the ironic priesthood

[mymormonmom]

The good ol’ days were when Coca-Cola still contained cocaine; when opium was still over-the-counter at your neighborhood pharmacy. Ah, those were simpler times, when folks knew the value of a dollar (: a dollar).

[mymormonmom]

God ate my homework. Sorry, Teach! His will be done, u kno, like I ain’t about to question His Divine Plan

[mymormonmom]

The similarity between the undies your significant other gifts you and the undies your mom used to give you for Christmas

[mymormonmom]

Gimlet the Ghostie

[mymormonmom]

Yo, I’m nurturing as hell

[pinkallaround]

[mymormonmom]

Time flies when you’re busy having various emotional breakdowns

[mymormonmom]

shit, if Kendrick wanna see ass with some stretch marks, all he gotta do is ask 

[mymormonmom]

It takes me at least a year to do anything.

[mymormonmom]

The only way to hang out with that motherfucker is to subpoena his ass

[mymormonmom]

It’s not going to be fun, most of the time.

[mymormonmom]

I was sad before sad was cool. You think you can just try on the sad girl trend to look beautifully despondent on the ‘gram?! This is a lifestyle!!

[mymormonmom]

That is one angry baby.

[mymormonmom]

Can vegetarians smell it when you have meat on you?

[mymormonmom]

get off me, boy, don’t like to cuddle when I sleep

[theweirdwideweb]

[mymormonmom]

Complimentary yo momma joke: Yo momma so considerate, she let me put her down as a personal reference so I could get a job at Floor & Decor. She’s a really nice lady.