Mystic Sandwich

[mysticsandwich]

iron in my pulse

i add a layer of dirt

i add a layer of seed

i add a layer of dirt

i look at what has been done

i think of what has to be done

i think of what has been done

i dig away, dig it all again

back to nothing

i think of you

i can not 

[mysticsandwich]

dang havent posted here in 2 years! my dad died im rich i hate school i hate items but life goes on

[mysticsandwich]

what was it, around may of 2014, I sold my truck and all of my camera equipment, probably for way less than what it was worth. I bought a bunch of random hiking and backpacking/camping gear and a bus ticket from orlando all the way across the country to spokane washington. I had decided to volunteer on a vineyard/family farm thru wwoof, worldwild organic orginzation of farmers. you basically work like 4-8hrs a day and in exchange you get some form of housing and food. I’d be staying in a tent and get 3 meals a day. I really didnt know what to expect except I was ready for some kind of adventure and was miserable where I was. I had no idea what I was doing and about $3k in my bank account. I was an emotional mess, duh. I rode the bus for 94 hours, it was insane. I barley slept, the bus stopped about every 1-2 hrs for bathroom breaks and stretch/snack stops. I remember leaving atlanta around 12am, the random girl next to me kept falling asleep on my shoulder and waking me up. I didn’t get off of the bus until Chicago. I had an 8hr layover to the next bus. I bought a pack of menthol american spirits and walked around downtown chicago for like 6-7 hours. it was great, besides the exhaustion. it was the first time I had really walked around the heart of a real big city in my adult life. I got on the next bus and endured another 45hrs or so of bus riding to spokane washington. god I was beat. I got picked up by leah, the woman who kind of ran the whole wwoofing operation her husband and her ran. She picked me up from the greyhound station in spokane around noon, her firstborn son, henry was in the back of her truck asleep, I think he was two years old or so. She is very chatty and friendly. she hugged me upon meeting me and was very welcoming. after almost 4 straight days on buses with strangers it was very nice. she chatted as we drove out of spokane northwest to the small town of hunters,wa. after an hr and a half we arrived at a small gas station, the first store in about 30 miles. her dad owned the store/small mechanics garage all the locals got their trucks and equipment fixed at. I met her mom who ran the shop part of the store and dad who ran the store and mechanics garage. then we headed to the farm. we arrived and i met john, leahs husband. john and leah were 30 and 29 at the time, respectively. they had a house on an absolutely gorgeous 45 acre piece of land overlooking the Columbia river, a huge river that flows from canada all the way to Oregon. the property was amazing, small mountains or hills overlooking a sharp 200-300 foot drop to the wide river. they showed me my tent spot, right on a cliff below their house overlooking their house. it was amazing and gorgeous. i set up my tent and unpacked my backpack. i had to be back at the house around 7pm for dinner. i arrived and john was cooking while leah cleaned up. henry was just running around the garden that was their backyard. their entire house they built themselves. it looked like a house, kind of slumped and lopsided but normal enough. but they built it from bales of hay, wrapped in chicken wire, with spackle on the wire to look like normal walls. hardly any wood, mostly built of hay. it was very cheap to build, john did all of the wiring and plumbing hisself and hay has absolutely amazing insulating capabilities, so it was never too hot in the summer and never too cold in the winter. amazing. the first night there dinner was salad hand picked from their garden, we all just chatted and got to know eachother. I slept in my tent like a baby, the first nights sleep in like 4 days not on a bus in a seat constantly being woken up, with the sound of the nature and river below. the next day was the first day of work and learning the farm. most of the work I did there wsa trimming grape vines with john. leah would go to the gas station/country store her parents own and work, so in the morning i’d scramble up the hill to the house and john would make breakfast for me him and henry then we’d head out the vineyard. most of the work we did while I was there was trim vines. you have to snip off the weakest vines and keep the strongest ones to get the most grapes. so everyday me john and henry would go out to the vineyard, it was 10 acres big, not very big but big for two guys and a baby. me and john would each get a row of vines, we’d go down a trim and leapfrog each other, trimming all the extra vines off. henry would sleep in a stroller or waddles around john, sometimes coming to me to hangout. me and john would usually work at the same pace once I go the process down, and we’d talk the whole day till about lunch or 1pm. then go back to the house, he’d make lunch and then we’d get a break for about 2hrs. I’d usually go down to the river or take a nap in my hammock. then we’d meet around 3pm and work on another farm project, maybe fixinga a drain or a fence, etc. then leah would come home and we’d all make dinner. these people were so kind and just took me in and included me in their lives and family and farm, gave me good advice, etc. they told me of their adventures from their earyl 20′s. they both went to new zealand and traveled and worked for about 2 years. leah was a white water raft guide and john worked on bikes. they did that and hiked thru new Zealand. they went bak to america and saved money, then hitchhiked down the entirety of south america for a year. then decided to return to leahs parents hometown and start eh vineyard. amazing people, very warm and kind and hardworking. i was so lost at this point in my life and they gave m a good goal of how I wanted to be or at least were very positive role models. so went about 2 months, working with john mostly, hanging with leahs family, meeting their friends, working hard, learning about growing wine grapes, learning alfalfa farming, hitchiking to town, reading a lot. then late june hit, and john and leah got 3 more WWOOFers. 3 girls from rhode island, culinary students on a summer road trip, wwoofing to see where organic food comes from. two were very pretty and all 3 were very nice. they set up thier tent and I became their tour guide, showing them how all the work was done, how the farm and house worked. they liked to drink and party, were all older than me. we had a good time, though my work ethic kind of went ot shit, distracted by a bunch of girls haha. it was nice to be the only guy around them. they were there for about 3 weeks and then were heading to another farm in northern california. they invited me to go with them. I loved the farm in spokane..but 3 college girls when you’re 19...duh. so they left and I said my sad goodbyes to john and leah and hit the road with 3 college girls. we stopped all over down the west coast of the country. we all went skinny dipping in a pool in portland, one tried to sleep with me and I was too stupid to realize it. huge regret. story for another time. we finally reached pescadaro, CA. an absolutely beautiful little coastal town. the farm was owned by an absolute lunatic who thought he could talk to aliens and grew a a LOT of illegal weed. all we did for about a week was smoke weed and hangout with crazy vagrants the farm owner brought in, the absolute opposite of john and leahs farm. I liked the 3 girls but I missed john and leah a lot then. I was supposed to go visit my bestfrind, Gabe, in texas at some point that summer and after a week at this sketchy “farm” I decided to leave. the girls, katie, becca and kristen were awesome and i was pretty much in love with katie, but it was time to go. so they drove me to san fransisco and I got on a greyhound bus around midnight around the end of july and headed for texas. before I left the farm in pescadaro the head “farmhand” there gave me about 2 ounced of weed as a parting gift. being 19 and dumb I took it. I put the damn thing in my backpack and got on the greyhound. I slept from san fran to LA and from La to around new mexico. more bus riding, yay. I got to el paso, tx.

