hm ok

i like to complain about shit nobody cares about

[nahanahan]

i had a dream last night that made me sad because it was too real

i got to know a guy only to have sex with him and realize thats all he ever wanted from me from the beginning

and it made me sad because that is all guys want?? perhaps they want more but i dont let them in enough because im too afraid of being hurt idk everytihing is just too hard

i am lonely but i am too scared

i can’t seen to be close to anyone in that way i can think about it and think i want it but once its a real option i am too scared

is it because its been so long idk how to do it? or is it because im genuinely scared of intimacy

either way it sucks because im lonely but i cant afford to not be lonely

i want to be honest and say i want to kill myself but i dont want to do it in a way that will hurt anyone so im just trying to figure out a way to kill myself without people realizing that i did it on purpose because i think that would be the least hurtful way to die

i am done

[nahanahan]

i want to cry because i am sad but i dont want to because then my eyes will get puffy and i can’t put on makeup tomrororwo morning

[nahanahan]

i think i am doing that thing where i am so afraid of something going wrong that i basically stop it before anything happens so that theres no chance of it going wrong but theres also no chance of it going right and idk i just want it to work out but im overthinking this way too much and  i know im going to end up disappointed because i tend to ruin things and idk im just scared and tbh i was so happy i wanted to cry because its like i dont think i should be happy therefore i cry and just god im so scared and honestly nothing has even happened its nothing and already i’ve ruined it in my mind

it is literally nothing i dont even know if i want it but i want to see where it goes but of course i can’t let it happen

[nahanahan]

kind of just want to die so i dont have to deal with anything

[nahanahan]

:( :( :( :( :(

[nahanahan]

i want to be a part of something that makes me want to cry when it’s over again

[nahanahan]

im definitely pissed and i hate to admit it, a little hurt, that you unfriended me on fb because like wtf idk like why i mean maybe u feel weird that we fucked and maybe i pushed u a little too much (you still agreed and seemed fine with it) but i dont think u gotta make it weird or a big deal and i feel like the unfriending made it a big deal and i just dont get why because we were friends first semester and talked and hung out during break and shit and im pretty sure the only reason you even talked to me was to hook up with me and it happened so idk why u did this because this bothers me so much because i know we stopped talking after it and i just thought it was because im in ny and harder to keep up friendships or whatever just i want to know why and what happened because this is so ANNOYING

im a little pissed/hurt because i messaged u a while ago and u never replied or bothered to click my message because idk our friendship has had some ups and downs but i thought we were still friends and then i texted and u replied but didnt bother to keep replying and just idk its not like i said anything overly friendly i was just talking about a fun time that i remembered and i guess its okay and whatever but honestly really not because of previous events that transpired

sometimes im just really annoyed with you and our friendship because idk you’re so mean and its a joke and i know but idk how long is it gonna go on for like if i want to study with you i have to be like ha ha when or where are u studying so i know to avoid you as if we both have to pretend we’re not actually friends and it annoys me because we were pretty close and nice first week we became friends but now its just idk and maybe its because we got so close so quickly but its just so annoying to deal with a friendship where i dont even know if we’re friends

i am feeling so insecure in all my friendships and it just upsets me so mcuh because i know that 80% of what im feeling is because of my own overthinking but idk i just dont know who to talk to about some things because i am afraid of them being annoyed, tired of me basically talking about the same thing, not replying to me, thinking that im just saying things and not acutally meaning them, and a lot of things that make me feel sad and unhappy

i kind of dont want to be alive not because of the above but a lot of other things and i am tired and i dont want to feel this way anymore

[nahanahan]

idk probably the stress but i really need to work through it and not avoid things like i usually do because i know that when i do it i feel better after but its starting the things i want to avoid thats the hardest but i can do it i can do it i can fucking do it

maybe

[nahanahan]

tbh probably my fault for everything because i am the one who was too naive to realize the world wasn’t what i thought it was

