maxine @mythicalguard - Tumblr Blog

lowkey

think i might believe in reincarnation and karma. dont know about buddhism as a whole because i have Not Looked Into It but i could get behind reincarnation as a former catholic current mostly atheist/sometimes agnostic.

yes this is a diary esque rant

like i guess i couldnt really understand the concept of heaven when i was a catholic. what do you do up there? do whatever you want? stare at god all day? watch people from above while they jerk off or whatever? all that once? when i was younger (around 7) my mom said you could play all the video games you wanted and see whoever you wanted in heaven. later in high school, my teacher told me that heaven is more "surrounding god and eternally witnessing him" or something of the sort; stand around and stare at god for all eternity sort of thing. that fucking terrified me. ALL eternity. FOREVER with no end? it must be the selfish human will thing in me but i refuse to believe that a possible god would design us with such desires for freedoms before creating a promise land of just staring at him doing nothing else. i think even the possibility of this, even if i misunderstood, was like the last straw for religion. eternity finally became a concept i realized, its truly Forever.

but like ive always had this slight belief that karma was real, even in a passive sense or perhaps even in a catholic sense. like if i did good, god was reward me or whatever. if i did bad, i would get some sort of punishment. a sacrifice could be a reward, a path of pain could be a gift. that sort of thing. but like i guess i just feel like my life has a sense of karma. i feel like equally, life sorta balances itself out. it is a privilege for me to say that compared to those who have suffered, but i don't know. it is the path that has presented itself in making sense.

reincarnation? feels likely in a weird sense. seems like the only afterlife concept i could believe in a sense. heaven just doesnt make sense to me because i refuse to believe a just god would create a plane much better than ours and force people that he designed to go through challenges to get there. for what goal? we are his creation and he is all powerful, why do we gotta suffer through the limits of life in order to live in peace for all eternity? why must we spend our time here to worship? if hell exists, why? why allow this. to this end, reincarnation feels like a balanced, efficient use of a soul or being. a way to continue life without a life in a realm too far beyond ours. of course, breaking free of the cycle is part of the idea of reincarnation in like buddhism if i understand correctly, so maybe the idea of a higher plane beyond ours is just simply an inescapable part of existence. that we must be rewarded in some way. i don't know. i will never know.

isn't that beautiful?

levymartinez

daily comic 152/365

levymartinez

daily comic 146/365

oh yeah btw i use this blog as a diary basically. plenty of friends tend to like reading about this, including those named Tiffany so they get to read how i function. sorry about feed spam and such.

rant about fears

was brushing my teeth recently and wrote in my notes app "the fear of fear like it’ll strike strong, unbearable, abrupt, inconceivably large and deafingly loud." i have since pondered this a little because i have realized this is a constant fear i have, consistently in the back on my head primarily once its night. not to say its my only fear. i still have fears im gonna see jeff the killer or some shit when i look behind me like im 9 years old. but i strangely have this bizare feeling this feeling that something will jumpscare me HARD. like my monitor is gonna blast a scary face on fullscreen with a deathly loud scream. golden freddy fnaf 1 style, if you will.

its not exactly a jumpscare per say either! i can handle jumpscares. id say more subtle, slower, and even less visual horror and scary faces can scare me more. it is specifically something i fear could just happen to me in real life at night. like at my computer or something. even happening near me.

when i was younger and super into fnaf, i had this very bizare dream. it was perhaps one of two, but i cannot remember the second and i could be mixing it up with my friends story. it was a clip from a real game theory fnaf video that i dont feel like finding but it has matpat originally going "he's here he's there he's everywhere, who you gonna call, fazzy fun fredbear!" in my nightmare, it was almost exactly the same (the animation/visauls were even in it), but when he got to the "fazzy fun fredbear part," it was a DEATHLY loud distorted noise, undescrible but similar to a loud distorted garble. this woke up me up hard, almost as if it really had happened. still remember it to this day. pretty sure its exploding head syndrome but its my only example. reminds me of when i watched a troll cod zombies video of a secret der riese easter egg when i was kid on my ipad. it ended with a LOUD exorcist girl jumpscare that i stonefaced with a VERY elevated heart rate.

one other unrelated dream i had was me exploring a gas station with some very distorted ps1 graphics. a sense of gore on the textures was present. i remembered the song playing very vividly but i have since forgot. very odd feeling nightmare i couldnt even recapture. honestly i think this is related to my fear of death, which also spawns a fear of getting hurt. obviously we all fear death, but i have had this very strong fear ever since childhood. ive eased up to it since, but it haunts

anyway, long rant over. if you are my friend and read this then later manipulate me into a false sense of security before then exploiting me with a loud jumpscare of some kind, i will be very pissed at you and probably not talk to you for awhile.

