One Year

Just a girl who hit rock bottom and is trying to get the magic back. All I have to do is stay focused for 365 days and all will be well. What? Like it's hard?

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Day 76, July 4 2018

Wow it’s been a long time since I posted. It hasn’t been wasted however. I’m struggling but moving forward. Since the last time I posted: I’ve moved out, came back to Arizona, enrolled in community college summer courses (took 7 credits and am still taking 4 more.) This is good, 11 credits are almost one full time semester. I couldn’t find a job or volunteer, but I kept in touch with the retention coordinator occasionally.

My German isn’t that great, neither is my reading log. I’m doing ok. There are some BIG items on my to do list that are rather urgent but I’m shying away from: turning off utilities for my apartment, finding a place to stay (no pressure) and paying for college.

I refuse to take another Sallie Mae loan because their interest rates are insane. However my credit just got a hit from both my bills dragging behind AND my medical bills catching up to me. What’s worse is that I applied for a Discover and a Wells Fargo loan and both rejected me, but not before doing a credit score check that lowered it even further...

It’s not easy, but I still believe one day I’ll look back to this moment and wonder how I worked through the mess.

7/4/18

-M

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Day 3. April 19, 2018

Today has been an upset. It brought to my attention how I’m incapable of telling my friends that I’m busy. A friend called and we ended up talking on the phone for hours, after which I lost motivation to do anything. I received some good news, applied to a few things, cleaned up around the house, and did my German lesson. 

It’s only day 3 and my momentum faded a little. That’s ok though, as long as I’ve done something, it’s not a complete waste. Not everyday will be a total success, but hopefully I can end the week on a strong note tomorrow. I’ll go to bed early so I can start before 3:00 PM which has been an unfortunate pattern in the last few days.

Remember kids: you gotta fight through your lack of motivation. You don’t always have to be enthusiastic about doing something, you just have to force yourself to do it. Enthusiasm will come when you scratch it off your to do list, and see the positive impact it left on your life, on your mentality, and on the way you view your own character. 

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Day 2. April 18, 2018

I’m doing well. I’m scared that I might fall off this two days streak of productivity, but this mentality isn’t what I need right now. Today has been more productive that the last two months combined. It made me proud, but also regretful of how much time I wasted being afraid of everything. 

I registered for the community college, I applied for financial aid, I talked to the school about the courses, I talking to a professor about the syllabus, I filled one of the course equivalency forms, and I even talked to my school’s retention coordinator about the prospect of living on campus next year. You see, I have an apartment for two years now, but my lease expires in a month. My roommate is graduating and I don’t have any replacement, and the new lease is ridiculous, the new management company isn’t big on maintenance, but refuses to give back deposits, and wants me to pay more for rent and insure their property. Best case scenario: I put my stuff in a storage unit over the summer, and manage to live on campus next semester (yes I’m assuming that I would get accepted back. 

Remember the web of lies? I told my mom that I already found a house and two roommates to move in with next year, I have to come up with a lie to cover this up (to be fair that was the case but the plan fell apart when one roommate backed out and the other managed to graduate early.) I’ll tell her that the house owners (it’s a family not a company) needed the house and they won’t rent it, and hope I can get everything in a dorm or on campus apartment. 

It’s really stressful, but days like today make me feel capable of taking slow but important steps. I also filed a complaint case against the gas company, they’ve been sending us bills for a bunch of different apartments, and charging us astronomical amounts for the one gas appliance that we have. I hope all goes well. I’m fragile, and set backs will be very difficult to recover from. Not yet, I need to be stronger, I need to do more, I need to earn some self love.

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Day 1.  April 17, 2018

Today I had a realization, I’ve been thinking about this wrong. I’ve been looking at everyday as a dreaded list of difficult tasks that should earn me infinite rewards upon completion. These days aren’t a countdown to magical success, this isn’t a class with a preset curriculum . I have to hustle, I have to make my own curriculum, each day is what I make it. These lists aren’t coming to me, I need to take initiative. Every day is an opportunity, not a scary facing of grown up life. This might be the most difficult thing to learn, but it’s the most important.

For my first day, I did a few things. I called the Utility commissioner because our gas bill is outrageous. Our water heater is the only gas appliance and yet gas is our biggest bill. They didn’t answer but I left my phone number to be “called back in the order in which I was received.” fine. I did what I can.

