Motion.

"To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" -Nicole- Take everything, don't give back.

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K

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Delete, Delete, Delete...

Hey you,

I started cleaning out my phone and I got to our message thread. My heart kind of stopped for a second just looking at the nickname and emoji beside it. I just wanted to swipe and delete. You know me. I tapped to open. Pages of months telling me misleading and confusing things. Scrolling through fights and selfies. I couldn't help but laugh. I kept scrolling until I saw an "I love you" and then I became weak. I scrolled until I saw an "I miss you" and then "I miss those lips" and the tears just started rolling down.

Did you ever really miss any of it? Did you just say those things out of guilt to keep me happy? I feel like half a person lately. Stuck between being happy and moving on.

I don't want you to be mad at me as I move on. You can say you don't care, but how could you not? You meant everything to me. If you truly don't care, then that just hurts even more to know I meant little to you. I always told you that I loved you more than you loved me, but you said that was untrue. 

I get it together and keep scrolling. I want to relive our conversations. The feelings I had reading and writing you. It's becoming too much. 

That night I stayed alone when I needed you. Our blessing just taken away with a pay off. I thought you were at home and you were with her. I cried and just wanted you to be there to hold me. Sometimes I wish I knew what it was going to be. In a few days it would be 7 months. I know it didn't affect you, so whenever I talk about it you just dismiss it. As a woman, I'll always carry that with me. That was a part of you and a part of me I had to let go. 

Uncontrollable sobbing. I wish I had never met you and then I turn around and thank God for letting me meet someone like you. I had been so sad for so long, you were the first person I felt alive with in a while. I just wished you had always been honest with me. I always tried to be honest with you. I do know that I only ever wanted you. 

Swipe. Delete. 

I guess your contact can go too.

Swipe. Delete.

Last. Here is our photo album. Very few pictures. I liked the time we spent together so I never thought about taking pictures. I can actually see my happiness in one of these pictures. Tears. I only cry because I live in fear of having to go through this again. I know they can't all be like you, and they will never be able to replace you.

Swipe. Delete.

Well this is the only place I have memories of you now. This place is a grave for all my lost loves. The one before you and the one before him. If there is a next, he'll be buried here too. 

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Light Sleeper

You had to fall asleep before me.

Kiss before bed. Goodnight.

Never wanted to be the one left there in silence wondering if you may still be awake.

Guessing if the shift under the covers meant you were conscious or uncomfortable.

Holding back urges to kiss you or caress you.

I always made you so tired. You never understood how I still had so much energy so late at night.

Then the days came when I trusted you 

and the nights I allowed myself to fall asleep before you

ugly hair, short snores, and unconscious fights

cute, adorable, and always yours.

Wake up kiss. Good morning.

Disillusioned.

I had been under a spell.

I started sleeping with a ghost in your place. 

In our last days I'm not sure when you went to sleep. 

I'm not sure that you woke up.

My lack of sleep was ultimately only the fault of my own.

I stayed awake looking for you

and then I really woke up. 

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Giving Up Doesn't Mean You're A Failure

Salutations friends! It's been a while and I apologize. I am happy to say I was placed into a new position and have had all my time consumed by it. I also returned to school. All A's, woohoo! The down time I have had has gone to myself, family, and the few friends I have. I've had to go through some tough soul searching this last half of the year. It is yet again my motivational end of year post. If you've had a bad year, but have been too blessed to complain about it. It's time to complain and let it go, NOW!

I am incredibly thankful for everyone giving me their positive energy. I have completely let the darkness in my life go and there is nothing left in my heart but light and love. FUCK YOU 2014!!!

Say it with me if you had a bad year, "FUCK YOU 2014"

I really didn't have that bad of a year. If anything...I was blessed beyond words this year. Good energy removed a demon, a parasite, and all the negativity from my life. 

The greatest lesson I take with me into 2015 is knowing that giving up doesn't make me or anyone else a failure. I held on for such a long time to something that did nothing but weaken me and tear me down in fear. I feared letting go would mean I did not care. Truly, I thought that letting go and giving up would mean I was a shit person. NO. Giving up after exhausting all of your good will, strength, and energy only means you are beyond strong. You are a winner, child. You haven't failed anyone but yourself if you tear yourself down long enough. Let it go, find peace. Break away from whatever evil is exhausting you and just live. Make it known that you are a winner. You have won and you will keep winning.

