RAW

[nancysulligan]

More to lose

I always thought we had more to lose. When I asked my dad if we could beat it he said we could so long as we were a united front. But as time went on I realized that wasn't the case.

Its not really about what did or didn't happen its when the lack of action signified.

I can only ask you to do what's right to me so many times. I needed someone to stand up for me.

[nancysulligan]

Hard feelings pt.1

4 years.

And I don't know what I have to really show for it but a lot of hard feelings. Complex thoughts. Harsh realizations.

I always knew love wasn't enough to make a relationship work. I knew it also needed some grit and fight.

I think that throughout the last 4 years i clung so passionately to you. I gripped you so tightly, knuckles white for 4 years. I knew nothing about your world, and i made my mission to make it mine.

I put you at the tip top of my list. Always every day for these 4 years. But when it was time for you to speak up for me. You couldn't. And i think that everything i did for us just came rushing at me but also in slow motion. i can't explain it to others i struggle to grasp the gravity of whats happened, or i guess what did not happen.

Every week, I wondered how could I make sure to keep you. It was self imposed i know but there nonetheless. I love you at a cellular level. I would die for you, i would stand by you, i would fall for you. But you couldn't. And i think as im writting here reflecting on what's happen that was ultimately led to me retreating into myself.

The thing is I don't recognize myself now. Because i never second guessed fighting for you. I never second guessed prioritizing you. I never second guessed putting you first. It came naturally to me, almost too easy.

But with some thought and reflection I've come to realize that you couldn't quite show up the way I needed you to, When I needed you to.

Today I don't feel the fight I always did. To defend you, to uphold you. I don't feel the protectiveness I that once guided me in my decisions.

[nancysulligan]

fallen

feels like ive fallen so far behind but im still in the race and as such i have to try. i owe myself that much. in a year i can be in totally different space. a year gives me a lot of time to work on the things i want to work on. i can do it. and not leave myself behind.

what are things i would like for myself outside of law:

being an organized person

paying off debt : being financially responsible

building self confidence

looks maxing while i can lol

[blair-kamo]

˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

Pov it’s getting late and you’re always staying up hours later than you mean to so you say these with me:

My day is over whenever I decide.

I am choosing peace over punishment

I am choosing seeds of self-care, -love, and -discipline, over self-abandonment.

I am making better, stronger choices every day—and it shows

I survived another day and my body and mind deserve rest, no matter what it takes.

It can be difficult, but I am still doing everything I can to make that happen.

I am showing up for myself right now by taking deep breaths

[inhale for four/exhale for six, x3]

I have done enough today.

Some days I will do more, some days I will do less. But today, it was enough.

I am ready (or almost ready) to go to bed and get some good, well-deserved rest.

[sydneylynncarlson]

[nancysulligan]

Im not back im better

Recently had a sort of awakening I would say. I'm lucky those around me care enough to be honest with me particularly my partner.. it was tough to hear and in someways physically painful. but if feel like when you hit rock bottom, the comforting thing about it is you can only go up. thats how its felt since then. i realized i slipped... i slipped into mega average person behaviour. something ive avoided like the plague since i was born. but yet this is what i became. average and honestly a disappointment to all versions of myself.

so what do i do know? i face it. that is the only thing i can do. i want to stay alive and i want to survive. im facing all the things i realized about myself : i became this lazy, lazy lazy excuse of a human.

the quote i've been hanging onto is : to the most with what you currently have. thats all you can do.

that is what im going to do.

i won't let you down.

[sverate]

[desultory-suggestions]

Pay attention to what makes you feel on edge. If you’re feeling angry try to stop and assess what is triggering that anger. It doesn’t have to make sense. Is the sound of shoes squeaking on the floor grating? Is the way someone is asking you for something upsetting even if the ask isn’t? Understanding what is bothering us is the first step to diffusing our anger.

[nancysulligan]

salt streams out my eyes and in to my ears

every single thing i touch becomes sick with sadness

[itwascoolbackthen]

[grungepen]

[s0cioplath]

should i k*ll myself or have a cup of coffee?

[valiumbehaviour]

scary movie (2000)

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Sometimes we wait for something to be perfect or we call us perfectionists, but in reality we are just fearing being judged, failing, feeling not at ease or been perceived as not good enough (very likely cause in your childhood or past, we had to overwork or do something "special" in order to be praised by our caregivers or authority figures -in school too). So yeah, more often than not perfectionism is a mask: a sign of insecurity, a search for external validation about things we actually don't ever feel satisfied about (and therefore unsafe). And this need only creates an endless cycle of uneasiness, or better, feeling threatened in our nervous system.

Perfectionism wants us to believe we actually hold control of something that in reality we cannot control: others' judgement (which often doesn't even depends on us directly). And this constant threat and need to be better and to push harder, only produces even more distress in our mind and body too, all of which may create space for some chronic conditions as well.

The only way to fight with this, is to accept that nobody is really perfect, that we're all our own type of perfect and no matter what standards we set to achieve, not everyone will like us anyway. So, next time we try to get more from ourself and wait for things to be really perfect (like 200% perfect), never really taking a leap because we're not secure of the result, we may try to take a breath and find a compromise between what we can humanly do at this time and the standards we want to achieve (which we may even reach one day with practice -trying more and failing more-, time, patience... who knows).

Remember that sometimes being messy, imperfect but true to ourselves, accepting and acknowledging our limits and knowing we've done our best anyway, is the first step to self awareness and to help ourselves ease the effects that that continue search for a fake perfection produces in us.

[n5fw]

[nancysulligan]

Failure

I want to know how it feels to no longer be plagued by feelings of powerlessness over my future. I want to know that eventually somehow I will be okay. Because I am really trying my hardest, putting my best foot forward and its just really hard out here.

Im feeling depressed recently and I just always want to cry when i think of how I got myself in the position I am now. What do I do with that? I have no clue but I know that I have this embedded resilience in me that has to be able to get me through this dark path.