mythicalguard

sit and spin

when you watch the ceiling fan above while lying on your back long enough you begin to see it dance even blurrier the blades becoming opaque and still a circular disc with spotlights sitting above your prison it is at this moment that you realize you’ll become this way too. and a little more later you’ll realize it’s already too late. (5/18/2026)

mythicalguard

after i wrote this im pretty sure i got inspired to pierce my nipples, which i did the next day. those hurt like a MOTHEFUCKER dude. better than depression though.

sit and spin

when you watch the ceiling fan above while lying on your back long enough you begin to see it dance even blurrier the blades becoming opaque and still a circular disc with spotlights sitting above your prison it is at this moment that you realize you’ll become this way too. and a little more later you’ll realize it’s already too late. (5/18/2026)

#original poem #poetry #poem

listening

my ear is missing it must be beating something and it might miss me for i bring much warmth to its cold heart i cannot even hear its heart beat for me in lust for it brought me the gift does it hear my cries? will it follow me home? do you know who i am? speak for i cannot listen and i am going insane

(5/1/2026)

#original poem #poetry #poem

central station

when the train arrives, who will meet you there? will she care enough to join you? what says you, blood bag ? approach the greyhound.

march foward and bleed.

(4/30/2026)

#original poem #poetry #poem

666chevy

First time drawing S.T.A.R.S. Jill I think??? 🫣✨️

gorattno

not close enough

mythicalguard

cigarettes

smokes have been in my life since day zero. my dad used to smoke a lot, even in the home. black and milds if i recall. he would later move onto e-cigs and then vaping. my uncle worked at a vape shop and i would be babysat in the back when i was a pre-teen. they all smoked a lot. both my aunt/uncle and dad would vape so much and smoke such fruity flavors that they would cling to my clothes after leaving. it seeped into the couch, everywhere.

my grandmother also smoked. she was a (moderate) republican gay woman that had to leave my mom and her family after coming out. i do miss her. she got lung cancer from smoking a lot (there was a cig place near her) and she later went on remission. after that, she still smoked like normal and then got throat cancer. kinda awesome in a fucked up way. she got chemo and lost her toe, then her health deteriorated and she died. it was not my first death and i was not the closest to her, but her death hits harder and harder as time pasts.

her death is kinda why i justified trying a cig. she got cancer from smokes, went on remission, then kept smoking and died from them again. second chance used up on smokes. they MUST be that good. i tried my first cig at my friend's party. i think it was my first time i had a full alcoholic drink too. and my first party in college. plenty of firsts. i was not the biggest fan.

i have only had about 3-4 total cigs in my life, all in the last 2 years. that seems pretty good. one of them was two days ago, same house. i only bum them off someone.

i find myself weirdly attracted to cigs. they look cool! very silly reason though. they are appealing for all the reasons they appeal to other people. stress relief, physical action of blowing smoke, coolness factor, flavor. all that shit. i have, unfortunately, found myself more tempted to buy a pack. i have thought of it since turning 21, not actively, just thinking about how i could do it. trying another one did not help. im stressed from college and i could do it. i am hoping that typing this out will help me not do it. my grandmother died from them and it would fuck with my estrogen intake. it would also make me smell like cigs and my teeth rot and my nails and teeth would yellow. i could die and ruin my hrt! that is really bad.

i think i just find my desire to try them interesting despite every possible downside. perhaps i just think i would be able to control my usage despite knowing full well i wouldnt probably be able to. i also just find my family history with it interesting. nicotine and tobacco are one hell of a drug! hope i can stick to caffeine/energy drink addictions only and end it there. just don't tell my mother! i promised her never to smoke cigs when i was 12 or so.

mythicalguard

oh yeah lighters are awesome. idk maybe thats just because i like fire for some reason. like i used to light paper and shit on fire and light random matches since i was younger.

mythicalguard

UPDATE: i bought a pack of marlbros a few weeks ago. it was after an all nighter i did to save a grade in class from 20% to like 90%. so many assignments had to be done and i decided that poisoning myself was the best way to reward it. the cashier at the corner store was maybe younger than me. seemed a little dissapointed i was buying them. maybe she didnt. truth be told, the cig DID hit. it was satisfying to smoke a cig at like 8 or 9am while the sun was still rising outside my apartment door. did a lil toast to my dead gay grandma who died from cigs. a bit hard to smoke cause its strong and i had allergies and im inhaling tobacco in my lungs and also trying not to show my neighbors that i smoke (i dont smoke) so i was nervous. i also smoked a cig my close friend traded with me weeks later. it was a pall mall. long fucker, didnt even fit in my marlbro pack. was good and was nice on a chill night. i am now scared of progressing further. i plan on putting them in a plastic bag and throwin em in a bin of mine so they are always available but never easy in reach. better than perhaps later needing to buy another pack to keep chained to me. i do not wanna kill my estrogen intake or kill myself with them.

funniest thing was telling my nurse at planned parenthood for my hrt that i did have a cig, but only at a party (she has to ask for estrogen intake variables (she is also a smoker, i can smell it)), to which she responded "oh those don't count!"

