hello ! i jus wanna say i hope these lame ass hate comments don’t get to you cause i REALLY love ur workss, i enjoy reading them sm 💕 have a nice day lovely
bestie i didn't think i was getting any hate until you said this 😭 /nm
but thank you for the lil ego boost, got me out here blushing and shii
𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: mean dom!dazai, bratty!sub!reader, brat taming, established relationship, vaginal sex, spanking, mirror sex, hair pulling, rough sex, degradation, slut shaming, dumbification, petnames “darling, dear”, dacryphilia, unprotected sex, implied overstimulation
𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 0.9k+
𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫: @nahoyas-nymph aka. wifey <33
✧ 𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭
𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐃𝐀𝐙𝐀𝐈’𝐒 𝐉𝐎𝐁 𝐓𝐎 𝐓𝐄𝐒𝐓 𝐏𝐄𝐎𝐏𝐋𝐄’𝐒 𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄. he took a great amount of pleasure out of annoying those around him or getting under their skin. chuuya and kunikida were fine examples. what he didn’t appreciate was you trying to give him a taste of his own medicine.
you’ve been acting up all day. every time you talked back, dazai felt his eyebrow twitch ever so slightly. dazai didn’t care how hypocritical it was for him to get mad at your misbehaviour. all he cared about at this point was teaching you a lesson.
somehow he manages to maintain that sly grin of his for the entire day. it leads you to think that maybe your plan failed. you were curious to see if you could actually push him into punishing you but it appears not. you were completely naive as to what would happen when you arrived home.
you didn’t even notice him follow you into the bathroom. you only realized that he was there when you saw him in the mirror. before you could react, dazai's bending you over the sink. “someone was naughty today,” he hums. his tone at first sounds playful but there’s a bit of danger laced in those words. “i think i need to remind you who you’re dealing with”.
you had been preparing to hop into the shower so you’re already naked for hin. perfect, that makes dazai’s job a whole lot easier. there’s no fabric protecting your ass when dazai raises his hand and brings it down to connect with your skin. you yelp as a sharp pain racks your body.
“i-i was only kidding ‘samu” you pout.
“no, you were being a brat”. still, his voice seems almost cheery. somehow it makes this punishment so much worse. it feels like you’re being mocked when he spanks you a second time. “don’t you worry. i’m going to fuck you so hard that, by the time i’m done with you, you’ll be too dumb to remember how to even be a brat”.
a shiver runs up your spine as you hear his belt unclasp. at the very same time your thighs unconsciously rub together. you’re loving every second of this and he’s barely gotten started yet.
there’s no foreplay or prep for him shoving his fat length into your tight pussy. who needs to get you ready when dazai can just bully his way into your little cunt. unavoidable tears form in the corners of your eyes as he stretched your poor hole. it stings and feels so good all at once.
it takes a while for him to bottom out. as dazai tries sheathing himself inside, his free hand suddenly comes to the back of your head and lifts it by tugging on your hair. “i want you to look at yourself” he said as your eyes met your reflection. maybe if you see yourself getting fucked into submission you’ll actually learn”.
what starts off as a whimper ends in a loud moan as his balls finally slap against your clit. you’re granted about half a second to get used to his size before dazai’s pulling out and pounding back into you. you’re surprised your head doesn’t slam against the mirror at the force he’s thrusting into you with.
you attempt to keep your eyes glued to the glass in front of you but it proves difficult the more moans fall from your face. seeing your face looks so lewd fills you with a sense of embarrassment that’s almost impossible to describe. the last straw is the tears that finally come washing down your face.
it’s then that you look away from yourself. as soon as you do the familiar feeling of dazai’s palm against your ass cheek tips through your body. “a brat and can’t follow simple instructions hmm?” he sighs in your ear, suddenly stopping his movements. “i can do this all night, darling. either you watch yourself or you don’t get to cum. make your choice”.
bottom lip trembling, your gaze drifts back to the mirror. dazai hums in satisfaction before returning to abusing your pussy. “that’s what i thought. got nothing smart to say now, do you? you tried to act big today but in the end you’re just a cock drunk slut. wanna cum on this dick?”.
“y-yes” you stammer. it feels pathetic watching yourself beg this way but you need it so bad. he was right. no matter how much you acted up you’d always fall in line for his cock. “please make me cum. promise i’ll be good from now on”.
“that’s more like it,” dazai chuckles, picking up the pace. his smugness make have gotten to you of your head didn’t feel so fuzzy. he kept his word, he was making you so stupid that you had no choice but to behave. “you can cum then” he gives you permission as he reaches to pinch your clit. “just make sure you watch yourself as you do”.
following his orders perfectly, you witness your face contort in pleasure when your high finally comes. legs shaking you, you cream on his girth. dazai groans when he sees that beautiful white ring around his base. “well done”.
right as he gives you some praise you disappoint dazai by trying to squirm away from him. “not so fast, my dear. i never said i was done with you. i still haven’t cum” he tsks, pulling you back in place by your hips. “besides, 𝐈 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐊 𝐈 𝐂𝐀𝐍 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐀 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐃𝐔𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑”.
Hi I'm actually crying tears of gratitude thank you for giving my fave fic love. It's not everyone's cup of tea but like your tags gave me life jrjsmamzlfldkcjsnsjjdfkfm you've made my day kekskskdk maybe my week or so kdkzkskskdf also def hot up the playlist if you haven't already. 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
AHH I DIDNT EVEN SEE THE PLAYLIST?? it just keeps getting better 😭 tbh i should be thanking you for writing it, literally can’t even describe how much i enjoyed it 😩
High enough
Sanzu ft. Kakucho
Warnings: idk 8.5/10 sad? virtue is back on her depressing streak so it's dark. Come listen to this for the mood n inspiration that started this. Discussion of drugs/overdose
almost 1K, if that matters to you
The bathroom tiles were stinging cold against Sanzu’s thighs and the porcelain rim of the tub dug painfully into his neck. He’d be rather uncomfortable, that is, if he could process his sense of touch properly right now. His ears throbbed with his heartbeat as his eyes desperately darted around the room, past empty capsules and ground pills, discarded bottles, and the shower curtain he’d ripped down in a manic fit.