Friends, I hope you go into 2015 with a clear and open heart and mind. Reflect on what has happened and what can be better and what could have been worse. What can you work on that you did not touch base with in 2014? Are you being led or are you leading? Are you your own person or is someone controlling you? Think about blessing and think about curses. What will you allow in this year to come.

Happy Holidays! I look forward to hearing from you all.

xo Nic

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Energy and Effort

Well. Just wanted to comment on something that was said to me today. I was asked, "why do you do so much for people who don't acknowledge you, never see/speak to you, or know you even exist?". This wasn't the first person to say it to me and as usual I just laughed it off to change the subject. Well, because let's be honest what answer are you looking for with a condescending fucking question like that? Let me be clear here. My time, energy, and effort that I've actually put into most people who "acknowledge" me and know I "exist" don't know how to handle it. They disrespect it. They're afraid of it. They run away from it. That's not all of them, but a vast majority. So, why not put my energy and effort into something or someone I enjoy even if I'm not getting perks from it? That's what's wrong with a lot of people. You feel entitled to too much. You're not. Just like I'm not entitled to receive the same energy and effort that I put out, back. I've stopped expecting anything in return not because I'm bitter or scorned...whatever you kids call it these days. I'm a person and yep I have feelings! I don't expect anything because everything I do for another person or thing is purely for my own joy and happiness. Do I put in more effort and energy in than I should? Sure. Would I rather waste (I like to use "take advantage of") my time on someone or something that has no clue of my E&E vs. Someone or something that DOES and still chooses to ignore or disrespect it? Of fucking course. /vent

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Getting Old, Emotionally Unavailable, and Good Vibes Only

I'm sad as fuck. I just turned 24. Twenty mother fucking four. 

(warning: you may just want to skip to my summary at the bottom)

That's scary. I've always been the one to want to never get old, well besides the times I was younger and was hindered by not being old enough to do certain things. It's inevitable and I need to suck it up. I always joke about wanting to get married and have children, but yeah I'm scared of that shit too. I'm seriously a little girl stuck inside of a 24 year old's body. I can't sleep anymore because I worry too damn much about my age and what I should be doing. I keep saying I'm doing awesome because I'm single with no kids and I'm getting my shit together. That's really not enough for my standards. Don't get me wrong my bills get paid, I have nice things, and I have a cool job.....but there's way more to me than just living a normal life. I've got to get out of this state, hell...this coast, shit maybe even this country. I don't feel what's meant for me is here. I think too god damn much. I'm always worried about what my actions past, present, and future will end up meaning for me. I over think entirely too much. All I know right now is that I've got to refocus. My whole year of 23 I spent worried about a god damn boy that gave two fucks about my well being. It's cool now, I'm over it the situation has left me. I'm at peace knowing his journey is much different than mine and no matter what I would ever do it would never be able to help him figure out his way. Good luck to him, seriously. In turn though, I've come to realize I've got this sick ass journey of my own and not a damn person is going to be able to help me with it. Corny as it sounds, that whole "you came into the world alone and you'll leave alone" is partially right. I'm the only person who can make my mark on the world. Seriously. Shit is scary.

