the sun will rise once again

eli / will post about anything that interests them / the bunny is mugi! (@mugi20180208 on twt and ig)

[galaxy-of-me]

hi, i love dynamics that r like “we make each other worse” on the surface but when u look deeper it is actually just “we understand each other on a level that no one else does and nudge each other out of our typical comfort zone” which just circles around to “we make each other better”. it’s abt the accidental growth just by being in each other’s lives. idk

[rt0no]

[rt0no]

[idledee]

i'll be your heart

[zulzinho-deactivated20231023]

Hm. Interesting thing about Dokja's psychology vs. fan interpretation is that the latter often portrays him as visibly depressed (+ anxious in some fics I've seen) but it's quite notable that he's... not?

Of course he is a pessimist due to the horrors of his childhood and subsequent estrangement from other human beings. He sees others as opportunists (projection) and thinks mankind is inherently selfish and abusive — because that is the kind of humans he grew up around. And while that's, of course, going to dampen someone's perspective of life — I don't believe that what he is suffering from is your typical major depression.

It's PTSD & the resulting symptom of dissociation. He basically hits all of the key symptoms characteristic of PTSD: memory issues; negative self-perception; distorted, redirected blame on others; lack of interest; estrangement from other people; dissociation; numbing of positive emotion; hyper vigilance; etc.

It has quite the overlap with major depression but there are some things characteristic of typical depression that he's lacking in. Though his self-perception is negative, it is not particularly self-deprecative. He views himself in the same light that he views others: incapable of good, selfish, opportunistic. But he does not view himself as incapable or worthless or a hindrance to others. In fact, his sense of self in that regard is quite high. All the ways in which he felt lacking (such as in the matter of his job) was circumstantial — this disappears into thin air when he is given an advantage.

And something more key to his character — he is motivated by the will to survive. I think this is often brushed over in a lot of fan portrayals, despite it being the backbone of ORV. He does not want to die nor disappear, he just wants a world he can make sense of when his childhood brought him nothing but chaos. From the very first chapter, he was fighting to survive. To keep his claws hooked in the meat of life because he had already gone through hell and he wasn't going to let the apocalypse stop him now. He's survived this far already. He is a survivor and will not let anyone — neither man nor god — take that from him.

(It is even worth noting that he seems to look down on Junghyeok for his own depression l — and sees the latter's desire to give up / end his life as something ridiculous at some points — because Dokja the Survivor cannot imagine wanting to throw it all away. Which is of course callous, and I would argue non-empathetic to the depression itself.)

Certainly I do think a lot of his symptoms are depression-adjacent — with the negative sense of self and the isolation and lack of interest — but I think if anything, those are either 1. coping mechanisms in vein of self-protection to a world that seems hostile & 2. the result of his childhood and subsequent trauma alienating him, rather than the root of the suffering. I think it's more so the fact that he literally does not know how to be a normal human and incorporate himself into the lives of others because he wasn't taught that growing up. The (literal) wall between him and others due to being hardened by abuse.

[headspace-hotel]

thinking about werewolves and the concept of becoming a monster and discovering that something savage and uncontrollable exists within you and the potential that has to be a liberating narrative about growth and change and courage rather than a story about controlling and concealing it

[headspace-hotel]

Being a werewolf is about shame. I think it’s also about anger, trauma, not belonging, and the fear that you might be unlovable.

The shame of being a werewolf has to be that you were bitten by the wolf, and you survived. You survived because you became the wolf yourself. You are this terrible, monstrous thing, and the terrible, monstrous thing is you. It’s the part of you that survives the attack, and it’s terrifying that this is you.

I feel like werewolves are people who are very hurt. Not only that, they’ve spent their lives up to this point trying as hard as they can being whatever the opposite of a werewolf is—something tame, something yielding, something that’s not angry and unpredictable and bestial. But the Wolf is also them. Because no matter how much you don’t believe it, you want to make it. You want to survive, and you will fight so that you will live.

Or werewolves are people who are incredibly afraid. It’s about the inevitability of not being lovable; being a monster is unforgivable. It’s about the inability to withstand anything that will happen to you. It’s about your body betraying you. It’s about carrying a terrible and ugly you inside you, locked up where no one can see it, because the thought of anyone else seeing that you is unbearable. It’s about all of those things and more.

I think the Wolf is the part of you that loves you, unconditionally. It’s the part of you that bites when something tries to hurt you. When something tries to put you back in the place you’re supposed to be. Of course it’s scary. It’s scary to find that you are impossibly strong and maybe selfish, and that your self-hatred isn’t enough to save you from the savage, stubborn knot of self-love you carry in your chest. But it’s also the answer to that question: What if I am awful? What if I am terrible, too terrible to look at, too terrible to love? What if you are a monster? Well, what then?

[altfire-archive]

[@carriefiisher]

[brightlotusmoon]

This also feels like a lovely analogy for disability in all forms.

[filmnoirsbian]

It's like. No I don't have a bad relationship with my father. Yes I love my father. No I do not know my father. Yes I have fond memories of my father. No I cannot remember ever knowing my father. Yes I know my father loves me. No my father has never said he loves me. Yes I am just like my father. No I am nothing like my father. Yes my father has taught me many things. No I have learned nothing from my father. Yes this man is my father. No I do not know this man.

[thestalwartheart]

I love it when people take fic writing seriously. I love when it's not 'Here's this dumb thing I wrote' and instead it's 'Here's this thing I put blood, sweat and tears into. Here's this thing I slaved away at, trying new writing techniques and editing over and over. Here's this dialogue that kept me awake at night. Here's this beautiful turn of phrase I thought up. Here's this thing that I wrote with vulnerability and heart, and I am proud to share it with you.'

[wizardcurse]

I should start posting franz kafka style diary quotes but it’s from my journal from when I was 11/12 and obsessed with naruto 

[wizardcurse]

—Saturday 02nd October, 2011. 8:45pm.

[nayeliveli]

can these bots leave me please ffs stop following this blog

[solisaureus]

came home drunk last night and got way too excited to see my cat

[dear-ao3]

[taahko]

i dont know exactly how to articulate this in a way other people havent but everything is too fast now. 24/7 news cycle, online focuses that last for hours instead of months or years, songs written just so ten seconds can go viral. movies and books churned out to meet some nebulous income quota. idk. im motion sick

[transjinako]

Classic issue between girls 

[27thfirefly]

oh, the things we invent when we are scared and want to be rescued.

[devxoid]

the epilogues destroyed me mentally and emotionally i am coping

[wizardmons-moved]

i think if u really want to make an orv modern au u can never clarify how kdj knows yjh. is he his internet friend? ex-husband? estranged childhood lover? just some guy he hates but also has a crush on? everyone needs to have a different idea of how they know each other thats also exactly the same. u cant come up with a new backstory for them without ruining the delicate balance of the original. like how do u beat ‘the fictional guy ive been following for over a decade and know everything about but dont understand at all’ vs ‘some guy who showed up one day told me he could solve all my problems and did but also gave me new ones’. u literally cant its impossible u dont understand them they cant have an equal relationship it has to be completely different on both sides despite the lack of a power imbalance. they cant know each other the same way and thats so difficult in a modern au. if u have kdj be some guy whos been following yjhs gamer career since forever then hes just a hardcore fan it takes away the ‘fictional character’ element and also the ‘how the fuck do u know me’ element. u cant do it u cant do it