He squinted as if it’d make his wobbling vision any clearer, as if it’d summon what he needed most. But of course, the large house was empty. Like a prisoner, he confined himself to this place that once represented the happiness he never thought he’d deserve, let alone have. He stumbled through the halls unsteadily, praying to gods he didn’t believe in just to see wisps of your form, hear your laugh even if he knew it was a trick of the substance of the hour.
Sanzu dragged his hand down his face and saw it glisten in the fluorescent light with tears he didn’t know he was crying. There was a steady drip in the back of his mind. Each drop falling through the clouds of his mind and down his back. He shivered involuntarily. Looking down at his hands again, the puddle he was sat in suddenly flooded his spotty senses.
Right. The water was on. After a moment of willing his heavy body to move, he reached to stop the flow of water. He stood and lowered himself t-shirt and boxer clad in the lukewarm water as the displaced fluid cascaded over the edge and flooded the room. Powders scattered on the floor dissolved into the discarded water that swept bits of tinfoil away.
Sanzu sniffed tears away and swiped at his nose to leave a bright red streak. Copper tinged his tongue. He sunk suddenly in the water, shirt billowing up and water spilling loudly over. Before he knew it, he was screaming half underwater but through it all that’s when he heard it. It was soft. Ethereal.
“Zuzu?”
But it wasn’t real. He knew by now that no matter how high he got he’d never hear that voice again. It was a trick of the mind, conjuring what he craved to further torment himself at the loss that plagued him daily.
“Zuzu?!”
Sputtering, he came up for air. It was so clear. Too clear. The panic in your voice was so evident. Fuck, fuckfuckfcuk, had it done it? Had he breeched the divide enough to see you one last time?
A featherlight touch, radiant like a sun ray graced his cheek and Sanzu looked up into ethereal orbs full to the brim with raw fear. “Zu what are you doing?” He was fully sobbing now. Pressing a soaking hand over the sensation on his cheek, he choked on another sob.
Sanzu was stunned to silence, save the body wracking breaths he heaved. Specter-like eyes softened in understanding. “Haru…” He reached for your figment, tears mixed with the blood from his nose and ran into his mouth. Your apparition tried to wipe the mixture away with an unmistakable expression of heartbreak on your face.
“I…you…I’did it. You’re ‘ere…” His voice broke. “You’re finally here…” He slurred the words.
I’ve missed you every second, with every part of me. It felt like my soul was ripped from my body when you left. I can’t live without you. I couldn’t stand to live without you. I had to see you again. I had to. I had to see you. My everything, the angel that saved me…it should have been me, y/n. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.
He wanted to chant the words, say all the things he couldn’t when you were here with him. He needed to sob his ‘sorry’s and ‘thank you’s into your soft hair one last time. But the words wouldn’t come.
“Baby, you shouldn’t have done this for me,” The voice crackled with emotion like a staticky radio in his ears. Sanzu felt warmth where the ghost of a kiss met his forehead, “You’re not supposed to follow me like this, Haru.”
“Donn leavf…” Black spots prickled in his sight as everything faded. “B’by…no’gain”
“Zuzu, hey! Haru stay with me?” Your panicked voice was fading. Everything sounded as if it were underwater. Warbled and marbled, like dust swirling at the surface, too light to sink and never quite making it to him. Sanzu was plunging into blackness, sinking from the anchor in his chest, the heavy words sitting in his lungs that he’d never be able to tell you.
“Haru! Oi, Haru!”
“S’far ‘way, cmback…” Sanzu’s sight had fully blackened. Too far gone to either feel or hear the garbled words he spoke into the now bloodied water pinking the bath, he steadily sunk as your form of light faded with his consciousness.
The sound of the door being slammed open minutes ago and the feeling of his ragdoll body being hoisted from the water was lost on him. “Haruchiyo, you bastard, stay with me!” Kakucho’s voice, gruff with shock pleaded at the motionless figure. Kakucho rolled the limp man on his side and let water flow from the smaller man’s mouth. His friend was hardly breathing, if he was at all. Kakucho couldn’t hear much outside of the adrenaline forcing his heart to beat resoundingly in his ears. His knees were soaked in cooling water, pink from Sanzu’s still bleeding nose. “Oi, Sanzu!” He shouted this time, beginning to search for a pulse. “You fucking idiot, you can’t die on me!”
No pulse.
Fuck.
“Haru, she’d never forgive me. You can’t die like this.”
...
Ye um @softbajis here's the finished thing and, uh fuck it @sano-obsessed i sent you the draft in the middle of the night, here's the ending. I hope it lived up to yesterday's sanzu angst-pocalypse.
genre: smut (minors + ageless blogs dni!! you’ll be blocked)
warnings: hybrid!reader gn!reader minus toji’s part which is afab, owner!characters, corruption kink, riding, size kink, titty sucking, lactation kink (toji)
a/n: this is a repost because the original got deleted. would really appreciate any reblogs on this one :((
gojo satoru
gojo absolutely ADORES bunny hybrids. he loves to pet their king ears. he can never get enough of their adorable twitchy noses or soft bushy tails. most of all he loves the innocent aura bunny hybrids have about them. it makes that corruption kink of his go wild but gojo is also the first to tell people that don’t let that innocence full them. bunny hybrids have a crazy sex drive and can go for hours. luckily so can he so he’ll have his little rabbit voice on his dock until neither of you can take it anymore.
geto suguru
for geto sheep hybrids are where it’s at. not only because they’re soft and perfect for cuddling but also because, like gojo, he really gets off on how innocent sheep hybrids can be. the nervous little “baa” his hybrid lets out the first time it sees his cock makes him even harder. there’s no denying the lustful look in his lamb’s eyes either. sheep hybrids may try to squirm away from his huge cock but they take it in the end. geto always rewards his hybrid for letting him stretch them out by pampering them to his hearts content.
nanami kento
there’s no doubt that cat hybrid’s are nanami’s favourite. they’re intelligent and know how to keep themselves well groomed. the independence of cat hybrid’s makes it easy for him to go to work without worrying about his kitty. when he returns he does make it up to his cat hybrid for leaving, especially if he had to work overtime. nanami’s prissy kitten switches into a kitten who loves being stuffed with cock in seconds. no wonder he hates his job if he had such a cute hybrid waiting for him back at home.
