summary: after a devastating argument with your boyfriend, you’re left worrying about the future of your relationship.
warnings: angst, arguing, cursing, mean!reader, reader is lowkey emotionally unavailable but she’s trying, kinda mean!steve, steve is also stubborn but sweet, lots of crying, some mentions of suicide but also not really, talks of previous injuries, canon adjacent to season five, eddie is alive because i say so, i think that’s it!
from jen: um hi? this idea hit me randomly and despite my incredibly long list of WIP’s, this is was the only one i managed to finish on a random friday night. i hope you guys like it! as always, with love <3
Steve Harrington had a knack for throwing himself onto the metaphorical grenade and you were sick of it.
You won’t lie, his instinctual nature of being the hero and protecting the people he loved was one of the things that drew you to him in the first place. But what first came off as charming, is now infuriating.
Every bone in your body is tense, fingers clenched tightly into fists at your sides, and your feet stomp across the grass outside the WSQK building as you speed walk inside. Without looking behind you, you know Steve is fast on your trail.
Nancy and Jonathan stay behind, clearly aware of the simmering tension between you and Steve, near the van and try to occupy themselves with talk but you know they must feel awkward at the argument they’re about to witness.
“Baby, will you please slow down and talk to me?” Steve begs from behind you. Rather than listening to him, your feet carry you up the three steps and you swing open the glass door and step inside.
The gesture is only enough for you to slip through and you hear Steve groan when his chest collides with the door trying to shut itself before he can stop it.
Good, serves him right after his stunt tonight.
You ignore the passive glances aimed towards you from Dustin and Lucas who are sitting on the couch in the middle of the common room. Despite not being there physically, everyone is aware of the events of tonight and you’d like to think they’re on your side.
But you’re also not in the mood to discuss them. You continue on your path, although you’re not even really sure you know where you’re planning to go but for now, you head towards the kitchen.
You’re ready for an argument with him, truly you’re craving it – maybe then you’ll have an outlet for the anger you’ve been feeling lately. Tonight marks the third time in a single month where he’s put himself in danger and you’re at your wits end. And while you have every intention of fully laying into him, you prefer not to do it in front of an audience.
Steve calls your name again, still carrying the most patient tone he always embodies when it comes to you. Tonight, it only angers you even more. How can he stand there and be so calm and sweet when he nearly died less than an hour ago?
Once you’re both away from the others, safely tucked inside the small kitchenette of the radio station, you spin on your heels to face him. His feet all but screech to a halt when he realizes you’re finally looking at him, but you don’t give him a chance to even be relieved before you’re speaking.
“Are you set on carrying out a suicide mission or have all those blows to the head you’ve taken over the years knocked some screws loose in there?” You demand.
Steve watches your arms cross tightly over your chest and your eyes blaze up at him. He’s a 5’11” man and looking down at you now, he knows it should be physically impossible for him to fear you and yet that look in your eye has him nearly cowering away.
“What?” He asks stupidly.
“I’m serious, Steve. You went way off track tonight and not only did you put yourself in danger, you put the rest of us in danger!”
Truth be told, you couldn’t care less about yourself being in danger. It was Steve you were worried about, he was the only one you were ever truly worried about but there was a stubborn part of yourself who was too scared to admit it, even now.
“I know, I know,” Steve sighed, taking a step toward you but you take one backwards, insistent on keeping the distance between you two. You watch his eyes sadden and fight the urge to run into his arms and make it better for him but damnnit, he gave you another memory of his near death and you needed him to understand that.
Steve swallows and doesn’t fight the distance. “I didn’t mean to, okay? I figured it was our last chance and I wanted to make it count. I’d never let you get hurt, or Nancy and Jonathan, you know that,” He pleads.
You shake your head. “That’s not the point, Steve. This is the third time this month you’ve done something so stupid and careless, and you still don’t seem to learn.”
