just nothing

20 years old, trying to be sexy, well read, nerdy and indie. life doesn't go the way i want it to but that's not the point.

[mynewidentity]

nope

[arabwife]

I’ll get over it I just gotta be dramatic first

[mynewidentity]

boys are stupid. thanks for the reminder, universe.

[mynewidentity]

felt super good for weeks and then a day like today comes. there is nothing special about today, my hormones just thought it would be fun to make me feel like crying all day.

[mynewidentity]

Hormones are fucking my mental health.

[mynewidentity]

I’m at a pretty good stage emotionally, so if everything else could just work out. That would be perfect.

Financially not secured. Not in the best physcial shape. Studies are not going as planned. I seem to be very behind of everything, very much a late bloomer in every sense. Somehow I always thought it would just be there, a job, a relationship, a soulmate, a best friend, motivation. But I have quickly learnt that all of that is hard work, constant hard work and effort have to be put in those things. Enthusiasm isn’t hard to fake but motivation is not something that comes easily to me. Falling back into old patterns on the other hand, that’s definitely not a lot of effort for moi.

[mynewidentity]

cheeky throwback when i had long hair :P

[mynewidentity]

Fucking hell, my life is fucked up rn. But at least I know my punctuation.

[supersecretsciencebrosclub-deac]

Look, there are some people you’re just always going to be a little bit in love with. Your high school sweet heart, your college sweet heart, prince zuko, the first significant other you live with. Just accept that it’s normal and move on.

[mynewidentity]

I read so much stuff in the last few days that I’ve written and it’s so full of pain. It’s crazy good too. So weird.

[mynewidentity]

I saw him last Friday, totally threw me off. We even talked and I was being very adult about it. But it completely threw me off the tracks. I saw him again today, same place, again in the evening. I somehow had looked for him. It was inevitable. It’s his birthday today. I wonder. No. I don’t. Stop.

[mynewidentity]

i miss a lot. i miss my best friend. i miss having a boyfriend. i miss having sex with someone i love or deeply admire and like. i miss kissing the same person over and over and it not getting boring. i miss the passionate kisses, i miss the thrusting. i miss the strong arms. i miss it all. i miss having someone i have deep feelings for. i miss allowing myself to feel it. i miss the innonce i had a year ago. i miss loving someone and being loved in return, wholeheartedly and with every cell of my body. i miss being looked at with desire by someone i desire just as much. i miss a lot of it.

[mynewidentity]

So there’s this guy at my gym that I have the biggest crush on. I wanted to talk to him today to ask him out, so after a day of cleaning and doing everything i didn’t want to do, but did out of procrastination, I finally overcame my fear and went to the gym, only to find out he didn’t work today. Well, at least I had a half decent workout.

[mynewidentity]

I am okay. I think I can actually do this whole adult thing. I’m paying bills, working to pay said bills, going to my lectures (mostly) on time, making new friends, going to the gym. Now, somehow I just have to get my mental (and physical) health in order and give my love life a kickstart, then i’ll be all set up.

[rosewater1997]

wish i had a lover! instead i have depression

[mynewidentity]

what i had to do today: lots of stuff

what i did today: nothing

how i feel: guilty

does this feeling make me wanna do something: no

[mynewidentity]

I feel like i’m having a 2013 flashback, but i acutally feel like 2015. Like complete and utter shit, so lost, so fucking unsure and so depressed.

I want to go back a year. I thought it was worse then, maybe it was but I didn’t know. The bubble hadn’t been burst yet. I still thought I was totally fine. I had a handsome, caring, wonderful boyfriend.I thought life was going to get better.