toji fushiguro
toji goes crazy for cow hybrids. he loves putting a little bell around his calf’s neck so he can hear it ring as he fucks you with his fat cock. what he loves even more than how well his hybrid takes his dick is your milk. toji could tease your massive tits for hours, drinking from them until his greedy mouth his satisfied. which usually takes a while but it’s a relief to you. always hurts holding in so much milk. you’re more than happy to feed him his fill.
you were running as fast as you could, leaping over logs and weaving between trees, your heart pounding in your chest not only from the physical exertion but in anticipation as well. the hunt had begun.
it’d been on sanzu’s mind ever since he’d jumped out and scared you the other day. the look of fear in your eyes— the way a scream tore from your throat, it made all the blood in his body rush south.
so, one night after dinner, he asked if you’d go on a drive with him. coaxing you out of the car, he’d brought you to the edge of the forest, a malicious smirk on his face as he gave you only one simple instruction— “run.”
so here you were, ducking under the limb of a tree as you spotted a dilapidated shed in the distance. sprinting toward it, you shoved the door open and frantically looked around, finding a small cupboard you could hide in for the time being.
it wasn’t even a minute before you heard footsteps approaching, low laughter echoing through the air. chillbumps rose on the back of your neck as you slapped a hand over your mouth to quiet your ragged breathing. maybe he’d walk past the shed. then you could run back to the car.
“come out, come out wherever you are..” sanzu crooned, sounding closer this time. “i know you’re here.“
a shiver ran down your spine as you pressed further against the back of the cupboard, squeezing your eyes shut as if that’d somehow keep you safe, as if somehow it’d make you smaller.
“you can run all you want but you know i’ll fuckin’ catch you.” sanzu taunted, “and when i do… i’m going to break you.“
your heart was hammering so loudly you were sure he could hear it, sweat pouring down your back as you remained curled up with your knees pressed to your chest. all you could do was hope that he’d overlook your hiding spot.
“tsk.” with the click of a tongue, the door to the cupboard was yanked open, ice blue eyes boring into you. scarred lips curving into a sadistic grin. “didn’t i tell you not to let yourself get cornered?”
⊱give it all you got ; haitani ran x fem!reader x stranger
warning: explicit, 18+, dark content, fem!reader, noncon, oral sex (fem!receiving), sex with a stranger, violence, blood, death, humiliation, murder, public sex, degradation, toxic relationship, abusive relationship, jealousy, alcohol consumption, reader is kind of drunk, inebriation, suggestions of drug use, vaginal sex, creampie, petnames (princess, baby, babygirl), bonten timeline, this is violent and dark
summary: You spend a little too much time with a guy at the bar, Ran decided to punish you both. wc: ~3.3k
an: big yikes on my part, i’m way too into this.
minors dni 18 + dark content
It was late, later than you had thought you’d be there, standing at a bar in the middle of the city. Chatting with strangers as you waited for your boyfriend to pick you up. He was late, a usual occurrence from Haitani Ran. Of course, you understood, he was busy, extremely busy, and even if he was late, he always made it up to you – always.
Warnings: None
Pairing: Draken x Mikey
Word Count: 500
The bells that chimed any time a customer entered the store ignited a tinge of annoyance in Draken’s tone.
“Read the sign buddy, we closed thirty minutes ago.”
Draken didn’t look up from the motorbike he was fiddling with, but he did gesture towards the ‘closed’ sign hanging off the door to emphasise his point. Although the man who’d entered the shop didn’t even try to take the hint, rather, he took his time to peruse the photos Draken had displayed on the walls.
The dark circles under Draken’s eyes were a testament to how badly he wanted to go home for the day. So, upon realising the man had no intention of leaving, he approached him from behind with an irritated expression on his face. Draken grabbed the man’s shoulder with the intention of throwing him out of his store, but his anger dissipated in an instant once the man turned to look Draken in the eyes. And Draken was met with a set of eyes that were somehow infinitely more tired than his own.
“It’s been a while, Ken-chin.”
The tired man feigned a smile.
“Mikey?”
The name was the only sound that could be heard echoing through an otherwise empty room for a long time. Long enough to make Mikey wonder whether coming back was a mistake.
“If you don’t want to see me, I’ll go.”
Mikey added bluntly, despite feeling somewhat sheepish. Turning back around, he continued reminiscing over the framed Toman picture on the wall.
Blinking himself back to reality, Draken smiled to himself when he realised what was happening
“No, no. I’m just surprised it took you so long to visit. I almost thought you were dead.”
Mikey almost laughed at the irony.
“Would’ve stopped by sooner but I figured you wouldn’t want me around anymore.”
Draken chuckled to himself, shaking his head at the floor before letting his eyes fall on the same picture Mikey had been analysing. The photo itself had been taken soon after Toman was founded; before it all went to shit, as Draken liked to say.
“Now what made you think that?” He asked, though his question was rhetorical. “Y’know, the day this picture was taken, was the same day I promised we’d take over Tokyo together. We were gonna create-”
“-a new age for delinquents. I remember.”
Mikey found it impossible to stop himself from smiling at the reminder of his childhood dream.
“I still need to fulfil that promise, Mikey.”
The light behind Mikey’s newfound smile soon faded once he realised what was about to happen. Nevertheless, he turned to his long lost friend and gave him the biggest grin he could muster.
“Thank you, Ken-chin. But you can’t.”
“What do you mean I can’t? What’s stopping me?”
The universe answered Draken’s question before Mikey could. And the answer came in the form of bells. But the this time, they were alarm bells. Mikey peered through tired eyes at the alarm clock beside his bed. He frowned at the date it displayed: May 10th 2022.
“hello! we’re pleased to inform you that your room is ready and you are able to check in as soon as you receive your keycard at the front desk. we hope you enjoy your stay in Roponggi!”
ノノノ when you come to the front desk, please remember to:
ゝ reblog this when you’re accepted into the network
contents: 18+, mdni, explicit sexual content, bonten timeline, drugs (mentions of acid and coke, usage of laced weed and pcp), unprotected sex, degradation, multiple orgasms, oral sex (f!receiving), mentions of past hookups with ran, cnc, consenual turned non-con(ish) choking, overstimulation, use of safe word, mentions of passing out, implied aftercare
word count: 5k
a/n: this is my submission for cummunity’s tender taboos collab ! thank you @kyechi and @cryptred for letting me yell about this hehe.