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{2oz weed story]

[mysticsandwich]

“Love in it’s most basic form is pure appreciation of the type of relationship that person brings into your life.”

[mysticsandwich]

dfw said it best. our first world culture says “your experience is the most important!!!!” “if whatever you're doing isn't’ the best thing for you, you need to stop, you come first, treat yourself. if it’s not making you happy you need to reevaluate!” holy shit, isn’t it crazy, even therapists and doctors say this now to people!!! it’s so engrained into our culture that if whatever you’re doing isn’t good for YOU first it’s almost inherently bad! social media says it, the news says it, your family says it, government says it. almost EVERYONE in america says, if someone or something is BAD for you, get rid of it, THROW IT AWAY you’re the most important!!! ???? what about: fix it, work on it, help someone else, SOMEONE ELSE who is objectively worse off than you than should be put before you, be uncomfortable for them, help them and suffer, work with others towards a goal that doesn't benefit you at ALL, just do it because it’s good for others. this does still happen, but it’s crazy how much society has shifted to “ENJOY YOURSELF DONT WORK HARD PUT YOUSELF FIRST” does anyone else see this as maybe a bad thing? sure it can be good for mental health and if you’re happy it’s easier to help others and sure theres the idea that you’re the only one experiencing your life so you should enjoy it to the fullest but where does it tip into hedonism??? is there a point where you’re just filling a void trying to make yourself happy? it’s so easy to fall into a void of entertainment with easy access to it for so cheap 24/7, I feel like the idea of working hard for something is slowly slipping out of our grasp as a species AND what working hard for the RIGht thing even means....wtf.

