You were friends with him from birth - the boy across the street, Satoru Gojo. However, you lose touch in college, but finally you're going to the same school! You have a love letter written, but you find Satoru - the football captain - is dating the top cheerleader. And she hates you. You're the girl who doesn't really get noticed, the girl in the bleachers playing the clarinet, watching Satoru score a touchdown and kiss his girlfriend. It hurts, but you try to stay uninvolved, but you're watching the boy you knew hurt. Can the two of you have a friendship anymore, and does he feel the same way as you?
pairings - football star! gojo x band geek! reader
warnings - angsty, emotional, hurt comfort, smutty - this chap - cute, fluffy, a first date with Satoru, lots of tension, kissing, dry humping, oral (m receiving) fingering, panty fucking, the two of them being all fucking cute and in love bc I need it.
based on the T Swift song! Part of @indiewritesxoxo series event! I missed this one and wanted to dive back in hehe <3
art by @/Jan on X!
<<<part four
part five
The scent of your pretty perfume is in the air as you give yourself one last spritz, across your collarbones, turning this way and that as you look at your reflection in the mirror. Satoruâs favorite scent on you, the one youâve worn since heâs met you damn near.
God, itâs been a long time.
Doubts abound in your mind today prepping for your date â no matter how much pep talk youâve gotten from Nanami, Utahime, Shoko and Suguru, there was the lingering doubt that perhaps Satoru was just rebounding. That it was way too fucking soon since Sarah destroyed him, his confidence was clearly lacking, and you didnât want to be a rebound.
Yet you wanted to be there for Gojo, wanted to be with him â wanted to belong to him, and him to belong to you. As it always was in your mind, yet for years Satoru never saw you as more than the âbest friendâ. So your mind couldnât stop racing, remembering the shitty words Sarah had said in your ear.
She thought Satoru was all hers â and he was, for some time, until you came. In a way you feel every bit this terrible woman who came and stole her man, but on the other side of that, you canât imagine not taking the chance with the boy youâve loved as long as you could remember. The one who lost the light in his eyes due to just how terrible Sarah was.
Sarah didnât get Satoru.
She didnât understand him, she wanted him to be a perfect Gojo, not the nerdy Satoru deep down, and how she broke him? You canât ever accept it, but it didnât stop the nagging doubts as you touch up some lipstick.
You didnât dress glamorous like Sarah, but you were trying to look pretty. The dress you chose for tonight is simple and cute, a pretty pink silk that cinched right in the waist with a cute little bow. Itâs something you didnât know youâd ever actually wear, the girl who always tends to be casual, you canât help but tug at it this way in that, making sure it looks pretty on you.
Your phone buzzes on your nightstand, making your heart race â cheeks heating right up as you pick it up and see his name.
Toru: Iâm outside, sweetheart.
âSweetheart,â you murmur, biting your lip and almost giggling with how fucking excited you were.
He always called you that as kids, but after last week when heâd buried his face in between your thighs, came in your hand, kissed you?
It felt different.
You grab your bag and sling it over your shoulder, wondering just why you were so nervous. Youâve known Satoru Gojo your whole life and heâs seen you bare faced, wearing sweats, bathing suits in the summer, youâre more comfortable with him than almost anyone. So why now, was it so different?
It was a date. Thatâs why.
You take a steadying breath, eyes shutting for a moment to calm yourself, before opening the door, down the stairs and in front of the dorm building in a few moments, seeing Satoru leaning against his car. Legs crossed at the ankle, the setting sun reflecting and shimmering on his form, just enhancing how good he looks.
Itâs a pair of dark blue jeans and a black t-shirt, simple, sure, but you know Satoru Gojo â and you just know that shit costs thousands. He loves a good material, and that shirt and those jeans fit him perfectly. He looks up from the phone, smiling all cute right at you, melting your fucking heart, which hammers as his gaze slips across your body carefully.
âWell, fuck,â he breathes out those words as you walk over to him now, pretty blue eyes studying you slowly, lingering on the pretty curve of your tits in that dress, you can feel it like heâs actually touching you. âYouâre trying to kill me.â
âWhat? No way,â you giggle, your voice just a breathy whisper as you bite down on your lower lip, and he takes you by your hands, holding your arms out a bit to tilt his head.
âI donât even think Iâve seen you in a dress since like prom,â he murmurs, you blush under his gaze, letting him spin you around. âFuck itâs cute on you.â
âI just wanted to look nice for our date,â you look down shyly, unused to so much attention, Satoru tilts your chin up, letting your hair fall back.
âNice? No, beautiful is what you look like.â
âToruâŠâ he cups your face, leaning down, his breath ghosting sweetly over your lips. âThank you. You look so good-â
He doesnât wait for you to finish your sentence, he just dips his head and captures your lips with a soft kiss, one that has you melting in his embrace. Your lips part, letting his tongue sweep inside the hot recesses of your mouth, gliding against yours in a slow, teasing motion that has you aching for more.
Your arms wrap his neck, tip toeing to hold on to him, his hand warm against your lower back, pressing you even closer against the hard lines of his body, you can already feel his length behind those damn jeans, pressing against your stomach. The memories of him whimpering as you stroked him hit hard.
He promised the next date youâd get to suck him.
You swear youâre so worried youâll do a terrible job, you tried to research via porn and couldnât figure out how these girls were so talented. Satoru was huge.
But the thought of sucking it?Â
It has you arching, gasping for a breath as he takes you over, his other hand entangling in your hair, turning so youâre pressed against his pretty sports car. He lifts one of those thighs, pressing harder, and you canât help but eagerly arch, rolling your hips and crying out.
âToru,â you whine those words out, pulling back with saliva dissolving between your mouths, when he finally pulls back, whispering your name right back in an octave that fucking ruins you. âSomeone will see!â
âLet âem see,â he chuckles just a bit, this psychotic look in the normally sweet blue eyes that fucks you up more. âThey should know who you belong to now, who I belong to, shouldnât they?â
âYou have no clue what that means, for you toâŠâ You trail off now, letting his cool thumb stroke your cheek.
People were walking back and forth, in and out of the dormitory, and some did peek over â Sarah and Satoru were the âgolden coupleâ and you surely looked like the very âreboundâ you were afraid to. You swallow down the nerves, hands clutching and unclutching his soft jacket he had slung over that dress shirt, his lettermanâs jacket that not long ago was slung over Sarahâs shoulders.
Why are you still so jealous!?
You hate it â you hate how worried you are for her revenge, how cruel she was not just to you, but to Satoru. The hurt she could cause.
âSweets,â he tilts your chin up, feeling you tremble. âIâm going too fast-â
âNo! No, please I want it all⊠Itâs just that Iâm so worried,â you whisper, eyes shutting a bit, before opening back to focus on the boy you love.
Things have been said â but not that.
âAbout her?â
âHer, the friends she has, hurting you somehow⊠your reputation. It could hurt and Iâd feel terrible.â
âLet me worry about all,â he kisses you once more, easing your thigh down, the gentle breeze rushing across your skin, making you tremble even more. âThey can say what they want about me, I really am tired of caring, sweetheart.â
âI bet you are,â you blink just a bit, kissing his chin, resting your brow on it. âIt feels too easy in your arms and itâs terrifying me.â
âI kind of know what you mean,â he hugs you tightly, feeling not just the eyes of everyone around you both, but how scared you are.
It is scary, though, truly to have had this forever one way, and then to cross that boundary, one he never even dreamed of doing. Every time Satoru thought he would tell you his feelings, he had to hold it all back, so worried of losing you forever, not knowing the entire time you could have felt like that for him.
A part of him felt guilty, moving on from Sarah like this â he knows sheâll hate him more for it, but another part of him canât fucking care. After the shit she pulled, the things she said, the way she acted? He couldnât believe heâd let it go on for as long as he had, really, if it wasnât for you heâs not sure he would have come out of it.
Would he have married her, like his parentsâ wanted, and lived the cozy life that she desired, being a kept woman, which Satoru didnât even mind. He would love to take care of the girl he marries so she doesnât have to worry about anything, he wants kids some day, too. None of that was the issue â it was her.
Imagining the life he damn near almost had and how hollow it would feel had him sick to his stomach if he lingered on it for too long.
So he doesnât.
He looks down at the way the pinks and golds in the sky are setting behind you, and just how fucking pretty you look like this, your eyes so nervous and glimmery, your cheeks hot to the touch. Your pretty lips all parted, slightly swollen from his very kisses, his kisses.
His.
You were his.
Or, you would be â there was not one world where Satoru would let this go, would let you go from him.
âAre you ready for our date, pretty?â He asks now, trying to lighten the slightly heavy mood, the lingering tension of a girl who should be gone from your mind, but one who is clearly still there.
He can read you like a book, itâs insanity to think he never could read the fact that you liked him back.Â
Like wasnât really the word for what he felt, not even close.
âI am so excited,â you admit, giggling and kissing him again, Satoru opens the car door for you, but his hand lingers on your lower back as you slide in, his fingers tracing the curve of your hip through the soft material.
âGod your ass in this - I mean!?â
âSatoru Gojo!â You smack at him and he blushes, looking rightfully abashed. âYou pervert!â
âFuck itâs like my mouth just said it without my brain connecting,â he grimaces and shakes his head as you snort, rolling your eyes and letting him slide in beside you, a hand on your thigh. âForgive me, pretty?â
âThe dinner better be good.â
âMhm, of course it will be.â
A date with Satoru Gojo â the inner youth in you is fucking flipping out, right along with current you.
*****
Satoruâs hand is on your thigh so casually as the two of you sit next to each other in the little booth, his thumb stroking little circles on your skin that inch higher and higher, just to dart right back down. Maddening, like a second nature as the two of you peer at the menu, though you canât focus on a goddamn thing.
Every time you shift in the plush bench, you feel the friction of the seat against your twitchy lil clit, already craving him so damn bad, the memories of the way he flicked his tongue on it swirling through your head. He looks at you as you move again, hips shifting, this smirk on his lips.
âYou keep shifting like that and weâre not gonna make it to dinner,â he murmurs softly, leaning low. You gasp.
âYouâd have me not eat!?â
âIâd be the one eating,â he teases, you exhale, a breathy little laugh escaping your lips as he moves his hand higher, teasing that skin there, you damn near press his hand between your thighs you clench up so tight. âOh, you like that idea?â
âYou know I do, bratty boy,â his fingers press firmly against your panty clad cunt for a brief moment, and you barely fucking bite back a moan, burying your face against the crook of his neck, hoping no one could hear your little gasp. âToruâŠ.â
âFuck, youâre already soaking through these panties, hmm?â You just nod, your face burning as you shift once more, his fingertips brushing over where youâre swollen and needy. âAll from thinking of me?â
âYouâre teasinâ me, meanie,â he laughs softly, shaking his head as you nip his neck with your teeth, earning his own little soft moan. âRevenge.â
âRevenge, hmm?â
âMhmâŠâ The waitress comes, having you both separate, she is bright and bubbly as she damn near gives Satoru her number, just for him to politely ignore her advances.
The audacity of people never serves to blow you away.
Yet in that very moment, you know all the attention is right on you, even as his damn phone goes off â itâs on vibrate as youâre both sipping on wine, nibbling on appetizers together. Yet it keeps buzzing on the table, moving in little circles itâs vibrating so fucking hard â Satoru glances at it, his jaw tightening a bit visibly.
âWanna check?â
âNo.â
âToru it could be your parents, SuguruâŠâ He sighs at that, picking up the phone and peeking at it, frowning, shoving it into his pocket with a hasty little gesture.
âNot them.â
Ah.
âSarah?â you ask softly, unsure of just how to bring it up, heâs clearly frustrated at her incessant calling.
âShe clearly canât stand the thought of me not being at her beck and call anymore,â Satoru sighs and looks at you, forking a bite of food in your mouth. âOpen up now.â
âYou canât say that,â he laughs softly, clearly trying to ease the tension, as you chew thoughtfully. âMmm, itâs yummy.â
âIt is,â you laugh again, when he reaches his hand over to you, his fingertips brushing against the corner of your mouth, where a little drop fell. The contact alone has your pulse just racing. âVery yummy.â
âWill I be finding out tonight?â You tease, then gasp. âOh my god, I said that!?â
âYeah you did,â heâs damn near snorting as you playfully shove him, feeling that blush rush across your cheeks, especially when his fingertips slide down the side of your neck, tracing the line of your collarbone, leaving goosebumps everywhere as the tension builds even deeper.
God itâs hard not to slide on his lap.
Youâve never felt this, and itâs terrifying.
The only thing that breaks up the tension is when that phone starts ringing again, buzzing in his pocket, he peers at it and glares.
âToruâŠâ
âShe can fuck right off. Iâm busy with you,â your lips tremble a bit, he grabs his fork and feeds you more. âVery busy.â
âGood,â you answer softly. âIâd get jealous.â
âOh yeah?â He raises a brow and you nod, making him chuckle. âYouâre fucking adorable.â
âAdorable, Iâm serious!â
âI wonât make you jealous, everâŠâ He leans close, cupping your face once more. âAll my undivided attention is here, okay?â
âI do?â He hums and nods, capturing your mouth in another sweet kiss, one that lingers and feels you so full, you canât help but sigh and lean into it.
âIâm all yours tonight,â he grins, letting you feel the lines of his teeth. âSounds slutty, doesnât it?â
âIt does a bit,â youâre so nervous now â Satoru is absolutely the more experienced one, and you wonât know what youâre doing when you try to please him. But damned if that will stop you from trying. âAll mine?â
âMhm.â
*****
The tension is damn near unbearable when the two of you get back in the car, and the two glasses of pinot are rushing through your veins, making you dizzy.
âI had so much fun,â you say softly as he pulls out of the parking lot, his hand right back on your thigh, possessive, so fucking warm. Itâs not teasing like at the restaurant, itâs firmly sitting there, squeezing almost too hard. âDid you?â
âI did,â you hear his sigh. âToo much fucking fun.â
âIt was! I canât believe we went on a date,â heâs laughing again softly at how cute you are, with the lights shining in the car as he drives through the nearly empty streets at night, his fingertips trailing up towards that heat.
âWe went on a date,â he slips his fingers past the hem of your dress, pushing aside the soaked fabric of your panties to find your slick, swollen folds, eliciting a filthy little whine from your throat. âFuck⊠youâre even wetterâŠâ
âAll your fault,â you mumble, arching your hips, leaning closer. âHad me thinking of your promise.â
âOh?â He feels how soaked you are, groaning out at it â his eyes flicking between you and the road, as he glides a lengthy finger through your wet, puffy folds, so hot he canât imagine how good itâd feel around him. âAll this thinking of sucking my cock, really?â
âYes⊠ah! W-wannaâŠâ Your head falls back against the seat as he finds your clit now, circling it with a practiced ease that has you petty and jealous as fuck that Sarah got it, you shove it right out of your mind, knowing itâs nonsense.
You wish it was only ever you two and thatâs fucking ridiculous, what this boy makes you feel, as youâre rolling your hips against his hand, craving even more.
âWanna what, hmm? Canât talk?â
âTease,â you moan in frustration when he pulls his fingers off, sucking one and making you gasp. âToru⊠could I try now?â
âSucking my cock driving!?!â
âYes?â His eyes widen, fingers falling from his lips as you start panicking just a bit at your bold ass words. âI mean⊠no? I meanâŠ. Yes.â
âFuckâŠâ
Is he in a dream?
âYou really wanna?â Heâs almost nervous, yes heâs done that a lot with Sarah, but this was you â sweet, innocent, band geek girl who heâs played alongside since the damn sandbox at the playground.
What if he hurt your mouth?
What if he gagged you?
What if you hit some speedbump and you bit it on accident, if you-
âI do want to try um, only if you want,â you whisper, he can hardly hold his thoughts together, mind swirling with every thought ever as you look at him all pretty in the night, your scent clinging to him, taste ruining his senses. âI wanna please you like you did.â
âAnything you do will,â he murmurs, leaning back as you all hit a red light and nervously fumbling with his zipper like itâs his damn first time, the metallic rasp of it echoing in the car, mixing with the quiet him. You bite down on your lip, undoing your seatbelt to lean over, a strap falling down your shoulder to reveal some of your pretty collarbone. âGod, look at you.â
He frees his cock with a pathetic little whine, and it slaps hard against his stomach, thick and heavy, just leaking pre-cum right down that swollen tip, reddened with how badly he needs you. âToru⊠youâre hard fromâŠâ
âTouching you? God, yes,â you lean forward, ever trusting, as he takes your hand and wraps it around him, exhaling, the light turns green and he very reluctantly starts driving, his hand leaving yours now, slipping up the back of your hair on your neck and entangling there as you kneel. âFeel what you do to me, pretty girl? Feel how hard I am for you?â
âYes,â itâs heady, knowing you have this effect on him, as you stroke him carefully, your thumb swiping over the slick head, swirling that pre right around, earning his little groan, his head tilting back against the seat for just a moment. âShould I put my mouth around you?â
âGod, please,â he laughs now. âGot me pathetic.â
âNo, Toru,â you lap your tongue to gather it, climbing so youâre right on your knees with your ass up as he drives, his hand tightening when you wrap your mouth around his fat tip and suck. âMnnhâŠâ
âFuckinâ perfect, shit,â heâs having trouble with just the tip in your mouth, thatâs how fucked you have him as you suck, and he canât stop the sounds escaping his mouth, ones Sarah would have made fun of if she could have ever even gotten them from him.
Youâre so different.
You moan at his whimpers, you arch higher, soft and sweet how you suck, like youâre worried to hurt him â each bump on the road knocking his cock deeper in your throat. Stretching it, burning it, making him suck in a breath â whispering your name in a way that has you slick when he finds you over your panties.
âOh sweetheart, youâre even wetter,â he runs his fingers underneath your panties, right along your bare, dripping folds, finding your hole and plunging right inside.
After teasing it all damn evening, his fingertip that pulls out and drags against your sensitive clit is almost too much, youâre drooling down his cock, taking him even deeper. âMnh!â
âLike that?â he asks softly, his voice husky and deep â so fucking low it hits some part of you that makes you clench around him, as you swallow around his cock, slurping up every bit of pre that spurts out. âYouâre doing so good, thatâs it â donât even have to tell you what to do.â
The praise fucks you up furthher, as heâs dragging his shaft through your wet mouth, his fingers pumping in and out of your slick pussy, she sucks two fingers in far easier than last time, so full with those callouses inside you the sensation is too hard to articulate. Your brain is all addled as you take more, until youâre choking on him, spit falling right around.
âOh myâŠâ Heâs at another red light, hand pulling hard at your hair, his hips bucking up. âYou takinâ cock like that? Choking just for me?â
âMhm,â is your only response, your hands gripping his thighs, the denim rough underneath your skin as your head starts moving with his guidance. Heâs bucking his hips up in a desperate, needy little rhythm as your lashes flutter shut, the noises just urging you on.
âAre you okay, baby?â He pauses when you gag, you pull back, looking at him with dazed eyes and dripping lips, nodding. âYou sure?â
âI like choking on itâŠâ
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Satoru knows he doesnât have much longer, so fucking drunk off your mouth that he doesnât notice the green lights, the horns behind you both, your mouth landing right back on his length. He hits another speed bump, shoving his cock so deep he feels your tiny throat stretching, his fingers landing back in your hair to try to tug you up, leaving your pussy empty.
âSorry, shit, IâŠâ
âNo,â you murmur now, your tongue focusing on his tip, hand stroking his spit soaked cock as he drives. âPlease, I like it.â
âCanât take it,â he pulls right in front of your dorm now, dragging you on his lap, completely and utterly done for when he kisses the white off your mouth, tongue lavishing alongside yours as he drags your bare cunt against him, your thighs trembling on either side of him once heâs in park. âI need to feel her.â
âToru IâŠâ
âWonât take your first time like this baby,â he reassures you immediately, gliding his tip through your swollen folds, hearing your every little sigh and whine as the steering wheel presses against.â
âWhat if I want it?â He pauses, cursing and resting his head against your chest, sighing.
âNot gonna fuck you in the car for the first, sorry,â he sighs at your cute little pout. âDidnât you wanna wait a bit?â
âNot now.â
Satoru chuckles, grinding against you once more, watching your head fall back as he kisses up your throat. âOh? Now youâre so ready, hmm?â
âVery,â, the friction is unbearably sweet, each jerk of his hips and drag of his cock against your clit shooting hot need right through you. The purring hum of his car is filled with the wet, slick sounds of your cunt on him, with the light whir of that air conditioner blowing on your skin. âI want it.â
âI want you,â he murmurs now, leaning back to tug your panties aside and slip his seat back, his eyes darting right to where youâre gliding and making a mess on him, watching his cock disappear and reappear from between your folds, picturing how good itâll look when itâs in your stomach. âYouâre so fucking wet for me, hmm? Making such a mess.â
He grabs your ass now, firmer than before â his long fingers digging into the soft flesh of it as he takes control of the pace, rutting even faster, kissing up your collarbone as your head falls to the side.
âToru, in meâŠâ
âWanna lose it on the first date, baby? Tsk,â you shove at him playfully, making his eyes light up, and you pause.
Even if itâs filthy straddling Satoru Gojo like this, even if heâs leaking pre against your twitchy, needy clit, his eyes lighting up in the dark?
Itâs so sweet.
Itâs what you missed the most about him since he endured Sarah, the light youâd give anything to see again, right here, as heâs moving you up and down, fucking your panties when they slip back. His tip presses in and out, stretching the cotton, making it completely soaked and nearly transparent with the mix of fluids.Â
All while you peek at him under your lashes, so much left unsaid between the two of you.
âWhat is it? Hmm?â He is teasing you now grinding against your cunt, the rough denim of his jeans brushing against your inner thighs in a way that makes you even wetter. You can feel the pressure inside you building up so tight, this burning hot need in your stomach as you moan out, kissing him and rolling your hips right with his guidance.
âYour eyes,â you whisper, nose nuzzling his for just a moment as he pauses. âThey're so happy right now.â
He can't stop the grin on his damn face.
âThat's because of you,â you melt, kissing him messier now. âGot me all corny.â
âI like âŠ. It, Toru⊠IâmâŠâ you can barely form the words you need anymore, your body trembling as he lifts and drags you down, every kiss stealing your breath. âGonna c-cum, IâŠâ
âMe too, sweetheart,â he whispers out the words, his voice a hot breath against your lips. âCum with me, yeah? Let me feel you soak my cock with all that pretty slick, please? Just for me.â
His words and his jerky motions are your undoing, the way he asks is so damn cute as if he's not this close to slamming you down on his cock. His tip hits your clit one more time, and you shatter over him, blinding pleasure so intense you see white hot stars behind your closed eyes.
âLook at me,â you try to obey, gasping out as you squirt right on him, your cunt clenching and pulsing around nothing as you gush. âGood girl. Fuck⊠good⊠girlâŠâ
He's kissing you as he feels your slickness rushing down him, making the glide even easier, pushing him right over with you.
âGood girlâŠâ he murmurs again, having you tremble from aftershocks and cling tightly to his shoulders, cursing when he finally cums right on you.
You gasp when you feel it â those hot, thick puffy ropes of white cum spurting against your cunt, so much some sticks to your stomach and pussy, coating your skin in a warm, sticky mess. He keeps grinding against you even after, even as he is so clearly desperate and needy, drawing out both of your pleasure orgasm as he pulses and twitches.
âGod,â he groans out, the sound muffled against your neck, his teeth sinking into your skin as he bucks up a few more times, until you're both twitchy, oversensitive little messes.
For a moment, you both just breathe together and kiss softly, the only sounds in the now steamed up sports car are those, the whines, the whimpers, the hasty little murmurs of your names.
You can feel the frantic thrumming of your pulse, making you dizzy as you fall against him, whole body weak from pleasure.
If that's what just dry humping or panty fucking was, what was sex?
How would you take that!?
âFuck I never thought I would feel this,â he finally whispers, after he catches his breath a bit, pressing soft, lingering little kisses along the curve of your shoulder, his hands coming up to stroke your back in little circles, easing back to study you.
God he is pretty like this.
âYou okay. Baby, too much?â
You nod quickly, still so shy you hug him tightly, your face buried in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent as you gather yourself. âMhm.â
âYou sure?â You nod again, too overwhelmed to speak with the sensation of still feeling his cum against your skin, feeling the intimacy.
âI am. Promise, just was⊠too good?â
He chuckles softly. âYeah it was, I think I blacked out for a second there.â
You lift your head and giggle, a shy smile playing on your lips, brushing some of his hair back from his damp forehead, seeing just how affected he is too. âNo way?â
âYeah I really did.â
In the reflection of his dark, glassy eyes. you're just the mirror image of him. Fucked out andâŠ
In love.
He looks utterly wrecked, just like you, and a part of you can't help but love it â love that you did that to him.
He reaches up, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear, sighing as he studies you. âYouâre so pretty, look at you.â
You blush at the praise, biting your lip. âYou are.â
âAm I. Hmm?â He smirks lazily.
âVery, conceited boy, you already knowâŠâ
You are so in love it hurts.
Satoru is achingly gentle as he shifts you, eyeing the mess between you, his cum splattered across your stomach and the delicate silk of your dress, making him blush to the tips of his ears, seeing the crinkled material.
âShit. I ruined your dress!â
You glance down and laugh softly, shaking your head.âItâs just a dress, it'll wash. It was so worth it.â
âWas it?â You giggle all cute again, ruining him. âWell, good⊠but, still, just lemme clean you up, yeah?â
Satoru is sweet and gentle as he carefully wipes the sticky fluid from your skin, that blush on his cheeks even redder as he sees just how much he came, his gaze still flickering back and forth between your eyes and the white on your skin.
âYou were messy too,â you tease, he canât help but grin as he kisses across your neck once more, wiping you carefully and easing your soaked cunt off him reluctantly.
âVery⊠there,â Satoru smooths your dress down over your soft thighs, his hands lingering on your hips and pressing in, despite the wrinkling of the fabric, you still looked so fucking pretty in it.
âAll better?â
âMhm, just perfect...â
He just holds you for a while after that on his lap, the sweetest hug after you are coming down from your high, back rubbed gently by his big hand, so soothing you feel yourself almost falling asleep.
It feels perfect with your head resting on his strong chest, his arms wrapped tightly around you, as the two of you match each otherâs breathing, so much left to say that the silence is deafening.
Yet, itâs so new to you.
And heâs been hurt.
So for now, you both just snuggle, even as his phone buzzes again from his pocket, a persistent little fucking reminder that Sarah wasnât just going to give up â despite treating Satoru like shit. The thoughts have your tummy flipping.
âShould you at least tell her to stop?â
âNo, I wonât acknowledge her damn existence,â he says, taking the phone and putting it off vibrate now, grimacing and the amount of nasty ass texts and calls.
âWhat did she say?â
âDumb shit that doesnât matter,â he deletes the entire conversation, cupping your face once he sets down the phone. âRight now, this is all that matters, okay? You and me.â
You tilt your head back to look at him, your heart swelling. âSatoru⊠IâŠâ
You swallow nervously, the words at the very tip of your tongue â It's too fast, even if you have known him forever. Satoru needs time to heal.Â
So for now, you just cup his face right back, letting him nuzzle and kiss your palm so cute your heart breaks.
The boy you always loved, youâre in his arms.
âI loved tonight, so much,â he grins again at that, bright white teeth against his face at your words. âI love the smile on your face tonight, and how your eyes are lit up so bright.â
âI feel the same looking at you,â he whispers, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. âMe too, so much. I can't wait for the formal.â
âOh my god, me too!â
He walks you back up after a little bit, lingering in your doorway, unable to stop kissing you over and over, almost having to literally tear himself off since he has football God awful early.
But it's damn near impossible not to beg to sleep next to you.
âGood night, sweets,â he says finally, after a million little kisses, seeing just how sleepy you are.
âIâll be at your practice tomorrow!â
âNo, youâre so tiredâŠâ
âI wanna go,â you yawn again, hugging him tightly. âI wanna be at every practice for you.â
His heart is melting as he kisses the top of your head.
âThen Iâll be here to pick you up, okay?â
âMhm,â you sigh, never wanting to leave his embrace as sleep already tugs at you. âGânight Toru.â
He keeps ignoring that phone after he leaves you and heads back, only for Sarah to lose her shit â glaring as she paces back and forth, before she looks up your dorm information, smiling.
She'd have to just pay you a visit in the morning, to make sure you knew your place.
*****
You expect it to be Satoru when you yawn and open up the door, the love note in your hand â but itâs not him.
Itâs Sarah.
Your heart races in your chest when she smiles all mean and jacks it right out of your hand, laughing.
pairing: avengers x reader (platonic)
summary: Lila leaned forward on her knees, eyes wide again. âIs that your organ story? Do you have dead parents also? Cooper says a real superheros ususaly have dead parents.â
ââŠUm, no. But maybe we should stop listening to Cooper, yeah? Also, itâs origin story, not organ.â
or
It was an accident, really. She didnât mean to fall into another universe and get superpowers. And she sure as hell didnât mean to join a not so perfect team who lowkey hate each other. And yet, weâre here.
( post-TASM 2 / Age of Ultron - Infinity War )
word count: 1.7k
authorâs note: hi!!! while Iâm working on yggf, iâm gonna start posting my marvel fic here after watching the trailer for doomsday! hope you guys like it! iâm actually rewriting it from an OC to a reader currently!
buy my a coffee!
âI will only ask you this one last time.â A heavily accented voice growled. âWhere. Did you. Come from?â
There was a tightness in your throat, just as tight if not tighter than the restraints wrapped around your wrists.
A soft whimper and a croak later, you spoke, âI donât remember.â
He hummed, as if truly disappointed by the answer. âWell, thatâs a shame, dear. And you seem quite distraught about it too. PerhapsâŠâ His cold fingers brushed along your cheek. You jolted away almost instantly. ââŠPerhaps, I can help with that.â
The man stepped away, but he didnât leave the room. There wasnât much to make out of the room, not with a bright light blinding your vision and straps wrapped around your forehead, preventing any movements from looking around.
âWanda, be a dear.â
Before you could realize what he meant or figure out who this Wanda person was, something in your mind caused it to slow and grow hazy. Something slithered into the depths of your swirling thoughts, something grabbed at your murky memories and pulled them forward with sure and steady fingers.
The last thing you saw before everything went black was a flash of scarlet.
The image replayed itself over and over again. It wouldnât leave your dreams.
It was always the same every time.Â
She was falling. Falling. Falling. Falling. Falling.Â
And he was reaching for her, flying down the clock tower, desperately trying to catch her. To stop her before she...
You squeezed your eyes shut and covered your ears before your best friend would hit the ground with a sickening crack. Dying instantly.
Back then and even now, if you believed if you had closed your eyes, then all the bad things would go away.Â
You were nine years old again, trembling in a childâs bedroom, trying to ignore the wall shaking from your fatherâs booming voice. Trying to will the tears to stop when the front door slammed shut, leaving the cold house with nothing but silence and your motherâs desperate cries for his absent ghost.
Maybe you couldâve comforted your crying mother. But instead, you were nine years old, staring at the door that would never open again that night.
Maybe you couldâve gone after him, chasing his car as it disappeared down the street, screaming, shouting, begging him to stay. Begging him to choose you instead of freedom.
Instead, you were nine years old. Stripped of nothing but utter shame. Regret. Useless.
You couldâve stopped her. Gwen Stacy was a stubborn woman born from an equally stubborn father who was the former chief of police. You couldâve convinced her to let Peter handle it, to let him save the day like he always did.
But no. You were eighteen years old. Curled away in a corner, just a few feet away from where your best friendâs body laid. Eyes screwed shut, hot tears streaming your face, and ears covered.
Itâll go away. Itâll go away. Itâll go away. Itâll go away.
Wails were what startled you out of your silent chant. It was then your eyes snapped open on instinct and upon seeing Gwen lying still and limp in Peterâs arms, the realization fell upon your bruised shoulders. Breaths short and a strained cry leaving your lips.
You couldâve stopped her. But instead you were nine years old again. Frozen. Hiding away. Useless.
Time was different for those who were dabbling between shock and the unyielding, unforgiving wave of grief. One often forgets their surroundings. The other forgets, only for a moment, that they are not alone. That they are not the only one grieving.
Through the river streams of tears, you realized that they were still at the bottom of a destroyed clocktower with distant sirens rattling your brain. Peter had looked up at you as if it were the first time he noticed you there, briefly coming up for air of his own ocean.
You stared at each other but neither of you considered one another. You felt as if you were staring right through him; there was nothing you were looking at. You were staring and doing everything in your power to not have a panic attack.
It was an inevitable truth that the body had to be left here. You never truly considered that when Peter quietly grabbed you and swung the both of you out of the clocktower before the police could arrive on the scene. It didnât set in until you arrived at your apartment that Gwen Stacy was gone. That Mrs. Stacy had lost yet another person she loved not only a year after losing her husband. That Peter had lost his first love. That you had lost your best friend.
Peter, as soon as you were in your apartment, as soon as you closed the balcony curtains, the world couldnât see that Spider-Man had fallen to his knees in your living room.
He hadnât put his mask on after leaving the clocktower. It was sheer luck that no one was paying close attention while you had been swinging through the city. It was the most vulnerable you had ever seen him. Not since the death of his uncle. He was silent in the way that the room went dead quiet around him as well. Nothing in the room dared to make a sound. His head hung low, shadows practically covering most of his face.
You quietly walked over to him and knelt to the floor next to him, watching as silent tears slid down his cheeks.
âI was too late.â
Up until this point neither of you had uttered a word ever since leaving the clocktower. But even now, you had no clue what you could say. What does anyone say to something like this?
âI was too late.â He whispered, shaking his head. âThis is all my fault, I shouldâve...I couldâve...â He cut himself off with a sob.
You hugged his arm gently, resting your head on his shaking shoulder. Words betrayed you and died away almost instantly. All you could do was comfort him. You had to do something. Anything.
For awhile, the two of you stayed like this. Time was irrelevant. The night had become day. You had still yet to say anything. Eyes droopy but never closed unlike Peter who practically cried himself to sleep, his head currently lying in your lap. Still on the floor with your back against the edge of the couch. Staying in this crumpled heap of sorrow.
It wasnât until the early morning sun broke through your curtains did you become restless. Which was humorlessly ironic considering you never once slept.
So, after gently replacing your lap with a soft pillow for Peterâs head, you went to the kitchen and allowed your hands do whatever they wanted. Having a part time job at a diner while going to school didnât give you a lot of food options in the kitchen, but you worked with what you had.
Which ended up being microwaveable pancakes and a dozen eggs. You could work with that. There was even enough to make for Peter when he woke up. And so, for the past hour, you had kept yourself busy and moving. Cleaning the kitchen, making a cup of coffee, and the organizing the fridge.
By the time you were cooking the eggs, Peter had woken up.
You paused, watching him squint his eyes open and then suddenly shoot up from the floor, looking around the room frantically. Calling your name.
âRight, here, Pete.â
Peter turned as you moved out of the kitchen, spatula in hand. He was staring at you now, both relieved, confused, and panicked.
âI couldnât sleep and decided to make some breakfast.â You gave a small smile, hoping to ease the tenseness in his shoulders even though youâd never had that type of effect on him. Instead, he only frowned. His eyes downcast and away from yours. âDonât worry! I made enough for the both of us. Scrambled hard, right? Or are you one of those weirdos that likes it wet?â You were trying. You had to do something. Anything.
âNo, I canât.â
You frowned but expected the reply. âIâll leave some anyway. I donât think itâs a good idea to not eat in this state. Iâll just make a plate and set it aside for youââ
âNo. I canât.â
It was the way he said that made you realize what he meant. You gripped the spatula tighter, breaths quickening, âPeter?â You watched him grab his mask from the floor and begin pacing. âPeter, pleaseââ
The way he said your name. The way his voice shook. The way he looked at you now. As if you were something fragile. He shook his head, eyes glass. âI canât do that to you.â
âDonât do that, Pete.â You argued. âDonât push me away, okay? We canât do that to each other. Youâre my best friend, right?â He didnât look at you. âNothing can change that, alright? I wonât let itââ
Peter continued shaking his head, âYes, you will.â
âDamn it, Peter! I fucking wonâtââ
âThis is exactly how it happened! This is exactly how she...â Peterâs voice wavered, hand running nervously though his hair. âI-I let her in, I got her involved. I broke a promise and now sheâs...sheâs...â He started looking around the room in panic, like he realized just where he was. âI-I canâtâI shouldnât be here.â
Peter pulled on his mask and rushed toward the balcony. You ran forward, eyes blurring. âPeter, wait!â
But he had already leaped off. You could see the web sling across the city, away from your apartment.
A sob shook your body as you sunk down onto the wooden coffee table, muffling your cries into your arm. All of last nightâs events finally came hitting like a violent wave.
You couldâve comforted your crying mother.
You couldâve stopped Gwen.
You couldâve begged Peter to stay and tell Spider-Man to leave just once.
Someone who is easily ignored. Easily left behind.
You couldâve done something. You couldâve done something.
So, fucking useless.
A blaring sound from the smoke alarm reached your ears. The stove had been left on for too long.
And when you numbly got up to turn it off, you saw that the eggs for you and Peter were burnt.
simon 'ghost' riley x f!reader | soulmate!au | 12.8k (oops)
Just because you were bonded, Ghost was all too aware, didn't mean you would stay together.
this is part 2 to faultlines in which Ghost didnât want a soulmate, and he was sure, if they existed, that they didnât want him either.
cw; soulmate!au in which soulmates share scars, abandonment issues, loneliness, references to self-harm, lots of talk about scars, angst, fluff, references to domestic abuse and past violence, references to simon's past, descriptions of pain, description of torture, canon typical violence, military inaccuracies, miscommunication, touch aversion, reallllly slow slowburn, ghost being sort of really bad and weird at affection and communication, making out, two people being so weird and intense about each other
Simon was not familiar with comfort.
It was unsettling, to be sat among cushions and piles of blankets, soft white light from the lamp heâd flicked on for you hours ago. Outside, the sun was beginning to rise, a spill of dusky, deep purple lightening the horizon, like someone had overturned a paint can. Â
His hands were curled into fists; his mask lay abandoned on the arm of your sofa. There was a basket of knitting to his left, a sweater sleeve unfurled over the side. Books lined several shelves, plants were gathered in the same terracotta pots as the ones in your office, in a neat fist beneath the window that overlooked the street.Â
It looked and felt like a home.Â
Simon couldnât remember the last time he felt truly at home somewhere. He stayed on base when he could; his flat was little more than a bed and a kettle.Â
He was watching the front door and listening to the domestic sounds of you puttering around the kitchen one room over.Â
âPlease,â you had said when he started to stand to follow you, fingers careful against his jaw, cradling his face as though he were something that deserved to be cradled. âYouâre exhausted. Just stay here.âÂ
So he did. So he was.Â
Patiently waiting for you to return, replaying the last few hours. Unwilling to admit it was with anxiety.Â
Your presence was a tug behind his navel, an urging to relocate closer to you, a glowing point of light he needed to seek out, swallow.Â
Simon wished things had gone differently. His own fucking fault for leaving things as they were, for thinking he could remain close to you, deal with the ancient pain in his chest because it was just another ache to add to the collection, with you never the wiser.Â
It wasnât fair to you.Â
He had never particularly cared about fair before.
He wondered what it felt like to you.Â
He couldnât imagine you felt warmth.Â
Ghost was a lot of things. Warm was not one of them.Â
But he had spent the last several hours with you in his arms, your lips against his, tracing scar for scar, memorizing each of the marks you had given him somewhere in the chaos of his own.
Simon might not remember where every scar on his body originated, but he was going to know all of yours. He wanted to know where you laid on his skin, every mark heâd ever overlooked. He would have a perfect catalogue of knowledge.Â
It was odd to be touched, and not exactly comfortable, not after so many years of covering his skin, insulating himself from any touch.Â
Touch meant harm.Â
It was a fact heâd learned very young, a lesson learned again and again, only compounded by life in the military where even friendly touch was tinged with roughness out of necessity.Â
Your hands on his skin felt like being peeled apart, unzipped, insides poked at. He didnât mind.Â
Nothing could have made him pull away from you.Â
Your fingers had traced the back of his neck, the soft, vulnerable space behind his ear. The touch was tentative. If he shifted even a little, you had retracted your hand.Â
A floorboard creaked, he glanced up as you appeared in the doorway.Â
âSimon?âÂ
You held out a hand.Â
He stood and took it before his brain could catch up, all instinct.Â
He had meant it, when he said you deserved better. But it was a commitment, a promise, too, when he said he was all you got.Â
.
.
.
Captain John Price was standing in your office.Â
You halted in the doorway with a cup of coffee, hot ceramic searing into your fingers. âCaptain Price,â you said. âGood morning, sir.âÂ
âGâmorning,â he answered with a nod.Â
âIs there something I can help you with?â You asked, crossing the room to deposit your cup at the edge of your desk. âWould you like a cup of tea? Coffee?âÂ
He shook his head, âThank you. Take a seat.âÂ
It felt wrong to sit behind your desk, so you dropped into Simonâs usual seat, tugging the black and blue blanket youâd knitted for him months ago into your lap. Price took the opposite chair. It had so often gone unused, aside from the odd analyst debriefing a too long meeting, until Kyle and Johnny began frequenting your office too.Â
Price didnât say anything for a moment, brows lowered, mouth a considering line. You fidgeted beneath his piercing stare.Â
âGhost told you,â you guessed after a few beats of painful, weighted silence.Â
He nodded after another long moment. âWe knew,â he admitted, eyes finally flicking away as he adjusted in the chair.Â
âI guessed as much.â
âBut,â he continued, sitting forward. âNow you know.â
You felt, suddenly, as though you were about to receive a lecture or a reprimand. You swallowed thickly, and nodded, chewing your lower lip. âItâs not ideal,â you acknowledged. âI know how bad it is.âÂ
He was quiet again, watching you. You shifted, uncomfortable under his scrutiny, not sure what you were being evaluated for or how to pass muster. âHe had to tell you,â Price said eventually, not unkindly, âIt was only a matter of time.âÂ
The words had to landed perhaps harder than Price meant them to. It had only been a few days since you saw Simonâs face, since you bonded, and you still felt wrong about how it had happened. You werenât sure if you ever wouldnât feel wrong about how it happened. You shouldnât have kissed him; you should have been able to let him go.Â
The knowledge hung like an invisible weight around your neck, that you were not something Simon wanted, but an unwelcome inevitability.Â
The memory of his touch, his extended presence in your apartment that weekend, made you feel a little ill on reflection. You should not have touched him, shouldnât have kissed him, probably should not have seen his face at all. It all felt like a choice he wasnât allowed to make.Â
You werenât quite sure where you and Simon stood now. Inextricably linked but to what end? What were you to him but something to manage?
I didnât want to tell you. I never wanted you to know.Â
Your belly clenched at the memory of the words, the heavy weight of the admission in his mouth.Â
Maybe that was all soulmates ever were, an inescapable obligation and nothing more. Maybe the whole thing had been romanticized to the point of becoming something amorphous and unrecognizable.Â
But when you thought of what he was to youâ
Mine, you thought immediately and unhelpfully, possessively.
It stung like salt in a wound. Â
He was anything but.Â
The warm glow of the newly stitched bond in your chest was accompanied by a different ache, a more mundane one. A bleak cloud of heartache. Â
The cruelty of it, the unfairness, smarted. Youâd always assumed that discovery would mean an end to the lonely isolation youâd felt your whole life, not an evolution of it. There was still nowhere for you to go, no safe place for you to settle, no person that wanted and accepted you.Â
You thought of the torment of the untethered bond. It had been excruciatingly painful, and you had only bore it for a few hours. And Simon had hidden it from you for months. His dedication to keeping you out, at a distance, spoke louder than any words could.Â
It was akin to sitting next to a muzzled dog. He was chained to you. On a leash he could never escape.Â
But youâd gladly keep your loneliness, if it meant he wasnât in pain. You just wished you didnât have to; you wished you belonged.Â
Maybe heâd left the bond too long and it had corroded, shorn down into a jagged point. It could never cause anything but agony between you.Â
You pinched your palm. âYeah,â you agreed. âHe had to.â
Price cleared his throat, sighed. âItâs not just Simon,â he said, âthat has to worry about you now. Youâre a vulnerability to all of us, to my team.âÂ
âI know,â you said again, because it had already occurred to you. That you now knew exceedingly dangerous information, how easy it would be for someone to make the leap of logic that you were important.Â
âBetter, for now, that it stays between us.â His eyes met yours, intense, serious and steady.Â
Though you knew he was right, though youâd already had a similar conversation with Simon, it still hurt somehow, still felt like what you imagined having a knife stuck through your ribs must feel like.Â
The discovery of a soulmate was supposed to be something that was celebrated. Announced to family and friends, parties thrown, congratulations given.Â
It was also, by nature of the rarity, something to fixate on. It had led to pairs being featured in the news, followed by throngs of people convinced that their proximity to a bonded pair alone would aid their chances of finding their own.Â
You did not want that, but it would be nice to tell your cross hall neighbor that had become a friend, or your sister. It would be nice to be able to tell anyone. The pride you should feel was replaced instead with something closer to shame.Â
You would only ever be a liability. Something to manage, something to hide. Not just for Simon, but for his team as well.Â
You were holding something so rare, something most people searched for their whole lives, and instead of letting it lie in the palm of your hand like the extraordinary sun soaked pearl it was, you had to close your fingers around it, relegate it to the dark cave of your fist.Â
âI understand, sir. I havenât told anyone. I wonât tell anyone.âÂ
Price relaxed a little then, leaning back in his chair. âGood.â
You fiddled with the blanket in your lap, calmer for the scent that lingered in the fibers and sloughed off it in waves from all the time it spent behind Simonâs shoulders, tea and tobacco, the faintest hint of summer grass lingering between. All those times youâd laid on it in the sun, inhaling his scent blooming in the air around you, soothed, flashed through your mind.Â
Those summer months seemed a lifetime ago. A different you. A different Ghost.Â
You glanced out the window.Â
The world beyond the glass was gray with autumn drizzle; the bright red and orange fan of changing leaves raked at low hanging clouds. The air was chilly, and already threatening a cutting, winter iciness. With luck, you wouldnât be stationed in England for much longer, and then none of you would have to worry about your inconvenient bond.Â
âIf the lads havenât said yet,â Price began as he stood, one broad hand landing on your shoulder heavily, âCongratulations. Glad Simon finally pulled his head out of his arse. I was beginning to worry.âÂ
You glanced up in surprise, lips parted. The small smile on Priceâs face faded. âSimon. . .â he started, then stopped. He contemplated his next words carefully before he continued. âSimon is more sensitive than he appears. Youâll take care of him.âÂ
The notion of Simon needing anyone for anything, should have been a laughable one, but coming from Price, it felt like the world tilting onto your shoulders. The 141 were a strange little family in their own right, one you were now an unfortunate interloper of.Â
They looked out for each other, now you were being tasked with the same.Â
Price wasnât asking a question.Â
You answered anyway.Â
âOf course I will.âÂ
He squeezed your shoulder once and let his hand fall away.Â
Ten minutes later, your coffee cold and abandoned at the corner of your desk, you were still sitting in Simonâs chair, picking at the blanket and anxiously worrying at your bottom lip. Â
It had just started to bleed, the tang of copper dripping onto your tongue, when Johnny and Kyle appeared at your door, Simon looming large and imposing behind them with Price in tow.Â
You stood, wondering if youâd been that lost in your thoughts that you hadnât noticed the hall outside lurching into motion around an op, when you noticed the cake box in Johnnyâs hands.Â
You frowned, glancing from the sergeantsâ open faces to the box in Soapâs hands.
âWhatâs going on?âÂ
âThink we wouldnât congratulate the pair of ye, lass?â Johnny said.Â
He slid the box onto your desk and opened his arms which you found yourself readily stepping into.Â
Your throat closed, a heavy knot choking you suddenly. You didnât look at Ghost over Johnnyâs shoulder, couldnât. âOh, wellâthatâs notâyou didnât have toââÂ
âItâs not nearly enough,â Kyle interrupted, âBut itâs the best we can do. Considering.âÂ
You had to blink back tears as Soap released you and guided you forward to flip open the lid. The cake was lavender, like your headphones and blanket. Words were scrawled with dark icing, along with misshapen blobs you supposed were meant to be flowers. The words were an illegible heap but it didnât matter what it said; it mattered theyâd gotten it, even if it was bittersweet.Â
Perhaps you were being afforded a little celebration after all.Â
âHad to do the writinâ ourselves, yeah? Itââ
âItâs perfect.âÂ
You felt small, safe.Â
It was not a bad feeling, even if it was a false one. Â
You still didnât look at Simon, afraid to know how he felt about it as he stepped into the room after Price.
âTheir idea,â he would tell you later, softly, when half the cake was gone and all but Simon had departed your office. Â
You could only nod, and wonder if that meant he hadnât wanted it acknowledged at all.Â
You didnât ask, the answer would probably shatter your feeble feelings.Â
Soulmates, ultimately, were supposed to be the thing their pair needed most, be it romantic, platonic, familial, even adversarial, in rare instances. There was no guidebook on figuring out which, or what came after, or what you were supposed to be.Â
For so long, you had held onto hope. A romantic, dramatic hope that you would find your soulmate and be granted that. Understanding. Feeling like there was one place you actually belonged. Someone who could see past the scars that kept everyone else at an armâs length, that made them believe they could never fit into your life.Â
Not even, really, you thought, were you hoping to find that feeling with your soulmate. You hadnât been delusional enough to think you would ever really find them.Â
You had justâwanted someone who saw you, looked past the scars and decided you could be home, anyway. The many failed dates you went on were proof enough of that, proof of your hope and longing.Â
But maybe this was why fate had stuck you and Simon togetherâyour ability to understand that what he needed most was to be left alone. And you were already so good at being alone.Â
You could give him the security of someone who needed nothing from him, of letting the bond lie dormant and cold, maintain his anonymity and the walls heâd built so carefully around himself. Â
A sentinel fate, a sword of his name.Â
You could give him that peace.Â
Your fate, it seemed, was as youâd once guessed.Â
You were meant to be alone. Â
.
.
.
Simon adjusted your hips with a sharp jerk and then pushed his palm between your shoulderblades until you tilted them into an angle he was satisfied with.Â
âEyes forward,â he grunted.Â
But you were giggling again, glancing over your shoulder with bright eyes and a genuine smile. A rare sight recently.
Had been sinceâ
âAm I holding it right?âÂ
He glanced at your grip on the blade in your hand, and nodded. You turned back toward the targetâa thick plastic training dummy littered with stab wounds. You had made steady progress over the last few months.Â
Simon liked training you, it settled some latent anxiety heâd never admit to, to know that you could hold your own, at least temporarily. Just long enough, as he always stressed to you, to escape danger, not face it.Â
But you were proving yourself to be surprisingly adept at sparring.Â
You were fast, and seemed to enjoy running. Cardio didnât seem to burn you out. He wasnât sure heâd ever seen anyone do as many jumping jacks in a row as heâd seen you do, seemingly just to do it.Â
You took quickly to instruction, minor adjustments in form.Â
You could wriggle out of ropes and zip ties. You could effectively parry, knew where the major arteries were and how to sever them.Â
And, after a few failed attempts earlier in the week, youâd learned to compensate for the weight and balance of the blade, and seemed to be comfortable with throwing knives too.Â
âWonât have this much time to aim, bird,â he reprimanded when you only stood there, unmoving, your eyes sweeping over his face, brows knitted and serious.Â
Your skin shimmered faintly with the dew of sweat. A faint gossamer sheen. He wanted to slide his fingers over the pulse in your throat, just to feel it kick. Maybe his teeth, too, to carve it out, hold the thread of your vein in his mouth.Â
The soft murmur of your lips against his skin, babbling nonsense.Â
The space between your shoulder blades was bare, the delicate lacing of a tattoo scrawled there. You didnât share tattoos, that pain must not count as scars in the cosmic bind of the universe.Â
The memory of that weekend together haunted him. How easily youâd fallen into each other, just to have it wiped away as soon as it was done. You bare legs in the kitchen, making tea, leaning against him as though it were natural, where you belonged. You stripped down to almost nothing, letting look at your scars as you carefully wiped the eyeblack from his skin, hands cradling his face.Â
He was perhaps plagued by those moments when he wasnât with you, the soft give of your body beneath his on your bed for two blissful nights, beneath him on the sparring mat, something of a distraction, something to sink his teeth into when sleep invariably would not find him. The memory of your safe touch.Â
He still wasnât used to being looked at so openly, directly, didnât understand what you got out of it anyway. He couldnât imagine what you saw, when you stared like you were trying desperately to preserve something as vital to you as air. He was right there, within reach and not moving away for once in his life. Not going anywhere. Never.Â
This, bound to you, was where he belonged.Â
But you seemed to keep skirting away. Pulling away from his hands, from him.Â
He wasnât built for this, relationships and emotions, for things that required a gentle touch and not the cold metal of a gun.Â
Wasnât good at it. He didnât know if he had done something wrong, crossed some invisible line, and didnât know how to ask either.Â
Was this another thing he had to figure out how to earn? Was this just another thing he was destined to lose, had already?
The stiff concentration melted from your face, replaced with a smile, amusement he missed seeing the last few weeks sweeping over your face, softening your features. âBut I have time now,â you said, before you suddenly pivoted and flung the knife, all in one fluid motion. Just as heâd taught you.Â
The blade buried itself deep into the throat of the target.Â
He raised a brow. âWhat were you aiminâ for, sweetâeart?âÂ
âThe head,â you admitted, sounding surprised yourself.Â
âNot bad, that.âÂ
âThank you, LT,â you said sweetly. âMaybe one day Iâll be able to take you on.â Â
He grunted, pressed another throwing knife into your hand and lifted your arm into position, cupped your elbow and drew it down a little.Â
You were liquid gold in his arms, warm and trusting, allowing him to adjust the angles of your body without complaint. He could feel you breathing; not just the physical rise and fall of your lungs, though he could feel that too. Ghost could feel the tight, corded line of your soul stitched to his, the warm voracity of it like a glowing line of light, a thin strip of aurora borealis. This close to you, he could feel the softness of your breath, the delicate beat of your heart through it.Â
He would probably never admit it to you, but Ghost missed the pain. He missed the watery, drowning ache in his lungs that meant you were on the other side of the glass, alive, waiting. The pain had been a constant reminder of your continued life. Being alive hurt, it only made sense, then, that the bond ached with your life.Â
The warm glow it had transformed into was nice, but it was placating, an illusion that things would always be all right. The comfort and safety of it itched, made his fingers curl with the urge to peel up his skin, pinch the pain alive again with his own bloodied fingers just so he was sure you were there.Â
You leaned back into his chest, the length of your spine laid against the bow of his body. Simon folded his fingers around yours, adjusted your grip on the handle, angled your wrist down a fraction.Â
Your hand was small in his, the fragile bones of your wrist like a bird's hollow wing. He thumbed at your pulse, wished he had taken his gloves off.Â
His nose brushed the shell of your ear, inhaling the sweet scent of your skin lavender and oak moss threaded with the animal salt of your skin.Â
You shivered.Â
âNot in this life or the next.âÂ
You laughed, a breathless catch in your throat. The vibrations of it again his chest like a half remembered song stuffed between his ribs. You turned your head and pushed your forehead against his jaw gently. He felt the shush of your breath against his throat. He wondered, not for the first time, why it couldnât always be like this. Why had things felt like one stumbling block after another since you saw his face?
Wasn't it supposed to be easy? Wasnât that the one thing soulmates were promised? Â
Heâs not particularly good at wanting things. Wanting meant asking for something he could lose, and heâd lost too much.Â
But now he had you, he wouldnât let go.Â
The half completed residency paperwork in his, until now, underutilized office, was proof enough of that. It had been almost a year. You and Laswell had promised a year. A contingency, a plan for you to stay.Â
You would stay.Â
He wasnât sure you would stay.Â
Probably, he should talk to you about it.Â
Simon wasnât good at this. Â
How hard could it be to ask his bloody soulmate to stay in the same country as him?Â
Very, apparently.Â
Heâd rather almost anything else.Â
Heâd rather present you with the residence permit like a cat with a dead mouse, wordless and hopeful.
Unfortunately, there was a lot of red tape that required him and you to go through, not limited to slicing his skin open in a court to prove his scars showed up on you. Â
All the fucking ones heâd already given you, wouldnât count.Â
Just because you were bonded, he was all too aware, didn't mean you would stay together. You could leave, die. Simon was the one to endure, he knew which of you would remain.Â
The closer he got, the further you seemed to drift away, something tender and self actualizing in your gaze. But heâd had a year to come to terms with it.Â
Maybe you just needed time to adjust to the idea of your soulmate being him. He wasnât the kind of person anyone hoped for.Â
âYou wouldnât let me win?âÂ
Simon didnât want to imagine a world where you were on the opposing side of anything, where winning mattered.Â
âTogether this time, yeah?â He said instead, squeezing your wrist.Â
âNot like Iâve got much of a choice.âÂ
âWant me to let go?âÂ
âNo,â you answered quickly. âNo.â Â
âAiminâ for the head again?âÂ
âThe eye,â you clarified.Â
He raised a brow. âAmbitious, that.âÂ
You nudged your temple against his cheek again, the flicker of your lashes through his balaclava like the delicate, furred wings of a moth. âIâm trying to be the best.âÂ
âAverage might be a more achievable goal,â he said wryly.Â
Your laugh echoed inside him again. âAffirmative,â you grumbled in a poor imitation of his accent.Â
He squeezed your hip in slight reprimand.Â
âBut I think I can do it,â you continued in your own voice, leaning into his hand. âI just need practice.âÂ
âMm.â He rubbed your wrist again, felt the steady flutter of your pulse against his fingers. âJust aim at something you can hit if you ever have to, yeah?â
Something youâd been over plenty, he still felt the need to repeat it. What do you imagine is going to happen to me? Youâd asked once. A question with far too many answers. Bad things happened to people he cared for.Â
âPromise,â you said easily. âI know where all the important arteries are, after all,â you murmur, teasing.Â
He grunted, unimpressed. âLot of good thatâll do if youâre aiminâ at the eyes.âÂ
You rolled your eyes and settled back into him, but you were laughing, reciting the names of said arteries under your breath. âAll right, enough of thaâ,â he muttered as he moved your arm through the motion once, before you swung hard and released the knife on the second pass.Â
This time it was at the right height, but off center. It hurtled by the targetâs ear and clattered to the floor.Â
âYouâll be turning enemy combatants into regular Van Goghs,â he said.Â
âVery funny,â you nipped, digging an elbow into his ribs, but you were giggling again. âIt was close.âÂ
âWas. Nice work.âÂ
You made a soft, self-satisfied noise, something near a purr in your throat. âThank you, Ghost.âÂ
He nodded as he released you and stepped away to retrieve the fallen blade. Cold seeped in as he did, a bone deep chill where you had been touching him. A thready, pulsing warning to stay near.Â
Moving away from you was no longer painful, but not exactly comfortable either. It was nice to be within the warm bubble your soulmate provided.Â
He felt it now, the retraction of that pulsing sweetness, like the petals of a flower furling closed. The bond was dynamic now, malleable and yielding, nothing like the taut, fragile, painful thing it had been for so long. Â
Simon felt it stretch, loop slippery coils around him as the tension popped like stiff joints.Â
When he turned, you were across the room, sitting on a weight bench as you pulled on a hoodie and kicked off your trainers. Not his hoodie, though heâd left one at your flat, thinking, maybe, you might want something of his, the way you had given him the blanket.Â
Done for the evening, then. The tightening in his chest he felt now had nothing to do with the bond; he could admit that.Â
You were no longer smiling, and the permanent stitch that had sown itself between your brows shortly after you bonded, had appeared yet again. Â
He collected the knives, approached you slowly, out of your sight line, watching the slant of your scarred cheek, the downward tilt of your mouth. You had been worrying at your lower lip with your teeth recently, and the crease in the middle of the plush bottom curve of broken skin was wet with the tiniest well of blood.Â
Simon remembered what it had felt like to touch that soft flesh, kiss you, lick into your mouth. It had felt likeâhe couldnât say what it had felt like. He didnât have the vocabulary, the understanding of the tangled mess of emotions in his chest, snarled and guarded as a nest of snakes. Unraveling it seemed unwise, a foolâs errand.Â
All he knew was that it hadnât happened, that he had been safe with you, whether he could name the emotions or not. He also knew that it had not happened again, and didnât know why.Â
And wanted it to happen againâfor you to stick your hands beneath the edge of his mask or shirt or anywhere at all and ask can I?Â
He wanted you, he thought numbly, stupidly, to hold his fucking hand.Â
It was sort of like being a lovesick teenager, only Simon wasnât sure heâd ever been that. It was all new. Â
If he could feel the weight of your proximity, you were able to feel the heft of his. But you didnât turn as he approached, head bowed over the laces of your shoes as you coiled them around your fingers and tucked them under the tongue.Â
The space beneath your eyes was swollen, discolored with sleeplessness. There was a bruise beneath the edge of your hoodie collar, more on your forearms and the sides of your knees. Defensive marks, sparring marks.Â
To see them brought him a kind of fucked up satisfaction.Â
Simon pulled off his gloves, slipped his hand into place on the back of your neck.Â
You flinched just a little, and then settled.Â
The memory of you lying in the grass behind the barracks in the summer sun surfaces quickly. How badly he had wanted to reach down and touch you then, touch his own faint, paper thin scars on your skin, the side of your throat, the hook of your collarbone, all those shining little reminders.
Now he could, he did, and you still felt far away, like there would always be something holding you at a distance. As though you were behind unbreachable glass, seen, but not heard, not touched.Â
What had Johnny called all that pain?Â
Bond corrosion. Erosion.Â
Maybe heâd let it go on for too long, really had damaged something vital, by denying it for so long. Maybe Ghost had inadvertently taken the one thing that was supposed to be a solace to you, and twisted it beyond repair. Maybe there was no comfort on your side, just a rusted lock that could never be pried opened again.Â
You tilted into his palm.Â
He hoped it was voluntary.Â
âGhost,â you said softly.Â
âBird,â he answered, drawing the word out lazily, letting his hand slide away.Â
Your mouth twitched into a half smile. âHey,â you caught his hand and tucked it instead between your palms.Â
He sat next to you, pushed his shoulder against yours. You fell against his side slowly, almost reluctantly. You laced your fingers with his. Â
Maybe you were just disappointed. Once the shock of finding your soulmate faded, once that restless, prodding first night together was overâhe wondered if you felt cheated, let down. Maybe the distance was protective.Â
Maybe he should just ask.Â
You sat together quietly, fingers threaded. He waited, hoping that if he waited long enough you would look up and smile and talk to him.Â
But the well of your incessant chatter over the last year seemed to have finally run dry.Â
Not only were you quiet, it was like you were lost, unsteady. âAll right?âÂ
When you met his eyes, your features softened. âYouâre not a bad teacher.âÂ
âReckon thatâs a compliment, yeah?âÂ
You smiled, settled more firmly against his side. Yours was a warm, welcome weight. Heâd not relished the thought of anyoneâs touch in a very long time, maybe hadnât ever. Kind touch was never something in high supply. But if you never let go, itâd probably be all right, that.Â
âYes,â you agreed. âVery generous with compliments.âÂ
Ghost wasnât sure those words, in that order or otherwise, had ever been applied to him before.Â
He palmed your cheek, tilted your face toward his, peering into your eyes like he was examining you for injury. âYou hit your head?âÂ
âLike you wouldnât have noticed.âÂ
âMm.âÂ
âSimon,â you said, his name careful and curling in your mouth, safe there. Your fingers were at the edge of his sleeve, the soft pads of your fingers against his bare wrist, sliding over the scars on his palms, defensive wounds that his mind refused to remember earning.Â
He nodded and you pushed his sleeve up.Â
âI think I found another,â you said. âCan I show you?âÂ
Simon didnât remember how he got every scar on his body, but he was trying to become familiar with all of yours. Youâd had trouble, though, deciding which actually belonged to you. Some of your scars were buried beneath his own, others were scoured so deeply on Ghost, that they appeared as though they could be yours on your skin.Â
It was odd to be touched, and not exactly comfortable, not yet, but he held still and let you have your fill, because he wanted you to. His body wasnât his in these moments, but belonging to you was all right.
Your fingers traced his forearm, sending skittering sparks of warmth along his skin, curled like shaved gold into his stomach. It was horrifying, really, the way you made him feel. Not like himself, too much like himself, or someone he should have been.Â
The touch was curious, and cautious.Â
âHere,â you pushed a finger into the middle of his forearm. The scar was barely visible on his skin, and buried beneath the black of tattoo ink. âI think I burned myself taking something out of the oven. It probably wouldnât have scarred but I kept picking at it.â You held your arm alongside his. The mark on your arm was deeper, puckered where his was flat. But they matched.Â
Your fingers wriggled inside his rolled sleeve and you traced a particularly deep gouge along the side of his bicep.Â
Shrapnel, he thought, but you didnât ask.Â
He waited for you to ask.Â
You both sat there cloaked in silence.Â
He watched the side of your face, the way your mouth twisted to the side, the downward sweep of your lashes fluttering against your scarred cheek.Â
âAnymore?âÂ
You shook your head and slid your hand up his chest instead, to the base of his throat. âCanâ?â
The word hasnât even left your mouth yet. Pathetic, he thinks, as he yanks the fabric over his head. He smelled of desperation, a deep need to be kept.Â
You smiled, touched his cheek, his ear. Your fingers scraped over the close cropped sides of his head into the longer hair at the top.Â
When your face tilted up, lashes fluttering closed, he met you halfway, tasted blood on your mouth. It was like coming home. Simon could feel his scar on your mouth, like you were echoes of each other, calling across something vast, receiving an answer anyway.Â
His tongue slipped into your mouth as your hands fisted in his hoodie. You groaned quietly when he threaded an arm behind your back, pulled you into his chest.Â
âSimon,â you mumbled, mouth traveling from his down his jaw and back, nails digging into his bicep. Heâd never get tired of his name, known and coveted, in your voice. You made it sound real, almost sweet.Â
He touched your jaw, your soft skin so different to his, the small of your back beneath your shirt.Â
The knot in his chest seemed to unravel, flatten out like a dog showing its belly, deeply satisfied, asking to be pickedâ
You pulled back suddenly and sucked in a sharp, awful breath. âJesus, Iâm sorry,â you said. âIââÂ
Simon shook his head, cupped the back of your skull to bring your forehead to him. You breathed, eyes closed, for a long time.Â
Eventually you blinked and met his eyes, searched until you found something that made your gaze close. A door shut in his face.Â
âWell,â you said, retracting your touch slowly, fingertips drawing down his jaw. He told himself it was reluctance, even if he knew better. âItâs late. I should probably get going.âÂ
He wanted to hold you gently, but was afraid he might crush you instead. His unwieldy hands were not suited for this kind of work.Â
âMm. Walk you to your car.âÂ
Your smile flickered a little. âWhat if I said no?âÂ
Then he would follow you anyway. He would make sure you got there safely, anyway. He might not be built for care, but he was built for that. For teaching you violence, for making sure you were safe.Â
âThen you go alone.âÂ
âLiar,â you said with a huff as you stood, bracing your hand on his shoulder. âI know your shadow now, Simon.âÂ
He just stood and held out a hand for your bag, tugging the mask back on with the other. He wasnât sure how he felt about that declaration. Â
You needed time, that was all, he thought again, for the disappointment to abate, for him to make himself useful to you.Â
Eventually, he would see your flat again. Heâd stand in your kitchen with a cup of tea and your smile would be real. Â
Simon should know better, by now, than to hope for anything at all.Â
.
.
.
