z ˚⊹

[a4ple]

depression and a hyperfixation is so funny because life feels like one big game of episode where every choice is

kill yourself

work on your Beatles spreadsheet with your Beatle printed works as a reference

[birdres]

 ‎  ‎anyone else feel the impending doom or just me

[eveninginparis]

[valtsv]

oh my god i almost forgot to tell you all about how, while my dad was visiting, i had an infestation of every single kind of bug in my house that hasn't been a problem before or since. like i'm not kidding i evicted so many creeping crawlies that week and couldn't for the life of me stop mosquitos from stealing my blood, but as soon as he left they vanished. and i mean, sure, there's a perfectly rational explanation, because two people make more mess than one and he has a habit of leaving the windows wide open enough to fly a jet engine through day and night, but i can't help but think how symbolically on the nose it was. the ancestral rot at the heart of my family so gothic it's got ants and flies buzzing around its decaying corpse.

[valtsv]

hey so update but i haven't been harassed by a single freaky little beast since my dad left even after leaving some crumbs on the floor as an experiment to see if they attracted any ants so i think my dad might just be bugs actually

[iiuvza]

pov its summer of 2025 and your parents find out you cut and smoke and your friends all hate you and you sleep until 1 pm everyday

[f4ster-th4n-sound]

“Are you yan4yan-“ I’m mentallyill4mentallyill next question

[deathbysterling]

im in an abusive relationship with myself

[electronicloveaffair]

ay im useless as fuck i hope that turns you on

[skinpeeler]

unfortunately I'm not normal about this little nerd

[seritaka]

you’re in his dm’s. the last four digits of my old home phone number is the combo for his storage locker in which he hides a stolen painting. we are not the same.

[vegaschapters]

like literally i’m just thinking of theo’s massive amount of self hatred and blame for everything in his life from the museum and his mother’s death to the painting and basically everyone’s unhappiness, even his own. and then boris being there in vegas and TAKING CARE of him like not a single human being has done since his mom died. and how boris knows this self hatred and definitely feels it himself (especially when they reconnect, because of the painting) and yet AND YET he does so much for theo not to hate himself for a moment and it literally hurts man. boris, who’s been abused his whole life and was alone before theo, still does all these things no matter the dangers and consequences (insert richard siken quote here). like he’s out here doing drugs with him and making him laugh and forget his worries (which helps them both, even if it’s obviously unhealthy as hell), but he’s also being rough with him and not treating him like he’s gonna break every second like everyone else has before vegas, holding his head under in the pool knowing he’ll yell at him, making him angry and passionate and them fucking around and beating eachother up and then kissing his bloody knuckles while his own mouth is bleeding. and when he can’t come with him he literally grabs his face and kisses him and he has no fucking idea how theo will react to that when they’re sober and out in the open but he does it anyway because it may be his last chance and maybe it’ll hurt less to be apart if they love eachother less. and i’m just thinking about boris being okay with theo hating him as long as he doesn’t hate himself for a second and like i’m not okay?

[vegaschapters]

you thought i was done? i’m not! 

boris pavlikovsky, as i mentioned, is incredibly fucking lonely, is being abused, is a young teen chugging beer like it’s water and doing any drug he can get his hands on for some escape, has massive amounts of trauma and general issues. finds his lifelong friend and falls in love with him, they spend years taking care of eachother. but honestly? i doubt he gets it. i really doubt he believes this is a long term thing and that theo won’t leave him or hurt him. he takes SO many risks in their relationship in the book from start to finish. it’s almost like he’s EXPECTING theo to hurt him because that is literally all he’s ever known and it’s so fucking heartbreaking. when they meet again, boris thinks theo knows he stole the painting. he thinks he’s going to kill him when they walk around the city and to the shop, and YET he follows him. he knows he could die in amsterdam and GETS SHOT but he still does it and even after he gets fucking SHOT he drives them both to safety, and makes sure the painting is safe even after he nearly died for it. there’s not a doubt in my mind that he’s always gonna expect theo to leave or to hurt him. and yet they’re so loving and caring and yet so rough and physical when they’re kids and they REALLY DO fucking love eachother, but love has literally been punches in the face and yelling and bruises all his life. and he still does all these things. and they don’t hurt eachother for real and they work shit out and god i’m heartbroken right now

[borispavlikovsky1]

mfs be like nah I don't need therapy my mental health is good and then go read Goldfinch and romanticize Las Vegas chapters and find Theo "I'm not gay" Decker reletable

[brucespringdean]

the thing about the goldfinch is that recommending it is difficult because i truly believe that the best and perhaps only way to read it is while going through a severe depressive episode yourself. was it a good book? i can't even tell you, all i know is that i read it when i was feeling deeply sad and alineated from the world but at least i had theo decker with me talking about how sad and alineated from the world HE felt. book for and about people so so scared to live. what if we all died wondering???

[rawstalker]

[savedbyearlysunsets]

[scabsinlockets]

sex is overrated just break into my home and beat the shit out of me

[bunnydollbunny]

I know codependency is baaaadd......howeeverrrrrrrrrrrrr