Indecision

Poems, Drawings, Words and Stories.

[natsu-yan-blog]

Behold 21st Century

Welcome to our society Self-centered advocacy. Vain and shallow perspectives, Record, instead of helping. Discrimination trumps equality.

---- I saw this draft of a poem I made a year ago.. reading it now, is it really? I'm like "Gee younger-self, you're very melancholic. xD"

[natsu-yan-blog]

But I'm Here Now

When I look at you I get sad when I remember all the things you went through, Hiding all your pain and nobody knows, I picture you crying and suffering on your own, But then you temporarily shove it all away as you go out that bathroom door. At that time I wasn't present- because I too was part of those nobodies who didn't know. Who thought you were all smiles, all happiness, all fine. I couldn't see through your lie, But now I do, and it makes me want to punch myself remembering those moments I wasn't there for you. Those times where I was like everybody else, Who settled with your fake cheerful smile and was too deaf to hear your silent cries.

[natsu-yan-blog]

I know the cause. Now all that's left Is to find out how- How I could tell you, "Let's stop now" Whilst remembering That we were once perfect, And that you were my happiness.

[natsu-yan-blog]

Reminder to that one person

With a visible frown, I know what that means. Sad eyes cast down, Can only mean one thing, You have a problem I'm sure, And you don't want to talk about it too. You're gesture is unwelcoming, It's seems like you've forgotten Not everyone's an enemy, You have a friend like me, Ready to listen 24/7 to all your worries And give friendly hugs whenever you need it.

[natsu-yan-blog]

Empty Promises and Misplaced Apologies

That's all you ever gave me while I gave you everything. Maybe next time, definitely next time, surely next time. Since it's gonna be the same outcome, Excuses, empty promises, coincidence against my happiness, It all sounds the same to me now. I wonder why I still tried. I shook my head and sighed, "You're an idiot, that's why." Sorry you're busy? Shouldn't you be apologizing for still stringing me along while you knew you didn't want to be with me anymore? My lost time, exhausted heart and evanescend hope, Shouldn't you take responsibility for what you've done to my soul? Was it that hard to freaking say no or at least break it off ten months ago, Instead of giving me false expectations when you're always saying half meant apologies in your calls? Because if only you did, it should've saved us a whole lot of unnecessary trouble And my lifelong dreams before we even met, I shouldn't have let go. What should I do now then? You were the only one I have left, Unkonwingly I lost you as well, long before I even aware that it could happen. I thought breaking it off would return whatever I lost but I was wrong, You took everything that I am besides being yours and now that your gone, Nothing remained and I'm all alone.

[natsu-yan-blog]

Mandatory Compass

Follow your dreams, don’t care what everyone says? In my case it will never be that simple. Especially from a family with certain expectations, And bound to responsibilities I have to fulfill, I can’t not think of what they’ll think, Because choosing my own road will be equivalent to I never cared for them at all, And I really f cking do, That’s why I’m travelling the road they wanted me to, Never letting them know about the roadmap of dreams I tossed in the trashcan, Smiling as if an essential part of me wasn’t even gone.

[natsu-yan-blog]

Just because it isn't the right time doesn't make it any less real and just because it's sincere doesn't mean you should act on it.

Knowing this, what in the world should I do? C'mon, this unanswered question is hindering me from writing about other things like the cozy park I recently found or the explosive colors of sunset crashing with the sea. Answer me. 😠

[natsu-yan-blog]

What do I do with what's left?

In this game of uncertainty, Time is our hardest enemy More than our own thoughts, More than getting caught. Because if you weren't such a coward, And if I wasn't so unbelievably ignorant, Then liking you now won't feel like such a crime, And we wouldn't have wasted so much valuable time. Then again we weren't the type to rush, And we didn't believe in sentimental gush. You and I never thought we'd fall in this predicament, 'Cause we had enough confidence in our skeptic selves Ha, the irony. Gazes that went nowhere and dillydallying, We took our damn time doing everything else besides acting out on our feelings, Now the clock's ticking fast right when we desperately wanted it to stop, 'Cause what we have left isn't enough.

[natsu-yan-blog]

By holding on, I worry that maybe this route will lead us to more pain and hurt than when we were each other's no one.