The orders arrived one innocuous morning in November, passed to you by an administrative assistant on your way to your office, who smiled like the envelope was not essentially a live bomb. She was new to the base, her eyes bright and watchful. She had been in your office a fair few times, to pick your brain, she said. She wanted to work in intelligence some day, too, in more than a strictly secretarial role.Â
You took it from her with great trepidation.Â
âYou alright?â
âFine,â you smiled tightly as your stomach clenched.Â
Her smile turned sympathetic. âDonât want to leave?â
âI donât know,â you answered honestly, flipping the envelope over in your hands.Â
âCome now, Iâd wager Ghost will be none too happy.âÂ
You furrowed your brows and glanced back up at her.Â
Ghost was Ghost. You hadnât realized any of the others noticed him in your office. They were a nosy, gossipy bunch, such were the ways of intel, and you were sure one of them would have mentioned it, even passively, at some point. Â
âDonât know what you mean.âÂ
She smiled and rolled her eyes as she turned back to her desk. âSure.âÂ
You walked back to your office slowly, distracted, telling yourself it was somethingâanythingâelse.Â
You were not being stationed elsewhere; you were not being sent home.Â
You closed the door behind you and stood staring down at the all too familiar seal stamped next to your name. It didnât feel like your name, like your hands curling around the edges of the paper, claws that were already starting to dig in, so you couldnât be dragged howling away.Â
For a long time, you could only stand there, vision tunneling, mind sluggishly trying to catch up to what your heart already knew.Â
Eventually, you realized you were not drawing breath, and choked as you inhaled, the air thick with the scent of tobacco and black tea. Ghost, when you glanced around, was not there, but he had been. A cup of coffee was at the edge of your desk, steaming, still hot.
Because you still preferred coffee in the morning, despite having developed a taste for tea, and he knew that. He seemed to know everything about you.
It made you want to cry, but you crossed your office to your desk instead and sat.Â
Delicately you slit the letter open along its seam, and read what youâd already known would be within.Â
Home.Â
Only the shape of home had long ago shifted.
Home was here.Â
Home was the base and your softly lit office; it was your flat that youâd worked hard to make your own; it was tea with your coworkers and baking with your neighbor.Â
Home wasâ
Home wasâ
It would be better for everyone if you went home, but the notion of leaving behind the little life you created so painstakingly over the last year tied your stomach in knots. You liked your apartment and the base and your neighbors. You liked your coworkers and hot cups of tea on rainy afternoons in chilly offices. You liked Soap and Kyle and Price.Â
And Simonâ
You liked having him in your life, in whatever way he let himself be. You liked when he visited you. You liked being close to someone, even if it wasnât exactly in the way you wanted. You liked the quiet surety of your routine with him, even if it was unfair to both of you for you to be comforted by it.Â
Your chest ached; your throat closed. Â
It would be better for you to go.Â
You did not want to go.Â
You carefully pushed the letter back inside the envelope and thrust it into a desk drawer.Â
It felt more like an execution notice.Â
.
.
.
You managed to keep the information to yourself for two days.Â
The tender bruise it left on you only seemed to deepen, that well in your chest that was meant to bring you comfort only serving to pinch.Â
You wondered, again and again, if something had gone wrong. If you were not properly bonded, if Ghost had frayed the bond beyond repair like a dog chewing through its leash, if, perhaps, you had done something wrong. Maybe your disbelief has sown rot into your soul, an infected tether that poisoned both of you.Â
It was raining again, a chill passing beneath the frame of your window, the lights dim and low. The last of your coworkers had long gone home and night had long ago fallen.Â
You were curled in your office chair, your blanket and Simonâs tucked around your shoulders, when a gentle knock caught your attention.Â
When you glanced up and found Ghost in your office doorway, you smiled, you forgot for a moment about that letter in your desk and everything it meant.Â
âGhost,â you greeted, unfolding your legs, blankets sloughing off your shoulders and into your lap. âHey.âÂ
âBird.âÂ
âItâs late.âÂ
âIs,â he agreed with a nod.Â
He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him and the knowledge that you would be leaving thisâhimâsoon clamped around you, seized something in your chest and squeezed. Fear and loss welled like twin heartaches, pooled in that hollow beneath your ribs that should only know warmth.Â
He paused for only a moment before he rounded your desk, cupped your face between his ungloved palms and tilted your head up. He didnât say anything, gaze trailing slowly over your features.Â
Your chest tightened with the examinationâbright, painful hope. To be the focus of your soulmateâs attention was like being buoyed, like sitting in the sun. It made you feel deeply settled. It was nectar sweet and confusing. You wanted to kiss him and felt as though you should ask for nothing and receive even less.Â
And guilt.Â
You felt guilty for not telling him as soon as the papers were handed to you.Â
You expected the contact to be brief, but when he pushed his forehead against yours, he left it there for a long moment.Â
He didnât usually and it gave you pause. His eyes were closed when you opened yours again. You felt as though he were asking for something but you couldnât understand the question. Exhaustion curled off him in waves.Â
âAre you okay?â His eyes flickered open, confusion swirling in when he found you already looking at him.Â
He tilted back and didnât answer.
âYou look tired,â you said carefully. âMore tired than usual, anyway.âÂ
âWhat are you still doinâ âere?âÂ
âWaiting for you to come make us a tea.âÂ
He made a soft huffing sound that you took to be a laugh. âAye?â
âMm.â Â
He made a discontent noise and pulled away entirely. âShite liar for someone who works in the shadows.âÂ
You smiled. âYou just know me too well.âÂ
âAlright?âÂ
A heavy hand closed around your throat and you glanced away. âYeah.âÂ
When he dropped into his usual chair, he tilted his head. You could read the words in his eyes before he said them. âWant to try that again?â
âI would actually like a cup of tea,â you said.Â
âIâll make you a cuppa if you tell me.â
You smiled, âNegotiating now?âÂ
âAlways seem to be.â Â
You frowned, not sure what he meant by that as you let your head fall back, wondering if you could put off telling him awhile longer. But Ghostâs suspicion was raised now. He looked relaxed, arms crossed over his chest, legs spread wide. His chin was tipped down, brows knitted together. You knew he was ready to go home, by the simple mask he was wearing and the dark hoodie he was swaddled in.
You thought of pushing the hood back, tugging the mask off, raking your nails through his hair as you had that day in the guy, and banished the image with a shake of your head.Â
You fidgeted, plucked at the edge of your sweater with nervous fingers. He wouldnât care, you thought, and you werenât sure what would be worse: apathy or relief.
Simon said your name slowly, a dangerous warning hidden somewhere in the back of his throat.Â
The sound seemed to take up space in your chest.Â
He watched you, waiting for you to spit it out, shoulders stiffening, brows an unyielding, lowered line.Â
You took a deep breath, bravely plucked the letter from its place in your desk drawer, and slid it across the tabletop toward him.Â
Simon went very still, staring at the unassuming little envelope. You waited and watched him, watched his eyes and the slope of his unmoving shoulders.
Tension bled into the air so thickly you felt as though you might choke on it. You clenched your jaw so tight that pain lanced down your neck and into the top of your spine. Â
Minutes passed and he didnât so much as twitch. You werenât sure he was breathing.
âSimon?â You said quietly, gently, as you could. âYou okay?âÂ
He blinked, seemed to come back into himself, gaze locking onto yours as he reached for the letter with large, ungloved hands. His eyes only slid away from yours again when he pulled the letter out of its sleeve and glanced down to read it.Â
âThatâs all right,â he said after a moment, his voice even.Â
Your belly lurched. So apathy it was, unmoved by the prospect of you leaving.Â
âI know,â you said quietly. Your voice cracked under the pressure in your throat, as you willed yourself not to cry. âNothing to make a big deal about. Just thought you should knowââ
He shook his head and abruptly stood. âGhostâ?âÂ
He crossed your office in two strides and wrenched open the door before he disappeared through it. Â
You frowned, wondering if you were meant to follow him, knowing that you never were. You settled back in your chair, tucking your legs in again, staring at the frost slowly creeping across the window glass, obscuring the fat yellow moon peeking from between parted winter clouds.Â
Simon returned, to your surprise, a few minutes later, with a file folder.Â
You felt a sense of dread as he dropped it on your desk.Â
âWhat is this, Simon?âÂ
âIâve already started it.âÂ
That did not answer your question.Â
You sat forward and pulled it toward you, flipped it open and found a half completed residency application. Your fingers froze before you thumbed through the myriad pages. Forms filled in in chunky block handwriting.Â
âWhat is this?â You asked again, attempting to quell the rising panic in your chest. âWhat did you do?âÂ
âThe bond has to be officially recognized first,â he said, still not exactly answering your question.Â
You swallowed. Youâd heard about formal bond recognition and frowned at the last several instructional pages. Required photographic proof of bond pairing, and, an in person demonstration of proof of said bondâ
You imagined it for a moment, the two of you before some faceless judge, Simon carving out another part of himself for the sake of you being able to remain when he didnât even want you. Didnât want you around, never wanted you to know who he was. And yet he was willing to shackle himself to you, toss the key away.Â
Nausea welled, a heavy hand closing around your throat. A date was scratched in red at the bottom of the page for mid-April next year. Distantly, you realized it meant he had been working on this, thinking about it, for much longer than you had. It was. . .sweet.Â
It should be sweet.Â
You were suddenly aware of how much you did not know about him as you read through the pages. His birthday. His last name. If asked to fill out his half of the forms, you would not be able to. But it was all there in his own hand writing, information freely given for you when he had only given up his name by accident. He was giving up everything he kept close to the chest, that he kept from everyone.Â
But your horror and revulsion won out when you turned the next page and found a scan of his military ID. His naked face stared blankly, uncomfortably out at you.Â
What it all meant crashed down on you with the force of a toppled building. You saw yourself demonstrating the bond again. Simon unmasked, a wolf without its teeth, because you knew he would never let you be the one to prove the bond. He would stand there and carve himself up, wrench out a bone and lie it down as proof.Â
Years of wishing you could protect the soulmate you didnât know from further harm curled fingers through the bars of your ribs, prying loose that desperation.Â
Now you could.Â
His name, his face, his privacy, his sense of safety.Â
You slammed the folder closed and shoved it away. âNo,â you said, horrified. âNo. Absolutely not.âÂ
His brows softened when you glanced up at him. His voice was maybe the gentlest you have ever heard. âI would do it, loveââ
You made an involuntary, distressed sound. âJesus Christ, Ghost. No.âÂ
All this effort was not his choice, and you couldnât take anymore from him. It was pity and harm rolled into one. It was self flagellation; it was locking a weight around his ankle and jumping into a deep lake.Â
You couldnât keep burdening the people around you, anyway. Simon with the bond he had no interest in and was plagued and bound by, the rest of the 141 being vulnerable for it.Â
Price had asked you to take care of him and you could.Â
Ghostâs gaze was hard when you met his eyes. âWhy not?âÂ
There was a dangerous edge in his voice, a fissure that said tread carefully.Â
âWhy would I ever want you to do this?â You fired back.Â
Your voice was panicked and louder than you meant it to be.Â
He shrunk away, at the same time that his shoulders seemed to widen a few centimeters.Â
âI canât do that to you,â you said, pushing the file back toward him. âI wonât do that to you.âÂ
âYou arenât going to try to stay.â His voice was flat and far away.Â
Something lurched behind your breastbone. You rubbed at the spot but the pain didnât fade. âI will not let you scar yourself for nothing!â You snapped.Â
He was so still, his body a coiled spring. âNothing.â His voice was hollow.  Â
You swallowed. âItâs easier this way, Simon,â you said after a long beat of silence. âItâs safer, if I just go.â Â
He sat back, like youâd punched him and was struggling for breath.Â
You watched the wall come down in his eyes, protective distance, that blank, far away, unreachable look he always used to wear when he first started visiting your office.Â
âThatâs what you want, yeah?â
You closed your eyes for a moment, and when you opened them again, he was gone, as though heâd never entered your life at all.Â
The room seemed to reverberate with the loss of him. A warning in the still, cold air, a tragedy leaching into your lungs.Â
You fucked something up, but you werenât sure what or how. You paced circles around your office until you felt ill. You knew he wouldnât come back, that you might have broken the fragile peace that existed between you.Â
Maybe it was for the best.Â
The pain didnât recede.Â
.
.
.
You used to have nightmares.Â
Each night you would lie down, close your eyes, and drown for a few hours. Long, looping gray halls, faint outlines of fists knuckled into drywall. You would search, thread your way up and down staircases without end, flinging open doors that led to the same bruised walls.
You could trace the trajectory of Simonâs life through your scars. The child abuse heâd clearly endured, the abrupt way the regular tracery of pain vanished, and then slowly appeared again. In starts and fits, enough for you to know that he had endured and finally escaped, and perhaps had a dangerous job, or lifestyle. You imagined a boxer, an MMA fighter. You imagined a construction worker, a welder, a fire fighter, a soldier. Â
For awhile, you were content, the dreams receded like nothing more than a bad memory. Mostly, he seemed to be safe, and that was enough. A new mark would occasionally be added to your skin, but it always seemed incidental, an accident or mishap. That you could handle.Â
Then those awful months had come, where each morning there were fresh marks. Your fear was like a fist in your throat. You rarely slept, afraid of what your mind would conjure, afraid of all the ways you could never help. Your soulmate was being tortured, of that you were sure, and you could only watch.Â
You would wake upâa plethora of new scars seared into your flesh, and a sense of pain, the impression of pain you should feel, lingering around you like a malignant cloudâand plead with anything, anyone that might be listening to help where you couldnât. Your throat, chest, and back saw the most damage then. No more defensive scars on your palms, but thin circlets had formed around your wrists. No more bite marks but that awful corded scar had roped its way around your throat.Â
The nightmares returned with vengeance clutched in their fists. Bloodier, more violent.Â
Now, dreams of perpetual, unending silence. A life lived alone. Those same looping, gray halls filled with doors that you could hear other people behind, just out of reach, all locked. Most times, though, the dreams were more violent than that, blood on concrete, endless replays of dreams past, torture past.Â
It filled you with a type of horror you thought long past you, that you thought couldnât be felt anymore.Â
But it was worse, now, knowing it was Simon that had inspired those dreams. It had been bad enough knowing only that it was the abstract concept of someone meant for you on the receiving end.Â
Youâre sure your dreams were only a whisper of what he experienced.Â
The dreams seemed to be arbiters, harbingers of some tragedy, rewritten lines of a play long acted out.Â
You missed him.Â
Didnât know how to check on him.Â
How to apologize for ever having shown up in his life.Â
It made you wish youâd turned down that transfer last year, that you had never gotten the one thing you always wanted.Â
Soap, when he appeared in front of you, assessed your sleeplessness with an astute, bluntness you only felt numb to. Â
âYe look like shite.âÂ
âThank you for that, John MacTavish,â you said, swerving around him and down the hall toward your office. âIs there something you need?âÂ
He followed you, situated himself as comfortably as he always did, firmly in Ghostâs chair.Â
âYou okay, lassie?âÂ
You clutched at the files as you hovered in the doorway and took a wincing breath. The pain hadnât gone away. âYes. Just tired.âÂ
âGhost has been tired, too.âÂ
âItâs a good thing you arenât a spy, Soap.âÂ
âAye, but am not tryinâ to be.âÂ
You huffed, tightened your hold on the files and tablet. The pressure against your chest helped. âIâm getting transferred home.â You smiled but it felt awkward and false. âGood news.â
He tilted his head. âFor who?â
âSimon,â you said easily. âAnd all of you. Iâm a burden the rest of you have to bear,â you attempted to joke.Â
Neither of you laughed.Â
Johnny was uncharacteristically quiet, the silence like a shroud.Â
âAnd you talked to the Ghost?â He asked after a long moment.Â
âYeah.â
Johnny frowned. âAnd heâs alrighâ with thaâ?â
You frowned back at him, fidgeted, plucked at the edge of your sweater with nervous fingers. âI canât ignore orders,â you said simply, though you both knew there was a solution. The one Ghost had already thought of.Â
Soap was still watching you, his head tilted to the side. âWhat dâye want?âÂ
A strange choking feel raked up your chest, bound itself over your heart. If you could, youâd slip into Simonâs bloodstream. To be carried there, to belong. You wanted so badly to be wanted, to have somewhere safe.Â
You shook your head. âI donât think it matters what I want.âÂ
It was unfair, though, that it didnât.Â
That you have never mattered.Â
A sudden, intense burst of anger welled up in the back of your throat. âIâm starting to think the whole fucking thing is foolâs gold.â You ground your teeth together, âI think itâs all bullshit meant to give you hope. And nothing else. It never meant anything at all.â
Johnny looked pained. âAch, birdââ
âNo,â you interrupted. âNo. Iâm sorry. Thatâs not fair of me. I think I am uniquely fucked up.âÂ
A burst of warmth made you whirl toward the hall but no one was there.Â
.
.
.
Once, Simon, without preamble, before you knew what he was to you, had abruptly asked one afternoon if youâd ever gone through RTI training.Â
âYes. I might not do field work, but I still know too much,â youâd answered and tilted your head curiously to the side. âWhy?â
He had not answered, but looked marginally more at ease.Â
âWere you?âÂ
âWhat?âÂ
âTortured?âÂ
His eyes had flicked over you. âThink you know the answer.âÂ
You had nodded.
âThey say to compartmentalize,â you said, curious. âThat you buy time instead of trying to avoid talking. But I was never good with pain. What did you think of?â
In an odd bout of truth sharing he had said, âDead now, what I thought of.â He settled into his chair more firmly. âDonât think of anything you care to lose.âÂ
And that had been that.Â
.
.
.
Simon didnât say goodbye.
You werenât exactly speaking, anyway.Â
Silence had unspooled between you and him, thick and cloying, a rope that wrapped tighter around his throat with each coil.Â
Ghost still checked on you, watched from the shadows as you began moving through preparations to leave your post. Cases handed off to other intel officers, your office slowly depleted of the things that made it yours.Â
The potted plants in their terracotta shells disappeared and reappeared in other officesâin the break room, on a filing cabinet in the hall. The bug lamp vanished and so did your blanket and the lavender headphones, the stack of books in the corner. Your scent faded, that oakmoss and lavender that permeated the air seemed to falter more with each passing day.Â
When he peered into your office, a wraith at the edge of your life once again, you worked in total silent stillness in the cold room. You had not touched his blanket, slung over the back of the chair as it always was.Â
Things were moving too fast, and he was wasting time. You would be gone by the end of the year; it was already the middle of December. He knew, when he looked in on you before they left, that it would be the last time. He would return to the base and your office would be empty, bereft.Â
Soap was staring at him from across the transport plane, his brows drawn down, fists curled loosely around the straps of his vest. His sergeant looked angry.Â
The air was cold.Â
Simonâs skin ached. That bloody pain was under his ribs again. Â
He couldnât stop thinking of your blanket. Why would you remove it first when you needed it? You were always cold, always sun seeking. Your blanket abandoned, his hoodie you wouldnât wear. It was like you were abandoning comfort.Â
âThe lass seemedââ
âThatâll do, Sergeant,â Ghost cut Soap off quietly, a warning in his voice. If Gaz and Price were listening, they didnât show it, huddled over a tablet together at the far end of the hull.Â
Soap glanced away. âWas cryinâ before we left.âÂ
Ghost jerked his gaze back up.Â
âEnough,â he snarled, and then felt exhaustion tug his anger back down.Â
He closed his eyes and leaned back, letting the heaviness of his gear fall against his body, crushing even as his spine loosened.
It was enough.Â
He didnât need to be reminded of your misery, or your rejection.Â
Domestic conflict didnât suit him. He was afraid of it, had only ever watched it end with a bruised cheek, tears, a voice like knives. He already swore that he would never be that kind of man, that he wouldnât become his father.Â
Conflict that couldnât be swiftly ended with a gun or a blade was out of his bloody purview.Â
You deserved better, and that truth had never been more apparent or that you knew it too.Â
Why would I ever want you to do this?
Fair enough question.
Mapping his own fear wasn't easy. It didnât come naturally.Â
He wanted nothing more than to scoop it out with a rusty spoon, put it on offer to you.Â
But you didnât want that, and heâd known that all along.Â
The plane hummed and shook like it was in the fist of a giant, shuttling them through the sky, an overgrown child with a toy.Â
âAye,â Soap said, an unusual snap in his voice. âMaybe you were right, LT.â
Ghost opened his eyes.Â
It was bait.Â
They both knew it.Â
Ghost asked anyway, his voice low and dark. âUsually am. Care to tell me what about this time?âÂ
âMaybe she deserves better.âÂ
.
.
.
Task Force 141 was deployed on an emergency op. They left three days ago, chasing some nightmare that they had dealt with before. Intel that you had pooled and passed off to Laswell without too much thought about it, turned out to be something theyâd long been searching for.Â
Price checked in with you. Kyle and Soap said goodbye.Â
Ghost disappeared without a word.Â
You caught a glimpse of his shadow disappearing down the administration wingâs hall before they had gone, warmth fading around you, and knew he had been outside your office. His involuntary monitoring only served to make your chest ache.
You knew that you werenât likely to see any of them again. Your apartment was a sea of boxes; your office was bereft. It was unclear how long the op would last.Â
You werenât likely to see Ghost again, anyway, who had become as good as his namesake over the past few weeks. It was terrible, the way you waited and hoped that he would come back to you, just so you could say goodbye. He was impossible to hunt down when he did not want to be found.Â
As it stood, you were alone, your office was empty for all but the equipment you were given on your first day and Simonâs blanket. You werenât sure what to do with it. It wasnât yours but leaving it behind to be tossed in with the trash or thrown in storage somewhere to rot, festering alone, eaten by moths, seemed wrong. Â
Still, you had left it over the back of his chair. Maybe he would see it when he returned and finally take it with him.Â
You did, however, keep the hoodie he had left in your apartment. No one had to know that you slept in it, felt comforted just by touching something that was his.Â
Were you especially pathetic, or was that something all bonded soulmates felt? You couldnât imagine Simon feeling that way about something of yours. It was hard to imagine him being comforted by anything besides a gun, a knife, his own violent hands. Â
Maybe if you werenât so upset, maybe if things had gone differently, you would have noticed you were being followed long before it was too late to do anything about it.Â
You were walking from your car to your apartment, gym and work bags slung over your shoulder, sweat still drying between your shoulder blades when the unease settled around you. You felt watched, not in the way that you had become accustomed to.Â
The back of your neck prickled, some long buried sense warning you that danger was near. When you glanced over your shoulder, the street was empty and blue in the waning winter light, the barest fanning of snow shimmering, fans of yellow puddled down the sidewalk behind you.Â
But you could hear footsteps.
You didnât change your pace, slipping your hand into the front pocket of Simon's hoodie instead, feeling the comforting weight of the switchblade gifted to you all those months ago. Cold, solid metal.Â
It felt a bit like safety, wrapped in Ghost's fading scent, the knife he'd given you in your palm.
All those nights you stayed late on the base, Simon waiting patiently for you to leave, eyes closed, arms crossed before he walked you to your car flicked through your mind.Â
The irony struck you now, of all those careful wanderings to your car, no one had ever been there along this route. The path from your car to your front door was barren, the moment of your day that you were most alone.Â
When you glanced behind you again, still no one was there. Â
You told yourself it was nothing, though every instinct was telling you that wasnât true. Cold bled between your shoulders, snaked down your spine in a warning drip.Â
The footsteps faded but the watched feeling didnât.Â
Once inside you locked the door behind you and made a beeline for your bed side table drawer where youâd stored Simonâs half completed residency application. You started to shred it with your hands before you realized that would not be enough.Â
A thud on the landing outside made you jump, confirmed your worst thoughts. You were on your way out, all the case files and hard drives you had been trusted with handed back over to Laswell, debriefed a million and one times. There was only one thing someone could be looking for.Â
You calmly carried the documents to your kitchen and threw them in the largest pot you had. It only took a moment for it all to go up in flame after you dropped a lit match in, suffocating his name and yours, the edges of the copy of his military ID going at the corners and then swallowing his face.Â
You wanted to dig your hands into it, scoop the ash into your mouth, just to keep it all safe.Â
For half a moment, as smoke curled around your kitchen, you felt stupid. It was probably nothing and youâd just erased the only memory of your soulmateâs face you had been allowed.Â
Then, the front door exploded inward.
You were slammed into the counter, scattered remnants of the meager combat training you had received flicking through your head.Â
But your body was faster than your brain, you wriggled loose and stabbed upward with the blade suddenly in your hand.Â
You both seemed surprised when you made contact, slicing a long stripe along his cheek up to the corner of his eye. The point of your knife sunk into his eye, and when you ripped it back, blood sprayed across your ceiling.Â
You had been drilled not to linger though, yanking back when he released your elbow, screaming and clutching his face.Â
You dodged two more men whose fingers grazed you but didnât catch. They seemed more surprised than you were that you avoided it, that maybe Ghost had been telling the truth when he said you were unreasonably fast.Â
You flung your knife at the one in the foyer, and watched it sink to the hilt into his throat.Â
You didnât pause, flew down the steps to the road and wrenched down a black street and then a tiny alley that you hoped you could lose them in, that you could get lost in. The irritated crash of voices followed you as you zigzagged through the streets of the town that had become your home, and now had turned into a maze.Â
Distantly, you realized they were speaking in Russian, footsteps pounding against the pavement behind you. The wind was bitterly cold, snow burning down around you.Â
Ghostâs words fanned across your mind, you just had to be fast enough to run away, to hide, that was all. You held onto his voice, the memory of him guiding you.
All you had to do was run away.Â
But you turned down another street and found the narrow close ended in a brick wall that you were not tall enough to scale.Â
This time when you were pushed forward, your temple connected with brick, stars bloomed across your vision. Your arms were pinned immediately to your sides.Â
You threw your head back, skull connecting with a crack against someoneâs nose.Â
âYou fucking bitchââÂ
Thick fingers against the back of your neck, slamming you forward into the brick again. This time nausea crawled into your throat along with pain and a thin trickle of blood, stars blooming across your vision.Â
âEasy, easy! Nothing that will scar. Not yet.âÂ
You were shoved harder against the wall, an uncomfortable, heavy weight bowing your spine, but your captor was careful not to let your face rasp against the brick again.Â
Blood licked warmly into the corner of your mouth, dripping lovingly into your mouth. A nerve throbbed behind your eye. You grunted, air squeezed out of your lungs when the man behind you leaned harder on you. âCareful, little rabbit,â he said.Â
Footsteps sounded behind the pair holding you captive, slow and measured, a brutal, unhurried pace that eventually stopped to your left.Â
âI donât have to wonder what you were burning, but I think I can guess,â he said by way of introduction. âLetâs see her face.âÂ
The hand on the back of your neck cupped your jaw instead, yanked your face around so violently you felt it in your neck.Â
A manâs face swims into your peripheral vision. Dark, sharply intelligent eyes met yours. Predatory, like looking into the teeth of a fox. You had seen his face before. And if he was here, the op the 141 was currently on was a decoy. Â
Fear swam into your gut, adrenaline sweeping down your spine.Â
âAh,â he said, reaching out to stroke the back of his pointer finger down your cheek. âYou must belong to Ghost,â he said. He drew a blade slowly from his trouser pocket. It sung as he flipped it open and held it to your throat, drawing it shallowly over your flesh. âNo one else has so many scars.âÂ
You shivered and the blade bit deeper into your skin.
You felt blood pool warmly in the hollow at the base of your neck. âYes, I think if I had Simon Riley here, youâd match, wouldnât you?â His eyes flicked over you, watching you closely.Â
You didnât blink, despite how irked you were that he knew Simonâs name. Didnât acknowledge the implication of your scars. âHe wonât come,â you said, voice hoarse. âIf thatâs what this is.â Â
âHe will,â he said, withdrawing the knife, wiping it clean on a handkerchief he pulled from his pocket, swiping it neatly clean. âSimon Riley,â he said again, drawing out the syllables of a name you wanted to rip out of the air, stuff in your own mouth. âHe tends to have this kind of bad luck with things he cares for. Donât you agree?âÂ
You didnât move, didnât breathe. The lancing pain in your head was growing and thinking was a failing battle. The pressure on your spine was intense, your lungs crushed beneath the weight of the man holding you in place, a mouse beneath a paw.Â
You closed your eyes. âHe doesnât care about me.âÂ
âThat is not how soulmates work.âÂ
You laughed, a choked horrible sound to your own ears.Â
The world tasted like blood.Â
Like the copper tang of a penny pressed beneath your tongue.Â
You could taste it on your teeth.
âThen you donât know Ghost very well.â You said. âHe doesnât want me.â If anyone could overcome that instinct, that taboo, it was Ghost. He would not come for you, of that you were sure. It would be easier. âHe wonât come. Itâs the tactical choice.âÂ
âI suppose we will see, will we not? We will have fun together, you and I, in the meantime.âÂ
He disappeared from your view, footsteps disappearing back down the close.
Panic settled hard and fast in your stomach, what you were about to endure whether they killed you eventually or not.
You squirmed as the weight eased off your back, kicked backward desperately. Your sneaker connected with a shin before you were jerked around and slapped. You lunged forward, not sure what you were about to do when a sharp pain bloomed in the side of your throat and the world went dark.Â
There was one thing you were certain of, though, as your consciousness faded and your body was hauled through the dark, the thickening snow.Â
Makarov was wrong. Â
Simon was not coming.Â
And you, as always, were alone.Â
.
.
.
Ghost couldnât shake the feeling that something was wrong.Â
The base felt eerily silent as he tracked through it, hauling his kit, beelining for your office, the failed op like a warning bell in the back of his mind that he couldnât ignore. Â
It was your intel, Laswell said, that led them there. Â
Your office was empty, dark.Â
The only personal item left in the room was the blanket you had knitted for him all those months ago, left across the back of the chair he always sat in.Â
He pressed gloved fingers against it and a chill curled in his gut. Your office, for so long a comfort, a warmth, a haven, felt barren, vacant. It smelled of dust, and he knew you hadnât been there in a few days. The scent of your perfume no longer lingered in the air, your presence as faded as if youâd never been there at all.Â
It did not help the feeling that something wasnât right.Â
An indescribable, irrational fear gripped him. Like talons hooked around his lungs, pulling them slowly from between his ribs. The pain had returned, settled as neatly behind his breastbone as if it had never left.Â
Nausea wound tight in his throat. He pressed a hand against his chest but it didnât ease. It lingered, seemed to pulse worse than it ever had before. He had heard you and Johnny, once, talking about the pain. There were cases where it had returned, when soulmates were separated against their will, or, if one was in danger, dying, hurt.Â
Usually it meant the pair was dying, it was a warning, an easing into the snap of the bond being severed forever.Â
Simon dropped his kit, kicked the door shut and yanked up his sleeves, the hem of his shirt, searching fruitlessly for a needle in a fucking haystack.Â
It was faint, at first, because it was yours and not his, buried beneath pain and thick scarring and years of not taking care of those scars.Â
He watched, for the first time, as a scar that wasnât his bled into his flesh.Â
A deep one, puckering the meat of his forearm in a new and disturbing way. It was not an accident. A message was being writ in your skin for him to see.Â
It didnât hurt, and that was the worst part. The ghost of pain seemed to linger in the air above it, pain he should feel and didnât, the suggestion of torment like an electric current he desperately wanted to stick his fingers into, wrap around his wrists and yank away from you.Â
An involuntary, nearly inaudible sound wrenched out of him.
It wasnât just one. The more he stared, the more faint, flicking lines he saw, across his arms, his stomach.Â
He knew what it meant.Â
He didnât know how to process what he was seeing, or the feeling that accompanied it.Â
The uncertainty and fear youâd once described to him, of knowing that his soulmate was hurt but not how, of being helpless to watch, washed over him in a violent wave.Â
He took a deep breath.Â
Then another.Â
Simon was gone.Â
Price, he knew, would still be in his office.Â
if you made it this far thank you for reading! I'd love to know what you thought!
Summary: A noble lady from a disgraced house that supported Blackfyres is married off to Lord Bloodraven as a reward for his loyalty and prowess in battle. But he prefers to occupy his time with duties as the Hand of the King. Comfortable but lonely, she befriends one of his ravens. Warnings: arranged marriage, yearning, angst, fluff, Westeros politics, Shiera.
The raven was a greedy, ungrateful beast, and you loved it dearly.
You had named him Pebble, for no greater reason than the smooth grey of his breast feathers, which reminded you of the stones along the Mander where you had played as a child. He came to your windowsill each morning, croaking his hoarse demands, and you obliged him with crumbs of bread and shreds of cold meat saved from your supper. In return, he permitted you to stroke the ruff of his neck and mutter your foolish secrets into the space between his blinking black eyes. It was a small, pitiful comfort.
The Tower of the Hand was a cold place, despite the braziers that burned in every chamber. You had been given rooms near the top, close enough to the Handâs own solar that you might, in theory, encounter your husband on the winding stair. In practice, you saw his servants more often: the silent men in their grey wool cloaks, the Ravenâs Teeth who guarded his door with bows strung across their backs. They nodded to you when you passed, respectful but distant, as though you were a ghost they had been instructed not to disturb.
You were a ghost, in a way. A shade drifting through the Red Keep in your pale gowns, your Houseâs green and gold folded away in chests because wearing them felt like a provocation. Oakheart. The name sat heavy on your tongue these days, a fruit gone bitter on the branch. Your father had played his double game during the rebellion and lost, and you were the price of his redemption, a trueborn daughter gifted to a legitimized bastard, a man who had not wanted you, who had asked for another womanâs hand a thousand times and been refused, and who had accepted you as a lord might accept a parcel of land he had no intention of farming.
You tried not to think of Shiera Seastar. It was impossible.
Her name was everywhere in the Red Keep, whispered by serving girls and sung by minstrels, painted in miniature on ivory pendants that his paramours wore at their throats. The most beautiful woman in the Seven Kingdoms, they called her, and when they said it in your hearing, their eyes would dart to you with something between pity and amusement. See the Oakheart girl, their glances said. See how plain she looks beside the memory of Seastarâs shimmer.
Back in the Reach, you had been called beautiful. You had believed it. Here, you were a candle held up against the sun. Back in the Reach, you were praised as a proper lady, and Shiera was called a shameless whore with nothing more than derision. But King's Landing valued influence, the ability to captivate and draw interest, which Shiera had in abundance.
You did not hate her. Hatred required energy you did not possess. But you feared her. You feared the day she would return to court, trailing silk and scandal behind her, and you would have to stand beside your husband and watch his single eye follow her across the hall. You feared the quiet, courteous dismissal that would surely follow. You had married a man who loved another woman. It was a common enough fate for highborn ladies, you knew, but knowing it did not make your marriage bed any warmer.
You spent your days wandering. The gardens, with their rose trellises and marble fountains, their sharp-scented herbs and imported lemon trees shivering in the sea wind. The library, where you read histories of the Seven Kingdoms until the words blurred before your eyes. The sept, where you knelt before the Maiden and asked for guidance that never came. And the stairway that spiraled up to the Handâs solar, where you would sometimes sit on the cold stone steps with a book open on your lap, close enough to hear the murmur of voices beyond the iron-banded door, the scratch of a quill, the rustle of parchment. You never knocked. You were too afraid of being turned away.
It was on one of those steps, three moons into your marriage, that Brynden Rivers finally spoke to you about the raven.
You had Pebble on your knee, feeding him strips of roasted capon you had wrapped in a napkin and smuggled from the kitchens. The bird was growing stout, you could see it in the way his breast swelled over his claws, the way he waddled rather than hopped when he moved along the windowsill. You had noticed but you had not cared. You had to keep feeding him so he wouldn't leave you as well.
âWhat am I doing, Pebble?â you whispered. âWhat am I doing here? My husband does not want me. The court does not see me. My familyâs name is a jest and a warning both. I am a wife in name only, and I do not know how to become anything more. I was not taught how to be a wife to a man like him. I was taught how to be a wife to a lord who wanted a gentle lady to manage his household and bear his children. But Lord Bloodraven has a household that manages itself and no desire for children of his body, or so they say.â You paused, your fingers stilling on the ravenâs feathers. âPerhaps he would want children if they were Shieraâs.â
The raven croaked.
You stroked the ravenâs feathers again, and your voice cracked. âI am even afraid that you will leave me, Pebble. You are the only friend I have in this place. Please do not fly away.â
The door to the solar opened. You scrambled to your feet, the napkin falling from your lap, capon scattering across the stone. Pebble let out an indignant caw and flapped onto the windowsill, his wings laboring under his weight.
Lord Bloodraven stood in the doorway.
His hair, silver-white, fell straight to his shoulders, and his skin was so pale it seemed to drink the light. The red birthmark that crept up his neck and cheek, the source of his name, was vivid as a splash of wine against snow. He wore black, and the eye that fixed on you now was the deep, unsettling red of dying embers.
The other eye was gone. A pale, smooth scar ran from brow to cheekbone, and beneath it, a dark hollow that seemed to see more than any living eye could.
âMy lady wife,â he said. His voice was quiet, precise, each word placed as carefully as a stone on a cyvasse board.
âMy lord.â You dropped into a curtsy, your heart hammering. You had not expected him to emerge. He rarely did before the hour of the bat. âForgive me, I did not mean to disturb you. I was only...â
His gaze had moved past you to the raven. Pebble was worrying at a shred of capon, his beak tearing at the meat with smug contentment. Bloodravenâs expression did not change, but the air shifted, a faint tightening like the pause before a thunderclap.
âThat is my raven,â he said.
âYes, my lord. I hope you do not mind. He comes to my window, and I...â
âHe is fat.â
The words fell like a stone into still water. You felt heat rise to your cheeks, the familiar burn of mortification. Your fingers twisted in the folds of your skirt, a pale lavender silk, pretty and demure. Here in the grey light of the tower it seemed washed-out and childish. You were a woman grown, a wife, and yet you felt like a girl being scolded by her septa for some minor transgression.
âI have been feeding him,â you admitted in a small voice.
Bloodraven stepped forward. His movements were unsettlingly smooth. He lifted one long-fingered hand, and the raven, your Pebble, your greedy, ungrateful Pebble, fluttered up to perch on his wrist without the slightest hesitation, as though you had never existed.
âA raven of the Tower must be lean,â Bloodraven said, stroking the birdâs breast with one pale thumb. Pebble closed his eyes in bliss. âHe must fly swiftly over distances that would exhaust a lesser bird. He must carry messages through weather that would kill a hawk. He must be quick, clever, and sharp as a blade.â
He turned that burning red eye back to you.
âYou have made him useless.â
The words struck harder than they should have. You had not thought yourself capable of tears, you had not wept once since leaving the Reach, not at your wedding, not on your wedding night when your husband failed to come to your bed, not in all the lonely days that followed, but now your throat tightened and your vision swam. You blinked rapidly, fighting it down, but a single tear escaped and traced a burning path down your cheek.
You ducked your head, hoping he had not seen. The silence stretched, unbearable.
âI am sorry,â you whispered. âI did not know. He came to me. He seemed friendly. I only offered him kindness.â
âFriendly.â He said the word as if it were a foreign concept. His blood-eye seemed to gleam in the half-light, and for a moment you could have sworn you saw the ravenâs reflection in it, a dark bird within a darker pool. âRavens are tools, my lady. They are not pets. This one has been made useless by your kindness.â
The word useless stung again. You dropped your gaze to the floor again, studying the worn flagstones beneath your slippers. âI apologise. I will not feed it anymore.â
You did not wait for a response. You gathered your skirts and fled down the winding stair, your slippers slapping against the stone, your breath coming in short, hitching gasps. You did not stop until you reached your chambers, where you threw yourself onto the great empty bed and buried your face in the pillows and wept until there was nothing left inside you.
You did not go to the Tower the next day, nor the day after that. You kept to your rooms, claiming a headache when your maids inquired. You took your meals alone, the food tasteless on your tongue. You did not open your shutters, though you heard the scratch of claws on the sill more than once. You could not bear to see Pebble, to see the raven who had abandoned you as easily as breathing, who had flown to his masterâs hand without a backward glance.
It was on the third day that a servant knocked at your door and informed you that the Hand of the King required your presence in his solar.
You dressed carefully, your hands trembling on the laces of your gown. You chose a dress of pale green, the color of new leaves, the closest you dared come to the Oakheart colors. You pinned your hair up in a simple coil. You looked, you thought, like a woman preparing for an execution.
The solar was warm, lit by a fire in the great hearth and by candles in iron holders. Books lined the walls, more books than you had ever seen in a private chamber, their spines cracked and worn from use. Maps and charts covered a long table, and in the corner, a perch held three ravens, their heads tucked under their wings.
Bloodraven sat behind a desk of dark oak, a quill in his hand. He did not rise when you entered, but he set the quill down and gestured to a chair across from him.
âSit,â he said.
You sat. Your hands folded in your lap, the picture of a well-bred lady. You had been trained for this, after all: to be still, to be silent, to be pleasing. It was the only weapon you had ever been given.
Bloodraven regarded you for a long moment. In the firelight, the port-wine stain on his cheek seemed to shift and writhe like something alive. His eye, that terrible red eye, seemed to see straight through you, past the careful composure and the pretty dress and into the hollow ache at your center.
âYou have not been to the Tower,â he said.
âI did not wish to disturb you, my lord.â
âYou have not been to the gardens, either. Nor the library. Nor the sept.â He leaned back in his chair, steepling his long fingers. âMy birds tell me things.â
Your heart lurched. The ravens. Of course. You had forgotten, in your misery, the whispers that surrounded your husband like a cloak of shadows. He could see through the eyes of his birds, they said. He could watch the whole of the Seven Kingdoms from his Tower, and nothing escaped his notice. You had thought it a fanciful tale, a legend spun to explain the unerring accuracy of his spy network. But the way he looked at you now made you wonder.
âI have been tired,â you said, which was not entirely a lie.
âYou have been crying.â
The words were blunt, without softening. You flinched, your gaze dropping to your hands.
âMy lady,â Bloodraven said, his tone had shifted. It was not kind, you did not think kindness was in his nature, but it was less cold than before. âLook at me.â
You raised your eyes.
âThe raven,â he said. âYou named him.â
It was not a question. You nodded anyway.
âPebble,â you said, your voice barely above a whisper. âBecause of his breast feathers. They reminded me of home.â
Bloodraven was silent for a moment. Then he rose from his chair and crossed to the window, his back to you, his silver hair catching the firelight.
âI have had many ravens,â he said. âHundreds, over the years. I breed them in the Tower, train them, dispatch them across the realm. They are tools, nothing more. I have never given one a name.â
He turned, his single eye finding you again.
âNo one has ever named one of my ravens before.â
You did not know what to say. You sat frozen, your heart beating a nervous rhythm against your ribs.
âHe is not useless,â Bloodraven said, and there was something akin to curiosity in his voice. âI examined him this morning. He is plump, yes, but he is healthy. His plumage is glossy. His eyes are bright. He is more docile than the others, more accustomed to human touch. There are uses for such a raven.â
He took a step toward you, then another, until he stood before your chair, looking down at you with an expression you could not read.
âI have been a poor husband,â he said.
Your mouth opened but no sound came out.
âI did not ask for this marriage,â he continued, âand neither did you. We were both bound by the kingâs will, and I have not made the binding easier for you. I have beenâŠabsent. Preoccupied.â He paused. âUnkind.â
âMy lord, you have been...â
âDo not,â he said, lifting a hand to stop your protest, âbe polite. I am surrounded by polite people. I find it exhausting.â
You closed your mouth.
Bloodraven lowered his hand. âI loved Shiera,â he said, and the name was a blade between your ribs. âFor many years. I asked for her hand more times than I can count. She always refused. Perhaps she was wise.â His jaw tightened, a flicker of old pain crossing his pale features. âBut she is not my wife. You are.â
He reached down, and before you could react, his fingers closed around your hand. His skin was cool, dry. But his grip was steady.
âI cannot promise you love,â he said. âI am not a man given to tender feeling. The whispers about me are not all false. I am a sorcerer, of a kind. I do see through the eyes of my ravens. I have done things that would make you flinch to hear, and I will likely do more before I am through. I have little patience for the courtly games that fill the days of most highborn ladies.â
He paused, and his thumb brushed once across your knuckles.
âBut I am not cruel without cause. I do not take pleasure in suffering. And I have watched you these three moons, my lady. Through the eyes of my ravens, yes. I have seen you in the gardens, sitting alone on the stone benches. I have seen you in the library, reading the same page over and over because your mind is elsewhere. I have seen you feeding my raven, speaking to him as though he were a friend, because you had no one else to speak to.â
Your face was burning. You wanted to look away, to hide, but his eye held you as surely as a pin holds a butterfly.
âI did not intend to spy,â he said, and there was a note in his voice that might have been regret. âAt first, I was merely curious. Then I was...concerned. You are withering, my lady. Like a flower deprived of light. And I am the one who has kept you in the dark.â
He released your hand and stepped back.
âI would like to propose a truce,â he said. âA beginning. I will not pretend to be something I am not. I will always be busy with the affairs of the realm, always be strange, secretive and perhaps a little frightening for your liking. But I will make an effort to be present. To speak with you. ToâŠknow you.â He tilted his head, a gesture eerily reminiscent of his ravens. âIf you will permit it.â
You stared at him, your heart pounding so loudly you were certain he could hear it. This was not what you had expected. This was not the cold dismissal, the polite abandonment, the quiet return to separate lives. This was an opening, a crack in the armor.
âI would like that,â your voice came out steadier than you had hoped. âMy lord.â
âBrynden,â he corrected. âIf we are to attempt this, you may as well use my name.â
You swallowed. âBrynden.â
The corners of his mouth twitched, the barest suggestion of a smile. âSee? Not so difficult.â
He returned to his desk and picked up his quill, but he did not dismiss you. Instead, he gestured toward a smaller table near the fire, where a tray of fruit and cheese and a pitcher of wine had been laid out.
âStay,â he said. âEat. You have been hiding in your rooms for three days, and I suspect you have not been eating properly.â
You rose from your chair, your legs unsteady beneath you. As you crossed to the table, you saw a perch near the window, separate from the others. On it sat Pebble, his head cocked, his black eyes fixed on you with reproach.
âHe has been sulking,â Brynden said, not looking up from his parchment. âHe does not understand why you stopped coming.â
You reached out a trembling hand and stroked the ravenâs breast. Pebble made a soft sound and pressed his head against your fingers.
âI am sorry,â you murmured to him. âI am here now.â
Behind you, you heard the scratch of the quill pause for just a moment, and then resume.
From that day, you took your evening meals in the solar with Brynden, sitting at the small table by the fire while he worked at his desk. He did not speak much, but he answered when you asked questions, and sometimes he would pause in his writing to ask one of his own. Small things at first: how you found the Red Keep, whether the sea air agreed with you, what books you had been reading. You answered honestly, and he listened with a focus that was almost unnerving, his eye fixed on you as though every word you spoke were a piece of intelligence to be filed away.
Then he started inquiring about your life, so you told him. Your father had pledged fealty to both King Daeron and Daemon Blackfyre, sending one gold and the other men. King Daeron had kept his crown, and House Oakheart's reputation had suffered. Instead of emerging unscathed either way, as Lord Oakheart had intended, the King inflicted punishments on him. His eldest son, your older brother, was assigned to become a Kingsguard. He had to refute his title, land and future of marriage and instead serve as a guard to the same King he had fought against. You, the eldest daughter, were given to Hand of the King as a reward he didn't ask for. A legitimate lady to solidify his standing. Your mother had acted as if everything was fine, which you suspected was for your sake, although you didn't want such strained treatment. And you scarcely saw your brother since arriving in King's Landing, even though you both lived at the Red Keep.
You learned things about him in return. He had been born with the birthmark, with hair already white, and his mother had wept when she first saw him. He had been a poor swordsman as a boy, too thin and frail, so he had turned to the bow out of desperation. He loved his Blackwood sisters. He did not sleep well. He never had.
One evening, a fortnight after your conversation in the solar, you gathered your courage and asked the question that had been burning in your throat since the day you arrived.
âDo you wish I were her?â
The quill stopped. The fire crackled in the silence. Pebble, perched on the back of your chair, shifted his weight from one claw to the other.
Brynden set the quill down slowly. âThat is a foolish question.â
âI am not afraid of the answer.â You were, of course. You were terrified. But you had spent months living in the shadow of a ghost and you could not do it any longer.
He rose from his desk and came to stand before the fire. The flames cast his face in red and gold, the birthmark nearly invisible against the glow. His back was to you.
âI wished for many things,â he said at last. âI wished for her to love me. I wished for her to choose me, just once, over all the others. I wished for a great many foolish things that a wiser man would have let go long ago.â He turned to look at you. âBut I do not wish you were her. You are not her. You are nothing like her, and that isâŠnot a bad thing.â
âI have heard she is the most beautiful woman in the Seven Kingdoms,â you said, and you hated the smallness of your voice, the jealousy that crept in despite your best efforts.
âShe is,â Brynden said, and your heart sank. âBut beauty is a strange thing. Shieraâs beauty is like wildfire: brilliant, consuming, and utterly indifferent to what it destroys. I spent years burning in it, and I have the scars to show. You are different. Your beauty is likeâŠâ He paused, searching for the word. âLike the first green shoots after winter. Blooming. Steady. Something that grows rather than blazes.â
You did not know what to say. Your face felt hot.
âI am not good at this,â Brynden said with a flicker of frustration in his voice. âI am no poet. I do not know how to court my own wife.â
A laugh bubbled up in your throat, unexpected and slightly hysterical. You pressed your hand to your mouth, trying to stifle it, but it escaped anyway, a small, surprised sound that made Bryndenâs eye widen a fraction.
âI do not know how to be courted,â you admitted. âI was taught to be a lady, not a wife. No one ever told me what to do with a husband who did not want a wife.â
âI never said I did not want a wife.â He took a step toward you. âI said I did not ask for this marriage. There is a difference.â
âIs there?â
Another step. He was close enough that you could smell the faint scent of ink and old parchment that clung to his clothes. Close enough that you could see the tiredness around his eye.
âI am learning,â he murmured, âthat I may have wanted something I did not know I did.â
His hand rose, and this time, he did not stop at your fingers. His cool palm cupped your cheek, his thumb brushing the corner of your mouth with a gentleness that contradicted everything you had heard about him: the cold sorcerer, the ruthless spymaster, the man who had killed Daemon Blackfyre and his sons with arrows guided by dark magic. In this moment, he was only a man, touching his wifeâs face for the first time.
âYou are trembling,â he said.
âI am afraid.â
âOf me?â
âOf this ending.â Your voice cracked. âOf Shiera returning. Of waking up tomorrow and finding that you have remembered you do not want me after all.â
His eye searched your face. You had the unsettling sensation that he was seeing more than your skin and bone, more than the fear in your eyes. Seeing into you, the way he saw through the eyes of his ravens.
âShiera is in Lys,â he said. âShe left months ago, before our wedding. She may return someday, she always does, but she is not here now, and she has no claim on me. Whatever I felt for her, it is done. I have been a fool for her long enough.â
He leaned closer, his forehead nearly touching yours.
âAs for waking up tomorrow,â he murmured, âthat is simple. You shall wake up in my bed.â
Your breath caught.
âThe bedding ceremony was waived,â he continued, âbecause I requested it. I did not think it fair to subject you to the courtâs crude jests when we were strangers. But we are not strangers now. Not entirely. And I find that I am tired of sleeping alone in my cold solar while my wife sleeps alone in her cold tower.â
His thumb traced the line of your jaw.
âIf you are willing,â he added, and the hesitation in his voice, the faint uncertainty, undid you completely.
âI am willing,â you whispered.
He kissed you. His lips were cool, like his hands. The kiss was cautious, almost experimental, as though he were tasting a new wine and trying to decide if he liked the vintage. But it deepened, slowly, his hand slid from your cheek to the back of your neck. You felt a knot of tension loosen in your chest.
When he pulled back, his breathing was slightly unsteady.
âYou will not be alone.â He took your hand again, this time, he laced his fingers through yours. âI have a thousand eyes. Some of them will always be watching over you.â
It was perhaps the strangest declaration of affection any woman had ever received. But you found yourself smiling anyway, a real smile, the first you had worn since leaving the Reach.
That night, you did not return to your lonely tower rooms. You slept in the Handâs bed, in the Handâs arms, and though he did not sleep, he had told you he rarely did, he held you in the darkness, his fingers tracing idle patterns on your shoulder.
In the morning, you woke to find him already dressed, standing at the window with the pale dawn light on his hair. He turned when he heard you stir.
âGood morning, my lady.â
âGood morning, Brynden.â
He crossed to the bed and sat on its edge. From behind his back, he produced a single winter rose, its petals white as fresh snow, its center a deep, vivid blue.
âThere are no winter roses in Kingâs Landing,â you said, taking it with trembling fingers. âHow did you...?â
âI have my ways,â he said, the faint smile on his lips was no longer tentative. It was the smile of a man who had unraveled a mystery and found the answer rather pleasing.
You lifted the rose to your nose and breathed in its sweet, cold scent. Through the window, you saw a raven circling against the pale sky, not Pebble but another, its black wings cutting the air with swift precision. It was returning home, carrying something in its beak.
âWhat is he bringing?â you asked.
âA letter,â Brynden said. âFrom the Arbor. Lord Redwyne is plotting something tedious involving wine tariffs.â He paused. âWould you like to watch me unravel it?â
âYes,â you said. âI would like that very much.â
He offered you his hand, you took it.
Pebble, watching from his perch, let out a satisfied croak and followed you and your husband up the winding stair to the solar.
Part 2: coming soon...
a/n: Please don't let this flop guys, I have an entire series planned out.
a/n: Voluntary donations are accepted on Ko-fi, your support helps me write more: https://ko-fi.com/catbayunthestoryteller <3
a/n: Comment if you'd like to be added to the series taglist. Rn I'm tagging those who went along with my freaky birdman propaganda.
Pairing: Valarr Targaryen x Undercover!Soldier!Reader
Genre: disguise, SLOW burn, eventual smut, very slow
Description: You took your father's place in the army, bound your chest, cut your hair, and became Davos Stokeworth. You survived the latrines, the drills, and Ser Mace's cock. You even survived catching Prince Valarr's attention with your archery, but, when an arrow meant for Blackfyre's scouts hits you instead, your secret gets cut away with your tunicâand the Crown Prince discovers his best new archer is a woman who committed treason to save her father's life.
Notes: this chapter is very much a set-up, mulan-meets-kotsk, identity porn, forbidden attraction, he knows you're a girl now and he's fucked, you're fucked, everyone's fucked lmao, war is hell but the sexual tension is much worse i fear, the gender fuckery of it all, im warning you now victorian-level hand touching except it's after he finds out you have tits, cross-posted on ao3, updates will be on here as well tho , i wrote this bit on the plane (no shame)
Word Count: 9.5k (short im sorry), AO3 LINK
You were going to die.
Not in battle. Not with honor. No, you were going to die because you couldnât figure out how to piss standing up without someone noticing you were doing it incorrectly.
The latrines were a communal sack of shitâjust a ditch with a plank over it, no privacy with men lined up shoulder to shoulder like cattle in a field. You'd been holding your piss in for hours, long past the point of pain, but eventually instinct would win. You'd have to figure this out or your bladder would burst.
Think. There has to be a way, you dumb idiot.
âYou sick, boy?â
You jumped. One of your tent matesâSer Mace, a loud gloat with a broken nose and crooked teethâwas watching you with sparked amusement.
âNo,â you retorted.Â
"Then why are you hovering roundâ the toilet like you've never seen one before?" He grinned. "Unless you're shy? That it? Shy little Davos doesn't want the other boys to see his tiny cock?"
Heat flooded across your cheeks. Damn him.
âFuck off, Mace.â Petyrâanother tentmate, the one with the thick northern burrâspoke from somewhere to your left.
"Ain't nothing wrong with embarrassing the young ones," Mace said, grinning wider. Then, before you could turn away, the fat bastard shoved his breeches down and revealed the thickestâno, the first cock you'd ever seen.
Oh, Seven Hells.Â
Your stomach lurched and before you knew it, you were heaving, bent double at eye-level with Ser Mace's obscenely large, hairy, pale cock, vomiting the last of tonight's supper onto the ground.
"Seven hells, the boy's never seen a cock before! What, did your mother raise you in a sept?"
You spat, trying to clear the taste from your mouth, and didn't answer.Â
"Come on." Petyr's hand gripped your shoulder, hauling you upright before Mace had the chance to say anything else. "Let's get you away from this shit before you embarrass yourself further."
You didn't protest, and allowed Petyr to steer you away from the latrines, away from Mace's wheezing laughter and the stink of piss and vomit. Your boots dragged in the mud, and the taste of bile still coated your tongue.
"Boy's got a weak stomach," Petyr called back over his shoulder, loud enough for the others to hear. "Probably ate something that didn't agree with him. You know how it is."
A few men muttered in agreement, some laughed. But Petyr kept walking, kept his grip firm on your shoulder, until you were well away from the crowd. He stopped near the horse lines, far enough from the tents that no one would overhear. Then he let go and turned to face you. The dim light cut shadows across his faceâyou couldn't tell if he looked concerned or just tired.
"You all right?"
"Fine," you managed, your throat burned as you spoke. "I'm fine."
"You don't look fine. You look like you're about to be sick again."
"I'm not,â You stopped and took a breath. "Thank you. For getting me out of there."
Petyr studied you for a long moment. He was older than you by at least a decade, with a weathered face and pale eyes that looked like they'd far more battle than most. Northern, definitelyâyou could hear it in his accent, the flat vowels and rolling r's.
"First time away from home?" he asked finally.
"Yes."
"Thought so." He crossed his arms. "Let me give you some advice, boy. Men like Mace, they can smell fear. Uncertainty. And they'll go after it like hounds on a blood trail. You want to survive this, you need to grow a thicker skin."
You swallowed hard and nodded.
"And for the love of the Seven," Petyr added, his tone softening slightly, "stay away from the latrines when Mace is around. Man's got no sense of decency."
Despite everything, you almost smiled. âAye.â
"Good." Petyr clapped you once on the shoulderâlighter this time, almost friendly. "Now get yourself cleaned up. We've got drills at dawn, and if you show up looking like you've been dragged through the mud, Ser Alyn will have your head."
He started to walk away, then paused and glanced back.
"And Davos? Next time you need to piss, go at night. Find a tree thatâs less crowded."
Then he was gone, leaving you standing alone in the dark.
For a moment, you just stood there, caught between shame and something close to gratitude. Petyr's kindness was strange and certainly unearned. You didn't deserve itânot when everything about you was a lie.
Your feet dragged through the mud as you made your way toward the treeline, away from the glow of cookfires and the noise of the camp. You found a sturdy oak set back from the others, glanced left, then right, and only when you were certain no one was watching did you shove your breeches down and squat.
Finally. The relief was immediate, almost painful.
You rested your forehead against the rough bark and let yourself breathe. Out here, alone in the dark with nothing but the sound of your own piss hitting the ground, the reality of what you'd done settled over you like a weight.
This was a mistake. A grave, monumental mistake.
You'd joined the army in your father's place, wearing his name, pretending to be a son who didn't exist. And for what? Your father had been a strong man onceâa knight who'd fought at the Redgrass Field, who'd earned his scars defending the Crown. Now he was weak. Brittle. But at least he was honest.
You were neither strong nor honest. Just desperate and stupid enough to think you could pull this off. Oh Seven Hells, you prayed your parents would forgive you. For stealing your fathers armor, for lying, and above all, for saving him from what would be a certain death. Â Â Â Â Â Â
Dawn arrived too soon, dragging you from fitful sleep with all the gentleness of a boot to the ribs.
Actually, it was a boot to the ribs.
"Up, you lazy cunts!" Ser Alyn's voice cut through the pre-dawn gloom like a blade. "Prince Valarr arrives within the hour, and if any of you look like the sorry sacks of shit you are, I'll have you mucking out the latrines for a fortnight!"
You scrambled upright instantly, heart hammering against your ribs.Â
"Move!" Ser Alyn kicked at another prone formâMace, who cursed and rolled over with a grunt. "Full kit, weapons sharp, armor polished. I want you lot looking like proper soldiers, not hedge knights that crawled out of a ditch."
The tent erupted into instantaneous madness. Men stumbling over each other in the dark, fumbling for boots and belts, cursing as someone stepped on someone else's hand. You pulled on your father's mail shirtâstill too big in the shoulders, too long in the sleevesâand tried to ignore the way your hands shook.
A prince. Gods be good, a prince.
"Davos, you look green," Petyr muttered as he shouldered past you, already half-dressed. "Don't tell me you're going to puke again."
"I'm fine."
"You said that last night too."
You had no answer for Petyr. Your fingers fumbled with the buckles of your sword belt, and you had to start over twice before you got it right. Around you, the other men were doing the sameâstrapping on armor, checking blades, some of them grumbling about the early hour but most of them looked eager.
And why wouldnât they be? This was a chance to impress a prince. The prince, to catch the eye of Valarr Targaryen himself, heir to the bloody throne was worth more than winning every fucking upcoming battle.Â
You, however, just wanted to survive the day without anyone noticing you were a girl.
The drill yard was a mud-churned mess by the time you assembled, boots squelching in the muck as Ser Alyn paced before the ragged line of soldiers. Fifty men, give or take. Some were knights, others common-born soldiers like you were pretending to be. All of them looked rough and tired, though a few had clearly made an effortâarmor buffed to a dull shine, beards trimmed, tabards only mostly stained.
"Listen up!" Ser Alyn ordered. "Prince Valarr is inspecting the camp today. That means you stand straight, you keep your mouths shut unless spoken to, and you do notâI repeat, do notâembarrass me or yourselves. Understood?"
"Yes, ser!" The response was uneven, half-hearted.
Ser Alyn's face darkened. "I said, understood, you fucking lump of idiots?â
"YES, SER!"
Better. You shouted along with the rest of them, throat still raw from last night.
"Good. Now we're going to run drills. Formation work, nothing fancy. When the prince arrives, you'll be in the middle of a proper bloody exercise, not standing around with your thumbs up your arses. Got it?"
"Yes, ser!"
And so, the circus began.
Shield wall drills. Over and over, forming up in lines, shields overlapping, holding the formation as Ser Alyn walked the line and kicked at anyone whose stance was too wide or too narrow. Your shield was too heavy, the rim digging into your forearm, and your shoulder already ached from the weight of the mail. But you held on, you had to.
"Tighter!" Ser Alyn roared. "If a man can shove a dagger through that gap, Davos, you're a dead man! Closer!"
You adjusted, pressing your shield against Petyr's on your left. The man on your rightâsome grizzled old bastard whose name you didn't knowâshoved back, and you nearly stumbled.
"Steady, boy," the old man muttered.
You gritted your teeth and held. The sun climbed higher. Sweat trickled down your spine, soaking into the padded gambeson beneath the mail. Your arms burned. Your legs trembled. But you didn't break, you refused, especially not with a prince coming.
And thenâ
"COMPANY, HALT!"
The entire line went still, shields snapping up, breaths ragged.
Hoofbeats. From the edge of the yard, riders appeared. Three of them. Noâfour. The first was a Kingsguard knight, white cloak billowing behind him, armor brilliant even in the morning haze. Behind him came a pair of squires, both young and finely dressed.
Then, Prince Valarr.
You'd expected what exactly? A golden god? A dragon in human flesh?
What you saw instead was a man. Handsome, yesâdark-haired with that telltale streak of silver running through it, bright as a banner. He sat his horse, his armor black enameled steel chased with red, the three-headed dragon of House Targaryen emblazoned on his breastplate. Younger than you'd imagined. No more than five and twenty, if even that.
He dismounted and handed his reins to one of the squires, and started toward the formation. You kept your eyes forward, focusing on the back of the man's head in front of you, on the mud, on anything except the prince walking closer. Around you, the other soldiers stood straighter, chests puffed out like roosters.
Valarr walked the line slowly, hands clasped behind his back. You could hear the soft clink of his armor, the squelch of his boots in the mud. He stopped here and there to exchange words with the menâasked their names, where they hailed from, how long they'd been in service. "You're all here because the realm needs you," Valarr said, raising his voice so the whole line could hear.
"Some of you are knights. Some are common-born. That doesn't matter. What matters is whether you can hold a line when steel is singing and men are dying around you. Whether you'll stand for your brothers, for the king, for the realm." He paused, letting the words settle. "Do that, and you'll have my respect. Fail..." He didn't finish the sentence. Didn't need to.
The silence that followed was heavy, broken only by the restless stamp of a horse's hoof and the distant clang of a smithy.
"Carry on, Ser Alyn," Valarr said, turning back toward his mount.
"Yes, Your Grace!" Ser Alyn's voice cracked like a whip. "You heard the prince! Back to it! Shield wall, reform!"
The line broke apart and began reassembling, and you moved with it, grateful for something to do with your hands. Your heart was still hammering, your palms slick with sweat inside your gloves. You'd been so certain he would see through you. That those pale blue eyes would land on you and know, somehow, that you didn't belong here. That you were a lie, but he hadn't even looked your way.
"Not so bad, eh?" Petyr muttered as he slotted into place beside you, shield raised. "Thought you were going to piss yourself when he started talking."
"Fuck off," you said, but there was no heat in it.
Petyr snorted. "There's the spirit. Now shut up and hold your shield higher. Ser Alyn's watching."
Supper was a grim affair.
Stew againâwatery and flavorless, with chunks of something that might have been turnip or might have been boot leather. You ate it anyway, scooping it up with stale bread and trying not to think about the meals you'd had at home. Around you, the men were louder than usual, their voices carrying over the crackle of the cookfire.
"Three days," Garrett was saying, grinning wide enough to show the gap where he'd lost a tooth. "Heard it from one of the quartermasters. Supply train's coming in three days, and there's a whole wagon of whores with it."
"About fucking time," Mace said, shoving a hunk of bread into his mouth. "Been here two weeks and I haven't had a woman since we left King's Landing. I'm about ready to fuck a knothole in a tree."
Laughter rippled through the group. Even Petyr cracked a smile, though he didn't join in the commentary.
"You think they'll be pretty?" the young oneâBenedictâasked. He couldn't have been more than six and ten, all gangly limbs.
"Pretty?" Tym snorted. "Boy, they're camp followers. They're not pretty, they're available. That's all that matters."
More laughter. You kept your eyes on your bowl, chewing mechanically.Â
"What about you, Davos?" Mace leaned across the fire, his grin turning sharp. "You ever had a woman? Or are you still a blushing maiden?"
Your face heated. "I've had women."
"Right." Mace laughed. "You probably pissed yourself the first time you saw a pair of tits, same as you did with my cock."
"I didn't piss myself.â
"Close enough!" Mace clapped his hands together, delighted. "The boy's a virgin. I'm calling it now. When those whores get here, we're all chipping in to buy Davos his first fuck."
"Leave him alone," Petyr said mildly, not looking up from his stew.
"Câmon Petyr, I'm not being cruel," Mace spread his hands in mock innocence. "Every boy needs his first. Might as well make it memorable."
You wanted to tell him to fuck off. Wanted to throw your bowl at his smug face. Instead, you forced yourself to take another bite of bread and said nothing. The conversation moved onâspeculation about which whores would be prettiest, arguments over pricing, Tym boasting about some woman he'd bedded in Flea Bottom who could allegedly do things with her mouth that defied the laws of gods and men. You let it wash over you, background noise, and focused on finishing your supper.
You were scraping the last of the stew from your bowl when a shadow fell over the fire.
"Davos Stokeworth."
You looked up to see Ser Alyn standing at the edge of the circle, his expression unreadable in the firelight.
Your stomach dropped. "Ser?"
"With me. Now."
The men around the fire went quiet, watching. You set down your bowl and stood, wiping your hands on your breeches. Petyr caught your eye, gave you a small nodâyou'll be fineâbut it did nothing to settle the dread coiling in your gut. You followed Ser Alyn away from the fire, into the shadows between the tents.
"You're serving wine tonight," he said without preamble. "The prince is hosting his officers for supper. They need someone to pour, and you're,â he looked you up and down, his lip curling slightly. âWell youâre small boy. We need someone whoâs obtrusive. So, you'll do just fine.â
"Ser, but, I'm a soldier." You began to protest.