It’s Steve’s turn to shake his head. “That’s not fair. I’m trying to keep everyone safe, I’m trying to get us closer to Vecna!”
“Using your body as a human shield isn’t going to do that!”
“Wha – I’m not using myself like that!” He argues. Based off his tone, you can tell he’s still not getting it. It seems like he has such little regard for himself that he can’t even recognize when he puts himself in harms way.
“You are! We all agreed going to that gate was only to make sure nothing could fit in or out, and what did you do? You –“ Steve cuts you off.
“I had to! The plan we ‘agreed on’ –“ He uses his fingers to make air quotes over the word – “was made when we didn’t know it was guarded with goddamn Demobats. Nancy and Jonathan were pinned, I was making sure they got out!”
“And your bright idea was sacrificing yourself?” You shout back at him. You’re aware of the increased volume of your voices and how the others inside the building no doubt are hearing your argument to some degree but that doesn’t stop you.
“Would you quit saying it like I was trying to kill myself? I wasn’t thinking about that, I was thinking of a way to keep everyone alive,”
“Exactly, you weren’t thinking about it. You never think about it! You just do stupid shit and expect me to be there to pick up the pieces.”
Steve’s expression pinches, and you can see the last of his patience begin to dissipate. “Hold on, I don’t expect anything from you. And again, what I did wasn’t stupid, I’m the one who kept us all alive tonight,”
You bark our a humorless laugh. “No, Nancy and her shotgun are what kept us alive tonight. If she hadn’t followed you, those bats would’ve tore you apart just like they did last year!”
It was a low blow, you know it was. Steve hated the reminder of his first time in the Upside Down – ironically, a time where you did exactly why you’re yelling at him for now and jumped through the watergate to save him – and he confided in you about that many times. He told you about his nightmares about that night, about how much he hates his scars and how scared he was and yet here you were, practically throwing it back in his face.
And you can tell the argument has hit a point of no return when his eyes lose all their softness. You hit the exact nerve you were aiming for but now, you’re not so sure you’re able to deal with the consequences.
“Right. I guess I should be thanking Nancy instead of wasting my time trying to apologize to you, especially after you did basically nothing the entire time tonight,”
Your eyes narrow at him and his implication. “Excuse me?”
Steve shrugs. “You heard me. You’re on my case about how I put myself in danger but at least I was doing something. Nancy was the one who followed after me, all while you stayed behind and pouted until I got back,”
A piece of heart splinters from itself and it lodges deep in your gut. Just as you were aware of Steve’s fears, he was aware of your insecurities when it came to Nancy. You’d been sort of friends with Steve growing up and were a distant viewer of his relationship with her. You knew of their history, something you didn’t share despite your relationship with him now and you’d done your best to be up front with him about it. Not once has he ever given you a reason to doubt him, his love for you, or his lack of feelings for Nancy. Until now.
In all fairness, you started the war below the belt so, you reap what you sow. But still, it stung. It really stung.
“Oh I see, you’re just reliving your glory days then, is that it?” You mock him and he’s quick to pick up on it. But you’ve started now and there’s no coming back. “Is this whole thing your weak attempt at regaining Nancy’s attention? You’re doing whatever you can to make yourself seem like the King Steve that Nancy Wheeler fell in love with three years ago?”
You see the way his jaw ticks when you say his old nickname and you know you’re heading in the right – wrong, really fucking wrong – direction.
“I hate to break it to you, Steve, but you were knocked clean off that high horse in high school. You’re so worried about being forgotten and replaced that you can’t even see how careless you’re being. You’re not in high school anymore and no matter how much you try and chase it, you’ll never be what you were back then and it’s embarrassing having to watch your pathetic attempts anyway!”
Your chest is heaving by the time you’re done and you’ve spent the last two minutes ignoring that small voice in your head telling you to stop, that you’re hurting him, that you’re ruining things. A voice you didn’t listen to even thought you know you should have.
