A Long Night at Camp Blood @naiveyoungsecrets - Tumblr Blog

It’s way harder than you think

Being married, I mean.

The world wants you to believe that it’s happily ever after, that you find your soul mate and its just smooth sailing for all eternity together, that through thick or thin you hold together and are better together, but it’s not really like that.

It’s lonely. It’s lonely spending so much time with your best friend that you grow to hate all their little idiosyncrasies. It’s lonely trying to figure out how to be your own person. It’s lonely to have a partner that isn’t quite what you need, and in that loneliness you become less of the partner they need too.

It’s fighting over a pile of laundry, it’s taking on more than your weight of emotional baggage and duties, it’s spending a lot of time wondering who the fuck you are and who the fuck you got to where you are.

I spend a lot of time alone.

It’s starting to wear on me a lot.

I work three days a week with the same three people; usually I speak to none of them throughout my day, or if I do speak to them its only for a few minutes. I work alone for the most part, in my own corner hiding from my co workers.

I spend the other four days alone. R works two of them, we’re busy the other two (sometimes), or we watch tv.

The two days I spend completely alone are generally my favorite. I work at my own pace, I do what I want to do and I talk to my cats.

But lately it’s getting to be a little too much. I don’t want to go out, but I don’t want to sit home on the couch my whole life either. I genuinely have no reason to put on make up, to wear shoes other than sneakers or to honestly put any effort into my appearance. Most weeks I spend four to five days in sweatpants talking to no one.

Even when R gets home, I feel alone. He naps or plays video games or we watch tv.

And that’s it.

No one really cares when I use this account anymore. I stopped carrying a notebook years ago and I have no where to toss any of this bullshit loneliness anymore.

Life never really gets easier. You never really get your shit together. Even when it finally feels like you have, there’s tiny curves that feel like crawling over fucking mountains.

That lingering sadness never really goes away even when there’s no reason for it to be there anymore.

I haven’t used tumblr in over a year

But I want to get something out that I don’t really have the platform or courage to put elsewhere.

Streetlight Manifesto is touring the album Everything Goes Numb later this year and I have to go to the show. I listened to it today for the first time in a decade or more and a whole ton of shit bubbled up to the surface that I hadn’t thought about for years.

When I was 16 there was about six months of my life when I honestly and seriously contemplated suicide.

I had just been broken up with by my emotionally abusive first love under some pretty horrific circumstances. I got pregnant. I was young, I was dumb and I didn’t think anything bad could really happen to me. I couldn’t tell my family, I couldn’t tell my friends. He came with me to the clinic, holding my hand and telling me he loved me up until I went into the procedure alone. The day following he told me he had been cheating on me for months with my neighbor, a coworker he met at a job my father had gotten for him. He spent the next six months torturing me into thinking he might not really be gone, while at the same time sending me videos of him and his new 23 year old girlfriend having sex (we were only 16, SIXTEEN).

That Streetlight Manifesto album nearly single handedly pulled me back from the edge, the edge of wanting my pain to finally be over and to finally escape from the isolated hell my life had become.

I listened to the album for the first time in over a decade today on my way into work and sobbed through the song A Better Place, A Better Time (as I’m sure so many other kids who contemplated dying have).

I need to let this shit go. Its been 12 years, its time to let it go.

markv5

Безудержное летнее веселье…

lexaproletariat-deactivated2018

wordsnquotes

I need a life that isn’t just about needing to escape my life

Roberto Polito, “Please Refrain from Talking During the Movie” (via wordsnquotes)

weavemama

proveyourhypothesis

Visit Original Link

dirtbagbarbie

Loving yourself is not (necessarily):

Thinking you’re gorgeous

Not wanting to change anything about your body, personality, or life

Loving yourself is:

Knowing you have inherent worth regardless of your physical appearance or life circumstance

Knowing you deserve good things

Wanting to take care of yourself because you deserve good things

sixpenceee

X-Ray of Two People Kissing

(Source)

palepixi-deactivated20210413

sixpenceee

The Cuyahoga River in Cleveland Ohio, a.k.a. “The burning river”, prior to the formation of the EPA and passing of the Clean Water Act.

autistic-speedbump

Just so you know, Trump rolled back the Clean Water Act and Republicans are trying to shut down the EPA. So get ready to see this again.

sixpenceee

The Grand Canyon lit only by lightning

serpentmythos

@sixpenceee “Fuck this sandstone, in particular…”

pleatedjeans

Three cheers for these guys [x]

blackphoenixincorporated

This is how to be a good ally.

thefingerfuckingfemalefury

Using their Bro-ness for good, not evil

ladyflowdi

So a tiny story: on Black Friday a few weeks ago I went to Gamestop to buy my brother a game for Christmas, and I noticed this older man was watching me like a hawk. He was loitering around the front of the store without really buying anything, and every time I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye he was looking at me. I went to look at the PS4 games, and he was looking at something right behind me. I checked out the Nintendo games, and he was looking at them too. I was the only woman in the store, by the way.

By the time I got in line to pay he was loitering at the front of the store again, and I just had that feeling that he was going to try and take the game I just bought, or steal my purse, as soon as I left the store. OR, he was going to try and follow me home. And I know I don’t have to explain that terror to any woman reading this, but all I could think was that I’m in this Gamestop alone with at least twenty other men and something is about to happen. I’m beginning to freak out, to the point where I’ve just pulled my pepper spray out of my purse and into the pocket of my coat.

So there I am, next in line to pay, and there is this GIGANTIC dudebro right behind me, and I say gigantic as a 6 foot tall woman. He says, “Ma’am? Don’t be offended, but would it be alright if I walked you to your car?” and I was like “Are you serious?” and he was like “There are some weird guys in here right now. Have you noticed that guy watching you?” and then I showed the dudebro the pepper spray in my pocket and he was like “Right on. Would you still let me walk you to your car?” and I said yes.

So I paid, and waited while HE paid, and he walked me to my car. And just as I was getting in, the weird guy who’d been loitering came out of the store, saw me and my dudebro, and turned around and walked away in the opposite direction.

In short: men who recognize that women are unsafe in dark alleys, college campuses, grocery stores, gas stations and retail stores and do something about it are the kind of quality men that this world needs more of.