You let out a deep breath as nicotine fills your senses. It’s a feeling you’ve been familiar with for a while now. Your body feels lighter and your mind is more at ease. You know that it isn’t true peace, but it’s nice to feel it momentarily—even if it’s fake.
Everyone has their vice, their own little escape from this wretched life that they lead. Drugs, sex, alcohol, whatever it might be and whether we recognize it or not, we use it, and we abuse it to help ourselves.
You haven’t really found yours. You’ve found small things that help you calm down and cope a bit, but you haven't found that special thing. Sanzu has shared his drugs with you before and sure it was fun, but it wasn’t all that. No matter what it is, nothing gets you off like it does with the other people here. Maybe it’s because you have a bigger chip on your shoulder or maybe there’s no reason at all.
The sound of traffic has always helped calm you. You figure that it’s because you grew up around it. Since getting high or drunk doesn’t work too well for you, over the years you’ve learned that the best thing you can do is go up to the roof for a smoke.
“Thought I’d find you up here.”
“I came up here for peace and quiet,” You click your tongue, not needing to turn around to know who was behind you. “It’s no longer peaceful or quiet with someone else up here.”
“Funny.” You can almost hear the way he rolls his eyes when he speaks. “Why’d you really come up here?” What he actually wants to say is, you only come up here when you’re bothered, so what happened now?
“Sanzu’s high out of his mind and it’s annoying me.” He hums in agreement, but doesn’t say anything; as if he’s waiting for you to continue. “And I’m sick of all this infighting,” you begrudgingly admit.
Today, nothing went as planned and everyone’s blaming each other. Takeomi is mad at Rindou, so Ran is mad at Takeomi, Sanzu believes it’s Kakucho’s fault, and you just want everyone to shut the fuck up.
“There it is.” Finally, you turn your head around, solely to shoot him a glare. “Come back inside with me. I’ll get your mind off things. We can fuck around, it’ll be fun.”
“Wow, way to sugarcoat things Rin’.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” You hear his quiet chuckle decorating the words, and you swear your lips curl up at the sound.
“So basically, you have new drugs you want to try?” you raise an eyebrow, exhaling a cloud of smoke into the air.
“Correct, but you don’t have to try them with me. Just want you to keep me company, in case I, you know, go into cardiac arrest.” You laugh at the joke he made and then follow him back into the stairwell.
Rindou’s a lot different when he’s around you, rather than everyone; a lot less guarded. You figure it’s because he doesn’t have to worry about keeping up appearances, with Bonten or his brother, but either way, it makes you feel good that he trusts you enough to be a little vulnerable around.
“So, what drugs are Sanzu on tonight for him to be pissing you off so much?” he muses.
“Shit ton of acid,” you answer, cringing at the memory of the man not shutting up. “He was about to snort a line before I left, too.”
“I don’t blame you for leaving.”
Currently, you’re staying at Bonten’s base. Most everyone has their own place, but sometimes they still stay here regardless. Sometimes it’s safer, others it’s just more convenient.
The only people staying here right now are you, Sanzu, and Rindou. Sanzu’s access to drugs are more limited when he’s at his place, due to Mikey’s rules, so he ends up staying at the base most of the time. Rindou’s here because Ran’s fling of the week is also staying in their shared apartment, and you’re just here ‘cause truthfully, you don’t have anywhere better to be. You have your own place and you go back to it sometimes, but it feels so lonely compared to here.
The elevator stops at the fifth floor, which is the floor that leads to everybody’s rooms. When the doors open, you’re able to see Sanzu on the sofa that’s set in the lobby area. You can see both the lines and the multitude of different pills that lay on the table. Sanzu isn’t gonna die from a gun or a blade, you swear that his own addiction is what will kill him in the end; you pray that you won’t be alive to see it happen.
“What do you have in store for us today?” you ask as you follow him into his room and he closes the door behind you.
It’s probably because you were just outside, but you can’t help but notice how incredibly hot it is in Rindou’s room. It’s nothing he hasn’t already seen, so you have no qualms about unbuttoning your dress shirt, and letting it hang open; but you don’t miss the way Rindou’s eyes flit down to the blue fabric for a moment.
“Let me find it.” His words are mumbled together as he kneels at the nightstand beside his bed. “I hid it in case that little shit out there came looking for it.”
You hear him knock around things in the drawer, not trying to even be remotely gentle as he looks for it. It doesn’t take long for him to shut the drawer and stand up with a small baggie of pills in his hand.
“Ta-da,” he simply says, sliding onto the bed with you.
You aren’t really savvy on knowing which drugs are which, based solely on appearances, so you ask, “What is it?”
“Angel dust.” There’s a small grin on his face as he opens the bag. “Knabbed it off the shipment from last week.”
“Ah,” you nod, watching as he pulls out three of the little white capsules. “You seem excited.”
“Cause I am,” he chuckles. “I’ve been wanting to try this shit for ages. Do you think three is too much?”
You softly shake your head and agree, “Maybe a bit,” watching as he drops a pill back into the bag and the leftovers into his mouth.
He’s got a soft smile as he looks at you. “Now we wait.”
For a while, you were against this—the drugs, but you learned to deal with it, even to participate in it. You’re a fugitive, that was a truth that came a little too harshly for you. You realized that in the end, it really didn’t matter for people like you. You’re able to gamble with your own life as much as you want, because you have no idea the next time you’ll come home from the field. So, people like Sanzu and Rindou will find their freedom in little white pills, while you sit back and watch, hoping that nothing will go wrong.
A few minutes of silence pass, before he speaks up in an alarmed tone. “Oh shit, I got something special for you, too,” he mumbles as he crawls off the bed and returns to his place on the floor. “I almost forgot.”
His search is faster than it was the first time, but as he stands up, you watch him stumble a bit. His hands are quick to grab the edge of his nightstand and you swear that his grip is so tight that he could splinter the wood.
“Rin, you okay?” You figure that the drugs are kicking in, but even so, neither of you know how this’ll affect him.
“Yeah.” His voice is shaky and you can see him squeeze his eyes shut; more than likely trying to focus on something other than whatever shit he’s seeing. “Just give me a moment.”
You’re sitting up now, eyes trained on him and head filling with worry. He takes a deep breath and then returns to his spot on the bed. “‘m okay now.”