Steve stands in front of you, shoulders tense and his hands loosely curled into fists but all you can focus on is his face. His irritatingly handsome face, usually covered with an even handsomer smile, is now covered in a look you can only describe as hurt. Pure hurt.
Your stomach twists with guilt and you know you have to apologize, but no words seem adequate enough to make up for the things you said.
In a matter of seconds, he pulls his gaze away from yours and casts his eyes at the ground instead. He shakes his head, biting his lip and when he looks back up at you, his face is stoic. He’s sealed you off from him and his emotions.
“I’m done,” He says suddenly and you feel your heart drop to the floor. He doesn’t clarify what he means, although you’re not sure there’s much clarity to give. You pushed him too far, something you’ve done plenty of times, and he finally reached his breaking point. He’s done with you.
He doesn’t wait for a response or offer anymore before he walks out of the kitchen and all you’re left with is the distant sound of his footsteps moving further and further away from you.
Your throat tightens and your eyes burn with unshed tears threatening to fall. Your mind tries to piece together how things got so bad so fast but you know exactly how – because of you. Always because of you.
You got what you wanted. You wanted him to hurt like you did, so why did you still feel so bad?
You’re not sure how much time had passed by the time you left the station. All you know is when you did, the building was clear. The kids weren’t occupying the common room like they were when you arrived, Nancy and Jonathan weren’t by the van and Steve was nowhere to be found.
The air around you was suffocating despite you being alone and you know it’s because you’re wallowing in a state of self hatred. You crossed a line tonight, and you were certain Steve would never forgive you. Not that you could really blame him.
Your drive home is silent, save for the sound of your own subconscious screaming at you for being so mean and stupid. There were some other things she’d yelled at you but vulgar enough you don’t care to repeat.
When you finally get home, it’s just after 8 o’clock and you feel like a zombie as you run through the motions of a bedtime routine. You don’t bother with dinner or a shower, and quickly change into pajamas – your bottoms and one of Steve’s shirts – before shutting all the lights out and climbing into bed.
You’re foolish enough to hope he’ll come over tonight. He’s spent the majority of your relationship here now that Dustin and Eddie have sort of moved into his house. It’s not like there wasn’t enough room for all of you, but Steve really enjoyed having space where it was you and him. Just you two.
It’s been a little over a year since you two became official, but you both know now how long you’ve spent secretly in love with each other. Your love for Steve has been something you’ve always been open about, something you’re proud of but there’s always been a distance you’ve kept with him.
Blame it on the dismissive approach your mother took to parenting, or the heartbreak from your father abandoning you as a child, or the bad luck you’ve had in your singular relationship before Steve that ended with him cheating on you – it didn’t matter. No matter how much you loved Steve, it was hard to trust him. Not his intentions or his loyalty, no there wasn’t a single part of you that worried he was a cruel man but who was to say one day he wouldn’t wake up and decide he didn’t want you anymore?
How could you know for certain that if you trusted him with every part of yourself, light and dark, he wouldn’t leave? You couldn’t be certain, that was the problem. And his instinct to hurl himself toward danger only made that feeling worsen. If he didn’t break up with you, he could leave you by dying and that was your worst nightmare. At least he’d still be alive if he didn’t love you anymore, but if he was no longer breathing? There’d be no reason left for you.
You’re tossing and turning in your sheets, clinging to his pillow that smells just like him, while your mind races and your chest aches.
You’re being unfair, and unreasonable. Steve’s never given you a reason to doubt him, as a matter of fact, he’s worked serious overtime to try and break down the walls you’ve spent years building. He’s kind, and selfless and so fucking patient it makes your heart bleed.
And in minutes, you’ve managed to break that. You’ve had exactly one good thing in your life and you broke it. You’ve broken him. The look on his face after hearing what you said is permanently etched in your brain and it worsens your guilt. Suddenly, you sit up in bed and you’re reaching for the landline on the bedside table. You don’t expect him to forgive you, you’re not even sure you want him to after the awful things you said to him, and you won’t try and change his mind on the breakup but he has to know everything you said tonight was a lie.
