Nami's transitional blog

Hi everyone, I am transgender activist, ethno-musicologist and librarian. I wanted to set up a blog to discuss my transitional process and to give my prospective as a transgender woman. Enjoy! ^>^

[namihatfield]

Demisexuality

Hi everyone, I know it has been awhile and during that time I have been through a lot. To get the ball back rolling I thought that I would share a post about my decision to identify as Demisexual. Before transition I identified as asexual, mainly because I felt discomfort with my body and the role I was expected to play. Those who have known me for a while will know that after transition I felt a need and freedom to express myself sexually and got into kink. I really have enjoyed the ability to be sex positive and be myself authentically. I also enjoyed being part of another community and the ability to feel like I have had a voice within a community made up of others who are unique. Lately, however I haven’t felt that same sexual need, and after a lot of soul searching have decided that my interest really lie in the romantic and my others interests such as Japanese culture and music. Besides this there were also three other major reasons why I have decided at this point to give up any kink activities other than (nonsexual) animal roleplay.

Firstly, I have been feeling an increasing awareness of discomfort with my body and dysphoria that comes with sexual activity. I am very self-conscious especially sexually about my current body. I have often felt in scenes a sense of othering and an actuate dislike for my body. I have felt like that many of kinksters, especially those who are cisgender don’t understand or appreciate this discomfort I have or have made space for it. I felt as though I didn’t have a good space for expressing these discomforts or to seek healing. Likewise I personally have felt more aware of this struggle and the need for me to be more aware of this discomfort. At this point the positive that I get out of most sexual and kink experiences is being outweighed by the negatively, and rather than feeling empowered I have felt increasing uncomfortable about my body.

Secondly, I am tired of being fetishized and sexualized within kink and sexual spaces, particularly by men. Even while identifying as outwardly as possible as a queer femme lesbian, in many spaces I have received a number of unwanted attention from men. It is one thing to invite viewing at public dungeon space (that is part of the point of many dungeon), but it is another to expect autonomy over commenting or touching my body, or to asking for or implying future relationships with me. I was not the best especially early on at establishing personal boundaries, and wanted to keep an open mind and door policy to anyone who wanted to play so long as they were respectful and to new experiences. I found more and more that my generosity in these areas, however were being abused and my personal boundaries were being crossed particularly by men. As a transgender person also I felt that many people were treating me like a fetish or as an “alien,” play partner. I didn’t feel like I was given a similar treatment as a cisgender woman, and I was tired of my womanhood being challenged, coming with a caveat, or othered. At this point I am tired of being seen as by many men fetish object because of my identities, and more and more I have found a lack of real interest sexual interest with men at all.

Lastly I felt an increasing pressure to make kink and sexual activity a larger part of my life. I was encouraged to cam and to be part of more sexual spaces, activities I realized I was not really interested in pursuing. Even when I was most into sexual based expression I was never interested in sex work or making kink more than a part of my life. I felt more and more inner pressure to meet others expectations, resulting in increasing anxiety at a time in my life where I increasing cannot afford it. I feel like I need to focus my time and energies on finding something that I can call my own and that is more permanent. I am on the verge after many challenging months of finally finding a job, and I am still seeking a romantic partner(s) where I can feel respect, and connect on an intellectually, romantically and in interests. That takes a lot of work and energy, and I need what energy I can spare as someone with naturally low energy thanks to depression.

For these reasons I feel it is time to close the book at least for the time being on being sexual active and part of the kink scene, and embrace an identity that better reflects who I am and my needs. I really did enjoy my time and all I did learn from the kink scene and still plan continuing to do animal roleplay, but it is time for me personally to focus in other pursuits that better meet with my needs and make me feel more authentic.

[theangrylionshark]

The Amazing Atheist’s Youtube video

If anyone is still wondering why Tumblr is problematic…here’s why: The Amazing Atheist

Yes, a Youtube user most people don’t know or care about is apparently planning to make a video about how ridiculous we are. Why does this point out that Tumblr’s otherkin community is problematic and ridiculous? Because he has gotten his information about who we are what we believe…from Tumblr. He’s says as much in the video I linked.