While he changes the cart in his wax pen, you settle behind him. You let your hand run up the sides of his arms, until they reach his neck. He lets out a low and quiet moan as you dig your fingers into the skin. You continue on and when he drops his head, you take it as an opportunity to press a kiss into the side of his neck.
His voice sounds light as he chuckles, “Shit, you’re good at this.” You feel him shiver as you lick a stripe up his neck and he’s quickly turning his head away. “Stop distracting me or I’ll never get this shit done.”
He returns to the work he was doing and you lean your chin on his shoulder, eyes fixed on his hands and the way they move. He swaps out the carts and throws the old one into the trash can a few feet in front of him. “Here, it’s for you.”
“Ooh, lucky me,” you chuckle, taking the device into your hand and bringing it to your lips.
You take three large inhales and return to your assault on his neck as you wait for them to take effect.
In contrast to your usual highs, it only takes about five minutes for it to start to settle in your system. They all hit you like a tidal wave. Three would’ve barely been anything for you, but this… “Holy shit, this isn’t regular weed, is it?”
“It's spiced,” he answers, words sounding tired and a bit slurred.
Intense wouldn’t even be the right word to describe it. You can feel everything and it’s almost nauseating. In an attempt to feel better, you lay back down onto the bed. As soon as you lie down, he’s there right next to you, greedy hands pulling you closer to him.
You’ve had highs like this before, but never from a pen or weed in general. You’re too aware of everything going on. Rindou’s hands on your body, his breath on your skin, the draft coming from the vent in the corner of his room—hell, even the clothes you’re wearing.
You flinch as his tongue makes contact with your skin and it makes sense that on top of everything else, you’re also more sensitive.
You suck a deep breath in, trying to focus on something in the room to calm yourself down. “You didn’t just bring me up here for drugs, did you, Rin?” You both knew the answer to that and that was only confirmed when he chuckled into your skin.
“Maybe not,” he mumbles, not giving you any sort of warning as he sinks his teeth into your softened skin.
“Fuck,” you swear, eyes snapping shut as soon as you feel it. “Rin, you can’t just do that.”
He doesn’t respond, simply flashing you a lazy smirk—that you can’t even see, and tonguing over the fresh mark. “Baby,” he slurs out, fingers beginning to dig into your waist. “Want you.” He lays a kiss on the base of your neck. “Need you.” Another on your collarbone.
This feels so different than every other time with him. You’ve been high during sex before, but it hasn’t ever been like this. Every touch lights your skin on fire, every word makes your head cloud with lust. At this point, even if you aren’t voicing it, you’d do anything to fuck him.
“Then take me.” What meant to be a statement, came out as a quiet moan.
If someone were to ask, you wouldn’t be able to pinpoint when exactly this started happening. You’ve known Rin for years and it just kinda happened.
You aren’t able to remember the details, but you can remember the fact that you were both drunk and in desperate need of physical contact. It started off a mistake, then an outlet for stress, and then somewhere along the lines, it morphed into a habit.
Deft fingers fiddle with the waistband of your slacks, and you can tell that he momentarily forgets about the zipper and button, because he lets out a frustrated grunt as he tugs at them. You move to do it yourself, but he quickly realizes his mistakes.
You lift your hips when you feel him clutch the fabric and he’s quick to tug the clothing as far down your legs as he can. You help him the rest of the way and your pants end up somewhere on the floor.
“Fuck,” He groans as he sits up, movements a bit sluggish from the drugs. A chill is sent down your spine as his hands grip both of your thighs, spreading them a bit and making you involuntarily clench at the feeling. You swear you can see him drooling a bit at the view.
You try to close them, to push against his hands, but like every other time you’ve tried, he’s far too strong.
Today’s mission was especially stressful for the both of you. Unneeded killing took place, and where that wouldn’t necessarily be a big deal for someone as famous as a Haitiani brother, he knows how you feel about shit like that. You aren’t proud of your ‘line of work’, no one here really is (with the exception of Sanzu, maybe), but he can tell that your mood specifically gets affected by that.
When you got back, even though you weren’t sure when it would be, you knew you should be ready for him to pull you into his room and fuck you into the mattress.
You made a point of putting on Rindo’s favorite lingerie: a lace and flowery set, a thong with a matching bralette, in a teal color that ‘reminds me of my hair in the old days’. Now, you’re starting to rethink your decision, due to that look in his eyes when he sees them.
“Shit, Rin, give me…wait.” Words are failing you as your brain feels very overwhelmed. It’s not that you don’t want this, you just don’t know how well you’re gonna be able to handle it.
He easily keeps them spread, pinning them to the sheets as if to prove some kind of point. “Gotta taste you ‘fore I go insane.”
He’s painfully slow as he licks a stripe against your clothed cunt. Even though he’s out of it, he’s still using his old tricks.
With your eyes pointed at the ceiling and your stomach tightened out of pure anticipation, you feel the man tap his fingers against your skin.
“Eyes on me, doll.”
Even his words are setting off something inside of you. It’s as if whatever you took opened up a whole new part of your brain and your body. Now your eyes are staring deep into his as he carefully pulls your panties down. The tips of his fingers drag alongside your hips, the calloused skin tickling your own in a way that makes you almost shiver.
You can’t tell if it’s from the contact, the anticipation of what he’s planning, or just simply the look in his eyes. With the flimsy material out of the way, he runs his tongue over his upper lip and leans closer.
It’s easy to feel his hot breath against your bare skin and it drives you crazy. He starts by leaving messy kisses on your inner thighs; sucking multiple bruises as he goes. He’s surprisingly teasing for a man who’s desperate.
“Rin, fuck,” you swear, breath shaky. “Just do something.”
The first contact his tongue has with your clit, has you quietly moaning, head pushed back a little as you savor the feeling. Sadly, the feeling is short lived as he quickly pulls away and presses a kiss against your thigh to get your attention.
He stares up at you through tired eyes, and you swear that you have to hold back a moan at his words. “I gave you an order, didn’t I?”
Once your eyes are trained back on him, he returns to his previous actions. His tongue licks a long stripe up your cunt and then a few kitten licks against your clit. He repeats this a few times and it easily gets you borderline panting—especially with the added effects of the drugs.
