bo burnham sentence starters.
obviously, if you know who comedian bo burnham is, you’ll know his work is satire frequently but this meme features slurs (sexist), and yeah. i shouldn’t have to explain that this is nsfw and probably should not be reblogged if you’re easily offended.
I want you like J.F.K. wanted …. a car with a roof.
You’re playing with your breasts, excuse me, can I try it ma'am? You’re pushin’ ‘em together like a titty venn diagram.
Met a girl named Macy – had sex with her all day, but she was dyslexic, so I ended up doing the YMCA.
Swallow, bitch, there’s people starving in Africa.
I’ll slime you so hard you could be on Nickelodeon.
“Hey, if you really believe that, why don’t you use some of your money to help rebuild the neighborhood instead of putting spinning rims on a gold jet ski?“ And to that I say… Uh.
I hate my life and it hates me back.
Your mother’s breasts sag with such severity that the late, great surrealist artist Salvador Dali mistook them for clocks.
Bono, if you want to help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you cunt.
In the name of the father, son and holy ghost, head, shoulders, knees and toes – turn up your nose, strike that pose. Hey, Macarena!
The average penis length is 5-and-a-half inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who Googles “average penis length” is 3-and-a-half inches.
There’s other people, you selfish asshole.
I’m a real G-shawty that can really find your G-spot …provided that you point me in the general direction.
I met a homeless man named Rich – he wasn’t.
I saw an old man get hit by a train, he didn’t see it in the pouring rain, he didn’t hear me shout, “look out for the train!" 'cause I didn’t say anything.
ART IS A LIE, NOTHING IS REAL.
I went to a store looking for something to buy but they only sold paintings of the same sad guy, no, wait – this store sells mirrors.
That’s it, laughter, it’s the key to everything, it’s the way to solve all the sadness in the world.
The world isn’t sad. The world’s funny! I’m a sociopath!
I saw an old man slip and fall-hey, what a fucking idiot!
And then they’ll be gone and then you’ll be aware of that hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there.
What the fuck did I do last night? I cried myself to sleep.
I like the word poop cause when you say poop your mouth does the same motion your butthole does when it poops.
I just- I internalize my feelings a lot. I have trouble articulating how I’m feeling to other people.
So, basically, you’re still a little bitch.
I like oreos and pussy – yes, in that order!
I want her to trust me and I just want her to- how do I say this- sit on my face!
You think you know everything but you don’t know anything at all.
Well, according to my calculations, I’m sorry, let me run the numbers again, um, you’re a pussy.
The people in my life are like grains of sand 'cause they stick together, often near my butt hole.
If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?
Art is a harlot and I am her sassy urban friend.
Mmm, bitch, why you being so selfish?
If life makes you wish you were dead, just put on a good movie, then promptly put a bullet in your head.
I love your eyes and their blueish brownish greenish color.
Um, I know we never talked or hung out ever, but um… I think that’s what made our friendship so special.
Anyway, you wanna buy some weed?
You’ve got sticks and stones to turn to but I’ve got words to hurt you, so, save your bullets cause you’re fucked.
Your life peaked at graduation, well, congratu-fucking-lations.
I was reading while you were fucking the prom queen.
Pick one of these cards, and memorize it – then go fuck yourself!
Is there anything better than pussy? Yes, a really good book.
Oh sweet, my keys! Oh sweet, the remote! Oh sweet, my wallet! Oh sweet, my mom’s ashes!
And here I am, trying to take a shit in privacy!
Do you like Vampire Weekend?
Nah, fuck that hipster shit!
Dear glove compartment, get a new name CAUSE NO ONE WEARS GLOVES ANYMORE.
Don’t you hate it when you have to poop, but you can’t? Cause you’re not in the bathroom?
Don’t you hate it when you call your girlfriend and she’s like “for the last time, I’m not your girlfriend, we met once at a party, how did you get this number”?
The world is not funny, Guy Fieri owns two functioning restaurants.
You wanna be happy, well, get in line.
God only knows why he cursed me to be a straight white male.
But you can’t say my life is easy until you’ve walked a mile in my uggs.
Good girl in a straw hat with her arms out in a corn field: that is a scarecrow.
It’s a fucking scarecrow again!
Say the word "Truck” and they jizz in their overalls.
You might think this person only exists in your mind and guess what: you’re right!
You might think your dick is gift but I promise it’s not.
If you search for moral wisdom in Katy Perry’s lyrics, then kill yourself.
Honestly, are you fucking five?
NO! BUT SEE I THINK THE ISSUE IS I’VE GOT MY FATHERS TEMPER AND I’M EMOTIONALLY INARTICULATE! SO RATHER THAN BEING HONEST AND VULNERABLE, I’VE DONE A QUICK SWITCH BECAUSE I’M HURTING INSIDE AND I’M TRYING TO HIDE IT, SO EAT A DICK, BITCH!
YOU THINK THREE LOUSY TEARS OFFSETS THREE YEARS OF SHIT?
What I’m trying to say is the diameter of Pringle cans is way too small.
Do you fucking think I want a messy burrito? No one wants a messy burrito.
I’ll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork.
On a scale from one to zero, are you happy?
But what the fuck kind of question is “Am I happy?”
You’re everything you hated, are you happy?
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