seventeen years

"You're coming in your pants right now just looking at the sexy word that is my name." I'm Nash Hudson. I'm a lover and a fighter, a smoker, a fun time in bed, and uh. An expectant father. I'm going through a lot of shit right now, but hopefully it will sort itself out.

[nashadash]

I will never delete this blog.

[highnotesandbassclefs]

Visit Original Link

[nashadash]

Oh where do we begin? The rubble or our sins?

[jessest-fame]

Ouch.

[nashadash]

Sorry, I tell it how it is, bro.

[nashadash]

Watching Dogma.

[justlikeapuckerman]

It's been a rough couple of months. [Private]

[justlikeapuckerman]

Doesn’t matter to me. If you wanna come over, I can order pizza.

[nashadash]

Pizza sounds good.

[justlikeapuckerman]

It's been a rough couple of months. [Private]

[justlikeapuckerman]

If there wasn’t snow on the ground and it wasn’t like… 18 degrees outside and there wasn’t any school tomorrow, I’d say let’s just drive somewhere, but… yeah. You just got back and frankly, neither one of us needs to be going to the hospital for frost bite or pneumonia.

But we can still do the other shit, though, okay? We’ll stuff our faces and smoke until our lungs hurt and just lie in bed and pretend all the shit on the other side of the door doesn’t exist for now.

And whenever you wanna talk about this stuff, we’ll talk, alright? Tomorrow, next week. Whenever.

[nashadash]

As usual, you're the best. The absolute best.

... Your place or mine?

[justlikeapuckerman]

It's been a rough couple of months. [Private]

[justlikeapuckerman]

Look, I can see what you’re trying to do and I’m gonna tell you right now it ain’t gonna work, so if you keep trying to make me hate you or whatever, I will actually get pissed and punch you.

Dude, I’m not saying I’m proud of you for doing the shit you did because I’m not. I’m telling you I’m proud of you for having enough fucking common sense to go get the hlep you needed. Yeah, it sucked not having you around for months and sure, it caused you to miss your kid’s birth and that’s shitty, but it’s not inexcusable. I mean, you were in fucking rehab, not off partying and doing the conga somewhere. You were trying to get better, and you did get better.

And just… fucking ignore everything that comes out of Santana’s mouth, okay? She’s never liked you so she’s going to take every opportunity she can to tear you down, but don’t fucking listen to her. She’s not exactly saintly and she’s definitely not in a place to be judging people for anything. I mean, just because her grandma eats Xanax like they’re M & M’s and drinks liquor like it’s water and can still “function” doesn’t mean everyone else can. You had to do what was good for you and everyone you care about. If she can’t understand that, then maybe she needs to step down from her fucking pedestal before I knock her down.

No. I don’t resent you, okay? I don’t hate you. I don’t want you to fall into a bottomless pit. None of that shit. I mean, I know I’m an asshole, but I’m not that mean. Yes, you fucked up. But everyone fucks up. Just ‘cause you made a stupid mistake doesn’t mean I’m gonna hate you or not want you around anymore.

[nashadash]

Okay.

Okay, so... You don't hate me. I guess... I guess I'll take that as a win.

... Listen, do you just want to... I don't know, grab some Dominos and smoke a pack of cigarettes and just pretend for a while like we're normal dumb teenagers that don't have a world of issues to deal with?

'Cuz honestly, I'm just... Emotionally exhausted. And I missed that.

And we can deal with all of this tomorrow morning? Talk and feel and shit, get together some sort of plan, maybe talk about school or jobs or babies or whatever, get our shit together... But tonight, that's all I need. You, me, Marlboros, and a mattress. Maybe in the middle of nowhere. 

I missed camping out in that truck.

Weirdly comfy, sleeping on blankets and metal.

[justlikeapuckerman]

It's been a rough couple of months. [Private]

[justlikeapuckerman]

Well, I’m no therapist or whatever, so I can’t tell you how you did it. But I do know one thing. You’re a strong-willed stubborn jackass with a big heart and I think it was just you not wanting to lose everything that pulled you through it. I mean, it takes balls to willing go and get help of any kind. The fact you did it… Yeah, it sucked not having you around because there were times where I really just needed you there with me, but you had to do what was going to help you and you did. And… I’m really fucking proud, Nash. I’m proud of you.

[nashadash]

I'm uh... I'm honestly not proud. I'm not proud at all.

I'll never use again. I'll never buy, I'll never even look at the stuff. I just can't believe I was away from you for months, and away from my daughter for... Well, her birth.

That's inexcusable, alright?

I almost want you to be pissed at me. I want you to like, scream at me and call me an idiot and, I don't know...

You're too nice. Santana was right. I should have just put on a big boy bandaid and soldiered through it. I just, I can't even understand why you would still talk to me, let alone... Be amazing about everything.

Jesus...

How the hell do you still... You know...

Like, I can't even look at myself. ... And you still want to keep me around? Why? I get that we had a good thing going, that we were figuring things out, but... It still doesn't add up for me. I just, I can't wrap my mind around it.

I did all of this shit. This was all me. The baby fiasco, the drugs, the abandonment, the single-mother bullshittery that was going on when I was gone, leaving you... All thanks to me. And you don't feel any resentment?

Listen... I'm not worth all of that. Nobody is.

I just... I don't get it. I don't understand.

[justlikeapuckerman]

It's been a rough couple of months. [Private]

[justlikeapuckerman]

I bet. I kind of missed you like crazy, y’know.

[nashadash]

I don't honestly know how I survived in there. I... I don't know how I did it. I don't know how I went one week without... You. Everything. All of it.

[eliseberries]

Whatever you say.

[jessest-fame]

How much do comedians even make? Unless I’m going to become the next Jim Carrey or Will Ferrell, I don’t think I’m really going to make enough money to live comfortably.

[nashadash]

That, and Jesse's about as funny as Kristen Stewart.

[justlikeapuckerman]

It's been a rough couple of months.

[justlikeapuckerman]

Yeah. You know what I meant.

It’s good to have you back, though, babe.

[nashadash]

Good to be back.

[zoeeprice]

Nothing like spending the night in.

Watching really bad scary movies and nursing a hangover. Be jealous.

[nashadash]

I am jealous. 

I haven't hung with you in like, ten years, brah. What's with that?

[justlikeapuckerman]

It's been a rough couple of months.

Kind of nice to actually have shit getting back to normal.

[nashadash]

Well, some kind of version of normal.

[nashadash]

Happy Valentines Day, babe.

Cheesy day to say something about it, but you've really been with me through it all, and I really appreciate it. I got really lucky when I found you.

No punchline. That's it. :)

[nashadash]

When were you happiest/saddest?

Happiest? When I saw Abi's face.

Saddest? ... That's harder to trace. I'm not sure. Probably in 2012. Back when I went to the hospital the first time.

[nashadash]

are you/have you ever been in love?

Yeah. I have.

[nashadash]

Most embarrassing thing about you

I'm a ballet-boy. Yeah, bitches, I took ballet up until I was twelve (obviously in secret; that shit isn't cool in the slightest). I pirouetted that shit so hard that I was elected as the best male performer in my class.