I’m in a relationship of some years now and I’m having these thoughts. I’m in love all day but at night I’m longing to be with someone else. I don’t want these thought I just want peace and maybe peace isn’t with the person I’m with or you.
All I know is that these thoughts are not taking me anywhere and I have never been so lost before.
To you that I miss, I love you endlessly as I promised many years ago.