You’re dialing his number without a second thought and you ignore the way your hands shake with nerves. You’re not sure he’ll pick up, or that he won’t immediately hang up on you once he hears your voice but you need to try.
The line rings several times, all while you feel your body shake from anxiety. Your finger wraps around the cord, so tight you should worry about blood circulation. It’s still pitch black around you but all you can focus on is trying to find the right worlds.
None of it matters however, because after seven rings, you’re met with his parents voices on the voicemail.
And while you should take it as a sign to give him space, you’re shoving the covers off yourself and quickly slipping your shoes on instead. Your body is moving on its own accord, like a magnet being pulled to metal, you’re being pulled towards him.
You’re basically on autopilot as you drive to his house, still trying to find the right words to make it up to him. You’re pretty sure there’s nothing you could say to make it up to him but you’re determined to try.
The first thing you notice when you get to his house is the absence of his car, and then how dark it is – not even the porch light is on. When you glance at the clock in your car, it reads 1:03AM. You’re surprised he’s not home, and try not to think too hard of where he could be. You park on the curb across from his house and you’re hoping either Eddie or Dustin are here as you climb out of the car to knock on the door. Maybe waiting inside wouldn’t be such a good idea, but it increases the likelihood of him listening to you and not slamming the door in your face whenever he gets home. Not that you wouldn’t deserve it.
You walk up his driveway and knock on the door, nervously rocking on the balls of your feet. After a few moments and no answer, you assume either nobody’s home or whoever is must be asleep. Which means you either wait here for Steve to get home – if he comes home – or for one of the other two boys to potentially wake up and let you in.
With a sigh, you make your decision and sit on the second step of his porch. Your arms hug your knees to your chest and you rest your chin on the tops of them. With your decision made, you spend even more time internally berating yourself and trying to figure out what to say.
I’m sorry for throwing your worst fear and biggest regret in your face, I was being stubborn and instead of trying to ask for help, I acted like a bitch. Will you forgive me?
Yeah. That probably wasn’t going to work.
And anyway, this wasn’t about forgiveness. This was about making sure Steve knew he wasn’t pathetic and he’s so much more than who he was in high school. It was about making sure your own fears didn’t make him feel stupid or useless. He was none of those things.
Thinking back on it, there was probably a lot more truth to his words than you would’ve liked to admit. Nancy was the one who went after him, you did stay behind but it wasn’t because you couldn’t do something – it was because you were scared all you’d find was his body. But regardless of the reason, he was right. Tonight, you were the useless one and he made the call to try and protect everyone else, yourself included, when the group was faced with a threat. That was more than you did.
It’s relatively dark along his street and the lack of light on his porch makes it worse. There’s a breeze in the air and you’re beginning to regret not bringing a jacket in your quick frenzy to get here.
Five hours ago, you said some of the worst things you could think of and without insulting you back, Steve walked away and ended things. He didn’t want you anymore, he couldn’t handle it and instead of listening to him and respecting his choice, you showed up at his home in the middle of the night. With what – a demand that he listens to you, all to appease your own guilt?
Oh God, you should not be here.
Just as you’re ready to scramble upright and head back to your car, headlights cover the pavement and you recognize them almost immediately. Your breathing has shallowed and your anxiety spikes. You’re still not set on what you’re going to say to him but it doesn’t seem like you have much of a chance to rethink anything – or leave like you’d now like to.
Steve cuts the engine off, returning you into darkness before he steps out of the car. He doesn’t seem to have noticed you or your car as he makes his way up the driveway. He’s lazily spinning his keys around his fingers, eyes trained on the concrete beneath him.
As he gets closer to the porch, his head lifts and it’s only when he’s a few feet away from you, that he finally notices you. He freezes almost instantly and at the same time, you practically jump to your feet.