[mysticsandwich]

please tell me

grey smoke is eating up my insides

at first it’s what I really wanted, but now I’m not so sure

how many times have you wanted and wanted

begged and pleaded 

and yearned 

then looked in the mirror and seen disappointment in your face

god you were so stupid weren’t you? 

the small bright bulbs line the top of the mirror and you peer closer and closer and notice those thin tendrils of that precious grey smoke leaking our of your eyelids

that slow smolder is getting thicker and thicker

it’s pouring out of your nostrils now, eddying out of your teeth

you’re smiling but you’re crying

the tears don’t do anything

after all there’s no fire in you

just smoke

thick but light in color, dumping out of your ears, but it sinks to the floor instead of rising

the whole bathroom is filling with it

you’re still just staring in the mirror, your face is barely visible anymore

even though you’re inching closer and closer to the mirror

trying to see yourself

you cant!

god it’s consuming everything, and this is what you wanted all along isn’t it?

[mysticsandwich]

I remember being 19 on vacation with my family, seeing a park ranger, saying “I wanna ask her how she got her job, how can I do that,make that my career”. Somehow, without an actual direct plan of attack or path, I’ve done that, exactly what I wanted then,and decided I didn’t like it very much. it was cool, and felt nice to do and to be.after three months I was ready to move on to bigger and better things. now, I have. here I am, doing something more cool and subjectively “better”.  they say men always want more. is that what this is? I wonder if I’ll ever be satisfied with anything...

[mysticsandwich]

Every time I open my eyes

whether from sleep or returning from a daydream

there is a shadow right in front of me, silhouetted with the sun almost directly behind

only the shape apparent to me 

no details of what’s contained within.

I can step closer and closer but it doesn’t get any bigger, it’s never in my grasp.

Is my surreptitiousness that apparent? 

Am I this selfish? 

I swear

I don’t think I am.

[mysticsandwich]

Many people seem apprehensive or flat out rejective when it comes to learning new things and having new experiences if it means they may be humbled by the experience of being a "beginner". Especially when you're young and the naivety of youth is more than expected of you, you should be putting yourself out there in the world and doing whatever it is you feel you should be doing. Don't be controlled fear, humility and maybe some lethargy.

[mysticsandwich]

everyone and everything all around me

looking to the far away for answers

as if the clouds would come down to say

whether or not

all of us and what we hold

but who’s to say it and keep it hidden?

and does it really matter anyway

[mysticsandwich]

working on a book I think

[mysticsandwich]

I was sitting on a bench on the side of the road waiting for a bus and someone came up behind me and tapped my shoulder. It was an older lady holding a baby. The kid was maybe one or two. She was shaking and tears streamed down her face. It was late at night so we were the only people there. She asked me if I could watch her grandson, hold him, for just a couple of minutes. Usually when it comes to people on or near city bus stops you mind your own business but she looked pretty bent out of shape so I instinctively said sure, no problem. She crossed the street as an old town car pulled up, she got in and it rolled away. Now I’m stuck with a kid.

[mysticsandwich]

I already hate florida get me outtt of here..

[mysticsandwich]

a sapling sprang up and next to it another

together they grew, intertwining

until the two mighty trees were coiled together

standing tall as one

their shade spreading far

and their presence a home to the forest

until a storm came and a strike of lightning

shattered the one tree, fire consuming it 

and smoldering the other

never again did its shade provide 

but never did it die

[mysticsandwich]

after this semester I have 9 credits left and I’ll have my associates degree. it’s pretty useless job wise, especially being in english, but I feel I learned a lot so far in school and my writing and critical thinking and ability to analyze language and critical appreciation skills have increased greatly and school has made me overall more well rounded and mature. not to mention, I can always transfer to a school here in florida and get a bachelors in something lucrative/interesting whenever I want, possibly next fall if I get a move on applying to places soon. I’m hoping to graduate with at least a 3.5 gpa (3.4 right now..), that with a 29 on the act, even after dropping out of highschool, should get me into somewhere good. I am highly considering joining the military next summer though, as joining with an aa makes you an officer and I suspect the discipline, support network, gi bill, healthcare, etc. will be beneficial and could possibly lead to a career where I can retire in my early 40′s with a lifelong pension and healthcare and start a new career then. I don’t know... life is full of hard decisions, the only bad one is probably indolence. just keep moving, right?

[mysticsandwich]

I don't know what to do       two states of mind in me

Sappho

[mysticsandwich]

but really i moved almost 2500 miles from home with hardly any money and knew no one in wyoming and now a year later ive got a great circle of friends, my own house, 2 jobs, tons of experiences in an entirely new culture, going to be done with school soon with a great gpa and good connections and have grown as a person i think tremendously more than if I would’ve stayed in florida and went to school there (i might've even failed there, a new setting gave me more inspiration to try maybe?). im also much more disciplined and less shy/introverted, which i think wouldnt of happened to as much of a degree if I stayed at home as well. idk. working on another book/writing project thing also, maybe done by end of summer/before end of year?