I’m hoping this gets the last of it out of my system and I can forget anything ever happened. That would be nice. I don’t want his shadow to haunt me every time I swordfight or climb, and honestly I think I’m at the end. Every once in a while I have a moment of weakness and cry all over again. I wish we could go back to being friends, I wish we could look each other in the eye again, I wish that every time I saw his car on the way to work that it didn’t break me, and that he’d come back. I wish he didn’t lie. I wish he wasn’t so cruel. I wish that this horrible pattern of behaviour would break who knows, maybe he wouldn’t be the most hated man in the climbing gym. I want this to be out of my system. And he’s nearly gone from my head. Nearly.
Using this like a diary at this point and honestly, I have been the entire time anyway. For some incredibly fun context for anyone who wishes to hear it, the collection of Amazing Devil art was mostly inspired by the emotional and complex relationship I had with a close friend, before I found out he was just manipulating me until he got what he wanted, and then discarded me after use. That was rough. Really rough. It’s been about month since I found everything out. His old friends have taken me under their wing and honestly I wouldn’t have gotten out of it as unscathed as I have without them. I’m insanely grateful, and while I fear my friendship with them is entirely rooted in their utter hate for him, paired with the way that he treated me, I desperately hope the friendships I’ve made can transcend him. Turns out it’s really easy to make friends at rock-climbing when the most hated man there isn’t hovering over your shoulder. Who would have thought.
I can’t believe I got to have the classic ‘girl has to come to terms with evil manipulative boyfriend’ experience without ever actually having a boyfriend or being a girl. Not to be dramatic but Sabrina Carpenter’s new ‘Man’s Best Friend’ Album has been so oddly specific to this entire experience, like ok girl. Go off. Call me officially a fan.
I guess I get to go back to being the queer bitch I always was. That’s a nice feeling. Also massive shout out to my sword fighting teacher for explaining to me that I was actually being treated really poorly. Made me feel like I wasn’t going crazy. An absolute legend.