Your hand finds its way to his hair, and he lets out a deep groan as you grip the strands and push him deeper into your pussy. After one last lick, he takes the puffy bud into his mouth, eliciting a heavenly sound from you. He moans in harmony with you, fingers digging deeper into the skin of your thighs.
He finds it so cute the way you’re fighting the urge to close your eyes and trying your best to obey him. After all, it’s the least you can do after shutting him out all day. He was really worried about you, so you have to make it up to him with those pretty moans of yours.
You don’t question the way one of his hands leaves your leg, but your eyes shoot open when he pushes two fingers inside of you.
“R-Rin,” you manage to say, the feeling more intense than it has been in a long time. “I don’t think—”
You whine at the loss of contact as he pulls his lips away to speak, resting his head against your inner thigh. “How do you think you’re gonna be able to take my cock, if you can’t even handle two fingers?”
You don’t even have a response, too focused on the way the pads of his fingers brushing against your g-spot with ease. He’s sloppier than usual, he doesn’t have those precise and practiced movements that have you screaming his name. The drugs are probably responsible for it, but your own drugs are making the experience more than enjoyable.
“Rin,” you moan out, barely even sure of what you’re about to say.
“What is it, doll?” His voice sounds tired, yet it maintains that teasing lit.
While you struggle to answer what exactly it is, he busies himself by sucking on the fat of your thigh; no doubt littering it with marks.
“I need more.” You barely choke out the words, eyebrows furrowed as you stare at the man in between your legs.
“Sweetheart, no offense, but you can barely handle this.” To further get his point across, he abruptly presses hard into your sweet spot.
You can’t control the loud moan that leaves your lips as your eyes roll back. Your hips jerk against his mouth and you know that you’re almost at your breaking point.
“Besides, weren’t you just complaining that it was too much?”
It’s that unparalleled confidence that has always drawn you towards him. Even though he’s probably tripping out of his mind right now, he’s still as cocky as ever. As an executive, you have a lot riding on your shoulders; a lot of responsibility and a lot of choices to make. So it’s nice to have someone take control every now and then, even if it’s just during sex.
“Please don’t stop.” You can’t even register how loud your cries are, mind too focused on him to worry about keeping quiet like you usually do. “Please, Rin, please.”
He can feel the way your thighs shake beside his head and goddamnit, it’s really been way too long since he’s gotten you like this. There’s only been time for quickies before meetings or after missions, but he hasn’t had enough time to get you shaking for him in a long time, and boy, has he missed it.
“R-Rin,” you whine. “Rin. Want to—shit.”
“What’s that?” he hums, a condescending tone clothed by faux sympathy. “What do you need?”
You sound high out of your mind when you slur the words, “I want to come on your cock.”
He can feel himself twitch when you speak. On one hand, he wants to make you work harder for it, but on the other hand—the compulsive hand that currently has a lot more control in his decision making, he wants to fuck you, and he wants to fuck you right now.
“Fuck, you’re so needy.” The strangled grunt he lets out sounds animalistic as he pulls away from you.
You whine at the loss of contact, but he successfully shuts you up with his mouth on yours. His hands fumble with his belt as he nips at your lips, too high to worry about how he’s wasting all of your juices by accidentally getting them on his pants. The kiss is sloppy, all teeth and tongue as he leans his frame against you.
You’re too busy entangling your hands in his hair to notice how far along he is in stripping, the only way you can know is when you hear the sound of his belt hitting the floor.
“Gonna fuck you real good.” Everything he does and says gets you even more drunk. You’re drunk on his taste, his touch, just him. It might be an over exaggeration, but you’ve never wanted to fuck him more than in this moment.
You whine his name, hands grabbing at his jaw to pull him closer to you. You moan into his mouth when you feel his tip push into you.
“Fuck, you’re so sensitive,” he curses at the way you tighten around him, almost making it almost impossible for him to even bottom out.
If it wasn’t for the drugs numbing his senses, he might’ve not been able to take this. The way you're squeezing him and calling his name, even in this drugged up state, he’s going to need to get a grip or else he might not last for long.
You arch your back against the mattress as he finally fills you up to the hilt. Your hands travel down to his back, and he moans when you drag your nails against his skin.
Over the time you’ve spent with him, you’ve learned all of his little tells, and he’s done the same with you. You know what makes him tick, what his breaking point is and how exactly to get him there. You also know that he has a fixation with pain.
Neither of you have talked about it, there hasn’t been a need. It was understood that he liked it in a sexual sense, but for a long time, you didn’t know the nature of it. He can be sadistic when he fights, and has always gotten a sense of fulfillment when his skin is painted red, but that doesn’t transfer over to the bedroom. When he’s here with you, he wants to be hurt. Whether that be you pulling his hair or digging your nails into him until he bleeds, it drives him crazy.
His strokes are messy, it’s more of him rutting his hips against yours, rather than fluid motions. Even though it isn’t precise like it usually is, it still feels so damn good. His face is buried into the crook of your neck.
Your chest is pressed against his, nipples rubbing against him through the thin fabric of your bralette as you push your head into the pillow. “Rin,” you gasp out as his teeth bite down on your neck, quickly soothing the mark with his tongue. When his hand slips down and he messily rubs the pad of his finger against your clit, you cum on the spot.
He lets out a growl into your neck as you clamp down on his cock, whispering words of how fucking dirty you are. He wants to cum so bad, wants to fill you up to the brim so much that it hurts, but due to the hallucinogens in his system, he needs extra stimulation to get to that point.
His pace never falters, continually fucking into your abused cunt. It doesn’t take long for tears to well up in your eyes.
“Rindou, s-slow down.” Unfortunately, your cries fall on deaf ears. He’s too focused to listen to the weight of your words. “Fuck, I can’t—”
“You can and you will,” he grunts.
It hurts but you’d be lying if you said it didn’t feel good. You don’t know if you physically can take it, but goddamnit, you’ll try your best. You know that no matter how fucked out of his mind he is, he’ll stop if you say the safe word, so you’ll keep that tucked away until the last possible moment.
Tears fall down your cheeks and Rindou has to admit that it has to be one of the prettiest sights he’s seen. There’s part of him that feels bad for this, for pushing you to your limits, but god, seeing you like this makes him want to tear you apart. He wants to get you to those limits and push you beyond that point.
“God, you’re so fucking tight. Acting like you don’t like this, dirty fucking slut.” His words are followed by a loud and almost pornographic moan. “Sucking me in like this, but bitching about how you can’t take it. P-pick one—fuck.”