In retrospect, before my hell of dating an emotionally unavailable man on and off for a year...I too was emotionally unavailable from past relationships molding me that way. It's not healthy. AT ALL. I realized how apathetic I was towards anyone who showed me the least bit of attention. Going through that whole ordeal made me vulnerable as fuck. I searched for someone who was even more emotionally unavailable than me so I could make myself feel BETTER! Who even does that?! That's sick and twisted. I enjoyed it though, not even going to lie. Again, I'm a needy attention seeking little girl stuck in a 24 year old's body. Boo-hoo I'm a big baby. I have a bad savior complex where I feel like I need to save all the sad depressed heartbroken men in the world. It explains why all my relationships turn out so shitty, because I haven't been in a real relationship since the guy I was going to marry...and I ended up breaking up with him because I got...you guessed it...scared as shit. He was really the nicest guy I've ever dated. Whatever I wanted I got, funny enough though...our relationship was long distance. Men make me nervous, and that's just a bad tick from when I was a child that has always stuck with me. I find long distance relationships are easier for me because I don't have to deal with the reality of someone always being around. I have a fear of men leaving me. That's why I usually for the most part shut down if I'm interested in a guy, because who likes rejection?...or worse...to be used? It doesn't happen often that I like anyone either. I'm picky as FUCK. If Ramona Flowers and Knives Chau were one person, that'd be me. I'd fight myself over Scott. I get too nervous to ever really get to know a guy or be around one long enough to pick up on his personality or quirks, but my GOD if I choose you Pikachu...there is no turning back. You've gotta be hella smart, hella weird, and have bad humor. Damn that is quite the mix. I could be lowkey heavy obsessed and you will never know. Obsessive personality is a blessing and a curse I tell you. That's why I'm choosing to work on it. I don't want to shut out anyone anymore, but I also don't want to be so vulnerable I just get run over. Whatever happens, happens. There's no rush on commitment. I'm happy with just living in the moment. I'm focused on me again. I do what I want, when I want, and HOW I want. That whole emotionally unavailable shit is for the birds. Even though emotionally unavailable men are so stinking attractive. Why do you guys look so good while showing disinterest?! Ha! Honestly though, I'm making an effort. I'll bury myself in some things this year, but I'm also going to work on being more open.

Eventually I hope to just be content with my lifestyle and the people around me. I surround myself with very few people because I HATE most people within minutes of meeting them. I won't look into your eyes if I don't trust you either. There's way too many different personalities and the amount of people who don't have things in common with me are out the roof. I don't hang with many people all the time because they bring this level of stress and drama into my life that I do not want. I don't do drama. I do shit alone almost ALWAYS. I don't WANT to do it alone, but I'm happier being lonely and doing what I want rather than someone who has a shitty personality with nothing but negativity or stupidity around me. I need GOOD VIBES ONLY. Just stay focused and positive, and don't sweat the little shit. There is far greater pain in the world than the things most people complain about in daily life. Enjoy the small shit! Go outside, read a book, relax! Surround me with hope, excitement, and joy. MAKE ME WANT TO BE AROUND YOU! I want to be around people who think like me, who live life like me, who don't judge everyone for every and any little thing.  

I guess this is my rant. 

To summarize, I'm old at the age of 24. I hope to die peacefully and quick before I become really old(40). I was emotionally unavailable only wanting emotionally unavailable men, but now I'm making myself emotionally available while looking for someone who doesn't have mommy or daddy issues. Bring your posi vibes near me, I need that.

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I'm baaaaaack...

and boy do I have some writing for you.

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Need to see this IRL.

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so why arent you buying Kiss Land? not an Abel fan any longer?

Jokes. I joke. Smh, so literal. Lighten up you guys.

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does ya pussy taste like vanilla milkshake?

what in the hell LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

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Everything applies to me...even the wack motivational crap.

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It breaks my heart to read your post about your situation with your ex thing. I went through a similar thing this year. I feel for a guy hard, and he made me believe he wanted to be with me just as much. When in the end I was just there to fill a void he didn't know how to fill anyway else. Believing a man who tells you they love you, care for you, and only want you is hard. When we left them in that speaks louder than anything we would ever verbally say. Keep your head up girl. It gets better.

Thanks for the encouragement! I’m working through it trying to get back to my happy place. Focusing more on the good and happy things that I got out of it and how extremely excited I am to have that again some day in the future! I hope you’re alright, thanks for the taking the time to read it :)

[hplyrikz]

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Dear John(ny)

I am doing fine, thanks for not asking. However I am sad and confused still. The past two days have been really tough on me. I didn't realize how badly I'd hurt if you left. How can you really leave if you were never there though, right? I took some time to think about everything we've been through and the changes in our relationship and how they progressively got worse and I was too blinded by my optimism to notice your feelings. For that I apologize sincerely, the result of of my failure to notice made you make a decision that ultimately has broken my heart. My incessant questioning and wondering about your faithfulness to me scared you into staying with me instead of telling me the truth. As a previously scorned woman I've had my reservations towards men in fear they will betray me and leave me, much like you have done. As humans we make mistakes and sometimes lie to not hurt the ones we love the most.

