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APRIL FOOLS! As we all know by now (in our imaginations which we have now chosen to live in forever and ever until we die) the How I Met Your Mother ending shown was just a joke. Totally. I have my hand on the real script! I swear. and here it is...
INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM.
TED
Well?
BARNEY
It was crazy in there but... I threw up and now I feel better.
MARSHALL
Where were you?
BARNEY
In the can. I knew I was gonna urp, so I put this on over my suit. Number 31 won't let me in the delivery room.
LILY
We're gonna need a name eventually.
BARNEY
You guys already know the name. You've always known the name.
LILY
What?
NURSE
Mr. Stinson?
BARNEY
Yes?
NURSE
Congratulations.
LILY
Barney, who is it?
BARNEY
Congratulations... because the blood test came back and I'm not the father?! Happy not a Father's Day!
NURSE
No! Congratulations. It's a girl. Would you like to meet her?
BARNEY
Nah, I'm good.
LILY
Oh, just go meet your daughter!
INT. HOSPITAL NURSERY.
NURSE
Mr. Stinson, this is Ellie.
BARNEY steps closer to his daughter, taking her from the NURSE's arms. He stares at her in disbelief.
NURSE
I'll give you guys a minute.
BARNEY stares at his daughter and smiles, his eyes filling with tears.
BARNEY
You are the love of my life. Everything I have... And everything I am... Is yours. Forever.
INT. TED'S CHICAGO HOUSE.
TED
And Kids, I'm pretty sure that was the first time in Barney's life that- I forgot about number 31! Oh my god kids, lets go back to Barney coming back into the waiting room.
PENNY
Dad! We already know who 31 is. It's not much of a mystery considering they live two blocks away and we see them nearly every day of our lives.
TED
Hey, come on. You've listened this far. Just bare with me!
PENNY
But we see Ellie all the time! She was over last night.
TED
Penny! Listen-
PENNY
We don't need to. We already know Number 31 is-
INT. HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM.
BARNEY
Robin?
BARNEY enters the room with the NURSE pushing the baby in the bed. BARNEY stops and looks over at the hospital bed, smiling. He picks up ELLIE and walks over to the bed.
ROBIN
Hey Barney.
BARNEY leans over and kisses ROBIN on the forehead, they both laugh and stare at ELLIE, planning the rest of their lives together in their heads and at the same time, feeling completely clueless about what lies ahead.
INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM.
BARNEY enters and the group stand up to meet him.
BARNEY
I think Number 31 wants to see you.
TED
Barney...
BARNEY
Ted, please. Trust me. You guys want to come and see Numbe-
MARSHALL
Robin.
BARNEY
What? You-
MARSHALL
Barney, we know it's Robin. It's always been Robin.
BARNEY
They said it was so rare they couldn't believe it. We knew Robin couldn't get pregnant, which of course meant we used no condoms.
BARNEY lifts his arm towards MARSHALL, then towards TED.
BARNEY
Best sex ever five?
TED
Barney! We know! we know this isn't what you ever wanted and the chances of it happening were so low that it feels like life really let you down. But you have a daughter now! That means you just have to-
BARNEY
Ted... I have a daughter now. She's called Ellie. Please, come meet her.
EXT. TED'S CHICAGO HOUSE. DAY.
MARSHALL and LILY walk up to TED and they hug.
TED
This is so great! I can't believe this is happening you guys.
MARSHALL
It's pretty surreal but I mean, at the same time it makes perfect sense.
LILY
We couldn't stay in that apartment forever. Especially not with the third baby on the way. We just didn't have the space. I am gonna miss that place though.
TED
Lily, I think we're all going to miss that place, but if you were going to move it only makes sense that you move here. Robin and Barney are literally a 5 minute walk away, you guys will be straight across the street. Our kids will grow up together. We will grow up... more, together. That's all we could ever ask for, right? Remember the porch test? I think Tracy and I, you two guys, Barney and Robin passed. I think we all passed.
INT. TED'S CHICAGO HOUSE.
LUKE
Dad, I think dinner is ready.