It doesn’t take long for you to cum again. It’s more forced and rushed this time, but it still feels good all the same. But now, as he still fails to slow down, you think you might pass out.
You’re sobbing at this point, moaning and whining, begging him to stop, but he doesn’t. He just keeps fucking you like a bitch in heat.
“Rindou, please.” You sound pathetic, you know that, but if he keeps going, he’s going to break you.
“Shut up,” he growls, hand finding its way to your throat. “You’ve whored yourself out to the rest of Bonten, you can handle this.”
His palm presses against the skin, fingers wrapping against the sides as he applies minimal pressure.
“I haven’t, please, Rindou.” You deny his accusations, desperately shaking your head.
“Stop lying to me,” he speaks through gritted teeth as he ruts into you. “You’ve slept with my fucking brother, so you’re gonna take what I give you.”
You and Ran fooled around a long time ago, and it was also a long time before anything happened between you and Rindou. He knows it was purely sex and it doesn’t bother him that much nowadays, but sometimes, the thought of anyone else getting to see you like this sends him into a feral state.
His speed picks up and his grip on you tightens. His release is close by, right there on the tips of his fingers, but in chasing it, he’s hurting you. He should feel bad, he partially does, but it feels so good that he can’t bring himself to stop. How can he when you’re sucking him in like this?
His palm presses into your throat in an uncomfortable way, and just like that, all ability to breathe is out the window. It always feels good when he chokes you, but sometimes, he can go a bit overboard by accident.
You lightly tap your finger against his wrist, three times signifying the ‘safeword’ just as you have every time before, but he doesn’t stop. Your eyes widen in surprise as he keeps applying pressure, at this point he’s pressing you into the mattress.
You repeat the action, a bit harder this time. You’re starting to panic when he continues. You trust that Rindou would and will never hurt you, not on purpose at least, but this is alarming. It’s never happened before and you don’t know why it’s happening now. Until, it hits you.
You didn’t calculate the drugs running through him. His senses are numbed, he probably can’t even feel it. You tug on his wrist with both of your hands, but it still doesn’t get through to him. You're losing your strength, due to the clouding feeling in your head, and you’re also running out of options. You don’t know what to do. You try and pull his hair, but his only reaction is a muffled moan into your neck.
You’re scared. You’re tired, weak, far past overstimulated, and now you can’t even breathe. You want to be done. You’ll suck him off so that he cums, but you can’t do this anymore—
All of those thoughts leave your head as he buries himself deep inside of you one last time, and reaches his orgasm. As soon as you feel him start to feel you up, you’re cumming with him.
“Fuck, baby—fuck, fuck, fuck,” he rambles, too lost in pleasure to make coherent statements.
His grip starts to loosen up after his high peaks and you gasp for air as it does. The experience was scary, but honestly, that was a good fucking orgasm, and you have to wonder if the lack of oxygen helped.
You grab at your throat, panting as you try to regain your breath, and Rindou looks scared shitless when he looks at you, and even though he’s exhausted, his energy comes back in the form of panic.
He pulls his half-softened dick out as he leans back to look at you. “Oh my god, are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
“No, I just—”
“I’m so sorry baby, I don’t—I’m sorry I was so rough. Shit,” he curses at himself.
“Baby, calm down.” You rub your finger against his cheek and the way he leans into your hand is fucking adorable. “You didn’t mean to, you just didn’t notice when I tapped your wrist.’”
“Fuck,” he groans, laying his head on your chest, turning his cheek to press it against the skin. “I’m so sorry, doll.”
“Don’t be, it’s okay.” You really aren’t that bothered, yeah it was scary in the moment, but you’re fine now and that’s what matters.
“What can I do?” He nuzzles his head into you, laying between your legs. “Want to go take a bath?”
“Sure,” you smile at him, running your hand through his lavender hair.
What started as a hookup and led to a habit, had now turned into something you genuinely couldn’t live without.
pairing: haruchiyo sanzu x f!reader (she/her pronouns used)
warnings: 18+, MINORS DNI, ANGST ANGST ANGST, non-explicit sex, drug and alcohol usage, cursing, heavy themes of addiction
notes: i’m so fucking sad so i wrote this LMAO. but hey at least i’m channeling negative feelings into a healthy outlet, right? as always, likes and reblogs are super appreciated!
beta-reader: @christeningsakusa
the one thing that haruchiyo hates the most about himself is how he doesn’t allow the things that should hurt to cause him pain.
every tear that rolls down his wet cheeks has to be covered up with a fake smile, the two scars that frame the corners of his mouth curling upwards and pointing to the night sky. every pang that his heart feels or negative thought that passes through his mind is masked by a joke— always one that makes light of the situation that’s troubling him.
it’s an awful way to live, and it’s definitely caused a lot of strife within himself and his relationships. his friends don’t take his problems seriously, but honestly, how could they? he won’t even let himself process his emotions fully, much less tell the people he loves how he really feels.
and so, haruchiyo falls back on the only things he knows— using drugs and humor to cope with the ache that he feels deep within his chest.
“so, i was driving down the street today, right? nearby her house,” sanzu says after snorting white powder off of a tiny metal spoon. he flicks the tips of his nose with his thumb before adding on, “and i swear to god there was a lady walking down the street that looked exactly like her. had the same cute lil walk and everything— with her knees pointing outwards, making it look like she’s waddling like a little penguin.” he chuckles softly to himself when he remembers the first time he pointed it out to you, which resulted in you punching his chest and dodging his kisses for the next hour.
“you’re probably just seeing things,” rindou says nonchalantly, grabbing the lighter from sanzu’s other hand to light a cigarette. “you guys just broke up and you miss her, so it makes sense that you see her everywhere.”
“i agree with rin,” ran butts in. taking a swig from the aged scotch he’d been sipping on all night, he adds on, “when my ex-girl and i broke up, i couldn’t step foot into one of our night clubs in roppongi— it was her favorite place to go. too many bad memories associated with that place, so i had rindou collect the financial reports from that place by himself for a few months. you remember that, lil bro?” he nudges his younger brother, some of the dark liquor spilling onto the couch in the process, and it makes rindou hiss.