Do you remember the first time we met, our first date? I had never been so happy or excited to see someone. That day meant a lot to me. I took you somewhere I loved, and you seemed to have enjoyed it with me. I remember your smile that day, it was adorable...and the first time you took my hand and held it...yeah I can't forget that.

My heart hurts for the simple fact that you were the first man in years I felt completely comfortable with letting into my heart, body, and soul. It happened with ease. Our relationship was not forced and was completely fluid. It was truly a beautiful and forgotten feeling that I needed reminding of. I haven't been impressed with a man like you in a long time. You always seem to question how you are bettering me and if you even make me happy. You did make me happy, gave me confidence, and the support I needed so desperately. You also made me feel insecure about our relationship. I understand clearly why that is now. You removed yourself long ago from anything to do with us. You found another that could fill a void that I could not.

Unfortunately you betrayed something sacred to us and that was trust. I was constantly reminded about your failed relationships and your trust issues due to women. I had the same issues due to men. My faith was put into you even more knowing this. A man so broken promising me he'd never cheat and never did before was so believable.

"If you find someone else you'll tell me right?" "You are mine and I am yours" "You don't fuck with nobody, I don't fuck with nobody. If we do we tell each other."

simple words, that meant everything to me. Vulnerable as I was and hesitant to let you into my world, I still went through with it. No regrets at all for doing that. Sadly I was the only one following that criteria. You found someone and didn't have the heart to tell me.  You manipulated me and my feelings. You convinced me that I was the manipulative one and insecure in myself to ever think you could do something like that. You tainted my judgement and I felt that you were right,

Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me? I do. It was right after an awfully stupid argument, but I was so excited to have heard you say it. Someone in love with me? Could that be possible again? It was and it was so organic and beautiful. I was happy in that moment and every moment after that you'd repeat those words. You made me feel special. You'd tell me all the time how you loved me for the fact I loved you for who you are regardless of any of your inner demons.

Yet you had the heart to tell me that I was your everything and that you loved me and missed me daily...that you had plans for us to move together and start a life and family some day. Reading that over brings tears to my eyes, because I think of how many times you told me this and I said it back whole heartedly and you never meant it any of those times. While I was wondering what you were doing or why you weren't communicating with me like in the beginning you were busy telling her the exact same lies, giving her your attention, and making love to her. It broke my heart to hear her voice over the phone telling me all of the details and lies that corresponded with me. How you had to reschedule our visits because you had plans but it was due to spending time with her. How you lied to her about having to spend time with your father when in actuality I flew up to see you to spend time with you. How I bought you a gift and you hid it as a favor. How you portrayed me as an evil insecure woman obsessed with you, making you have to hide me on social media from everyone. I was so naive, I believed everything you said even as outlandish as it sounded or seemed. I was too smitten with you to ever think you could do something so awful. I'm going to miss talking to you every day most of all. Sounds silly right now, but that was a constant in our relationship from the beginning. Something I looked forward to daily. I guess I'll have to get over that along with my feelings for you. I wish I had a switch that could turn them off. I wish I had found someone here to fall for and not tell you about, but I didn't. So now I'm going to be alone for a little while. Not alone like you though. You have to deal with the fact you hurt me, someone who loved you a lot. I'll be fine. I always turn out fine. I hope you find clarity in all of this. Maybe you and that other girl will work out and in the long run you'll get what you want. I appreciate the lessons learned and still being figured out from this situation. Thanks for the experience and allowing me to be reminded of feeling in love and having someone. I can't wait to find that with someone else in the future. It's going to be better than I can ever imagine. Good luck to you in everything you do.

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you really have met abel ?:O i am so jealous :/ how was it ??

Yes, and it was amazing as I expected! Very humble dude

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kill yaself

trying