Demisexuality
Hi everyone, I know it has been awhile and during that time I have been through a lot. To get the ball back rolling I thought that I would share a post about my decision to identify as Demisexual. Before transition I identified as asexual, mainly because I felt discomfort with my body and the role I was expected to play. Those who have known me for a while will know that after transition I felt a need and freedom to express myself sexually and got into kink. I really have enjoyed the ability to be sex positive and be myself authentically. I also enjoyed being part of another community and the ability to feel like I have had a voice within a community made up of others who are unique. Lately, however I havenāt felt that same sexual need, and after a lot of soul searching have decided that my interest really lie in the romantic and my others interests such as Japanese culture and music. Besides this there were also three other major reasons why I have decided at this point to give up any kink activities other than (nonsexual) animal roleplay.
Firstly, I have been feeling an increasing awareness of discomfort with my body and dysphoria that comes with sexual activity. I am very self-conscious especially sexually about my current body. I have often felt in scenes a sense of othering and an actuate dislike for my body. I have felt like that many of kinksters, especially those who are cisgender donāt understand or appreciate this discomfort I have or have made space for it. I felt as though I didnāt have a good space for expressing these discomforts or to seek healing. Likewise I personally have felt more aware of this struggle and the need for me to be more aware of this discomfort. At this point the positive that I get out of most sexual and kink experiences is being outweighed by the negatively, and rather than feeling empowered I have felt increasing uncomfortable about my body.
Secondly, I am tired of being fetishized and sexualized within kink and sexual spaces, particularly by men. Even while identifying as outwardly as possible as a queer femme lesbian, in many spaces I have received a number of unwanted attention from men. It is one thing to invite viewing at public dungeon space (that is part of the point of many dungeon), but it is another to expect autonomy over commenting or touching my body, or to asking for or implying future relationships with me. I was not the best especially early on at establishing personal boundaries, and wanted to keep an open mind and door policy to anyone who wanted to play so long as they were respectful and to new experiences. I found more and more that my generosity in these areas, however were being abused and my personal boundaries were being crossed particularly by men. As a transgender person also I felt that many people were treating me like a fetish or as an āalien,ā play partner. I didnāt feel like I was given a similar treatment as a cisgender woman, and I was tired of my womanhood being challenged, coming with a caveat, or othered. At this point I am tired of being seen as by many men fetish object because of my identities, and more and more I have found a lack of real interest sexual interest with men at all.
Lastly I felt an increasing pressure to make kink and sexual activity a larger part of my life. I was encouraged to cam and to be part of more sexual spaces, activities I realized I was not really interested in pursuing. Even when I was most into sexual based expression I was never interested in sex work or making kink more than a part of my life. I felt more and more inner pressure to meet others expectations, resulting in increasing anxiety at a time in my life where I increasing cannot afford it. I feel like I need to focus my time and energies on finding something that I can call my own and that is more permanent. I am on the verge after many challenging months of finally finding a job, and I am still seeking a romantic partner(s) where I can feel respect, and connect on an intellectually, romantically and in interests. That takes a lot of work and energy, and I need what energy I can spare as someone with naturally low energy thanks to depression.
For these reasons I feel it is time to close the book at least for the time being on being sexual active and part of the kink scene, and embrace an identity that better reflects who I am and my needs. I really did enjoy my time and all I did learn from the kink scene and still plan continuing to do animal roleplay, but it is time for me personally to focus in other pursuits that better meet with my needs and make me feel more authentic.