If he does make this video taking examples of “otherkin” just to make fun of them, that only further impedes people’s ability to get help for species dysphoria. It further prevents species identity from becoming a studied phenomenon and will lead to fewer and fewer medical professionals (in mental health or otherwise) taking species identity seriously. This in turn means that those who require some help in dealing with their identity will be less likely to get it.

It could also lead to mass trolling of not only Tumblr, but forums…making our ability to take part in our own community harder. For those of us, like myself, who are bored with trolls…we’ll deal with it and the trolls will eventually get bored and leave. For younger folks who can’t deal with it, might by triggered by it, etc. it could lead to some not so pleasant consequences.

What can we do about it? Well, not much. Tumblr is a public website. If you fear that your posts will be used on this video, then save them and take them down because I doubt this asshole will edit out names. If you are one of the people using our identity as a fad. Stop. Seriously. You wouldn’t use gender identity as a fad, so why the ever-loving fuck do you think species identity should be used and abused as the ‘label of the month’? We can correct misinformation and perpetuate the appropriate information. We can also present ourselves as logically and rationally as possible.

Maybe, just maybe, if we become less ridiculous we’ll be less of a target. If we can get these kids who are fluffing all over the place to use that mass of grey tissue in their skulls as if they’re the product of billions of years of evolution, perhaps misinformed people with nothing more to do with their pathetic little lives than make Youtube videos mocking other people will learn something. Maybe they’ll have one less target.

So let’s all work together to make the Tumblr otherkin community less, well, shitty. Because this guy has gotten all of his information from here…and you know who you are if you watch this guy’s video and either get offended or think he’s talking to you.

[galaxiesinhand]

Reblog if you like tea.

Any kind. Hot. Cold. White. Green. Black. Rooibos. Herbal. Oolong. Sweet. Unsweet. With Milk. Without. Tea is great.

[namihatfield]

More than marriage

While marriage equality means a great deal to me especially as a lesbian women, it is important to recognize that as a transgender community we are not free and that this effort for marriage equality has largely come at the expenses of transgender and other queer communities lives. Many of my trans sibling remain in poverty without health care, support, homes, opportunity or the love they deserve. To them marriage is largely meaningless when faced with the daily issues such as depress, risk of murder, the risk of being fire at a job, being disowned and a lack of medical care, just for living as their authentic self. The transgender community is owed so much more than marriage and is still waiting to collect.

[namihatfield]

On being a woman and gender binaries

One of the greatest and most complex challenges I face as a transgender woman is reconciling my desire to critique gender binaries and binary expression, and yet at the same time wanting to be seen as a woman. I want to continue to support my queer family and fight many aspects of binaries such as the gender binary, but at the same time I so desperately want to be seen and treated with the same respect any cisgender woman would and fit into that binary. I am aware that what it means to be a woman is different for everyone identifying as woman and many aspects of gender expression are socially constructed, making the binary often shallow. Despite this though it doesn’t change the fact though that it is important to me to uphold the identity of being a woman, and that it is an extremely important part of my identity.

I feel often as a woman that at best I am often treated liked a 2nd class or less woman in comparison to cisgender women, because I am transgender. It is a largely unspoken thing (at least in face to face), but many cisgender people seem to look down on transgender women as lesser or even fake women, which is difficult since women are often not treated well to begin with. Cisgender people often don’t seem to understand or care, that as transgender women I have many of the same basic needs as any cisgender woman would have. I want to loved, respected and to feel beautiful. Instead as transgender woman I am placed and compared to beauty standard that is unfair and unrealistic for cisgender women, and treated as lesser under that standard.

This is also only made more difficult with my sexuality as a lesbian woman. I have never had a cisgender partner or even a cisgender woman express any serious interest in me and many don’t treat me like they would another cisgender woman. Like many transgender lesbian, bisexual, and pansexual (etc.) women my partners have been exclusively transgender women. Ultimately this makes me feel as though I will never be respected as an equal by a cisgender LBQ women (despite being one) and it hurts like hell. I am already constantly battling the feelings that whatever I do I will never beautiful enough for myself and often have major body dysphoria, and this sort of treatment I receive only reinforces these feelings for me of personal inadequately. I hate having a penis, my body shape, my voice, etc. and these aspects are a constant reminder of how the gender binary hurts me as a woman.