hello i was sick and depressed from being sick and also depressed from being depressed. my nipples are now pierced so life is pretty much awesome and can only go up from here. i should be able to post again!

magic-anomalies

i feel like chloe price every day of my damn life and not in the cool way

mythicalguard

cigarettes

smokes have been in my life since day zero. my dad used to smoke a lot, even in the home. black and milds if i recall. he would later move onto e-cigs and then vaping. my uncle worked at a vape shop and i would be babysat in the back when i was a pre-teen. they all smoked a lot. both my aunt/uncle and dad would vape so much and smoke such fruity flavors that they would cling to my clothes after leaving. it seeped into the couch, everywhere.

my grandmother also smoked. she was a (moderate) republican gay woman that had to leave my mom and her family after coming out. i do miss her. she got lung cancer from smoking a lot (there was a cig place near her) and she later went on remission. after that, she still smoked like normal and then got throat cancer. kinda awesome in a fucked up way. she got chemo and lost her toe, then her health deteriorated and she died. it was not my first death and i was not the closest to her, but her death hits harder and harder as time pasts.

her death is kinda why i justified trying a cig. she got cancer from smokes, went on remission, then kept smoking and died from them again. second chance used up on smokes. they MUST be that good. i tried my first cig at my friend's party. i think it was my first time i had a full alcoholic drink too. and my first party in college. plenty of firsts. i was not the biggest fan.

i have only had about 3-4 total cigs in my life, all in the last 2 years. that seems pretty good. one of them was two days ago, same house. i only bum them off someone.

i find myself weirdly attracted to cigs. they look cool! very silly reason though. they are appealing for all the reasons they appeal to other people. stress relief, physical action of blowing smoke, coolness factor, flavor. all that shit. i have, unfortunately, found myself more tempted to buy a pack. i have thought of it since turning 21, not actively, just thinking about how i could do it. trying another one did not help. im stressed from college and i could do it. i am hoping that typing this out will help me not do it. my grandmother died from them and it would fuck with my estrogen intake. it would also make me smell like cigs and my teeth rot and my nails and teeth would yellow. i could die and ruin my hrt! that is really bad.

i think i just find my desire to try them interesting despite every possible downside. perhaps i just think i would be able to control my usage despite knowing full well i wouldnt probably be able to. i also just find my family history with it interesting. nicotine and tobacco are one hell of a drug! hope i can stick to caffeine/energy drink addictions only and end it there. just don't tell my mother! i promised her never to smoke cigs when i was 12 or so.

mythicalguard

oh yeah lighters are awesome. idk maybe thats just because i like fire for some reason. like i used to light paper and shit on fire and light random matches since i was younger.

cigarettes

smokes have been in my life since day zero. my dad used to smoke a lot, even in the home. black and milds if i recall. he would later move onto e-cigs and then vaping. my uncle worked at a vape shop and i would be babysat in the back when i was a pre-teen. they all smoked a lot. both my aunt/uncle and dad would vape so much and smoke such fruity flavors that they would cling to my clothes after leaving. it seeped into the couch, everywhere.

my grandmother also smoked. she was a (moderate) republican gay woman that had to leave my mom and her family after coming out. i do miss her. she got lung cancer from smoking a lot (there was a cig place near her) and she later went on remission. after that, she still smoked like normal and then got throat cancer. kinda awesome in a fucked up way. she got chemo and lost her toe, then her health deteriorated and she died. it was not my first death and i was not the closest to her, but her death hits harder and harder as time pasts.

her death is kinda why i justified trying a cig. she got cancer from smokes, went on remission, then kept smoking and died from them again. second chance used up on smokes. they MUST be that good. i tried my first cig at my friend's party. i think it was my first time i had a full alcoholic drink too. and my first party in college. plenty of firsts. i was not the biggest fan.

i have only had about 3-4 total cigs in my life, all in the last 2 years. that seems pretty good. one of them was two days ago, same house. i only bum them off someone.

i find myself weirdly attracted to cigs. they look cool! very silly reason though. they are appealing for all the reasons they appeal to other people. stress relief, physical action of blowing smoke, coolness factor, flavor. all that shit. i have, unfortunately, found myself more tempted to buy a pack. i have thought of it since turning 21, not actively, just thinking about how i could do it. trying another one did not help. im stressed from college and i could do it. i am hoping that typing this out will help me not do it. my grandmother died from them and it would fuck with my estrogen intake. it would also make me smell like cigs and my teeth rot and my nails and teeth would yellow. i could die and ruin my hrt! that is really bad.

i think i just find my desire to try them interesting despite every possible downside. perhaps i just think i would be able to control my usage despite knowing full well i wouldnt probably be able to. i also just find my family history with it interesting. nicotine and tobacco are one hell of a drug! hope i can stick to caffeine/energy drink addictions only and end it there. just don't tell my mother! i promised her never to smoke cigs when i was 12 or so.

iluvrabbitz

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