Mike
You know, I always told myself you were a deadbeat dad. That there was nothing wrong with me. That it was you. That you were the bad one in all this. You were a shitty father. You were never there for me. You were in and out of jail without ever knowing what it was like to sacrifice for your children. Any of your children.
But boy was I wrong...
Turns out it was ME all along. You have a whole family. A wife. Children. Grandchildren. I have nieces and nephews! People that should be my family that I never met. That I will never meet. Because you didn’t want me.
Me.
But you wanted them. You stuck around for them. You were a father to them. You were everything to them that you were never for me.
I keep telling myself that it’s not a big deal. I didn’t have you but I had plenty of love in my life. I turned out just fine. I’m 27. I live in another city. I’ve built a life here. I can survive on my own now. I’ve got a good head on my shoulders...
But there’s this little voice inside my head that tells me it’s not true. Things may have been different. Maybe I wouldn’t be seeking validation everywhere. Maybe I wouldn’t be promiscuous. Maybe I wouldn’t try to find love in all the wrong places. Maybe I wouldn’t be giving so much of myself to the first man that shows me even an ounce of affection. Maybe I wouldn’t have so many commitment issues. Maybe I’d be a better person. A good person.
Maybe I could blame every single one of my mistakes, every single thing that went wrong, every goddamn tear on you.
Except...I can’t.
I want so badly for you to want me. I want to feel like my father loves me. I don’t care how much time has passed. I’m still the lost little girl that spent 27 years looking for you, asking why you couldn’t be there. Wondering if you’d every look for me half as much as I did for you.
I’M STILL JUST A KID.
YOUR KID.
THAT YOU THREW AWAY.
stone faced.
I’m ok. I’m ok. I’m ok.
.....
I’m not ok anymore.