TED
No no, we've still got time.
TRACY's head pops in the door.
TRACY
Honey, stop boring the kids. Dinner is ready.
TED
Okay okay, wait. Can we just have five minutes? I just want to rap up the train station.
TRACY
You're telling them the story of us again?
TED
I don't tell them that often! Besides, our love story is super adorable! It should be told repeatedly.
TRACY
Kids, give him 5 minutes.
TED
I love you.
TRACY
I love you too poo bear.
TED
You know kids, your mother and you two. You've taught me to love in ways I never ever thought possible. I didn't think I could ever be this happy, I didn't think anybody could. All I can do is say thank you. Thank you to your mom, thank you to you kids, to Barney and Robin, to Lily, Marshall... Thank god, thank the universe... That I had the guts-
EXT. FARHAMPTON TRAIN PLATFORM. NIGHT
TED (V.O) CONT.
-to stand up, walk over to her, tap her on the shoulder, open my mouth and speak.
TED walks over to TRACY in the pouring rain.
TED
Excuse me. Hi.
TRACY
Hi!
TED
I'm the-
TRACY
Best man! Yeah! Get in here, get in here.
TED
Oh, thanks. Here, let me.
TED stands under TRACY's umbrella.
TRACY
Oh, okay. Thank you.
TED
Great show tonight.
TRACY
Oh, thank you.
TED
You're Cindy's ex roommate right?
TRACY
Yeah. And you are the professor. I took one of your classes.
TED
Really? Which one?
TRACY
Econ 305.
TED
Econ 305? I don't teach... Oh, no.
TRACY
Oh, yeah.
TED
Excuse me, I'm gonna jump onto the tracks now.
TRACY
No, no, no, don't. You were great. You were great!
TED realizes he is standing under the yellow umbrella.
TED
Wait a second. This is my umbrella! I left this umbrella at Cindy's. You totally stole my umbrella!
TRACY
(laughs)
What? No, I didn't. This is my umbrella, I bought this.
TED
Excuse me, it even has my initials on it right here. TM: Ted Mosby.
TRACY
Yeah, look again Ted Mosby. Those are my initials: T.M. Tracy McConnell
TED
Um, no Tracy McConnell. It's T.M. Totally my umbrella.
TRACY
Uh, you're T.M. Totally mistaken. Because this umbrella has always belonged T.M. To me. Although... I did lose it for a few years there. Um, so I went to this dance club-
TED
On St. Patricks Day.
TRACY
On St. Patricks Day.
TED
And you left it there.
TRACY
And I left it there.
TED
And you never thought you'd see it again.
TRACY
And I never thought I'd see it again... Funny how sometimes you just... Find things.
TED
Hi...
TRACY
(laughs)
Hi.
Fade out as TED talks to TRACY under the yellow umbrella, standing on the train station of Farhampton in the rain.
INT. TEDS CHICAGO HOUSE.
TED
And that kids, is how I met your mother.
LUKE and PENNY
We know!
LUKE, PENNY and TED stand up to walk out for dinner and TRACY is standing in the doorway.
TRACY
You know, apart from hearing about all the women you had sex with, which by the way is an odd part of the story to include while telling your kids, I don't think I'll ever tire of that.
TED
Aha! You never can tire of it because the story still isn't over.
LUKE and PENNY
Oh, come on!
TED
No no, I mean we are the story now. This is it. We're living it, and we always will be.
INT. TEDS CHICAGO HOUSE DINING ROOM.
TED, TRACY, BARNEY, ROBIN, MARSHALL and LILY sit around the table sharing a meal. They talk and laugh while eating. LUKE, PENNY, MARVIN and ELLIE, sit on the floor playing with the kids. TED looks around at everyone, so at home and comfortable.
TRACY
Ted? Ted?
TED
Huh? Sorry I was just taking this all in. Everyone here together. It's perfect.
(to TRACY) You're perfect.
LILY
Why don't we go sit outside while its still warm?
EXT. TEDS PORCH.
Everyone is sat on the porch happily. TED suddenly has a funny look on his face.
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