Next, I got my mom into taking out a PLUS loan for me freshman year, so I sent out an email to them to see if there’s a way to postpone payments. This isn’t the right time to add another monthly bill to her expenses, not when I’m returning to school for another year.

After that I went to school (I can still print things for free) I printed a few documents. The readmission application form, the course equivalency request form (so the school can determine if it accepts the credits for classes from the community college I’ll be attending this summer.)

I’ve also got some info on that. I found a community college near my home, I found the classes I need to take, calculated tuition total to be $1500. This is the only problem: apparently, the due date is next Wednesday. I have one week to get that paid. Tomorrow I need to enroll and apply for financial aid. 

Misc. : I’ve been reading a book (A Brief History of Time), I didn’t smoke today!! (just to clarify, I smoke Hookah, never cigarettes or cigars or anything else), today will be the second day in a row that I wear my retainer (I’m very bad at this, and it’ll be a shame to waste $5000 and two years of metal mouth because I’m too lazy to spend 20 seconds a day putting it on over night)

Today hasn’t been easy: I’m proud of myself for doing what I did because I woke up with cramps and was in pain for hours, and had a whole day of chest pains and breathing difficulty (to clarify, I’ve been exposed to Sulfur Dioxide as a child so these problems aren’t from smoking though I’m pretty sure smoking isn’t making it any better.)

Tomorrow, I will research to see if running can help improve breathing. As I said, I need to get in shape anyway, and running was always the hardest thing for me. I need to become good at it, it’s not punishing myself, it’s loving myself enough to let me grow.

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Introduction

Once upon a time I was on top of everything. It felt so good, to be the best at everything. When people are impressed, when they are proud, when your efforts blossom and you see them pushing you further in life. It was great. It made me happy. It gave me hope.

I don’t know what happen, but I haven’t felt proud in four years now. As a college student, I was finally suspended for poor academics this semester and no one knows, not even my parents. I haven’t gotten good grades since high school, I haven’t gotten a job since high school, I haven’t worked out since high school, I haven’t volunteered, done extra curriculars, worked on bettering myself...I haven’t done anything but convince myself that I am busy. The truth is, I’ve become a coward. Sending an email terrifies me, in fear of being scolded. I hate talking to professors after failing an exam because I’m not used to being told that I need to change. That I’m lagging behind. I’m not used to not be the first pick for special opportunities, I’m not used to being the weakest link. Calling about a bill or a loan terrifies me because I’m so in debt, talking to friends stresses me out because they might find out that I’m struggling. I don’t have anxiety, I just feel like I’m living as someone else, and I don’t know how to carry myself as this new girl. I don’t know how to act like her, and I don’t like being her. On the outside, I have the same confident demeanor I’ve always had, on the inside, I am so small. 

This will sound outrageous: no one, absolutely no one except the few faculty members that work in my university’s student center know about my current situation. My parents, my friends, my classmates, even my roommate, they are all in the dark. I have built a very solid web of lies and covered my failures. As of now, that is my only talent. Here’s the breakdown for now:

.If I’m VERY lucky, I will need another year to graduate.

.I’m broke and unemployed, my parents aren’t exactly rich and I’m so, insanely in debt (out of state and no financial aid because of low grades.)

.My health is bad, I’ve picked up smoking, I’m eating crappy food, and I haven’t seen the gym in months, I haven’t seen a dentist in years, I haven’t had a checkup in years. I’ve just neglected myself. 

.I’m depressed: see above self-pity rant for reasons.

.I’m so, very ashamed of the way I made one bad decision after the other leading me here.

.I have lost any confidence I used to have regarding my abilities. I grew up knowing that I was destined for STEM, but now I’m always last. I know I’m not stupid, I know it’s because I put absolutely no effort in my classes...but it’s hard to feel confident when you get academic suspension letters.

I have one thing going for me: I was never capable of being sad. Whenever something bad happens, my first reaction is always to come up with a plan. I am guilty of being an optimist. This is why I made this blog. I will force myself to be productive, to remain focused, and to work hard on reversing everything I’ve done in the past four years. For the next 365 days, I will blog everyday, and I will list the things I did. How I felt doing them, and how they will help me. I’m doing this for me. This is my journey. This is my year. 

April 16,

-M