When I first started working, I would come home all alone, just me and my doggy in my house a lot of days, I would watch that show from the late 80s or early 90s designing women, I remember feeling so lonely, big pit in my guts and heart, I would think about the nearly 20 years I spent with my husband and feel so deeply lost. Everyday I had someone to talk with, sleep with, eat with, laugh with. Someone to share my life. Reflecting on not having that anymore I would cry most days, sometimes scream and cry. The after work loneliness. The shame and anger i felt at losing something id thought id never lose. When my husband told me he was going to live with his other partner and didn't want to be with me anymore I blacked out screaming, I came to at the toilet screaming and crying hugging the bowl like I was gonna puke. I hyperventilated so bad he almost called 911.
When we got together I was still a child. I was 16. I had a little mermaid bed set still. A pretty purple one and a matching Ariel poster on my wall next to my punk flyers.
When I was a little girl, around 8 I came home crying from school. I told my mom i wished I could be Mexican, that all the prettiest girls at school were Mexican, i wanted to speak Spanish and I wanted to be beautiful like they were to me. Now here 30 years later my partner is Mexican, my best friend is Mexican and my coworkers are Mexican and I feel so blessed to be accepted and included by them. I feel "you can sit with us" today for Cinco de mayo I got to work and they said where's your flower for your hair, I told them I didn't have one and my favorite coworker took the big red Rose from her hair and positioned it in mine. My other favorite coworker got her red lipstick and had me put it on, they were happy to include me, I felt my heart full, my face a little warm and a big smile, "you can sit with us"
April 6th I had emergency appendix removal surgery, appendectomy. It was right after spring break, I had a huge stupid fight with my boyfriend that Saturday, Sunday was Easter and I spent the whole night sick as fuck and then Monday at 4am I asked my folks to please take me to the hospital, I was supposed to go to work Tuesday, I texted my work crew and told them I was sick in ER probably can't make it to work, then updated them i was going to have surgery and I wouldn't be into work for a while. I had never even had my blood drawn before. And that experience showed me how I've become a new person. I didn't have a panic attack, I didn't freak the fuck out about going under, I didn't do anything but want my boyfriend there. I told my mom to go home get food shower since she been there with me 8 hours and they pushed my surgery up and I went in all alone, no one there for me before they put me out. I prayed in the bathroom as I put on my hospital gown, I knew I was gonna be on my own for this. I asked the anesthesiologist when they asked if I had questions, who was going to hold my hand? And they were so sweet, they held my hand and told me I was doing so good, to keep breathing I was doing soo good. When I woke up I was in excruciating pain, the nurse was quick, running around, she seemed irritated a little and I figured out that she had been calling my boyfriend to be there when I woke up and his phone wasn't getting any of the calls. My mom and my boyfriend came to get me, they let me go home that night at 11pm. My boyfriend made it to the hospital to be there for me, he took the train and bus and sat with my mom and waited while I was operated on. They took care of me best they could, my mom dealt with me on my worst day i couldn't sit or stand or move i would cry from the pain and frustration. That was a month ago now and I feel fine.
The only thing that hurt my heart was my husband didn't come to see me, he texted me he hoped I was doing ok. If he had emergency surgery I would want to be there for him, we were together for 19 years, we are supposed to be family. My friend Manny came to visit me though, brought me a bunch of vegan tacos and made my appetite come back, bless his heart. I guess my husband can't be there for me anymore and that's ok because other people will be.
And the thing that made my heart so happy and full, my doggie Ellie May would not leave my side after my surgery. She wouldn't even go out to go potty, my mom would force her and she would run to the bottom of my outside steps, pee turn around and run back into the house and jump back on the couch or bed with me. She made sure I knew that she was there for me, my best friend and my true companion. She didn't rush me to heal, she was steadfast, determined to stick by my side no matter my condition. She was there on my hardest days, she's been there for me through my hardest days. She's been keeping me going through my separation, through the lonely nights, through the bad days and good days she's an angel and gift to my life, I don't think I could make it without her.
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