Welcome To My Random Thoughts

I created this mainly to journal my PTSD and share my thoughts and feelings with others dealing with it as well. I'm an artist living in NYC looking for joy and happiness in my life again.

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You have no idea how much this pissed me off. I can’t understand how people think it’s “cool” and ok. I know shit about basketball and can care less about it, but there’s no reason for this. Maybe we can call the next group of great players RAPE or KKK, yeah then I’m sure people will make a bigger thing about it on the news and social media. I’m sure it’s fan made and not the NBA or actual team. But it’s still so frustrating seeing stuff like that when all you want to do is go online and talk to your friends. But what ever, blah. Fuck the people that put me in the situation that I did nothing wrong to begin with. 

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The lady in front of me.

Last night at around 9:30 I was walking home and on the way there was a lady walking in front of me. It was a dark and empty sidewalk. Then of course all these “what if” thoughts popped in my head. I started thinking of her and how she might have felt or thinking about having some random guy walking behind her. Even though I don’t know her I didn’t feel comfortable walking behind her. I crossed the street just to make her feel safe even though she might have felt perfectly fine. Ever since my situation, I always put myself in the other persons  head and how they might feel or think. I didn’t want her to feel scared or have any negative thoughts or triggers. So for me I felt better crossing the street for a stranger I don’t even know. I hope she got home safe. 

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9 years

For the past 9 years I’ve been dealing with ptsd. It’s insane how fast it goes. It still makes me angry and upset how one incident can change a person’s life. FUCK YOU AND GO HELL! the people that caused me to have ptsd. I know 100% I didn’t do anything wrong. I hope karma has or one day comes to them and they fully understand what they put me through. It’s still hard to talk to people about it because I feel like no one understands what ptsd is like unless they unfortunately are dealing with it’s well. Thankfully I can type this and not start crying but it’s still there and I just wish I had someone I could hold and just let it all out. I don’t even know what else to type but I just hope whoever is reading this is ok and getting betting because no one deserves to have to deal with ptsd. Best of luck to you all. 

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I'm sorry to break it to you, but painting your nails a certain color doesn't bring awareness to anyone. That's low-key already offensive to people who have ptsd.

I’m a guy and struggle with ptsd and the reason I paint my nails is so when people ask me I can tell them why. I know it normal for most guys to paint their nails but I didn’t look at it in a negative way at all. I looked at it the same way people wear a rubber bracelet all year for cancer support or any other type of support. Very few people know that I struggle with it and the few people I know with ptsd didn’t look at it in a negative way either. I would never want to offend anyone struggling with it at all because I totally understand how hard it is. 

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June is ptsd awareness month but I don’t think we need just a month to show support. Any day, week, or month we can. So I decided to show support and spread awareness by painting my nails.

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You have to be in control

For the past ten years the sound of tape has been a major trigger. Seeing it, hearing it, and touching it has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with ever since I’ve had ptsd. It’s one of the things I’ve been trying to beat and it’s coming along but very slow. I’m finally able to look at it and acutely hold it. I was even able to buy a pack of three. One thing I noticed today was if I hear the sound of it and don’t expect it that’s when it bothers me the most. Today (just in the moment) I took it and started pulling it over and over and even wrapped some on my hands. I was able to do it and not freak out. Even as I’m writing this I feel fine thankfully. At least for today I was able to do it because I was in control and I was able to stop at any moment if it became to much. Maybe it was just for today since I just took it and didn’t think about anything else or because I had a game on ready to play and it was kinda distracting me. What ever the case is I’m proud of myself that I was able to. I’ll have to try it again when it’s quiet with no distractions. I just hope I’m able to do the same and feel ok. So for anyone who’s reading this, YOU are the one that needs to take control, YOU are the one that needs to beat what you’re going through. YOU need to beat it and not let it take over. At least for today I was able to beat it. I hope you can too at some point. 

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cyber bullying

On May 23 2020 Japanese wrestler Hana kimura committed suicide. One of the reasons was because of cyber bullying. She wrote, in a series of several tweets, "Nearly 100 frank opinions every day. I couldn't deny that I was hurt. I'm dead. Thank you for giving me a mother. It was a life I wanted to be loved. Thank you to everyone who supported me. I love it. I'm weak, I'm sorry. I don't want to be a human anymore. It was a life I wanted to be loved. Thank you everyone, I love you. Bye." After hearing about this it REALLY bothered me. The way I see it is if you’re going to kill yourself it’s because you are going through so much in life you just can’t deal with it any more. cyber bullying is not acceptable! I feel like no one understands how I feel about her death or how much it did bothered me. For someone like me who struggles with ptsd I understand how tough things can get. I wish she was able to get through it all and not have to deal with peoples stupidity. Hana Kimura, may you Rest In Peace. 

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You’re not alone

But I feel alone 😔

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drinking or marijuana

Drinking the Pain away today. I really hate days like this. The worst part is I've gotten to the point where I don't even like the ones I've drank. I really wish I had  pot but its not as easy to get and I can't afford medical marijuana any way. So once again I'm drinking the pain away.

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very few know

Ever since it happened I pretty much locked myself up and kept quiet about it all. Very few friends and family know what happened. I remember seeing an interview about a guy who was addictive to pills. He said no one knew because he hid it well. That's how I feel with my ptsd. Around others I'm happy, do fun things, have just one drink, ect. If they only knew the things that go through my head and what triggers me. I don't trust any one because 1 they don't understand and 2 I'm afraid they will tell others. I hide it well.

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alcohol and ptsd

I totally understand why people with ptsd drink. I've gotten to the point that I don't like any beer at all but I still drink just to not think of it all. I would much rather use medial marijuana if I could. I'm in control, I don't blank out, I won't get sick or do stupid stuff ect. But no one understands unless they have ptsd. I'm tired of trying to explain it.

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TRIGGERED

People really need to STOP! throwing that word around. People have no idea what it really means. 

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It's amazing how powerful a picture can be. 

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"find what makes you happy”

I was watching a video on relapsing and ways to get out of that crappy feeling. The girl said “find what makes you happy” and I though about it and I don't know what makes me happy any more. Because of that piece of SHIT! I lost everything that made me happy. I lost the desire and want for all the things I enjoyed. Ahhhh so frustrating 😔

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I really wish I could feel normal again. I was so close but of course God forbid that could happen. I really feel useless and just not good enough. Time to drink the pain away. Damn you ptsd 😔

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The little things

It's amazing how seeing an old memory on FB can upset me so much. It just reminds me how happy I was and things were fun. Now I see it and the feeling of anger and sadness comes because you took all that joy away from me. As always YOUR A PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!!!!! for what you did. You're not winning today, FUCK YOU!!! I'm getting out of bed and going to have fun. (Or at least force myself to cause its so darn hard)

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FUCK YOU!

I still have so much anger because of what happened. The fact that I can't enjoy what use to make me happy just really angers and upsets me. I try to find things to mentally district me but I'm starting to see that that's all it is, just a distraction for a bit. Then once it's over it's back to ptsd. You're a piece of SHIT for what you did.