changes
well i don't know where to start. It's been years since i looked at this but not i think its time to make a come back. So many things have changed and i have never felt more lost so i need something that is familiar. i also think that if i don't let some of these thoughts out they are going to eat me alive. i know i have friends and lots of people who care about me but the idea of saying these things out loud to them is terrifying. but here maybe no one will see it our maybe someone will. less pressure i guess? no one to hurt out right? just the vastness of the internet. well lets re cap i guess
i got married in 2019, in a snow storm, at city hall, to someone who i thought i was going to spend my life with. now its the last day of 2023, he moved out in may and now is half way across the world for work. i am still in shock that this is my life. i wish i could pin point what went wrong but i can't. all can think of is that i changed. the things i wanted changed, who i was changed, how i related to him changed, and then just kind of fell apart. so now i sit in my basement alone listening to my dog snore as i type this out.
its been a tough year for sure. trying to figure out what to do now and where i am going. all of that is hard enough but once my depression kicks up its takes all i've got just to go to work and walk the dog. forget doing anything else. like being social, or taking care of myself. I want to i really do. I want to be healthy and eat better and work out. but i honestly just can't. they say fake it till you make it but all i have ever done is fake it and i don't know how much longer i can. i need something to shift. maybe this will help. just blurting out the nonsense in my head.
I should add it's not all bad. work is really great and i have gotten to do some pretty cool gigs and some fun traveling. met some great people that i've gotten to learn form and grow. My friends are excellent as ever, and even thought the groups are always changing they are still good. Family is probably the best it's ever been. I think not living at home has really helped with that. when you are trapped in the same house as people you are too similar too it becomes a war zone haha.
I just need to figure out where i go now. how to i move forward. how do i actually start liking myself or what do i need to do to get there. how do i find someone who also wants me and not just something from me. I think that is the hardest part right now. the feeling of just being used. mostly for my body. what about someone who actually just likes to sit and do nothing with me. who will watch movie after movie on a Saturday. someone who even when they are busy still lets me know they are at least thinking about me. I want to be looked after for once. I am exhausted from looking after other people.
i think thats all i've got for this new years eve. no magical midnight moment tonight, probably just singing pop punk songs at the top of my lungs with some great humans who have always just accepted me.
be safe
nat