"You're a boy who can barely hold a shield," Ser Alyn cut you off. "This is where you're useful. Now stop arguing and get yourself to the quartermaster. He'll give you something clean to wear. You report to the prince's pavilion at sundown. If you spill so much as a drop on anyone important, I'll have you mucking out the latrines for a month. Understood?"
Your jaw clenched. "Yes, ser."
"Good. Now go."
He turned and walked away, leaving you standing alone in the dark. Behind you, you could hear the men around the fire laughing again, their voices carrying on the night air. Talking about whores. About their women back home. About things you were supposed to want but couldn't even pretend to care about.
You closed your eyes and exhaled slowly. Serving wine to the fucking prince of the realm nonetheless. To a pavilion full of officers who would be looking at you, studying you, waiting for you to make a mistake.
This was going to be a goddamn disaster.
The quartermaster's tent smelled like sweat, leather, and a mix of other shit. You ducked inside, blinking against the sudden brightness. Lanterns hung from the tent poles, casting flickering light over tables piled high with suppliesâboots, belts, rolls of cloth, dented helmets waiting to be repaired. At the far end, hunched over a ledger, sat the quartermaster himself.
He was a wiry man, older, with ink-stained fingers eyes that squinted from too much close work. He didn't look up when you entered.
"Name," he said.
"Davos Stokeworth. Ser Alyn sent me. Said I needâ"
"I know what you need." He set down his quill and stood, moving to one of the tables. "Serving the officers tonight, are you? Lucky boy."
He didn't sound like he thought you were lucky. The quartermaster pulled a tunic from one of the piles and held it up, and eyed you. "You're a small one. This should fit." He tossed it to you. "Put it on. Let's see."
You caught the tunic and hesitated. It was clean, at leastâdark blue wool, simple but well-made. Better than anything you'd worn since arriving at camp.
"Well? I haven't got all night, boy."
You turned your back, fingers fumbling with the laces of your gambeson. The binding beneath was still tight, still holding, but your ribs ached with every breath. You pulled the gambeson over your head as quickly as you could, then shrugged into the tunic.
It fit. Barely. The shoulders were a bit wide, but it would do.
"Turn around."
You obeyed and the quartermaster circled you slowly, tugging at the fabric here and there, making small disapproving noises.Â
"You'll pass," he said finally. "Barely. Do you know how to serve wine, or am I going to have to explain that too?"
"I know how."
"Good. Because if you embarrass Ser Alyn, he'll take it out on me, and I'll take it out on you. Understood?"
"Yes, ser."
"I'm not a ser, I'm a quartermaster. Just call me Orys." He moved back to his ledger, already dismissing you. "The prince's pavilion is at the center of camp. Big one, you can't miss it. Be there before sundown, and for the love of the Seven, don't drop anything."
You nodded and turned to leave.
"And boy?"
You stopped, glanced back.
Orys was watching you with an odd expressionâsomething like pity. "Keep your head down. Don't speak unless spoken to. The officers, they like their wine and they like their talk. You do not exist there remember that and you'll be fine."
"Aye," you said quietly.
Then you stepped back out into the evening air and started walking toward the center of camp.
The prince's pavilion was impossible to miss. It stood at the heart of the camp, twice the size of any other tent, pitch black with the three-headed dragon of House Targaryen flying from the peak. Torches burned on either side of the entrance, and two guards in crimson cloaks stood at attention, their hands resting on the pommels of their swords.
You slowed as you approached, your mouth going dry. This was insane. You were about to walk into a tent full of knights and officers and pour their wine like someâlike some servant. Like you weren't the daughter of a knight yourself, like you hadn't been raised with tutors and music lessons.Â
Stop it. You're not that person anymore. You're Davos. A soldier. A nobody.
"Davos Stokeworth," you said, pitching your voice low. "Ser Alyn sent me. I'm to serve tonight."
One of the guardsâa broad-shouldered man with a scar running down his cheekâlooked you up and down. "You're late."
"Iâ"
"Get inside. They're already seated."
He jerked his head toward the entrance. You didn't wait to be told twice.
Inside, the pavilion was warm and bright, lit by what felt like a dozen lanterns hanging from the support beams. A long table dominated the center of the space, and around it sat perhaps a dozen menâknights, officers, all of them older and harder-looking than you'd expected. Their armor was piled near the tent walls, and they'd stripped down to tunics and leather jerkins, sleeves rolled up, looking almost human.
Almost.
At the head of the table sat Prince Valarr.
He was laughing at something one of the other men had said, his head tilted back, that streak of silver in his hair catching the lamplight. He looked different like this. Younger, less a prince and more just a man sharing a meal with his friends.
Then his eyes swept across the room and landed on you and the laughter died.
"Ah," he said, straightening. "You must be the cupbearer Ser Alyn mentioned."
Every head at the table turned to look at you.
Your throat closed up and you managed what would be a very, very, sad, and stiff bow. "Yes, Your Grace. Davos Stokeworth."
"Stokeworth." Valarr's brow furrowed slightly, like he was trying to place the name. Then he nodded. "Well, Davos Stokeworth, welcome. The wine is thereâ" He gestured to a table set against the side of the pavilion, where several pitchers and flagons waited. "Start with Ser Alyn, if you would. The man looks like he needs it."
A few of the officers chuckled. Ser Alyn, seated near the middle of the table, grunted and held out his cup without looking at you.
"Move, boy," someone muttered. "We're thirsty."
Right. Move. You crossed to the side table, hands trembling as you picked up one of the pitchers. It was heavier than you'd expected, the wine sloshing inside. You carried it carefully to Ser Alyn and poured, focusing on keeping your hands steady, on not spilling a single drop.
The wine filled his cup. You stepped back.
"Next," Ser Alyn said.
You moved down the line. One officer after another, pouring wine, setting down the pitcher, picking up another when the first ran dry. The men barely looked at you. A few muttered thanks. Most ignored you entirely, already deep in conversation.
"âheard Daemon's forces are larger than we thoughtâ"
"âdoesn't matter, we've got the numbersâ"
"âif it comes to a siege, we're fucked. We don't have the suppliesâ"
You kept your head down, kept pouring, kept being invisible.
And then you reached the head of the table. Prince Valarr held out his cup, his eyes on one of the other officers as he spoke. "Ser Jorin, you were saying about the Stormlands?"
"Yes, Your Grace." The manâSer Jorin, apparentlyâwas older, grizzled, with a thick beard gone mostly gray. "Reports say Blackfyre's already taken Bronzegate. If he pushes northâ"
You poured the wine. Your hands were steadier now, the repetition helping. The cup filled. You started to step back.
"Careful, boy." Valarr's hand shot out, steadying the pitcher before you could pull it away too quickly. His fingers brushed yoursâwarm, callousedâand you froze.
He was looking at you now. Truly looking with those blue eyes sharp and curious. Your heart pounded against your chest, and you looked away from the intense gaze.
Seven Hells, get it fucking together.Â
"Easy," he said quietly. "No rush."
"Yes, Your Grace," you managed. âMy apologies, Your Grace."
He smiledâjust a flicker, there and gone. "No harm done." Then he released the pitcher and turned back to Ser Jorin. "Go on."
You stepped back, heart hammering, and moved to the next officer.
He touched you. He looked at you. It's fine. You're fine. He doesn't know. He can't know.
You finished pouring and retreated to the side table, standing with your back to the wall, waiting for someone to need a refill. The conversation at the table continued, voices rising and falling, debates about strategy and supplies and how many men Daemon Blackfyre had really brought with him. You tried to listen, tried to focus on anything other than the way your pulse was still racing.
And then Valarr laughed again, and despite every nerve in your body telling you to do the goddamn opposite, you looked up. He was smiling at something Ser Alyn had said, his whole face transformed by it. He looked, gods, he looked like someone you could actually talk to.Â
You forced your eyes back down and prayed for the night to end quickly.
The wine flowed freely.
You'd lost count of how many times you'd circled the table, pitcher in hand, filling cups that never seemed to stay full for long. The officers drank like men who knew tomorrow might be their last day, and the conversation grew louder, looser, as the night wore on.
"âswear to you, she had tits out to hereâ" Ser Jorin was gesturing wildly, nearly knocking over his cup. You darted forward to steady it, refilled it without a word, stepped back.
"You're full of shit," another officer said, laughing. "No woman in Flea Bottom has tits that big."
"I'm telling you, she did!â
"What about you, Your Grace?" This from a younger knight, his face flushed with drink. "Any ladies caught your eye? Half the realm's probably throwing their daughters at you by now."
Valarr leaned back in his chair, swirling the wine in his cup. His eyes were brightânot quite drunk, but well on his way. "I've had offers."
"Offers!" Ser Alyn barked out a laugh. "The boy's had every lord from here to the Wall trying to marry off their daughters. I've seen the letters."
"And?"
"And nothing." Valarr drank, set his cup down with a soft thunk. "I'm not interested in marrying another lords political ambitions wrapped up in a pretty dress."
"Aye, so you want an ugly wife, then?" Ser Jorin grinned.
"I want a wife I can actually talk to." Valarr's voice was easy, but there was something sharper underneath. "Someone with a mind. Someone who isn't going to smile and nod and bore me to death at the breakfast table."
"Good luck finding that," someone muttered.
"Maybe I'll marry a warrior." Valarr was smiling now, the wine making him reckless. "Someone who can hold a sword. Wouldn't that scandalize the court?"
Laughter rippled around the table. You refilled Ser Alyn's cup, moved to the next man, kept your face blank.
"A warrior wife," Ser Jorin mused. "I'd pay good coin to see that. Can you imagine? Some woman in armor, telling the prince what to do."
"Sounds like a nightmare," another officer said.
"Sounds like a good time," Valarr countered. He drained his cup and held it out. You stepped forward automatically, pitcher raised. His eyes flicked up to yours as you pouredâjust for a momentâand you felt the weight of it. Your hand trembled, just slightly. The wine splashed against the rim of the cup.
Steady. Steady.
You pulled back before you could spill.
"Thank you," Valarr said quietly.
You nodded, stepped away. Your heart was beating too fast, a sick, fluttering organ trapped behind your ribs. The talk shifted again and someone was telling a story about a brothel in Lys. Another was complaining about his horse. The voices blurred together, and you stood against the wall, hands clasped behind your back, and tried to breathe.
The binding was too tight. Your chest ached, every breath felt like dragging air through wet cloth.
Not now. Not here.
You locked your knees and waited. It was well past midnight when Valarr finally pushed back from the table.
"Enough," he said, standing. The word was slightly softer at the edges, blurred by wine. "We ride at dawn. Get some sleep."
The officers roseâsome steadier than othersâand began filtering out of the pavilion in twos and threes, clapping each other on the shoulders, still laughing about something. Ser Alyn paused to mutter something to Valarr, too low for you to hear, and then he was gone too. You stayed where you were, back against the wall. You were supposed to wait until the tent cleared. Until someone dismissed you.
And then it was just you and the prince.
Valarr stood by the table, one hand braced against the back of his chair, staring down at the maps spread across the surface. For a long moment, he said nothing. Just stood there, silent, his shoulders tight. Then he spoke without looking up.
"You're dismissed," he said.
You bowed and left, thanking the gods.
You woke to Mace's boot nudging your ribs.
"Up, cupbearer. Can't sleep all day just because you spent the night pouring wine for fancy lords."
You groaned and rolled over, every muscle in your body screaming. The ground beneath your bedroll was hard as stone, and the binding around your chest had left deep aches in your ribs. You'd barely slept three hours.
"Fuck off, Mace," you mumbled.
"Ooh, the boy's got a mouth on him this morning." Mace grinned down at you. "How was it? They treat you nice? Feed you scraps from the prince's table?"
"It was fine." You sat up slowly, rubbing your face. Your head pounded. Around you, the tent was already half-empty. Petyr was goneâprobably at the latrines or getting food. Benedict sat in the corner, polishing his sword and looking like someone who had no idea what he was doing. Tym was still asleep, snoring like a dying animal.
"Word is there's archery practice today," Mace said, pulling on his boots. "Ser Alyn wants to see who can actually shoot and who's been lying about it."
Your head snapped up. "Archery?"
"Aye. Apparently we're short on archers, and if Blackfyre's forces have the high ground when we meet them, we're fucked." He stood, stretching. "You know how to shoot, Davos?"
You hesitated. "A bit."
"A bit." Mace snorted. "Well, you'd better pray you're better than 'a bit,' because Ser Alyn's in a foul mood. Anyone who can't hit a target's getting assigned to cleaning shit for a week."
He ducked out of the tent, still laughing. You sat there for a moment, heart pounding.
Archery. Gods.
The range was set up in a wide clearing beyond the horse linesâa dozen straw targets propped against wooden frames, each marked with rough circles of charcoal. Men were already gathering, maybe forty or fifty of them, talking in low voices while Ser Alyn stood at the front with his arms crossed.
You hung back near the edge of the crowd, trying to stay invisible.
"All right, listen up!" Ser Alyn's voice cut through the chatter like a blade. "We need archers. Good ones. If you can shoot, step forward. If you can't, fuck off back to your tents."
A few men stepped forward immediatelyâolder soldiers, veterans with the scarred hands of bowmen. Others hesitated, shuffling their feet.
"Come on, don't be shy!" Ser Alyn barked. "I don't care if you've only shot a bow twice in your life. Get up here."
More men moved forward. You stayed where you were.
"You too, boy."
You looked up. Ser Alyn was staring directly at you.
"Me, ser?"
"Yes, you. You've got the build for it. Small, light. Good for a longbowman." He jerked his chin toward the line forming near the targets. "Get over there."
Your stomach sank. "Ser, I donât.â
"That wasn't a request, boy.â
You swallowed and stepped forward, joining the ragged line of men. Mace caught your eye from across the clearing and grinned, mouthing good luck. Ser Alyn walked down the line, eyeing each man. When he reached you, he paused.
"You ever shot a bow before, Davos?"
"A few times, ser," you lied. Orâno, it wasn't a lie. You just didn't mention how many times. "My father taught me."
"Good. Let's see what you've got." He moved to the center of the range and raised his voice. "First round! Fifty paces! You'll each get three arrows. Hit the target, you stay. Miss all three, you're done. Understood?"
"Yes, ser!"
One of the soldiers handed you a bowâa simple recurve, nothing fancy, but solid enough. The wood was worn smooth from use. You tested the string, felt the tension. It was heavier than the bow you'd trained with at home, but not by much. Three arrows. You nocked the first one, feeling the familiar weight of it, the way the fletching brushed against your fingers.
The first man stepped up to the line. He drew, aimed, loosed.
The arrow hit the edge of the target. Barely.
"Next!"
Another man. Another shot. This one missed entirely, burying itself in the dirt three feet to the left.
âFucking pathetic! Next!"
You watched them, one after another. Some hit. Most didn't. Your turn was coming, and your heart was pounding so hard you could feel it in your throat.
"You! Boy! Step up!"
You moved to the line. Fifty paces. The target looked small from here, just a circle of straw and charcoal. You raised the bow, feeling the weight of it settle into your grip and drew the string back. You loosed and the arrow flew straight and true, slamming into the target dead center.
Silence.
You blinked, staring at the target. You hadn't meant toâyou'd just shot. Just let your body do what it knew how to do.
"Well, shit," someone muttered behind you.
Ser Alyn was staring at you, his expression unreadable. "Again."
You nocked the second arrow. Drew. Loosed.
It hit an inch from the first.
"Again."
Third arrow. This one split the difference between the first two, all three clustered in the center of the target so close together you could barely see the gaps. The clearing had gone quiet. Every man was staring at you now. Ser Alyn walked over to the target, examined the arrows, then turned back to look at you. His face was hard to readâsomewhere between impressed and suspicious.
"Where the fuck did you learn to shoot like that?" he asked.
Your mouth went dry. "My father, ser. Heâhe was good. Taught me when I was young."
"Your father must've been a gods-damned master archer." Ser Alyn pulled one of the arrows from the target and turned it over in his hands. "I've seen knights who can't shoot this clean."
You didn't know what to say to that. Ser Alyn looked at you for a long moment, then nodded slowly. "You're staying on the line. Let's see if you can do it again."
The next round started. Seventy-five paces this time. You hit the target. So did a handful of others, but most fell away, their shots going wide or falling short. One hundred paces. You hit the center again. Only three other men managed to hit the target at all.
One hundred and fifty paces. The target was barely visible now, just a smudge of straw in the distance.
You drew. Aimed. Felt the wind against your face, adjusted for it without thinking.
Loosed.
The arrow arced high, then dropped, slamming into the target just left of center. When Ser Alyn walked down to check, he stood there for a long moment, hands on his hips, staring at the arrow.
Then he turned and shouted back toward the range: "Someone get the prince. He needs to see this."
Your blood went cold.
No. No no noâ
But it was too late. Across the clearing, one of the squires was already running toward the center of camp.
Prince Valarr arrived on horseback, flanked by two of his knights. He dismounted and walked toward the range as you kept your eyes down, your heart hammering so hard you thought it might crack your ribs. This was bad, very fucking bad.Â
Ser Alyn met him halfway, speaking too low for you to hear. Valarr listened, his expression unreadable, then his eyes swept across the line of men until they landed on you. He studied you for a moment and then nodded to Ser Alyn.
"Show me," he said.
Ser Alyn gestured you forward. "Davos. One more shot. Two hundred paces."
Two hundred paces. The target was barely a speck at this distance, the wind strong enough that you could feel it pulling at your clothes. You nocked an arrow with hands that wanted to shake, forced them steady. You could feel every eye on youâthe soldiers, Ser Alyn, the prince. Especially the prince. You drew the string back until your fingers touched the corner of your mouth, felt the tension singing through the bow, and let everything else fall away. Just you and the target. Just the wind and the weight of the arrow and the moment before release.
You loosed.
The arrow flew in a long, clean arc, cutting through the air like it had been drawn there by an invisible hand. It struck the target high and right, just inside the outer ring. Not perfect. But at two hundred paces, in the wind, it was more than good enough. Valarr walked down to the target himself this time, Ser Alyn trailing behind him. He pulled the arrow free, examined it, then looked back at you across the distance. You couldn't read his expression from here, but the fact that he was looking at all made your stomach clench.
When he returned, he stopped in front of you, turning the arrow over in his hands. "Your father taught you to shoot?" he asked.
âYes, Your Grace," you said, keeping your voice low and steady.
"He must have been very skilled." Valarr handed the arrow back to you. "Or you're a natural. Either way, I have use for someone who can shoot like that." He glanced at Ser Alyn. "I'll take him."
Ser Alyn's brow furrowed. "Your Grace?"
"Send him to my tent after midday. I want to speak with him privately." Valarr's eyes flicked back to you. "Well done, Davos. It seems you're full of surprises."
Then he turned and walked back to his horse. You stood there, heart in your throat, arrow still clutched in your hand.
What in Seven Hells have you gotten yourself into?
You stood outside the prince's pavilion, trying to steady your breathing.
Midday had come too quickly. You'd spent the morning in a haze of dread, barely hearing the jokes and questions from your tentmates. Mace had clapped you on the shoulder so hard you'd nearly stumbled, crowing about how "little Davos" had shown up half the camp. Petyr had just looked at you with something like concern and said nothing.
Now you were here, and the guards were watching you, and there was no avoiding it.
"The prince is expecting you," one of them said, jerking his head toward the entrance.
You ducked inside. The pavilion was quieter than it had been last night. No crowd of officers, no wine-loosened laughter. Just Valarr, standing at the table with maps spread out before him, still in his riding leathers. He looked up when you entered.
"Davos. Come here."
You crossed to the table, stopped a respectful distance away. Your hands wanted to fidget. You locked them behind your back.
Valarr studied you for a moment, then gestured to the maps. "Do you know what these are?"
You glanced down. Terrain maps, troop movements marked in different colored ink. "Battle plans, Your Grace."
"Close enough." He tapped a spot on the largest mapâa river crossing, forests marked on either side. "Daemon Blackfyre's forces are moving north. We know their general direction, but not their numbers. Not their exact position. If we're going to meet them, we need better intelligence."
You nodded, unsure where this was going.
"I need scouts," Valarr continued. "Fast, quiet, with good eyes. Someone who can get close without being seen and get out again without getting killed." His gaze flicked up to you. "You're small and light. And clearly you can shoot well enough to defend yourself if things go wrong. That makes you useful."
Your stomach dropped through the floor. "Your Grace, I'm notâ"
"You're not a soldier?" He raised an eyebrow. "You volunteered, didn't you? Came here in your father's place?"
"Yes, Your Grace.â
"Then you're a soldier. And soldiers do what they're told." He straightened, crossing his arms. "I'm assigning you to reconnaissance. You'll ride out tomorrow with two others, get close to Blackfyre's camp, count what you can, and report back. Think you can manage that?"
No. Absolutely fucking not. This was insane.
"Yes, Your Grace," you heard yourself say.
Valarr's expression softened slightly. "You're scared. That's good. Means you're not stupid." He moved around the table, closer now. "The men you're going with are experienced. They'll keep you alive if you listen to them. And if you see somethingâanythingâyou come straight back here and tell me. Understood?"
"Yes, Your Grace."
"Good." He held your gaze for a moment longer, and you couldn't look away. His eyes were sharp, assessing, but there was something else there too. "Dismissed. Report to Ser Alyn before dawn. He'll give you the details."
You bowed and turned to leave.
"Davos."
You stopped, glanced back.
"Don't get yourself killed," Valarr said. "I'd hate to lose a decent archer."
You nodded and left before you could say something stupid.
You'd been crouched in the same position for hours, muscles screaming, barely daring to breathe.
The other two scoutsâHarwin and a lean, quiet man named Durranâhad split off at sunset to circle Blackfyre's camp from different angles. The plan was simple: watch, count, don't get caught. You'd drawn the shortest straw, which meant you got the closest position, tucked behind a fallen log at the edge of the treeline with nothing but darkness and luck to keep you hidden.
Blackfyre's camp sprawled below you, a sea of cookfires and tents that seemed to go on forever. Too many. Far too fucking many. You'd tried to count them at first, but gave up somewhere past three hundred. The prince needed to know this. Needed to know how badly outnumbered you were.
Your shoulder ached from holding still. Your legs had gone numb an hour ago. The night air was cold enough that you could see your breath, and every slight movement made the leaves around you rustle. You'd been here since dusk. It had to be near midnight now.
Then you heard voices.
Close. Too close.
You froze, pressing yourself flatter against the ground. Two men were walking up the hill toward your position, their boots crunching through the underbrush. Blackfyre soldiers, had to be. You could see the dark shapes of them through the trees, close enough that you could hear their conversation.
"âdon't see why it matters," one of them was saying. His voice was rough, annoyed. "Just kill him and be done with it."
"Because it has to look right," the other man said. He sounded older, calmer. "The prince dies in battle, fine. The prince dies in his tent with a knife in his back? That raises questions."
Your blood went cold.
"So what, we wait for the fighting to start?"
"We wait for the signal. Martyn's got someone on the inside, close to the prince. When the time comes, it'll look like an accident. Friendly fire, it happens all the time in wars.â
"And we're sure this source is good?"
"Good enough that Daemon's paying him in gold. The Targaryen prince dies, their army falls apart, we win." The older man spat into the dirt. "Just be patient."
They were maybe twenty feet away now. Moving closer. You didn't dare move, didn't dare breathe. Your heart was slamming against your ribs so hard you were sure they'd hear it.
Assassination? Worse, an nside job. This had to be someone close to Valarr.
You had to get back. Had to warn him. Your foot shifted and a branch snapped under your boot. Suddenly, the voices drew to a stop.
"What was that?"
"Over there. By the log."
"Fuck."
You stood at once and ran. Didn't think, didn't plan, just scrambled to your feet and bolted into the trees. Behind you, shouting erupted. Boots pounding. Someone yelled for a bow.
The forest was a blur of shadows and branches tearing at your face. You ran blind, lungs burning, legs pumping. You didn't know where Harwin and Durran were. Didn't know which way was camp. Just ran.
The arrow hit you from behind. It punched into your left shoulder with a force that sent you sprawling forward into the dirt. The pain was white-hot, blinding, and for a moment you couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but lie there with your face in the leaves and feel the warm spread of blood soaking into your tunic.
Get up. Get up get up get up, you fucking idiot, you have to get up.
You dragged yourself to your feet, gasping. Your left arm hung useless, the arrow shaft jutting from your shoulder like some obscene flag. Blood was running down your back, hot and wet. You could hear them crashing through the brush behind you, closer now.
You ran again.
The world tilted and swayed. Your vision blurred. You tripped over roots, slammed into trees, kept going. The sounds of pursuit fadedâor maybe you just couldn't hear them anymore over the roaring in your ears.
You didn't know how long you ran. It felt like hours. It felt like seconds.
When you finally saw the lights of camp through the trees, you nearly sobbed with relief. You stumbled out of the forest and into the outer ring of tents, legs giving out. Someone shouted. Hands caught you before you hit the ground.
"Godsâhe's been shotâ"
"Wake Ser Alyn and the maesterââ
You tried to speak, tried to tell them about the prince, about the assassin, but your mouth wouldn't work. The world was going dark at the edges, folding in on itself.
The last thing you heard before everything went black was someone yelling for Prince Valarr.
Pain woke you. Sharp, burning, radiating from your shoulder down through your ribs like someone was twisting a hot poker into your bones. You tried to move and your body screamed at youâdon't, don't, stopâand you froze, gasping.
Something was wrong, really fucking wrong. Not just the arrow wound. Something else. Something worse.
Your eyes snapped open. Canvas overhead with dim lantern light. The smell of blood and herbs and something medicinal that made your stomach turn. You were lying on a cot, blankets pulled up to your collarbone, and your chest felt wrongâloose, unbound, the pressure gone.
No. No no no.
You tried to sit up. Hands pressed you back downâgentle but firmâand a voice spoke from somewhere above you.
"Don't."
You knew that voice.
Your head turned and there he was. Prince Valarr. Sitting on a low stool beside the cot, close enough to touch, his face drawn and pale in the lamplight. He looked like he hadn't slept. His hair was a mess, the streak of silver falling across his forehead, and his eyes, gods, his eyes were fixed on you. Sharp and watching.
"Your Grace," you managed. Your voice came out rough, cracked, barely audible.
He didn't answer right away. Just kept staring at you, and the silence stretched so long your heart started slamming against your ribs. His jaw was tight. Too tight. "Davos," he said finally. "Or should I sayâ" He stopped. Jaw working. "What's your real name?"
The world dropped out from under you. You couldn't breathe. Couldn't think. Your hand moved without permissionâreached for your chest, felt the bandages wrapped around your ribs where the binding should have been gone. It was gone. They'd cut it off.
"Iâ" You tried to sit up again, panic flooding through you hot and terrible. "Your Grace, I can explain."
"Don't." His hand shot out, pressed against your good shoulder, holding you down. "You'll tear the stitches."
You froze. His palm was warm through the thin blanket. You could feel the calluses on his fingers, the same ones that had brushed yours when he'd steadied the wine pitcher. When he'd looked at you and you'd thoughtâgods, you'd been so stupid.
"The maester had to cut away your tunic to get to the arrow," Valarr said. His voice was quiet, too quiet. "He found the binding." A pause. "And then he found everything else."
Your throat closed up. You wanted to run. Wanted to bolt upright and sprint for the tent flap and just fucking run until your legs gave out, but you couldn't move. His hand was still on your shoulder and his eyes were still on your face and you were trapped.
"So I'll ask you again." Valarr leaned forwardâclose enough that you could see the dark smudges under his eyes, the way his jaw was clenched so tight a muscle jumped in his cheek. Close enough that you couldn't look away. "What's your name?"
You opened your mouth and nothing came out.
He waited. In the corner of the tent, an old man sat on a stoolâthe maester, grey-haired and sharp-eyed, watching the two of you . He'd seen. He knew. "I sent everyone else away," Valarr continued, reading your panic. "As far as the camp knows, you're still just Davos. Wounded, but alive." His eyes flicked toward the maester. "Maester Harrion has agreed to keep silent for now."
For now.
"But I need the truth," Valarr said. His hand was still on your shoulder. You could feel the weight of it, pinning you down, holding you there. "All of it. Starting with your name."
Your shoulder throbbed. Your ribs ached. Blood had soaked through the bandages and you could feel itâwarm and sticky against your skin. Everything hurt. Everything was wrong. And Valarr was looking at you like he didn't recognize you anymore.
"It doesn't matter," you heard yourself say. Your voice sounded thin. "Your Grace, my name doesn't matterâyou need to listen to me, there's going to be an assassinationâ"
"Don't."
The word came out sharp. Hard. Valarr's hand tightened on your shoulderânot enough to hurt, but enough to make you flinch. His jaw was clenched, his eyes blazing.
"Don't you dare try to change the subject," he said, and there it wasâthe anger you'd been waiting for, finally breaking through. "You've been lying to me since the moment I met you. You stood in formation with my men. You poured wine in my tent. Youâ" He stopped and swallowed. "I touched you."
His hand jerked back like you'd burned him.
The absence of his touch felt worse than the arrow wound. "You let me believe you were someone you're not," Valarr continued, and his voice had gone quiet again. Dangerously quiet. "You lied to Ser Alyn. To the men in your tent. To me." He stood abruptly, the stool scraping against the ground, and turned away from you. "Do you have any idea what you've done? What this means?"
"I didn't have a choiceâ"
"There's always a choice!" He spun back toward you, and you flinched. "You could have stayed home. You could have let your father answer the call himself. You could haveâ" He stopped. Dragged both hands through his hair. "Gods. Gods. You'reâyou're a woman."
He said it like he still couldn't believe it. Like the word didn't fit in his mouth. You wanted to argue. Wanted to scream at him that your father would have died, that you'd saved his life, that you'd done what you had to do. But the words stuck in your throat because Valarr was looking at you like he'd trusted you. And you'd broken that.
"I could have you executed for this," he said finally. "Lying to the Crown. Deceiving the army. and impersonating a soldier." He paused. "Do you understand that?"
"Yes." Your voice was barely a whisper.
"Do you understand that I should have you executed for this?"
"Yes."
Valarr stared at you. His hand movedâunconscious, automaticâtoward the hilt of his sword. You watched it happen. Watched his fingers brush the pommel, hover there for a second.
Then drop.
"Fuck," he muttered, turning away again. He paced to the other side of the tent, put his back to you. His shoulders were rigid. You could see the way his hands clenched into fists at his sides.
The silence stretched. Seconds. Minutes. You couldn't tell. Finally, he spoke without turning around.
"Why?"
"My father," you said again. The words came easier this time, like something inside you had cracked open. "He was called to fight. He'sâhe's old, Your Grace. Wounded. He fought at the Redgrass Field. He gave everything for the Crown. And theyâ" Your voice broke and you forced it steady. "They were going to send him anyway. Even though he can barely hold a sword anymore. Even though it would have killed him."
Valarr didn't move.
"So I took his armor," you continued. "Cut my hair. Bound my chest and I came here in his place." You swallowed. "I knew it was treason. I knew what would happen if anyone found out. But he's my father, and I couldn'tâI couldn't just let him die."
More silence.
Then, quietly he said, "What's your name?"
You told him your real name. The one only your father had called you for the past month. Valarr finally turned around. He looked at you for a long moment, and you couldn't read his expression anymore. Couldn't tell if he was angry or confused or something else entirely.
"You took an arrow for me," he said.
"Iâ" You blinked. "What?"
"You heard the assassins. You could have run. Could have disappeared into the forest and no one would have known." His eyes were fixed on yours now, searching. "But you came back. You warned me."
"Of course I did." The words came out sharper than you intended. "Your Grace, they're planning to kill you. Someone close to you, someone on the insideâI heard them talking about Martyn, about waiting for a signal."
"I know."
You stopped. Stared at him.
"Youâwhat?"
"You've been unconscious for hours," Valarr said. "Kept mumbling about assassins. About someone close to me." He moved back toward the cot, sat down heavily on the stool. "I've already doubled the guard. Ser Alyn is questioning everyone who has access to my tent."
Relief crashed through you so hard you nearly sobbed. "Then youâyou believe me?"
"Why wouldn't I?" Valarr asked quietly. "You got shot trying to warn me. Why would you lie about that?"
You didn't have an answer and he studied you for another long moment. Then, slowly, he reached outâhesitatedâand rested his hand on the edge of the cot. Not touching you. But close.
"I don't know what to do with you," he admitted.
Your heart was pounding. "Your Grace."
"You saved my life," Valarr continued. "But you also lied to me. Deceived me. Committed treason." He exhaled. "I should have you executed. I should. Butâ" He stopped and looked away, his jaw ticking.
"But?" you pressed.
"But you're the best damn archer I've seen in years," Valarr said. "And you took an arrow in the back trying to save me." He dragged a hand down his face. "And Iâ" He stopped again. Shook his head.
"I can't execute you," he finished quietly. "I should. But I can't."
The tent was too small. Too hot. You could feel your pulse in your throat, your shoulder, everywhere.
"So what happens now?" you asked.
Valarr looked at you. Really looked at you, like he was seeing you for who you were, truly, the first time. "Now," he said slowly, "you tell me everything those men said. Every word. Every detail. And thenâ" He paused. "Then we figure out how to keep you alive."
In which: Bruce Waynes daughter, Y/N Wayne is a full time party girl. Club hopper, party animal, hedonist. Whatever you want to call it. To full the void her father left, she turns to nightclubs, dingy bars and basement raves.
Chapter eight. Heaven Tonight.
Fic masterlist!
cw: Reader's addictions are a HUGE part of this chapter, unhealthy coping mechanisms, violence, trafficing mentioned, attempted kidnapping, violence against reader, emotional neglect, codependancy, underage drinking, underage smoking - I DO NOT CONDONE OR SUPPORT ANY UNDERAGE DRINKING OR SMOKING, stay safe stay in school
From the moment he was born, one thing was made clear to Damian. He has to be the best. His bloodline needs him to be the best he can be, and then better. Only the best deserve the best. So he works hard to deserve his name. He pushes down the doubts and fear, they do nothing to help him. They drag him down.Â
He doesnât need anyone else.Â
So when he met you, he felt disgusted at first. Everything he learnt about you made him bristle with disdain. Youâre a dropout, an imbecile, a halfwit with nothing to show for yourself. So how dare you share his name? What did you do to deserve it? If you could be his kin, then everything he worked for meant nothing. If someone like you could be just as deserving, then why did he have to endure all he had? It had to be for something.Â
The way you were so painfully desperate for company. How you trailed after Drake of all people like a dog. Your softness. Eager to please. Desperate for approval. All things he despised about you. You were a Wayne, by some miracle, so you should act like it.Â
What irked him most was your obsession with family. You would insist that he could come to you if you needed anything.
âI know itâs kinda scary moving homes.â What did you want with him? Clearly you were trying to lower his guard. âEspecially to a place like this. My first week here I got lost three times,â of course you did, âso if you need anyone to show you around, youâre in good hands-â
âMy old home was far greater than this⊠hovel. I do not need anything from you.â he snapped. âI can manage myself.â
He remembered the way you fidgeted with your fingers. âYeah, mine too, but listen-â
âDonât compare your home to mine. You lived in a shoebox. I lived in a palace! I had dozens of servants and maids, you had nothing.â You two are not equals. You canât be. If youâre both on the same page, why didnât you have to endure what he had?Â
âYou arenât my sister.â he hissed. âWe arenât family. Just because your whore mother opened her legs and pushed you out nine months later, that doesnât make us family.â Damian looked disgusted by the very notion of sharing DNA with you. âWe are not kin.âÂ
The sting of rejection was one thing, but the disdain towards your mother was where you apparently drew the line. The image of you standing to full height with a straightened back, without breaking eye contact, never left him.Â
âI can take a lot of shit Damian. But donât ever talk about my mother like that again. If you wanna be mean, fine, but leave her out of this. Itâs rude to talk bad about people who arenât here.â
A sly smile crawled across his face. âThen why donât you walk down to the homeless shelter and get her?â
âSheâs dead Damian.â You said it like it was obvious.Â
Father had told Damian your story, or so he thought. He knew that you were his half sister, that you were in highschool, you couldnât know anything about their nightlife, but he hadnât mentioned that.Â
He stood there, unable to respond. Not out of shame or guilt, but because this was the first time youâd said something to him without coddling him. You left after that, and he assumed you were going to go to your room. Instead you went to the cellar.Â
The next few weeks were strange. You werenât trying to include him in whatever you and Drake were talking about, or offering to take him out to the city. It was as if you were strangers. If you ended up in the same room you would just act like he wasnât there.Â
But after another week, you returned to somewhat normal. He could tell you were keeping him at an arms length, but you still tried with him. Damian would rather die than ever tell you this, but he was relieved that your cold shoulder came to an end. Pennyworth and Drake werenât like the servants at home. When he was snide or cocky around them, they would ice him out. Father cared for him, but Damian still didnât feel emotionally fulfilled.Â
School wasnât any better. His classmates shouldâve treated him as their superior, because he was, but instead they would just talk amongst themselves. He knew they were laughing at him. When he tried to talk to his classmates, they would look uninterested in whatever he had to say.Â
So when he came home and heard you talking about making plans with your friends outside of school, he couldnât understand it. What did you have that he didnât?
Over time the resentment faded. He accepted that you were just an unlucky accident. There was no comparing the two of you. And yes, maybe he didnât mind it when you were the one to pick him up from school. Maybe he liked it when you asked about his day.Â
Timâs fist meets Konâs cheek with an untriumphant hit that ends up hurting him more than it does his opponent. âWhat the fuck is this?â he whisper-hisses. He doesnât want Bruce to see your face on the monitor. The video is paused, leaving your flirtatious smile- the one you used to squeeze into the line- suspended in time. Tim rips the cord from the cameras and the monitorâs feed dies. The other side of the cave is none the wiser.Â
âYou asked me to blend in!â Kon throws his hands up and rolls his eyes. âLook dude you donât get it, you arenât in the scene. When a girl like that hits on you, youâd have to be a freak to turn it down.âÂ
Tim can feel his blood boiling. âWhatâs that supposed to mean?â
âYâknow, like, hot.â Kon shrugs like it's obvious. âDonât freak out man, I was just doing my job. You needed visuals, I got them. Just skip to the end. That's where the important stuff is. And by the way, she was a total asshole to me, if that makes you feel any better.â
He wouldnât give Kon the satisfaction of hearing it, but it did in-fact help. He tries to clear his head by plugging the cameraâs cord into his laptop as opposed to the monitor. This way he can keep it from Bruce.
Unprompted, Kon continues. âShe got pissed off about something and flipped out on me. Couple hours later she starts making out with me again. Weird.â He doesnât notice the smile heâs making until Tim looks back at him.Â
âAgain?â
âWhat?â
âYou said again.â
Kon kisses his teeth. Instead of answering like a normal person, he leans over Timâs shoulder and skips head. Before Tim can protest, he shuts him up with âI told you to skip aheadâ.Â
The footage shows the night playing out. He sees the sped up version of you turning on Kon and cussing him out. For some reason, Konâs eyes- and therefore the camera- lingered on you after you stormed away from him. Tim watches you, through his friendâs eyes, melt into the crowd.Â
The night goes on. Every now and then he catches a glimpse of you. Each time you look worse. The light inside you gets dimmer. Thereâs a chunk of time where you seemed to have vanished. In the footage, Kon is now at the bar. Tim gives him a pissed off look. Kon scoffs. âRelax, Kryptonian. My metabolism works differently, trust me I was barely drunk.âÂ
Youâre there again; youâve been crying. The inky black tear stains under your eye make it obvious. Thereâs something behind your eyes. Tim can tell. Youâre calculating something. Heâs seen the same look whenever you two play a strategy game. Youâve never been good at keeping your emotions to yourself.Â
Kon clears his throat. âYeah, just skip this bit.â Before Tim can react, the screen goes black. He presses the spacebar on his laptop, thinking that the screen just fell asleep, but instead it pauses the video. Odd. The footage must've been cut out.
âI turned them off.â Kon admits. âFelt weird yâknow. Iâm a lot of things but Iâm not a freak. Not that kind.âÂ
Tim nearly respected that. But this Kon, and youâre his sister. Those two worlds arenât supposed to collide. That was the rule. Bruce told him that over and over again when he was Robin. Bruceâs logic was that if you knew about them, you would be putting yourself in danger. If someone wanted to lure Batman out, they could use you. Or if someone wanted to lure Bruce out, they could take you hostage and use your identity for ransom. Tim understood the theory, but not the ethics. Your life as a civilian and their lives as heroes were to run parallel.Â
When the screen comes back to life the footage shows the crowd dispersing. The last song just played and everyoneâs leaving. Konâs following the crowd. And you. Youâre at the curb and a car pulls up. He canât see the driver. You slip in like you own it. Tim watches Konâs attempt at flirting and feels relieved when you pay him no mind. The car drives off with you in it and Kon watches it go.
The footage continues. Kon meanders along the street until he finds the back alley. Down the alley Kon arrives where he was supposed to. The basement gig had been hosted under the record store. Behind the store, Kon finally does his job. Thereâs two vans, one black and one white. Four men, two from each van.Â
âHow many?â asks one from the black van.Â
âFour tonight. He wants three tomorrow.â responses one from the white van.
âGetting greedy.â the other man from the black van comments with a groan.Â
âWhatever. Weâre still getting paid. How many you got?â
âWe got three tonight. You two are slacking.â The first man from the black van groans.Â
âSo what? We met the quota. Head back before he gets mad. You ever seen that little bastard when heâs pissed? Starts hitting anyone near him with that stupid cane.âÂ
The men disperse into their respective vans and hit the road, both in different directions. Kon got their number plates on camera. Tim hates that Kon actually did his job.Â
âThe white one went towards the Queenâs river docks and the black one went to the East river,â he added. âI think theyâre shipping them. The people I mean. Like sending them overseas.â
âThat doesnât make any sense.â Tim sighs. âIf theyâre selling the people then theyâd want them in good condition, right? But theyâre beating these people black and blue. Theyâd bleed out or get an infection in those shipping containers.â he runs his thin fingers through his hair, to self soothe. âItâs gotta be something else.âÂ
He looks up at Kon. âIâm not gonna say anything, okay?â
Kon tilts his head, like a dog.
âAbout that video. Iâll cut out the start. Iâm not doing this for you.â He feels like heâs betraying himself when he cuts the footage, but he would feel worse if he let you down. Heâll talk to you later, he decides.Â
Bruce watches the doctored footage with a scowl. He knows they're close. He adds another dot to the map, the spot you were at. The map is a sea of red. Each spot represents bloodshed and fear. The only spots free from the red epidemic are on the east side docks. Near the iceberg lounge. One spot in the west side stands brave like the last soldier in enemy lands- on the east side. A small nightclub.Â
Before he can make a plan, thereâs a light at the top of the stairs.Â
âShe left.â Damianâs posture is rigid. Heâs afraid.Â
Royâs apartment is weird. Well, it's not technically his, but still. Itâs painfully minimalist. Feels more like a hotel room than an apartment. He says his friend has to travel a lot for work. You guess that explains it. Kinda.Â
The couch isnât very comfy but youâve gotten used to it. You hate that. Being used to it. You never meant for this to become a thing. It shouldâve just been one night. You were gonna get the trip out of your system and never see him again.Â
But it felt so good to be taken care of. To have someone ask âhowâs it feeling?â. Not out of obligation. You came back to him a month later. Just to be held again. You didnât intend on tripping that night, but you didnât want him to think you were weird. What kind of freak hits up a dealer just to hang out?
That's how you ended up here, a couple years later. Everytime you come you promise itâll be the last but you both know it's not true. You see each other every couple months. On purpose that is. But there are some nights when you run into him at a party.Â
Guilt nibbles at your chest as you lay next to him. You feel like youâre using him. Sure, it's mutually beneficial- you get to escape yourself and he gets to feel like a good person, but you know that doesnât make it right. But itâs hard to think that way when youâre with him. His chest is so warm and the sound of his heart is constant. Reassuring you that heâs here and not going anywhere.Â
You canât help but snake a hand up from your side and put it on his chest, just above his heart. The steady thumping feels so smooth under your palm. He doesnât mind. Roy adjusts himself to get more comfy. The TV plays an old sitcom, probably one youâve seen before, but you arenât paying attention.Â
âYou ready?â there's almost a purr in his voice, and you feel the way it vibrates through him under your hand.Â
âNot yet. Can we wait a little?âÂ
âCourse.â he goes back to watching the TV and you fiddle with his shirt, pinching at the fabric and running it between your fingers. Itâs cool to the touch and the material feels like that of a sports jersey.Â
The sound of the live studio audience pulls you from your trance. They coo at the family in the sitcom as the group stand together in a group hug.Â
âNevermind. Iâm ready.â
The tab dissolves on your tongue like a snowflake. It melts away until it's a miniscule multicoloured pulp on the tip of your tongue. Thereâs no flavour, but you imagine if there was it would be akin to an overly artificial cherry taste, the kind that never tastes quite like the fruit; overly chemical and sickly. You rest your head on his chest once youâve let it fully melt in your mouth. Again, the rhythmic beating of his heart tethers you to the moment.Â
His arms become anchors when they hold you in place. You donât know why he does it. Every time you do this with him, he has a hand on you. He doesnât ask, but you donât tell him not to. So it works itself out. The TV is still playing, but you flip through the channels to find something else. You donât want to look at that perfect family for another minute.Â
After half an hour it starts to kick in. Colours spring from the mundane walls, trickling through the air like fairies. The TV sounds louder than it did before and you can feel every hair on your head. Through it all, Royâs heartbeat is there. Your lighthouse.Â
âThank you.â You mumble as you play with his shirt again. He nudges your finger away, and for a moment youâre lost, but he puts his finger in front of yours, an offering. So you start fidgeting with his finger. Then you get greedy and take his hand. âI needed this.âÂ
âGetting bad again?â It's curious but not condescending.Â
âMy brother said I should go to rehab.â your voice isnât as strong as you wished it was. âYou know the one who moved? He comes in thinking he owns the place and says that behind my back.âÂ
âThats rough.âÂ
You note that he doesnât dispute it, but you wonât let that bother you right now. âI donât wanna think about it, I just wanted to come here and get away from them all.â you fiddle with the ring on his pointer finger and trace the lines on his palm. The shapes come alive and wave around like ribbons in the wind.Â
You lay in silence for a few more minutes, content to just be present with one another until he stirs and sits up. âI think I know whatâll cheer you up.â He leaves the couch and heads to the bedroom. When heâs gone you feel cold. The texture of the couch is coarse against your skin and the cushions feel too stiff.Â
He comes back in less than a minute with a small plastic baggie. Itâs the size of a dollar bill folded in half. Roy squeezes back into his spot and you take yours, head back on his chest, the heartbeat back right where you can hear it.Â
âI picked these up earlier cus you sounded miserable over text.âÂ
You feel a little guilty for hamming up your emotions on the phone, but it leaves you quickly. âWhat is it?â
Roy has a cat-like smile, teasing. âYou know what these are. You loved it last timeâ
In your haze you canât focus on the bag. Everything else keeps distracting you. The colours have been turned up to their maximum contrast and they swim through the room with such grace that it's hard to look away from them. When your eyes finally obey you and find the bag through the maze of drifting colour, you see what it is.
In the bag there are three circular tablets. The smallest one is a mustard yellow colour, about the size of an earring back. The other two are the same size, although one is toothpaste green with a star symbol etched in its surface, and the other is a purply-whiteish colour with a smiley face.Â
The Ecstasy takes another half an hour to hit. You and Roy split one of the bigger tablets between you, not wanting to go overboard. It feels like stepping off a rollercoaster, when your body is still adjusting to solid ground, and there's that window of residual joy and adrenaline before your body returns to normal. Except, the window doesnât close, instead it flies wide open.Â
You get easily bored on ecstasy. Your brain wants stimulation. It craves it like a starving mutt. âRoyyy,â you drawl, shifting and sitting up, âI wanna go out.âÂ
Roy knows what that really means. âIâm going out, you can either come with me or stay hereâ. He keeps his hand on your back as you move. âWhere to?â
Before you can answer, the door opens. For a moment Roy looks just as scared as you, until you feel his body relax. A man you donât recognise walks in. Heâs big, bigger than Roy, large broad shoulders and a wide stance. The stranger exhales through his nose, clearly annoyed at the sight of the two of you. Youâre trying to stay calm, if you get anxious itâll trigger a bad trip, and that's the last thing you want tonight.
âWhat the fuck Roy?â His voice is rough and gravely. He doesnât sound mad, which is a plus for you, but heâs clearly irritated.Â
âI didnât know youâd be back today.â Roy huffs, tightening his grip on you. He tries to subtly pull you back down, but you donât get the hint.Â
âSorry.â Your voice sounds unsure of itself. Testing the waters if it were.Â
The stranger looks surprised that youâre actually speaking to him. His stance doesnât change, he still looks defensive but something in his face softened- in a way that's weirdly familiar. The weight lifted from his eyebrows.Â
Jason didnât like leaving Gotham, because it was never permanent. Heâd always come back to it. The way he saw it, if he didnât leave then it meant he wasnât coming back either. Schrodingerâs Gothamite. Coming back meant accepting that this was home. So when he comes back to his apartment after a three day mission tracking down a peddler who tried to escape his justice, he wants to decompress. Instead, he finds his friend lounging on a couch he didnât pay for, with a girl heâs definitely seen before. The one he finds outside the apartment complex on Birch street.Â
âWe can leave.â You offer. Jason thinks his luck might finally be turning. The sooner you leave, the sooner he can get his gear and go to the cave. The sooner he can talk to Dick about the plans for tonightâs operation.Â
Roy groans and tips his head back. âYeah sure bud, youâre the one suffering here.â As soon as youâre out, heâs gonna kick that redheadâs ass.Â
âNo itâs fine,â Roy palms his eye, âLook, Jason this is Y/N, Y/N this is, well you know. See, weâre all good here now.â
Jason might just peel you off Roy and pummel him now. It takes everything in him not to throw himself at his friend.Â
âJason?â you echo with a far off look in your eyes.Â
Shit.
Heâs praying to whateverâs out there that you donât recognise him from your night time therapy walks. Although, it's not like anyoneâs ever answered his prayers before. When you donât say anything else, he counts himself lucky.Â
âYou guys gotta leave.â he says bluntly as he crosses the room to head to the bedroom. His helm rustles in his backpack, he feels the smooth dome of the helmet against his back. âI need the apartment.â he gives Roy the look and doesnât say anything else before shutting the bedroom door behind him.Â
âIs he mad?â You ask while you stand up, adjusting your clothes and accessories. Youâre trying not to let this ruin your high but the embarrassment is hard to ignore.
âHeâll get over it. Not the first time.â
You know that the two of you arenât exclusive. Youâre not a thing. Youâre just two people who canât be alone without doing something youâll definitely regret the next day. Thatâs it. You know that every time you make out with a guy at a party, or wake up from a club night in someone elseâs bed. It shouldnât hurt, but it does. You wonder if anyone else needs his heartbeat as much as you do.Â
âLet's go to that place on the East side. You know the one that plays music from the 90s?â
When Roy finishes getting ready, he knocks on the bedroom door to let Jason know heâs heading out. âSay hi to B for me. Weâre gonna go to Destinyâs. Catch you later.â
âWhoâs B?â You ask while putting your boots back on.Â
âJust his boss, heâs working the nightshift.â
You motion for Roy to move over. Taking his place, you talk through the door. âSorry again. I hope your shift is okay.âÂ
When Jason hears the door close after you, he waits twenty minutes before leaving. Small world. Youâve never mentioned knowing Roy before on your walks, but then again Royâs never mentioned you either. Before, he thought you were just a drunk, but now he knows it goes deeper than that. He shouldnât be surprised.Â
âDid she say where?â Bruce doesnât want his fear to bleed into his voice. He has to stay level headed. Damian races down the stairs, two steps at a time until he reaches the group.Â
âIf she did, don't you think I wouldâve led with that?â the youngest retorted bitterly. âShe said she was going to a friendâs.âÂ
âWhich one?â Dick questioned, only to be cut off by Tim.
âSheâs not.â He says it like heâs saying âthe sky is blueâ, or âgrass is green.â Although, living in gotham, it should be âthe sky is greyâ and âthe grass is greyâ
âHow do you know?â Dick questioned with his arms crossed. His worry is evident through his eyes.Â
âBecause she doesnât have any friends.âÂ
An uncomfortable silence floats throughout the cave, chilling everyone to the bone. Itâs an uncomfortable truth.Â
âShe left without saying goodbye. I tried to stop her but she justâŠâ Damian pauses, looking for the right words, âshe got weird.â he concludes.Â
âWeird how?â Bruce pressed. âWhat did she say?â
âIt wasnât what she said, she pushed me. Then she left.âÂ
The same silence invades the space again. Tim doesnât want to believe it. You wouldnât do that, right? Thereâs no way. Not over a party. Unless⊠. He wishes his brain didnât go there, but it does. Itâs the logical next step.Â
âWe can work this out.â Tim swears, and all eyes turn to him. âWeâll sort something out. Look, we'll get her back, keep her home, thereâs still time, we can still do the plan tonight, itâll be fine. Sheâll probably bring herself home. She always does.â he canât tell if heâs trying to convince them, or himself.Â
âI could look for her.â Kon offers, and then shuts up when Tim casts a glare on him.
All heads turn to Bruce. He clears his throat. âWeâre doing this tonight.â His decree is absolute. âThe chances of her being there, out of every place in Gotham she could possibly be, is a million to one. Suit up. Once Jason gets here weâll debrief and head out.âÂ
Tim has a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach, like he swallowed a stone of ice.Â
Jason drives his motorcycle to the cave. It purrs and roars through the evening as it turns into night. He hates how long the drive is, but at least it's scenic. As scenic as you can get in Gotham at least.Â
He pulls in and notes the tension in the room. When he comes in, the group are huddled around a map. It highlights the alleyways and backstreets surrounding the one blank spot in the red sea. Anywhere that someone could be taken without anyone knowing. Blindspots.Â
âThe footage Kon gave us shows them talking about the abduction after the set ended. It ended just before One, so it mustâve happened during the set. Iâm willing to bet theyâre banking on the people inside being too distracted to notice a friend going missing, and the security being too busy dealing with the line and the people inside.â Tim recaps to the group, and now Jason.Â
âSo we need to be there before them. We should leave now.â his voice quivers at the end.
The music inside is made better with your high. Itâs like you can feel it in your soul. Every note. Itâs been about an hour. Roy gets you a drink. You canât remember what you asked for but it tastes sweet and fruity on your tongue. He gets something bitter. You taste it when your tongues collide. Not the first time this has happened. You always regret it after. This wonât be any different.Â
On the rooftops opposite the club, the wind chills Tim to the bone. Something about this is wrong. The same image comes back to him, the one where youâre bloodied and beaten. A lifeless husk on the streets. He wonât let that happen. He canât. His binoculars focus on the alley behind the club. Itâs got a stupid name. Destinyâs. Jason stands next to him. âGod I hate this place.â he checks his pistol again. For the tenth time. Heâs antsy about something. Must take something big to rattle the big bad Red Hood.Â
Tim doesnât look up from his binoculars. Theyâve been here for half an hour and Jason hasnât stopped complaining about his one sided beef with the club. Before Jason can answer, they have visuals. The same white van pulls up behind the club. It nestles itself in the alleyway.Â
Tim doesnât like using his phone on patrol, but that same terrible feeling rises in his throat when he sees the van. His first thought is you. âIâm gonna send a text, take over for me.â
Timbo
Y/N, Iâm not mad I promise but please stay safe tonight. I know today was weird but we can talk about it. All of us. Dick didnât mean it like that.Â
You feel the vibration in your pocket while you dance. Fumbling around until you fish it out under the lights feels like being a baby deer on ice. You can see Timâs name at the top of the screen, but the lack of signal keeps you from reading the message. You grab Roy by the shoulder and hold your phone out, âIâM. GONNA. CHECK. THIS. OUTSIDE. NO SIGNAL.â
âDO. YOU. WANT. ME. TO. COME?â
âNO. ITâLL. BE FINE.â
On the roof, Jason watches a woman in a fur coat walk past the alley. The street is deserted. In the blink of an eye, two rough hands reach out and grab her. To his absolute horror, the club door opens at the same time, and a mockingly familiar face walks out. You.Â
You only left to check your phone. That was it. You didnât know that this would change your life.
You see the hands pull her away. You hear the screaming. For some reason, your body runs after her. Youâre not a hero. Youâve always avoided hard work- always shied away from a challenge, so why now? Itâs like youâve been possessed.Â
Stop. Stop running. Stop.Â
Your legs have a mind of their own, sprinting towards the woman- sheâs at the end of the alley now. The ground is uneven and you fall flat on your face. Good. stay down. No, stop, stop getting up. Why are you getting up? You beg yourself to stop but you wonât listen. Everything hurts and your run is uneven but that doesnât matter right now. Everything feels too slow. Youâre not going to make it in time.Â
When you see her more clearly, you think you know why youâre running.Â
If someone else was there, Mother wouldâve been alive. Had someone intervened and made that drunk to leave her alone, sheâd be alive. If someone, anyone, stepped in, your life wouldnât be the mess that it is. Sheâd come home with your favourite dinner, and sheâd hold you close until you stopped crying- the way she used to. Youâd come home from school and wait for her to get back from work. Sheâd be tired, but sheâd be there. Sheâd make you work hard at school and youâd probably resent her for it, but then youâd graduate and get a job. Youâd make friends at work. You would have a normal life.Â
You wouldnât be alone. You wouldnât search for a saviour at the bottom of a bottle. You would be more than⊠this.Â
So you have to do this. No one else will. This woman is someoneâs world. Everyone is someoneâs person. You were, once. You were Motherâs world. If this woman is lost, her person will become you.Â
You grab a piece of trash, a glass bottle, and hurl it as hard as you can at the man pulling her into the van. It ricochets off his shoulder and lands on the floor with an acute crash, sending broken glass everywhere. Under the streetlight, itâs almost beautiful. If you werenât petrified. He staggers back, clutching his arm. His grip is gone. The woman weasels out of his clutch and darts towards you, toward the street. She doesnât say anything to you, but when she passes you, you see her eyes. Thereâs a silent understanding.Â
Youâre too transfixed on watching her run. You donât see the man regain his composure. When the shock passes, you start to run as well. Â
Thereâs sharp noise from behind you. Like a plastic toy breaking in two. It splits the air.Â
It takes you a second to realise whatâs just happened. When you hit the floor, it clicks.Â
Youâve been shot.Â
âBatman- shit- shit- get down here now!â That's all Tim can say. His worst nightmare is playing out in front of his very eyes. He descends from the rooftop like thunder. âNot her- not her- please not herâ. He knows itâs futile. They both heard the gunshot.Â
Bruce was already moving the second he heard the bottle smash. Just like that night. In the blink of an eye, he was back in Crime alley. He was ten years old again. He shouldâve been quicker. Your face paralysed him at that moment. Why were you here? Of all places. Why was this happening to him?
Youâre face down on the ground. At first you donât feel it at all. Then it comes like burning lightning down your spine. You scream in agony. Your brain goes haywire. It keeps pulling up things you tried to bury. It shows you Mother, in the morgue, when you were asked to identify her body.
The bullet entered just below your ribs from behind. You feel yourself spilling onto the floor.Â
Footsteps come up behind you. A gun cocks.Â
Then thereâs an almighty crash. A human meteor. You hear roaring, the primal kind, and hate. Raw violent hate. It beats the gunned man to the ground with fury.Â
âB..ba..batma..an?â
Your voice fights against the shock. When the frenzy of hate stops, silence. Heavy steps make their way to you and crouch. To your surprise, youâre being cradled. By Batman. You feel like youâre going to melt into a puddle any second now, so you grip his arm to steady yourself. Itâs sturdy but uncomfortable.Â
âPlease⊠Iâm not⊠I donât want to die.â
Your voice shatters him.Â
âI didnât say goodbye⊠I always say goodbye⊠why- why didnât I say it? I wanted to.â your grip on his arm gets weaker. âI know Iâm a bad person⊠but I donât... donât want to dieâ it gets harder and harder to breathe, âI havenât done anything with my life. I thought I had time-â pain like youâve never known shoots up and down your body. You convulse in his arms. Unintelligible sobs fight their way out of your mouth. You nearly choke on them. âI donât wanna die aloneâŠâ your throat tightens up. There is nothing you can do. Your begging doesnât change anything.Â
The ground feels like it's melting. So do the walls. Nothing feels solid anymore. The arms holding you feel like mud. You feel that you could slip through them. So you do. Trying to hold onto solid ground is so, so hard, and youâre so tired. Slipping away just feels easier. And youâve always taken the easy way out.Â
Not again. This canât be happening again. He canât be losing another child. Not like this. Bruce can feel your energy slipping away more and more as each second goes by. Your eyes start to close. No. No. No. He shakes you as hard as he can. Nothing happens.Â
Red Robin and Red Hood are there first, with Nightwing and Robin tailing them. They take in the scene in front of them with horror.Â
âGET THE BATMOBILE!â Bruce shouts, clutching you closer to him.Â
âWhat happene-â
âNOW!â He cuts Dick off with an even louder yell. âGO!â
CHAPTER 8 IS DONE- wooo. This is the chapter I've been looking forward to/ dreading. A rollercoaster!
I hope you guys enjoyed this one and I can't wait to talk to u when you've finished!
as always inbox is open
There will be taglist 1 and taglist 2- taglist 2 will be a reblog bcs tumblr says i hit the tag limit last time :(
teaser âžș after being coaxed into a marriage befitting the status of your clan, youâre left hopelessly lonely when your now-husband begins opening up more about himself â about the high school sweetheart he planned on running away from the clan for, and about how now because of you his plans were left as mere mindless thoughts. the nerve of this man, you had thought, to say that it did not matter just how much you tried to fix this loveless marriage, for he had already given his heart to someone else. someone that wasnât you.
content âžș angst, loadss of angst, mutual pining, slowburn, fluff, hurt/comfort, angst with happy ending, SMUT (!) at the end so mdni!! typical zenin clan misogyny, mamaguro is called reiko here bc idk
count âžș 17k . . . (sorry guys)
authorâs note âžș the naoya glazing toji episode brought me back to my toji phase so here is the fic i made you guys wait a whole year for :3
đ§ ao3 wattpad
Today was a good day.
The ceiling towers above were adorned with chandeliers that glitter like frozen stars. The walls were lined with paintings of solemn ancestors, landscapes of mountains and seas, gardens that could never exist outside of canvas⊠too pretty to be real. Grandeur, wealth, history, legacy.
So royal. So⊠perfect. So happy. Beautiful. Everything youâd imagined when your mother told you what marriage felt like. How it would be lovely, how it would change your life, how youâd finally belong somewhere, someone waiting for you at your side.
Someone nice. Tall, dark and handsome. And strong too. Heâd call you beautiful the way your father sometimes did when he was proud. Heâd wake up with you pressed against him in the morning, pressing lazy kisses to your face, murmuring âgood morning, pretty girlâ against your skin. Heâd bring you flowers and call you as pretty as one. Heâd kiss your forehead to sleep.
With all you had expected from today, it was bound to be a good day. Right?
You had been raised in luxury, the only daughter of a prestigious clan known for its powerful cursed energy lineage. Spoiled? Yes, they called you that â servants whispering behind your back, elders shaking their heads at your demands for gardenias instead of roses, your refusal to wear anything less than the finest silk.
In a world where women were valued for their ability to produce heirs with strong techniques, your cursed energy was your one true asset. It flowed through you like a river â pure, potent, the kind that made the elders salivate when they arranged this marriage.
âYouâll be perfect for the Zenin,â your father had said, his eyes gleaming with ambition. âTheir strength, your energy â the children will be legends.â Children. The word had always made you flinch, even as a little child yourself. And now, even years later, you werenât ready for that role yet, not when you were still dreaming of love, of being seen as more than a vessel.
You sat up on the very edge of the grand bed, toes barely brushing the floor even though you were sitting up straight, back rigid with the hope that posture might make you feel taller, more present, more deserving. Your fingers drifted across the silk sheets. You traced invisible little hearts, then stars, then nothing at all, just following the weave until your nail caught on a thread and you stopped, afraid youâd ruin something perfect.Â
Four carved posts rose like sentinels, draped in gauzy ivory canopies that caught the chandelier light and turned it soft, golden, dreamlike. It looked like something from one of the picture books your governess used to read to you when you were small â princess beds for princesses who always got rescued, always got kissed, always got seen.
âHello?â You called out, blissfully ignoring the fact that you were alone in the room.
You felt ridiculously small against the big sparkling chandeliers, velvet curtains, fragrant bouquets of roses still standing in tall vases. Youâd grown up like this. You were used to it.
But you didnât like roses.
Was that why you werenât happy?
Surely not. Everything else seemed grand enough to drown out the absence of your gardenias, ones you were sure no one else knew were your favourites. Youâd never told anyone that. Not your mother, not the maids, not even the garden boy who used to sneak you extra stems when no one was looking. That boy had been kind, one of the few males who didnât leer or dismiss you. But even he had been scolded for âencouraging your whims,â as if liking a flower was a rebellion.
Then what was it?
Where is your husband?
Oh, yes. How stupid of you to even ask yourself. Of course, you know where he is. Not that you care, of course. He hadnât looked at your face during the ceremony. Not once. Youâd stood there in layers of ivory and pale gold, heart hammering so loud you were sure the officiant could hear it, and all youâd seen of him was the back of his head: dark hair falling straight and perfect, hiding his profile like a curtain drawn against the light.
Heâd spoken his vows in that low, gravel-rough voice without inflection, signed the papers with a single economical stroke, and walked away before the applause had even finished dying. The elders had nodded approval, but Toji's mother â a bitter woman with sharp eyes and a sharper tongue â had sneered from the side.
âA spoiled girl for my son? Heâll break her, or sheâll bore him.âÂ
Maybe he didnât want to. And maybe he didnât even notice it. But oh well. It was your marriage day today; it was a good day.
Youâd believed your mother when she said those words, her voice trembling with excitement as she adjusted the last hairpin in your updo that morning.
âThis is what marriage is, sweetheart. Itâs lovely. It changes everything. Youâll finally belong somewhere. Someone will be waiting for you, right at your side.â
Your mother had borne three children before you â two sons who inherited the familyâs technique, one daughter who died young. âBe grateful youâre strong,â she had told you. âIt makes you valuable.â
The Zenin clan had been eager, their leader Toji Fushiguro a man with no cursed energy but unmatched physical prowess, a âfailureâ redeemed by his marriage to you.
But those pictures were colored by memories â flashbacks to your childhood visits to the Zenin estate, when your parents negotiated alliances. You were ten, hiding behind a pine tree, watching a boy no older than you train in the yard. Toji, they called him. He was rowdy then, quiet fury in his swings, bruises from his clanâs abuse fresh on his arms. You had wanted to go up to him, to dab his wounds with a cloth like your nanny did for you, but you stayed hidden, humming a soft tune to yourself to calm your nerves. He had paused once, head tilted, as if he heard. But he never looked your way.
With all those pictures in your head, how could today not be a good day?
âSo beautiful,â your mother had kept whispering. âThis day will change everything. Youâre so lucky.âÂ
Lucky to be married. She had been âluckyâ too, once, before the years wore her down.
And you had felt lucky then. Ecstatic, even. Youâd let yourself imagine it all over again: laughter shared over tea, hands brushing in the hallway, someone finally seeing past the spoiled little heiress with too much cursed energy and too many pretty dresses.
You swung your legs gently. The hem of the wedding kimono brushed the polished floorboards in soft, repetitive sighs. The outer layers were still flawless â no wrinkles, no creases. Youâd been so careful. Youâd wanted to look⊠worthy.
A small, ridiculous laugh bubbled up and died in your throat.