At the same time though I want so badly to be seen in the traditional sense binary feminine beauty (as well as smart as hell). I am fighting so hard to change how being a woman is seen and defined, rather than rejecting the label of being a woman all together. It hurts so much, because it is so important and valuable to me to be a woman. Part of how I want to be seen and why transition was so important to me was to be seen as my authentic self. Many transgender people (rightfully so) want to dismantle the binary aspects of society that make them feel so isolated and ostracized, and that challenges their right to be themselves selves. I often, however, find myself feeling uncomfortable in such spaces because who I am just so happens to fits so much into the binary role of woman.

It is hard for a lot for many people who oppose gender binaries to understand that for me despite the discomfort, who I am really does happens to fall mostly into this women binary category. I realize and understand the point that people move beyond labels, but I do find that being seen and treated as a woman really is important to me. While I transitioned to be myself, that self happens to be a woman who just so happens to enjoys things like wearing “femme,” dresses and skirts, rather than challenging binary expression or having a more complex gender identity. I want to be able to be me without being accused of “overcompensating,” or trying to “fit in,” which is often difficult around those who are determined to dismantle all aspects of the binary view of women and men.

This leaves me feeling unwelcome in many queer spaces, feeling as though I am placed within an unfair binary of my own where I am either supposed to be entirely for or against gender binaries systems. I often feel like I have no room or place as a transgender woman to engage in a more nuanced dialogue why being a woman is important to me, while at the same time talking about the issues binaries create for how I am defined and misdefined. One thing I have heard from one of my closest mentors that has struck me was being told and reminded frequently, that our community is diverse and that there is no wrong way to be transgender. I feel like the door should be open to all sorts of gender identities, including ones like mine that do happen to fall into binaries.

[namihatfield]

Growing up is difficult

Yesterdays Trans Pride Los Angeles was a bitter sweet moment for me. I loved the event, the outstanding variety show and hearing Sandy Stone and Kate Bornstien talk. It was a amazing to time with my girlfriend, and seeing so many of my great friends. It is also a reminder as one of my friends mentioned to me of growing up as a person.

The biggest challenge of the day was learning to deal with the beginning the huge process of growing up and to say goodbye. A lot of pride I was thinking about what I want to do with my life, and where it was going. I want to do so much, but getting my foot in the door so I can do this is a a real challenge. I often felt inadequate around so many amazing people. It was very important to remind myself that I have done so many great things, have made so many wonderful friends, and have my communities support. This was also one of the last times I will see my current girlfriend for a long time. It is hard not to be hurt, even though I know she is going to Portland to experience life, and to a place that is loving and supportive. I didn’t know (perhaps foolishly) that I would miss her so much, and that it would be this hard to say goodbye. I knew she was leaving soon, but it still breaks my heart to say goodbye and it is hard to have fun in the face of such sorrow.

[namihatfield]

We (the transgender community) are not free

It is important to keep in mind if you are a cisgender person that transgender people often lack a number of  privileges and basic freedoms. Cisgender people have a degree of freedom have that transgender people don’t and it is important to be aware of this and change it. This topic comes to mind after I finally felt safe and emotionally ready to go swimming in my parents pool for the first time in over ten years. Often it is unsafe emotionally (from things such as dysphoria) and physically (from physical and emotional violence) as a transgender person to even think about going swimming both on external and internal level. While I continue to feel unsafe outside of a private family space and won’t go swimming in a public space, this was a major milestone for me in self confidence. This goes beyond the swimming pool, however and effects my every day life and how I interact with the world. Every time I set foot out of the door I have to be aware of the environment around me and that I am putting myself at risk. It is isn’t a stretch to think that I could insulted, laughed at, misgendered, or even physically or sexually assaulted just for walking out the door as a transgender woman. There are a number of places I cannot go alone and I am constantly at risk just for being me. This includes a number of states and countries where being me is not accepted, respected or protected.

I am not free nor is the transgender community. My siblings are constantly at risk and literally fighting for our lives. It is important to be aware of this and do what you can to make the world that much safer. It is because the transgender community is so often thrown under the bus and ignored that we have environments that are so unsafe. We can and need to take steps so that we as a society can overcome this oppression of transgender individuals. Until this happens my community and I will never feel safe and will never be free.