“how could i forget? you still owe me half of your salary for that month, remember?” the purple-haired man takes one final pull from his cigarette before smothering it in the ashtray. “breakups suck, haru, but you’ll get over it eventually. just takes time,” he emphasizes his last sentence by kicking his feet up onto the coffee table, leaning back and resting his hands behind his head.
of course the “resident pretty boy bachelor” who’s never experienced true heartbreak gives such nonchalant advice, sanzu thinks to himself, dismayed. figures.
“you know,” ran adds on, clapping his heavy palm on sanzu’s shoulder. “they say the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. why don’t you try it?”
“you don’t think it’s too soon? it’s only been a few weeks…” haruchiyo asks, but ran immediately waves the thought away. “nah, i think it’ll be good for you! you’ll get to see what’s out there, maybe even find a new person to occupy your time.”
sanzu nods his head a few times, registering the words of supposed wisdom that his friend imparted onto him.
ran haitani is a lot of things— prideful, extravagant, and (at times) idiotic— but sanzu would have never taken him for a liar.
well, ran did lie, because it is way too early for haruchiyo to be sleeping with a new person. and now, he feels like utter shit.
as he ties up and disposes the used condom, haruchiyo scolds himself for his lapse in judgement. occupy my time? more like waste my time.
his coping mechanism for the night is a sweet, pretty college-aged girl whose company he would have enjoyed otherwise in any other circumstance. but right now, the only thought plaguing his mind is how she’s not you. how nobody can ever compare to you.
she tries to plant one last kiss on his lips which he swiftly dodges, outstretching his arm behind her and grabbing his car keys. he leaves without uttering another word to her, instead choosing to solemnly bow his head out of respect. as he exits the front door of the lavish hotel room, he notices the way that her eyes narrow slightly at him, studying him as if he were a specimen underneath a microscope— the same way that yours did whenever you knew something was wrong but haruchiyo wouldn’t fess up.
is he really that easy to read? he asks himself as he places his key into the ignition.
knock. knock. knock.
the dark oak doors that once signified warmth now feel cold against his knuckles. he waits a minute, reflecting on tonight’s decisions that led him to your front porch. just as he’s about to give up and walk away, he hears shuffling on the other side of the doorway.
“haruchiyo?” your sleepy form asks, rubbing your tired eyes with the back of your hand.
haruchiyo, huh? he laments. no longer “haru,” or “babe,” or “my love.” hell, he would’ve even preferred “sanzu” instead of his full first name. but “haruchiyo”— it exists in a liminal space, a plane between familiarity and distance, a hallmark of lovers that once were but are no longer.
“what are you doing here?” you add on, this time with more alertness in your voice upon realizing that your ex-boyfriend is at your front door. “are you in trouble?”
“no, no,” he assures you, taking his hands out of his pockets and raising them up, a sign of his sincerity. “just missed you, that’s all.”
you groan and throw your head back. “you know, phones exist, right? you could just call me instead of waking me up at 3 in the fucking morning.”
“i wanted to see your face.”
“facetime exists.”
sanzu sighs internally. you’ve always been so hardheaded, borderline bratty. he loved it throughout the duration of your relationship, but now it poses a formidable barrier. he knows that there’s no way to get through to you, so he decides to do something that he rarely ever does— he’s honest with you, and in turn, honest with himself.
“i thought i saw you today,” haruchiyo begins, and you lean against your door frame, amused by the abrupt subject change.
“couldn’t be me,” you assert, crossing your arms. “didn’t leave my house once today.”
“i know it wasn’t you,” he interrupts, slightly frustrated by your combatant remark. “i just thought it was you. but anyways, can i at least tell you my thoughts?”
you motion your hand out, signaling for him to continue on. sanzu takes a deep breath, letting the frosty winter air fill his lungs.
“i’m sorry,” he exhales. “i’m sorry for hurting you. i’m sorry for putting myself above you and fucking everything up. i’m sorry for not being more of a man for you.”
a weak “haru” slips past your lips but sanzu forges on. “i promise i’ll change— i’ll get the help i need, i’ll go to therapy, i’ll get clean. please, just give me the fucking chance and i’ll prove to you that i’m not a lost cause.”
“haru.”
ah, there it is again, sanzu thinks to himself. the nickname that he’s grown to love— mainly because you were the one who gave it a new meaning for him so many years ago. he’s hopeful as he waits for your response.
but hope has proven to be such a fickle thing in haruchiyo’s life. a double-edged sword— the rosy picture of a future with you is what keeps him pushing forward, but it’s also what’s holding him back.
“are you high again?”
his jaw goes slack at your question. “n-no,” he stutters, heat creeping up in his face and static dizzying his mind. “i mean, i did do a bump at the club but that was hours ago. i’m sober now baby, i-i promise.” he reaches out to grab your hand, but you retract and pull it back, stepping further back into your home.
“i don’t believe you. the haru i know would never be able to say these things to me sober,” you choke out; it’s clear that you’re on the brink of tears, but mustering up every ounce of strength in you, your hand wraps around your door, bony knuckles peeking out through your skin.
“i promise you that i’m trying to change!” haruchiyo pleads, but to no avail. you’ve already made up your mind.
“yea? then prove it to me,” you say, almost shutting the door completely. but before you close it fully, your somber face peeks out through a little slit in the doorway, voice now significantly meeker than before.
“i miss you too, and i want to see you get better. i just don’t know if i could put myself through the pain of watching the man i love endanger his life every fucking night.” you sniffle and hic, hot tears now streaming down your face. “text me when you get home so that i know you’re safe.”
the door slams in haruchiyo’s face, and that’s when a realization hits him— you still love him, and you always have. it’s just that he doesn’t deserve your love.
sanzu’s ride home is unusually quiet— no loud music blaring in the background, no lit cigarette between his fingers. just his white knuckles gripping the steering wheel, nails digging into his palms and threatening to draw blood.
he texts you a quick ‘home’ before shutting off his phone and tossing it onto his couch. legs giving out, sanzu falls onto his hardwood floors on all fours, hands and knees planted firmly on the ground as he feels like his heart is collapsing into itself.
he wants to break down, to sob and throw things, to punch holes in the wall. he wants to have an outburst— to channel all the anger, pain, and frustration he feels. but he can’t bring himself to do it.
and so, just to keep himself from crying, he does the only other thing he knows how to do.