For a moment, you both just stare at each other. He’s still in the same clothes from earlier, but his hair is messier than he’d ever kept it and he looks tired. You’re not sure if you’re to blame or because the late hour. Surely a mix of both.
You’re visibly nervous as he quickly takes in your appearance. Your pajama bottoms that are too long for you, one of his old favorite t-shirts you stole from him, and some random shoes that aren’t even laced all the way. Your hands are in front of you, wringing together and once he sees that, Steve realizes you’re here.
He finally meets your gaze and you watch his face twist from surprise to .. worry?
He says your name quickly, almost a breathless sound. “It’s 2AM, what’re you doing out here?”
You swallow and your throat suddenly feels dry. You’ve been trying to answer that exact question to yourself for the past hour. But despite his worrisome expression, you notice his words and it’s pretty easy to think your earlier assumptions were right, he doesn’t want you here.
“I.. I was waiting for you,” You offer softly.
His brows furrow, and you’re both unsure what to say next and you figure it’s best if you start.
“I got here but you weren’t home, and nobody answered the door, so I-I just thought I’d wait here,”
Steve nods once. “Was at Robin’s. Eddie took Dustin to Mike’s, probably decided to stay,”
You don’t miss the shortness in his words and your heart pinches, but you have nobody to blame by yourself for that. After all, that’s why you’re here.
“Oh.” You nod, trying to give a smile but you’re sure it ends up looking more like a painful grimace.
Without you really noticing, Steve’s eyes drop down to your hands in front of you again. He watches the way you’re wringing them together so roughly and it’s your tell tale sign of not just how nervous you are, but how scared you are.
Unbeknownst to you, Steve is five seconds away from rushing towards you and forcing you into his arms. He hates seeing you scared, much less being the cause of it. He’d just spent the last five hours with Robin trying to come up with a plan to fix things between you two.
He hated what you said, of course he did, and he knows there’s absolutely no truth in the things you said about him and Nancy but maybe you weren’t so far off from the other things. Maybe he does the dangerous jobs because he has something to prove, something to fix, but not because of Nancy. Because he spent years being the worst version of himself and he’s desperate to make up for it.
He knows he’d be just as upset, if not more, if the roles were reserved and he was constantly watching you put yourself in danger, no matter the reason. He also knows you well enough to know the anger and mean words were your way of telling him how you really felt.
You were scared to lose him. He couldn’t fault you for that.
Just as he’s ready to break the silence and ask for forgiveness, you beat him to it.
“Listen, I just wanted to apologize for the things I said,” You’re avoiding eye contact and Steve can already feel his heart constricting in his chest. He knows how hard it is to be vulnerable with him, and especially how hard it is for you to apologize and yet, you’re doing it anyway. For him.
“Breakup or not, I don’t ever want you to think any of that was true,”
Your words are nice and your tone is so kind, but they fall on practically deaf ears because all Steve can focus on is the word ‘breakup’. It’s ringing in his ears, practically taunting him.
“Hold on, hold on,” He rushes, shaking his head. “Who said anything about a breakup?”
He sure as hell didn’t. He wouldn’t let you go even if his life depended on it. Not unless you told him you no longer loved him and wanted him to let you go. Even then, he wasn’t sure he’d actually listen. But he was sure you hadn’t said that tonight. Sure, you were angry – so was he – but that wasn’t a breakup. Was it?
It’s his turn to internally panic but you only blink at him.
“Earlier, y-you said you were done. I get it, I really do, I-I was awful to you and you didn’t deserve that,” Your stuttering is hard to control and it’s only making your anxiety all the more obvious.
You shake your head, force your eyes to the ground and before your brain can tell your heart to shut up and protect itself, the words are spilling from your mouth.
“You never deserved that. I was just scared. I was scared that one day you’re going to do something and you won’t come back to me and instead of admitting that, I got mean and pushed you away but I swear, I didn’t mean any of it. Everything you do is from the most selfless parts of yourself,”
You still haven’t met his gaze.