Before I give my heart away

[natsu-yan-blog]

Code of Ethics

Tell me where I'm wrong and I'll apologize and if necessary I'll even take action. Isn't it that simple? I don't get why you had to involve other people. Gossiping and making things out of proportion, Are you even a man? Honestly it's quite laughable. I bet you excluded the part where I owned up and apologized, Just so you could emphasize your point on how people like me are so despicable. If you still have a problem with me then let's settle this face to face, Enlighten me exactly why you weren't over such a small teensy thing. And don't you dare preach to me about the code of ethics, When even you don't uphold whatever's on it. Hypocrite.

[natsu-yan-blog]

Mom: Love you, you should rest too, you have classes tomorrow.

Just message me if you need any help.

Take care of yourself too.

Me: Okay, I still have to review.

Mom: Just 'til 10 pm okay? So your brain could rest.

I appreciate your effort in doing your best. Keep it up!

Me: *thumbs up*

(In my mind: Arrggh I'm mentally slapping myself right now! Stop praising me so much mom! If you only knew how much I procrastinated this past few days! I'm basically cramming right now. I don't deserve to be praised. 😣😣😣)

[natsu-yan-blog]

Unsent Letter and Thoughts

I'm really sorry that I am the way I am, I can't help it, it's my first response. Without filter I say whatever is on my mind, I don't take things too seriously, And I joke around mindlessly. I'm aware that you find me irritating, And you think just because I'm younger I should accept everything you throw at me, Even if I can prove that you guys are so wrong. Too proud to admit defeat to a child, You hit me instead, out of anger and humiliation. I know my way of speaking wasn't of your taste, But what did you expect from an immature kid? And aren't you an adult? How could you? Shouldn't you have approached the situation differently instead of doing the things you did? Then again, if defending the things I care about and calling out on your mistakes are so wrong just because you're older then I'm so freaking sorry.

[natsu-yan-blog]

Look into my eyes and tell me you chose him. Add in a genuine smile to make it more convincing. Tell him the three simple yet complex words I always pined for but never received. Maybe those actions could do what moving to another country away from you didn't do for me.

This is as close as I could admit to what I don't want to deny anymore. --- (-_-;) I'm currently busy with a lot of academic things and it drains my creative energy.

[natsu-yan-blog]

Predestined Course

Once upon a time, When I was a kid, I dreamed a lot of dreams, Bewildered with all the possibilities. With dedication and hard work I knew that I could achieve anything, Always so sure of myself, Never thinking negatively. Then after a while, I became a teenager. I realized I believed in lies, And my limits are lower than the sky. Day by day I try to reach out, But it just goes farther away, It was my only hope, Now it goes down the drain. Time went by, I am now a young adult, I never forgot the dreams I envisioned, But I am not chasing after them anymore, Because my mind has matured, And what it tells me to do Is accept my fate, maybe it's my vocation, "You've come this far, isn't it time to welcome your profession?"

[natsu-yan-blog]

You even occupied my craft

My poetry revolves on everything that you are, even my stories, And my left hand only has inspiration to draw you smiling. The strings of my violin plays all your favorite songs, My worn guitar gives chords to all our conversations. And with that, I sing and write and draw and play, Everything equivalent to all I didn’t know how to say.

[natsu-yan-blog]

Writing doesn't help right now.

You took the words out of me. My fingers always itched to make poems, Now it's on hold. Because you occupied everything. Even my craft. In whatever I write you'll inevitably pop up. And I'm trying to make it stop. My thoughts are already filled with you, Now you're in control of my fingers too? --- It's not that I don't like the fact that you're the center of my every poem, believe me, the very thought of you makes me smile, but our situation right now is a tangled freaking mess and I have to keep my sanity checked.

[natsu-yan-blog]

Hi, I'm just an ordinary repair guy. You can give me your broken heart and I'll put it back together(though it might take some time).

Disclaimer: Signs of imperfections will still be etched in your newly repaired heart, that's because you can't go back to having a scrapeless fragile one which is easily breakable and inexperienced. Sure, it won't be as good as new but will still be as unique and beautiful. Don't be ashamed that it broke, 'cause later it will be your proof that you learned, that you're stronger and that you've matured and still carrying on with life even with a heart with battle scars.