Thoughts of a Nebbish Scot

[nebbishscot]

I'll see you when you get there

The weekend is upon me and the emotions are indescribable. Awful times lie ahead.

I’ll see you when you get there folks,

Nebbish Scot

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It's not my time

Yet…

Looking back on last night’s post I can relive the complete falling apart of my mind and heart as I posted in frustration, anger and upset. Life goes on so they say and I am away this weekend.

For most people a weekend away means excitement and joy. For myself and many others it means nerves and anxiety.

It is Morrissey though, which is my all time dream and I plan on NOT fucking it up for…

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[nebbishscot]

Is it wasted on me?

Everything. Freedom: the right to live freely and make personal choices.

Why do I fuck up everything so badly? Why can’t I just be sensible and rid myself of my damaging impulses. Why, when I’ve met a girl several times am I feeling so anxious about the possibility of seeing her again?

What exactly have I offered this world? What can I sit down at night and think to myself, “I’ve helped” or made…

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Not exactly judgement day

…But nor far from it

I really like this girl. Every time we meet it’s like it’s a signal we are meant to have fun and be with each other. I don’t mean on a permanent basis or anything but we just seem to click.

She is beautiful, she makes me confident and best of all she makes me laugh.

Tomorrow night is huge and I am bricking it. The negativity says nothing will come of it and I may not see her…

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I will no longer live a lie

“I’m a worthless fucking drug addict” were the words I used when I opened up about my problems. Valium has been a problem for too long and already, at 23 I am paying the price. Memory loss, the shakes, you name it: I don’t wish it on my worst enemy.

When one or two 10 mg tablets are taken for the first time I swear it is the best feeling ever.

Now my addiction worker has made me see that quitting…

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When I fall

Don’t catch me

Right from the off, this post may sound extremely negative but I wish to write and prove otherwise.

Having had a long hard think about my life last night I came up with a plan of sorts. I am now 100% honest with those I love and plan to continue that honesty.

However, as things may be stable right now, I know there will come a time when they are not okay and things will go pear…

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Tick, tock, tick, tock

Tick, tock, tick, tock

When it feels like the end is inevitable.

I came back from the pub to my room one night in the city while studying at University. I didn’t feel at all well. I had 1 Magners while on Citalopram and I instantly had an urge to end it.

Slamming the door shut was not an option; I quietly made my way into my room as to not disturb my boringly average flatmates. I looked around and considered how I…

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Nowhere to run and hide

A hard task.

Many of my actions have been shameful and I admit that I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I have the gift of a loving and forgiving family.

I can not runaway any more. There is nowhere I run off to and hide from the truth and the inevitable consequences will come my way. It’s about accepting that and dealing it with like an adult and not a petulant kid as I have done in the past.

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Survive!

When I think back on many of the things I have failed at in life I remember my old GP saying “you are surviving”. That itself is an achievement.

Although sometimes it felt like surviving was the opposite of what I wanted.

If you are in a bad way. Survive. Don’t do what I did. Ignore risks and survive as long as you possibly can.

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I miss her

My first attempt

She left without goodbye, 3 years ago

And the tears continue to this day

Love will pay

And I miss her every day

She was the one

And now I’m lost

The heart feels like a ton

I picture her smile

It makes me frown

When all I want to do is drown

Suicide has come and gone

And 3 years is too long

How long will it last?

When does the past stop haunting

Meeting a girl remains daunting

It’…

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Hands up: I was wrong

Denial is not the answer

I remember reading about the sheer amount of people who hate being diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and I can clearly see why. The term “Borderline” for starters. But also doctor’s views on it as something not as serious as manic depression or Bipolar and I think that what frustrates people.

There are so many familiarities.

In my bad times I not only deny…

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7 days

Progress

It was only last night that I was kicking myself. Asking myself how it came to this? Fuck. How did I manage to mess this up, what went wrong?

Today I made the effort to go to the Community mental health team (who as you know I’ve been sceptical of in the past) and it looks like I may just get the help I need by this time next week.

I just hope I can get through the next week relatively…

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Arduous Scot

Nebbish Arduous Scot “Bad memories console you”

I woke up a lot more positive today, right from the minute I got up I could tell things weren’t going to be as bad as the last couple of days and felt so much better for coming clean with my parents about everything. I then saw smoking matters and am trying to cut down on the snouts.

There’s no words that can really describe me as a person. No…

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The discussion

Truth is the way forward

No more bullshit to my family. I’ve let them down enough in my life and I’ve done some fucking awful things. Things that a son should never do to anyone, let alone their own family.

It was an upsetting conversation but I had to do it and I told the truth. Straight from the heart. It hurt like fuck but I did it. They know now what has been going on and they know the…

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The biggie

I may be in love

This girl I met a few weekends ago means a lot to me. So it was with great disappointment that nothing really came of it. I haven’t felt this way about someone since my ex in the city at University, yet they are completely different people.

Everyone I know goes away in the end but I feel like she is a keeper. She has similar issues. We can have fun, a laugh and talk things…

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Confidence revival

Mental health community

When I first started writing this blog many months ago I wasn’t sure what to expect. Part of me was obviously very nervous about writing about my personal experiences with depression and anxiety. Since then however, I have an outstandingly positive response – especially from the United States which is more great news for me.

I was always told to aim high and I am now…

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What will it take?

To survive

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