Worthy of what? Â
A man whoâd barely acknowledged your existence?
The main doors stayed shut. No servants padded down the corridor with trays of night tea or warmed sake or folded yukata. No quiet voice announced that the master had retired for the evening.
You pressed both palms flat to the mattress and leaned back, staring up until the chandelier crystals blurred into soft halos of light. Your chest felt tight, like someone had wrapped a silk cord around your ribs and pulled.
Today was supposed to beâ
The thought cracked in half at the faint creak of wood. Not the grand doors. A smaller panel â the servantâs passage â slid open with barely a sound.
You sat up so fast your kanzashi clinked.
A shadow first: broad shoulders, long limbs moving. Then the rest of him. Toji Fushiguro stepped inside without flourish. No bow. No murmured greeting. He didnât even glance toward the enormous bed.
He was still in most of the ceremonial montsuki, though the formal haori had been discarded somewhere between the main hall and here. The dark kimono underneath molded to the hard lines of his shoulders and chest like it resented the formality, straining slightly at the seams. His hair was damp at the ends â rain? A quick rinse at some basin? The faint scent of cedar soap drifted with him.
He crossed straight to the low table near the veranda, back to you, and began untying the stiff obi with quick, practiced flicks of his fingers. No wasted movement. No hesitation.
You swallowed.
ââŠWelcome home,â you tried. The words felt childish the moment they left your mouth. They landed soft. Useless. Petals on stone.
He didnât turn. The obi uncoiled in a dark heap on the tatami. Only then did his voice come â low, rough, tired.
âYou should sleep.â
Not we should sleep. Â
Not even you should rest, itâs late. Â
Just you. Â
Heat crawled up your throat â disappointment mostly, and perhaps humiliation. The tired kind. The kind that had been waiting all day.
âI waited,â you said. Softer than you meant. Almost pleading.
His shoulders tensed â just a flicker â then released. He pulled the kimono open across his chest; the plain black undershirt beneath was simple, worn at the collar. Still no glance your way.
âThen stop waiting.â
It wasnât cruel. It was worse. Flat. Final.
A door sliding shut between rooms youâd never be allowed to enter.
You watched the shift of muscle under his skin as he folded the outer layer with unexpected care â long fingers smoothing fabric he clearly hated wearing. When he turned at last, it was only to walk toward the far wall, toward the second futon laid out near the veranda doors like an afterthought.
Separate beds.
Of course.
The distance between the grand bed and that narrow futon felt like an ocean. Miles of untouched white silk. An entire sea you werenât allowed to cross.
He dropped onto the futon without ceremony, loosening the last ties at his waist, then lay flat on his back. One thick arm thrown over his eyes. The posture screamed conversation ended louder than any shout.
You pressed your lips together until they stung.
The chandeliers kept glittering.
The roses kept exhaling their cloying sweetness.
The ancestors kept staring with dispassionate approval.
And youâstill wrapped in every layer of silk and hope your mother had pinned into place â felt suddenly, violently ridiculous.
You slid off the bed. The rustle of fabric was deafening in the quiet.
He didnât move.
You grabbed the nearest pillow â small, embroidered with cranes â and walked toward the servantâs door youâd seen him use. If you were going to be alone, youâd rather your tears fall where no one (especially him) could hear them.
The panel slid shut behind you with a soft click.
You found yourself in a narrow guest chamber â someoneâs unused quarters, probably. Plain tatami, a single low table, a futon already made up with crisp white sheets. No chandeliers here. Just a paper lantern giving off gentle, forgiving light.
You locked the door behind you.
Then the tears came.
They rose fast, unbidden, hot. You tried to wipe them away with the silk sleeve, but the fabric only smeared them across your cheekbones, cool and useless against the ache spreading through your chest like slow poison.
Youâd imagined love. Â
Youâd imagined laughter at breakfast. Â
Youâd imagined being seen.
Instead you were drowning in gold and silk and roses and paintings and untouched wedding gifts, while he was in the other room, on a separate futon, already asleep or pretending to be.
So happy. Â
So pretty.
You sank onto the edge of the narrow bed, pillow clutched to your stomach like a shield.
The crying started soft â a quiet shudder that barely disturbed the stillness. Then louder. Because the sorrow had roots older than today. It had been growing for years: every time your mother spoke of âthe right match,â every time your father patted your head and said âyouâll make someone very lucky,â every time you caught your reflection in a mirror and thought âIâm pretty enough, arenât I?â and no one ever answered.
You curled your fingers into the sheets. Something tangible. Something to hold.
You remembered the ceremony again: hours of standing in perfect posture, smiling until your cheeks ached, bowing until your spine protested. The endless bows, the murmured congratulations, the hollow exchange of promises that now tasted like ash. Tojiâs mother had been there too. You did not know why she disliked you.
âSheâs too soft. My son needs a woman who can endure, not a pampered flower.â
He hadnât looked at you. Â
Not once. Â
Not even when the officiant placed your hands together for the symbolic knot â youâd felt the warmth of his palm for three seconds before he pulled away like your skin burned him.
Youâd imagined that moment so many times as a girl: the first touch, electric, gentle.
Instead â nothing.
The room darkened as the last of the daylight bled away. Shadows pooled in the corners like spilled ink. The single lantern flickered, throwing soft gold across the tatami.
The grand chamber next door would still be glittering. Chandeliers mocking you with their frozen beauty. Roses wilting while no one noticed. Gifts piled high, ribbons untouched, promises forgotten.
And you â small against the enormity of everything â felt so insignificant. So unnecessary.
So happy. Â
So pretty.
You let yourself fall forward, face buried in the pillow. Tears soaked the only silk in the new room. Sobs rose without shame now, muffled but raw.
Nothing filled the space where he should have been. Â
Not the grandeur. Â
Not the gifts. Â
Not the roses you hated. Â
Not even the gardenias youâd never ask for.
So you cried until your throat ached and your eyes burned and the lantern dimmed to a faint glow.
So happy. Â
So royal. Â
So pretty. Â
So alone.
But it was your wedding night. And you were happy.
So you cried until sleep took you, still in your wedding kimono, still clutching the pillow like it was the only thing that hadnât lied to you today.
â
The next morning arrived without fanfare, the sun rising indifferently over the estate, casting long shadows through the shoji screens. Sunlight sliced in thin, pale ribbons, turning the guest room where youâd cried yourself to sleep into something almost gentle. Your wedding kimono lay in a crumpled heap on the floor like shed skin â a reminder of the night before. Youâd woken with swollen eyes, a headache behind your temples, and the dull certainty that nothing had changed. The world moved on, uncaring of your tears.
You dressed in silence â simple pale blue yukata, hair loosely pinned, no makeup to hide the redness. No one had come to help you. No maids fluttering with trays of warm water or perfumed oils. You werenât sure if that was deliberate or if they simply hadnât been told where the new mistress had disappeared to. But in the Zenin clan, women were expected to manage themselves, to be self-sufficient yet submissive. Tojiâs mother had made that clear during your first visit as a betrothed. âDonât expect coddling,â she had snapped, her eyes cold. âMy son doesnât need a weak wife.â
Breakfast was served in the smaller eastern hall, a long low table set for two. The room was modest compared to the grand chamber, with tatami mats worn from years of use, walls adorned with simple ink paintings of mountains and seas.
You arrived late on purpose.
Toji was already there, seated at the head, back straight, eating methodically. He wore a plain black kimono today â no trace of last nightâs ceremonial stiffness. The food in front of him was untouched except for the rice and miso; everything else arranged in neat, colorful rows like an offering he had no intention of accepting.
You slid onto the cushion opposite him without a word.
A young male servant brought the trays â his eyes lingering on you a second too long, a soft smile playing on his lips. He had always been kind, sneaking extra sweets from his father (also a servant there) when you visited as a child, now bringing tea with gardenia petals floating on top, knowing your preference.
âMy lady,â he murmured, bowing low as he poured your tea with extra care, his fingers brushing the cup. The other servants bowed once, twice, then withdrew to the edges of the room, eyes lowered.
You looked at the spread.
Grilled mackerel. Â
Pickled plum. Â
Natto in its sticky, pungent glory. Â
A small bowl of something green and slimy-looking you didnât recognize.
Your lip curled before you could stop it.
You pushed the plate away an inch. Then another. The porcelain scraped softly against the lacquered table.
A servant girl â barely older than sixteen â froze mid-step.
You didnât look at her. You simply folded your hands in your lap and stared at the untouched food like it had personally offended you.
Whispers started almost immediately, too quiet to catch whole sentences but sharp enough to sting.
ââŠdifficultâŠâ Â
ââŠtypical of her clanâŠâ Â
ââŠspoiled littleââ
Toji didnât pause. Â
He lifted a piece of tamagoyaki with his chopsticks, ate it in one bite, then reached for more rice. Â
His expression never changed.
You waited.
Nothing.
No glance. Â
No comment. Â
No are you not hungry? or even the cold eat whatâs given. Â
Just silence and the slow, deliberate sound of him chewing.
Heat crawled up your neck.
You pushed the plate farther â enough that it nearly touched the edge of the table â and stood.
âIâm not hungry.â
The words came out smaller than you wanted. Petulant. Childish.
Toji kept eating.
You turned and walked out.
â
Two days later, the gardens.
It was late afternoon. The air smelled of wet earth and cedar after a brief rain. Youâd wandered out alone because the house felt too large, too quiet, too full of people who looked at you like you were a porcelain doll left on the wrong shelf.
The Zenin gardens were famous for their beauty â stone paths winding between ancient pines, koi ponds so still they looked painted, beds of flowers arranged by season and color like living tapestries.
You stopped in front of a low cluster of blooms near the east wall.
They were small. Dull purple. Spindly stems. Nothing elegant. Nothing like the perfect white camellias or the pale pink peonies further down the path.
You wrinkled your nose.
One of the gardeners â a middle-aged man with dirt under his nails and a straw hat pushed back on his head â noticed your expression and hurried over, bowing low.
âIs something wrong, my lady?â
You pointed at the ugly little flowers.
âThose. Theyâre hideous. Chop them down.â
He blinked. Then paled.
âThose are⊠violet spider lilies, my lady. Very rare. They only bloom once every seven years. The previous head gardener spent decades cultivating themââ
You tilted your head.
âI donât like them.â
The man swallowed. Looked around as though hoping someone would rescue him.
âWe⊠we would need the clan leaderâs permission to remove them. Theyâre part of the official collectionââ
You smiled. It didnât reach your eyes.
âIâm his wife.â
The words tasted bitter. Sharp. Like biting into unripe fruit.
âSo just do it.â
The gardener bowed again â deeper this time â and backed away muttering apologies.
You turned to leave.
Toji passed you on the path a moment later. He was walking with one of the elders, mid-sentence, voice low. He didnât slow. Didnât look at the flower bed. Didnât look at you.
Just kept walking.
You stood there until his back disappeared around the bend.
Later that evening you overheard two maids in the corridor outside your (newly assigned, still separate) room.
ââŠhe had the whole patch dug up this afternoon.â
âQuietly. Didnât say a word about it.â
âNot for her, though. Just⊠didnât want the complaints escalating. You know how the elders get when traditionâs disturbed.â
You pressed your palm to the sliding door and closed your eyes.
He hadnât done it for you. Â
Heâd done it to avoid trouble.
Or so they sayâŠ
â
Three weeks later. Preparations for the mid-autumn gathering â a formal ball hosted by the Zenin to remind the other clans exactly who held power this season.
The dressing chamber smelled of sandalwood and fresh silk. Three attendants fussed around you, holding up kimono after kimono. Layers of deep plum, forest green, muted gold. Each one heavier than the last.
They settled on one: rich aubergine with silver cranes embroidered along the hem. The obi was wide, stiff, patterned with subtle waves. The jewelry â onyx beads, a heavy silver kanzashi shaped like a crescent moon â was elegant.
You hated it.
Not because it was ugly. Â
Because it wasnât enough.
It didnât sparkle. Â
It didnât scream wealth. Â
It didnât make you look like you.
You stood in front of the full-length mirror, lips pressed thin, eyes flicking over every seam and fold with undisguised disdain.
One of the attendants hesitated, fingers hovering over the next layer.
ââŠdoes it displease you, my lady?â
You didnât answer. Â You just looked at your reflection like it had betrayed you.
The door slid open. Toji stepped inside. The attendants froze.
He was already dressed â black montsuki with the Zenin crest stark against the fabric, hair tied back, expression closed.
He looked at you once. Then at the attendants.
âOut.â
They bowed so fast their foreheads nearly touched the tatami and vanished.
Silence.
He crossed the room in four strides. You didnât move. He stopped behind you â close enough that you felt the heat of him against your back, but not touching. Not yet. His eyes met yours in the mirror.
Then, without a word, he reached for the discarded outer layer â the one youâd pushed aside because the color was too dull â and draped it over your shoulders. Rough hands. Calloused fingers. Careful anyway.
He smoothed the fabric down your arms, adjusting the fall of the sleeves with short, precise movements. No lingering. No hesitation. Just efficiency.
Then the obi. He took it from the stand, wrapped it around your waist, pulled it tight â firm, almost punishing in its neatness â then tied the knot at the back with a single hard tug. You stopped breathing for a second.
His knuckles brushed the nape of your neck when he reached for the kanzashi youâd rejected â the heavy silver one. He slid it into your hair without asking, securing it in place.
Finally, he stepped back and looked at you again in the mirror.
âYouâll wear this.â
His voice was low. Flat. Final.
You stared at your reflection. The dress still wasnât perfect.  The jewelry still felt wrong. Â
But something about the way heâd dressed you â hands steady, breath on your neck â made your stomach flip in a way that had nothing to do with dislike. You opened your mouth. Closed it.Â
He turned towards the door.
âWaitââ
He paused. Didnât turn. You swallowed.
ââŠthank you.â
A beat. Then, quieter than the rustle of silk:
âDonât thank me for doing whatâs expected.â
He left. You stood there alone, heart hammering against the stiff obi, fingertips brushing the place on your neck where his knuckles had grazed.
The dress didnât feel any better. But your skin remembered his hands. And that, somehow, was worse.
â
You couldnât sleep.
Again.
The guest room youâd claimed as your own had become a kind of voluntary exile â separate futon, separate silence, separate everything. The grand shared chamber still waited next door like an accusation, its enormous bed untouched except for the single night youâd almost cried yourself raw in it. You hadnât gone back since.
Tonight the air felt heavier than usual. The house creaked: timbers settling, wind fingering the eaves, distant water in the garden gutters. You lay on your side, staring at the low table where a single lantern burned low, its flame trembling like it knew something you didnât.
Eventually you gave up.
You rose, slipped into a thin navy yukata, tied the obi loosely, and padded barefoot down the corridor. The tatami was cool under your feet. You didnât know where you were going until you found yourself in the small tea room at the end of the east wing â a space rarely used, intimate, almost forgotten. A low chabana vase held one white camellia; the scent was faint, clean, nothing like roses.
You slid the door open without thinking. He was already there.
Toji sat cross-legged on the tatami near the tokonoma alcove, back to the wall, one knee drawn up. A small brazier glowed between his hands, warming a ceramic sake bottle and two shallow ochoko cups. No servants. No attendants. Just him, the firelight carving shadows under his eyes and along the sharp line of his jaw.
He didnât startle when you appeared in the doorway. He simply lifted his gaze â slow, unreadable â and held it. You froze.
For a long moment neither of you spoke. Then he tilted his head toward the empty cushion across from him.
âSit.â
You obeyed before your pride could stop you. You knelt carefully, knees tucked, hands folded in your lap. The yukata pooled around you like spilled ink. The brazierâs warmth licked at your shins.
He poured sake into both cups without asking if you wanted any. The liquid glinted amber in the low light. He pushed one toward you with the back of two fingers â casual, almost careless.
You took it. Neither of you drank yet.
The silence stretched, not uncomfortable exactly, but thick. Like smoke you could taste.
You stared at the surface of the sake. Tiny ripples moved across it from the faint tremor in your fingers.
ââŠCanât sleep?â you asked finally. Voice small. Almost swallowed by the room.
He exhaled through his nose â a sound that might have been amusement or exhaustion.
âNever could.â
You lifted the cup. The sake was warm, smooth, faintly sweet with a burn that settled low in your chest.
âYou drink alone often?â
âSometimes.â He took his own cup, downed it in one motion, and poured again. âBetter than lying there staring at the ceiling.â
You nodded like that made sense. It did.
The lantern flame dipped, throwing his profile into brief gold relief â scar at the corner of his mouth, the faint tension in his jaw, the way his lashes cast long shadows when he looked down.
You didnât know why you asked the next question. Maybe because the silence was starting to hurt. Maybe because you were tired of pretending you didnât wonder.
ââŠWhat keeps you awake?â
He didnât answer right away. His thumb traced the rim of the empty cup once, twice.
Then, quietly: âRegret, mostly.â
The word landed like a stone in still water. You felt your breath catch.
He poured more sake â for both of you this time â and leaned back against the wall, stretching his long legs out to the side. The movement was lazy, almost careless, but his eyes stayed fixed on the low flame.
You waited. He spoke again, voice rougher now, like the words had been buried deep.
âThere was someone. Before all this.â
Your heart gave a slow, painful thud.
You kept your face neutral. Careful. You sipped your sake to give your hands something to do. He didnât look at you.
âHigh school. She was⊠nice. Loud laugh though. Never looked at me like I was defective.â A small, private smile touched his mouth â gone so fast you almost missed it. âCalled me Toji like it was normal. Like the name didnât come with a curse attached.â
Rei.
He didnât say her name yet, but you already knew. Everyone in the clans knew fragments of the story â the Fushiguro pariah who almost slipped the leash entirely.
âShe wanted out,â he continued. âSo did I. We had plans. Stupid ones. Run to some nowhere town, work shit jobs, disappear. No cursed energy, no clans, no elders deciding who gets to breathe next.â He gave a low laugh â hollow. âThought we could actually do it.â
The warmth in his voice was quiet, but unmistakable. It wrapped around her memory like smoke around embers. The first real softness youâd ever heard from him.
And it wasnât for you.
Your fingers tightened around the cup until your knuckles ached. You forced a small smile â practiced, pretty, the one you used at banquets when someone asked about your future and you wanted to look unbothered.
âWhat happened?â
His gaze flicked to you then.
âYou know what happened.â
You did.
The arranged marriage. Â
Your clanâs cursed energy lineage. Â
The Zenin elders dragging their disgraced son back into the fold because he was suddenly useful again.
He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, staring into the brazier like it might give him absolution.
âIt didnât matter what I felt. It was decided.â The words came out flat, final. âThey called me in one afternoon. Told me the papers were already drawn. Told me sheâd be safer without me dragging her down anyway.â He paused. âThey werenât wrong about that part.â
A knife slid between your ribs â slow, cold, precise. You kept smiling. Kept breathing. Kept the tears locked behind your teeth.
He poured another round. This time his hand was steadier.
âI told her the night before the announcement. She cried. Not loud. Just⊠quiet. Like sheâd known all along it would end like this.â His voice cracked â just once, barely audible. âShe said she didnât regret any of it. Said sheâd do it again. Even knowing.â
He drank.
You didnât.
The silence returned, heavier now.
You stared at your reflection in the sake â distorted, small.
Then, because you couldnât stand the weight of his confession sitting alone between you, you spoke.
âI had flings.â
The words sounded careless. Light. Like you were discussing the weather.
He glanced up.
You shrugged one shoulder, forcing nonchalance.
âBefore the marriage. Nothing serious. Just⊠boys from other clans. Tea houses. Late nights in gardens. They thought they were special.â You gave a small laugh â practiced, brittle. âOne of them tried to write me poetry once. It was terrible. I laughed in his face.â
Toji watched you.
You kept going, words spilling faster now, like if you talked enough the ache in your chest might dilute.
âThere was this one from the Kamo branch. Always smelled like incense. Took me to see fireflies once. He thought it was romantic. I spent the whole night thinking about how cold my feet were.â Another laugh. âAnother one â someone from this clan, actually, I donât remember who though â tried to impress me with his technique. Summoned a shikigami shaped like a tiger. It purred at me. I told him it was cute. He never called again.â
You were careful. Â
So careful.
Never once did you mention the real reason youâd slipped out of your own estate so many times as a teenager.
Never mentioned how youâd begged your drivers to take the long route past the Zenin compound.
Never mentioned standing at the outer wall, hidden behind wisteria, watching a tall, bruised boy train alone in the yard â shirtless, sweating, fists bloody, never once looking defeated.
Never mentioned how youâd memorized the rhythm of his footsteps on gravel, the way he tilted his head when he listened, the scar that curved under his left eye like a crescent moon.
Youâd gone there for him.
Always for him.
But you wrapped those memories in careless anecdotes, flings that meant nothing, boys who were forgettable.
Because if you told the truth now, it would sound pathetic. And you refused to be pathetic in front of him.
He listened without interrupting. When you finally ran out of stories, the brazier had burned lower. The sake bottle was half-empty.
He looked at you â really looked â for the first time that night. âYou talk like none of it mattered.â
You met his gaze. Steady. âIt didnât.â
He studied you for a long moment. Then he reached for the bottle again, and poured the last of the sake into your cup.
âDrink.â
You did. It burned all the way down.
He leaned back, arms crossed over his chest. âGet some sleep,â he said quietly. âTomorrowâs another long day.â
You stood. Your legs felt unsteady â not from the sake, but from everything else. At the door you paused.
ââŠToji?â
He didnât correct the intimacy of the name. âYeah?â
You looked back over your shoulder. âThanks. For the drink.â
He didnât smile. Didnât nod. Just watched you go. You slid the door shut behind you.
The corridor was cold. You walked back to your room slowly, one hand pressed to your sternum like you could keep the pieces from falling apart. Only when the door was locked and the lantern extinguished did you let yourself sink to the floor.
Only then did the tears come â silent, hot, endless. You cried for the girl whoâd stood outside his walls hoping heâd notice her. For the wife whoâd just heard him speak his loveâs name like a prayer. For the future that felt smaller every day.
You didnât sob. Â
You didnât wail.
You just leaked â quietly, thoroughly â until your yukata was damp at the collar and your breathing hurt.
So happy. Â
So pretty. Â
So alone.
And somewhere in the dark of the tea room, Toji stayed sitting long after you left, staring at the dying coals, the empty cups, the space where youâd been.
He didnât move for a very long time.
â
Half a year slipped by like water through cracked porcelain â slow, quiet, inevitable. Seasons turned. Cherry blossoms bled pink across the estate grounds in spring, then scattered like confetti no one celebrated. Summer brought thick, humid air that clung to silk and skin alike. Autumn painted the maples in fire. Winter arrived with frost on the eaves and breath that fogged the shoji screens at dawn.
Nothing dramatic happened. Â
No grand fights. Â
No sudden declarations. Â
No nights of passion that rewrote the rules.
Just time. Â
Relentless, ordinary time.
And in that time, the marriage became something else entirely: a slow, domestic haunting. You learned the rhythm of him without meaning to.
The way his footsteps sounded heavier in the morning corridor when he hadnât slept. The particular creak of the third tatami panel outside the tea room when he paused there at night, deciding whether to enter or keep walking. The faint scent of cedar smoke that followed him after heâd spent too long near the brazier thinking.
You passed each other in hallways more often than either of you acknowledged. Early mornings mostly.
Youâd be heading toward the kitchen wing for tea â hair loose, yukata tied carelessly â when heâd appear from the opposite direction, already dressed in training blacks, hair still damp from the cold-water rinse he preferred. Your shoulders would nearly brush. The air between you would thicken for half a second.
His hand would rise â instinct, maybe â hovering near your elbow as though to steady you around an invisible corner. Â
Never touching. Â
Never quite closing the distance.
Youâd feel the warmth of his palm like a ghost against your sleeve. Â
Then heâd drop it. Step aside. Continue past
You never spoke in those moments. Â
Neither did he.
The servants noticed everything. They always did.
At first the whispers were careful, hushed behind sliding doors.
ââŠstill separate rooms.â
ââŠthe bed in the main chamber hasnât been slept in together once.â
ââŠshe cries sometimes. Quiet. But we hear.â
âTheyâre like two ghosts sharing the same house.â
You overheard them once while pretending to arrange flowers in the alcove near the laundry corridor. Two young maids, voices low but clear.
ââŠpoor thing. All that cursed energy and still canât hold a manâs attention.â
ââŠmaybe if she gave him an heirââ
You crushed a camellia stem between your fingers until green sap stained your skin.
You didnât cry then.
You saved it for later, alone, face pressed into the sleeve of a yukata that still smelled faintly of the incense youâd burned the night he spoke Reiâs name like scripture.
The domestic moments accumulated like dust on unused shelves. Small. Â
Insignificant on their own. Â
Crushing when strung together.
Mornings when you found the tea already steeped exactly how you liked it â black, no sugar, one slice of yuzu peel floating on top â left on the low table in the sunroom without explanation. Â
You knew it was him.
No servant would dare presume your exact preference without being told â except perhaps, the young male one who did on your first day. But then again, it would be nice to think Toji himself did this.
Evenings when you returned from a clan meeting (forced smiles, endless bows, questions about heirs that made your stomach turn) to find the veranda screens already slid open, the night air cool against your flushed cheeks, and a single low lantern lit near the railing so you wouldnât stumble in the dark.
You never thanked him. Â
He never asked to be thanked.
Once, in late summer, you woke to thunder so loud it rattled the beams. Rain hammered the roof like fists. You sat up, heart racing, childhood fear of storms rising unbidden.
You padded to the corridor.
He was there â standing at the far end, back to you, arms crossed, staring out at the storm through an open screen. Lightning flashed; his silhouette went stark white for an instant.
You didnât speak.
You just stood there, ten paces away, watching the rain slide down his profile in silver tracks.
He didnât turn.
After a long minute he lifted one hand and pressed it flat to the wooden frame like he was holding the storm back.
You went back to your room.
The thunder quieted eventually.
You didnât sleep.
Another time â early autumn, leaves just beginning to turn â you found him in the garden at dusk.
He was crouched near the rebuilt violet spider lily bed (the one heâd had quietly removed and then quietly replanted months later, never explaining why). His sleeves were rolled to the elbow. Dirt streaked his forearms. He was replanting a single bulb that had been dislodged by wind.
You watched from the veranda steps.
He didnât look up.
You stepped closer anyway, bare feet silent on cool stone.
When you were close enough to see the tension in his shoulders, you spoke.
ââŠYou kept them.â
He paused, thumb brushing soil from the bulbâs papery skin.
âDidnât see the point in killing something just because someone didnât like the look of it.â
The words werenât gentle. Â
Werenât cruel. Â
Just fact.
You crouched beside him â careful distance, knees tucked under your yukata.
ââŠTheyâre still ugly.â
A low huff that might have been a laugh.
âUgly things survive longer.â
You looked at his hands then, scarred, calloused, steady. Â
They moved with a care youâd never seen him use on anything else.
You wanted, suddenly, violently, to reach out. Â
To trace one of those scars with your fingertip. Â
To ask if it still hurt.
Instead you stood.
ââŠGood night, Toji.â
He didnât answer.
But you knew. A small upturn of your lips ghosted your face. He had listened to your tantrum and had them dug out on a whim, before replanting them. You didnât matter much to him after all.
Winter came.
Snow dusted the pines like powdered sugar. Â The estate grew quieter, fewer visitors, fewer meetings. More silence.
You took to reading in the library at night. Thick volumes of clan history, poetry collections, medical texts on cursed energy manipulation â anything to fill the hours when sleep refused to come.
One night you fell asleep there â head on your folded arms, an open scroll of waka poems still spread beneath your cheek.
You woke to the sensation of weight settling over your shoulders. A thick wool haori, black, heavy with his scent, draped across your back. You lifted your head slowly.
Toji stood at the far end of the table, arms crossed, looking anywhere but at you. The lantern light caught the faint scar at his mouth.
You didnât speak. Neither did he. He simply turned and walked out. The haori stayed warm for hours after he left.
You pulled it tighter around yourself and went back to sleep right there on the table, cheek against ancient ink, his scent wrapped around you like an embrace heâd never give.
Days blurred. Weeks.
You realized it in fragments.
In the way your heart stuttered when his hand hovered near your sleeve in the hallway. Â
In the way you lingered at corners hoping to catch his footsteps. Â
In the way you memorized the exact weight of his haori on your shoulders.
Loving him silently was killing you.
Not dramatically. Â
Not with blood or tears or screaming matches.
Just⊠slowly.
Like a candle left burning in an empty room until there was nothing left but wick and smoke.
You caught yourself one afternoon in the mirror â pale, eyes shadowed, lips pressed thin.
You looked like someone who had been waiting too long for something that might never arrive.
You touched your reflection.
Whispered to it:
ââŠThis is going to break me.â
The reflection didnât answer.
But the words stayed in your throat for the rest of the day, heavy as stones.
That night you didnât go to the library. You went to the tea room instead â the same one where heâd first spoken Reiâs name.
It was empty. You sat in the same spot you had six months ago. Poured yourself sake from the bottle that had been left there, untouched since that night. Drank alone.
The brazier was cold. You stared at the empty space across from you where he should have been. And for the first time in half a year, you let yourself admit it out loud â to the empty room, to the dying winter light, to no one:
âI love him.â
The words tasted like ash and honey at once. You laughed once â small, broken.
Then you set the cup down.
Stood.
Walked back to your separate room.
Closed the door.
And let the silence swallow you whole.
â
The winter deepened, relentless and gray, the kind of cold that seeped into bones and stayed there. Eight months had passed since the wedding now. The estate had settled into a rhythm that felt almost normal if you didnât look too closely. But looking closely was all you did anymore.
The whispers had evolved. They were no longer careful or speculative. They had teeth.
It started in the bathhouse annex one morning. You had gone early to soak alone, hoping the steam would loosen the knot that had taken up permanent residence behind your sternum. Two attendants were preparing fresh towels just outside the sliding door â young women, new to the inner household staff, still careless with their volume.
ââŠcanât even warm his bed after all this time. What kind of wife is that?â
A giggle â sharp, mean.
âMaybe sheâs defective. All that cursed energy and no use in the bedroom.â
âOr maybe he just doesnât want her. Who would? Spoiled little thing. Thinks the world owes her affection because her clan has money and techniques.â
You sat very still in the water. The surface rippled with your held breath.
They kept going.
ââŠthe elders are furious. No heir. No intimacy. Just a pretty doll gathering dust in the guest wing.â
ââŠshe probably cries herself to sleep every night. Pathetic.â
You waited until their footsteps retreated. Then you rose, dressed in silence, and walked back to your room with wet hair dripping down your back like tears you refused to shed.
You passed Toji in the corridor that afternoon. He was coming from the training yard â sweat-damp hair clinging to his neck, sleeves rolled, knuckles still wrapped in stained cloth. You were heading the opposite way, arms full of folded linens you hadnât asked for but had carried anyway because standing still felt worse.
Your shoulders nearly brushed. His hand rose â habit now â hovering near your elbow as though to steady you.
He didnât touch you.
He never did.
But you felt the warmth anyway.
You kept walking.
He kept walking.
Neither of you looked back.
That evening, at the small council meeting held in the main hall, the disrespect finally broke cover.
The room was lit with low braziers and hanging lanterns. Elders sat in rigid rows. Branch family representatives nodded along to discussions of territory lines and upcoming joint missions with other clans. You sat to Tojiâs right â close enough that your sleeve brushed his once when you reached for tea. He did not react.
The topic shifted â inevitably â to lineage.
One of the senior uncles, a man with a face like old leather and eyes like chipped obsidian, cleared his throat.
âClan head,â he began, addressing Toji but glancing at you, âthe matter of succession grows urgent. Eight months is ample time for⊠progress. Yet we hear nothing encouraging.â
Silence fell like a stone. Tojiâs expression did not change.
The uncle continued, emboldened. âPerhaps the lady requires guidance. Or perhapsââ he smiled thinly ââshe is simply not suited to the role. Some women are ornamental. Not functional.â
A ripple of murmurs â agreement, amusement. Your head was bowed, looking at the ground, but fingers tightened around the teacup until porcelain creaked.
Tojiâs voice cut through â low, even. âCareful.â
The uncle blinked. Toji leaned forward slightly.
âI said careful.â
The room went still. The uncle swallowed.
ââŠOf course, Master.â
Toji sat back.
The meeting moved on.
But later, in the corridor outside, you caught the tail end of another conversation â two younger retainers, voices careless.
ââŠhe defended her. First time Iâve seen him speak up.â
ââŠprobably just pride. Canât have them thinking the Zenin head married a dud.â
ââŠstill. If he wanted her, weâd know by now. Bedâs been empty since day one.â
You pressed yourself against the wall until they passed. Then you walked to the garden.
Snow had begun again, soft and relentless.
You stood under the eaves and watched it fall until your yukata was damp at the hem and your fingers numb. Toji found you there an hour later.
He didnât speak at first. Just stood beside you, close enough that his warmth cut through the cold. After a long minute:
ââŠYou heard them.â
It wasnât a question.
You nodded once. He exhaled.
âTheyâre idiots.â
âTheyâre not wrong.â
He looked at you sharply.
You kept staring at the snow.
âThe bed is empty,â you said quietly. âI am ornamental. I have not⊠warmed anything.â
His jaw worked.
ââŠThatâs not on you.â
âIsnât it?â
He didnât answer.
You turned to him then â eyes dry, voice steady.
âIâm trying, Toji. Every day. I try to be what you need. What they expect. What thisââ you gestured between you âârequires. And itâs still not enough.â
He looked away. Snowflakes caught in his lashes.
ââŠI know.â
The admission was small. Terrible. You wrapped your arms around yourself.
ââŠThen why?â
He didnât answer.
He just reached out slowly, his hand hovering near your cheek.
You waited. He didnât close the distance.
Instead he dropped his hand.
Turned.
Walked back inside.
You stayed until the snow piled on your shoulders and you couldnât feel your toes.
â
Cherry blossoms were late that year; the trees were still bare when the invitations went out. The hall was filled with representatives from every major clan â Gojo, Kamo, Inumaki offshoots, even a few minor houses hoping to curry favour.
You wore deep indigo layered with silver embroidery, elegant and expensive. The kanzashi Toji had once placed in your hair still sat heavy against your scalp.
You did not flirt. You never had.
But men noticed you anyway. cuz ur so fine #trust
A sorcerer from the Kamo branch, young and smiling, approached you during the poetry recital portion.
He complimented your posture. Your grace. The way the lantern light caught the silver in your sleeves.
You answered politely in short sentences, small smiles. He laughed too easily. Leaned closer. Asked if you enjoyed the recitals or preferred quieter evenings.
You said you preferred quiet. He took it as an invitation. His hand brushed your wrist when he gestured toward the garden doors.
Across the room, Toji stood with a group of Gojo representatives â Satoru himself laughing too loud at something, white hair catching every light. Toji was not laughing.
His eyes were on you.
Fixed.
Unblinking.
The Kamo boy kept talking.
You kept nodding â mechanical now.
Toji moved. He crossed the room without hurry.
Stopped beside you.
The boy faltered mid-sentence. Toji looked at him once. The boy bowed, deep, hasty, and retreated.
Toji did not speak to you. He simply offered his arm. You took it â fingers light on his sleeve. Outside, in the cold garden air, he stopped under a bare cherry tree.
ââŠYou let him touch you.â
His voice was low. Rough.
You pulled your hand back.
ââŠHe brushed my wrist. Once.â
Tojiâs jaw ticked.
ââŠI saw.â
You looked up at him.
ââŠAnd?â
He stared at the ground.
Then at you.
âI hated it.â
The words were quiet.
Honest.
Ugly.
You felt something twist in your chest, sharp, hopeful, painful.
ââŠWhy?â
He didnât answer right away.
Snowflakes â early, unexpected â began to drift down again.
âBecause,â he said finally, âI have no right to stop it.â
The confession hung there.
You stared at him.
He stared back.
Then he turned away.
âInside. Itâs cold.â
You followed.
But the words stayed outside with the snow.
The almost-kiss happened ten days later.
It was late; one of those nights where sleep refused to come for either of you.
You found the tea room lit again. Toji was already there, sitting on the same cushion, brazier low, sake bottle half-empty. You slid the door shut behind you.
Knelt across from him.
He poured without asking.
You drank.
The silence stretched, thicker than usual.
You spoke first.
ââŠDo you ever think about her?â
He knew who.
Always did.
He stared into the coals.
âEvery day.â
You nodded.
ââŠDoes it hurt less?â
âNo.â
You looked at your hands.
ââŠIâm sorry.â
He glanced at you sharply.
âFor what?â
âFor being the reason it ended.â
He set his cup down carefully.
âYou didnât choose this either.â
ââŠI know.â
Another silence.
Then â quiet:
âI donât hate you.â
You looked up. His eyes were dark. Tired. Open.
âI never hated you.â
The words landed soft.
You felt them settle somewhere deep.
ââŠThen why do weâŠ?â
He didnât answer. Instead he reached across the brazier slowly. His fingers brushed your cheek.
You froze. He didnât pull back. His thumb traced the line of your jaw â rough pad against soft skin. You leaned into it. Just a fraction. His breath hitched.
He leaned closer. So close you could count the flecks of gold in his green eyes.
Your lips parted. His gaze dropped to your mouth. He tilted his head. Breath mingled â warm, sake-sweet.
Your eyes fluttered shut. He was there â millimeters away.
.
.
.
.
Then he stopped.
His hand dropped.
He shook his head once.
And stood.
âI canât.â
His voice cracked on the last word.
He left. The door slid shut.
You stayed kneeling until the brazier died and the room turned cold.
Outside, snow kept falling.
Inside, something in you finally cracked. Later, much later, Toji stood on the far veranda.
Snow piled on the railing. He stared at his hands â the same hands that had almost held you.
He realized â slow, terrible, inevitable â that this was no longer duty.
It hadnât been for a long time.
It was want.
Need.
Fear.
He wanted you.
And that terrified him more than any elder, any fight, any ghost of Rei ever had.
Across the estate, in your room, you sat on the edge of the futon.
You stared at the wall. And you decided â quiet, final, exhausted â that you could not keep hoping.
Hoping had hollowed you out.
You would stop.
You would breathe.
You would survive.
Even if surviving meant burying whatever this was.
Even if it meant burying the part of you that still reached for him in the dark.
The snow covered everything.
Soft.
Silent.
Final.
â
The cherry blossoms had long since fallen, their delicate pink petals ground into the earth by the passage of time and feet, leaving only the memory of their fleeting beauty in the minds of those who had seen them bloom. It was now the height of summer, the air thick and heavy with humidity that clung to skin like an unwanted embrace, making every breath feel labored, every movement a small battle against the oppressive heat.
The estate, with its sprawling gardens and ancient wooden structures, seemed to hold its breath under the relentless sun, the cicadas droning in a ceaseless chorus that filled the voids left by human silence.
Nine months had passed since the wedding day. Nine months of learning the intricate dance of avoidance, of carving out spaces in a shared home where paths rarely crossed, where glances were brief and words even briefer.
You had become adept at rising early, slipping through the corridors like a shadow to avoid the moments when he might appear, his presence a reminder of what was and what could never be. Evenings were spent in the library, poring over scrolls and books that held no real interest, their pages a shield against the loneliness that threatened to consume you.
The servantsâ whispers, once sharp and cutting, had dulled to a background hum, much like the cicadas â annoying but ignorable, a constant undercurrent to your daily life.
You told yourself you were fine, repeating the mantra in the quiet hours when doubt crept in. You told yourself the ache in your chest was merely a habit, a remnant of the girl who had once dreamed of love in fairytales and stolen glances.
You told yourself many things, building walls of self-deception brick by brick, each one a small lie to keep the truth at bay. None of them were true, of course. The truth was a living thing, burrowed deep within you, twisting and turning, refusing to be ignored. But you pushed it down, focused on the routines that kept you functioning â the pruning of flowers in the garden, the careful arrangement of tea sets in the sunroom, the polite nods to attendants who averted their eyes as if your pain was contagious.
Then she returned.
Reiko.
The name came to you later, pieced together from overheard snippets and the way the servants' voices dropped when they mentioned âthe visitor from the old days.â You didnât know her full name at first, only Rei, as Toji called her â only that a woman had arrived at the outer gate just after noon on a day when the sky hung low.
She wore simple traveling clothes â a dark gray kimono that blended with the shadows under the pines, her hair tied back in a loose knot that spoke of practicality rather than vanity, no crest on her sleeves to announce her status. No servant escort trailed her; she came alone, a small bundle slung at her side, her steps measured and confident as if the estate were an old friend welcoming her home.
The gatekeeper bowed low â too low, with a deference that suggested history, respect earned from past associations rather than current power. His voice murmured greetings, words lost to the distance but tone clear: reverence and surprise.
You were in the east garden that day, the one tucked away behind the main hall, where the camellias grew in orderly rows, their leaves glossy and dark against the summer sun. Pruning shears in hand, you had come here because your hands needed occupation, something to channel the restless energy that had built up over the days.
The shears were sharp, honed to a fine edge by the gardener who maintained them, and the stems gave way with satisfying snaps, red petals drifting to the gravel path like drops of blood from a wound that wouldnât heal.
From the raised walkway that bordered the garden, you had a clear view of the main approach â the long gravel path flanked by ancient pines whose branches arched overhead like protective arms, the inner torii gate painted a vivid vermilion that stood out against the greenery, the courtyard beyond where stone lanterns stood sentinel.
It was a view you had come to know well, one that offered a sense of control in a world where so little was yours to command.
You saw her step through the outer gate, her figure small at first but growing as she approached. The guards straightened, their postures snapping to attention as if an invisible command had been given. One of them murmured something into a radio, his voice low and urgent.
And then Toji appeared, emerging from the training yard at the edge of the courtyard, still clad in his black dogi, the fabric darkened with sweat across his broad shoulders and chest, hair damp and clinging to his neck in unruly strands.
He froze mid-stride, his body going still in a way that spoke volumes â a rare crack in the armor of indifference he wore like a second skin. For one second, just one, he looked almost young, the lines of tension that etched his face softened by surprise, vulnerability flickering across his features like a shadow passing over water.
Then he moved. He walked toward her without haste, but you knew that walk intimately now. It was the one he used when something truly mattered. They met in the gravel courtyard just beyond the inner torii gate, the stones crunching softly under their feet. She smiled. wide, unguarded, the kind of smile that belonged to summers long past, to stolen afternoons under shady trees, to whispered plans made in the heat of youth.
It was a smile that lit her face, making her eyes crinkle at the corners, her whole being radiate a warmth that seemed to draw the light to her. He didnât smile back, not exactly â his mouth didnât curve, his eyes didnât light â but his shoulders dropped half an inch, the permanent tension in his jaw eased just enough to notice, his hands â those scarred, calloused hands that you had studied in secret â flexed once at his sides before settling loose, as if remembering how to relax.
You stood very still among the camellias, the shears hanging forgotten in your grip, the world narrowing to that single scene unfolding before you. She said something â too far to hear the words, but close enough to see the shape of them on her lips, soft and familiar, the cadence of an old conversation resuming without effort.
He answered, his voice low and rough, the same timbre he had used in the tea room that night months ago when he first spoke her name, like a wound that had never fully healed. She laughed then, the sound carrying on the humid air â bright, unselfconscious, clear as a bell ringing through fog.
It sliced through the garden like light piercing through leaves, reaching you where you stood, a sound so pure and joyful it made your stomach twist with an emotion you couldnât name, something between envy and despair.
Your fingers closed around the pruning shears until the metal bit into your palm, the pain sharp and immediate. Warm blood welled between your fingers, trickling down your wrist in slow, sticky rivulets; you barely felt it, your attention locked on the pair in the courtyard.
They spoke for perhaps ten minutes, the conversation flowing with the ease of long familiarity. She gestured toward the bundle at her side â opened it carefully, reverently, to show him something small, folded, wrapped in pale silk that caught the light and shimmered like water.
He took it with both hands, holding it as if it might break, his thumbs brushing the edge once, slow, reverent, a gesture that spoke of intimacy, of shared history. Then he nodded, once, sharp and decisive, his expression shifting to something softer, more introspective.
She touched his forearm, light, brief, the way old friends do when words arenât enough to convey the depth of feeling. Her fingers lingered half a second longer than necessary, a touch that could be innocent or something more, and he didnât pull away, didnât flinch or step back.Â
Instead, he let it happen, his body language open in a way you had never seen with you, never with anyone but her, it seemed.
You watched until she bowed easy, intimate, the bow of equals rather than subordinates â and turned to leave, her steps light on the gravel as she retreated down the path. Until he watched her go, still holding whatever she had given him, his gaze fixed on her back with an intensity that made your heart clench. Until he looked down at the silk bundle in his hands, his expression unreadable but his thumb still moving in small, absent circles over the fabric, a caress that spoke volumes.
Then he looked up. Straight at you. Across the garden, across the distance, across every careful wall you had built in the last nine months to protect yourself from the pain of wanting what you could not have. His eyes found yours like he had known you were there all along, like your presence was an afterthought or perhaps the reason for the tension that suddenly returned to his shoulders.
Green, sharp, tired eyes that had seen too much, endured too much, and now held a glint of something you couldnât decipher, perhaps regret or resignation or nothing at all.
You didnât move. Neither did he. For one long heartbeat, the world narrowed to that single line of sight â him standing in the courtyard with her gift in his hands, you standing among the dying flowers with blood dripping from your palm, the air between you charged with unspoken words, unsaid truths.
The cicadas seemed louder, the humidity thicker, the weight of the moment pressing down on you like the sky itself. Then you turned away, the motion deliberate, your back to him as you walked back into the house, the sliding door closing behind you with a soft click that echoed in your ears like a finality.
And in that moment, something inside your chest caved in; not dramatically, not with a crash or a cry, but quietly, irreversibly, like a house settling on rotten beams until the floor finally gives way beneath the weight it can no longer bear. The pain was a physical thing, a hollowing out of your insides, leaving you empty and echoing.
You bandaged your palm in the privacy of your room, the cloth wrapping tight around the cut, but the wound went deeper, invisible and festering. You didnât cry then. You saved it for later, when the night would come and the darkness would hide the tears.
â
The sickness came slowly at first, creeping in like fog over a lake, subtle and insidious. A heaviness in your limbs that you blamed on the unrelenting heat of summer, the way it sapped energy from everything it touched.
A faint ache behind your eyes that you attributed to too many late nights spent reading scrolls you didnât care about, the words blurring on the page as your mind wandered to places it shouldnât.
A tightness in your throat that you dismissed as dust kicked up by the warm winds that swept through the estate, carrying pollen and memories alike. You told yourself it would pass, that it was nothing more than the season's toll on your body, a temporary malaise that would lift with the first cool breeze of autumn.
It didnât.
By evening, your skin felt too tight, stretched over bones that ached with every movement. Sweat gathered at your temples even when you sat perfectly still in the shaded sunroom, the fans stirring the air but offering no relief.
The servants brought chilled barley tea, their eyes lingering on you with concern they tried to hide; you drank it mechanically, the cool liquid sliding down your throat but tasting of nothing, as if your senses had dulled along with your spirit.
You retired early that night, telling the maids you were tired, your voice steady despite the growing weakness. They exchanged glances â quick, worried â but said nothing, bowing as they left you to the quiet of your room.
You lay on your futon in the dark, the yukata clinging to your damp skin like a second layer of misery, staring at the ceiling beams until they blurred into shadows. Sleep wouldnât come.Â
Instead, memories did, unbidden and unrelenting.
The way he had held that silk bundle; like it was precious, a relic of a life he had lost but never forgotten. The way her laugh had sounded like something he once owned completely, a joy that belonged to him alone. The way his shoulders had relaxed in her presence â something they never did around you, not even in the rare moments when his hand hovered near your sleeve in the hallways, a ghost of a touch that never landed.
You pressed the heel of your hand to your sternum, trying to ease the pressure there, but it only grew, a vise tightening with each breath.
The fever broke through in the small hours, crashing over you like a wave. You woke soaked in sweat, shivering despite the warmth of the room, your throat raw as though you had swallowed sand.
The room spun when you tried to sit up, the walls tilting at impossible angles, your vision swimming with spots. You managed to crawl to the water basin, the tatami rough under your palms, splashing your face with trembling hands.
The coolness only made you shake harder, your teeth chattering, your body wracked with chills that came from deep within. You crawled back to the futon, curling into yourself â knees to chest, arms wrapped tight around your legs â as if making yourself small could contain the illness, could keep it from consuming you.
And let the fever take you under, a delirium that blurred the line between reality and memory, where images of Toji and Reiko danced in your mind, their familiarity a knife twisting in your gut.
He found you at dawn, the first light creeping through the shoji screens in pale fingers. The door slid open quietly, the sound barely registering in your haze. Footsteps â bare on tatami, soft but unmistakable.
You heard the rustle of fabric as he knelt beside you, his presence a solid thing in the swirling confusion. A cool cloth pressed to your forehead â damp linen, smelling faintly of cedar from the storage where it had been kept. The touch was grounding, pulling you back from the edge of unconsciousness.
You cracked your eyes, the effort monumental. Toji.
His hair loose and tangled, as if from sleep or the lack of it, falling into his eyes in disheveled strands. His shirt untied at the collar, revealing the strong line of his throat, sleeves pushed to the elbow in haste. His expression was unreadable in the gray predawn light.
ââŠToji?â Your voice cracked, small, hoarse, barely yours, scratched from the rawness in your throat.
He didnât answer. Just dipped the cloth again in the basin he had brought, wrung it out, and wiped your neck, your wrists, the hollow of your throat. Slow. Careful. Methodical.
His hands â those same hands that had held Reikoâs gift with such reverence â were steady, the calluses rough against your fevered skin, but the touch gentle, almost tender in its care.
You tried to push yourself up, the room tilting alarmingly. His hand pressed to your shoulder â firm, not rough, holding you down with effortless strength.
âStay down.â
You obeyed, sinking back into the futon, your body too weak to protest. The fever made everything soft at the edges â colors bled into each other, sounds echoed distantly, time stretched thin like taffy. You watched him work â silent, efficient, the way he did everything in his life. He wrung out the cloth with economical movements, folded it once with precise creases, pressed it to your temple. Repeated the process without pause, his focus absolute.
After a long while, he spoke â voice low, rough from disuse or emotion he wouldn't name.
ââŠYouâre burning up.â
You laughed once, weak, hoarse, more breath than sound, the irony not lost on you.
ââŠFitting.â
He paused, his hand stilling on your wrist, thumb pressed to your pulse point, feeling the rapid beat beneath your skin.
Looked at you â really looked, his green eyes searching your face like he was looking for something he had lost long ago, something he feared he might never find.
The words came before you could stop them â half-delirious, unguarded, pulled from the raw place the fever had exposed, the place where all your carefully constructed walls had crumbled.
âWould you ever cheat⊠on me?â
His hand stilled completely on your wrist â thumb pressed to your pulse point, feeling it race. He stared, the lines around his eyes tightening.
Then firmly, as if almost offended, voice cutting through the haze like steel through silk:
âNo.â
The word landed absolutely. Uncompromising. No hesitation, no qualification.
You searched his face through the blur of fever, your vision wavering but your mind grasping for meaning.
ââŠWhy not?â
âBecause I said I wouldnât.â
Simple. Final. As if honor was a chain he had forged himself, unbreakable even in the face of temptation.
âBut I donât understandâŠâ You closed your eyes, the room tilting again, the fever pulling at you like tides. You whispered â barely audible, cracked and fragile:
âWe donât even love each other.â
The silence that followed was deafening, a void that swallowed sound and light. He exhaled â slow, ragged, almost pained, the sound of a man carrying too much for too long.
Opened his mouth to speakâÂ
A sharp knock at the door, cutting through the moment like a blade. An attendantâs voice, low, urgent, apologetic, muffled but clear.
âClan head. The council requests your presence. Immediately. There is word from the eastern border â a potential breach, scouts reporting movement.â
Tojiâs jaw tightened so hard you heard the muscle pop, his teeth grinding in frustration or restraint.
He looked at you, long, searching, his eyes holding yours for a moment that stretched. You looked away; toward the ceiling, toward nothing, the fever and the pain too much to bear his gaze.
He stood, the movement fluid but heavy. âIâll be back.â
You didnât answer.
The door slid shut with a soft thud. You were alone again.
The fever pulled you under once more, a mercy in its oblivion.
When you surfaced hours later, the room was dim, the lantern lit low, casting golden shadows on the tatami. Someone had changed your yukataâfresh linen, pale green, cool against your overheated skin, the sweat-soaked one folded away.
Fresh water waited in a clay cup beside the futon, condensation beading on the sides. A damp cloth folded neatly on the edge of the basin, ready for use.
Toji was gone.
But his haori lay folded at the foot of your futonâblack wool, heavy with his scent of cedar and steel. On it, a little piece of parchment, that read:
ââItâs not like we donât love each other.ââ
Chuckling a little, you pulled it over yourself without thinking, the weight comforting, the smell enveloping you like an embrace.
Curled beneath it.
And cried.
Quietly. Thoroughly. Endlessly.
You cried until your throat ached and your eyes burned and your body shook with exhaustion, the fever amplifying every emotion until it felt like your very soul was weeping. Until sleep finally took you again, a blessed darkness.
When you woke, the fever had broken, leaving you weak but clear-headed, the sickness retreating like a tide pulling back from the shore.
You rose when the household rose. Dressed carefully; simple, elegant, impeccable. Pale silks that whispered against your skin, hair pinned neatly with ornamental kanzashi that caught the light. Perfect posture, every line of your body a statement of composure.
Ate breakfast alone in the sunroom; small bites of rice and pickled vegetables, polite sips of tea, no wasted movement, no lingering over the flavors.
Attended meetings with poise, nodded at the right moments during discussions of clan affairs, answered questions about heirs with small, polite smiles that never reached your eyes, deflecting with grace.
You no longer waited up for the sound of his footsteps in the corridor at night.
No longer lingered in hallways hoping for a glimpse of him, for that hover of his hand near your sleeve.
No longer smiled when he passed â only the small, correct bow of acknowledgment, eyes lowered in deference.
Your greetings became formal, stripped of warmth.
Good morning, clan head.
Good evening.
Thank you for the tea.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
The servants noticed immediately, their whispers shifting from pity to unease. They whispered less openly now, but you caught the glances, the furrowed brows.
Looked at you with something like pity â or fear, as if your coldness was a contagion they might catch.
You didnât care. The wall was for you, not them.
Toji noticed too.
Of course he did.
At first, he thought it was the sickness lingering, the feverâs aftermath leaving you drained.
He brought tea himself one evening â black, with a yuzu peel floating on top, exactly how you liked it, the steam curling in delicate tendrils. Left it on the low table in your room without a word, his presence filling the space.
You thanked him â quiet, polite, the words flat.
Drank it slowly, the flavor familiar but distant.
Left the cup untouched afterward, rinsed and set aside.
He stood in the doorway longer than necessary, his frame blocking the light, his eyes on you.
You didnât look up from your scroll, the words on the page a blur. He left, the door sliding shut with a soft sigh.
The next day he lingered in the garden when you walked past, arms crossed over his chest, expression unreadable, the sun casting shadows across his face.
You bowed â shallow, correct, the motion precise.
Kept walking, your steps even on the gravel.
He watched you go, his hands flexing at his sides, knuckles white.
The day after that he tried again.
Found you in the library â mid-afternoon, sunlight slanting through the screens in gold bars that danced on the tatami.
He stood in the doorway, filling the frame.
Asked in a low voice about the household accounts, a safe topic, neutral, something to fill the silence.
You answered, precise, polite, brief, numbers and figures recited without inflection.
Closed the ledger with a soft thud.
Stood.
Bowed.
Left, your yukata brushing past him without contact.
He stayed in the doorway long after you were gone, his gaze fixed on the spot where you had sat.
His panic grew quietly. Ugly. A slow-building storm.
He drank more sake alone in the tea room â stared at the empty cushion across from him until the brazier died to embers, the room growing cold around him.
Sharpened his blades on the eastern porch until the whetstone sang a high, keening note and his fingers bled from the pressure, red staining the handle.
Walked the estate at 3 a.m. when sleep refused him â footsteps heavy on gravel, breath fogging in the night air, the moon a silent witness to his unrest.
Every time he passed your door he paused, his hand hovering near the panel.
Listened for any sound â breathing, rustling, anything to indicate you were awake, aware. Heard nothing but silence.
And felt something inside him fracture â slow, deep, irreparable, a crack spreading through glass until the whole thing shatters.
He told himself you were recovering, that the fever had left you tired, distant.
That it would pass, like the seasons, like the sickness.
But the distance grew, a chasm widening with every polite bow, every averted gaze.
You stopped leaving the tea room door cracked on nights when thunder rolled across the sky.
Stopped accepting the haori he draped over your shoulders when you fell asleep in the library, folding it neatly and leaving it on the table instead.
Stopped looking for him in crowds at clan gatherings, your eyes fixed on the horizon.
He felt it like a blade between ribs â twisting every time you offered that small, empty smile, every time your voice lacked the warmth it once held, even in its quiet way.
He thought you had fallen out of love, the affection he had sensed in fleeting moments slipping away like sand through fingers.
Didnât realize you were protecting what little was left of your heart, armoring yourself against further pain.
You thought he still carried Reiko in every breath, her visit a reminder of what you could never be.
Didnât realize.
Both of you miserable.
Both of you wrong.
â
The fever had returned. It had lingered longer than anyone expected, a low-grade ember that refused to die out completely even after the acute sickness passed. It left you weak, your body heavy as if gravity had doubled overnight, your skin perpetually warm to the touch.
The servants brought trays of cooling broths and herbal teas, their footsteps soft and apologetic, but you barely ate. The food tasted of ash.
Your reflection in the small hand mirror showed hollow cheeks, shadowed eyes, lips pale despite the rouge one of the maids had tried to apply. You looked like someone who had been grieving for years instead of months.
The mid-autumn ball was approaching â three days away now â and the estate buzzed with preparations. Messengers arrived daily with invitations confirmed, seamstresses carried bolts of silk through the corridors, musicians rehearsed in the far garden pavilion until the notes drifted like falling leaves. Everyone moved with purpose. Everyone except you.
You sat on the engawa that afternoon, legs dangling over the edge, a thin shawl draped around your shoulders despite the lingering summer warmth. The garden below was still green, but the maples at the far end had begun to bleed red at the tips â early warning of the seasonâs turn. You watched a single leaf detach, spiral slowly downward, land on the stone path. It felt symbolic in a way you were too tired to articulate.
Footsteps approached from behind. Heavy. Familiar.
Toji stopped a respectful distance away.
âYouâre still burning.â
His voice was low, rough from disuse or restraint. You didnât turn.
âItâs nothing,â you said. The lie came automatically now.
He stepped closer. You felt the shift in the air, the faint heat of his body cutting through the breeze. He crouched beside you, close enough that his knee almost brushed yours, far enough that no part of him touched you.
âYouâre not going to the ball.â
It wasnât a question.
You finally looked at him.
His face was unreadable, but the lines around his eyes were deeper than usual, the scar at the corner of his mouth pulled tight. He had dark circles under his eyes. When was the last time he slept?
âI am going.â
He exhaled through his nose â sharp, frustrated.
âYou can barely stand.â
âIâll stand for the evening.â
âYouâll collapse.â
âThen Iâll collapse gracefully.â
A muscle ticked in his jaw.
âYou donât have to prove anything to them.â
The âthemâ hung heavyâelders, branch families, allied clans, the entire suffocating web of jujutsu society that had arranged this marriage in the first place.
âIâm not proving anything to them,â you said quietly. âI want to go.â
He studied you for a long moment. The wind lifted a strand of your hair; it brushed across your cheek. His hand twitched as if to tuck it behind your ear, then stilled.
âWhy?â
You looked back at the garden.
âI really want to dance.â
The words were small. Almost childish. You hadnât meant them to sound that way, but they did. You hadnât danced since you were a girl, twirling in your motherâs garden under moonlight, pretending the world was kind and love was simple. You hadnât danced since before the wedding, before the silence, before the distance became a living thing between you.
Toji didnât laugh. Didnât scoff. He just watched you. After a long silence he stood.
âRest today. Tomorrow weâll see.â
You didnât argue. He left without another word.
The next day the fever was lower, but exhaustion clung like damp silk. You let the maids bathe you, dress you in a simple yukata for fittings. The seamstresses arrived in the afternoon â three women from the capital, their hands quick and sure, their voices soft with deference.
The ball arrived.
The grand hall had been transformed â lanterns hung in tiers, casting warm golden light across polished wood floors. Screens painted with autumn landscapes divided the space into intimate pockets. Low tables groaned under platters of seasonal delicacies â chestnuts glazed in honey, persimmons sliced thin as paper, grilled eel glistening with soy.
Musicians played in the corner â koto and shamisen weaving delicate threads of sound through the murmur of voices. Guests moved in slow, elegant currents: Gojo representatives in white and pale blue, Kamo in deep crimson, minor clans in careful jewel tones, everyone wearing their power like jewelry.
You entered on Tojiâs arm.
He had offered it without a word when you met in the corridor outside the hall. You had taken it â fingers light on his sleeve, barely touching. His muscle flexed once beneath the fabric, then stilled.
The room noticed.
Heads turned. Eyes followed. Whispers rose like smoke.
You kept your chin up, smile small and practiced, eyes forward.
The night passed in fragments.
Greetings exchanged with elders who smiled too widely and asked too politely about heirs.
Compliments on your kimono from women whose eyes lingered on your waist, calculating.
A dance with a Gojo heir who held you too loosely, spoke too loudly, smelled of expensive incense and entitlement.
Toji watched from the edge of the floor â arms crossed, expression unreadable, but his gaze never left you.
You felt it like a physical touch.
After the third dance you excused yourself.
Slipped toward the side corridor that led to the private retiring rooms.
The hallway was quieter, lit by wall sconces that threw long shadows. You found an empty powder room â small, elegant, a gilded mirror dominating one wall, a low stool, a basin of scented water.
You closed the door.
Locked it.
And the mask cracked.
You stared at your reflection.
The kimono was still perfect. The kanzashi gleamed. Your hair hadnât slipped a single pin.
But your eyes were glassy.
Your breathing was shallow.
The whispers had followed you all night â soft at first, then bolder as sake loosened tongues.
ââŠstill no heir after nearly a year.â
ââŠbeautiful, yes, but what use is beauty without children?â
ââŠperhaps sheâs barren?â
ââŠor perhaps he doesnât touch her.â
ââŠpoor thing. Reduced to a womb that wonât open.â
Your worth reduced to a womb.
To a vessel.
To a function you had failed to perform.
The room tilted.
You gripped the edge of the basin.
Your reflection blurred.
Black spots danced at the edges of your vision.
You swayed.
The fever surged back in a hot rush.
Your knees buckled.
You caught yourself on the stool, but the world spun faster.
You slid to the floor â kimono pooling around you like spilled ink â back against the wall, head between your knees, trying to breathe through the nausea, the dizziness, the crushing weight of being seen only as a failure.
The door rattled. Locked. Then, a forceful knock.
âMy lady?â
A servant. You couldnât answer. The knock came again â harder. Then the door burst open â wood splintering slightly at the lock.
Toji.
He filled the doorway, breathing hard, eyes wild for half a second before they locked on you.
He crossed the room in two strides. Crouched. Hands on your shoulders, careful, but urgent.
âHey.â
You lifted your head slowly. His face swam into focus. Green eyes wide with something close to fear.
âYouâre burning again.â
You laughed weakly.
ââŠAlways.â
He slid one arm behind your back, the other under your knees. Lifted you effortlessly.
You were too weak to protest. He carried you through the side corridors â away from the hall, away from the music, away from the eyes.
Servants scattered when they saw him. He didnât stop until you reached the private wing â your wing. He kicked the door to your room open.
Laid you gently on the futon. Pulled the heavy covers over you. Fetched water. Pressed a cool cloth to your forehead.
âIâm sorry,â you whispered, watching him exhausted. ââŠI ruined your night.â
He froze. Looked at you. Then â quiet, almost disbelieving:
âYou think that was my night?â
You blinked. He sat on the edge of the futon. His hand, rough and scarred, covered yours.
âI dragged you there. You were sick. You shouldnât have gone.â
You shook your head weakly.
âI wanted to go. I wanted⊠to dance.â
His thumb brushed the back of your hand slowly.
âI know.â
Silence. Then softly:
âIâm sorry.â
You stared.
He looked down at your joined hands.
âFor ruining your night. For⊠everything before that.â
You swallowed.
Tears welled.
ââŠYou didnât ruin anything.â
He met your eyes. âI did.â
A beat.
Then, you said â barely audible:
âWhat did you mean? That letter on your haori, when you were⊠away.â
He frowned.
You quoted him, voice trembling:
ââItâs not like we donât love each other.ââ
His breath caught.
He looked away.
âI thought you were talking about me,â you said quietly. âAbout how I⊠felt. Feel.â
He exhaled through his nose, a sound that could have been a laugh or a sigh or both.
âI wasnât.â
You closed your eyes for a second. The lantern light danced behind your lids, orange and unsteady.
âThen who were you talking about?â
A long pause. Long enough that you began to think he wouldnât answer.
When he did, his voice was quieter than you had ever heard it.
âMe.â
One word.
It landed like a stone in deep water. Ripples spreading outward, touching every memory you had collected of him â the hover of his hand in hallways, the tea left steaming on the sunroom table, the haori draped over your shoulders while you slept in the library.
âBut⊠but ReiâŠâ
He wasnât looking at you. He was staring at his own hands â scarred knuckles, calluses thick from years of violence turned to habit. His thumbs moved in slow circles over each other, an unconscious rhythm.
âReiko came here to show me her wedding invitation,â he said. âSheâs marrying someone from a minor branch house up north. Quiet guy. Good with plants. She smiled the whole time she talked about him. Like she used to smile at me, but⊠different. Lighter.â
You felt something loosen in your chest â small, fragile, dangerous.
âSheâs happy,â he went on. âReally happy. And Iââ He stopped. Cleared his throat. âI told her I was glad. Meant it. She hugged me goodbye. Gave me the invitation to keep, said it felt right that I should have it. Then she left.â
He finally looked at you.
His eyes were dark, tired, unguarded in a way that made your heart stutter.
âSheâs not my heart anymore,â he said. âHasnât been for a long time.â
The rain tapped harder against the roof, a sudden gust rattling the screens.
You felt the words settle inside you, one by one.
Not his heart.
Not anymore.
You tried to speak. Nothing came out at first.
Then, small:
âWhen did it stop being⊠her?â
âHard to say exactly,â he answered after a moment. âMaybe the first time I caught myself watching you prune those damn camellias instead of thinking about what could have been. Maybe the night you cried in the guest room and I stood outside the door like an idiot because I didnât know how to walk in. Maybe when I realized I kept leaving tea the way you like it even though you never asked me to. I donât know. It wasnât one moment. It was⊠all of them.â
You stared at him.
He looked almost afraid â like saying it out loud might make it disappear.
âI love you,â he said.
Quiet. Almost a whisper.
The words were plain. No poetry. No grand declaration. Just three syllables laid bare between you.
âI love you,â he repeated, softer this time, as if testing whether the world would end if he said it twice. âNot because Iâm supposed to. Not because the elders want an heir. Not because youâre beautiful or powerful or any of the things they keep saying. I love you because you stayed. Even when I made it impossible. Even when I gave you every reason to leave. You stayed. And somewhere along the way I started wanting you to stay â not out of duty, but because the house feels wrong when youâre not in it.â
Your breath caught.
Tears welled without warning â hot, sudden, spilling over before you could stop them.
He reached out hesitantly, brushed one away with the pad of his thumb. The touch was careful, like he thought you might break.
âI didnât expect this,â he admitted. âDidnât expect to feel anything at all. Thought Iâd just⊠endure. Like always. But youââ He shook his head once. âYou made enduring impossible. Because every time I looked at you I saw something I wanted. And I was terrified of wanting anything again.â
You stared at him through the blur.