[namihatfield]

When it is best not to speak

It is so hard to change the world. It is filled with so many problems and it is extremely important to do what we can to make it a better place. It is important, however to realize when it is appropriate speak and when letting others speak is the best practice. It is extremely important to not speak for another community, especially if that community is under-represented or often oppressed. It is very frustrating, insulting and demeaning to these communities to have someone speak for them. When you are part of a under-represented community when someone outside of community does this comes it comes off as if you are being treated as though you can’t speak for yourself and as though your communities experiences are not of value. As a transgender woman perhaps the most common instance and example of this I can point out of this is when gay cisgender men speak for transgender people, especially in the case of transgender women. This is particularly common when debating transgender representation or the appropriateness of language such as the word tr*nny where transgender voices will ignore often be ignored or treated with contempt. These gay men don’t seem to respect that these issues and what is considered transphobia is determined by the TRANSGENDER community, and that they and all other cisgender people have no place or say in these matters. This is true in a lot of other communities, however where a dominant group tries to speak for an under-represented and oppressed group. It is just as important to understand that speaking over community voices is just as damaging as, not speaking up when communities need support. It can be hard to not have a opinion, but remember it is important to recognize that under-represented communities have unique experiences that should be respected.

[namihatfield]

Quick Update

Well it has been a long journey with blood, sweat and tears, but I am finally finishing grad school at UCLA. A lot of things including my relationships and future are up in the air, but I still made it. I’m glad I can start posting again, and that I am graduating with a master’s degree. I realize it is quite a privilege as well as a accomplishment as a transgender woman to be getting my master’s degree at one of the top tier Library and Information Science schools in the nation. I intend to use this degree to continue helping my community and making a difference in this world. On to the next journey of finding work and living life, scary, exciting, sad, and yet triumphant are just a few of my feelings right now O>O

[namihatfield]

[namihatfield]

[namihatfield]

[namihatfield]

What are your thoughts on the idea that people who don't identify as cis perpetually victimize themselves through their language?

Cisgender and transgender are labels, just as imperfect as any label. I feel like it isn't up to the cisgender community to define the power of language, especially when cisgender privilege is a very real thing. As for transgender and other oppressed communities it is up to the individuals in that community to identify the way that they want to. I don't like words like the T-word or N-word but it isn't my place to define or judge how others percieve and label themselves.

[earthenhart]

*Because there are a lot of variations explaining what it is, and passersby in the tag might need to see this.

1. Bestiality; engaging in sexual behaviors with nonhuman animals is not a part of therianthropy.

2. Furry Fandom; being a fan of anthropomorphic animal characters, fursuiting, or...

[namihatfield]

Reboot

I know that a lot of my posts can come off as angry, depressing, and negative, and they to extent should. No one should have to go through what I have had to go through, and as a transgender lesbian who identifies as otherkin my communities deserves so much better. That being said I feel like my life has really gotten back on track. The summer break has helped me realize that though there are many things that won't change right away and that I cannot change that I am doing my best and that I should enjoy life rather then being everywhere at once, and in a constant state of anger and sadness. I have a lovely new girlfriend and have planned out a plan of attack for next year and surgery. I'm sorry for not having posted for such a long time, but I am finally at the point where I have the time and energy to really post again. I love everyone who has been their for me and together we can change the world for the better.

[2dtransgirlcaptions]

[dapper-punk]

Darker Than Black 

[cylindricaldog]

REPRESENTATION IS IMPORTANT

[namihatfield]

Dear TERF's part 2

You support the oppression of a group of women due to a un-natural fear and hatred of transgender individuals and their bodies. What you often list as gender is merely gender expression, which totally denies gender identities existence and is only a small part of gender. Your groups and many others of your ilk are also trying to create a conformist body policing culture not interested in the advancement of women, but interested in the advancement of the self at the expense of others, including transgender women and women of colour who are the least supported within the transgender community.A huge part of the oppression you keep talking as though I am unaware of it, includes my transgender sisters, people who you and your cronies have callously abandon on the street and have no interest in helping. These are people who have no support, been thrown out of the their families, who are raped, and often must take up sex work to survive. To claim they are not just as entitled to the same human rights, opportunities and protections as yourself is selfish and cowardly. You dance around these points and laugh at the suffering of others when it is suggested that they deserve the same opportunities as other women, I truly pity you and your inability to see transgender women as women.