stirringofbirds between my arms

i write stuff for me.

[neckcurls]

Most Ardently

Every new thing I learn about you

has me falling harder.

The plants in your garden that make your heart sing

The melodies you share and the joy they bring

The stories you tell about your past lives

Your witty remarks, sharp as a knife

I want to feel this way forever,

wild and winding streams of dopamine overloading my brain.

I'm hard wired for you.

What I would give to take you in with all of my senses

To breathe in your scent while my face is gently nestled in your chest

To feel your steady heartbeat on my blushing cheek

To hear your laughter filling the room with warmth

To see that gap toothed smile that makes me melt

To taste the sweetness of your lips on mine

Every morning I awake thinking of you,

cursing my dreamless sleep

for withholding from me

any time I can spend with you.

I don’t want to waste

one more minute of my life

not loving you.

[neckcurls]

Honey do

You hear the rain outside

Thunder rumbling

You haven't slept all night

Lay your head down on my chest

Go and get yourself some rest

Close your eyes, babe, go to sleep

Cause my heart is you're to keep

Honeydew

Like sugar on my tongue

A breath of fresh air

After searching for so long

Breathing in a cigarette

You're the best thing I found yet

Even on your darkest days

Know I'll love you anyway.

Honey don’t

Tell me it’s too soon

Cause I’ve been falling

Since I laid eyes on you

If you’re scared to say those little words

For fear they’ll scare me off, or worse

You should know I'm here to stay

Honey do it anyway

Honeydew

The sweetness of your lips

Gentle touches

Of your fingertips

Looking deep into your eyes

I know I found someone just right

Honey don’t you change a thing

Your everything makes my heart sing

Honey do

You hear the rain outside

[neckcurls]

I’m trying not to move too fast,

Not to jump into something without the proper forethought.

But suddenly I found myself sharing my poetry,

Waxing philosophical.

And bearing my soul to him

And wearing my heart on my sleeve

And sharing parts of me

I usually keep hidden

At least until the third date or so.

He makes me laugh - my weakness.

He makes me wonder

How I went through the motions for so long,

Gritting my teeth through polite chit chat

“Where are you from?”

“Got any siblings?”

“What’s your sign?”

Carrying conversation after conversation

With probing questions and canned anecdotes.

But with him, my load is lightened.

It came at me unexpected

About ten minutes into a phone call.

I knew something was different with this one.

And I couldn’t tell you what it was.

But sometimes

When a chip of flint meets a blade as sharp as he is,

There’s a spark.

[neckcurls]

It's very hard to get over someone when everything about yourself reminds you of him.

I can't look in the mirror without thinking of him.

And I can't even be mad at him for that.

Because he loved every part of me even when I didn't.

I still don't.

And he still does.

[neckcurls]

I wanted to hurt myself.

to grind my teeth into nubs.

Lately I've been wishing I could punch myself in the gut.

it happens suddenly.

a weight holds me down when the sun is out

but then moves up my spine and concentrates in my head

erupting with hot tears and sinus pressure and doubt and guilt and my nose is running

and just a minute ago I felt in my chest the nothingness that is both empty and heavy.

now i feel like dragging my nails across my skin

and pulling my fucking hair out

and throwing the tv across the room and

pulling my goddamn hair out

and smoking pack after pack after pack untill my lungs are filled to the brim with tar and shame.

and I feel like pulling my motherfucking hair out.

and I'm so tired. and it's only Tuesday.

there are worse things in this world i could be facing than my own destructive ideation.

I should be fine soon enough

[neckcurls]

so i'm sitting in my car on a sunday night or monday morning at 3:30 am and i just came home from his house and can't stop thinking of you and those nights we spent talking for hours and the days we spent with each other constantly never once growing tired of the other i'm not myself tonight i don't feel like myself except with you. and that terrifies me because losing you meant losing what we had and what i had become. and for the life of me, i can't seem to let you go.

[neckcurls]

i can honestly say you scared the shit outta me my heart was on my sleeve what were you thinking the sweetest nothings whispered over the phone i hope by the end of this i don't end up alone you said you loved me and then disappeared for days. you scared the shit out of me how did you think that was ok? but i can't deny that i feel the same it doesn't make any sense. you're all i think about. i think that love is stressing me out.

[neckcurls]

I'm sitting in this coffee shop, thinking of you while reading your words. the hum of a piano bellows below me. the music school downstairs is producing sound waves vibrating through the floor and my thoughts of you reverberate through my head. I wish you could be sitting across from me, writing new words as I read the old. and answering each other's questions about history and academia. but you're a state away and I'm in a state of constant anxiety and anticipation that one day you'll call me up and tell me that you're all in. because god knows I am. I'm just waiting for the go-ahead.

[neckcurls]

I love the feeling  of a fast-moving car  hurdling down the highway flanked by the  ethereal lights of  city skyscrapers

because that’s all I want to do. move  rapidly forward on an open road  with so many possibilities.

I think that’s why  I can never stay in one place  for too long. 

I always want to be moving forward  hurdling towards the future  at reckless speeds 

to find one morning when the sun rises over the horizon and I’m driving forward  filled with hope.

[neckcurls]

the smoke from her cigarette goes up in ribbons

[neckcurls]

one day someone will be with me who is my friend and my companion who loves me and knows me (as rare as those two things coincide) but I believe it will happen some day in the distant future and that's why we hold on. isn't it?

[neckcurls]

I feel very empty inside my stomach hurts I'm smoking a cigarette outside hiding it from my parents hiding my problems from my friends hiding my depression from everyone I don't know what to do

[neckcurls]

dogs are barking outside and sirens blaring. the city i live in isn't so safe. too small and isolated i've gained 20 pounds since I've been here. i'm not as healthy as i once was. the city i live in is slowly killing me one fast food meal at a time. i can't stand the city i live in. i'm getting out soon. but i don't have the patience to wait.

[neckcurls]

As I puff on this cigarette and stare into the dark night sky, I know I’m slowly killing myself  on these fucking fumes. 

But that’s my choice to slowly die. 

If life was completely worth living  (all 100 damn years of it) I would bury that cigarette in the potted plant beside me.  Because I chose to live. 

And if there were no point to living anymore I would off myself  and call it a day. Because that’s my choice as well.

Instead I float somewhere in the  in-between because life is a drag a lot of the time but it has its perks too. 

And I haven’t quite made up my mind if I’m truly living or not. 

I guess I’ll leave that to another day to decide

[neckcurls]

this is the first person I’ve had feelings for since you left. and I may be drunk and I may be an asshole but I’m better knowing that I can feel that giddy bliss of a crush after feeling such a deep connection with you.

[neckcurls]

I took two shots of whiskey and I think I'll feel it soon slipping into slower speech and softer thoughts too. this sweaters getting far too warm my skin is burning red the things I'll give to feel this feeling these things will leave me dead. by myself in a house so quiet you'd think I'd be lonely but by myself is where I'll be me. and me only.

[neckcurls]

smoking a cigarette sitting on my dads cooler outside the basement. it's 2am and I was supposed to be home by midnight. but I'm home now. my parents are asleep I was going to be at a party tonight but plans fell through so i headed home and I already bought a pack so I figured why not enjoy one outside below the awning watching the cold rain. it's cold but with some good music and a burning in my throat I'm staying warm. I don't think I'll make a habit of this. but I'm enjoying it tonight. so I figured why not.