âI love you too.â
The confession came out small, shaky, but real.
His eyes widened. Shock, raw and unguarded, flashed across his face.
âYouââ
âIâve loved you since before the wedding,â you said, voice trembling but steady underneath. âSince I used to stand outside the Zenin walls as a girl and watch you train until your knuckles bled. Since I memorized the way you tilted your head when you were thinking. Since I begged drivers to take the long route past this estate just so I could catch a glimpse of you. I loved you when you wouldnât look at me during the ceremony. I loved you when you left tea I never asked for. I loved you when you replanted those ugly flowers and pretended it wasnât for me. I loved you every time your hand hovered and never touched. I loved you through every silence, every separate room, every night I cried myself to sleep because I thought youâd never see me.â
Tears streamed down your cheeks now â silent, unstoppable.
âI thought I was alone in it,â you whispered. âI thought you still carried her. I thought I was just⊠obligation. A duty you tolerated. So I stopped trying. I stopped smiling. I stopped waiting. Because it hurt too much to hope.â
He stared at you â stunned, almost disbelieving.
âYou loved me,â he repeated, like he needed to hear it again to believe it.
You nodded. âStill do.â
A sound escaped him â half laugh, half sob, rough and broken. He leaned forward â slow â forehead pressing to yours.
You felt his breath against your lips â warm, unsteady. Neither of you moved for a long time.
Just breathing.
Just being close.
The rain kept falling.
The lantern flickered.
Then quietly, almost afraid â he said:
âI donât know how to do this.â
You smiled through tears.
âMe neither.â
He exhaled shakily.
âBut I want to try.â
You lifted your hand slowly, and cupped his cheek. The scar at the corner of his mouth was rough under your thumb.
âI want to try too.â
He turned his face into your palm. Closed his eyes.
And for the first time in nearly a year, the silence between you wasnât heavy.
It was soft.
Devastating.
Real.
And just like that;
He kissed you.
It was warm.
Soft.
Exactly like your mother had described to you.
Loving.
Caring.
And so, so happy.
He didnât let go for a long while. His fingers came up behind your back, as if to pull you in deeper.
You shifted slightly â enough that the loosened obi rustled against the sheets. The sound seemed loud in the stillness.
He looked down at you.
The moonlight caught the green of his eyes and turned it almost luminous, soft in a way you had never seen before. No armor. No distance. Just him â tired, unguarded, looking at you like you were the only thing in the room worth seeing.
You swallowed.
âI really did want to dance tonight,â you whispered. The admission felt small, almost silly after everything else that had been said, but it was true. âIâve never danced with you. Not once.â
His mouth curved â just the smallest lift at one corner, the scar pulling with it.
âI know.â
He studied your face for another long moment, then slowly slid off the edge of the futon and knelt on the tatami in front of you. One knee down, then the other. The movement was deliberate, almost ceremonial. He stayed there, balanced on his knees, hands resting lightly on his thighs, looking up at you with an expression so open it stole your breath.
âWill you dance with me?â he asked.
The question was quiet. Almost shy.
You felt fresh tears prick your eyes â not from pain this time, but from something softer, something that ached in a good way.
You nodded.
He rose just enough to offer both hands.
You took them.
His palms were warm, rough, steady. He helped you sit up â slow, careful of the lingering weakness in your limbs â then helped you stand. The kimono dragged across the tatami with a soft hiss; you swayed once, and his arm slid around your waist instantly, steadying you without hesitation.
âIâve got you,â he murmured.
You believed him.
He pulled you close â close enough that your forehead rested against his collarbone, close enough that you could hear the steady thud of his heart beneath the montsuki. One of his hands settled low on your back; the other lifted your free hand to his shoulder. You curled your fingers into the fabric there, feeling the heat of him through the layers.
There was no music.
Only rain.
Only breathing.
He began to sway â slow, simple, barely more than a shift of weight from one foot to the other. You followed, letting him lead, letting your body remember how to move with someone elseâs rhythm.
Then he started to hum.
Low. Rough at the edges. Barely audible at first.
The tune was small, fragile, almost forgotten.
You froze.
You knew it.
You had hummed it once â years ago, when you were barely sixteen, standing outside the Zenin compound wall hidden behind wisteria vines. He had been training alone in the yard, shirtless, sweat gleaming on his skin, fists bloody from hitting a wooden post until it splintered.
His father had left bruises across his ribs earlier that day; you had seen them bloom purple under the afternoon sun. He hadnât cried. Hadnât made a sound. Just kept hitting.
You had watched until you couldnât stand it anymore.
Then â soft, barely louder than a breath â you had started humming that same tune. A lullaby your mother used to sing when you were small and afraid of thunderstorms. Simple. Repetitive. Gentle.
He had stopped punching.
Turned.
Looked toward the wall.
You had ducked lower, heart hammering, certain he had seen you.
He hadnât.
But he had tilted his head, listening.
And for a momentâjust a momentâthe tension in his shoulders had eased.
You never told him it was you.
You never told anyone.
Now â here, in the dark of your shared room â he was humming it back to you.
The same notes.
The same rhythm.
Memory and present colliding so hard you felt it in your chest like a physical impact.
Tears slipped free again â silent, unstoppable.
He felt them soak into his montsuki.
His humming faltered for half a second.
You pressed your face harder into his chest.
âYou kept it. The song.â
âKept a lot of things I never admitted to keeping.â
You lifted your head. Looked up at him.
His eyes were wet too â shining in the moonlight, unashamed.
He leaned down.
Forehead to yours again.
Still swaying. Still humming â fainter now, almost a whisper.
The dance slowed until it was barely movement â just holding each other, breathing together, letting the tune fade into the rain.
When it ended completely he didnât let go.
Just stood there with you in his arms, rocking almost imperceptibly, like the world outside had finally stopped spinning long enough for the two of you to catch up.
After a long time you spoke â voice low, careful.
âThey said things tonight. At the ball. About heirs.â
He tensed slightly. His hand smoothed down your back; slow, soothing.
âI heard them,â he said, closing his eyes. âI hated it. Hated every second. Wanted to break jaws. But mostly I hated that you had to hear it.â
You swallowed.
âItâs what theyâve always said,â you whispered. âSince the wedding. Since before. Itâs my job.â
His arms tightened.
âNot to me.â
You opened your eyes. Looked up.
He held your gaze; steady, fierce, tender all at once.
âI donât want an heir,â he said quietly. âI donât want a legacy. I donât want a child because the elders demand one, or because the clan needs another sorcerer with your blood and my name.â
You tilted your head in surprise. He continued:
 âI want a baby.â
The word landed soft. Different.
âOur baby,â he said. âNot for status. Not for power. Just⊠ours. A kid who might have your eyes. Or your laugh. Or your beauty. A kid we choose to make because we want to. Because we love each other. Because we want to build something together that isnât about duty or bloodlines or any of the shit they keep trying to talk to us about.â
Tears welled again.
You didnât try to stop them.
âYouâd want that?â you asked, voice trembling. âWith me?â
He cupped your face with both hands â gentle, reverent.
âI want everything with you,â he said. âThe quiet mornings. The fights. The nights you canât sleep and I stay up with you. The way you hum when youâre thinking. The way you look when youâre angry. The way you look when youâre happy. I want kids if you want kids. I want no kids if you want no kids. I just want you. Whatever that looks like. Whatever you choose.â
You stared at him, stunned, aching, overflowing.
âI want that too,â you whispered. âA baby. Our baby. Not an heir. Just⊠ours.â
He exhaled; shaky, relieved.
Leaned down.
Pressed his lips to your forehead, lingering, warm.
Then, soft against your skin:
âWhenever youâre ready.â
You nodded against his chest.
âWhenever weâre ready.â
He kissed your temple. Your cheek. The corner of your eye where tears still clung.
Then, slowly and carefully, he tilted your chin up.
Your eyes met.
No more words.
Just the question in his gaze, silent, patient.
You answered by rising on your toes.
Your lips brushed his â tentative at first, trembling with everything that had been held back for nearly a year.
He made a low sound in his throat, half groan, half sigh, and kissed you back.
Slow.
Deep.
Real.
His hands slid into your hair â careful of the kanzashi â fingers threading through strands, cradling the back of your head like you were something precious. You opened for him; he took the invitation with a hunger that had been banked for too long, tongue sliding against yours in a rhythm that matched the slow sway of your earlier dance.
The kiss turned hungry.
Desperate.
Years of want poured into it, every avoided glance, every separate futon, every night you cried alone, every time his hand hovered and never touched.
You tugged at his montsuki, fingers clumsy with emotion and lingering weakness.
He helped, shrugging out of the haori first, then the outer layer, letting them fall to the tatami in a dark heap.
Your hands found skin, warm, scarred, alive. He shuddered under your touch.
You kissed down his jaw, his throat, tasting salt and cedar and him.
He groaned, low, wrecked.
His hands moved to your obi, slow, reverent, untying the knot he had tied earlier with such careful precision. Layer after layer fell away until you stood in only the thin juban, trembling in the cool air.
He looked at you, really looked â eyes dark, pupils blown.
âBeautiful,â he breathed. âSo fucking beautiful.â
You felt it â believed it tooâ for the first time. He lifted you effortlessly, and laid you back on the futon.
Covered your body with his â careful weight, warm skin, heartbeat thundering against yours.
He kissed you again, deeper this time, while his hands mapped every inch of you he had never allowed himself to touch before. Collarbone. Breasts. Ribs. Waist. Hips. Inner thighs.Â
Everywhere his fingers went, fire followed.
You arched into him, gasping, needy.
âPlease,â you whispered against his mouth.
He kissed down your throat, open-mouthed, reverent, then lower. Lips on your breast, tongue circling a nipple until it peaked, hard and sensitive.
You moaned, loud, unashamed. He smiled against your skin. Moved lower.
Kissed your stomach, soft, lingering, where one day, maybe, his child would grow.
Then lower still.
He parted your thighs with gentle hands.
Looked up at you, asking.
You nodded desperately. He lowered his head. Tongue, slow, deliberate, tracing you, tasting you, learning you.
You cried out, back arching, fingers tangling in his hair.
He groaned against you, vibration sending sparks up your spine.
He didnât rush.
Took his time, lapping, sucking, circling, until you were shaking, thighs trembling around his head, pleas falling from your lips in broken syllables.
When you came it was sudden, white-hot, shattering, your cry echoing off the rafters.
He didnât stop until you were limp, panting, tears of pleasure slipping down your temples.
Then he crawled back up your body, kissing every inch he passed, until he was braced above you again.
Forehead to yours.
âAre you sure?â he asked, voice wrecked, trembling with restraint.
You cupped his face.
âYes.â
He reached between you, guided himself slowly. He pushed in â inch by inch â watching your face the whole time.
You gasped â fullness, stretch, heat. He paused, buried deep, giving you time to adjust.
âStill with me?â he whispered.
You nodded, tears slipping free again.
âAlways.â
He started to move â slow rolls of his hips, deep, measured. Every thrust dragged against every sensitive place inside you. You wrapped your legs around himâpulling him closer, deeper. He groanedâhead dropping to your shoulderâteeth grazing skin.
âFeel so good,â he rasped. âSo perfect. Mine.â
Yours.
Yours.
Yours.
The word echoed in every thrust, every gasp, every shared breath. You felt it build again, slower this time, deeper.
He felt it too, pace quickening, hips snapping harder.
âCome with me,â he begged against your ear. âPlease, come with me.â
You shattered first, clenching around him, crying his name.
He followed, hard, deep, spilling inside you with a broken moan â body shaking, arms trembling as he held himself above you.
He collapsed, careful not to crush you, forehead pressed to yours again.
Both of you panting.
Sweat-slick.
Alive.
He kissed you, soft, lazy, lingering.
âI love you,â he whispered against your lips.
You smiled, tears still falling.
âI love you too.â
He stayed inside you, softening slowly, holding you close.
Neither of you moved for a long time.
Just breathing.
Just being.
The rain had stopped. Moonlight spilled brighter through the screens now.
ThisâŠ..is probably one of the best things that Iâve ever read in my ENTIRE LIFE, THE WRITING IS SO GOOD LIKE ATP PUBLISH A WHOLE BOOK OMG. I literally cried this was so goodđđ
summary: youâre just the new intern at the daily planetâanxious, invisible in your books, and falling for the man who, disguised, saves the world between coffee breaks. he could catch the sky if it fell. but for some reason, he keeps choosing to catch you.
word count: 22.4k (i know itâs a lot but itâs worth it)
warnings/tags: +18 mdni, angst, banter, fluff !!!, clark has a savior complex, friends/coworkers to lovers, intern!reader, slow-burn office romance, lots of feelings and introspection, miscommunication, the readerâs sort of a sensitive and insecure gal at times, clark picks the reader up, mentions of reader's hair, both of them are very awkward at times, idiots in love (proceed with caution), declarations of love, p with plot, fingering (f receiving), handjob, oral (m and f receiving), whiny clark kent !!!, cum swallowing, p in v, missionary, creampie, happy ending.
a/n: first time writing for clark kent!!! to say iâm nervous would be the understatement of the century. i finally got to watch superman last week, and let me tell you: iâve been obsessed with it <3 i walked out of the theater and pretty much ran home to start writing this fic. so yes, this oneâs completely self-indulgent. i just got carried away by the feelings and couldnât stop writing, hence the length lol. i really hope you enjoy this story. if you do, likes, reblogs and comments mean the world !!!
Sometimes, you truly wished you didnât have a brain.
It sounds ridiculous, worded like that. You know for a fact youâre not the first person to want a quiet mind, to dream of a day when youâre not held hostage by your own intrusive, spiraling thoughts. You take a look around and realize there are much bigger problems out there in the world.
Scratch thatâright here, where every few days, some inexplicable, monstrous creature appears out of the blue and starts tearing through everything that gets in its way, like Metropolis is a giant city made of Legos.
And yet, you canât help but drown in self-doubt. The worst part is how suddenly it all hits you. Thereâs no warning or mercy. One moment youâre fineâfunctioning, even laughingâand the next, something inside you flickers and dies. The illusion of confidence crumbles, and you're left looking for the broken pieces, wondering when youâll finally figure out whatâs wrong with you.Â
If only there were a way to cut it out, the rot, and replace it with something clean. Something shining. Something better.
The day youâre accepted for an internship at the Daily Planet, you stare at your reflection in the bathroom mirror and try to tell the girl in the fogged glass something that sounds like hope:
Itâs going to be okay. Youâre capable of this. Just show them your potential.
But the voice in your head isnât convinced. It places an imaginary hand on your shoulder, deceptively gentle, until its fingers dig in, cold and burning all at once. It leans in, just behind your ear, and hisses the thought youâve been trying to avoid:Â
Itâs only a matter of time before they realize they couldâve chosen someone better.
Just so much for a girl in her twenties.
You squint at the girl on Jimmyâs phone.
Sheâs beautiful. Blonde. The kind of effortlessly pretty that feels unfair. If you didnât know her from these selfies, you wouldâve thought she was some kind of model. Tall, blue-eyed, glowing with confidence. She even looks like the type of person whoâd throw a tantrum if someone accidentally stepped on a catâs tail.
Picking at your nails, your eyes flick from the screen to Jimmy. Then back again. Jimmy. Blonde girl. Jimmy. Blondeâ
âSheâs super pretty,â you say finally, handing the phone back to him over the desk divider.
He stands up with a smug little shrug, grinning as if heâs about to accept an award. âWhat can I say? Ladies just seem to love me.â
At that moment, Lois passes by right on cue, bracing herself on your desk and leaning toward Jimmy with a certain look that usually comes before total verbal destruction. âIâm still trying to figure out why,â she mutters dryly. âGuess I know what my next articleâs gonna be about.â
A giggle catches in your throat, too fast to stop, and you mask it with a fake cough.
Jimmy eyes you like youâve betrayed his loyalty. âYouâre supposed to be on my side. Proximity makes us allies.â
âIâm sorry. I just canât resist a good joke,â you mumble, lifting your hands in mock surrender, earning an exasperated sigh from him.
Lois high-fives you without missing a beat. âYou can always change seats.â
With a scoff, he declares, âTraitors. Both of you.â
As he launches into a dramatic defense of his dating history, Lois unwraps a candy bar, taking a bite before giving voice to her thoughts. âHonestly, I don't know why Clark gets away with disappearing for an hour and a half during lunch. I miss one deadline, and Iâve got Perry breathing down my neck.â
âEver heard of this revolutionary thing called⊠privacy?â Jimmy asks her, raising his eyebrows in her direction.
She rolls her eyes, gesturing with the candy bar. âIf I find out heâs out there eating real food while the rest of us are surviving on vending machine snacks, Iâm suing.â
You're about to jump in with an equally sarcastic remark when the elevator dings.
The doors quietly slide open, and there he is.
Clark Kent. Carrying a cardboard tray of four coffees, his tie slightly crooked and hair looking like the wind styled it for him on the way in. There's a coy tilt to his smile, like he knows heâs late but hopes this peace offering makes up for it.
âHey,â he says warmly. âThought we could all use a little caffeine. Fuel for the hardest part of the day.â
Lois lifts her chin. âLook who finally decided to rejoin society.â
Balancing the tray in one hand, he straightens his glasses. âI brought bribes.â He hands hers over first, the corner of his mouth quirking up. A second later, Jimmyâs follows, and he gives Clark a quick pat on the back.
Then, to your complete surprise, Clark holds one out to you. No matter how many times he does it, you still get excited by his thoughtfulness.
You blink owlishly. Your name's neatly written on one side of the cup with a permanent marker, just above your order: two creams, two sugars. He still remembers your order and has never gotten it wrong. You take it calmly, like it might vanish if you move too fast, struggling to fight the smile wanting to break free. âThanks, Clark.â
He bows his head, scratching the back of his neck, and looks up to meet your pleased gaze, studying how your expression softens. âYou know there's a legal limit to how many times you can say thank you in a day, right? Pretty sure youâve already gone over it.â
No clever, witty comeback comes to mind, so you turn back to your monitor, hoping the screen hides the heat crawling up your neck. Still, you canât help whispering a very soft, âThank you,â just before Clark turns on his heel and walks away.
He pauses for a split second, long enough to glance over his shoulder. His eyes land on yours again briefly, like heâs trying to find a hidden answer in your features, and he gives the smallest nod, almost imperceptible, continuing toward his desk, the hem of his coat swaying with each step.
Your heart flutters in your chest as you chew on your bottom lip, twisting your ankles together beneath the desk to keep from fidgeting, hoping youâre playing it cool.
âJeez,â a familiar voice mutters nearby. Jimmyâs shaking his head, arching a knowing brow. âYouâre down bad.â
âShut it.â
âI swear to God, if youâd just admit itââ
You lob a yellow highlighter at him, managing to hit him squarely on the shoulder with a satisfying thwack. He opens his mouth to protest, but you cut him off with a pointed finger. âKeep your voice down. Thereâs nothing to admit. Iâm just happy I have something to sip while I work. Thatâs all.â
Spinning lazily in his chair, he folds his arms behind his head like a painting of a man at peace. âIâve got to hand it to youâitâs adorable, watching you try to lie to me. Iâve been sitting across from you for what, a month now?â
A faint line appears between your brows, and you catch the highlighter as he tosses it back your way.
He grins. âIâve grown familiar with all your faces, young lady. And that dreamy look? The puppy eyes? That little tight-lipped smile?â He props his chin on his hand, his voice descending to a murmur. âYeah. Those arenât for public consumption. Thatâs VIP treatment.â
Fighting Jimmy is pointless. Heâs the kind of guy who never loses an argumentâmostly because he talks over you until you forget what your point even was.
He just doesnât get it. You can find someone attractive without liking them, right? Itâs just a stupid crush. A stupid work crush, to be precise, which is significantly worse than a normal one, because now the object of your hopeless affection walks past your desk on a daily basis like itâs nothing.
At some point, you stop being sure if you're trying to convince Jimmy or yourself.
Your brain whirs back to your very first day at the Daily Planet. You remember being led around by a chatty woman from HR, who kept smiling at you with what appeared to be feigned sympathy. She pointed out the break room, the vending machine, and in the end brought you to your new, empty desk right across from a redheaded guy who immediately stood and extended a hand.
âJames Olsen,â he commented. âWelcome to hell.â
Before you could respond, he waved Lois over from a few desks away. âLois, come meet the new intern.â
You told them your name, attempting to seem casual while subtly folding your arms across your chest like a human shield. You didnât mention you already knew who they were, or the fact that youâd read Loisâs columns like gospel. Some things were better kept to yourself.
Then, along came Perry White. The Perry White. It only took you one glance at the man to recognize him: the iconic gruff editor-in-chief with a permanent scowl and a cigar that looked surgically attached to his mouth. He stomped over, barely glancing your way.
âWhereâs Kent?â he grumbled, words muffled by the cigar between his lips.
Lois and Jimmy exchanged a look. Silence. Apparently, no one felt like volunteering information.
Kent, as in Clark Kent. The name alone triggered something weird in your stomach. He was the guy who somehow landed exclusive interviews with Superman like it was no big deal, most of which youâd devoured in one sitting.
In the nick of time, as if heâd heard his name from afar, Clark entered through the elevator, brushing his fringe to the side with one hand. Slung over one of his shoulders was a worn satchel bag, and in the other, he carried a cardboard tray, loaded with steaming coffee cups. He spotted Perry and made his way over, towering over pretty much everyone in the immediate vicinity.
âI know, Iâm late again. Sorry, Perry,â he apologized, already reaching into the tray. âMaybe a hot coffee will help start your day?â
Perry grunted, took a cup, and walked away without another word. Clark contemplated him as he got farther and farther away, and once he was gone, turned back to the rest of you with a quiet exhale. âReally glad I bought an extra one today.â
Only two cups of coffee remained. He handed Jimmy and Lois theirs, then scanned the tray, his brows snapping together. His gaze landed on you, standing just a little behind the group, hands clasped awkwardly in front of you. That was when it hit him.
âOh, Iâmââ he stammered, fixing his posture. âI didnât know there would be someone new. Iâm so sorry, I wouldâve brought you something too.â
âThis is the new intern,â Jimmy supplied casually, taking a trial sip of his drink. âStarted today. Doesnât bite, probably. Has a name and everything.â
You offered a nervous little smile, giving Clark your name.
Clark repeated it under his breath, as if he was trying to memorize it. His attention flicked back to the empty tray, later returning to you. âNext time, Iâll make sure to bring you one. What do you usually get?â
Shaking your head, you tried to wave it off. âNo, really, itâs okay. You donât have toââ
But Clark shook his own head right back, stubborn and visibly determined. âI insist.â
Jimmy leaned in, elbowing him. âNo, for realâhe insists.â
Lois smirked into her cup. âHe's going to agonize over this all day.â
Clarkâs ears reddened as he cast a glance at you again. âJust... let me know. So I get it right.â
Ultimately, you ended up telling him your order: two creams, two sugars. He nodded seriously, and repeated it: âTwo creams, two sugars.â
âBetter write it on your arm or something,â Jimmy interjected, sitting down on his chair. âIn case it comes up in your next Superman interview.â
The next morning, you were late. Disastrously, embarrassingly late. Not just five-minutes-past-start-time late. More like why-even-bother-showing-up late.
You burst through the front doors of the Daily Planet like a fugitive fleeing a crime scene, lungs clawing for air, sweat clinging to your lower back and pooling around your temples. The last ten blocks had been a blur of dodged pedestrians and half-choked apologies, and every eye in the office felt like it had turned your way.
Avoiding eye contact, you slid into your seat. It was only your second day, and already youâd earned a reputation: the intern who canât be punctual. What would be next? Forgetting your name? Accidentally setting the printer on fire? Calling Perry âdadâ? You were so far inside your own head you barely registered the beverage sitting on your desk.
Hope you have a good time here. The handwriting was clean and tidy, with no signature, though you knew who had written it.
Your fingers brushed the cup tentatively, and the warmth seeped into your fingers, anchoring you in a moment that felt strangely tender. It was a small gesture, but it had found you when you were at your most unravelled, and somehow, that made it hit harder than it should have.
Glancing up, you noticed Clark was already seated at his desk, typing with ease. When your eyes met, he didnât look away, just lifted a hand in a soft wave.
Before you could even process it, Jimmy bent over the partition, nodding at the cup. âWow,â he uttered, pressing a hand to his chest. âOn day two? Must be nice to be his favorite.â
âExcuse me?â
âNext thing you know, heâs bringing you lunch and rescheduling your dentist appointments.â
âItâs just coffee,â you retorted, but your hands didnât loosen around the cup, clutching it like it contained the secret to world peace.
âObserve: the flustered intern in her natural habitat, attempting to rationalize a clear romantic gestureââ
âDonât you have any photographs to take?â
His nose crinkled. âDonât worry, Iâll keep your tragic office romance off the record. For now.â
To shut him up, you took a long sip, and immediately burned your tongue. Of course. When you glanced over again, Clark was observing you with mild alarm, eyes wide, like he wasnât sure if he should intervene. But then he returned to his screen, his shoulders just a little stiffer than before, and you looked back down at the cup. The note.
You werenât saying that was when the crush started. But it sure didnât help.
Fast forward to the present day, your fingers have been levitating over the keyboard for an embarrassing amount of time, the blinking cursor taunting you like it knows. You just hope nobodyâs noticed the light leaving your eyes as you spiraled into a memory that felt much warmer than the air-conditioned newsroom.
You turn your head to the left for what you swear will be the last time today, though deep down, you know thatâs a lie. A practiced one at this point. Clark is already typing, posture relaxed but focused, forearms braced against the desk. Heâs moved his chair today, and the faint movement of the muscles beneath the back of his white shirt makes you blink hard, as if that might reset your brain.
âPerv,â Jimmy interrupts your thoughts in a sing-song voice, not even bothering to look up from his computer.
You jab the side of his ankle with your shoe.
He hisses, eyes squinting shut. âTell me Iâm wrong.â
You donât. What frightens you the most is that perhaps he has clocked you right. Straightening in your chair, you roll your shoulders back like you can shake it off. Crushes pass. This one will as well. Maybe by the time your internshipâs ended.
Taking a sharp breath, you decide you need to get back to work. You canât afford another mistake just because Clark Kent exists in the same room as you.
An email lands in your inbox. Itâs one of many, the kind you handled almost without thinking twice. The task in it was far from difficult: skim the article, fix the typos, clean up the formatting, and make sure the version that goes online looked as polished as something with your name near it should. Routine. Safe.
At first, you donât even flinch. Youâre wearing headphones, the world on mute, until Jimmy taps your shoulder and motions for you to take them off. The moment you do, the noise rushes in. You register the low hum of tension in the room, and then comes the voice of one of your coworkers, shouting across the bullpen that an unedited version of an article had been published.
Silently, heads begin turning to find the culprit. And still, you donât let yourself panic. Not until you hear the title.
Beneath the Streets, Above the Skies: The Creatures We Canât Explain.
Itâs yours.
Goddammit.
Your stomach flips as you scroll through the now-public piece on the Daily Planetâs website. Itâs all there: the all-caps notes left by the writer mid-draft, barking out instructions to a future editor.
[FIX THIS. TOO WORDY.]
[DELETE â USE STAT FROM EARLIER DRAFT?]
[MAYBE CHOOSE A STRONGER QUOTE HERE.]
Youâd sent the wrong version. Drafts mixed up, tabs blurred together, one careless attachment. And worst of all? You werenât the one to catch it. By the time someone did, it had already been up long enough to embarrass the paper.
The article is eventually pulled, of course, but it had already been read by others.
A few people come to your rescue, trying to comfort you with those well-meaning phrases that sting more than they soothe.
Itâs fine. Happens to the best of us.
Donât beat yourself up over it.
Itâs just one article.
Lois, in a moment of impossible generosity, offers to buy you an entire chocolate cake if itâll get you to smile. She says it with a lopsided grin, trying to lighten the mood, but you can see it in her face, the silent sympathy. The confirmation that⊠yes, it had been bad.
What makes it worse is that it confirms what you already suspected about yourself: youâre not good at this. The little voice in your head, the one that is usually subdued by the clack of keyboards, is now screaming. You can hear going insane it in the spaces between your thoughts and heartbeats.
You had one job. Youâve been here for over a month, and you still managed to screw it up.
Panic blooms in slow, suffocating waves, rising behind your ribs and poisoning your bloodstream. You walk to Perryâs office on numb legs that barely feel like they are attached to the rest of your body. Your name had been called moments before. Knocking once, you step inside, your back flat against the cool surface of the door.
He doesnât even look up right away. Just keeps reading something on his screen. âSomething bothering that young brain of yours?â he asks without turning. âBecause if youâre not going to be focused, I need to know. I donât do hand-holding. This couldâve been a disaster.â
Your heart pounds so loudly youâre surprised he doesnât pause to comment on it. When he finally decides to spare you a glance, it isnât anger youâre met with. He looks tired, and even irritated, that he has to explain these things to you at all.
âDonât be sloppy. I donât like sloppy. Got it?â
Fervently nodding, you say, âYes, sir.â You might grant him a smile, or perhaps something close enough to one, anyway. Then you leave, holding yourself together, and storm out of his office.
The newsroom is all windows and noise, impossible to disappear into, but taking the elevator isnât a viable option at the moment. The stairwell, by contrast, is dim and forgotten, since no one uses it unless the elevators break down. That makes it a perfect place for you to hide.
You sit on the concrete steps and fold in on yourself, allowing yourself to cry. Sweaty palms pressed to your face, tugging at your hair like it might anchor you in your body. Silent sobs wrack your chest, and tears slip down your face, pooling at the edges of your mouth, making their way towards your chin and neck. Your knees draw to your chest, and you let yourself dissolve into shuddering breaths.
You arenât just crying over the article, or the look Perry gave you, or the shame you saw in every pair of eyes that passed your desk.
Youâre crying because at some point, without you even noticing, youâd let yourself believe that maybeâmaybeâyou were starting to belong here. That maybe you werenât a complete fraud. It turns out it doesnât take much to unravel those thoughts. Just one mistake. One article. One email you shouldâve double-checked.
A couple of minutes pass, and you hear the door being opened and then shut. Youâre too far gone by then: cheeks damp, fingers gripping your knees, shoulders drawn tight toward your ears. The sound of someoneâs footsteps approaching you makes your stomach lurch, and instinctively, you swipe at your face, trying to clean yourself up with the heel of your palm as if that could erase the fact youâve been crying.
You hear it. His voice.
ââŠHey.â
Clark.
You rub your eyes, keeping your gaze fixed on a chipped bit of concrete near your foot, your throat too raw to answer.
Thereâs a pause. You donât even hear him move, yet you feel him there, not close enough to crowd you, but not far enough either. He waits. Itâs his thing, apparently.
Before you can stop yourself, you speak. âIâm fine,â you croak, too quickly. A reflex.
He doesnât reply right away. A beat slides, and he mutters, âDidnât ask.â
That earns a weak exhale from you. Not exactly laughter, but akin to it. You rest your forehead on your knees, and because you canât help it, because itâs bubbling up and thereâs nowhere else for it to go, you start talking. More like rambling, actually.
âI was tired, and I was trying to finish it fast, and I thought Iâd already attached the right file, andââ You stop, inhaling sharply. âGod, Iâm pathetic.â
Clark still says nothing. You risk a glance in his direction and find him standing just a few steps down from you, one hand loosely resting on the railing.
You interpret his demeanor as an invitation to go on. âItâs so stupid. Everyoneâs supposed to make mistakes. Thatâs what they say. But this doesnât feel like a mistake. It feels like confirmation. That I shouldnât be here. That Iâm playing pretend, and now everyone can see it.â
Itâs only a matter of time before your voice cracks, and you suck in a breath like it might steady you, but it only makes your chest hurt.
Gently, without needing to say anything, he sits down beside you, leaving just enough space so you donât feel boxed in. You feel the warmth radiating off his body even through the distance. A comforting kind of heat.
âI didnât want anyone to see me like this,â you croak. âItâs miserable.â
âItâs not.â
You shake your head, and the tears come back again for a second round, your whole frame shaking. More tears. You thought you were done.
Thatâs when you feel it. The hesitant pressure of his hand between your shoulder blades. He doesnât move it, just lets it rest there, warm as you continue to cry your heart out. Youâre pretty sure he must think youâve gone mental. Once he notices youâre not backing away from his touch, he begins rubbing your skin in small, slow circles. No pressure. No expectation.
Eventually, after long minutes of trying to even your breath, you shift toward him on instinct, and he opens his arms, enveloping you. You fold into the space he makes for you, still trembling, trying to convince yourself this isnât humiliating. His chest is solid against your cheek, and he smells like cologne and paper and something sweet you canât quite place.
You donât ask why he came. You believe you already have your answer. Lois probably saw you bolt. Maybe Jimmy sent him. Maybe he drew the short straw.
It turns out you say it out loud, because Clark speaks gently into your hair. âNo one sent me.â
You choke on your own saliva.
âI just noticed youâd been gone for a while,â he adds. âThatâs all.â
Pulling back a little, just enough to look at him in the eye, you find his expression to be unreadable in that Clark Kent way. âI didnât even realize I was gone that long,â you admit.
He smiles, barely. âI know.â
A long silence hangs in the air between you. Not uncomfortable, but thick with things unsaid.
Then he asks, almost like he already knows what youâll respond next: âWhy are you so hard on yourself?â
You laugh, though it comes out watery and bitter. âI donât know how else to be.â
He watches you for a moment. The world outside the stairwell feels a thousand miles away.
âI think,â Clark begins carefully, âyou hold yourself to this impossible standard. You think if you slip up, everyone will rub it in your face.â You stare at him, swallowing hard. âBut no oneâs waiting to punish you,â he explains. âThey already like you. I alreadyââ He stops himself mid-sentence. âYou donât have to earn that every second.â
His hand is still on your back. You donât know what youâre supposed to say to that, so you just sit there with him. With yourself, and with everything youâre carrying. The silence lingers, suspended in time, and you canât help but sniff after all that crying. Youâre certain your eyes must be far beyond puffy and red-rimmed, your face blotchy, and you donât even want to think about what your mascaraâs looking like right now.
âWas itââ You hesitate, keeping eye contact. âWas it a lot? That I hugged you?â
Clarkâs brows bump together in a scowl. âWhat do you mean?â
âI meanââ You gesture vaguely between your chests. âIt was a full, like⊠torso-on-torso kind of hug. Which feels very much like a panic-hug. And Iâve only been working here a month, and youâre⊠you.â
His smile widens, carving those charming, endearing hollows into his cheeks. âI donât mind.â
âYeah, but I do. You probably have, like, policies about emotionally unstable interns clinging to you.â
âIf thereâs a policy, I havenât read it.â
âFigures. Of course, you read everything except the employee handbook.â
Playfully surrendering, he snorts. âGuilty.â
Thereâs a beat. He looks like heâs considering something as those blue eyes of his map your face.
âWant to hear something thatâll make you regret hugging me at all?â
You scratch your nose. âSure?â
âWhat do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?â
ââŠNo.â
He grins, too pleased with himself. âA thesaurus.â
âOh my God.â
âI warned you.â
âNo, butâa thesaurus?â
âWhat do you mean? Itâs a classic!â
âI shouldâve hugged Perry instead. Or the janitor. Literally anyone else.â
âThat hurts. I opened my arms to you.â
âI did the arm-opening,â you shoot back. âYou were just conveniently located.â
Heâs chuckling, but his expression softens again when he sees you swipe under your eyes. You try to smile. You try. And it almost works, until your voice comes out small again. âI just didnât want to mess up. I wanted to be good at this.â
âYou are. Messing up doesnât make you less good. Youâd never say that to another human being.â
You look at him. The way he says it makes you understand he believes it. Youâre not used to that. Most people say things like that with ifs and buts tacked on. Clark doesnât. He just lets the truth sit there between you. Pressing your lips together, you gape at your lap, and then back at him.
ââŠOkay,â you whisper.
âOkay,â he echoes.
A pause.
âWanna hear another one?â
âClark, pleaseââ
âWhat do you call fake spaghetti?â
âI donât even want to think about that one.â
âAn impasta.â
You groan louder, forehead tipping dramatically against his shoulder. âJust fire me already.â
Clark giggles, not moving an inch. âCanât. Iâm just the delivery guy.â
âOf terrible puns?â
âOf coffee and emotional support.â
You laugh, this time for real, short and soggy and kind of breathless. In this tiny stairwell, with your head spinning and your chest still aching, this had been exactly what you needed.
By the time youâre both standing again, your eyes feel like theyâve been rubbed back and forth with sandpaper. You wipe at your face with the sleeve of your cardigan, though Clark hands you a tissue without saying anything. You take it, thanking him while intending to fix your appearance in the reflection of his glasses.
âYou always carry tissues with you?â
âA man needs to be prepared.â
He doesnât rush you, although both of you know that eventually you have to go back. âReady?â he asks gently.
You nod like a liar, returning to the office. Jimmy spots you the second the door to the stairwell opens. He stands near the copy machine, holding a mug shaped like the Daily Planetâs globe, and raises his eyebrows like heâs seeing something scandalous. Lois leans out of her cubicle and gives Clark a slow look, then swings her gaze to you.
âWell, well,â she murmurs, wrapping a loose strand of hair around her finger. âWe thought youâd fled the country.â
Jimmy snorts into his coffee. âI must confess Iâve never tried stairwell therapy. Sounds very promising.â
Clark clears his throat, cheeks just slightly pink. âShe was just upset. Thatâs all.â Inching toward you, he whispers into your ear, âYou sure youâre okay?â
You nod, and this time, itâs not entirely a lie. Your chest twists a little: not from embarrassment, but from the warm way everyone seems to be looking at you. You sit back at your desk, and Jimmy passes you a couple of snacks wordlessly, winking at you.
Lois throws a scrunchie at your head, giving you a thumbs up. âFix your face,â she says. âIf you cry again, youâll dehydrate and die. And I donât have time to explain that to Perry.â
Your throat tightens again, but for entirely different reasons.
You like Lois.
You really, really do.
Sheâs sharp-tongued and sharp-minded, the kind of journalist who could scare a senator into answering a question theyâve been dodging for a decade. She doesnât soften herself to fit the room. If anything, the room adjusts to her. You admire that. You admire her.
You trust her, too, in the weird way you trust people after you decided not to trust them at all.
Which is why it catches you off guard, the quiet pinch in your chest when you see her standing next to Clark, cackling. And him, tittering the way he does when heâs truly listening, the corners of his eyes crinkling just barely behind his glasses.
They look like puzzle pieces that have known each other forever.
In your defense, this was all supposed to be a harmless observation. Youâre standing next to the copier, waiting for it to spit out your stack of edited pages.
All of a sudden, the copier beeps, and you jerk away.
âHey.â Jimmy materializes out of nowhere behind you, nearly making you drop your stack. âYou okay?â
You force a laugh, too high-pitched. âNo, I was justâŠthinking. That Clark and Lois would make a good couple. Like, objectively. Theyâre veryâŠcompatible.â
Jimmy blinks.
Then blinks again.
Then tilts his head as if youâre announcing youâre moving to Mars. âWhatâwhy would you say that?â
You stare at him, and the weight of what youâd just admitted out loud hits you like a train.
âIâve picked up this terrible habit of saying my thoughts out loud,â you half-whisper, burying your face in the warm papers youâve just printed. âYou didnât need to know that.â
âHold on, hold on.â Jimmy steps in front of you, looking way too interested. âBack up. You think Clark and Lois are compatible?â
The copier makes an unholy crunching noise, and you yank the paper tray open, because you donât want to meet his demanding gaze. âI meant it likeâŠas a neutral statement,â you lie, badly. âA purely objective, journalistic observation. A general public-interestâŠthing.â
âLike youâre a neutral third-party scientist, observing the wild mating rituals of the office?â
âExactly.â
âYouâre so not a neutral third party. That might be the worst save Iâve ever heard.â
âGive me a break.â
âNo, seriously, this is interesting. Tell me more about this neutral thought process. Was it before or after you began looking at Clark like he personally invented gravity?â
âDrop it, Jimmy.â
Jimmy looms closer the copier, puffing out his chest, looking way too smug for someone who sometimes accidentally deletes half his own files. âListen. I love Lois. Everyone loves Lois. But Clark and Lois? No way.â
You glanced at him. âWhat do you mean âno wayâ? TheyâreâŠtheyâre them.â
âYou said it yourself. Iâve seen Clark, a grown man, blushing when someone compliments his tie. You think Lois has time for that?â
You donât answer right away. Your gaze drifts back to Clark, whoâs now scribbling into his notepad while Lois steals the last bite of his muffin, and you force yourself to avert your attention from that scene. What you believe to be the truth sits heavy in your stomach, even as you joke around.
Because hereâs the thing: this isnât Loisâs fault. Youâd fight anyone who said a bad word about herâso why does it still sting? Why does some ugly voice in your head start listing every way you fall short in comparison? This profound ache that you feel isnât about her, not really. Itâs about you: about how you always seem to be two steps behind the version of yourself youâre supposed to be.
Comparison is a cruel game, especially when the other player doesnât even know sheâs on the board.
Jimmy nudges your arm, the teasing gone a little softer. âHey. Donât overthink it.â
Youâre fiddling with an old bracelet that dangles from your wrist. âYouâre only about thirty years too late.â Gathering your pages, holding them a little too tightly, you take a step back. âI should get back to work.â You choose that to be your response, given itâs easier than saying I donât want to feel like this, or I wish I didnât care, or I think Iâm falling for him, and I donât know how to stop.
And because the alternative is staying here and letting Jimmy be right.
Again.
They arrange the plan casually, almost in passing. Someone mentions something about finally clocking out, someone else brings up the bar a few blocks away from the building, and then Lois chimes in with, âWeâre all going, no excuses,â unwilling to take no for an answer.
And somehow, that settles it.
The sun dips low as the office empties, everyone spilling into the street with sleeves rolled and voices louder than theyâve been all day. You walk a step behind Jimmy, whoâs listing the barâs drink specials like heâs memorized them for a play he forgot to audition for.
The night has that kind of electricity. The possibility of being something good. Memorable.
The barâs noisy in the comforting way only post-work places could be: the hum of old songs, clinking glasses, the rise and fall of casual arguments about baseball, or film, or whether Perry White had once owned a parrot (Jimmy swears yes, Lois says no, and Clark just answers âIâm afraid I have no parrot knowledgeâ).
You don't mean to drink your first cocktail that fast. You just... forget to pace yourself, but it helps, giving you permission to just exist. Laugh at Jimmyâs impressions. Pretend youâre not glancing at Clark more than you should.
The group is gathered near a back booth when Clark slips away. You only notice because itâs like a light flicks off inside you. When you spot him through the bar windowâoutside, on the sidewalk, phone pressed to his ear, fingers pushing through his hairâyou follow without thinking.
You donât hesitate, slipping through the crowd and nudging the door open, letting it swing closed behind you.
He half-turns at the sound, catching you in his peripheral. A tiny smile lifts the corner of his mouth. He raises a single finger as if to say: One sec. So you lean against the wall beside the door, letting the cool air cling to your skin, internally cursing yourself for not putting on your coat before going out.
âOkay, Ma. Yeah, Iâll give him a call tomorrow. No, I promise, itâs fine. Yeah. Yeah, love you too. Sleep tight,â he says into his phone, ending the call and tucking the device into the pocket of his black slacks. âSorry. That was my mom. Sometimes she calls without checking the time first. She gets all excited.â
You smile, your mouth twitching. âThatâs⊠adorable.â
He shrugs, glancing down at his feet, almost bashful. âSheâs always worried Iâm working too much.â
âWell, are you?â
His eyes find yours, and for a second, he doesnât answer. At long last, he retorts, âMaybe.â
You study himâthe way his posture seems to be at ease out here, how the line of his shoulders relaxes in the quiet. Thereâs something about him that always feels held back, as if heâs managing himself carefully, like heâs afraid of taking up too much space.
Which is funny, considering how much space heâs been occupying in your thoughts lately.
âAre you annoyed?â you ask.
His smile fades. âWhat?â
âYou seemed⊠I donât know. Off.â
âNo,â he says, seemingly caught off guard. âNot annoyed.â You nod slowly, unsure if thatâs a real answer or the kind people give when they donât want to be asked twice. âI just needed some air. Thatâs all.â
You let that sit between you. Let the quiet stretch a little. The last thing you want is to pry, but thereâs something you want to know. It seems that lately you always want to know more with him, even when youâre afraid of the answers you might receive.
Next thing you know, your brain, being the traitor it is, decides now would be the perfect time to blurt: âSo, uh⊠are you and Lois a thing?â It comes out too fast and loud, way too sincere. You immediately want to grab the words midair and cram them back into your mouth.
Clark straightens so quickly itâs like someone snapped a rubber band on his arm, his jaw clenching. âWhat?â The pitch of his voice cracks up a little, like his vocal cords havenât gotten the memo that heâs supposed to be cool and composed.
âYou and Lois?â you repeat, trying to style it as harmless curiosity. You throw in a half-shrug that feels more like a full-body spasm. âI mean⊠itâs not a crazy question. Sheâs Lois Lane. Beautiful woman, insanely good hair. Iâd date her.â
âSheâd eat you alive.â
âYeah, but itâd be an honor.â
âLois and I are just friends. Really good friends. Weâve been through a lot together, but⊠itâs never been like that.â
Looking down, you nod in agreement, peering at your heels. Did they always have that much shine? You shift your weight, unsure where to put your hands. âGreat,â you reply. âI wasnât trying to make things weird. Itâs justâpeople talk, you know? Office gossip. Background noise. Someone had to ask.â
Clark cocks his head to the side, his forehead creasing. âSomeone?â
âYeah. I was just the unfortunate soul selected by the people. Took one for the team.â
He smiles then. âThe team.â
âYeah. Julie from Sports. And, uh⊠Carl.â
âCaro?â
âYeah,â you say, faking confidence. âHeâs new. Big into Hawaiian shirts. Youâd remember him if youâd seen him. That dudeâs hilarious.â
âRight.â He huffs out another quiet laugh, gesturing vaguely toward the bar. âWanna go back inside?â
You shake your head. âActually... I think Iâm heading home.â
âOh. You sure?â
âCertainly. Iâm just tired. Itâs been a long week. Brain soup.â
âI get that,â he says, softer now. But he doesnât move. âDo you want me to call you a cab?â
âRelax. I can get one myself. Last time I checked, I still owned a phone.â
He still doesnât budge. âOr⊠I could walk you home.â
And just like that, he disappears inside, the door swinging shut behind him with an almost faint thud.
The moment heâs gone, you let your head fall back against the bricks and close your eyes. It hadnât been in your plans to ask about Lois. Actually, you hadnât planned for any of this. You just saw him step outside and followed like gravity stopped being theoretical.
But sometimes, he looks at you like he sees something you donât, which is the part that terrifies you.
The door creaks open behind you. You straighten quickly, trying to shake off whatever expression you were wearing. Clark has your bag slung over one shoulder and your coat draped carefully over his arm. He looks absurdly responsible.
âYou really didnât have to do all that,â you say as he hands everything over to you.
âToo late,â he replies. âChivalry wins again.â
You walk the first few blocks in companionable silence. The city has started to go quiet, and even though the night is soft, your brain isnât.
Then, because the world is poetic when itâs inconvenient, your heel catches a crack in the pavement and you go down like a cursed fairytale. âShitâdamn it!â
âWhoaâgot you,â Clark huffs, catching you just in time. His hands are at your waist, strong and certain, and you hate how easily your pulse betrays you.
You wince. âAnkle. Ow.â
He guides you down to sit on the front steps of a random building, pursing his lips. He crouches, eyes scanning your foot like heâs searching for something under the skin. âProbably just a twist. You should be alright.â
âHow do youâŠ?â
âWhat?â
âHow do you know itâs not swelling?â you ask, scrutinizing him. âYou barely looked. Didnât even check it properly.â
âJust⊠a hunch, I meanââ His mouth opens, then closes, and then opens again with a whole new sentence. âLook, I didnât hear anything snap, so... unless your bones are stealthy...?â
âThatâs not exactly how ankles work.â
âI mean, you havenât turned purple. That has to be a good sign.â He laughs, tight and awkward, and you snort despite yourself. His hand rakes through his hair. âSorry. Just trying to be optimistic.â
âYou sure you werenât a paramedic in a past life?â
âOh, no. Iâd be terrible at that.â
Still, you watch him a second longer. He looks... nervous, like heâs afraid he said too much.
He kneels with his back to you. âHere. Get on.â
âExcuse me?â
âPiggyback. Letâs not make it a thing.â
âItâs already a thing. A humiliating one.â
âLet me reframe it: this is me being chivalrous, and you being temporarily horizontal.â
âThat is not how that word works.â You sigh, dramatic. âFine. Just⊠please, donât drop me.â
As you climb onto his back, his hands reach back to catch the backs of your knees, and when his palms find skinâwarm where your skirtâs ridden up slightlyâit short-circuits something in your chest. Itâs not even overtly intimate. Itâs just⊠contact. Unflinching contact. You feel it like a current, a hot spark that rushes up your spine and settles somewhere inconvenient.
âHave I already mentioned this is embarrassing?â you mutter, resting your chin lightly against his shoulder.
âYou say that like Iâm not honored.â
âIâm a grown woman. Youâre carrying me like a backpack.â
âYou are basically a human backpack,â he quips back. âAnd kind of a noisy one.â
You smack his shoulder gently, making him laugh. You let your eyes drift closed for a second, his back is broad under your touch. You become aware of how safe it feels, how easy it is to trust him.
âClark?â
âHmm?â
âYou didnât even blink when I said I hurt my ankle. Like you already knew it wasnât serious.â
He pauses. âI had a feeling.â
You lean back slightly to see his face, though the angle mostly gives you a view of his glasses and the top of his cheekbone. âYouâre weird.â
Smirking, he glances sideways just enough for you to catch it. âTakes one to know one.â
You let it drop, at least out loud. But your brain doesnât. It files this away with the other strange Clark Kent momentsâthe way he sometimes seems to flinch at distant sirens, or how youâd swear he once turned around because someone two desks over whispered his name.
By the time you reach your apartment, your ankle has started throbbing again, a dull ache radiating up your calf. Clark shifts slightly to let you down as you fumble for your keys.
You arenât exactly drunk, but your head definitely feels funny. âHere we are,â he says, and you slid off his back and onto the ground like a sack of potatoes with a masterâs degree.
âThanks,â you mumble, trying to stand in a way that suggests grace and control. âYou can, um. You can go be normal now.â
He sticks his hands in his pockets. âI was normal before.â
âThatâs debatable.â You finally open the door, triumphant, but instead of going in, you linger in the doorway, facing him. âThanks for the rescue. Again. Iâll see you Monday?â
âYeah,â he says softly. âGoodnight.â
He doesnât move, and neither do you. Your fingers tighten around the doorknob.
Thereâs an unexpected pull in your chest. The way his collar is rumpled. The way his hair curls behind his ears. The way the night had been soft, and the sidewalk felt warmer when he walked beside you, andâ
An unbeatable desire to kiss him invades your whole being. You want to touch his jaw and feel the shape of his mouth and know what it would be like to exist under his hands. To be held by Clark Kent.
He finally steps back, appearing reluctant. âYou might want to put some ice on it. Maybe take something for the pain?â
âYes, sir.â
âAnd give me a call if it gets worse.â
âOnly if I want to be carried again.â
âHappy to oblige.â
And thenâfinallyâhe walks away. You close the door behind you, pressing your forehead to the wood, heart knocking hard against your ribs.
Youâre beyond head over heels.
Another Monday at the Daily Planet. Itâs 8:56am, and as the elevator doors open with a cruel little ding, you carefully step out, checking your surroundings.
Everything looks the sameâthe hum of all those computers, some colleague having a hard time with the copier, Perry barking out unintelligible orders in the distanceâbut you are not the same. Not since last Friday.
Your ankleâs still a little sore, you havenât been sleeping well, and Clark Kent could be somewhere in this building, existing like a real person with real hands and a real mouth you definitely didnât imagine kissing at least ten times this weekend.
You weave through desks, praying for invisibility, whenâ
âMorning, sunshine,â Jimmy sing-songs from his chair, already halfway through a bagel, a smile plastered on his face. âHowâs the foot?â
âClark told you,â you say flatly.
Jimmy gives you a look, his eyes going round with faux innocence. âWho, me? No! I just assumed you mysteriously developed a limp and Clark suddenly discovered how to piggyback people from years of quiet farm strength.â
âI cannot believe he told you.â
âOh, come on. Itâs adorable.â Jimmy leans back in his chair, using his feet to make it spin. âYou? Carried through the city like a Victorian maiden? I wish I had footage. Iâd set it to music.â
âI hate you.â
He stops spinning to point his bagel at you. âYou say that, but I think you secretly love being the main character.â
âDo I look like someone who enjoys attention?â
âNot attention in general. Just his.â
You donât dignify that with a response. Mostly because heâs not wrong, and your face is already betraying you. Sliding into your chair, you pretend to focus on your monitor like it contains NASA launch codes.
Maybe if you donât look up, youâll avoidâ
âMorning,â Clark says gently, materializing beside your desk. You look up, and there he is. Soft smile. Soft eyes. Probably soft everything.
You panic and blurt the most neutral, irrelevant thing your brain can conjure: âDid you see that viral video of the goose chasing the guy through Centennial Park?â
Clark blinks. âI havenât.â
âCrazy stuff. Natureâs relentless.â
â...Okay.â
You clear your throat, willing yourself not to combust.
âAnyway,â Clark continues with his inquiry, âI just wanted to check in. Howâs the ankle doing?â
âFine! Yep. Great. I can do five jumping jacks. Not that I have, but I could.â
He raises his eyebrows, visibly amused. âThatâs good to know.â
âCool,â you reply, cringing on the inside. âCool, cool, cool, cool.â
And then you both just stand there, marinating in awkward silence. Eventually, Clark raises a hand in greeting and excuses himself to his desk, not before placing your usual coffee next to your keyboard. You thank him without managing to meet his eyes.
Your fingers hover near the cup, though you donât pick it up right away. The warmth radiates against your skin. Youâre aware of everythingâyour pulse, your breath, the tight flutter in your chest.
You try to return to your work. Really, you do. Itâs just that your thoughts donât seem to line up in a straight line today, and somehow English doesnât even feel like your mother tongue anymore.
Then Jimmy slides a folder across your desk. âPerry wants you to proofread this by noon. No pressure. Except all the pressure.â
You sigh, taking a sip of coffee and trying to remember how to be a functioning adult. Youâve got a job to do, feelings to repress, and exactly three hours until lunch.
Later that day, after a full shift spent second-guessing every adjective you typed and rereading all those drafts like they were confessionals, you finally make it home.
Shoes abandoned by the door. Work shirt flung somewhere in your hallway. The glow of your laptop waits on the coffee table, your latest half-thought article still open, the cursor blinking, mercifully patient.
You settle into the couch with a sigh and think: this, at least, is something.
And thenâyou notice it. A crucial absence.
Your charger.
Still plugged in beneath your desk at the Daily Planet like itâs mocking you. Of course. Of course the universe wants you to suffer. As you reach for your phone, ready to spiral, it buzzes in your hand.
Jimmy Olsen.
You answer blandly. âIf this is about that goose video againââ
âRelax. Itâs not.â He speaks as if heâs chewing something. âAlthough, side note, thereâs a new edit where the goose honks to the beat of Eye of the Tiger andâanyway. Thatâs not why Iâm calling.â
âThen what, Jimmy?â You drag a hand down your face, dreading every second of the call.
âYou left your charger hereââ
âDonât even get me started on that.â
ââbut I already gave it to Clark.â
Silence. Heavy, jagged silence.
âYou what?â
âGave it to Clark. Figured he could drop it off, since he already knows where you live.â He pauses, then adds, in the worldâs most audible smirk: âWink wink.â
âYou didnât actually wink just now, did you?â
âOh, I did, physically. With both eyes.â
âJimmyââ
âYouâre welcome. He said he was heading that way anyway.â
The line clicks dead. You stare at your phone for a moment longer, and then, because thereâs nothing else to do, you stand.
You wander to the balcony, scanning the street in search of a man you know very well. Thereâs no way youâre mentally or emotionally prepared for this. Murmuring something unspeakable, you dart to the bathroom mirror. Itâs too late to fix anything. Nevertheless, you splash cold water on your face, wiping under your eyes and blinking at your reflection like thatâll make you look alive.
Three polite, measured taps on your door have you looking at the doorway with utter fear, and thatâs when you consider faking your death.
In the end, you open the door. Clarkâs wearing a big coat that makes his shoulders look broader than human decency allows, holding your charger like itâs something precious.
âHey. Delivery service. Courtesy of Jimmy Olsen.â
You draw in a long breath. âThank you. IâIâm sorry you had to do that. He really didnât need to drag you intoââ
He shakes his head before you get to say more. âItâs no trouble. I was happy to.â
You step back, thumb tapping the edge of the door. âDo you wanna come in for a minute? I mean, you donât have to. Obviously. But if you want water orâtea? Bad tea. Thatâs all Iâve got.â
He smiles, stepping inside as if he were trying not to track in mud. âWaterâs perfect. Thanks.â
You leave him in the living room while you hunt down a clean glass, and as you pour, you curse yourself for the mess of dirty dishes on the counter. Once you come back, heâs not moving. Just standing by the couch, staring. At your laptop.
âI didnât mean to meddle in your stuff,â he says gently. âBut⊠were you writing something?â
You make your way around the couch. âOh. Yeah. No. Itâs nothing.â
He sits after getting rid of his coat, seemingly not believing your words. âCan I ask what itâs about?â
Placing the glass on top of the table, you take a seat beside him, your knees folding under you, fingers worrying at the seam of your pants. âItâs kind of dumb.â
âI doubt that.â
âItâs justâsomething I started on Saturday night. I donât know. Itâs not an article, really. Not for the paper. Just⊠thoughts. About Superman. Or not him exactly. More about what he means to people.â
He says nothing. So you keep going.
âI guess Iâve been thinking about why people need something to believe in. Like a⊠structure. A symbol. Something to hang all their hope on. And for some people, thatâs Superman, even if heâs flawed. He gives people permission to believe the world isnât doomed.â
You pause. âAnd Perry would throw it in the trash if he ever came across it,â you add, bitterly. âSo. Doesnât matter.â
Clarkâs gdoesnât tear his gaze away from you. âIâd like to read it.â
You blink. âWhat?â
âIf youâre okay with it,â he says, nodding toward the laptop. âIâd really like to.â
Hesitating for a second longer, you eventually slide the laptop in his direction. He adjusts on the couch as he leans forward, careful with the device, treating it as something delicate.
âBrace yourself for excessive metaphors.â
âOh, I love metaphors. The more excessive, the better.â
And so he begins to read.
You try not to stare. At him, at the screen, at anything. You focus on the ticking of a clock you didnât even know had batteries, wondering if Clark will also think that what you wrote is too silly. Too emotional or abstract. Perhaps he'll want to know why you were writing about Superman in the first place.
Thereâs a sudden shift in his demeanor. Itâs subtle, barely anything. His shoulders drop a fraction, and when you take in the full sight of him, heâs grinning, reading all the way through.
âThis is good,â he says, still concentrated on the screen. âReally good.â
âYou donât have to say that just to be nice.â
He shakes his head once, firm. âNoâI mean it. The structureâs clean. You build your argument gradually, but it doesnât drag. Your transitions are solid. And your toneââ He glares at you now. ââitâs vulnerable without tipping into sentimentality. Thereâs conviction in it, but you donât preach. It feels like a conversation.â
Your mouth opens, but nothing comes out. âItâs not finished yet,â you manage eventually, voice tight. âI still have to go over the middle section. I think I wasnât that clear once I got into the part about collective memoryââ
âEven so. Youâre onto something. If you let me, Iâd love to help you get it in front of Perry.â
Your eyes bore into his, edging closer to where heâs located. He looks entirely sincere. A sharp pressure envelops your chest, and you want to thank him for his kindness, but what comes out instead is a hoarse: âReally?â
âReally. We could try and talk to him one of these days.â
Before you can stop yourself, you lean in and hug him.
You donât even think about itâyour body just does it, and then youâre flushed against him, arms around his neck, your face tucked against the warm fabric of his coat. He smells like paper and some brand of laundry detergent you donât recognize.
He hugs you back, and itâs not one of those loose, polite things. His arm curves around you like he means it. You close your eyes, just for a second, just long enough to remember what it feels like to be held like that.
âI keep doing this,â you utter, voice hushed by how near he is. âRandomly hugging you.â
âI donât mind it. Not at all.â
When you pull back, youâre still half in his space, breathing a little faster than usual. The relief is short-lived.
You ask for the antidote to the ache that keeps you up at night, something to quiet the want that only he seems to understand. âCan you please do it?â
âDo what?â
Does he want you to say it?
You stare at him, and something in your stomach dives. âPlease, kiss me,â you plead, your voice barely rising above the hush of breath between you, and yet it seems to echo in the small apartment. Your cheeks feel burning hot, but you donât, canât, wonât look away. Not now. Not with him so close youâre convinced your skin might start fusing with his.
That seems to shake something in him. It might be the first time youâve seen him truly stunned. His lips part slightly, eyes flicking from yours to your mouth, trying to make sense of the fact that this is real. That you want this from him.
One hand lifts reverently and settles along your jaw. The pads of his fingers cradle the hinge of it like youâre beyond fragile, afraid of pressing too hard. His thumb barely skims the corner of your mouth, and you perceive a jolt going down your spine.
His touch is featherlight, but his breathing is not. Itâs affected, perhaps as much as yours. âYou really want me to?â
You nod. Or try to. It comes out more like an eager lean into his palm, your body already answering before your mouth does. Itâs been too long since youâve been touched this way, like you mattered.
Your thighs press against his, knees brushing the outside of his, as if you were nearly straddling him. When your hands move instinctively to his chest, you see it: the first button of his shirt undone. The faint rise and fall beneath it.
You glance up, asking without words. He doesnât back away, and you press your fingertips lightly there. His pale skin feels smooth to the touch, and his heartbeat flutters beneath your fingertips, stuttering out of rhythm.
He wants this as much as you do. The human body doesnât lie. It canât. It doesnât pretend to want something it doesnât crave.
âI do,â you insist, the words catching faintly at the back of your throat, transfixed in a whirlwind of emotion. âI need you to do it.â
A shallow breath leaves him. Thereâs a thin, glowing ring of blue circling his pupils, his gaze so dark it nearly swallows the light. His other hand slides around to the nape of your neck, achingly gentle.
Clark pulls you in, and his lips meet yours.
At first, itâs a series of tender collisions, just the press and lift of mouths, as if heâs testing the shape of you against him, trying to memorize it in pieces. One kiss. Another. And another. They donât last long because they donât need to.
Itâs when you tilt your head and open your mouth to him that he gives in. Thatâs all it takes.
He deepens the kiss instantly, as if heâs been waiting for that signal all along. His mouth claims yours with an urgency that feels both new and inevitable. His lips are plush, cool with mint, probably the vague trace of chewing gum still clinging from earlier.
Your hands fist the fabric of his shirt like a lifeline, his glasses knocking into your nose once, twice. Your body shifts, and then youâre fully perched in his lap, thighs spread over his. His arms adjust around your waist, steadying you there, holding you like he canât bear the idea of you leaving. One of his hands slides to your lower back, while the other, still at your neck, traces along your jaw, then behind your ear, fingers tangled in your hair.
Sighing into him, your breath gets caught in the cavern of his mouth. The world gets smaller, somehow quieter. Just the sound of his breath mixing with yours, the thud of your pulse in your ears, the heat pooling between you like a live wire.
And even through it, he never stops being gentle. He doesnât rush it. Doesnât push too hard, though his body trembles beneath you every time he elicits a new sound out of you.
At some point, your lungs scream for oxygen, having grown unaccustomed to the sheer indulgence of kissing for several uninterrupted minutes. You pull back only enough to press your forehead to his, gasping his name. Youâre kissed raw, lit from the inside out, and the only thing anchoring you is the reassuring pressure of his arms, still wrapped around your frame.
Your lips linger over his, and when you open your eyes, you find his still closed. Neither of you speaks for a moment. His thumb traces a distracted path across your lower back.
Then:
âYou should start forgetting your charger more often,â he murmurs, voice a little raspy.
That alone has you focusing on evening out the creases of his shirt with your palm, mostly to avoid combusting. âI swear it wasnât on purpose.â His finger gently lifts your chin, coaxing you to meet his gaze. The quiet ache of tenderness in his eyes nearly does you in. âHey.â
âHey.â
The words youâve been actively trying to cage in for months fall out of your mouth without permission, but you donât regret them. âI like you.â
He gathers you tighter against his chest. âWell, I canât say Iâm not flattered,â he says, teasing, that crooked half-smile already returning. A laugh bubbles out of himâbut itâs giddy, boyish. You cut him off by covering his mouth with your palm.
âDonât make fun of me. Iâm trying to have a moment here.â
He gently peels your hand away, lacing your fingers with his instead, and brings them to rest against his chest. âIâve probably been dreaming about this since your first week at the office,â he admits.
You glance up and notice his glasses have slipped down the bridge of his nose. Carefully, you push them back up with a fingertip. âI was always looking at you, you know,â you confess, quieter now. âCouldnât help it.â
âYou talk like I didnât bring you coffee on your second day,â he teases, brushing his nose against yours. Leaning back just enough to take you in, his eyes sweep slowly across your face. âI havenât been able to stop thinking about you.â
The words melt straight into your spine, and before you can think better of it, you surge forward and kiss him again. He meets you without hesitation, and when you break away, you leave a trail of humid kisses across his cheeks, down the line of his jaw, until your mouth finds the curve of his neck.
âI think my kissing might be a little rusty,â you croak into his skin. âCould probably use some improvement.â
âYouâre kidding? It was fantastic. What are youâoh.â A beat. Then: âOh. Sure.â Heâs grinning like an idiot now, draping an arm around your waist. âI mean, I can help you with that. Practice makes perfect.â
âHow noble of you, Kent.â
Your first kiss (kisses, pluralâyou lost count around the third) marks a shift in the fabric of everything. Youâd seen it coming, even gave yourself a pep talk in the mirror that morning.
But then Clark sets a coffee on your desk, just as he always does, and says, âHope you have a really good day today,â and suddenly your pep talk is useless. Youâre smiling like someone who knows something others donât. Because you do.
Together, you find a rhythm. You donât talk about what this isâyetâbut somethingâs shifted. No overt PDA. Not even flirtation, not really. Just⊠little things. Things that no one else clocks. The way he passes you a folder with an unnecessary brush of fingers. The way he saves you a chair in meetings and pulls it subtly closer to his, so that your knees bump under the table.
Itâs the kind of thing that would be completely invisible to anyone else, but to you, itâs everything. Itâs a love letter made of glances and millimeters, what you replay at night before bed, giggling at your ceiling like a fool.
Weeks pass in a blur of late nights and whispered conversations in elevators, and work has never been this motivating. Even Perry has stopped looking at you like youâre one bad coffee spill away from being escorted out by security.
One of Clarkâs articles makes the front pageâagainâand when Jimmy sees it, he promptly rolls up the newspaper and smacks Clark in the arm with it. âAlright, headline hero. At this point, youâre just showing off.â
Clark ducks his head with a laugh, caught mid-fumble with his bag, a coffee, and what looks like three different folders sliding out from under his arm. You want to help him, but instead you just stand at your desk, watching like an idiot, warm with the kind of affection that makes your hands feel too light.
