john mulaney: kid gorgeous → sentence starters
slightly edited in some cases to work for rp purposes.
feel free to change phrasing or pronouns to fit your muse(s)!
❝ Let’s change the subject! ❞
❝ This is a weird conversation and I want to talk about a book I read about World War II.❞
❝ Whoever did kill her only did it to protect her from this world. ❞
❝ Ah, none of us really know their fathers. ❞
❝ I was sitting over on the bench. ❞
❝ You saw what happened and did nothing! ❞
❝ Sometimes, he was gay. ❞
❝ When he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work. ❞
❝ I never talked to my dad about that but I figured I’d tell you. ❞
❝ Freebasing is the greatest orgasm known to man. ❞
❝ I’ve been sober now two weeks. Well, weekdays, not weekends. ❞
❝ What was so funny? I wanna know. ❞
❝ None of that matters but it’s important to me that you know that. ❞
❝ Phonebooks don’t leave bruises. ❞
❝ Give us some money! As a gift! We want a gift! But only if it’s money! ❞
❝ I thought I’d be dead in a trunk by now. ❞
❝ You spent it already?! ❞
❝ I lived on cigarettes and alcohol and adderall. ❞
❝ Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep? ❞
❝ That’s illegal! They tricked me! ❞
❝ I paid 120,000 dollars for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn’t!❞
❝ If it’s too big you can just wear it as a sleep-shirt. ❞
❝ Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? ❞
❝ Jokes don’t do well in court. ❞
❝ I’m in the phase right before Old. ❞
❝ I am damp all the time. ❞
❝ UGHHHHH – you know, life. ❞
❝ I don’t know what my body is for, other than just taking my head from room to room. ❞
❝ I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. ❞
❝ Let’s just not see each other for eight months and it doesn’t matter at all. ❞
❝ I was raised to be nice to everyone in every situation because you never know their story. ❞
❝ A lot of people don’t seem that nice and they seem to be doing fine in the world. ❞
❝ Not everyone thinks the same things are nice. ❞
❝ Famous people are weird as shit. ❞
❝ Your suspicions are correct. ❞
❝ I say ‘knock-knock’ out loud.❞
❝ The world is run by robots and we spend most of our time telling them we’re not a robot. ❞
❝ Think about that for two minutes and tell me that you don’t want to walk into the ocean.❞
❝ It seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time. ❞
❝ I try to stay optimistic even though things seem to be getting a little sticky. ❞
❝ I don’t remember that in Hamilton. ❞
❝ I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. ❞
❝ What do you think they’re celebrating? ❞
❝ I wasn’t raised catholic and I’m fucking glad I wasn’t because it’s a fucked up organization. ❞
❝ That should be the slogan of the catholic church: It’s an hour! ❞
❝ First of all, get out of here with your facts. Just ‘cause you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting. ❞
❝ A charming anecdote that was fake and never happened. ❞
❝ These meaningless politeness rules! ❞
❝ I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. ❞
❝ My wife is a bitch and I like her so much. ❞
❝ I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change. ❞
❝ I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff. ❞
❝ Brush your teeth! Now boom, orange juice! That’s life. ❞
❝ College is a $120,000 hooker and you’re the idiot who fell in love with her.❞
❝ He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin. ❞
jacobvanloon