“You’re so good, Steve. Too good for me, and I just proved that even more tonight. I’ve never been easy to be around, let alone be easy to love, but you did, and I want – no, I need you to know nothing I said was true. None of it,”
With your eyes trained on the floor, you see his shoes suddenly appear in your vision. He’s so close you can smell him, so close that you can feel the warmth radiating from him, and just as suddenly, you feel the softness of his palms cradling your face.
You nearly sob at the contact. Your eyes squeeze shut and it’s only then that you realize your cheeks are wet from tears, while more continue to fall freely. His warm hands hold your face, and you feel the light touch of his thumbs brushing away the tears.
Steve says your name so softly, so full of love and it nearly overwhelms you. It’s an encouragement for you to look at him and so helpless for him, you listen and finally meet his gaze. The look in his eyes match the softness of his voice.
“Baby, that wasn’t me breaking up with you. I just didn’t want to make it worse, I was saying some pretty bad things,”
Relief sits heavy in your heart but it’s short lived.
He was saying bad things? You were the awful one.
“I’m sorry for storming out like that. I should’ve told you what I meant, not let you think I broke up with you all night,”
Immediately, you protest in his arms.
“Steve, you don’t have to apologize for anything. I was so awful to you,”
His expression shifts and his shakes his head. “Hey, stop. None of that. You’re not awful, baby. And I’m not too good for you,”
You hear in his tone how you speaking those words really upset him and a small part of yourself is happy to hear the disagreement, even if you don’t really believe it. He knows you’re ready to argue but he cuts in.
“I’m serious. I don’t wanna hear you talking badly about yourself. I don’t care what it is, there’s nothing you could say that would make me believe you’re not enough for me. You’re everything to me.” Steve leaves no room for arguing and the weight of his words sink into your bones.
Even after everything, he’s still so sweet to you. What the hell did you do to deserve him?
All the love and adoration seeping from his tone and eyes finally overwhelms you and you don’t even bother stopping yourself from launching into his arms completely. You jump to the tips of your toes, wrap your arms around his neck tightly and bury your face into his shoulder. Your chest is pressed firmly against his and he can feel the way your heart races. He catches you easily, one large hand cradling the back of your head and the other anchored around your waist.
You cling so tightly, Steve almost worries you’re about to merge into one being. Not that either of you would care.
He continues to hold you as you cry, and there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. He’d take a lifetime of nasty arguments with you over a life without you.
“Sweetheart, I know it’s been hard for you to trust people before, and I’m sorry I wasn’t always around to protect you..” You’re unsure where he’s going with this but you don’t move from your place at his neck. “But I promise, I’m not going anywhere. You were right earlier, I throw myself into danger and didn’t stop to think about how that would affect you, I’m sorry,”
Gently, he pulls you from his skin so he can look at you. Despite all the heavy tears, your puffy eyes and reddened cheeks, you’re still the most beautiful girl in the world. He smiles despite himself.
“Please don’t apologize anymore,” You say softly. “I’m sorry for everything,”
His thumb strokes across your wet cheek. “I know, sweet girl,”
When you move to bury yourself into him again, he notices the way you shiver and he remembers how you’re still outside in the middle of the night.
“Come on baby, let’s go inside, yeah?” He murmurs. You nod immediately but make no movements to separate. A smile reappears on his face and without a second thought, your hands wrap around the back of your thighs and he effortlessly lifts you into the air.
You let out a startled gasp and instinctively, your legs wrap around his waist. You feel the rumble of his chest when he chuckles and he quickly kisses the top of your nose.
“Don’t worry baby, I won’t drop you. Trust me,”
You smile at him, you own palms coming up to cradle his cheeks this time. “I trust you, Steve, I promise.”
His handsome face mirrors your smile and you know without a hint of doubt that nobody has ever loved anyone the way you love him.
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