Lois arrives like sheâs been summoned by sarcasm. She chews the end of a pen and corners Clark against his desk, watching him try to stack his chaos. âYou know, Kent, I find it fascinating. You always seem to be conveniently nearby when Supermanâs handing out interviews like candy on Halloween.â
He doesnât look up, adjusting his monitor as if that could save him. âWhat can I say? Maybe Iâm his type. We havenât kissed yet, if thatâs what youâre wondering.â
She narrows her eyes. âDonât try to be clever with me. What do you give him? Why does he only let you interview him?â
âHave you considered he just⊠likes my writing?â
âSo now youâre accusing him of bad taste?â
Jimmy slides into frame, palms raised. âOkay, okay. Timeâs up, guys.â He puts both hands on Loisâs shoulders with exaggerated care. âYou, my friend, are tense. Breathe. Maybe try yoga. Or tequila.â
Blowing air through her cheeks, she finally peels away, muttering, âI just wish Superman would leave his favoritism aside.â Before heading to her desk, she gives Clark one final, mysterious look.
Jimmy drops into his own chair dramatically, putting his feet over his desk. âWell, at least I tried.â
The day presses on. When lunch rolls around, youâre still grinning. You spot Clark at his desk, half-eaten sandwich in one hand, the other scrolling through something on his monitor, glasses barely askew. You approach with your hands clasped behind your back, adopting a mock-serious tone.
âMr. Kent.â
His eyes flick up, and he swallows a bite too quickly. âOh. Hi. To what do I owe the pleasure?â
You tilt your chin toward the newspaper near his bag. âJust wanted to congratulate you on the article.â
He lowers his voice until itâs almost inaudible, cheeks going faintly pink. âThank you, baby. I would've hugged you the second I saw it, but, you knowâŠâ
âTo celebrate⊠I was thinking dinner? I could make homemade pasta.â
âGosh, Iâd love that. Your place?â
âYeah.â
âI wish I could kiss you right now,â he murmurs, gaze soft and so full of feelings it nearly unmoors you. âYou look beautiful today.â
It hits you in the ribs, the way he says it. You offer him your fist. âFist punch?â
His smile is half laughter, half reverence. He bumps your knuckles with his own, his fingers linger a beat longer than necessary.
As night folds in around your apartment, youâve been stirring the sauce for the past twenty minutes, though itâs been done for at least ten. The smell of garlic and basil lingers in the air, the wine is uncorked, and the candles you litâjust two, nothing too obviousâare dripping lazy wax trails down their sides and onto the counter.
Your phone buzzes where itâs propped upright beside the sink.
Clark: Hey, Iâm so sorry. Something came up. Can we rain check dinner? Promise Iâll make it up to you.
You just stand there, wooden spoon in hand. No call or explanation. Just the same vague apology he's given you three times now, each time with a different flavor of excuse. Each time with the same effect: you, left waiting with something you didnât mean to take so personally.
Thereâs an answer teetering on the edge of your tongue. You even type, Itâs alright! :-), with the smiley face and all, mostly to seem breezy. Effortless. But your thumb pauses, then backspaces slowly until the message disappears, and you leave him on read. Not as a form of punishment, but because you donât know what else to reply.
You try to be patient. Try to be the kind of person who shrugs things off, who doesnât take a rain check as anything more than bad timing. The problemâs that youâre not wired that way: you feel too much. You think too much.
Turns out, keeping your brain from imploding is the hardest part. Youâve even been practicing it lately, this thing of not jumping to the worst-case scenario. Telling yourself not everything is a sign, and that people get busy and have lives.
The thingâs that your brain has a voice of its own. A mean one, which sounds an awfully lot like yours.
Maybe he kissed you because he felt like he had to.
Maybe he doesnât know how to say it, but heâs changed his mind.
Maybe he never wanted something serious, and youâre the only one building stories out of crumbs.
Dragging your feet back to the living room, you sit down in the nice pair of clothes youâd chosen for the occasion, and blink at the empty coffee table. As your body sinks into the couch cushions, the fatigue of disappointment sinks deeper than any full day at the Daily Planet. The TV throws shadows on the walls, some sitcom playing to an invisible audience.
And when your eyes finally close, you let sleep take the shape of mercy.
The pasta incident, when the spaghetti went cold and your heart even colder, wasnât the last time he left you waiting.
Almost two weeks later, it plays out again.
The door clicks open an hour and a half past when he said heâd be here. You donât greet him. Instead, you remain in the kitchen, back precisely angled away from the entrance, pretending to be focused on dinner even though itâs gone cold.
Clarkâs footsteps are calculated, a careful shuffle across the living room carpet, testing the silence. He pauses just inside the kitchen's threshold. âHey, honey,â he says, a little too bright, a little too loud, his greeting threading through the stillness. âSorry Iâm late. There was something I had to take care of.â
You crane your neck slowly. His hair is damp, curling at the edges, exactly as it does after sweating. His shirt is inside out, rumpled, the collar a crumpled mess. His cheeks are flushed, a deep, uneven red, and his chest rises and falls in quick, shallow breaths, as if he sprinted the last few blocks. He looks utterly disheveled.
You donât ask where heâs been. Not yet. âYour shirt's backwards,â you retort instead, the words flat, neutral.
Startled, he bows his head, looking down and letting out a short, forced puff of air as he rubs the back of his neck. âMy bad. I didnât even notice.â His eyes, meeting yours, hold a flicker of surprise, quickly veiled.
âYeah. You seem⊠in a rush.â
He doesnât contradict you, just watches, completely tongue-tied, his posture subtly tightening. You drop your gaze back to the casserole dishâstuffed eggplants, roasted earlier in the dayâand put it back into the oven, hoping itâll survive the fifth reheat of the night.
Behind you, you feel him inch closer. A familiar warmth spreads across your back as his body presses gently against yours. His arms wrap around your waist, his hands resting lightly on your stomach, chin settling onto your shoulder while he brushes his lips against your cheek. âYouâre quiet.â
You lift your shoulder in a half-shrug. âAnd youâre late.â
His hold around you tightens, rocking both your bodies back and forth before spinning you around to face him. His eyes, filled with longing, seek yours. âI missed you.â
If only that could be enough. You wish you could live off the sound of his voice and the weight of his hands on your body, letting his presence fill all the empty spaces, though you canât help craving the one thing he wonât grant you: clarity.
Clark kisses you hungrily, a low, frustrated sound catching in his throat the moment you open to him, your tongue clashing with his. His cold hands glide up your back, slipping beneath your shirt to find bare skin, and you gasp as his fingers knead your lower back, the swift curve of your spine.
In one seamless motion, he lifts you onto the counter, and the kiss evolves into one heated and consuming, more of a desperate embrace. It's almost like heâs trying to make up for every second heâs missed, every moment of absence now erased by the force of his presence. Your fingers tangle in the damp hair at his nape, giving it a firm tug. That has him groaning against you, stepping further in between your knees, pressing flush against you.
His kisses deviate, trailing south, turning sloppy. "Itâs been two months since our first kiss," he rasps against your throat, lips dragging over your damp skin, leaving open-mouthed kisses and a trail of heat.
For a moment, you let yourself vanish into him, surrendering to the overwhelming sensation, the promise of fleeting oblivion. You swallow hard, a whine bubbling up in your chest as his hips grind into yours with rhythmic pressure.
A sharp sizzle coming from the oven cuts through the haze.
You stiffen, hands finding his chest, pushing against him, breathless. "The eggplants."
He lets out a dazed breath, his forehead still resting against your clavicles before you manage to slide off the counter. You crack open the oven just in time, a cloud of smoke puffing out.
Plating the food, you meticulously avoid his gaze. The comfortable intimacy of moments before has been shattered. âYou couldâve let me know youâd be arriving this late.â
âI told youââ
âI know,â you cut in. âSomething came up.â
He exhales, planting hands on his hips. His body remains a few feet from you, a physical barrier building. âOkay. So youâre mad.â
âIâm not mad.â
âDisappointed, then?â
âClark, itâs not even about tonight.â
âThen what is it about?â
You hesitate, picking up both your plates. Then: âWhere were you?â The silence that follows stretches too long, and he merely stands there, observing you âRight.â
âI donât want to fight.â
âIâm not fighting. Iâm just⊠tired.â
He takes a single step closer, his brow furrowed. âYou donât believe me.â
You glance at him, quietly. âShould I?â
That hits him like a slap. âI told you I liked you, that I care about you. About us. Iâve shown you that.â
âBut then you vanish,â you say in rejoinder, voice trembling. âYou show up looking like youâve just escaped a fire. You donât answer calls. You donât explain anything. Donât you think that drives me crazy?â
âIâve been telling youââ
âClark, itâs not about you saying it! Itâs about me believing it. And you donât exactly make that easy.â
âThe real problem here is that you donât trust me.â
âYou think I want to be like this? You think I like doubting people when theyâre kind to me? Well, Iâm sorry,â you snap, the words coated in sarcasm, a desperate defense. âWould you like me to book a therapy session mid-dessert?â
âMaybe you should,â he agreesâand the moment he does, his shoulders slump, a quiet wave of regret washing over his face.
Biting your tongue, you carry your plates to the table, placing them down on the wooden surface. He stays in the kitchen, breathing hard.
âIâm sorry,â he says again, softer now. âI justâ I donât know how to do this when you already assume Iâm going to leave.â
âIâm not assuming,â you say, barely a whisper, sitting down at the table. âIâm just preparing for what usually happens.â
âYouâre staring at me like Iâm about to vanish.â
You blink, wounded by his accuracy. âBecause people do. They do that.â
âIâm not people!â he exclaims, suddenly louder, cracking with what you perceive as frustration. His fists clench at his sides, knuckles white, though he remains rooted in place. "Iâm me. And Iâm standing right here, arenât I?"
âFor now. Who knows if something else will come up?â
Something cracks in him then. He exhales a sharp sound of utter defeat. His blue eyes dart around the kitchen, looking everywhere but at you, like he suddenly doesnât know where to put his hands. With a jerky motion, he turns abruptly and moves to the couch, grabbing his bag, and after a quiet clink, he places the set of keys you gave himâyour apartment keysâ on the table.
He doesn't look back at them. Or at you. âOkay,â he mutters under his breath. âOkay.â
âClarkââ you start, a desperate plea forming in your throat.
âThank you for the food,â he says, slinging the bag over his shoulder. âIâm sure itâs great.â
Then the door clicks again, and heâs gone.
The Daily Planet office, once a source of nervous excitement, now feels like the perfect stage for an excruciating play, where every creak of a chair, every muffled phone call, and every far-off laugh from the newsroom, feels amplified.
One day bleeds into the next. Two become three. Three into four. Time unspools in quiet, colorless strands, and you and Clark donât speak.
You develop a radar for him. The way his broad shoulders appear in the periphery of your vision when he walks past your desk. The clean scent that lingers for a moment too long in the air after heâs been near. The rustle of his coat, the click of his shoes.
Each tiny signal sends a fresh jolt through you, a cocktail of longing, hurt, and a futile sense of hope that he might just look at you differently.
He never does. His gaze, when it lands anywhere near your orbit, can be described as nothing more than fleeting. His profile, when you cast him a quick glance, is unreadable, stony. He still places your usual coffee beside your monitor. The one you havenât asked for. The one you donât touch.
Itâs the careful avoidance of two people who know too much about each other, and yet, not enough.
Jimmy, bless his usually boisterous heart, is the first to notice the shift. The absence of his jokes feels heavier than any of his previous teasing. He watches you some mornings when you walk inâdoes a quick, puzzled double takeâthen looks away with a frown youâre not supposed to catch.
Your new routine includes staying late at the newsroom. Not because youâre more productive, but because being alone in the office feels better than being alone in your apartment. You stare at the same document for hours while words blur and sentences unravel in front of you.
But when your mind finally stills, it drifts to the article. The one you wrote about Superman. The one Clark urged you to show Perry.
Youâd written it during a different time. A better one. It had come from a place of awe, from a belief that Superman was more than a shiny cape and strengthâthat he was what Metropolis aspired to be: a symbol of better days, of striving, of hope.
Now, hope feels like a language youâve forgotten how to speak.
Today, you donât believe in hope. You believe in a man who held you like he meant it, once, and canât meet your eyes now.
Nevertheless, you print the article, not really knowing why. Maybe because itâs the only thing in this building that still feels like it belongs to you.
Gathering the pages, you breathe in, hold it, let it out. Outside Perryâs office, you linger for a full minute before knocking.
His office is its usual chaos: tottering stacks of newspapers, coffee cups in varying states of decay, and the smell of old cigar smoke clinging to the walls like wallpaper.
âWell, donât just stand there,â he grunts. âWhatâve you got?â
You step inside slowly, article in hand, your grip faltering slightly as you set it down on his desk. âI know this isnât what I was assigned, but Iâve been⊠working on something for the past weeks.â
He squints at you. âYou been using our electricity for your side projects?â
âNo! IâI wrote it at home. I swear.â
He huffs, puts on his reading glasses, and begins scanning the first page. You try not to stare at him, but itâs impossible. Your eyes cling to every twitch in his jaw, every slight narrowing of his eyes.
His face gives away nothing, and you brace for the worst. That itâs too sentimental. Too soft. Too young.
Finally, he leans back, lifting his chin and pinning you with a piercing look. âDo you like it?â
You blink owlishly. âWhy are you asking me?â
âBecause I want to know.â
âItâs not up to me,â you deflect. âYouâre the one who decides if it runs.â
âI know that. But you wouldnât bring me something you didnât believe in. So Iâll ask again: are you proud of it? Do you think it belongs in the columns of this paper?â
For a moment, your throat closes up. You hadnât realized how deeply youâd buried your own opinion. Youâd been so focused on disappearing, on not making noise, not taking up spaceâespecially this weekâthat you forgot to consider what you thought of your own work.
Perryâs looking at you like heâs not going to breathe until you answer.
So you speak, nodding in agreement, and right after adding, âI believe people will find it comforting.â
âThen you know what comes next.â
Your confidence may not be at its best, neither is your hope, but this is enough. At least to keep writing, to walk back to your desk.
Itâs enough to make it to tomorrow.
Sleep wonât come.
Youâve tried everything: writing until your hand cramped, scrolling endlessly, even lying on the floor like a starfish, begging the ceiling to knock you out. Meditation felt like self-punishment tonight. Silence only made the memories louder.
So you call him. Once, twice, but youâre met with nothing else than his voicemail. You donât leave a message. What would you even say? Hi, I know you said you cared about me and then walked out of my apartment looking like you were breaking from the inside out, but I miss you and I canât breathe right now, and can you please justâ
You decide to hang up, tossing your phone onto the couch and flicking on the television. Static. Infomercials. Cartoons. Some old film from the 1940s.
And thenâLois Laneâs voice. The screen flickers to life, showing a live, chaotic feed. A shaky handheld shot from a rooftop shows a scene near Metropolis General Hospital. A glowing creature, a blur of silver and blue and fury, throws what looks like an empty city bus like itâs paper. A streetlamp explodes and sirens scream in the distance.
It all makes you wonder where Superman is.
Heâs not flying in for a rescue, not beaming reassuring smiles, not waving at kids from the sky. Heâs in the dirt, bloodied at the temple, gritting his teeth as he lifts a half-crushed ambulance off the street.
You sit up straight, your heart climbing to your throat.
Loisâs voice crackles through the footage: ââbeen a difficult few weeks for Metropolisâs hero. Fans online have pointed out the change in his demeanor: less smiling, more⊠focused. Almost withdrawn. Weâve reached out to the authoritiesââ
Itâs physically impossible for you to hear the rest because youâre entranced watching him. Heâs moving like someone who hasnât slept in days. Fighting like he doesnât care if he gets hurt.
You canât look away.
The camera pans wildly as Superman lunges forward, slamming his shoulder into the creatureâs ribs with a sound that resembles crumbling concrete. Thereâs a fresh gash across his cheekbone, his hair disheveled, not in the windswept, magazine-cover kind of way, but genuinely messy: flattened in places, curling in others, soaked with sweat.
For the first time, youâre not watching Superman. Youâre watching someone else. Someone who looks likeâ
No. No, that would be insane. The idea is so preposterous, your mind rejects it, but the seed of recognition has been planted. It can't be. Not him.
Once again, Loisâs voice cuts through the footage, her tone sharper now, edged with that reporterâs concern she usually hides under cool professionalism.
âSuperman was spotted fighting alone for nearly half an hour before backup arrived. And while officials say the Justice Gang is expected to contain the situation soon, many are asking the same question: what happens when Superman is no longer invincible? What happens when he burns out?â
Staring at the screen, you contemplate his eyes flickering up for a secondâjust a secondâlike heâs heard something above the noise. And theyâre blue. The exact kind of blue thatâs filled your mornings for the last three months.
Your breath stutters. The camera angle shifts. This time, it shows his jaw flexing as he takes another hit, wiping the blood from his lip with the back of his hand.
Youâve seen that gesture. Too many times. âNo,â you whisper out loud. âNo, thatâs not possible.â
Youâre already moving, with your heart in your mouth. You donât even know what youâre reaching for at first, until your hand brushes something at the back of the drawer beneath your TV. Itâs a pair of old prescription glasses you never quite got used to, the ones you always said gave you headaches.
Holding them up, you hover them in front of the TV, and your world rearranges itself.
There he is.
Clark.
Clark, with that same square jaw, that same tilt of his mouth when heâs gritting through something.
Clark, who stammers when heâs nervous, who brings you coffee even when you wonât drink it.
Clark, whose shoulders you could rest your whole weight onânot only because heâs strong, but because heâs been carrying the sky for so long and somehow still made room for you.
Clark, who sat next to you on the stairwell that day when you felt like quitting.
Clark, whose kindness never felt performative, who looked at you like you were worth listening to even when you were barely making sense.
Clark, who vanishes into smoke and ash and headlines. Who leaves through the fire escape and returns hours later. Who smiled at you across the office like it meant something, and maybe it did, maybe it always didâbut now you know the cost of that smile.
If you lower the glasses, heâs Superman again.
If you lift them⊠itâs the Clark you know.
Theyâre the same man. Two halves of a single truth.
âOh my God,â you whisper again, this time not out of disbelief, but something much deeper. Something hollow and shattering.
Loisâs voice keeps going, but itâs background noise now, a murmur beneath the ringing in your ears.
You sit back on the couch, eyes locked on the screen, heart thudding like a trapped bird. Every memory starts to rearrange itself, clicking into a terrifying, undeniable pattern. His sudden disappearances. The uncanny way he knew you werenât hurt that night at the bar. The tension in his voice each time he apologized for being late. The way heâd always kiss you like it was the last time heâd ever get to.
The truth has slipped through a crack you never saw until now, and thereâs no unseeing it. He was lying to you, but not in a cruel way. He was just trying to protect you.
The monster finally goes down in a shuddering collapse of concrete and bone. The camera shakes violently, jolting as dust swallows the scene, and then steadies just in time to catch Supermanâor Clarkâlanding hard on one knee.
Green Lantern, Mr Terrific and Hawkgirl all converge around him, bruised and dust-streaked, checking in on each other. But your eyes wonât leave his face. Thereâs a scratch across his brow along with many others. His mouth twitches into a faint smile as the crowd outside the hospital begins to clap, nodding at them. He doesnât need to say anything, at least not right now.
For one suspended second, his gaze falls directly into the camera lens, and itâs not the kind of look meant for press or headlines or statues carved in his honor. Itâs private, and heavy, and it feels like heâs looking straight into your apartment, straight through the screen.
Straight through you.
Loisâs voice snaps back into focus: âMetropolis, you can rest easy tonight. For now, Superman and the Justice League have subdued the threat.â
You press a hand to your mouth, the glow from the television casting his silhouette across your walls, larger than life, yet so impossibly familiar now it almost hurts to look.
He steps away from the others. Sirens flash red against his suit, casting ripples of color through the smoke. A few children break from the crowd, darting past yellow caution tape, their small arms wrapping around his legs in awe-struck gratitude. He kneels momentarily, accepting their hugs with the kind of gentleness that breaks you open.
You canât hear what he says to them, but it softens their faces. One of them gives him a flower. Another just holds his hand.
Then, without fanfare, he lifts off the ground, launching himself into the sky. The wind kicks up rubble, camera crews duck, the picture shakes, and he vanishes into the sky like he was never really there.
Gone.
You stare at the empty space he left behind on the screen, breath snagged in your lungs.
âWhere are you going?â you mumble, reaching for the screen. âWhere are youââ
The muted clatter of ceramic on concrete interrupts your rambling.
Slowly, you turn your head to your balcony, afraid of what youâll find. Out past your window, a potted lavender plant lies cracked and wilting. Clarkâs standing there, just outside the glass. âIâm sorry,â he says, voice muffled, wincing is he gestures to the shattered pot at his feet. âI didnât calculate the landing right.â
Rooted to the floor, as if your feet have been sealed to the carpet, you stare at him through the glass as if heâs a hologram. A turbulent mixture of strange feelings clashes inside you, and you fight them back, stepping to the side as you open the window. His boots scuff against the floorboards, dragging slightly as he steps inside
At first, he canât seem to bring himself to look at you directly. He paces around the living room, running his hands through his hair, sighing like someone whoâs rehearsed this moment a thousand times and still doesnât know where to begin.
âClarkââ
âThis is why I disappear all the time,â he blurts, abruptly stopping in front of the television. âWhy I cancel our plans. Why I show up late, or leave before Iâm supposed to, or text you lame excuses like âSorry, got held upâ when Iâm halfway across the planet.â
Itâs hard to make the connection. The leap between the man who fumbles with his tie and tells bad puns over takeout, and the mythological figure on screen who bends steel and outruns storms, whose every move seems broadcast across the globe.
Theyâre two versions of a whole you never imagined could overlap. And yet⊠it makes sense, somehow. Of course Clark would be Superman. A man so genuine, so generous, who expects for nothing and finds the way to see beauty in rusted scraps and broken thingsâwho better to carry the weight of hope?
âI shouldâve told you sooner. God, I meant to. I wanted to, I swear. I was going to, that night after I read your article. You were sitting there, talking about Superman like he was some kind of miracle and I justââ He breaks off, shaking his head. âIt got too easy to pretend I could have both. Be with you. Protect you. Keep it all going without having to risk what we had.â
Interrupting him now would feel like an act of pure cruelty. You see the disoriented anguish in his gaze, the way his fists clench and unclench with each passing second, how desperately he seems to need to unburden himself.
You wonder what wouldâve happened if, instead of crashing onto your balcony and shattering a pot in the process, he had simply returned to his own apartment. Would the love you hold for him feel so present in any other scenario?
âI know this is a lot to process, but I came to understand something about you.â His voice holds such certainty it frightens you, because lately it feels like everyone else can decipher whatâs happening to you except for yourself. âYou think youâre just this temporary thing, because you donât see yourself the way I do. Thatâs why youâre always bracing for things to fall apart.â
You want to explain yourself, to give a reason for your not-at-all-desirable behavior, but you realize you canât in this moment. Not when honesty radiates from him like heat.
In the blink of an eye, heâs holding your hands in his, his grip gentle yet firm, and he brings them to his lips to press a short, tender kiss to the back of them.
âI canât seem to make sense of it. Iâve tried. But itâs been impossible for me to find a single reason why you should believe that about yourself.â You brush a tentative finger along his injured cheekbone, stopping just before you swipe dried blood, though he still offers a soft smile. His gaze is so profoundly tender you wonder if this is the first time you're truly contemplating the depth behind them. âIâm in love with you. And if I could show you your reflection through my eyes for one day, youâd understand why youâre the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing before I fall asleep.â
You never thought this type of experience could be granted to you. The belief that such moments were reserved for certain people feels now demystified. Perhaps no other moment in your life couldâve prepared you for this.
Of all the unrealistic scenarios you'd concocted over the years, mostly in your adolescence, when fantasies of a pure and overwhelming love did nothing but numb you, you never wouldâve imagined someone would love you in this way, declaring their love for you so sincerely.
The need to get rid of the blood on his face gnaws at you, and you find yourself gently tugging him towards the kitchen, neither of you saying a word. You search for a clean dishcloth in some forgotten drawer, holding it under the faucet for a few seconds. Once itâs dampened, you press it softly against the bruised areas on his lip and cheek.
He tries not to move, placing both hands flat on the counter behind you, caging you with his whole frame. This scene reminds you of the last time you were both here, the day that marked two months of seeing each other.
A day to forget, actually, because it devolved into a complete disaster.
âI got used to living with this voice in my head that sabotages me. I donât know when it started. Part of me thinks itâs always been there. Sometimes itâs quieter. Other times, itâs so loud I canât think straight. But Iâve never been able to shut it up completely.â
You take a shaky breath, putting down the cloth once itâs no longer useful. Clark doesnât pull away, nor does he move closer. He remains right where he is, poised, his entire being waiting for what youâll say next.
âI never feel like I deserve the good stuff that happens to me. I wish I did. God, I do. Perry even said heâs publishing the article I wrote and I still have to convince myself heâs not just doing it out of pityââ
His eyebrows lift, and he canât help but cut you off. Waitâreally? Heâs publishing it?â A broad, genuine smile blooms on his face, almost illuminating the dimness of your apartment. âThatâs amazing!â
âThank you. I was planning on telling you, butâyou know.â Your gaze drifts to the symbol on his suit, and you trace it with a tentative finger, the synthetic material feeling utterly strange under your touch. âThe thing is I overthink everything. Always have. And I donât know if youâll think Iâm crazy or exhausting or whatever, but I canât control it. I wish I could. So every time you went away, when you started canceling plans or looking at me like you were somewhere else entirely, I got scared.â
So this is what it feels like to truly open your heart to another soul.
âI thought that voice was right, and that you were pulling away because you regretted it because youâd realized I wasnât worth the trouble. And maybe you just didnât know how to tell me, since we work together, and we share the same friends. Plus, things between us have beenââ Once again, your words tangle, and you internally blame the raw emotionality of the moment. âI canât get away from myself, Clark. But other people? They can walk away. And I thought thatâs what you were doing.
Thereâs a pause, and his advice seems to be: âDonât trust your brain.â
âWhat do you meanââ
âDonât believe everything it tells you. I mean it. If you need me to tell you I love you, I will. If you need me to tell you how beautiful and sweet you are, Iâll do that too, and happily. Because I want to help you. Itâs not like I can spare you from those thoughtsâbelieve me, I wouldâve if there were a way. The least I can do is make you realize that voice in your head isnât always right.â
Some things cannot be put into words, and you simply have to act in their name. You kiss him, your arms finding their way around his neck, pulling him as close as possible as you smile against his lips, trying not to generate any pressure where heâs hurt as you say, âShit, I love you so much.â
Itâs incredible how one can transition from immense sadness to something that must closely resemble the deepest tranquility ever known to humankind. He holds your face between his hands, his thumbs caressing your cheeks with such fondness it could make you sick. You donât know how someone can look so happy and so overwhelmed at once. âSay that again.â
âI love you.â
âAgain. Please.â
You kiss him between each word, letting them stretch longer and deeper until your mouths canât bear to part. âI. Love. You.â
He tilts your face toward his, his hand cradling the back of your head as if heâs afraid youâll float away. âPlease tell me your brainâs not saying anything right now.â
âItâs been surprisingly quiet.â
âThen letâs keep it that way.â
You make a strangled noise as the kiss turns fierce, not knowing exactly where to put your hands. Thereâs so much you want to do, so much of him you want to touch and skin to trace with your fingers. That simmering desire had grown between you both, never quite breaking through the surface. Not because you didnât one want it, but because you'd asked him to hold back.
Remember that tiny voice in your brain? The mean one? That one had told you several times that you had to wait a certain amount of time before sleeping with him. Because if you didnât, if you got too close too soon, he might realize he wasnât into you. Physically speaking. And you had done just that: waited.
But now, all patience shatters. Thereâs no room for cautious stretching of things anymore, not when the man you love, the one youâve been pining for months, stands before you
He doesnât get the hint when you kiss back or when your teeth nip at the skin of his throat, not until you take his hands, which are resting politely on your lower back, and push them lower, guiding them up to cup your ass through the layers of clothing.
You hear the way he breathes out, a grunt caught somewhere between surprise and shock, as you shift even closer and speak softly over his lips. âI want to do it. Tonight.â
âAre you sure? Because we could totallyââ
âClark, stop being such a gentleman.â You tug him toward the couch and fall back onto it, kicking your shoes off without grace or ceremony, your heart gallops with anticipation as you stretch out, swallowing hard.âIâd like you to touch me, then Iâd like to return the favor, and then I want you to fuck me. In that specific order,â you admit. So as not to lose the habit, you whisper the word that never fails to soften his expression: âPlease.â
You notice the impressive bulge straining at the front of his suit, and he nods his head in earnest, one of his large hands pushing your thighs open. âYeah. I can do that.â
âWell, that depends,â he replies, lifting his head and meeting your wanting gaze. âDoes itâturn you on?â
A low fire spirals in the pit of your stomach, your chest heaving with a shaky inhale. âItâs certainly doing the job.â
âSo first you write about Superman like a professional journalistâŠâ he trails off, his palm smoothing his palm over your stomach to undo the button of your jeans with ease, lowering the zipper of your jeans millimeter by millimeter, â... and now you get wet for him?â
Wiggling your hips to help him peel off your pants more easily, you gape at the ceiling momentarily. âIâm sorry. Do my inappropriate thoughts bother him?â
âI actually believe heâd very pleased, to be fair,â he murmurs, settling on the couch beside you. His hand returns, slower this time, tracing over the cotton that clings to your heat. âYou see, heâs a simple man. Safe to say heâd really like you.â
Clark teases his thumb to your clit through the cotton and your back arches from the couch. âClark, Iââ
âIâll go slow.â He presses his lips against yours briefly, running the length of his nose along yours, your skin buzzing where it brushes his. âDo you trust me?â You nod, unable to speak, struggling to keep your eyes open. He presses against you again, this time with purpose. Slow, deliberate circles over your clit, his free hand curling around your waist to keep you steady as you writhe beneath him, holding you down to the earth. âThen relax. Iâve got you.â
You werenât a virgin, but heâs making you feel like one. Or maybe something even more tender than that, like youâre being touched properly for the first time in your life. Every graze of his fingers sends heat crawling under your skin, his ministrations alone having you whimpering into his neck, tugging at his hair.
âTake them off,â you beg, your hips bucking up to meet him, chasing his hand every time he attempts to pull away, needing more. Itâs more of an instinct at this point.
He doesnât make you ask twice, your underwear being gone in a flash and ending up dangling from one foot. He parts your folds, and you see his eyes darken with unfiltered awe, staring for a beat longer than expected. âJesus,â he mutters, almost to himself. âYouâre gorgeous
Clark spreads your slick across your swollen flesh, his long fingers reverent in their exploration, never faltering. When he circles your clit again, raw and bare now, you jolt, the pleasure pulsing bright and fast, like youâre going to blow up at any given moment.
He seems to enjoy watching you squirm, listening to the whimpers torn from your throat. âYouâve got no idea how hot you look right now,â he pants beside your ear, voice ragged and affected by the noises he keeps pulling out of you. His own hips grind lazily against your thigh, the pressure of his cock unmistakable, rock hard behind the fabric. âI want to see you come.â
âJustâkeep doing whatever youâre doing,â you gasp, clinging to his arm and biting back a moan when he kisses you languidly. A new wave of warmth runs under your skin, and you swear you can feel your blood rushing south. âClark, Iâmâdonât you dare stop.â
Your words spur him on, and he tightens the circles, faster now, his other hand closing around your inner thigh for leverage. That ache in your belly sharpens to a desperate pressure, and your whole body looms into him as if drawn to gravity itself.
âOh my GodâClarkââ You grip his shoulder, nails scrapping against the harsh material of his suit. Itâs too much and not enough, and every time he flicks just right, youâre launched impossibly higher. Youâre a panting mess, legs starting to tremble as pleasure coils tight in your gut.
âCome on, youâre almost there,â he encourages you, kissing your sweaty forehead. âYouâre doing so good. Let go, baby.â
You break. It starts at your core, deep and volcanic, spreading like a spark catching on dry leaves. Your thighs clamp around his hand, head thrown back as the orgasm ripples through you, crying out his name with a sound borderline raw and unrestrained. He doesn't stop until your hips stop jerking and your back settles against the couch again, twitching with aftershocks.
Youâre left gasping, eyes blurry, vision haloed in white. âIââ you try to speak, but your voice fails, coming out broken. Instead, you let out a sigh. âJesus.â
He presses a kiss to your shoulder, then slowly works his way up to your mouth. âI came as well. Mentally.â
A disbelieving laugh bubbles out of you, and you swat at his face, covering your eyes with your forearm. Youâre about to sit until you feel his breath ghost across your belly, shoving your shirt further up. You rake your hand through his fringe, brushing it back, hissing when his lips graze the patch of skin just above your clit. âAre youââ
âItâd be stupid not to take the opportunity.â He finds your legs and places them over his shoulders, effortlessly dragging your body to the edge of the couch, kneeling by the carpet and between your thighs, his large hands framing your hips.
Clark licks a broad stripe up your folds, collecting your arousal on his tongue, and you cry out, shoulders slumping forward from the overstimulation, still sensitive from your first orgasm. Yet he peers up at you with feigned innocence, kneading the flesh of your thighs. âI can stop if you want me to,â he says, a husky edge to his usual tone.
âDonât want you to,â you purr, guiding his mouth to where you need him the most. âMake me feel good.â
Devotedly, devastatingly even, he takes your words to heart, lapping at your clit with careful, coaxing pressure, sometimes flicking with the pointed tip of his tongue, sometimes flattening it to trace languid strokes. He groans at the taste of you, sinking a finger into your heat and making you clench instinctively around the intrusion.
âItâs tight in here,â he ponders aloud, not sparing you a single glance, much more preoccupied with the way youâre squeezing him. âWeâll have to see if Iâll fit.â
You mean to laugh, but it comes out as more of a sob the moment he adds another finger to the equation, and you can hear every single squelching sound your cunt makes in response to his movements.
âGod, it feelsââ Your voice cracks as his lips seal over your clit again, drawing firm circles around it, the pacing of his digits inside you forcing you to alternate your attention. âSo good, Clark. Youâre being so good to me.â
Itâs not that youâre just saying these things out of pocket. Youâve noticed he likes it, likes being praised. Not only in this context, where he has his head buried between your legs, but it usually happened whenever he did something right, and you would be there, praising him, telling him heâd done a great job.
His pupils would dilate a little, and heâd always shut you up with a kiss, but he canât right now. He seems to be destined to hear and acknowledge your words, nearly rutting into the edge of the couch the more you say. His desperation sets something alight in you, and it only makes you want to explore that side of him even more.
âIf you make me come again, Iâll suck your cock,â you mumble, dragging your nails lightly along his scalp. You donât miss how his shoulders stiffen through the suit, and he pushes his face deeper into your core. âI canât wait to have you in my mouth,â you add, smiling through the haze.
âWhatâs got you this chatty, huh?â He pumps his fingers deeper, faster, a relentless rhythm designed to shatter your composure. His teeth scrape along the inside of your right thigh, seemingly enjoying the noise that reverberates in your chest as he bites gently on it. âYou have Superman right here with you and all you do is talk.â
Three of Clarkâs fingers stretch you out and you canât no longer think straight. Neither can you breathe, having utterly forgotten how consonants and vowels combine to form words.
This, it seems, is precisely what he intended: to have you reduced to a writhing, desperate mess that canât stop mewling his name over and over. The questions, the teasing, all of it is obliterated by the rising tide of pure sensation as your world narrows to his touch and everything it means.
When you tell him youâre close, the ache coiling tight in your belly for the second time in the night, every nerve in your body lights up. Heâs a man on a quest, who whimpers in unison with you the more your breath staggers.
He asks you to come on his tongue, because he wants to know exactly what it tastes like. Because he simply must. Heâs been fantasizing about this, he confesses, about touching himself thinking of you, about how soft your skin looked in your work clothes, aboutâ
Your orgasm tears through you, fast and overwhelming, and you cling to his shoulders, riding out the tremors. His fingers remain deep inside you, and he curves them to hit that sweet spot one last time before you tell him itâs too much. His hair is mussed where your fingers yanked it, his chin glistening with your essence, and you tug him closer to kiss him, tasting yourself in the aftermath.
Somehow, without even breaking the kiss, he manages to peel the suit from his body, letting it fall in a heap beside your shoes on the floor. All thatâs left is the snug fabric of his underwear, and the sight of him nearly steals the breath from your lungs.
You trail a hand down his abdomen, fingertips brushing along the faint trail of hair beneath his navel until they meet the solid outline of his cock. You palm him softly through the fabric, feeling the twitch of need under your touch.
Now that heâs bare before you, no more slouchy coats hiding him away, you take in the rest of him. The defined lines of his chest, the softness at his waist, the tension coiled in his thighs. It takes everything in you not to outright stare, not to drool, although your mouth waters anyway.
By the time heâs lying back on the couch, youâve taken his place, kneeling between his legs. He laces his fingers behind his head, muscles taut like heâs trying to anchor himself there, to stop his hips from jerking up on instinct.
You start slow, teasing. Your fingers wrap around his shaft, stroking him lazily as your lips press hot kisses to the tip. You circle your tongue around it, dipping into the slit just to hear what kind of sound you can pull from him.
He exhales like heâs in pain. Beautiful, tortured pain. You hesitate for a split second, uncertainâwas that too much?
âDo it again,â he breathes, voice wrecked, his chest rising in uneven pulls of air. âPlease⊠thatâJesus, that feels really good.â
And you want to please him. You want to give him everything, so you do it again.
The head disappears past your lips. He groans as you sink down a few inches, his hips tensing immediately, and you hum in satisfaction at the sharp hiss he lets slip. You take more of him, then a little bit more, until youâre jerking the rest of him off with your hand, saliva slicking your chin, your throat fluttering and eyes stinging every time he brushes the back of it.
Swallowing around him, your nails scratch the line of dark hair that leads below his navel. Thereâs nothing delicate about this. Not right now, not when heâs chanting your name like a prayer, not when youâre dizzy from the taste of him. His breathy moans echo in your ears, more intoxicating than anything else youâve ever heard.
At some point, you glance up, and the eye contact nearly undoes you. Clark looks ruined, entirely entranced. His brow is furrowed tight, a deep crease between his eyes that mightâve read as frustration if you didnât know better.
To some stranger, he might even appear to be angry. His jaw is clenched, lips parted as if heâs struggling to form coherent thoughts. His hips tremble under your palms, twitching like every nerve in his body is firing at once. Heâs holding himself still with impossible effort, his thighs taut, hands clawed into the couch cushions to stop from thrusting up into your mouth.
âPerhapsââ His voice is hoarse, and he swallows hard. âPerhaps we should stop.â
You slow your pace but donât let go.
âI donât want to finish yet,â he groans, neck strained, his composure cracking under the tension. âNot this fast. I want to last. I wantââ He cuts himself off with a hiss when you press a wet kiss to the flushed head again, pulling back the foreskin. âGod, I just want more time with you like this.
You keep your hand wrapped around him, dragging your palm slow and tight from base to tip, letting your thumb swirl over the sensitive slit. His hips twitch again, betraying how close he really is.
âBut canât Superman come twice?â you ask, tilting your head to the side. He blinks, dazed, not fully registering the meaning of your words at first. You give him another firm stroke and watch his brows knit in pleasure. âItâs been a hard day.â
âBaby, I swearââ
âDidnât you save an entire hospital tonight?â you whisper, leaning in to mouth at his hipbone. âKept it from collapsing?â
âYeah,â he grunts. âYeah, Iâyes.â
âThen you deserve it.â
âBut twice?â
âYou heard it right. Once in my mouth, just like this, and then again inside me.â
Clark makes a sound thatâs somewhere between a gasp and a whimper. His arms collapse from behind his head, hands flying to his face, shielding himself from how hard words just hit him.
âOh my God,â he mumbles, palms pressed to his eyes. âYou canât say things like that.â
âWhy not?â you inquire, jerking him a little faster now. âYouâre blushing.â
âIâm notââ he lies, breath catching when your lips part around his cock once again, still not getting used to the feeling. âI justâIâm so close.â
One of his hands finds your hair, smoothing it back from your face with a gentleness that makes your heart ache. He cups the back of your head as if heâs holding something sacred, brushing his thumb along your temple as his other hand clenches the couch cushion.
âYouâre unreal,â he murmurs, eyes locked on your movements, still stroking your hair. âYou donâtâyou donât even know what you do to me. Youâre gonna be the death of me.â
Your hand tightens around his base just a little, urging him closer to the edge. He grits his teeth, unable to hold on any longer.
âIâm sorryâbe careful, Iâm gonnaââ
He empties his load into your mouth, hips stuttering in jerky thrusts. His entire body tenses beneath you, trembling as the pleasure crashes through him, head tipped back against the couch. Clark comes for what feels like ages, pulse after pulse of heavy release filling your mouth, and you take it all, letting the salty taste land on your tongue and flood your senses.
Shortly after, everything moves in a blur. Clark insists that the couch isnât ideal for whatâs about to happen. Something about angles, support, long-term consequences for your spine. You, naturally, insist youâre perfectly fine where you are.
In the end, the one with super strength settles the debate. Which is to say: he wins. He lifts you effortlessly into his arms and carries you to the bedroom like itâs the most obvious solution. The couch had been fine. Serviceable, even, but it was time for an upgrade.
Now, sprawled across your bed, you kiss beneath the warm press of blankets. Pre-cum smears over your stomach, leaking from him in needy dribbles as he hovers above you, holding his weight on his forearms, cradling your face between his hands.
His voice is low. âJust to be clear. Weâre not using aâŠ?â
âCondom?â
He nods, cheeks flushed. âYeah.â
âI told you you could come inside me.â
That stuns him into silence. âAre you sure? Want me toâgo buy some?â he manages, faltering a little.
âSome?â you echo, amused. Your gaze dips down his body, landing on the leaking head of his cock, his hips twitching as if straining to stay still. âIâm on birth control,â you murmur.
He blinks, his Adamâs apple bobbing. You can almost hear the gears in his head grinding, trying to decide whether or not youâre serious.
âI mean it. It wasnât for sexual purposes in the beginning. Iâve been on the pill for years. But if it makes you uncomfortableââ
âWhat exactly makes you think I donât want this?â
âSay that to your face. Youâre looking at me like I just proposed a blood pact.â
Huffing a breath, he pulls back enough to meet your eyes. âSo⊠weâre doing it. Like this.â
âYes.â
âBare.â
âWould you like to see my birth certificate?â
He lets out a strangled laugh, one hand sliding down to part you gently. His fingers glide through your folds, collecting your slick to lube himself up. Just as heâs about to wretch your entrance, he pauses, brows drawn tight. âReady?â
âIâve been ready since we left the couch.â
âYou canât be joking when Iâm this close to being inside you.â
âClark,â you plead, lifting your hips. âPlease, justââ
He pushes in.
At first, itâs just the tip. The stretch is instant, unavoidable, and you throw your head back, nearly knocking into the headboard.
âEasy,â he grits out. âBe careful.â His thighs tremble where they cage you in, and he slides in another inch, groaning through clenched teeth.
âTh-thatâsâfuckââ Your mouth hangs agape briefly before you shut it again. You canât even think, eyes landing on where your bodies meet, and his whole frame looks huge on top of you, the sight alone making you whimper. âClark, pleaseââ
âWait.â He stills, tearing his gaze away from you, squeezing his eyes shut. âI need a second.â
âWant me to kiss you?â
He lifts his head slightly. âAre you the devil?â
You bite your lip, fingers digging into the muscles of his lower back. âWhat are you doing? Counting?â
âTo a million.â He buries his face in your neck, forehead damp against your skin, feeding the rest of himself into you in shallow thrusts, and the final stretch burns as he bottoms out. âYouâre impossible sometimes,â he growls against your skin, groaning as you clench around him. âJesus, youâre still so tight. I donât evenâI donât know how to move.â
A desperate sound slips from your lips when his mouth brushes behind your ear. His hand strokes up your thigh, bending you slightly beneath him, folding you open. âYouâre so big.â
His arm trembles beside your head. A bead of sweat trails down his temple as you comb your fingers into his hair. âDonât say that,â he pants.
âWhy not?â
âBecauseââ he pulls back, just the head left inside, ââyouâre playing with fire.â And then he slams his hips forward, hard, drawing a strangled cry from your throat. âI usually like how you always have something to say, but right now? I just want to fuck you. If thatâs okay with you.â
Itâs official: your long, unplanned celibacy ends here. Courtesy of Superman himself.
As if heâs learning you by heart, each thrust is measured and unhurried, his hips rolling into yours with a careful intent and setting their own tempo, savoring the way your bodies fit, the subtle give and take of your curves.
Your breath hitches when he finds it: that angle, that precise, exquisite spot inside you, and your legs instinctively tighten around his waist in response. A groan slips from him when your walls flutter around him in gratitude.
He starts to unravel. His body writhes against yours with an instinct he hadnât dared show before now, his muscles working as he moves deeper, hungrier, shedding the last vestiges of his gentle restraint. You press your chest to his, fingers splayed across the flex of his back, memorizing the slope of his spine, the tremble in his arms as he struggles to hold himself back. Every sound he makes, every choked whimper, every whine he later tries to mask, you trap in your memory like precious treasure.
The moment he buries himself to the hilt, you swear youâre going to snap in half. The fullness is dizzying, and you cry out his name in a quiet plea. His lips graze your cheek, his hand smoothing your hair as he whispers something you canât quite catch, lost in the roar of blood in your ears.
Itâs not rushed at all. Heâs learning you second by second, mapping your responses, and each time he shifts the angle or tilts your pelvis just so, it steals another moan from you. He knows now. Where to press, where to grind, where to thrust until your feet curl and your throat aches from trying to hold in the sounds.
âClark,â you mewl, voice torn and trembling. A strand of his hair, dark and damp, sticks to the shell of your ear. He shifts to kiss you there and then stills, forehead resting against yours.
âI thought Iâd lost you,â he chokes out, the words raw and fragile in comparison to your heated skin.
The confession pierces you with more precision than anything else tonight. Your body is still pulsing around him, hips still twitching and asking for more, but your heart stutters, aching with sudden clarity.
You donât know if he means that night you stopped talking, the agonizing silence between you. If he means the days you went quiet and he watched from afar. You cradle his face in both hands, your thumbs tracing the sharp lines of his cheekbones, forcing him to peer down at you. His pupils are blown, his mouth swollen from all the kissing, and you feel a pang in your chest because heâs never looked so vulnerably human.
âYou didnât. Iâm right here. Iâm not going anywhere.â
His throat bobs, and pushes in again, quivering, a silent affirmation of your words.
Itâs like something breaks open inside him. The last of his control gives way.
His thrusts get rougher, more insistent, his mouth finding yours mid-moan, and you kiss him through the frantic rhythm, through the way his hand slides between your sticky bodies to circle your clit, hoping to make you fall apart. He needs thisâneeds you to come around him, to feel you clench and call his name and prove to him youâre his. That you chose him. That youâre still here. That you're real.
Youâre close. So close that the precipice looms. âDonât stop,â you gasp, clawing at his shoulders, needing something to hold onto.
âI wonât. I wonâtââ His groan catches in his throat, escaping as a raw whisper. âYou feel so good. Youâre perfect. Canât believe youâre letting me do this to you.â
The pressure builds so fast it becomes borderline unbearable. Heat coils in your belly, every muscle taut as a bowstring, straining toward release.
âIâClarkâIââ Your body arches, back lifting off the bed.
âCome on,â he begs, short of breath, his hips grinding relentlessly. âCome for me. I want to feel you.â
And when it hits, it crashes. Your orgasm blindsides you, flashing behind your eyelids, and your mouth falls open in a silent scream, body trembling violently under him as incandescent pleasure tears through you like a searing current. Your walls spasm around him, squeezing, and he cries out a primal sound of absolute abandon before surging forward with a final thrust and spurting his release inside you.
Itâs messy. Itâs beautiful and overwhelming and glorious.
He collapses, half on top of you, still deeply buried, his body spamming in unison with yours. Youâre both left shaking and sweating, but in the most magnificent way.
Clark plants a series of tender kisses to the valley between your breasts, the soft underside of your jaw, the corner of your mouth. âI didnât know it could feel like this,â he murmurs, awe coloring every syllable.
You press your nose to his hairline, drawing in the scent of him. âMe neither,â you reply, contentment curling in your chest.
He simply stays there, wrapped around you, his weight a comforting anchor. The moment stretches and neither of you dares speak too loud for a while. Itâs the kind of silence that means everything.
Eventually, he lifts his head just enough to meet your gaze. His lashes are damp, a quiet sigh leaving him, and with an almost reluctant pull, he finally shifts, easing himself out of you. The sudden emptiness is palpable, an ache that makes you want to reach for him again, but heâs already moving, surprisingly graceful as he rises. He glances around your bedroom, then towards the bathroom.
âWant me to get a towel?â he asks, gesturing vaguely between your legs. âA wet one, ideally.â
You blink, chest lifting with a giggle. âOh, right. Yeah, bathroom cabinet, bottom shelf.â You watch him disappear, the absurdity of the moment deeply endearing. He emerges a moment later, a small hand towel clutched in his fist, already damp, and he kneels back between your legs, cleaning you.
The warm cloth against your skin sends a fresh shiver through you, but itâs his focused, unselfconscious tenderness that melts your insides. He looks up, an apologetic grimace on his face. âI just realized I donât exactly have a change of clothes on me.â
You trace his jaw, the curve of his ear. âWell, I mean,â you muse, a playful smirk tugging at your lips, âwe could always see how you look in my pajamas. Iâm sure my oversized college sweatshirt would be⊠form-fitting.â
âI don't think youâre ready for that sight.â He pats your inner thigh, then rises, tossing it to the side. âCome on. Letâs get into bed.â
You slide under the blankets, the silk against your bare skin a welcoming sensation. He joins you immediately, the mattress dipping under his weight, and pulls you close, your bodies spooning, limbs tangling. His arm finds its way around your waist, his hand splayed flat against your stomach. Your fingers twine with his, and your leg hooks over his, pressing your hip to his.
Thereâs a moment in which you turn your head on the pillow, meeting his eyes in the dim light. He now lies on his side, facing you, one hand tucked beneath his head.
âI love you,â you say again, the words unbidden.
A smile spreads across his face, lighting up his tired eyes. He pulls you impossibly closer, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead, then looks down at you. âYou know those people who use songs as their alarm?â
âWhat does that have to do with what I just said?â
âThey say you should always choose a song youâll never get tired of. I donât think Iâll ever get tired of hearing you say those words.â
âThat⊠was a weird route to get there.â
He kisses the tip of your nose, lingering on your lips shortly after. âIâm just saying. You could say it every day. Every hour. And Iâd never get sick of it.â His thumb strokes your hand and you melt into him, every molecule of your being sighing in tranquility. âBy the way,â he says, his tone sounding hesitant, âI told my parents about you.â
You pull back, just slightly, enough to stare up at him, your eyebrows shooting to your hairline. âWait. What?â
âIt was like a week ago.â
âWe werenât even speaking.â
He lets out a small, sheepish chuckle. âI know. But I still thought about you all the time. My mom scolded me through the phone for not telling you the truth sooner.â His nose crinkles, probably remembering the call. âThey said theyâd really like to meet you someday.â
âSo, our first trip together is going to be⊠Kansas?â
âSmallville,â he corrects proudly. âWhat can I say? Iâm a traditional guy.â
âWell, to be a âtraditional guy,â you havenât even asked me to be your girlfriend yet.â
âOh. Right. I guess Iââ
âAre you going to?â
âIâwould you want to?â
You laugh, pulling him into a kiss. âYouâre such a dork.â
When you break apart, heâs smilingâreally smiling, the kind that lights up his whole face and carves deep dimples into his cheeks.
âSo is that a yes?â
âYes, Clark. Iâll be your girlfriend.â
âOkay. Good. Because Iâm already very emotionally invested.â
At that moment, you snort into his chest. Sleep begins to pull at your limbs, heavy and soft, and your eyes flutter closed without resistance. His arms tucks your head beneath his chin, his breath steady against your hair, and for the first time in what feels like forever, your mind is quiet. No anxious spirals. No fear of him vanishing now that youâve let your guard down. Just stillness.
Maybe itâs true, what the wise ones say: youâre never too much in the hands of the right person.
If you want me to tag you in the last part, let me know :) (And if I tag you in this part, let me know if you want me to tag you in the other one too).
Invisible - Part 1
Clark Kent x female reader
Synopsis: Weeks pass as you distance yourself from Clark Kent, convinced he never truly sees you. But when Perry assigns you to guide Adam Hall, a charming journalist from London, Clark starts noticing things he had never dared to admitâespecially the way you smile at someone else the way you once smiled at him.
Warnings: angst, jealousy, reader distancing, mention of self-esteem issues, workplace tension, introduction of third party (mild love triangle vibes)
WC: 5,300 words approx.
ââââ ââŠââŠâ ââââ
Thus the days passed, then weeks. You found yourself ignoring Clark with a painful but necessary discipline. You learned not to look at his gestures, not to expect smiles, not to imagine attentions that would never come. You had always been the observer, and now you decided to give that up too: a rest for your heart after so many accumulated disappointments in life.
You sank into a simple routine: arrive at work, do your duty, and go straight home. You allowed yourself a smile with Jimmy, a conversation with Lois âwho, surprisingly, helped you get passes to exclusive restaurantsâ, but nothing more. You understood that your world should not revolve around someone who did not revolve around you.
âTo my office,â ordered Perry, pointing at you from the doorway.
You looked at him with tiredness. Autumn had left with Halloween, and now Christmas decorations hung from the walls with twinkling lights. For some reason, they seemed less cruel. You stood up and followed him.
âAre you going to fire me?â you asked, half-joking, half-serious.
Perry let out a deep laugh.
âYouâre the only one who manages to make me laugh,â he said sarcastically.
You smiled with slight relief, until he raised a finger asking for patience.
âGive me a second.â He picked up the phone. âKaren, put him through.â
He set the receiver down and turned back to you with seriousness.
âYour restaurant reviews have been excellent. So much so that the Metropolitan Gazette of London wants to collaborate with us. They want to cover Metropolisâs gastronomic side, to show the cultural diversity here, âthe Babel Corridor.ââ
Your eyes widened.
âThe Gazette?â you asked, almost breathless. âThatâs⊠impossible. The mixed-restaurant district is chaos. There are too many.â
âI know,â said Perry, raising his eyebrows. âYouâre not going to cover them one by one. In fact, itâs not for you to investigate them, but because you yourself will be the one interviewed.â
Your surprise barely had time to settle when the door opened.
âThere you are, boy!â exclaimed Perry with enthusiasm, rising from his chair. You turned, and your breath caught in your chest.
A man with green eyes and light blond hair stood in front of you, wearing a cordial smile and an outstretched hand.
âSheâs the one I was telling you about,â Perry explained, introducing you with evident pride. âSheâs excellent.â
âAdam Hall, food reporter for the Gazette of London,â the blond man introduced himself, shaking your hand with firmness and contagious warmth.
âNice to meet you,â you murmured, still confused, glancing at Perry as if waiting for clarification.
The editor adjusted his glasses and explained:
âAdam will stay for a week. Enough to write a feature on Metropolisâs Babel Corridor. Weâll have a section in London to show how diverse our city is. I want you to be his guide. Heâll interview you, and it will be a formal collaboration. Can I trust you?â
You took a deep breath, swallowed your initial doubt, and finally nodded with determination.
âOf course, of course I can.â
Adam smiled with satisfaction, releasing your hand with an elegant gesture.
âIâm sure it will be a fantastic experience.â
Perry smiled, pleased, and slapped the desk with his palm.
âThen Iâll leave it in your hands. Go ahead.â
Adam nodded. You did too. And, for the first time in weeks, you felt that something in your life was opening up to a new path that had nothing to do with Clark Kent.
You left Perryâs office and were still trying to process what had happened. Adam walked beside you with an enchanting natural ease, carrying his notebook and with a calm smile on his face. He was a stranger in Metropolis, but he seemed to fit in like a fish in water.
The newsroom was in its usual bustle: phones ringing, reporters arguing over headlines, keyboards clattering like an army. Jimmy was the first to lift his head from his desk when he saw you approaching.
âHey!â he greeted with that smile that always seemed a little mischievous. âAnd who are you? A new Planet recruit?â
You stepped forward.
âJimmy, this is Adam Hall, food reporter for the Gazette of London. Weâre going to collaborate with them.â
Adam extended his hand with a friendly gesture.
âA pleasure, Jimmy. Iâve heard a lot about the Daily Planetâs photography section.â
Jimmyâs eyes lit up.
âReally?â he asked, shaking his hand with enthusiasm. âWell, well⊠I suppose it was about time someone over in London recognized my talent.â
âOf course,â Adam laughed, playing along with ease.
Lois appeared behind, adjusting her jacket while organizing some papers.
âWhatâs all the fuss about here?â she asked, looking up.
âLois, this is Adam Hall,â you said calmly, careful to sound confident. âHeâs from the Gazette of London for a feature on Metropolisâs Babel Corridor.â
Lois raised her eyebrows, surprised, and immediately smiled with that natural confidence that characterized her.
âWow, London.â She shook his hand firmly. âWelcome to the chaos of the loudest city on the planet. I hope youâre ready.â
Adam let out a soft laugh.
âI have the best guide, so I think Iâll survive.â
Lois looked at you and nodded with complicity.
âOf course. She knows every corner.â
Jimmy clicked his tongue in mock annoyance.
âI knew sheâd end up going international.â
Adam smiled.
âWell, I hope youâll show me your favorite places. Nothing better than someone who knows the city from the inside.â
You nodded, gathering your things.
âYes, weâll start today. Perry wants to make the most of the week.â
Lois tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and joked:
âYouâll see, Adam, this girl has a better eye for restaurants than Perry himself does for headlines.â
Jimmy chuckled softly, amused by Loisâs comment, and you only shook your head, blushing against your will.
For a second, you felt that strange sensation: the certainty that someone was watching you. You turned slowly, and there was Clark, sitting at his desk. He pretended to look through a pile of papers, but his blue eyes drifted again and again toward the group.
Your chest tightened. Was he looking at you? The thought lasted only a moment before dissipating. No⊠of course not. Lois, with her light laugh, was joking with Adam as if theyâd known each other forever. And Clark⊠Clark was watching that. You knew it. It made sense: his attention always ended up on Lois.
You looked away immediately, your heart weighing like stone. You repeated the same thing you had in recent days: he doesnât care what I do. Even if I went away with Adam to the ends of the earth, he wouldnât even notice.
âShall we go?â asked Adam, adjusting the notebook against his chest with that polite smile that looked like it came straight out of a magazine.
âYes, of course,â you replied firmly, hiding any trace of what was happening inside you.
You didnât say anything else. You simply invited him with a gesture to follow you. Jimmy raised his eyebrows, amused, as if he wanted to throw a joke at you, but you preferred to ignore him. Lois gave you an encouraging smile, and Clark⊠well, Clark said nothing.
Only when you passed near his desk did you dare to lift your gaze. He lowered his eyes back to his papers far too quickly.
That was enough to confirm it in your mind: it wasnât you he was watching. It was Lois, it was always Lois.
You quickened your pace, the echo of your heels ringing loudly on the floor as you walked toward the exit with Adam at your side.
What you didnât see was Clarkâs expression in that instant. He followed you with his eyes until you crossed the door, and then his chest tightened with a pang he couldnât conceal. He tried to go back to his papers, but the letters danced, impossible to read. The pen between his fingers finally snapped with a sharp crack; he didnât realize it until he saw it broken in his hand.
âWhy does it hurt so much?â he thought, clenching his jaw. He had convinced himself that Lois was impossible to ignore. But now, with Adam by your side, the image that haunted him wasnât Lois laughing in the room, but you walking away without looking back.
And then the thought he had avoided for so long appeared with brutal clarity: âWhat if it was always you?â
He leaned back in his chair, squeezing his eyes shut. The murmur of Lois talking with Jimmy reached him distantly, like background noise. It no longer filled him the way it used to. It no longer distracted him.
The ground was covered with uneven cobblestones, and the hanging lights between poles gave the place a cozy atmosphere even in broad daylight. People came and went with bags of food, children running between outdoor tables, and a constant buzz that, far from chaotic, felt like the heartbeat of the city.
âThis is incredible,â said Adam as he wrote in his leather notebook, his green eyes shining with excitement. âIn London we have cultural zones, but here⊠itâs like the whole world decided to sit at the same table.â
You smiled, a little surprised by the way he described it.
âYes. Thatâs why they call it the Babel Corridor. Each shop is a different voice, and if you listen closely, they all end up telling the same story: that of a city that never stops welcoming someone new.â
Adam looked at you with interest, leaning toward you.
âThat sentence should go in my report. Do you mind if I use it?â
âGo ahead,â you replied with a small laugh, surprised that your words could matter so much.
As you walked among the shops, some owners greeted you from afar, recognizing you from your reviews. Adam kept watching how people treated you: a gesture of respect, a âgood to see you again,â a âthanks for what you wrote.â
âSeems like youâre quite loved here,â Adam commented, with a tone almost of admiration.
You lowered your gaze with a shy smile.
âI guess at least they know I talk about them sincerely. It always happens here,â you explained. âOne step and you smell curry. Three more steps and youâre already catching the aroma of Argentine empanadas. People say itâs confusing, but in reality itâs a mosaic.â
Adam took notes quickly.
In every restaurant, even if you didnât go in, Adam asked for your opinion. Not just about the food, but about the story behind each place. âWhy do you think people keep coming back here?â or âWhich dish seems the most authentic to you?â And you answered naturally, forgetting your insecurities for a moment.
âTell me,â he insisted, pulling out his recorder, âif you had to choose just one restaurant in this whole place, only one, which would it be?â
You thought for a moment, enjoying the game.
âThe Lebanese one on the corner,â you finally said. âIt doesnât have the fanciest menu or the prettiest place, but they make the best pita bread in the city. Warm, soft⊠like it was hugging you.â
Adam chuckled softly, writing quickly.
âGod, even I want to try it right now.â
Adam closed his notebook for a moment and breathed in the air, heavy with aromas.
âDefinitely, this place has a soul,â he said, as if searching for words that could capture it in a headline.
âI think so,â you replied softly, looking around. The steam rising from a ramen stall mixed with the smoke from an Argentine grill, and people passed between both as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
Adam leaned closer to you, curious.
âIs it always this crowded?â
âMore in winter,â you explained. âPeople look for hot food, something that reminds them of home. Here itâs easy to find it, no matter where you come from.â
Adam smiled, lowering his eyes to his recorder.
âYou also talk as if you were writing,â he said, almost amused.
You let out a small laugh.
âHabit.â
The afternoon slipped away almost without you noticing. You only managed to walk through the Babel Corridor in a general way: a quick glance at the shops, notes on the fly, promises to come back calmly. Adam insisted that the best thing would be to start tasting the next day, with the restaurants you recommended as essential.
âThatâs how we do it in London,â he explained, closing his notebook with a soft snap. âBut I admit that here I need an expert guide, and I already have one.â
At the end, he walked you to your apartment. At the door he stopped, with that kind smile that seemed permanent.
âThanks for today. Really. This has been one of the most inspiring walks Iâve had.â
You didnât know what to say; you just nodded, a little awkward.
âTomorrow will be better,â you managed to say, and he tilted his head conspiratorially before saying goodbye.
The next morning, the office was livelier than usual. The murmur of keyboards, phones, and footsteps mixed with the smell of fresh coffee. Adam was with you, showing some of his notes. Lois and Jimmy didnât take long to come over, curiosity shining on their faces.
âLet me see,â said Jimmy, almost snatching the notebook from your hands. âI want to go with you.â
âJimmy, please,â you said, rolling your eyes. âYouâre only going to be a nuisance.â
âAn adorable nuisance,â he replied, pulling out his camera with an exaggerated gesture. âBesides, I can take the best pictures for your article, Adam.â
Everyone laughed, even you. Your laugh came out louder than you were used to, free, clear.
âGod! Even I want to try it right now,â exclaimed Lois, amused, after reading one of Adamâs descriptions.
Adam raised his eyebrows, playful.
âIf you come, I promise to save you the best seat.â
âI accept,â Lois replied, high-fiving Jimmy.
Your laugh sounded again, joining the scene, while you shook your head. You didnât notice at first the fixed gaze from the other side of the bullpen. Clark had lifted his eyes from his papers and stayed still, surprised. He had never heard your laugh so loud, so sincere. Something inside him tightened, as if he had discovered a secret he was never meant to access.
Adam flipped through his notebook when Lois, with her natural commanding style, pointed her hand toward the nearby desk.
âClark, come here. I want to introduce you to someone,â she said energetically.
Clark stood up slowly, adjusting his glasses with that nervous gesture that always accompanied him, and walked toward the group.
âThis is Adam Hall, reporter from the London Gazette,â Lois explained with a confident smile. âHeâll be with us for a week to do a food feature.â
Adam immediately extended his hand, cordial and firm.
âA pleasure to finally meet you, Clark Kent.â
Clark shook it kindly, though his smile seemed to hide something else behind that polite façade.
âWelcome to the Planet. I hope the chaos doesnât overwhelm you too much.â
Adam laughed softly.
âAfter yesterday at the Babel Corridor, I think nothing will surprise me.â
Jimmy, who had been watching everything with that mischievous spark in his eyes, seized the moment to intervene:
âHey, Clark, you should come with us. Itâd be great to have your opinion.â
Clark hesitated for a second, looking toward you as if waiting for your reaction. But you said nothing. You kept yourself busy reviewing Adamâs notebook, as if he werenât there.
Lois crossed her arms, as if expecting no objection at all.
âYes, you should,â Lois added enthusiastically, giving him a little push on the arm. âCome on, donât hide so much.â
Clark nodded with a restrained smile, agreeing. Adam smiled, satisfied, Lois and Jimmy high-fived in celebration, and you just remained silent, jotting down directions in your planner, without exchanging a single word with him.
Because you were convinced: Clark wasnât there for you.
The first destination was a Japanese restaurant hidden between two tall buildings. From the outside it seemed discreet, but once the door opened, the aroma of dashi broth and fresh fish filled the air. The walls were decorated with light wooden panels and paper lamps, and behind the counter the owner, a gray-haired man, looked up with a broad smile as he saw you walk in.
âAh! Our star critic!â he exclaimed in heavily accented English, bowing slightly in respect.
Adam raised his eyebrows, intrigued, while the owner came closer to greet you.
âYour review about our ramen brought so many new people that we still feel it. I will never forget it.â
You smiled, a little embarrassed.
âI just wrote what I really tasted. People deserved to know.â
Adam quickly scribbled in his notebook, and Jimmy took the chance to snap pictures of the steaming bowls. Lois, amused, leaned toward Adam.
âYou see? Our friend here is quite a food celebrity.â
Adam laughed.
âIâm starting to suspect I came to the city and she already conquered everything worth conquering.â
Your blush was inevitable, and Clark, from the other side of the table, only pressed his lips in silence.
The second destination was an Italian restaurant with wide windows and the smell of freshly baked bread. The owner, a robust man with a mustache, stopped kneading the pizza as soon as he saw you and ran to greet you.
âSignorina!â he exclaimed, spreading his arms as if you were family. âSince you wrote about our lasagna, we never lack full tables!â
âIâm really glad to hear that,â you replied, smiling sincerely.
The man almost made you sit in the kitchen to show you the ovens, while Adam, Lois, and Jimmy watched fascinated.
Adam, with a mischievous smile, joked:
âIâm going to have to take her to London. With her reviews, theyâd fight for her in any newsroom over there.â
Jimmy burst out laughing.
âDonât even joke about it, Hall. The Planet without her would be like coffee without sugar.â
Lois, amused, joined the game.
âWell, if she goes to London, I already see her turning into a full-on Brit.â
Everyone laughed. You too, shaking your head, though the joke made you think more than you wanted to.
Adam, more serious this time, looked at you directly.
âSeriously speaking⊠if you asked, I could get you an opportunity over there. With your talent, I donât doubt it.â
Your eyes widened slightly. You didnât answer right away, because the idea floated in your mind as something possible for the first time.