[nahanahan]

i also know i shouldn’t count on other people to validate me as a person or perhaps that is how it should work

im not sure but it feels like it would be better if i could find happiness on my own that way if i ever am in a situation where i feel like i have no one (i.e. now) i would be able to chase away this sadness

i just want a best friend like when before high school me and mahima because that was the best time now i just feel second place all the time

i just want to never do anything i can’t i can’t i am not good enough

[nahanahan]

its been a while since i made posts on tumblr but sometimes its just easier to type than to write it all in my journal

as i write, i begin to lose whatever motivated me to write and it almost seems useless because its supposed to help me to it off my chest

which sounds confusing, but what i mean is i lose it before i have the chance to get it full off my chest, so i lose it but it doesn’t feel complete

but i can type fast enough that it allows me to get through it without losing whatever i was feeling

i am feeling sad but not and i dont understand what i am feeling anymore

this school year i have learned a lot about myself and the world around me

boys are assholes - they cheat, and lie, and don’t realize that when they say they’ll call they’re just setting themselves up to be assholes because i doubt girls really expect them to call, especially if its a one night stand point is boys can only hurt you unless you become friends with them, in which it becomes less likely that they will hurt you

friends can be difficult to make - its weird because i always thought i’d have no trouble with this one but i guess some things change im not as open as i used to be and i also seem to be more picky about who i want to be friends with it also seems that not many people seem to get my weird humor/antics so it also makes it harder to get close to people

i have issues that should be dealt with - i realize this and i know i should definitely call a therapist to talk through whatever i am going through but i am scared and also lazy and i dont know what to do about my anxiety and sadness because i definitely cannot bring myself to talk to friends about it

i feel like college should’ve have been better and it is in some ways, but in most ways it seems only to perpetuate the idea that the world is a horrible place and im not sure how to deal with that

i am in a library feeling sad and it started because i am sad i didnt bother transferring all my dramoine fanfic links to this new computer

it was really such a great collection i had labels and folders for different things and everything and i wish i had that back again i wish i was that girl who read fan fiction and didnt seem to care too much what other people thought but instead i am me now, anxious scared and sad

[nahanahan]

i miss when i used to read fan fiction all the time and my biggest sadness was when something sad happened in a story i was reading instead of just everyday life getting me down

i know i was so excited to grow up when i was younger but i also knew that when i was older i would want to be younger and i just want to not be who i am

[nahanahan]

i want people to stop telling me things they dont mean because it just gets my hopes up and it makes me think that everyone is going to end up disappointing me so dont say you care about me or that you want to be there for me if u can’t follow up with your promises because i am sad enough already

[nahanahan]

idk

[nahanahan]

why are you sad?

you know, just life

[writingsforwinter]

Someone is Missing You at the Party

There’s some party at a friend of a friend of a friend’s house and you almost went but at the last minute you decided not to, because who would even bother to come talk to you by the beer coolers or take you upstairs by the hand and kiss you soft on the bed while outside a line of drunk girls waiting for the bathroom was growing ever longer, who would even bother to ask you if you needed your red solo cup refilled, who would even bother to invite you to go skinny dipping with all the boys in the backyard pool, or ask if you could sing karaoke, or if the wine was too sour, do I look fat in this dress? You could stay in your bedroom for hours, days even, and no one would ever come looking for you. You’ll never get that Hey are you still awake text at 4 in the morning when someone is so high they can hardly see straight, you’ll never get to laugh with all the football players over beers or have someone there tell you your eyes are the darkest and prettiest they’ve ever seen, that you are the most magic in this world so far.

That’s what you think, though. And so you stay home from the party and you stay home the next day and the next, and eventually it becomes routine, this quiet life, this microwaved pizza in front of netflix, this early bedtime in your dorm room, this no thanks, not tonight, sorry, not today, maybe some other time, this crushing aching loneliness that eats so bitter into you it burns.

But someone is at the party right now, looking for you. Someone is at the party right now asking their friend or their boyfriend or the girl from next door where you are, should they call you to come over, someone has an extra beer for you, waiting for the moment you walk in, someone is talking to someone else about how they always admired the way you wrote, someone is thinking about how grateful they are for that time you held their hair back when they were sick over the toilet. That boy you always look at in class is trying to force a laugh with his friends while he thinks about how badly he wishes you were there with him, gagging over the taste of the gin and pretending not to notice each other’s faces glowing.

And so you don’t go to the party because you think no one will miss you, but the entire time someone else is thinking that maybe next time they won’t go to the next party either because it’s just not as beautiful without you there.

[nahanahan]

i am sad