Lois touched your arm with enthusiasm.
âIt would be a huge opportunity. Not everyone gets into the Gazette.â
That was when Clark, who had been silent throughout the whole tour, spoke. His voice was firm, without needing to raise it much:
âSheâs the best thing thatâs ever happened to the Daily Planet. Sheâs not going anywhere.â
The air at the table grew tense. Jimmy and Lois looked at him in surprise, Adam raised an amused eyebrow, and you stayed still.
Clark lowered his gaze for a moment, as if regretting being so blunt, but then added calmly:
âThatâs what Perry says.â
For a moment, no one knew what to say. You lowered your eyes to your plate, your heart pounding, not quite understanding why that sudden defense had left you speechless.
The Italian restaurant was filled with warm aromas: freshly baked bread, bubbling tomato sauce, and a touch of oregano that lingered in the air. As they kept eating, the conversation flowed lightly. Adam asked quick questions between bites, Lois threw witty remarks, and Jimmy kept looking for angles for his photographs.
But you noticed something else. Every time Adam leaned a little closer to you to speak, every time his hand brushed the table nearer to yours, Clarkâs fork would come to a halt. He said nothing, but you could feel it: that stillness, that tension, like an invisible thread only you could perceive.
When you glanced up sideways, you caught him watching you. It wasnât the calm, serene gaze he usually wore; there was a different intensity in it, as if behind his glasses he was hiding a question he didnât dare to ask.
You shook your head slightly, as if to chase the thought away. Youâre imagining things, you told yourself. Clark was in love with Loisâhe always had been. That spark you thought you saw was nothing more than a reflection of your own confusion.
And yet, every time Adam smiled at you and Clark fell silent all at once, the doubt began to grow again.
Suddenly, the ownerâs wife appeared from the kitchen with a radiant smile and an extra tray in her hands.
âThis is for you,â she said to you, placing several carefully wrapped containers. âA small gift to take home. After your review, we never lacked work. Itâs the least I can do.â
You blushed, lowering your head slightly.
âThank you, really, it wasnât necessary.â
âOf course it was,â the woman replied, giving your arm a light pat. âYou will always be welcome here.â
Adam smiled, fascinated by the scene.
âJimmy, can you take a picture of this?â he asked, pointing at the tray and at you with a gesture.
Jimmy raised the camera and snapped several times. In one of them, without meaning to, you ended up looking at Adam right as he tasted a piece of pasta and gave a playful thumbs-up.
âWell, you two look like a couple,â Lois blurted out between laughs, looking at the picture on Jimmyâs screen.
You laughed nervously, shaking your head.
âOh, please.â
Adam only raised his eyebrows with mischief.
âWell, I could get used to having such good company in my photos.â
Everyone laughed. Everyone, except Clark.
He took Jimmyâs camera a second later, curious. And when he saw that image, the air caught in his lungs. That look you gave Adam⊠it wasnât new. It was the same one you had once given him, in the most unexpected moments. A careful, gentle look, charged with something he never dared to decipher.
He had always thought you avoided him, that you rejected him in silence, that maybe you resented him for something he never understood. But when he saw that photograph, he realized he had been wrong. You had never hated him. Maybe you kept your distance because you felt something more and didnât know how to handle itâand he, out of fear or clumsiness, never dared to say anything or find out why.
And now⊠now he understood that maybe he had been blind all this time.
He lifted his gaze to you. You were still speaking animatedly with Adam, while he pulled out the recorder and asked you to repeat the description of a dish in your own voice. Your lips curved into a natural smile, light and effortless. And in that instant, a knot tightened in his stomach.
And just as it had happened for the past month, Lois was no longer on his mind. It wasnât her laughter that haunted him, it wasnât her words that anchored him. It was you. That smile, the way your eyes lit up when you focused on something, that unspoken bond you now seemed to share with Adamâand not with him.
Clark gripped the camera tightly in his hands. He didnât understand how it had happened, but he knew with certainty: it was no longer Lois who left him breathless. It was you. And the simple awareness of it, right there, in front of everyone, hit him with the force of a train.
He swallowed hard and looked away, trying to pull himself together. But every burst of laughter that spilled from your lips alongside Adam pierced him like a cruel reminder: he was losing you.
ââââ ââŠââŠâ ââââ
This work is mine. Copying or translating this fic is strictly prohibited. Any issue must be notified directly to me. Thank you.
Part seven of âBird Watchingâ aka hot construction worker Simon x single mom reader
The fight happens on a day like any other, a random Tuesday in early March
Stepping outside as you clutch your baby close to your chest, youâd almost expected to find the earth to have stopped spinning, to see birds dropping dead to the ground midflight, for dogs to bark incessantly at seemingly nothing at all, hell maybe even for the sun to have disappeared from the sky entirely
But no, everything was still the same, the world went on, the earth kept spinning, and life continued, even in spite of that heavy feeling in your chest telling you that nothing would ever be the same again, not when your world had just seemingly slipped out from under you
What else were you to think after learning what youâd just been told?
Youâd sat in that office for far too long, the bright murals on the walls more obnoxious than ever, smiling paintings of woodland creatures mocking you with every second that ticked by, your mind unable to wrap itself around the words being thrown at you, seeing as they were so contrary to everything you knew, so opposite to the man youâd come love
âIâm sorry but- I think youâre wrong. Thereâs- thereâs got to be more to this that Iâm not understanding. It doesnât- this doesnât make any sense.â Youâd mumbled, staring into space as though caught in a daze, certain youâd wake up from this dream sooner than later and laugh about it in the morning, though with every pitiful look the assistant director sent your way, you were worried this was one nightmare you wouldnât be able to pinch yourself out of
âHon, I really wish I was wrong too.â She said, rubbing what youâre sure she intended to be a soothing hand across your back, though everything felt too hot right now, too claustrophobic, and you were resisting the urge to flinch from her touch.
âYou must be.â You practically whispered to yourself. It had been at least twenty minutes of this now, going back and forth in disbelief despite the paper trail before you
âWhat about that small chance that Iâm not, though? What if this is whatâs happening?â She added, pulling her hand back and angling herself to better face you, her expression still pinched into that look of pity and concern you wanted to smack off of her, despite knowing she was speaking with the best of intentions
âWhat? That heâs trying to trap me?! Has been from the beginning? Thereâs no way, nuh-uh.â You shook your head adamantly, refusing to believe that there was any possibility of something so ludicrous being true, of being your reality, your life
âPlease just- just hear me out?â She all but pleaded, glancing towards the closed door as you heard the sound of laughter echoing down the hall, parents still filtering in and out, picking up their children like any other day, unaware of the drama unfolding in the office. âWe always thought it was kind of strange at first that he wasnât listed on her birth certificate when you submitted it with all your other paper work but- we really didnât give it much more thought. Really didnât think twice when he added himself to the list of contacts after you hadnât put him down, because he told us youâd just forgotten to. I mean from the moment he walked in here heâs always called himself your husband, and you his wife, always claimed to be Rosieâs dad.â
At this point your eyes are squeezed shut, unable to differentiate between what youâre hearing and what you know to be true in your heart. Or at least, what your heart desperately wants to believe is true- your confidence slipping with every word she speaks
âAnd when he insisted a few months ago that 75% of Rosieâs daycare fees be charged directly to his account, we-â
âWhat?â You all but hiss at her, eyes snapping open in shock
âSo you didnât know about that either.â She mumbles, cheeks reddening in apparent embarrassment, whether for your or herself youâre unsure, though youâre certain youâre starting to see red the longer you sit here. âI mean, is it even all that surprising at this point? You just got done telling me heâs been trying to have you financially depend on him from the get go.â
âI said heâd offered to help me with the bills when we first started dating. Not that he tried to entrap me!â You bite back, unable to feel sorry yet that youâre being so short with her when this isnât her fault, right now you need someone to be upset with, someone to take your feelings out on, and unfortunately she happens to be the unlucky messenger caught in the crossfire.
âIâm sure thatâs how he made it sound, but hon, Iâm just seeing red flag after red flag here. It starts with small âfavoursâ like that, then heâs telling you that you donât have to work anymore, that you can rely on him. And asking you to move in so soon-â
âIt- it isnât âso soonâ. Weâre already practically living together, we- weâre in love. This- this isnât- I donât-â you cut off yourself off, unsure what youâd even say at this point. You can feel a headache coming on, your mind running a mile a minute, you wouldnât be surprised to find steam coming off of you youâre feeling so heated. Youâre beyond confused now, your heart knows that Simonâs never led you astray before, never give you a single reason to doubt him or think of him as dishonest. But you canât ignore what youâre hearing either, as contrary as it might be to what youâve known to be true, the facts are set out before you
âI know you love him.â She says softer this time, eyes trying to convey a comfort you donât want right now. âBut I canât lie, Iâm worried now. Like you said, this could all be some very strange misunderstanding. But from where Iâm sitting babe, it seems like heâs been lying to you for months now, if not from the start. And the only reasons I can think of him doing that, arenât very good ones.â
âI just donât-â Your words are cut off when a knock rasps against the office door, both of you glancing over in time to see the door open.
âHey Emma, Rosieâs mum hasnât picked her up yet and I have to clean the room- oh! There you are!â One of Rosieâs educators says, stepping into the room with none other than your baby sat against her hip
You can feel the tension momentarily leave your body as Rosie spots you, her neutral expression turning into one of pure joy as she realizes her mamaâs here, tiny arms reaching out towards you as she starts to flail in her teacherâs arms, sweet little coos erupting from her as she all but tries to leap towards you
âWe were just chatting. Sorry to have kept you waiting with her. Hope she wasnât too much trouble.â You say, standing from your chair and taking Rosie into your arms, feeling her lay her little head against you as she makes herself comfortable in your hold, a comfort you desperately need yourself right now
âHer? Trouble? Never. She had a great day today.â The teacher smiles politely, excusing herself to likely go finish her closing duties, certainly eager to get out of here now that youâve got Rosie off her hands
âMaybe we could-â
âIâm gonna get this one home.â You cut Emma off before she can start, readjusting your hold on Rosie as you take a steadying breath. You want nothing more than to get out of here, to pretend that this never happened, though you arenât sure youâre ready yet for whatâs certainly about to happen at home. âThanks for the chat. Iâll think about what you said and- Iâve got some talking to do with Simon now, I suppose.â
Perhaps by some small miracle, Simon ends up having to work late that night, shooting you a text to let you know that heâs sorry he wonât be home for supper and to please give Rosie a goodnight kiss from him if he isnât back by her bedtime
You donât reply to his message
You feel numb, as though this were something that was happening to someone else, a story you might overhear people whispering about while in line at the grocery store, or even an all too cheesy reality TV show storyline, certainly not something thatâs happening in your home, to your family
You feel akin to a ghost, a spectre simply going through the motions as you float through the flat, following Rosieâs bedtime routine with nothing more than muscle memory to guide you from step A to B
Sheâs nodding off in your arms before you know it, blissfully unaware as to the turmoil happening in her mumâs mind, the fight thatâs likely to ensue when her dad comes home, none the wiser as you lay her down in her crib for the night, a soft kiss planted on her forehead for Simonâs sake because as conflicted as you are, his love for her is undeniable
If anything, thatâs the very thing that has you feeling so confused right now, is because you know Simon loves you, both you and Rosie, and so everything thatâs just been revealed to you is so utterly contradicatory you canât even begin to try and wrap your brain around it
Heâs never been anything short of wonderful to you, willing to bend over backwards to make you smile from the very moment you met
The Simon you know wouldnât lie to you, wouldnât hide things from you, wouldnât try to entrap you in any way like Emma or anyone else might try to insinuate
And yetâŠ
Shutting her door quietly, you make your way down the hall, glancing at the piles of boxes that have only recently made a home for themselves along the walls of your flat
Moving boxes, the majority of them being from Simonâs own place across town that he hasnât been to in months, as you prepare to move into the new house in the upcoming weeks
A house that you love, a house that you dreamt about, a house you can picture becoming a home, and yet still, a house he bought without asking you first, apparently a common trend
Plopping yourself down on the couch, rubbing furiously at your tired eyes as you try in vain to make sense of this conflicting situation
Because the Simon you know, isnât capable of lying to you
The Simon you know has never once failed to fulfill a promise to you, never ceases to exceed your wildest dreams and expectations time and time again, always coming through for you in every way youâve ever wanted and never knew you needed
The Simon you know is one who works harder than anyone youâve ever met before, but didnât hesitate for a split second to drop everything when Rosie had her first runny nose, fussing over her incessantly until you were both sure it was nothing more than a case of the sniffles
The Simon you know never lets you go through a late night feeding alone, getting up out of bed with you every single time her cries reach your ears, or sometimes insisting you stay asleep while he either goes to retrieve her for you or feeds her a premade bottle himself
The Simon you know doesnât complain when the kitchen sink springs a leak after heâs had a long day at work, but rather angles Rosieâs high chair so she can see him working as he talks her through every step of the repair, teasing her about starting to pull her weight around he house as she giggles
The Simon you know pretends to grumble when you insist on applying sunscreen to his face on particularly sunny days, but secretly loves every second you spend so close him, fingers tracing his skin and taking care of him as delicately as you would with Rosie
The Simon you know shamelessly carries the diaper bag over his shoulder wherever you go, proudly wears Rosie on his chest in the baby sling any chance he gets, and most of all, never fails to hold your heart in his hand no matter how full they may already be
Tonight however? You canât help the way your heart seemingly drops when you hear the telltale sound of keys at the front door
Simon is home
âBirdie?â His deep, Manchester accent calls out from around the corner. Youâre hardly in control of your body as you rise to your feet and all but float towards him, torn between needing his comfort during such a confusing time, but equally fighting off the hurt and skepticism youâre beginning to feel
âHi Si.â You meekly respond, coming into his view just as heâs toeing off his mud-caked boots, his eyes lighting up once he sees you
âHi love.â He replies, stepping closer until youâre within his reach, naturally falling against his chest as he presses a kiss to the crown of your head, your eyes closing as you breathe in his scent. âRosie asleep yet?â
âPut her down just a couple minutes ago.â You answer, arms snaking around his torso to embrace him tightly, unable to deny the hot tears beginning to prickle at the corner of your eyes.
âMâsorry I missed bedtime.â
âSâalright. Gave her your good night kiss for you. And I saved you supper. Just some chicken and salad but-â
ââJusâ chicken and saladâ is already more than I deserve for coming home late to my girls. Thank you, birdie.â
You know your smile doesnât quite reach your eyes when he pulls back to look at you, pulling yourself out of his hold to head towards the kitchen, his footsteps right behind yours
âHow was your day? Not workinâ you too hard are they?â He asks, opening the fridge and pulling out the plate youâd saved for him
âNo, work was fine.â You answer, awkwardly rubbing your arms as you lean against the wall, poking the edge of one of his moving boxes labeled simply as âstuffâ with your socked toes. âActually, my day got kind of weird towards the end, if Iâm being honest.â
âOh yeah? Whyâs that?â Simon asks you, peering at you over his shoulder as he gets ready to reheat his food
âWell I uh- I went to pick up Rosie from nursery and wound up talking to Emma. You know, the assistant director?â
If you didnât know Simon so well, didnât know his mind and his body language like the back of your hand by now, you might have missed the oh so subtle way he tensed up for no more than a split second, his large frame perfectly still as he held his breath for no longer than a blink of the eye, but you saw it
ââCourse. How is she?â He asks as casually as he can, though he pointedly isnât meeting your gaze anymore
âSheâs fine. Busy as usual. But anyways, I got chatting with her in the first place because I was just letting her know about the move soon. Wanted to update our address.â You add, waving a hand towards the many boxes dotted around the place
âAh, right. Smart oâ you to get a head start on thaâ.â Simon chides in, still not looking at you as he goes about grabbing himself silverware and a drink, keeping his head down the whole time
âI thought so too.â You say, pushing yourself off the wall to step closer to him, feeling your heart begin to pick up pace as dare to say what youâre too afraid to confirm. âAlso figured I would go ahead and update Rosieâs contact information, while I was at it. Was well overdue adding you.â
At this point Simon has stopped moving entirely, his back turned to you as he faces the kitchen sink, not a word to be said as you continue
âBut then she told me that you were already on there.â
Nearly a full five seconds pass by in complete and utter silence, before Simon slowly spins himself around to face you
âOh.â Is all he can apparently manage to say at first, his face pulled into an expression you arenât overly familiar with, eyes glancing everywhere but at your face. âDid you somehow add me and forget?â
âThatâs what I thought at first too.â You elaborate, wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, despite knowing that there isnât a logical explanation for the second half of what youâre about to say. âBut it was strange because she told me that she remembers having a conversation with you, after our first visit. Said that you were the one to add yourself.â
Again, Simon seems to forfeit to what he knows best in moments of high stress, a painful silence that echoes louder than any shouts ever could
âThings got really strange though, the more she told me. Like how youâve been paying the daycare bills behind my back.â
âLove, I-â
âWhat was she talking about, Simon? Please tell me she was wrong.â You interrupt him, feeling your cheeks begins to burn with untamed emotions you havenât dared to let out yet, the stinging at your lash line growing stronger as hot tears threaten to topple over
âNo. She wasnât wrong, but-â
âWhat?â You interrupt him, trying your best to keep your volume low for Rosieâs sake, though you can tell your emotions are already starting to get the better of you
âLook birdie, I- Iâm not ready to talk about this yet. Letâs leave it alone for tonight, yeah?â Simon says as coolly as he can manage, though you notice the way his jaw ticks, how he runs his hand through his short hair as he only does when frustrated
âWhat the hell does that mean? Youâre not ready to talk about what? Simon what is going on here?â You ask him, feeling yourself becoming light headed as the conversation takes the turn you were fearing it would, his words failing to reassure the uncertainty brewing within you
âLove itâs not- there isnât anythinâ going on. Iâm only jusâ trying to take care of you. So please, letâs just leave it.â
âNo, Si. I canât just âleave itâ. Not when Iâm finding out that youâve been lying to me for who knows how long!â You insist, reaching behind you until you feel a stack of the moving boxes hit your calf, sitting down on the large box as you look up at Simon across the room. âWhat am I supposed to-â
âI said enough! Just drop it, please birdie. Itâs nothinâ.â He snaps at you, going to slam a hand down on the kitchen counter but catching himself at the last second, glancing down the hall towards Rosieâs closed door as he shakes his head to himself
âNo! Iâm not just going to drop this, Simon. How am I meant to know that you havenât hidden anything else from me?â
âOh, because you donât hide anythinâ?â He asks, stepping closer to you while trying to keep his voice down, lest you both wake the baby up
âWhat the hell is that supposed to mean?â
âChrists sake, Iâm talkinâ âbout Rosieâs father. What else would we be talkinâ âbout?â He admits, throwing his hands up in the air in defeat, coming to sit on the boxes across from you
âAre you kidding me?â You ask, narrowing your eyes at him. âWeâve gone over this before, it was a fucking one night stand Simon! Rosie doesnât have a father, because I donât know who her fucking father is! Is that what you want to hear? That I dont know the stranger who knocked me up after sleeping with him one goddamn time?â
âI donât know what happened because we never talk bout it!â He replies, one foot incessantly tapping agains the tiled floor as he struggles to keep his cool. âThereâs some bloke out there who could show up one day and take everythinâ Iâve worked for, so bloody fuckinâ right Iâm concerned! How could you not know who he is? Might not know his name, but you could pick him out of a lineup surely? Describe him?â
âAre you seriously that insecure right now? Youâre feeling threatened by a ghost? Because thatâs all he was Simon, was a fucking ghost! It was a goddamn Halloween party. Every single person in that was wearing a mask, including me!â You argue back to him. âYou want me to try and describe some tall guy wearing all black and a stupid skull mask? Is that it? How he didnât even take it off while we were having sex? How he only wanted me to call him Ghost the entire goddamn night? What does it matter, Simon?â
By the end of your rant, youâre left huffing and puffing, borderline seeing red as you canât believe of all things, this is what Simon would feel the need to bring up at a time like this
Youâre expecting him to argue back, waiting on him to retaliate with whatever other ugly words youâre going to throw at each other tonight, the first proper fight youâve ever had
And yet, heâs sat perfectly still, eyes locked on your own though itâs as if he isnât quite seeing you
Rather, he looks like heâs seen a ghost
âSimon?â
He remembers that night almost too perfectly
Exactly half a year since his forced retirement, Simon was all too eager to get through the last of his âhighly recommendedâ therapy sessions
The older gentleman he met with once a month wasnât all that bad, to his credit, had some decent stories to share and never pressed Simon to fill in the silence when he wasnât in the mood to do so
But he was still a shrink at the end of the day, wasnât he? Still wanted the former Lieutenant to talk about his feelings and his past and his thoughts and his nightmares and just about everything Simon would rather keep under heavily guarded lock and key
Even if he never insisted on making Simon spill his guts the way he might have imagined a shrink was obligated to do in their mandated fifty minute sessions, heâd still somehow managed to get the younger man to open up to the smallest degree, learned as much as he was willing to share within these bleak walls
Though he held no ill feelings towards him nor his profession, Simon couldnât help but glance at the clock above the shrinkâs head at least every other minute, looking forward to having his Saturday afternoons back to himself soon as this last appointment was done and over with
âSimon?â He remembers the old man saying, catching his wandering eye. âDid you hear me?â
âSorry. Go on.â The muscular man had said, crossing his arms across his chest as heâd fought to give the man before him his full attention.
âI was only just saying,â he kindly went on, a soft smile appearing below his white moustache. âIf if was something you might be open to exploring, I donât think it would be the worst idea if you wanted to wear the mask out in public again. One last time.â
âWhy would I do thaâ?â Simon had questioned.
âPlease correct me if Iâm wrong, but youâve spoken before about feeling conflicted between who you used to be six months ago, and who youâre having to become now post-retirement. A man with a name and a job and obligations. Whereas for over a decade, you were certain youâd never be anything more than this Ghost fellow youâve mentioned. This man without a name, without a face. Am I right on this?â
âSuppose so.â He grumbled, shifting in his spot, the softness of the cushions around him a mundane luxury he was still growing used to feeling.
âYouâve also said that the honourable discharge came as a bit of a surprise, an unexpected end to this Ghost, as it were. Something, or someone, you never had the chance to truly mourn.â The shrink had gone on, gesticulating his pale, wrinkled hands with every word he spoke in Simonâs direction.
On his end, Simon could only manage to nod in response, taking in the manâs perspective
âThe mask was something pivotal for you, something you held on to without fail for years, Simon. Years. Itâs understandably difficult to be told you would no longer going to need this thing you had grown to, dare I say, depend on? Something that kept you separate from the rest of the world? A world you were being thrown back into without a choice?â
The older man had allowed for a beat of silence as Simon absorbed his words, only keeping his eyes on him as any indication now that he was still listening
âNow, I know youâd said that you havenât put the mask back on since. We also evidently canât replicate the sort of environment that Ghost used to live in. But if you wanted to put the mask back on for one night. If you wanted to put the mask back on for just a moment and perhaps allow yourself to make peace with this change in your life, to say goodbye to Ghost and give yourself the chance to fully become Simon, well, tonight might not be the worst night to try and do so.â
As if he needed his own shrink reminding him that it was Halloween that night
He remembers the odd few pumpkins lined up outside the apartments heâd passed on his walk home from the session
Remembers the posters for discounted costumes and reminders to check your childrenâs candy dotted along brick walls here and there
Hell heâd even had a group of giggling trick or treaters run past him at one point that evening
Staring at the handful of boxes he still couldnât bring himself to unpack yet, Simon sat ins his flat entirely too long that night with a drink in hand, staring at the very one he knew held the thing he woulndât have been caught dead without less than a yer ago, now ruffed between some folded shirts
The more drinks he got in his system, the less ludicrous the docâs idea had sounded to him
Perhaps he should don the mask one last time, if only to see what it felt like to have his second skin back on him again, to be Ghost for only just a moment more
He had been tearing the cardboard box open before he knew it, ripping through clothing until his hands met the familiar feeling of the skull beneath his fingertips
He hadnât bothered looking in a mirror or anything dramatic of the sort as he slipped the material over his head, not feeling the need to glance at the face he once relished in knowing was the last one countless had ever seen in their lives
Unsure of how he felt but knowing he didnât want to sit still, Simon had gone back out onto the streets, the sun having set long ago and trick or treaters certainly tucked into bed by now with lollipop coloured tongues and wrappers awry
He knew he wanted to keep drinking that night, seeing as it was the only way he could fall asleep most nights, and neednât go very far before following the noise of the nearest pub, only just around the corner from his measly flat
Though the place had been crowded that night, packed with the young and old all dressed in differing levels to commitment to their costumes, Simon was pleased to see he could still part a crowd with ease as heâd slunk his way over to the busy bar
The music had been damn near defeaning, and the heat from all the dancing bodies was poignant, his senses kicking into overdrive as he fought the urge to turn hightail and head back to the solace of his empty four walls
The barkeep hadnât even bat an eye at Ghostâs appearance as heâd made his way over and took his order, making haste to keep up with the demanding crowd
What had the doc said, again? That he ought to be taking this time to say goodbye to Ghost and welcome in Simon?
Pure rubbish, as far as he was concerned
He would always be Ghost in a way, wouldnât he? Mask or not, his hands would still be stained with someoneâs blood, his eyes will still be ones that witnessed death for a living, his heart would still beat to a broken drum, he would always be a ghost of a man on way or another
And so, no, he likely would not have said goodbye to Ghost that night, had he had much of a chance to continue thinking about it
But then again, fate has a way of making things fall into place right when they need to, doesnât it?
For Simon had only just received his drink when a young woman had suddenly come crashing into his side, her hands unabashedly coming to grasp onto his bicep as she leaned her weight into him
âThere you are! Iâve been looking everywhere for you!â Sheâd said, loud enough to be heard over the music, glancing not at Ghost, but rather at someone whoâd come to stand just behind him
Prepared to swing around in his seat and size up the person behind him, Simonâs eyes had gotten caught halfway there, when they landed on the stranger holding onto him
Donned in a flowing white dress with long billowing sleeves, a single red rose tucked behind her ear to match the red painted across her enticing lips, Simon was surprised to find an almost perfect Christine from the Phantom of the Opera stood before him, though perhaps more so that the young woman was also wearing the Phantomâs half mask across her face
âYouâre expecting me to believe that this is your boyfriend?â A gruff voice had spoken out from the din of the crowd, Simonâs gazing finally landing on a poor imitation of a superhero, the lad clearly wasted on one too many drinks as he tried stepping closer to the mystery woman
Simonâs gaze had fixed back upon the womanâs face, eyes locking for the first time that night, the music in the room suddenly no longer so intolerable, nor the heat so unbearable, not when she was looking at him like that
Simon was smart enough to catch onto what was going on here in time to step in, cutting into the manâs attempt to squeeze closer to the young lady still clinging to Simonâs arm, his tall stature alone enough to have the bloke taking a step back
âHusband. Actually.â Ghost had decided to clarify for him, slinking an arm around your shoulders and ignoring the spark he felt as he did so, blaming the drinks heâd had himself. âBest move on to the next one, mate. Sheâs taken.â
Luckily, the lad apparently still had enough common sense, or at least self preseration instincts, to know when it was time to back off, moving back through the crowd with his head hung low, not that either of you were still looking at him, instead turning to face one another again
âJesus, heâs been hounding me all night, wouldnât take no for an answer, but you say all of ten words to him and heâs over it? Ugh, men I swear.â Youâd said, leaning your elbows against the bar top as you went to wave down the barkeep, before catching Simonâs eye again and sending him a playful smile
âFunny way to say thank you.â Heâd said, ignoring the way the genuine widening of your smile at his words had sent a jolt through his heart
âHey, I was getting there.â You had laughed, the sound barely making its way to his ears through the noise of the crowd, but even just the whisper of it has him unconsciously stepping closer to you. âWould a drink be enough to repay for you saving me?â
Simon had glanced back over his shoulder, the tosser nowhere to be seen amongst the flashing lights and ever moving mass of bodies strolling and dancing about
Youâd been nearly blinding to him in the darkness of the bar that night, your pale dress and startlingly white mask illuminated by the moving lights, the fog of his drinks already catching up to him, you were an image to behold nonetheless
Itâd been a long, long time since Simon had had a girl in his bed, let alone a bird as pretty as you, but Ghost however? If he was lucky tonight, he might be able to get you to come back home with him, and then never see you again when he took the mask off in the morning
âOnly if youâll have one with me.â Heâd replied, watching as you lifted a single brow in amusement. âGot to keep up the appearance that weâre here together now, havenât we?â
âHmm, suppose so.â Youâd agreed easily, hopping up onto the barstool next to him as it freed up, the blush on your cheeks apparent when heâd reached his muscular arm behind you to drag the stool closer. âSo, whatâs my knight in shining armourâs name, then?â
âCall me Ghost.â
Muahahaha
Iâve been dropping hints in the chapters for a while now, and quite a few of you have guessed it, but yes, it seems Simon might know the baby daddy better than he thinks he does
As an almost strictly fluff writer, the angst in this one was so tough to write! Luckily next chapter will be filled with lots of fluff and smut to make up for the fight
( summary ) when harry potter said he wanted a reason to skip potions, he didnât expect to wind up developing a kinship with a portrait of a young witch by the kitchens, but how can he complain when her smile is just as welcoming as her stories?
( pairing ) sebastian sallow x female!reader (mc), platonic!harry potter x female!reader, small mention of ominis gaunt x anne sallow
( notes/warnings ) set during the philosophers stone and the end of the deathly hallows! part of the âthe house of the rising sunâ universe! this was supposed to be a mostly seb/minorly harry fic but it kind of inverted because i love harry potter and want to wrap him in a warm blanket and keep him safe forever. also!!! this is the first proper fic iâve written in over a year so pls be kind đ€. angst but mostly fluff! reader assuming a motherly role with harry! low-key sebastian assuming a fatherly role with harry too! canon-compliant violence mentions! minimal usage of y/n! not proofread!
Harry Potter had known torment like no other. Stood little over 5 foot tall, he had felt blistering rage poured from callous hands and the bitter loneliness nipping at his guts. But none of it, not the broom cupboard, not the scar, would be worse that enduring another double potions class.
And so, the boy who lived took a left turn down a spiral staircase instead of carrying on to the dungeons and followed the candlelit corridors until he found himself facing a dead-end. It was, he thought, maybe the most peaceful part of the castle heâd seen in his two months of admittance. There was no cobwebbed ceiling corners, no scathing suits of armour, no ghastly ghosts taunting his every breath. The walls were barren except for a lone portrait frame displayed on the far wall. Harry walked closer.
It was an empty frame, holding only a background of red curtains and a plush sofa. He wondered who that frame was meant to home and worried his footsteps had frightened them off. He turned to walk away, to find a shadowy area by one of the far courtyards where he could waste the rest of his two hours. But just as he did so, back already to the wall, he heard a gentle voice.
âAre you lost, sweetheart?â
Harryâs head whipped to the frame once more with such speed he wouldnât be shocked to feel a sharp pain in the morning. Sat on the sofa was now a witch who looked to be older than him, if only by a few years. She wore a white collared shirt with a red tie and a long grey skirt beneath dark brown overcoat. There was a scar on her left cheek that Harry believed heâd find intimidating on anyone else, but something in the way she smiled at him, the softness of her eyes, told him heâd struggle to find an off-putting thing about her.
He hadnât even realised heâd been staring, lips parted, question ignored, until she let out a small laugh. Harry Potter had been laughed at before, heâd been laughed at before heâd even been born, he knew what it meant for two people to share a look and a giggle when you speak â or, more aptly, donât speak. But the insult he was accustomed to never came. He felt no wave of shame, no cheeks reddened with embarrassment. In a strange act of fate, he found himself laughing with her.
âIâm Y/n Sallow. Pleased to make your acquaintanceâŠâ She paused and nodded for him to introduce himself.
âHarry. Harry Potter.â
âAh.â She nodded. âIâve heard many things about you. Itâs good to put a face to the name. So, Harry, my question still remains; are you lost?â
âI have double potions.â
She laughed again and so did he. âI see. You know, I remember your professor when he was about your age. Terribly frightened boy, but wildly genius.â
âHe hates me for something that isnât my fault.â
âPeople tend to channel anger when their other feelings are too confusing. Itâs easier for them. But I know how you feel, love. Believe me.â
âNobody knows how I feel.â Harry didnât like how self-effacing he sounded, but to him it was mere truth. Nobody else had lost in the same ways he had and been forced to live with its guilt, nobody else was thrust into the war of a world they didnât understand.
âYou only say that because you havenât taken History of Magic yet.â
Harry looked at her quizzically. âWhat do you mean?â
âGet comfortable.â The boy took off his robe and folded in the floor, sitting atop it and crossing his legs, elbows resting on his knees.
For the next three hours, Harry paid no need to the fact he had missed a charms lesson, as he found himself immersed in the stories she told. Of long-dormant repositories of ancient magic, of goblins, and poachers, and graphorns, and plight, the scale of what he faced seemed not dwarfed, but levelled by that of her own.
She told him of the fears she felt as she entered the Great Hall, how lonely she was on her first day, and Harry felt his heart swell at the fortune of meeting Ron as early as he did. When he said this, she smiled and said Ron reminded her of an old friend, a former Hufflepuff and renowned magiczoologist.
âShe said she didnât have many friends before I arrived, which caught me by such surprise, because I believed her to be one of the kindest witches I had ever met. One of the bravest too. In fact, she led me on one of the most remarkable adventures of my lifeâŠâ She said, a melancholic smile on her face as she talked of Golden Snidgets and centaurs.
As their second hour drew to a close, she brought her storytelling to a sudden halt. âEnough of me. Darling, how has Hogwarts been for you?â
Harry paused, having barely reflected on the question himself. âItâs been good.â A moment of silence. âI think.â
âYou think?â
âItâs justâŠâ His breath caught in his throat, as millions of thoughts came to mind but to words followed suit. âI just feel so out of place. I found out about magic two months ago, and suddenly everyone has these big expectations of me because of what happened when I was a baby.â She nodded in understanding and felt her heart break in her chest.
When you looked at him, you saw him not as a prodigal son or a budding star, but as the child he was. His glasses slightly crooked, almost hanging off his nose, his cheeks red and rosy, his eyes downcast. He looked a mirror of you, and you hated it with a ferocity you hadnât felt in years.
It was supposed to end with you, the torment of children, the horror of destiny. You still remembered the terror you felt when you first touched that portkey, when Fig told you more of those iron-clad knights would follow, when the fate of a world you knew naught about was thrust upon your fifteen-year-old shoulders.
When Ranrok was defeated and you were told youâd be safe, you were lied to. The poachers still came in droves, angrier, smarter, fit to kill with the taste of your blood in their mouths. More loyalists subscribed to Ranrokâs ideals and strived off the image of your head mounted on a wall. There was always new monsters to fight, new people in need, new reasons to run away and forge a new life.
But you never did, you never took the bait. You knew that if you left, if you abandoned your responsibilities that eventually they would fall onto another you. Another child born with your gift, and they too would know true loneliness and fear and you could not let that happen.
You graduated and became a freelance cursebreaker. If people felt unsafe, you were the first port of call. You risked your life with the sole mission of preventing another child from filling your shoes. You did all this, and it meant nothing. It meant nothing because now, over a century later, a young boy is being punished for actions he didnât commit, tormented for events out of his control.
Harry Potter was cut from the same cloth as you, and so, you listened.
The bell tower tolled and sent a shock down Harryâs spine. Was it lunchtime already? He stood up and dusted off his cloak. âDo you ever get lonely?â He asked. âAll the other portraits have others around them.â
âI rarely dwell in this frame, to be honest. I have a few others around, thereâs one by the Magical Theory classroom on the fourth floor of the Astronomy wing. Thatâs where I spend most of my time, but Iâve got two in Hogsmeade, another in a run-down hamlet southwest of here, even have one in America.â You gave him a sweet smile. âThe portrait of the old potions professor, Aesop Sharp, sends word for me whenever he sees someone come down this hall. Say hello to him when you pass, will you?â
He nodded his head, halfway down the corridor before he turned around and hoped you hadnât gone yet. âThank you for this. Is itââ he paused again and took a deep breath, âis it alright if I come here again? If I can talk to you again?â
His heart pounded in his throat, caught with a fear of you saying no. Of laughing at him for finding such comfort in a mere conversation. Harry Potter had long since accepted that heâd never truly know the feeling of being cared for, being heard. He had made his peace with such a thing. He was a child now, but heâd grow. Heâd grow in his own and heâd grow to be a kind man who cared for others with kindness never afforded for him. He was okay with this, but now that heâd met you, he knew he couldnât live that way anymore.
Heâd never had enough material things to be selfish over, but heâd be selfish now if he needed to. He needed this again, this feeling of being truly seen and understood.
Ever since he came to the wizarding world, Harry had been told he had his motherâs eyes, her kindness and warmth. Looking at you now, he figured you were the closest to her heâd find. In the softness of your gaze, he shed the weight of his worries.
You smiled again and nodded. âTell dear Aesop to send word whenever you need me, darling.â
His feet felt lighter as they travelled up the steps, eagerly searching for a portrait he hadnât noticed before until he was outside the potions classroom and read the golden plaque. Aesop Sharp.
The man had a gruff face with rugged stubble and scars on his chin. His lips quirked up with a thin veil of remembrance. âI take it she arrived on time?â
âShe said to say âhiâ. And thank you.â
âShe thanked me?â
âIâm thanking you.â Aesop only hummed and nodded.
âThereâs nothing to thank me for, boy. Other than the fact that your potions professor will be kept uninformed of your detour.â Harryâs cheeks flushed a deep red and Aesop let out what could almost be considered a laugh. âItâs best you run along now. The restâthe firstâof your classes will drag on an empty stomach.â
âI was wondering when youâd return.â Sebastian teased from the frame. âAlmost four whole hours on my own with only Weasley for company.â
As you joined Sebastian in the portrait, settling comfortably on the sofa heâd been sprawled across, his arm found a comfortable place around your shoulders, holding you close.
Garreth, whose portrait was on the corner wall to the left of yours by his request, let out a hearty laugh at that. âYou say that as though you werenât the one recount all the old days, Sallow. No need to try impress the lady, you fooled her years ago.â
âDonât be rude, Garreth. Itâs sweet he cares so much after all these years.â Poppy chided from her frame beside his, appearing just as Natty did across from her.
âWhereâs Ominis?â You asked, expecting a quip from your dear friend.
âHe went to visit Feldcroft. Said he missed the place and wanted to see how olâ Victoria is holding up.â You smiled as Sebastian mentioned Ominis and Anneâs great-great granddaughter.
âItâs is sweet that they stay in such close touch.â You smiled. âWe must visit again soon. Adam is still in London, I think. His daughter is starting Hogwarts next year. Same with Sarahâs son.â Your heart swelled at the thought of the family of your own.
âItâll be nice not to be the only one here with family visits in the castle.â Garreth said.
âMy boy will be nothing like your Percy.â Sebastian defended.
âIf heâs anything like you, heâll be exactly like the twins, though.â
âI heard Imelda gave them an earful last week after they almost blew up her frame by the Trophy Room.â Natty laughed. âTheyâre definitely Weasleyâs.â
âThereâll be more of them than there is Ravenclawâs with the way things are going.â Poppy commented. âA young boy this year, and a girl next?â
âWhat can I say, weâre family people! I heard Ronâs befriended the Potter boy.â At this, your ears perked up.
âHarry?â
âUh-oh.â Sebastian taunted, toying with a stand of your hair. âSomething tells me youâve taken someone under your wing again.â
You pinched his side as the others chuckled joked between themselves. âYou say that as though itâs a bad thing. I thought you liked when I cared for people.â
âI do.â He smiled, putting his hand on the back of your head and pulling you close to press a kiss to your temple. âJust find it a bit funny is all.â
âI want all of you to keep an eye on him. I was talking him today and I could feel thisâ thisâ this loneliness hanging around him. He was talking to me and it felt like I was talking to myself at fifteen.â
A silence washed over the portraits. Theyâd seen you through it all. They saw you when Lodgok passed, when Fig passed, when everything worked against you and there was nothing they could do to help. Sebastianâs grip on you tightened, guilt stirring in the pits of his stomach.
It had been almost two centuries since everything with Anneâs curse had come to pass. Heâd apologised countless times, kneeling before you with his head hung his shame and your hands held tightly in his, tears staining your skirts. Youâd forgiven him just as many. You cradled his face and kissed his cheeks and told him that what happened then mattered no more than what you had for dinner the night prior. He was still your love, and you were the lone focus of his devotion, that was what mattered.
But time does not heal all wounds, and there would always be a part of you that remembered how he had to mean Crucio and how he didnât write to you at all that summer, just as there would always be a part of him that yearned to go back and beat sense into the younger version of him who saw you as only a means of rescuing Anne.
They all knew how important the safety of the boy would grow to be to you, and made a silent pact to follow through with whatever you asked.
âI still remember when James and Lily were in first year.â Lamented Poppy. âShe knew how to put a boy in his place. Couldâve learned a lot from her in our years.â
âShe was so lovely, too. I always knew sheâd become Head Girl. She reminded me of Amit. Always so smart but just as kind.â Natty sighed. âHowâs Amit doing anyways, Y/n? You were the last to visit the library.â
âHeâs well. Apparently a seventh year recognised him from his books the other day, heâs just as bashful as ever. Got red even recounting the story.â You grinned fondly.
âI remember how jealous Sebastian was on your first Astronomy lesson when Professor Shah volunteered Amit to share a telescope with you instead of him.â Garreth laughed, a deep laugh that came from the back of his throat.
âI was not jealous!â
âYou were.â It seemed Ominis had a penchant for arriving just when Sebastian needed to be put in his place. âI couldnât see it but I could sense it. You werenât exactly subtle.â
âI couldnât tell, if that makes you feel better.â You attempted to console.
âHe professed his love to you for a year and you couldnât tell. Thatâs no consolation.â It seemed he had a penchant for catching you out as well.
âEasy, Gaunt.â Sebastian warned. âLetâs not forget five years of pining for Anne. Makes our thing look like a breeze.â
Your friend halted and shook his head, a breathy laugh escaping him. âYou have me there, Sebastian.â
âHowâs Vic?â
âSheâs good. Really good. Asking after the lot of you, Poppy especially.â The former magiczoologist furrowed her brows. âSaid your research papers on mooncalves have been an invaluable asset to her work on rescuing and rehoming them.â
âI always knew sheâd do brilliant things.â Poppy beamed. âIt was a guarantee given who her family is.â
You settled further into Sebastianâs embrace as the conversation rolled on, head on his shoulder and relishing in his warmth. This was the kind of peace you so desperately longed for in your girlhood, this was the home you fought so hard to protect, safe in the arms of your love and the company of your family.
You could only pray Harry found the same someday.
It became routine for the boy to visit your portrait over the months that passed, so much so that Aesop no longer needed to send for you when Harry passed because youâd be there already, waiting.
You felt a kinship with him that you could only compare to the bond you had felt with your own children all those years ago. You loved your great-grandchildren dearly, but they had inherited your wanderlust and seemed nearly impossible to get a hold of, a feat made even more difficult given your inability to do⊠anything, really. But Harry was here, in need of guidance, a service you were more than willing to give.
When you heard he won quidditch matches, youâd leap from your sofa and nearly wept with pride, just as you did with every assignment result he relayed to you. Harry seemed to preen to your praise.
You quickly became his confidant. He told you of his years with the Dursleys, his troll encounter at Halloween (where you had laughed at another similarity between the pair of you), his fears of Voldemort, and, eventually, his plans to find the Philosopherâs Stone.
âYou must promise me youâll be careful, Harry.â You warned. âItâs no small feat youâre about to undertake, do not underestimate it by any means. Without a doubt, youâll be trialled before you find the stone, you have to keep a clear head. Do not let yourself get distracted, if only for a moment.â
There was a taught crease between your brows and your shoulders were tensed with worry. The boy seemed almost apologetic as he nodded. âI swear it. Ron and Hermione will help me too. I wonât be alone.â
You remembered how happy he was when he spoke of his friends, so similar to how you did. He seemed to glow with the joy of being accepted not despite being know, but because of it instead. âYou keep an eye out for them as well. I donât want to hear any stories of a first year sent to the Hospital Wing.â
An authoritative edge laced your voice that set Harryâs spine straight, heart clenching at the protectiveness you showed over him and those he held close.
âHarry,â your words were gentler now, softer, âyouâre a brilliant wizard, destined to do great things, but you do not have to do them now. Not if youâre not ready.â
âI am ready. I have to do this. If I donât, who else will?â
In a humbling moment, you realised there was nothing you could say to the boy that wouldnât be wholly hypocritical. âJustââ you sighed, âpromise me that youâll come visit when youâre done, let me know youâre safe, tell me of your adventure.â
âI promise.â He smiled.
Later that evening, when curfew had long been set, you found yourself visiting the Trophy Room for the first time in many months. You smiled at Imelda as you passed through the portrait across from her.
âHello, old friend.â You grinned warmly, stepping into the portrait of Eleazer Fig, tucked away behind the Goblet of Fire.
The man seemed to melt in your presence, a bright smile taking over his face as he pulled you into a tight embrace.
âItâs been far too long, sweet girl.â He said in your ear, still holding you close.
âI fear an apology is in order.â You said almost feebly.
âWhat ever for?â
âI believe I now know the torment you felt in our year together.â A laugh escaped you. âIâve developed a friendship with the young Potter boy.â
Fig nodded his head in understanding. âYou worry for the child?â
âWith every dawn. To know heâs in such danger and I am unable to helpâ itâs a cruel torture.â
âI know.â His hands found your own. âNo child should have to face what he will â what you did. But if you stand by him whenever he calls, know that is the help he needs. The support of someone who has seen what he has and come out to lead a better life will give him the hope he needs to persevere.â
You hadnât realised there were even tears in your eyes until they dropped onto your cheeks. It was one of Figâs many talents to draw the rawest, most powerful emotions from within you.
Over the years, youâd gone to him when the slightest problems left you upset. Youâd run to his portrait whenever you didnât want to sit through History of Magic and sit on the floor and tell him everything there was to tell, from your breakfast that day to the deepest fears in year heart.
âBelieve me, child. If he is in any way like you, he will shock you with abilities. I know you shocked me.â He moved to cradle your face softly, resting his forehead against your own.
âI feel so helpless. None of what he stands before is fair. Heâs only a boy.â He knew the truth of your words, for theyâd been said to him before Harry Potter had even been born. I am so helpless. None of this is fair. Iâm only a girl.
âAll you can do for him is let him know that you will always be there, never to judge, only to support. The boy needs comfort and normalcy, so that is what you must remain.â
âYouâve always known just what to say.â You smiled at him, face wrought with melancholia.
âIt has always been easy to speak with you, friend. You were the closest Iâd ever gotten to a child of my own.â His own eyes shone now. âMiriam truly wouldâve adored you. The pair of you wouldâve driven me mad.â
You let out a watery laugh and pulled him into another tight embrace, your chin tucked over his shoulder, anchoring you to him as you stayed that way for an indiscernible about of time before making your way down to your lone portrait to anxiously wait for Harryâs arrival.
The end of the school year drew close faster than any of the others had, you were sure of it, and soon Harry was sat before you, still shaking with the excitement of winning Gryffindor the House Cup, telling you of how happy the last year had made him.
âIâll miss you, though.â He frowned. âDonât suppose you have any portraits near Surrey?â
âIâm afraid not, sweet one. But Iâll be here when you return, eagerly awaiting your stories of summer. Maybe Iâll have some new ones myself too.â
A comfortable silence passed through you both, Harry pulling at him fingers and you looking down at him warmly. âIâm so proud of you, Harry.â He looked up at you quickly, a flicker of shock on his face.
âYouâre so brave, so strong, so kind. Youâve dealt with more danger this past year than most wizards do in their lifetime, and youâre still here to tell the tale, still smiling while you do it. Itâs a remarkable thing. I hope you know that.â
A tear caught the light trickling in from the corridorâs high windows as it dropped from his eyes, irises swimming with gratitude and remnants of pain he was not yet willing to divulge. He thanked you once more with an earnest sincerity that was so rare to see, and then left to pack his things, swearing to visit you again on September 1st.
As Harry sat staring out his window in The Leaky Cauldron at the dull night sky, knees pulled to his chest and hands clasped tightly together, he wondered how it was possible for him to feel more alone than ever, exiled from the house he grew up in, waiting anxiously for his thirteenth birthday to come.
He wanted to be back in Hogwarts. People cared for him in Hogwarts. You cared for him in Hogwarts. Here the bed creaked and the pipes clanged and the wind whistled as it came through the windows and his loneliness made him feel sick. So Harry did what he always did when he needed a distraction, he went for a walk.
The floorboards groaned beneath his weight, a small sound seeming so mammoth when laid before a silent hallway. If he listened hard enough, Harry could hear the quiet drone of conversation and drunken laughter from lingering patrons downstairs, but he carried on his path away until it was just him and his steady breaths.
âAre you lost?â A portrait asked making the boy jump from his skin. A masculine voice, deep and authoritative but complete with a soothing edge Harry likened vaguely to Arthur Weasley or Dumbledore.
Harry turned to face his frame. It was a simple model, nothing fancy enough to seem out of place in its dwelling, but polished enough to know it was revered. The man was beautiful, Harry thought. With freckled cheeks, big brown eyes, and a slightly flattened nose. He smiled at Harryâs hesitation, a small, kind thing, as though he were welcoming an old friend or coaxing a fawn from hiding.
Sebastian Sallow. Auror. 1875-1938. The golden plaque beneath him read. The last name made Harryâs breath hitch. Sallow.
Youâd told him stories of your lover many times, of how you found each other just as you needed it most, how you stayed by him when no others would and how he returned the debt in kind. Harry had almost been able to fall in love with the man through your words alone.
âYouâre Y/nâs husband.â He blurted without thinking, and Sebastianâs small smile grew to split his face, a deep laugh rumbling from his chest.
âIt is one of my grander accomplishments.â A confident content that could almost be confused for smugness settled on his face. âAnd youâre Harry Potter. Iâve heard many things about you. Seems youâve managed to quite entrance my wife.â
A dark red flooded Harryâs cheeks. âSheâs very kind.â
âShe is indeed. Though, sheâd kill me if I didnât ask what brings you here.â
Harry paused. âI couldnât stay home any longer.â
Sebastian clicked his tongue, humming in acknowledgment. âI understand. Are you alright?â
It was a simple question, one he normally wouldâve brushed off without second thought, but Sebastian seemed to share your ability of coaxing out Harryâs deepest truth. âI donât know.â
A tense beat passed between them, neither knowing exactly what to say, both knowing you would if you were there, until Sebastian eventually broke the silence. âI remember when I felt like that.â Harry looked at him inquisitively.
âChristmas in our fifth year, I had⊠a falling out with my uncle and sister. The thought of going back home made me feel ill, so I didnât. For the first time, I spent the holiday in the castle, just as she did.â
December 22nd, 1890.
A grey cloud seemed eternally settled above Sebastianâs head and the sight of your friendâs unspoken torment made your skin crawl. Ominis had just departed for Gaunt Manor, making hushed comment on the fact heâd likely be back within a week. You wished he hadnât left at all.
Your worry for Sebastian had been gnawing away at you ever since the events surrounding Salazarâs Sciptorium. You feared for the path he threatened to follow, the darkness settling into the far corners of his mind. His nose was always stuck in the damned book you found in that room, reading, searching, and scouring for anything that would help Anne.
A small part of you knew he would give his own life to absolve her of that pain, a larger part feared he would give yours too.
âHave you eaten?â You asked him, taking a gentle approach with deliberate steps towards his hunched-over frame, careful not to startle him.
âHm?â He hummed in half-acknowledgment.
âI said, âHave you eaten?ââ There was a smile evident in your voice as you pulled out the chair beside him.
âOhâ Uhm, not yet.â He brushed off your concern. You thought Sebastian was clever, but if he truly was, he wouldâve known you wouldnât let up that easily.
You sighed, standing up again and patting his shoulders. âUp.â
âExcuse me?â
âYou heard me. Up. Youâve been sat here every day this past week from dawn till dusk and I will not let it carry on any longer.â He hung his lead low and shook it slightly and you could tell he was fighting a smile. âIf you wonât move for the sake of yourself, do it for the sake of chivalry. I intend to go to Hogsmeade and donât wish to go alone. For safety.â
âYou and I both know youâd best any opponents that cross us before I could even ready my wand.â He laughed, but he was slowly gathering his things and tucking them beneath his arm.
âNot if my opponent is loneliness. Come on, Sebastian. Entertain me.â You didnât even attempt to hide your smugness as he stood by your side, holding his arm out for you to take. âHow charming.â You commented, your hand resting on his elbow as he guided you from Hogwarts.
After spending almost every day of the past three months in your company, Sebastian had come to think nothing of mindless affection.
He noticed it first in your interactions with Natsai. How you pulled her into a tight embrace after she won a round of Crossed Wands, only letting go when it was your turn to duel.
Then it was with Poppy. How the pair of you always seemed to sit or stand close enough to each other to touch in some way. How sheâd place her head on your shoulder and youâd rest yours on top of hers.
Even with Anne, who you had only just met, you placed your hands on her shoulders ever-so-softly as she told you of her strife. It seemed to natural for you to touch those you cared for.
He realised you were more hesitant to show affection to your male classmates. Youâd hold Garrethâs arm as you laughed at a joke, but always retracted after a few seconds. But the Scriptorium changed everything.
In the moment, he supposed it was mere adrenaline, that the way you tightly squeezed Ominis after his parseltounge display was a mere product of high tensions. But when he cast Crucio, he saw Ominis react in a way he never had before. Ominis grabbed you and held you close as you cried and thrashed in his arms, hands shaking as he fought every urge in him to leave you alone and fend off him own haunting memories.
After that, you and Ominis became more freely affectionate than ever, sparking more than a few courtship rumours that made Sebastianâs heart race more than they should have. The blond boy would let you lead him through crowded areas where his wand might have failed him. Youâd let him lean against you in History of Magic.
Your closeness with Sebastian was forged from a moment of weakness on his end.
A week prior to the Christmas break, the day Sebastian decided not to return to Feldcroft, youâd caught him sat on a bench by the greenhouses, watching the wildflowers billow in the moonlight. His hands were clasped before him, his knee kept bouncing, and his brows were furrowed into a deep line.
You approached him just as you had in the library, with a soft tenderness, inviting him to the Room of Requirement for some space to clear his mind.
He took his anger out of conjured training dummies and yelled so loud you had to move your diricawls to a different vivarium so they wouldnât get scared until, eventually, he collapsed onto one of the sofas you had set up in the middle of the room. The last thing he remembered of that night was your fingers combing through his hair. And then he woke up, his head resting in your lap, your hands still in his tresses. He sat up quickly, instantly aware of how compromising such a position could be.
You were fast asleep, head tilted back on the sofa in a way that mustâve been most uncomfortable. His cheeks warmed at the thought of you sitting through that for his sake. He took off his robe and draped it over your frame, smiling as you subconsciously curled around it.
From that night on, it felt like a barrier had been broken between the two of you. Sebastianâs hand would seek yours beneath tables, his touch would linger on the small of your back in Hogsmeade.
âShe always made me feel welcomed.â He said to Harry, eyes glazed over as he stayed half-distracted is his reminiscence. âShe did that for everyone.â A laugh bubbled out of his mouth. âI remember all of our daughterâs friends wanted to come stay at our home just to see her. No matter how busy she was with work, sheâd make them food and sweets and entertain whatever stories they had to tell her.â
Harry found himself laughing too, a sense of longing rooting him in his spot. He watched Sebastian, who heâd read about as a formidable curse-breaker unafraid of anything, turn to nothing more than a smitten schoolchild at the recollection of your younger memories and wondered what it wouldâve been like to hear such stories from his own father.
âWhen she passed, it seemed as though the world itself stopped to grieve. Our Annie didnât know what to do and I didnât know how to help her. I mean, how can you tell a child her mother is dead?â Sebastian was vaguely aware that he was preaching to the wrong choir, but he so rarely got to wallow in the pain he felt all those years ago and found himself swept into its storm all over again.
The word âchildâ caught Harryâs ears and made him look at Sebastian in confusion. âHow could Anne be a child when Y/n passed? She said you had her at thirty.â
Sebastianâs mind cleared, shock melting to realisation on his face as the fact youâd kept your death from Harry dawned on him. âShe was thirty-eight when it happened.â
âHow?â Harry found himself asking without care for how insensitive it may have come across.
âIt was supposed to be her final mission before retirement. Sheâd been worked to the bone for over twenty years, and if I carried on in my post, weâd have had more than enough money to carry on comfortably while she minded Anne. She was promised an easy case to finish it off, something about a loose canon in the south of France. She insisted to bring me along for âaidâ but I knew it was because the year prior Iâd made comment about wanting to visit.â
âThe case itself was fine, an old witch had written a barely legible spell book centuries before our time and passed it down from generation to generation as nothing more than mantle decoration, but it fell into the hands of a reckless wizard. Between the two of us, he was contained easily, but he had a wife who didnât know the full story. She saw none of his wrongdoings and only us defeating and detaining him. She cast a killing curse on me whilst my back was turned andââ His breath caught in his throat.
âHer valiance had always been both my most and least favourite trait of hers. She pushed me out of the way before anyone could blink.â
A heavy silence settled over them both. A pit weighed in Harryâs stomach, stoking a fire of anger at the injustice of the Wizarding World.
His mother was a kind woman. His father was a kind man. You were kind. And what kindness was afforded to you in return? A cold death by an uncaring wand? Is that what truly came from devotion? Is that what would come to him?
âIâm sorry.â Was all he managed to say to Sebastian.
âThereâs no need. Iâm with her now.â The man smiled back. âItâs funny, when we were younger, I would be so annoyed every time an artist requested to commission a painting of her because it took away from the time I could spend with her. But once she passed, I couldnât have been more grateful for them, because it gave me infinite chances to speak with her again.â
It wasnât long before Harry felt the gentle temptations of sleep crawl to the forefronts of his mind and he bid Sebastian adieu after making the portrait promise to say hello on his behalf.
Decades had passed now since that first fateful day in the potions corridor. Harry had grown from a feeble and uncertain boy to a man weathered by grief but uplifted by the love he gave and received in turn.
He recalled you saying once how you wished for him the same family you made with Sebastian and he liked to believe that he now did. His eldest son radiated a nervous energy as he hovered by the front door of his girlfriendâs parents house, his other children stood behind him, giggling at their brotherâs anxiety, Ginny stood by his side and smiled up at him with a knowing look.
It was the first time they were meeting the girlâs family, having met her once or twice in passing when they dropped James Sirius off at 9 3/4, and Harry couldnât have been more excited if he tried. The way his son seemed to glow at the mention of the girl put him in mind of how he did with Ginny, how Rob did with Hermione, how Sebastian had that night in the Leaky Cauldron.
He wondered how the two of you fared in the years since he last spoke with you. It seemed as he travelled for auror work, he found less and less time to spend in the Three Broomsticks speaking with a painting over a few too many firewhiskeys. He hoped you were well and that youâd be proud of what he managed to accomplish, that he carried on the âchosen oneâ lineage with a happy ending just as you had before.
Before he could wallow any longer, the door swung open to reveal a woman with a warm smile and brown eyes. âHello!â She beamed.
âAmelia?!â Ginny exclaimed with a bright before introductions could be made. The womanâs jaw dropped in shock.
âGinny Weasley?!â The redhead ushered her children inside to give the other woman a tight hug. âMerlin, youâve changed since Hogwarts.â She let out a breathy laugh, holding Ginny by the shoulders.
âWe were in the same year.â Ginny explained to her husband while Amelia told the children her daughter was just ahead in the front room.
âLovely to meet you officially, Harry.â Amelia smiled and shook his hand. âMy husbandâs just popped down to the shop to get some wine and Iâm finishing up the dinner, so make yourselves comfortable. Food should be ready in about ten minutes.â
Ginny went inside to greet the girl her son was so besotted by while Harry stayed back to hang her coat. As he walked toward the front room, he took his time in admiring the artwork lining their walls. They were all nice pieces, although nothing seemed to grab his attention until he saw the plaque on the last one before the door.
He could hear the fire crackling and his family laughing, but there was only one thing he could focus on. Y/n and Sebastian Sallow.
He dared not look up for fear heâd somehow misremembered the name of the woman who saved his school time sanity and raised his hopes for naught. He kept his eyes firmly in the plaque until he heard that same soft voice once again.
âHello, sweetheart. I thought youâd gotten lost.â
summary: satoru gojo is one of the most powerful and prolific mafia bosses in tokyo. he's ruthless, murderous, and absolutely insufferable. you've been his personal assistant for the past year, perfectly content with your current dynamic. but there's change on the horizon and shadows lurking in every corner. being a mafia boss's assistant comes with its perks... and its challenges.
contents: 18+, MDNI, f!reader, mafia au, crime boss!gojo, smut, fluff, mafia dynamics, blood & violence, implied torture, guns, drinking, dangerous but infuriating gojo x capable and baddie reader, it's giving tony stark/pepper pots from iron man 1
word count: 7.5k
chapter: 1/2
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masterlist | link to ao3
notes: hi there! i've been reading jade city by fonda lee, so i've been wanting to write a mob/gang au since! i'm really happy with how this turned out, so i hope you enjoy! xx
additional warnings for this chapter: eventual smut, oral (f! receiving), squirting, pulling out, cum eating, reader is bossy
Timid footsteps pad across wooden floors of Satoru Gojoâs lavish penthouse. Unfamiliar eyes searching, prying into corners, examining the modern art on walls and abstract sculptures on shelves.
FindingâŠyou.
Youâre standing in the living room, dressed in loose-fitting slacks and a sweater with a leather portfolio folder held in the crook of your elbow as you watch her freeze, caught snooping. You smile professionally at the young woman in front of you, who blinks at you in surprise. Sheâs pretty, exactly Satoruâs type, with her striking features and model-like legs that go on for days. But, unfortunately for her, sheâs outstayed her welcome for the night.
âGood morning,â you say, keeping that respectful, almost clinical smile on your face. You hand her a garment bag, keeping your eyes respectfully off her body as she leans forward and grabs it. Sheâs dressed in Satoruâs button-down shirt, rumpled and wine-stained, and nothing else. She, in turn, averts her eyes, fidgeting and looking slightly embarrassed to be standing there with you. âI had your clothes dry cleaned overnight; your belongings and shoes are by the door when youâre dressed and ready to go.â
Her eyes stay averted. âYou his girlfriend or something?â she asks.
You let out a little laugh; itâs not the first time youâve been asked, but it never fails to amuse you, the idea of dating that obnoxious man. âNo,â you say, smiling kindly. âIâm just the help.â
She nods and seemingly relaxes, now that she knows she wasnât just caught being the other woman. She turns over her shoulder and looks back towards the bedroom. âCan I⊠say goodbye?â
âThat wonât be necessary. Mr. Gojo is very busy this morning.â
She looks strangely disappointed, and you feel a little bad for her. Every girl comes in here, even knowing Satoruâs history, and hopes sheâll be the one to change him, to make him want to see them again.
It never turns out their way.
You gesture to a guest bathroom near the entryway to the penthouse. âPlease, take anything you need from the bathroom. Thereâs toiletries there for your use. Thereâs a car waiting for you outside to take you wherever youâd like.â
She just nods and turns away to get dressed. She shuts the bathroom door behind her, and you leave her to it.
As you make your way towards the dining room, the surrounding bodyguards make sure the girl leaves through the front door and gets into the car.
Satoruâs head pokes out from around the corner. âIs she gone?â
You turn to him and sigh, putting your hands on your hips. âYouâve gotta start taking care of your own problems, Satoru. I canât keep kicking them out for you.â
He grins and finally fully emerges from the hallway, coming towards you dressed in only his form-fitting boxer briefs, his hair tousled with sleep and sex. You avert your eyes as he comes to join you in the kitchen. âYou can do whatever I want you to. Youâre my assistant, my little shadow; youâre supposed to do all the shit I donât feel like doing.â
You grumble under your breath as you sit at the breakfast table, âWasnât in the job description.â
He just laughs and sits across from you, stretching his long legs under the table. He leans back against his chair and watches you for a moment with a slight smirk on his face. He nudges your leg with his foot. âYouâre not really mad, are you?â
You sigh and look up at him, examining his insincere expression, and still finding that you canât be angry at all, because this is, indeed, what you signed up for. So you just huff and look back down at your breakfast, and Satoru grins, taking it as a no.
You eat your breakfast in companionable silence, like you have ever since you were hired and moved into his penthouse.Â
When you first started as personal assistant to Satoru Gojo, you tried to keep your old apartment, citing that it was only a twenty minute commute by train so why would you relocate your entire life to revolve around him? It was even nice to get your mandated time away from him. But one month into your new job, you realized how the odd hours were affecting you; you werenât leaving until late into the night, and rising to be at his place before his morning alarm woke him up was exhausting.
So, you took his offer to move in, getting your very own ensuite and walk-in closet. It was a pretty good deal in return for dealing with his aggravating ass all day, every day.
âWhatâs the plan for today?â Satoru asks when heâs done eating, fingers interlocked behind his head, showing off his carved chest and biceps.
You keep your eyes firmly on the binder in front of you; you are all too aware of what kind of teasing one moment of staring could get you. âYou have a meeting with the elders this morning about safety for local business owners. The higher ups are concerned that, with the rising tensions between us and the Hellhounds, businesses will take a hit.â
Satoru grumbles and grits his teeth. âThis is a clan war; of course numbers will be down. At least we promise them safety and donât throw them out on their asses to defend themselves.â
You give him a stern look. âTheir loyalty and tributes pay our bills, Satoru. You need to respect their wishes.â
Itâs a conversation youâve had several times. Satoru, part of the recent movement that believes businessmen should honor the clanâs wishes and not the other way around, has never been soft on the wealthy populace like his father and grandfather once were, which frustrates those businessmen who feel theyâre not being represented. Which, in turn, frustrates the leaders whose pockets they line.
He huffs and pushes away from the table. âIâll go to the stupid meeting and put their minds at ease. Like Iâve done fifty fucking times.â
Despite his attitude, you relax into your chair. âThank you.â
He nods, walking back to his bedroom to get dressed. You take the opportunity to watch him go, watch how his back and thighs move as he leavesâŠ
âStop staring!â he calls over his shoulder, and you curse under your breath as he laughs.
~
When Satoru returns, heâs dressed in his typical crisp suit, trying to cinch a silver watch on his wrist.
You set down your folder and come over, taking his watch and helping him buckle it. Your fingers brush against the warm skin of his wrist. âYou ready?â
âAs Iâll ever be,â he grumbles, pulling away to fix his cuffs. âIs Suguru here?â
You shake your head. âHeâll meet us at the office, he said.â
You hear Satoru swear under his breath. âCanât even meet him to brief on what weâre supposed to say?â he asks rhetorically, sounding more frustrated than he actually is.
âYou know what to say,â you tell him. âAssure them that their profits will be protected while you and the Hellhounds battle, and everything will be fine.â
âI canât guarantee that!â he argues, not for the first time. âIâm not a medium; I canât see the future.â
âNeither can mediums, technically. Mediums only talk to the dead.â
He waves his hand. âWhatever. You know what I mean. I canât tell them Iâll make sure they keep making money, not when thereâs so much hostility from the Hellhounds. What I can guarantee is I wonât let them be slaughtered in the crossfire.â
You sigh and follow him down to the private garage, where his favorite cars are parked and free from threat of damage from tenants of the condos below his. He walks over to the black Bugatti and climbs in, the engine rumbling sensually as he turns the key.
You get in the passenger seat and sigh, clutching your portfolio to your chest as he rolls out of the garage. You stare out the window at the passing city. Abruptly, you ask, âWhy do you hate them so much?â
âHate who?â
âThe businessmen, Gakuganji and the others. Even Senator Yaga.â
He takes a deep breath, eyes on the road. He says, âI donât hate them. I hate what they stand for. I hate that they get to live in their pretty estates and watch my men put their lives on the line, and yet complain about inflation rising and profits falling. I hate that I have to bury some of my best fighters, and they get to dictate which rulings pass, which bills are signed. Itâs not fair. Theyâre not out here dying for the clan. Why do they get to be the ones making the final calls?â
You can see the storm in the ocean of his eyes, the turmoil in their blue depths. Itâs clear what the problem is; if heâs inherited all this power as clan leader and crime boss, why is he still beholden to everyone elseâs wants?
Why isnât he the god of his own destiny?
You donât have an answer for him.
Satoru continues the drive to the office building silently, the only sound between you the music playing through the speakers. Finally, when you reach the Six-eyed Dragons headquarters, a three-story office space above local government offices, Satoru kills the engine and looks at you.
âYou must think me childish,â he says softly, âwhining about fairness and justice in a world like ours.â
You slowly shake your head, meeting his gaze. âI donât,â you admit, just as softly. âI donât think youâre a child. I think⊠you have an ideal of what you wish this world was. Thereâs no harm in that.â
He huffs, a smile curling his lips as he grabs the keys. He glances back at you ruefully. âLetâs get inside before Yaga throws a fit and comes to find us.â
You smile back and follow him inside.
Suguru is there, dressed in similar finery to Satoru. Where Satoru wears a button-down beneath his gray suit coat, top two buttons undone to show off his white gold chains, Suguru wears a black turtleneck, form-fitting across his chest. You try not to ogle as you make your way over.
Satoru glances over and rolls his eyes. âGet it out of your system,â he sighs dramatically, nudging you playfully with his elbow before he walks over to his underboss. Suguru just gives you a friendly wink, and you roll your eyes at both of them before they duck their heads together and speak in hushed tones all the way to the board room.
You follow after them, stopping right before the threshold of the meeting room. Then, as always, Satoru holds up a hand to you and shakes his head. âNot today,â he tells you, and you simply nod before retreating and taking your seat at one of the desks outside.
He wasnât telling you that you were incapable of listening or understanding. Instead, he was protecting both you and the clan; you werenât trained to sustain torture like other clan members were in the face of questioning. If he allowed you inside these meetings, you could be a weakness to the Dragons, and you could get yourself killed.
So you sit, and you wait, like a good little assistant as Satoru and Suguru attend their meeting.
~
âSir,â Satoru says, resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose, âIâm sayingââ
âI understand what youâre saying, young man!â Gakuganji snaps, pointing one gnarled finger at him from across the board room table. âYouâre saying you canât protect us in our time of need!â
The rest of the higher ups sit there, watching the argument unfold. Senator Yaga seems uncomfortable with the display.
Satoru tries again. âIf I mayââ
âThis is the thanks you give us, those who push your legislation on drug control and violence?â Gakuganji continued. âThose who have paid tribute to your father, and to your grandfather before him? Those whoâ?â
Satoru stands abruptly and slams his hands against the table, shaking the wood with a low creak. This, finally, is what stuns the old man into silence. âIt seems,â he says, his voice dangerously low, âthat you and the others have forgotten why you pay tribute in the first place. It is not to garner favor from us, or to convince us to let you run free. It is in return for our protection during war time. It is to keep you safe, to save your lives. Not your profits, nor your businesses. That is why you pay tribute to the Dragons.â
He can feel the unrest in the room, the disapproving glances thrown towards him. He knows they donât like him as clan leader; they wish he was still a simple underboss, a man under the rule of another, simply a weapon with no direct say over what violence he committed.
Theyâd rather answer to his father, but unfortunately for them, he was dead.
Satoru takes a deep breath and continues, calming himself once more. âRyomen Sukuna and the Tokyo Hellhounds killed my father. It would call down his wrath to not retaliate. But wartimes will not treat us kindly; civilian foot traffic will decrease, as will spending at large. I am sorry to admit that. But we cannot let that be what stops us from taking revenge for my fatherâs death.â
The table remains quiet, but instead of frustration and indignation, Satoru sees begrudging acceptance in their gazes. Even Gakuganji nods, grimacing.
Glancing at Suguru out of the corner of his eye, Satoru sees that heâs smiling.
Then he returns his gaze to the men in front of him. âIf you have any questions, please direct them to my assistant, and she will get you in contact with either Suguru or me. Thank you all for coming.â And with that he excuses himself from the meeting room, breathing a sigh of relief.
Suguru claps him on the shoulder, grinning. âWell done. You had Yaga shitting bricks in there.â
Satoru lets out a huff of a laugh, but he doesnât respond as you stand from your desk and gather your paperwork. His eyes are fond as he watches you approach. âWhat do you have for me?â
You dutifully hand over a stack of papers. âI need you to approve these for me, and Senator Yaga already called; he wants a private meeting with you about the charity auction heâs having this weekend. He wants you to attend.â
âDamn,â Satoru sighs, âthatâs right. That hardly gives me enough time to find a date.â He looks quizzically between you and Suguru, like he canât decide which one of you heâd rather see dolled up as his date for a charity gala. Finally, with a shake of his head, he turns back to you. âGuess youâre coming with me.â
You give him an unimpressed look. âI have better things to do on a weekend than be your unwilling guest. Find somebody else.â
âItâs your job!â he replies indignantly.
âDressing up like your date instead of your assistant is not in the job description!â you insist, equally disgruntled.
âLike we already established, your job description is to do whatever I need from you.â Satoru crosses his arms across his broad chest. âAnd this weekend, I need a date.â
You huff, throwing your hands up. âI donât even have a dress to wear!â
So Satoru reaches into his pocket for his wallet and takes out a platinum card. He brandishes it towards you. âGet whatever you like. Just be ready for the auction.â
You growl under your breath and throw a look at Suguru, searching for sympathy. He just watches the exchange with an amused curl to his mouth. You sigh in response and snatch the credit card from Satoru. âFine.â
Satoru flashes a dazzling smile, all teeth. âGreat.â
âBut Iâm taking Shoko.â
Satoru rolls his eyes but concedes. âFine.â
You smile back at him brightly. âGreat. Am I relieved of my duties for the rest of the day?â
He sighs, but takes the folder from your hands and starts flipping through the pages. âI guess we can hold down the fort for a while without you for a few hours.â
Suguru chimes in, âWhich means Iâllââ he grabs the portfolio, ââtake care of this.â He winks at you. âIâve got it, little shadow. Go have fun.â
You thank him, tossing one last questioning look to Satoru: Will you be okay? He waves you off. âGo have fun,â he repeats Suguruâs words.
And so, because youâre not one to disobey your boss, you turn and head out of the building, digging through your purse for your phone.
You hit Shokoâs number, calling the gangâs medical doctor. She answers on the third ring. âSomething happen?â she asks, her usual greeting for you.
âYes,â you say. âSatoru gave me his card. Weâre going shopping.â
Immediately her attitude changes; you can hear her voice brighten up considerably. âOh. Great. Come pick me up from the clinic; Iâm treating a few of the kids.
You sigh. You hate it when the gangâs soldiers â the young members on the front lines day to day â get hurt. âIâll be there.â
She hangs up without saying goodbye. As is her typical routine on a busy day.
You walk downtown to the clinic, and you tell the receptionist that youâre there to pick up Shoko. She smiles at you and nods, letting you know sheâll go tell Shoko youâre here.
So you sit in the waiting room, scrolling through your phone as you wait. A text from Satoru pops up.
|| Satoru Gojo: Miss you~ :( Suguruâs a terrible personal assistant
|| You: itâs been fifteen minutes
He doesnât respond. You just shake your head fondly before slipping your phone back into your bag.
When Shoko appears, her face is drawn. âReady to go?â she asks.
âYeah.â You stand, examining the dark bags under her eyes. Your brows crease in concern. âYou doing okay?â
She waves you off. âJust need a smoke. Letâs get out of here.â
You follow her out, watching her shake free a cigarette from the box. âRough day?â you ask.
She chuckles quietly. âYou could say that.â She puts the cig between her teeth and pulls out her lighter. âItadori, Fushiguro, and Kugisaki were all injured by Hellhound soldiers. Iâve had to stitch all three of them up.â She sighs, letting out a breath of smoke. âIâm just tired.â
You look at her sympathetically. âIâm sorry, Sho.â
She waves her hand, dismissing your apologies. Youâre the only one whoâs not actually involved in the crime organization, having no say or action to do with the Six-eyed Dragons besides doing the paperwork and scheduling meetings.
You're not the one to be angry with.
âAnway,â she sighs, starting to walk down the street towards the shopping center. âWhat are we shopping for?â
You make a disgusted noise in the back of your throat. âA dress. Satoruâs making me go to a gala with him this weekend.â
âWhy havenât you two just fucked already?â she asks dryly.
You choke on your own spit.
As you cough and splutter, drawing attention from the passing people on the street, Shoko just smirks at you. Finally you croak, âWhat?â
âYou heard me,â she says. âWhy havenât youâ?â
âDonât say it again!â
She laughs, glee written in her brown eyes for the first time since you picked her up. âIâm serious, though!â
âShut up, Sho!â
She just shakes her head. âArenât you even a little curious?â
âCurious about what?â
âWhat heâs like in bed! Christ, you guys even live together, donât you ever hear him with someone else and wish it was you?â
âNo!â you cry.
She laughs again. âFine,â she says, waving off the topic, âIâll drop it. For now.â
You groan and lead her into the dress shop, listening to her chuckle under her breath the whole way in.
~
âSatoru!â you call from your bedroom.
âWhat?â comes his muffled reply.
âI need help with my zipper!â
There comes a begrudging sigh from the other room, and then you hear Satoruâs dress shoes on the hardwood floor as he comes down the hall. When he walks in, heâs adjusting his cuffs, looking at them instead of you. âYou know, for my personal assistant, you sure areââ And then he looks up, and the words die in his throat.
Youâre dressed in a mauve dress, with your hair down and makeup expertly applied. The sleeves of the dress are off the shoulder, accentuating the expanse of your throat to the top of your chest. The bodice fits you perfectly, and at the waist the fabric spills over, running off of you like a waterfall. Youâre reaching backwards to try and tug the zipper further up, but itâs caught around the bottom of your rib cage.
You huff. âCan you stop ogling and just help me?â
He shakes his head free of the thoughts swirling there and steps up behind you. He wiggles the zipper a little. âDamn, you really got this stuck.â
âDonât force it, youâll rip the dress.â You try to ignore the sensation of his warm hands at your back, his skin brushing against yours.
Now itâs his turn to scoff. âYou think Iâm stupid or something?â
âSometimes,â you tell him.
âI should punish you for that, you know.â
âPlease, spare me,â you say dryly.
You canât see him smile behind you, but you can hear it in his voice when he says, âThatâs more like it.â Finally, with one last little wiggle, he gets the zipper free, and he slowly slides it up, his fingers tracing up your spine as he does.
You shiver.
He likes that, it seems; he leans a little closer, his warm breath tickling the hair at the back of your neck. âShadowââ he says, using his little nickname for you.
You step away, trying to catch your breath. âWe should go.â
His hands, frozen in air where they had once been resting on you, slowly fall to his sides. He nods and clears his throat. âLetâs go, then,â he says, and he gestures for you to lead out the door.
You do, grabbing your clutch on your way out. Your heels make an impressive sound on the hardwood. âIs Ijichi driving us?â
âYes.â Satoru, who would usually be chattering about god knows what, is unusually quiet.
You donât have much to say, either. So your ride in the backseat of the sleek black sedan is silent. You watch the city as it passes by.
When you pull up to the charity auction, it feels like a red carpet event. Thereâs journalists and photographers lined up along the entrance, and suddenly you feel a swarm of nerves in the pit of your stomach. But Satoru puts his hand on yours, and when you look at him, his ocean eyes are soft and encouraging. âItâll be okay,â he says. âI got you.â
Then he comes around and opens the door for you like a gentleman, and you canât help but think of what Shoko said.
âWhy havenât you two just fucked already? Arenât you even a little curious?â
Well, now you are.
He holds your hand tightly as he leads you past the photographers, a dashing smile on his face as you head into the venue.
The entranceway leads right into a grand ballroom.
Satoru leads you to the front of the room, where a table is reserved for him and other notable members of society, including Senator Yaga and Gakuganji. Satoru pointedly ignores them in favor of speaking to you instead.
The dinner goes by quickly, with Satoru slowly learning more about you than he ever has, about your family and your childhood and your friends outside of work.Â
You find that, despite the fact he likes to run his mouth, heâs actually an attentive listener.
Then, once the dinner is completed, the auction starts. Satoru himself bids on a couple art pieces for the penthouse and his office, and once the last piece is sold, the ballroom starts to fill with dancing people.
Satoru looks at you. âYou wanna dance?â
You shrug, holding your wine glass. âNot really a dancing person.â
He grins. âLiar. Iâve seen you at the club.â
You scoff, smirking. âThatâs different. Iâm not drunk.â
âI can change that.â And without another word, Satoru grabs your hand and tugs you up from your seat.
âSatoruââ
âShh. Just trust me.â
And so, because you do, you follow him. And he buys you both a round of shots, letting you slowly sink into a tipsy stupor.
Once youâre happy and swaying to the music, he smiles and takes your hand, leading you to the dance floor. âI donât think those moves of yours from the club would really match the vibe here, shadow,â he says, smirking at you as he wraps you up for a slow dance.
You smile and let him, resting your hand on his shoulder. âYeah, Iâd probably give Gakuganji a heart attack.â
âActually, on second thought, I think you should.â
You giggle and rest your head on his chest as the two of you sway back and forth. He tightens his arms around you. âThanks for bringing me tonight. I was a little pessimistic butâŠI had fun.â
âYouâre welcome. Thanks for being my date on such short notice.â He bends down to put his lips near your ear. âAnd for looking so beautiful doing it.â
You let out another giggle, not moving from his chest. âYou donât look so bad yourself,â you tell him.
He huffs a small laugh, and he rests his cheek on your head. âI know.â
You roll your eyes playfully. âEver the humble one.â
âYou know it,â he teases warmly. And as you continue to dance, you feel yourself sinking into him further.
Itâs over too quickly.
He nudges you lightly, breaking you out of your thoughtless dancing. âCâmon, my pretty girl,â he says, and your heart flutters with the compliment, and the ownership of what he said. âLetâs go home.â
As he does, his words wrap round and round your drunken, fuzzy brain.
My pretty girl.
~
Itâs quiet between you as you walk back into the penthouse.
Satoru quickly sheds his shoes, and you reach down to do the same, but he stops you with a hand on your arm. âIâll do it,â he murmurs, his voice hushed in the darkness of the penthouse.
He kneels down and starts unstrapping your heels, his fingers warm and gentle on your ankles. You hold his shoulder as you step out of your shoes, finally letting your aching feet rest bare on the hardwood.
Satoru looks up at you, blue eyes shadowed. His hand trails up your ankle, up your leg, feeling the muscles of your calf. His touch is warm, like a blaze of fire up your leg, burning into your core. Looking at him down there, on his knee for you, if he wanted to he could just lean in andâ
âSatoru,â you breathe, hand moving from his shoulder to his hair.
His breath catches, and he removes his hand from your leg and stands, rising to his full height in front of you. He pulls you close, his hands on your waist. âLittle shadow,â he whispers, his lips pressed against your ear, âI needââ
Youâre breathless. âSatoruââ
He groans at the sound of his name on your lips. âPlease.âÂ
âWe shouldnâtââ
His hands come to cup your cheeks, and your breath catches as he leans in, his eyes fervent on yours. âI donât care. I donât fucking care. I need to touch you, to feel you, I needââ His words break off, his shoulders heaving with each breath, pupils blown wide.
You stare at him for a long moment, long enough that heâs starting to look desperate, aching. Finally, you whisper, âOkay.â
He doesnât need to be told twice.
His lips crash against yours, claiming and totalitarian. Itâs like heâs trying to merge the two of you into one entity, to crush you so hard into his chest that he swallows you whole. He moves his lips so deliciously against yours, so dextrous, so demanding, that it makes you weak in the knees. His arm wraps around your waist, holding you up as your legs threaten to give out. His tongue brushes against your lower lip, and you open up for him readily, breathing a soft moan into his mouth.
He grins at the sound. At the proof that you want this as much as he does. He threads his fingers into your hair and holds you there, opening your mouth further for his exploration. You sigh softly, letting him hold you right where he wants you.
His other hand roams your body, gripping at your hips, your waist, your thighs. Gathering up your long skirt and inching beneath it. Then both his hands move back to your zipper, slowly inching it down and opening the back of the dress.
âSatoru,â you whisper, pulling back slightly to look at him.
âI never shouldâve even zipped this dress up,â he says, letting the fabric fall down your shoulders, off your body, pooling at your feet. He helps you step out of it, right back into his arms. âI shouldâve laid you down and fucked you when you called me in, shouldnât have gone to the stupid fucking auction in the first place.â
You huff a laugh, tilting your head back as he starts kissing down your neck again. âYou had to go,â you say, eyes falling shut.
He grumbles, âI donât have to do anything. Iâm the leader of this fucking clan; I can do what I want.â
You smile at how petulant he sounds. You donât say anything, you just let him believe he has his own free will as boss, and let him lick down your neck, sucking little marks into your flesh. He takes a step forward, forcing you to take a step back, then another, until heâs guiding you down the hall to the bedrooms. He shrugs off his suit jacket and drops it in a heap on the floor, then moves his hands to cup your tits, kneading them and thumbing over your nipples.
He steers you into his bedroom, nudging you backwards onto the bed.
You crawl backwards up the bed, watching as he undoes his tie and tosses it aside, before climbing up after you. He returns his lips to yours in a mess of tongue and teeth, and you both laugh when your teeth catch in your fervor.
âSorry,â you whisper, head falling back as he starts kissing down your throat again.
He shakes his head. âNothing to be sorry for, pretty girl.â He pushes you down against the mattress and kisses down your chest, starting to suck on your nipples.
You hum, fingers dipping into his hair. You tug softly. âKiss me.â
âI am kissing you,â he mumbles around your nipple.
You shiver at the vibrations of his words. âYou know what I mean.â
He hums and lets go with a pop, before looking up at you. âI donât know what you mean,â he teases. âCanât know if you donât use your words.â
You groan and tug on his hair. âKiss me on the mouth.â
He moans as you pull his hair and willingly comes up your body to kiss you. His mouth is fervent on yours.
He kisses you for a while longer, tongue tangling with yours, before he pulls away, a string of saliva connecting your mouths as he breathes heavily. âCan I go down on you?â he asks.
Your pupils dilate. âAre you sure?â
He chuckles, leaning in to quickly kiss your mouth one last time. âYeah, baby. Iâm sure.â And then he slowly inches his way down your body. âCan I?â
You nod, watching him as he kisses his way down your stomach, towards your pelvis. He slowly drags your lace panties down your legs, keeping his eyes on you the entire time. Then he tosses them aside, and heâs kissing up your thigh, throwing your legs over his shoulder as he mouths his way closer and closerâŠ
Then he slowly licks a line up your pussy, stopping when his tongue gently nudges your clit.
âFuck,â he groans, his tongue flicking over your clit again, âyour cunt tastes even better than I imagined.â
Youâre starstruck, barely able to comprehend what heâs saying. And yet, âY-you imagined this?â
âAll the time, pretty girl,â he says, sucking at your clit, gazing up at you through thick white lashes. âAll the fucking time.â
Your head falls back, a soft cry escaping. Your hand tightens in his hair. âOh, fuck, Satoru.â
âOh, you like that, huh?â he teases. âLike when I suck on your clit like that?â
âY-yes!â
âSuch a good fucking girl.â He wraps his lips around your swollen clit and sucks again, repeating the same amount of pressure as before. He continues to babble between slowly working you up, eating you out like heâs savoring you. âFuck, so goddamn pretty like this.â
âYou really are, you know?â he asks after a moment.
You stutter, âA-are what?â
âA good girl. Such a good girl. You always do exactly what I need, when I need it, donât even have to fucking ask you twice. And you take my attitude and throw it right back at me â fuck thatâs so hot. Youâre perfect, little shadow, just perfect.â
âSatoru?â you say, gripping his hair.
âYeah, pretty?â
âShut up and eat me already.â And with that you shove his face further between your legs.
He groans loudly, lapping animatedly at your cunt. âOh, fuck,â he mutters, mostly to himself. âSo fucking bossy all the goddamn time, so fucking sexy.â
âSatoru, stop talking.â
He glances up at you, showing off a shit-eating grin. âIâm talking to her, not you,â he says, and then he presses a kiss to your outer lips, and itâs clear he means heâs talking to your pussy.
You go to roll your eyes, but then he moves one of his hands and slowly pushes a finger inside you.
You yelp, not expecting the intrusion. His finger is long, and itâs immediately searching, trying to find a spot thatâll make you see stars, to make you cry out his name over and overâŠ
When he finds it, curling his finger up against the top wall of your pussy against the spongy tissue there, you gasp. Your hips jump at the sensation. He chuckles quietly. âThere it is,â he whispers, diving back in to start flicking his tongue against your clit again. He adds a second finger and starts gently stroking your g-spot as you writhe and cry out, hips bucking. His free hand comes to steady your hips. âNow, now,â he teases, eyes glinting as they gaze up at you again, âbehave, pretty girl, or Iâll have to put you over my knee.â
You scoff and say, âLike to see you tryâ ah!â Your words cut off when he starts fingerfucking you with fervor, moving his hand hard and fast against your g-spot until your body is writhing beneath his. He keeps you pinned to the bed, grinning at you as he laps at your clit, riding each wave of pleasure with you.
âCome on, pretty girl,â he says, âcum for me.â
His fingers donât stop working, and neither does his tongue, and all of a sudden you gasp, head flying up to look at him in panic. âSatoru, stop, I-Iââ
He shakes his head. âNot happening.â
âSatoru, Iâm gonnaââ
âGive it to me, pretty.â
And as his fingers hit your g-spot again, and again, your back arches off the bed, and youâre shaking so fucking hard, and heâs wearing that same grin, and thenâ
A rush of white-hot pleasure, and then your thighs feel hot and wet.
âOh, fuck,â he whispers in surprise.
âS-Satoru, I tried to warn you,â you pant, body still locked in ecstasy, eyes rolled back.
âWarn me? Baby, that was so fucking hot.â He licks his lips. âLet me see it again.â
So he starts slamming his fingers, the same way he did before, into your g-spot, until your walls are fluttering and you squirt again, orgasming so hard your vision goes black for a moment.
He groans, and he looks like he might cum right there in his pants. âFuck, baby, so fucking good.â He pulls out his fingers and licks them clean, keeping his ocean eyes locked on yours.
Your gaze is hazy, pleasure-ridden. Dazed.
He grins again and crawls up your body, kissing you deeply so you can taste yourself on his tongue. You moan and kiss him back enthusiastically, sucking on his tongue.
He groans back before pulling away, panting. âYou think you can take my dick now, pretty?â he asks.
You nod, already reaching for his belt.
He huffs a laugh and lets you unbuckle the belt, one hand coming up to gently stroke your jaw. âSuch an eager thing, huh? You want my cock that bad?â
You growl under your breath. âYouâre getting a big head.â
He winks. âIâm big everywhere else; itâs only fair.â
And when you finally get his pants down his thighs, you realize heâs not lying.
He is big, long and girthy and beautifully imprinted against his tight boxer briefs. Youâre practically salivating at the sight of it, and your fingers dip into the elastic band of his underwear and slowly push those down, too.Â
His cock springs free, hard and blushing a pretty shade of pink.
You moan at the sight, eyes flickering from the pink tip to his face, where heâs still smiling down at you. âReady for it?â he asks.
You nod again.
So he grabs your hips and puts you where he wants you, on your back with your legs hitched around his hips. He takes his dick in hand and slaps your clit with the tip, watching your body jolt at the stimulation. Then he gathers your wetness and slowly pushes in.
Both of you moan in time with each other, heads bent together as you both watch the intrusion. He pushes past the first ring of resistance slowly, gently, and then the rest of his thrust is effortless until he bottoms out.
You feel like heâs about to come out of your mouth with how deep he is.
Then he starts moving his hips, and itâs like heâs ravaging you.
Heâs moving so fast itâs nearly blinding, drawing cries from your lips as he fucking demolishes you. Pleasure arcs up your spine as he thrusts into your dripping pussy, pornographic sounds filling the bedroom as he pulls out and slowly pushes back inside, groaning and praising you the entire time.
âGood girl,â he grunts, hands roaming your body. âGood fucking girl.â
Satoru grabs one of your legs and throws it over his shoulder, stretching you out until your hips are perfectly aligned. At this angle he hits something fucking devastating inside you, thrusting his beautiful cock up against your g-spot with every thrust. Each roll of his hips draws another cry from between your lips, another âOh yes! Fuck, Satoru!â
Heâs wearing a cocky grin as he fucks you into the bed.
He turns his head, licking a line up the side of your calf before leaving a quick kiss to your ankle. âThat feel good, pretty girl?â he asks, as if the answer isnât obvious.
You canât even reply at this point, fucked so good on his dick that youâre seeing stars. You just reach down and grip his muscular forearms, nails digging into flesh as you gaze at him, eyes hazy and lips parted.
He grins a little wider, clearly pleased with himself.
âF-fuck, Toru,â you whine, eyes rolling back, âIâm gonna cum. I-Iâm gonna cum again!â
Heâs never heard you call him that before. He canât deny that he likes it. âThatâs it, pretty girl, cum for me. Cum for your Toru.â
Your Toru.
At his words, your body convulses and shudders as you orgasm again.
He groans as you grip him so fucking hard it almost milks him dry. âYouâre so fucking tight,â he grits through his teeth. âFeels so goddamn good.â
You whimper, eyes still rolled back. âOh please.â
âPlease what, baby?â He kisses your ankle again.
âWant you to cum.â
He laughs softly, his hand coming down to rub at your clit again. âGive me one more and I will, okay?â
You sob, head falling back. âI-I canât,â you cry.
âYes, you can,â he says, his voice low and soothing instead of mocking. âYou want me to cum, youâre gonna have to work for it. Now, give me another.â
As if he commanded it, you climax, your thighs shaking around him as you squeeze him once more. He throws his head back, the rhythm of his thrusts finally starting to falter.
âFuck, baby,â he groans, eyes screwed shut. âGonna cum. Where you want it, pretty? Can I cum on your gorgeous face like a good girl?â
You just nod, eager to give him whatever he wants in return for him fucking you so goddamn well. And so he shuffles up your body until his knees are by your shoulders, and you watch him jerk himself off as he moans over you.
âSo fucking pretty,â he whines, and he pumps his hand up and down his length over your face. âClose your eyes, pretty girl, close your eyes and open your fucking mouth. Open it, please open itââ
You do, letting your eyes fall closed and dropping your jaw to stick out your tongue. You hear him moan again, high and pathetic, before he cums, spurting heat over your cheeks and mouth. âFuck, good girl, good girl, baby,â he chants as he fucks his fist over your face, squeezing out the last few drops of cum onto your lips.
You can hear him panting, and you open your eyes slowly to see him staring down at you. He groans. âClose your eyes, baby, I canât take looking at you; Iâll cum again.â
You giggle softly before reaching up and dipping your fingers into one of the strings of cum. You gather the sticky warmth from your cheeks and dip your fingers into your mouth, sucking them clean.
He whimpers again. âFuck, thatâs so hot.â
You smile up at him around your fingers.
He slowly lowers himself down beside you. His arm wraps around your shoulders, and he tugs you towards his chest until your head rests on his shoulder. Both of you are breathing heavily.
âSatoru,â you whisper. âI have to clean my face off.â
He hums, closing his eyes. âJust give me a second; Iâll get you a washcloth. Need a second to recover.â
You huff a laugh, but let him take his breather. Finally, after a moment, he pats your hip. âLemme up,â he says.
You roll over onto your back, letting him stand from the bed. He walks to the ensuite bathroom, gone for only a few moments before he comes back with a warm washcloth. He sits on the end of the bed and leans over you, gently cleaning off your face, quiet and thoughtful as he washes you off.
You watch him the entire time.
Then he tosses the washcloth into the hamper and climbs back into bed, tucking you against his chest once more. He takes a long, deep breath, closing his eyes once more.
âSatoru,â you whisper.
He opens one eye and looks down at you. âWhat, baby?â
âWeâre not gonnaâŠwake up in the morning and regret thisâŠright?â
He lifts his head, suddenly realizing your question is serious. âOf course not,â he says, sounding a little stung. âIs that really what you think?â
You examine the look in his eyes. âI-I donât know. Itâs justâŠyouâre my boss, you know? Iâm just your assistant, Iââ
He takes your jaw in his hand and tugs your face towards his. You blink in surprise. His eyes are hard and emphatic. âYouâre not âjustâ anything. Get that thought out of your mind now. Youâre special, and I already told you I thought of doing this for ages. I shouldâve done it before, but I was too chicken shit to do anything about it.â
You raise an eyebrow. âWhy?â
He throws up his other hand, laughing. âCause youâre you! Youâre perfect and beautiful and give me shit all the time, and I didnât want to ruin what we had. But you, in that dress tonight⊠I couldnât not.â
You giggle.
He smiles at the sound and pets your hair, tucking a lock behind your ear. âI want you, baby,â he says, leaning down to kiss your forehead. âTrust me on that.â
And so you do, and he holds you for the rest of the night, crushed against his chest. And every time you start to doubt his feelings, he tightens his arms around you, holding you a little bit closer.
Neither you or Aegon wanted to get married. Neither you or Aegon wanted to marry each other. But at some point, you figured you should make the most of what you had, and so you offer your husband a deal he cannot refuse.
A/N: ... i had something to say about this fic but i forgot... maybe ill remember later???? edit: i did not remember. i thought of mitski while entitling this so go play i bet on losing dogs ig?
Aegon only truly understood what this meant the day he was married and he was forbidden to drink a drop of alcohol.
As if it wasn't painful enough that he was going to be married to a complete stranger from some house he's never fucking heard of, he was erratic and uneasy the whole day because of the withdrawal. He loathes the preparation, the ceremony, the fucking pageantry of it all.
He thinks it was worse that you seemed to be so chipper the entire time. You smiled with a halo, skin shining with the light. You also seemingly did no wrong, judging by the praises you received from his mother and grandfather. But, who was he kidding, of course they fucking loved you, they chose you to be his prison keeper.
You did not press him once, not when you were preparing for the ceremony, not when you were at the feast, not even after the Queen encouraged you to dance.
Anyone with eyes could see from how he slumped on his chair during dinner that Aegon would rather die than circle around the room to this grating noise echoing in the chamber.
The band begins to play another song and another round of dancing ensues.
He stares at the food on the table. Oh, to be a suckling pig.
The relief that coursed through him when he could finally leave was enough to knock him out. Except, he really wanted, no, needed a drink.
He crashes on his bed, belly down, and reaches for the cabinet door on his bedside table. He feels for his bottle, hand knocking into the corners of the compartment, but he sits up when he finds nothing.
He growls in frustration upon realizing this was definitely his mother's doing. Thief!
"I managed a cup."
Aegon struggles to look over his shoulder from his position. He rolls on his back as you walk to the side of the bed.
He stares at you. You offer a glass holding burgundy liquid. Your voice is soft and kind as you explain, "your mother would suspect me if I took a whole bottle."
Aegon pushes himself up and sits on the edge of the bed, facing you. He gulps at the wine you were offering.
Sure, he may not be the brightest, but anyone could tell this scene was the epitome of ulterior motives. Aegon leans on his thighs, "why are you doing this?"
You stare a moment. You clutch the cup in both hands and examine it. Again, your voice is gentle, "you are clearly in torment. It hurts my heart."
His eye twitches.
I see. It seems you were a fucking saint.
Aegon rips the glass out of your hands, some of the wine spills over. He downs the contents in one go, then chucks the glass across the room once he finished.
He looks back at you, glaring with watery eyes. He was exhausted, he was angry, and he wanted you to know it. But you don't flinch at the sound of the glass breaking. You didn't flinch at all when he showed aggression. Why didn't you flinch?
You press your lips and sigh. You step towards him and reach out.
He nervously straightens up and tilts his head back as you approach. His breath hitches when your warm hand touches his cheek. He blinks rapidly.
"It's been a long day. Would you like me to help you change?"
Again, his eye twitches.
And then he realizes what you mean.
Ah. So, this is what you wanted?
He releases a breath, eyes lowering. Your face falls into a slight frown.
He thinks about it for a moment. I mean, sex was sex and he was game. It didn't matter how he performed, his completion was all that mattered, really. And you were pretty enough, albeit irritatingly good.
When you stroke his hair, Aegon pulls at your skirts, causing you to squeak and topple, hands flying to his shoulders for support. Your faces are inches apart. He pulls you down until you have no other choice than to sit on his lap.
You can smell the remnants of the wine he just drank on his breath. Aegon brings his face closer to yours, and you let out a soft 'hmp'. You mutter, "I gather you don't want to change, but want to get out of your clothes."
He narrows his eyes as you shift on his lap and undo the buttons by his chest. He mutters dumbly, "this is what you wanted."
With knit brows, you retort, "I've not yet told you what I wanted." You shift on his lap again as you peel his top off. Amidst it, he asks, "what do you want?"
You grunt after ridding him of his top. You fold it in your arms then set it aside on the bed. You turn back to him. Aegon's breath hitches when you fondle with strings of his undershirt. He watches your lips as you mumble, "I want you to give me a ride on your dragon."
He furrows his brows. But that's what he just said.
You stand, only to lift your skirt and take your place back on his lap. This time, you straddle him.
Aegon gulps, hands coming to your hips like a magnet. He feels you grind on him; shaky breaths leave his lips in response. His hands scratch up your back and a moan escapes him when your nails trace his collarbones.
"Allow me one trip on Sunfyre, and in return, I'll be your magic lamp," you whisper, taking one of his hands, bringing it to the side of your ribs, "you may rub me where you like-"
His heart skips when you kiss his cheek.
"-and I will grant you all your wishes."
Aegon ticks.
The next moment, he pushes you down on the bed. He doesn't bother getting either of you naked, nor does he prepare you at all in fact. Thankfully, you were already wet.
You don't have the opportunity to ask him to be gentle, to explain you were a bride after all, and it was your wedding night.
Aegon grips your skirts as he fucks you like he means to prove a point. He snaps his hips roughly into you to assert dominance, to exemplify control. Sure, you offered yourself to him, but he was the one doing the work, and you were the one beneath him.
In truth, the pace he set gave you more pain rather than pleasure. And with how pent up he was, the rough tempo he set burnt him out way too quickly before it could make any of you feel good. And when he begins to lag, you start to feel good.
You notice this change and rub your nose against his. He recoils, unused to affection when fucking. It snaps him back into an aggressive trance.
You yelp. Aegon convinced himself it was a sound of bliss.
You kiss his jaw and work your way to his ear, hoping to calm him down. He tenses at the feel of your tongue on his lobe. It stokes flames in his belly and makes him involuntarily roll his hips slower to focus on the attention you're giving. In return, his pace is just enough for him to hit that spot that makes you throw your head back.
Aegon is startled by the scratchy groan that leaves your throat. He finds himself lifting his head to spectate, but you pull him into you by the nape and groan, "like that. Please- gods - that feels good."
His brows tense and he rolls his hips again, finding the same reaction.
You wrap your arms and legs around him, uncaring of how hot and sweaty you were getting. In the heat of the moment, you reach for his lips, needing them, needing something to wrap your own on.
Aegon kisses you. He kisses you with a strange twinge in his chest. He kisses you until he has to pull away and reposition himself to catch his building climax.
In a second, he's back to his fuck-loving self, only self-serving and lustful. As he gazes upon your writhing body, catching the beads of sweat on your skin, the concentration on your face, and the way you chant his name as you part your legs for him, he's overcome by another spirit. To watch you break, to watch you coil and collapse around him felt just as urgent as his need to come.
And so Aegon rubs your clit and forces you to peak first; you do it so well he curses loudly and comes after.
He lays on top of you for a moment, the overwhelming need to be held ripples through his body. He recalls how his whores shoo him away after he's done fucking them though. Before you can cradle him in your arms, he rolls off you.
You close your legs and and watch him strip himself and sequentially change. You watch him get back in bed and bring himself underneath the covers. He goes to sleep.
He fucking goes to sleep.
You feel hollow after this, but tell yourself it's nothing personal. You repeat this as you, yourself, get up and change, sequentially sleeping too. Or at least you try. You have fight the urge to cry for hours before you do.
The next morning, you bring up dragon riding to Aegon, and disappointed as you are, you are unsurprised to find that he was unwilling to give you such a thing.
It was a plain thing you were asking for, you explain. And it's exactly why he doesn't want to do it. It's clearly some trick, something to trap him, something he's going to regret. It was probably some ploy orchestrated by his mother.
Oh gods, he thinks, it's worse. It's a bonding experience so you can make him into your puppet. Fuck. No.
So, he does what he does best, and makes an excuse, "I don't feel like riding today. I'm still exhausted from the festivities."
You purse your lips and nod, "that's understandable. Would you like for me to get you something?"
Wait. You weren't going to argue about him not keeping his end of the deal?
You seem to catch this, considering your response and the way you take his hand. You place his palm on your chest. He can feel your pulse quicken as you mutter, "I am your magic lamp, husband. I wish to please you. I will prove this until you trust me enough to grant me a ride on dragonback."
He narrows his eyes, "you would grant me wishes, all in return for a ride on Sunfyre?"
You smile softly at him, "in return for respite, yes."
He doesn't trust your smile.
"I want to visit the Grey Cliffs. I have for a years now. I went there once as a child and long to go again."
"Why?" he knits his brows at your explanation, "what's there?"
You lower his hand and rub his skin, "respite, my prince."
Aegon pulls his hand away.
Very well. If that is what you want, then he will wear your wishes dry until you find it no longer worth the trouble.
Aegon wishes on his lamp everyday, and his wife sequentially plays entertainer, jester, servant, and slave.
He makes you bring a bottle of wine with you everywhere, and pour him a cup when he wishes. He loathes how you seem unbothered by it. He loathes how you don't even correct a visiting Lord who mistakes you for a cupbearer and simply serve him some wine. The Lord is mortified when he realizes you are his wife, a fucking princess. Aegon hates how you tell the man you were unbothered because you spent your whole life being a cupbearer to your father anyway.
He makes you do trivial tasks as well, sometimes tasks meant for more than one person at a time, and yet you still manage to do them, annoyingly better than the maids. When he demanded you cook him a full course meal, you did so all by yourself, and had the servants looking at you like you were some goddess.
He ripped a hole in his clothes then made you mend it. You covered the hole so seamlessly that he poked a bigger one right in front of you. And even then you don't give him the satisfaction of getting angry. You tell him you will embroider something on top of the hole and he storms off. He overhears you telling the servants, who applaud your level-headedness, that you were used to angry men, because your father was just the same.
You use each of these moments to somehow tell him you were the perfect wife and he had to oblige your stupid request at some point.
But then he found your flaw.
Aegon asked you to play the harpsichord for him, and you told him you did not know how. The woman who knew all did not know something? He would then proceed to hang this over your head. When he asked you for food, he'd tell you how much better it'd taste if he had entertainment. If he asked you to do something physically taxing for him, he's say that he wouldn't have asked you to do it, had you known how to play his 'favorite' instrument. He would use this as the reason why he could never bring you to Grey Cliffs.
It was all fun and games, but then you had to snitch, hadn't you?
"What are you doing to that poor girl!" Queen Alicent barked, making his ears ring.
Aegon groans from where he lies in bed. His mother rips the blankets off him, making him wake in a sour mood.
"She is your wife!" Alicent yells, "not your slave! Fine, you wish her to do tasks for you, tasks for your betterment. But to insult her standing by treating her like a maid is beneath a prince, Aegon!"
Aegon feels his throat tighten at the sight of his angry mother's face, "she is my wife," he growls, "I do with her as I please."
She strikes his cheek.
Aegon's head whips to the side. He doesn't have the energy to look back at her.
"You will no longer parade her as a cupbearer. I will have it decreed you are not ever served a drop of wine if you don't."
Alicent leaves after this. Aegon's anger explodes when the door closes.
He screams and rips at his hair. He kicks furniture around and eventually drops to the floor, exhausted, furious, and hurt. This was all your fault.
He screams again and claws the tears on his face. He slowly exhales through tight lips. His cheek is hot with saltwater. Who was he joking, this was all him.
This was all Aegon's doing.
His breathing is impeded by snot. He walks over to his window and stares at the ground below. If he jumps head first, not even the best maester in Westeros could fix him.
Before he can lean on the ledge, he is paralyzed in his spot by the sound of the door opening.
"I did not know she would be angry with you," you say.
Aegon looks back.
You see his red eyes and wet skin. He is a mirror to your younger self. You feel sick to your stomach. You try to explain, "I only asked if she could find a harpsichord teacher. I did not realize she would take offense in wanting to learn to play for you."
Aegon's heart aches at your naĂŻve response. You were a stupid, perfect wife, and he, a stupid, petulant husband.
"I'm better off dead," he mumbles, looking back out the window. The call of the fall felt inviting, "want to push me, wife?"
You don't respond.
Aegon looks back at you, and suddenly you're only inches away. He tries to evade you, but you manage to catch his hand.
"We could jump together."
"What?"
Your face is blank. You part your lips, and for a moment, your eyes seem desperate, but then it's gone. You sigh, "dying is quite lonely," looking down, "I could keep you company."
Aegon stares at you. Tears stream down his face. "You're mad," he sniffles, yanking his hand away.
He walks over to his bed and collapses on it. He wraps himself in a blanket and feels sorry for himself, and angry at you for suggesting such a thing. Even now you want to be perfect by dying with him?
"I am," you mutter.
Aegon watches as you walk over to him. You sit on the floor beside his bed and look at your hands as you rub them.
"I cannot play the harpsichord, because my father does not like noise," you explain, "I was not allowed to make a sound or else I would be punished."
Aegon covers his head with a blanket but keeps his face visible, "he beat you, didn't he?"
You look at him, eyes melancholy, but still, he is the only one crying, "he beat everyone."
Aegon does not respond.
"I can sing though."
His brow raises, "how can you sing?"
"I would practice whenever he was gone, and sing for my mother in secret. It made her happy... happy enough."
He knew there was more to this confession, but he was too tired to ask about it, too tired to shed more tears.
"Would you like me to sing for you?"
"No."
"..."
"..."
"Would you like me to hold you?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
You stand from where you sat and get on the edge of the bed. Aegon watches as you slowly lie beside him. You bring an arm over him and pull him close. Aegon closes his eyes as you bring him into your chest.
You hold him until he falls asleep. Later that night, he asks you to hold him again. He also asks you to sing to him.
Aegon nestles his face in the crook of your neck. He wraps his arms around your torso, digging his fingers between your flesh and the bed. Your hushed voice reverberates in the bedroom, the song you sing is haunting and soothing. The vibrations from your chest lull him to sleep. You feel wetness pool by your clavicle but you make no note of it.
Aegon asks you to hold him the next morning after breaking fast. He asks you to stay with him in bed and to sing to him some more. When you have to leave his side, he asks to join you and waits until he can have you in his arms again.
Aegon becomes your shadow, and follows you around, under the promise of getting to share in your embrace. As you read and review letters or ledgers, your seat becomes Aegon's lap. He sleeps against you while you work without a fuss, cheek pressed against your back, arms fastened around your waist.
Sometimes, he notices the line that forms between your brows while you read and at some point, asks about it. You explain what causes it, and he is unmoved, as he is uninterested in politics that stress you. But when you read out to him, he finds comfort in your voice and asks you to read some. He falls asleep to your calm droning of circumstances he could not care less about. He groans and groggily awakens when you stop. He mumbles against your skin that you continue, pleadingly so.
When you had to leave the Keep for business, Aegon insisted that he joined you. When you brushed his cheek and explained to him why he could not go and that you would not be long, Aegon pushed you away and stormed off. You left without him anyway, and the treachery he felt was so great, he realized then how he could no longer go day to day without you. What was there to do, if you were not there?
And so Aegon desperately rubs his magic lamp and wishes upon you.
He wishes that you never leave without him again once you return.
He wishes that you promise to no longer make plans without him.
He traps you beneath him on your shared bed and wishes to be inside you. He kisses you and wishes to see you completely bared to him.
Aegon's mind is dizzy as he gazes upon the glory of your skin. He kisses your thighs, your hips, your breast, your lips.
Aegon wishes to surrender to you. He wishes that you undress him. He wishes to pull you on his body like a blanket. He wishes to see you take control. He wishes to see you cast your eyes upon him and lay your weight on his body.
He wishes to see you use him, to take what you need from him, to pleasure yourself, and to make him yours. He squeezes your thighs desperately when you moan out his name. This was much more maddening that what he imagined it would be.
He wishes to feel you come undone around him. He wishes he could forever feel the pleasure he did when he comes right after you do.
He wishes to hold you after. And when he holds you, when you lay on his chest and kiss him there, he wishes to never leave this moment ever again. He wishes to sing to you like you've sung to him.
"What are your plans tomorrow," Aegon asks as he draws nothings on your back.
You lift your head from his chest. He looks at you. You smile, "whatever you wish them to be."
He rubs your back and smiles, "I wish to take you to the Grey Cliffs."
Your expression drops, "what?"
He raises a brow at your reaction. You shift on your place. You straddle him again.
He looks up at you, noticing the line between your brows. He rubs your thighs, "you've granted me all my wishes. It's time I grant you yours." He shifts on his elbows and sits himself up, "it's time you meet my mount and-"
"We don't have to," you cut him off, placing your hands on his shoulders.
Aegon examines your expression. He listens to you sigh.
"I'd like to keep you-- wish to keep you..." you correct yourself, pushing him back down.
He looks up at you, feeling your hands rake up his body.
"...just like this," you finish, eyes solemn, lips curving into a soft smile, "I've not felt a thing like this in my entire life."
Aegon takes one of your hands and places it on his cheek. He whispers it like a secret, "neither have I."
You lean down to kiss him, "I wish to keep like this."
He kisses you back.
He is blindsided by how his wishes came to bite him in the arse. It's all crashing down on him. Suddenly, he wishes he didn't actually do any of those things with you.
He most of all wishes he heard you wrong. He wishes you didn't repeat yourself when he stupidly said, "what?"
"I'm with child," you speak slower, less excited yet excited still.
Aegon wishes you didn't look so excited. He wishes he fucking pulled out, but gods, you felt so good-- you feel so good around him, he felt so good inside you.
He realized the next moment, it couldn't be helped. You were going to have to bear his spawn at one point or another. He wishes you didn't have to. He wishes his seed wouldn't take completely. He wishes you don't take it to term. He wishes he won't have to be a father. Fuck.
He realizes he's been too quiet and you were waiting for a response from him. Your face began to twist. Your smile fades.
"Congratulations," Aegon musters. He feels like he swallowed a metal ball. His eyes wander to your belly. He mumbles mindlessly, "I suppose."
Your face falls.
Aegon looks back at you. Your face is devoid of any semblance of the glow it normally holds. You look sick. You feel sick.
"I see," you say, unintentionally allowing him to hear your voice break. Aegon's brows furrow at it.
He shakes his head, "you will be a great mother," he chuckles dryly, "you mother me so well."
You offer him a smile, but Aegon can see how disconnected it was from your eyes. You say, "thank you."
When you leave him after this, he wishes he hadn't said a word. He wishes he just left it at congratulations. He wishes he just pretended like the idea of having a child didn't mortify him and make him sick to his stomach. He wishes he wasn't so ill-suited to be a father.
Ageon no longer wishes for anything after this.
He no longer wishes to hold you, though he so badly wanted to. He no longer wishes to hear you sing, nor does he wish to hear you read to him. He no longer wishes to be around you, though his body urged him to follow you around like the lost soul he was.
He wishes he didn't wonder what you were doing at every moment of the day. He so desperately wishes to rid you from his mind completely that he drowns himself in his first and only true love, alcohol.
Fuck. He wishes he hadn't taken this route to his room. He wishes you hadn't taken this route to wherever it was you were going. He wishes he just turned around and fled like the coward he was, because then, you wouldn't have spoken to him.
"Husband," you curtsey.
Aegon stiffens and uncomfortably avoids your eyes.
You catch it, feeling your chest tighten painfully. You clear your throat and take a deep breath to steel yourself, "I thought you should know that I will be travelling."
Aegon looks at you.
"I have a ship ready and I'll be visiting the Grey Cliffs. Do not wait up for me."
His face falls. He opens his mouth, but doesn't have an opportunity to speak.
"I thought you should also know that I am no longer carrying."
His eyes widen.
"It's not an uncommon occurrence the first few months," you say simply, "I suppose the gods do not wish me to be a mother."
Aegon feels like a murderer. He wants to say something, to apologize, to comfort you, but he can't. He's too taken aback to do a single thing.
He turns into stone when you take his hand. You step forward and place his palm on your chest. Your heart is slow as you speak, "you won't have to worry about anything anymore, Aegon. Today is the end of our shared torment."
Aegon's stomach drops when you kiss him.
His eyes are glassy. You pull away before he can kiss you back. He wants to hold you, but the sadness in your eyes reminds him he is undeserving. You kiss his wrist, "goodbye, my love. I love you."
His heart thumps as you walk away.
Aegon is manic. He basks in the mess he's made and feels crushed by it all.
He finally acts after wasting so much time feeling sorry for himself. You were long out of his sight by the time he started running. This is why he headed to the dragonpit and got on Sunfyre.
"WAIT!" he screams, just as your boat leaves the dock.
Aegon watches as you run to the edge of the boat. He lands Sunfyre and runs as far to the edge of the docks as he could.
"Aegon-"
"Take me with you!" he pleads, "let me be the one to take you to where you must go!"
You look back. The ship stops. The crew brings down a boat and on it, you are rowed back to the dock.
He crushes you in his arms once he reaches you.
"Aegon," you mutter.
"Forgive me," he shudders, "I... I wish you let me do this for you."
"Aegon," your voice croaks. You push him away, "go home."
His heart drops. He breaks away to look at you. Your words feel like a stab at his thorax. It was presumptuous of him to assume you'd want him back, but it doesn't kill him inside any less.
"I've come to realize this is a trip I must go on myself," you mutter.
He shakes his head, "no. Please." He motions an arm out to his mount, "one wish. That I grant you one wish before you throw me away forever is... is--"
Your throat constricts at his words. Tears rush down your eyes, "I'm not throwing you away--"
"Please," he squeezes both your hands in his, "please, let me do this for you."
The flight to the Grey Cliffs is quiet, save for the whoosh of winds and the roars of the golden dragon you both rode. You always imagined it would be freeing, but only now did you know how it freeing it truly felt to fly. You knew now you'd forever chase the euphoric crush of air against your skin.
Aegon, who sat behind you, looks at your form as you outstretch your arms and close your eyes. Your body presses against him, and in this moment, he is unable to hold back from wrapping an arm around you and sparing a kiss on your shoulder. You are snapped out of your trance because of this.
The Grey Cliffs are dark and gloomy when you get there. Aegon realizes when you land that it got its name from the weather conditions.
He helps you down and surveys the area, trying to make out which part of this drear land was so special to you that you wished to go here.
You catch his expression and squeeze his hand.
Aegon turns to you.
You give a solemn look, "the view is better on the edge."
Aegon strokes Sunfyre's cheek, commanding him to stay before you lead him by the hand to the edge of the cliff. Once you get there, he feels queasy looking down at the crashing waves far beneath him. In contrast, you seem comforted by the view. His brows furrow at the deep breath you give out.
When you look at him, his stomach feels it, the comfort you felt upon witnessing the violent waves. Whatever it was that compelled you to this place was the same force that compelled him to kiss you.
He reaches out for your cheek, his other hand coming to you back. He pulls you close. His heart twinges when you stop him from kissing you.
"Aegon-"
"Forgive me," he cuts, "I beg."
You gawk at him. He brushes your hair which was wildly flinging with the breeze.
"You must know by now that I am craven. I lack the spine and the wit to be of any use to you."
Your eyes water. Your lips quiver.
"I would be a hopeless father, worse than my own, no doubt."
"Aegon," you babble as sobs overtake you.
Aegon, himself, succumbs to tears. He wipes the ones streaming down your face before taking a breath, "but you made me feel a love I do not deserve."
You swallow a heavy lump in your throat.
"I love you," he confesses.
"No," you pierce his heart. You shake your head in disagreement, "Aegon, this is a mistake. Bringing you here was a mistake."
"No!" he blurts louder than needed, "this was a choice," he looks down, "I choose to rip my insides out for you to devour. I am miserable, much more in the heat of your hate, but most of all without you."
His downturned eyes land on your face when you grab his wrists. You croak, "I do not hate you."
Aegon is not relieved by the admission, but he chooses to believe you mean it. He smiles softly, "good."
"But I do hate this life I live."
He clenches his jaw. Of course you do.
"You saved me," you press a hand on his cheek, taking your turn to wipe his tears, "even if for a moment."
"I made you miserable."
You chuckle. The sound makes his heart skip.
"You filled my life with purpose," you smile softly, "even when you did not mean to."
Aegon knits his brows deeply and takes your hands. He brings them to his lips and kisses them.
"But accidents happen. You must remember that accidents happen all the time."
Aegon shakes his head, "this is not an accident. Believe me when I say I chose to do this, I- ... I choose to love you."
You sob and turn to your feet.
"Please... believe me."
You sniffle and nod, slowly looking up at him, "I believe you."
You lunge into his arms and seal him into a tight hug. He hugs you back like it's his only way of surviving.
A crack of thunder startles Sunfyre. He becomes restless and steals away Aegon's attention, panicked that he might flee and leave them here.
He pulls away and takes a step towards her. He holds your hand, urging you to follow, "we should go before it rains."
You hug him from behind and press your face into his back, "thank you for taking me on Sunfyre."
"It was a long time coming."
"I've always wondered what it would be like to fly. And now that I know how peaceful it is, I'm ready to fly one last time."
He turns to you as you slowly come to his side. You hold his hand. He looks at you as you turn to Sunfyre. He promises, "I will take you on dragonback as many times as you wish."
You smile, but your eyes are fixed on his dragon. You release his hand and wrap your arms around yourself, "he is beautiful. You must never tire looking at him."
Aegon gazes upon Sunfyre. He takes in his golden scales and has newfound appreciation.
You take a step back.
"He is. To be honest, it's been long since I, myself, took him out of the pit. He must enjoy this day as much as you do."
"Aegon, you must understand that what I have to say has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me."
Aegon turns to you. He watches you tighten your arms around yourself. You must be cold. He rubs your shoulders.
You shake your head and turn him back to his dragon, "look at Sunfyre."
He knits his brows, "I'm looking."
"For so long," you release him, "I've wanted to fly free, to find my peace here in the cliffs. This was before I even met you." You point at the golden dragon, "I choose to love you too, but accidents happen, like if Sunfyre were to fly away, and you were to be left here alone."
Aegon stares at his ride for a moment as you lower your hand. He tries to makes sense of your words, but he cannot for the life of him understand.
He sighs, "what accident? Why do you keep-"
Aegon is flooded by confusion when he turns and finds you nowhere behind him. A split second later, he lets a horrified scream and the fear that claws into him makes his knees buckle. He crumbles to the ground and crawls to the edge of the cliff. He screams so loud that Sunfyre roars back and comes towards him.
Aegon watches as the red seafoam bubbles at the foot of the cliff. He watches as the crimson waves slowly slosh back into its original tint.
Rain begins to pour, and his tears taste no longer salty.
Was this the flying you ached for? Was this the relief you sought?
When he returns to King's Landing, dripping wet, he breaks down in front of his mother, weeping as he clutched his skirts.
Queen Alicent is obviously disturbed. She instructs her servants to get his son a change of clothes and some towels. She looks down at him, "what's happened? What's wrong, Aegon?"
"An accident-" he barely manages to say, "there's been an accident."
Synospsis: You arrive at the Red Keep as a lady-in-waiting to Princess Helaena Targaryen, your only expectation is a quiet life of courtly duties, a way for you to undo the mistakes of the past. But your world shifts when you capture the attention of Aegon Targaryen, the reckless and reluctant heir to the throne. What begins as distrust and curiosity turns into something far more dangerousâan undeniable pull neither of them can resist.
As whispers of war and succession swirl through the castle halls, their connection deepens, defying duty, loyalty, and the weight of the Targaryen name. But the closer they draw to each other, the more the walls close in. Forbidden love in the Red Keep is never without consequence.
In the end, dragons are not undone by steel, but by their own heartsâand Aegonâs will cost him everything.
AO3
The Dragon's Lament Masterlist
Chapter 3
Even if your mornings during your first week had been reserved for learning from the maids about Helaena and the rest of the royal familyâs personal preferences - an education meant to prepare you should you ever need the knowledge - you much preferred learning from the original source themselves. The maids spoke in hushed tones, reciting details as if they were immutable rules carved into the old stone walls of the Keep, there were no life in their words, no understanding, they couldnât fathom the reason you wanted to know the âwhysâ and âhowsâ behind every predilection of all members of the crown.
Learning from Helaena, however, was different. There was warmth in her voice when she spoke of things that stirred her soul - a soft, glowing ember that kindled with every word. Whether she spoke of her love for soaring through skies astride Dreamfire, her beloved dragon, or of the delicate insects she studied with endless fascination, her entire being seemed to brighten. Her eyes, usually so distant, would light up with a brilliance no secondhand tale could ever capture. It was a radiance born only of true passion, even when you asked her the simplest of questions - like her favorite dessert - that same spark would flicker to life, as if every answer carried a piece of wonder stitched into it. To witness it was to glimpse at a piece of her spirit that to whispered rumor, no distant retelling could ever hope to mirror. Perhaps, in time, you would come to know the other members of the royal family in the same way - not through whispered instructions from servants, but through the sound of their own voices, the weight of their own truths. You would see them not as distant figures draped in silk and expectation, but as people - complex, flawed, and painfully real - revealed not by duty, but the quiet confessions and unguarded moments that only patience could earn.
That was why, when you suggested taking Helaena to the gardens the next morning, you felt a quiet satisfaction when she agreed, knowing you were one step closer to understanding Helaena the way she deserves.
The morning sun hung low on the horizon, casting a tender, golden glow over the sprawling gardens, where dew still clung to the petals of colorful flowers like a scattering of tiny jewels. As the light warmed the flagstones beneath your feet, a soft breeze stirred the air, carrying with it the delicate sweetness of primroses and the rich, honeyed perfume of lilies, a blend so soft it seemed to wrap the garden in a tender, dreaming haze. The gentle rustling of leaves combines with the distant, melodic chatter of birds hidden among the trees, their songs weaving a tapestry of sound that felt almost sacred. Within the high stone walls of the Keep, the gardens cradled a rare and delicate tranquility, a sanctuary of peace untouched by the noise of courtly life.
Helaena walked beside you with measured steps, her gaze fluttering across the greenery, searching. You watched as she slowed near a flower bed, crouching carefully beside the petals of a bright golden yellow marigold, her pale fingers hovered just above a petal where a ladybug crawled along the edge of a leaf, its tiny legs moving methodically. The princess didnât touch it - she just observed, as though memorizing every detail.
âYou always see the insects in books or on your embroidery,â you said softly, crouching beside the woman beside you, âBut this way, you can see them as they truly are.â
She tilted her head, watching the bug as it stretched its delicate wings.
âDid you know,â Helaena murmured, almost to herself âIf you whisper a wish to a ladybug before it flies away, it will carry it into the heavens? But the wish always comes at a cost. The wings are too small to carry it for free.â
The ladybug fluttered its wings and lifted off, vanishing into the wide blue sky, before either of you could consider to make a wish. You stared at it and, without quite meaning to, your mind slipped away - back into a memory.
It had been winter.
The world outside your fatherâs manor had been locked in ice, the windows clouded with frost.
Inside, the great hall rang with the loud clatter of voices, the heavy trudge of music - a gathering of important men and women, cloaked in velvets and furs, their laughter strident.
You had not been among them.
Instead, you had crept away, slippers on cold stone, into the only place that ever felt truly yours.
The library.
It was not a grand thing, not the sort that awed guests into silence - it was small, even a little crooked, the shelves built to fit the odd shape of the room, but it felt peaceful. The air was filled with an aroma you would know until your dying day: a mingling of aged parchment, the dry, slightly bitter, leather scent and the cool, damp mineral smell of stone that would always linger faintly, especially in winter.
You remembered moving between shelves, your fingers trailing lightly over cracked spines, looking, not for anything in particular - only for something to hold the loneliness at bay.
Your hand had fallen on a small green volume, half-buried behind heavier tomes, its leather was worn, the gold lettering almost rubbed away.
You pulled it free and sank to the carpet before the hearth, the fire throwing long, sleepy shadows across the floor.
âThe Secret Garden of the Little Folk.â
You opened it and were immediately caught by the fine ink illustrations: Beetles with shells like garnets, butterflies with outstretched wings like bruised petals, moths with the color of the sunset.
You remembered training the lines with your fingertips, marveling at the careful notes written in the margins by some long-forgotten hand.
âEach wing, each shimmer of color, tells a story that would vanish with the wind if not given the gift of stillnessâ
âThrough careful hands and the art of patience, even the most fragile filigree of a mothâs wing can be granted a second life beyond decayâ
âPreservation is not merely the halting of decay, it is a tender rebellion against oblivion, a promise that such delicate marvels will not be swallowed by forgetting.â
You had turned the pages slowly, absorbing the knowledge hungrily, perhaps feeling you would need it eventually, but years later you couldnât remember the exact steps written in the book, only the handwritten notes, you kept wondering who had read such a book and fell in love with the subject.
âWithout care, the wings shatter; without patience, the colors fadeâ
Outside the library door, the music had swelled again - a wild, brassy sound you had no wish to be part of.
But here, among faded books and the dust motes dancing in the firelight, you had been content to be still in your little piece of heaven.
The memory faded suddenly, leaving a taste of ash in your mouth.
âI read once,â you mused, almost to yourself, now back at the gardens with Helaena âThat some people preserve insects⊠treating them in a way that keeps them intact forever.â
âPreserve them?â the princess repeated, as if testing the weight of the idea.
You nodded.
âYes, so they can be studied. Or admired. I suppose some just want to keep them closeâ
Helaenaâs head whipped toward you with such starling speed that, for a fleeting second, you worried she mightâve hurt her neck. Her violet eyes were wide, filled with something raw, unfiltered that shimmered just beneath the surface. Not the gaze Helaena had whenever she is on her inner world, cloudy and unemotional, nor the stare she gave her embroidery when she successfully transferred the image of an insect she had on her mind at the time to a simple piece of fabric, simply using colorful threads and a needle, with pride and satisfaction, her eyes were filled with excitement, pure and vivid, lightning her delicate features.
âDo you have it?â The princess asked, leaning in slightly, as if desperate to hear your answer âthe book?â
You winced apologetically. âUnfortunately, no. But maybe one day, we could go to the royal library and see if we can find it - or at least something similar.â
For a moment, Helaena simply stared at you, the wheels turning in her head while her gaze was still locked on you. Then, without a warning, she reached for your hand, gripping it with a surprising urgency.
ââThen we must go now. We cannot waste time.â
You barely had time to react before she was pulling you up with her, Helaenaâs fingers were cool and firm around yours.
âHelaena-â You started, but the princess was already striding toward the inside of the palace.
âI saw a beautiful butterfly in my window this morning,â Helaena said over her shoulder. âI want to keep itâ
A soft laugh escaped your lips before you could hold it back - light as silk and bright as morning sunbeams, it danced in the air, carried effortlessly by the breeze. The sound shimmered with something rare - unrestrained joy, sparked by the sight of Helaenaâs eyes alight with wonder, enchanted by the idea you had shared.
âAlrightâ You murmured as Helaena stopped walking and turned towards you, a small smile tugging at your lips as you leaned in slightly, as though sharing a secret. âBut⊠You owe me the story of this butterfly. Thatâs my price for helping you find the book - a fair trade, donât you think?â
The princess froze, blinking at you as though she had never heard such a sound before, the sound of a genuine laugh. Her grip on your hand remained firm, but her lips parted slightly in astonishment. Then, to your surprise, a soft laugh escaped her own lips, quiet, breathy, but undeniably real.
Helaena had expected yet another lady-in-waitingâanother well-bred shadow cloaked in silks and false smiles, someone who would nod along with wide eyes and flatter her with empty praise. She had met so many of them before, all trying to gently steer her toward embroidery or courtly gossip, trying to mold her into what they believed a princess should be. They never truly listened. Not really. They smiled, they blinked at her riddles with polite confusion, and then quietly changed the subject, as if her thoughts were something to be tolerated, not understood.
But you had listened.
Not just with silence, but with presence.
When she spokeâher voice trailing into strange metaphors, her words threading through meanings most dismissedâyou did not flinch or laugh or exchange awkward glances with the others. You leaned in. You stayed. Your brow furrowed not in judgment, but in thought. You asked questions, not to correct her, but to understand.
It startled her, at first. That stillness in you. That patience.
She had not expected a mind that met hers halfway across the fog. And in that quiet, in that rare moment of being seen without being studied, something within Helaena shiftedâdelicate, tentative.
For the first time in a long while, she felt as though her voice did not vanish into the walls.
It landed.
And it mattered.
Thatâs all she ever wanted.
âA fair trade⊠okay.â
And as the princess tugged you toward the palace, her fingers still wrapped around yours, Helaena realized something else - she was incredibly happy you were the one chosen to be by her side.
The royal library was a realm unto itself - a place where time held its breath and the world outside seemed no more than a distant whisper. Towering shelves loomed like ancient sentinels, rising endlessly toward a vaulted ceiling painted with dust and shadow. Their carved wooden spines groaned softly beneath the weight of centuries, as if murmuring the stories they held in secret.
Here were the sacred texts of the Faith of the Seven, their gilded spines dulled by dust, parchment corners curled with age and reverent use. War chronicles, meticulously penned by long-dead maesters, lined the shelves like silent sentinelsâeach bearing the weight of kingdoms risen and fallen, of banners sundered and alliances sealed in blood. Tales of rebellions fought beneath skies blackened by dragonfire lay preserved within cracked leather bindings, their ink faded but their horrors still breathing between the lines.
In shadowed alcoves, tucked beyond the reach of casual eyes, lay half-forgotten volumes buried beneath time itself. Scrolls curled in on themselves like the dying, their edges singed as though rescued from flameâperhaps even from Valyria itself. One bore the seal of a lost maester whose obsessive study of the Doom had driven him to exile or madness, his margins inked with desperate theories and frantic crossings-out.
And there, stacked haphazardly beneath an old reliquary, were prayer booksâworn thin by trembling handsâeach page scribbled over with a septonâs unraveling mind. His words wavered between holy verse and apocalyptic visions, ink splattered like blood across prophecies no one had read, let alone heeded.
The air was thick with the scent of old parchment, cracked leather, and melted candle wax - a perfume of knowledge and memory that clung to your skin like pages of a forgotten tale. It wrapped around you in a strange embrace, warm and stifling at the same time, like being cradled by something ancient.
You walked in silence, dwarfed by the grandeur, compared to this cathedral of stories, your fatherâs modest library felt more like a bedside table stacked with bedtime tales. Here, every corner whispered of kingdoms long fallen, of lives between ink and vellum, of ancient kings and queens long dead.
Helaena moved like a dream through the aisles, her steps soft against the ancient stone floor, her fingers gliding over gilded spines of books that caught her eye. Now and then, she paused and slipped a volume from its resting place and with eyes bright and eager, she turned through delicate pages with election. But each time, her expression faltered.
Hope flickered, then faded.
With reverent care, the princess would return the book to its shelf, disappointment veiled in grace, only to reach for another.
You watched her, heart tightening with each sigh, each near-invisible slump of her shoulders. There was a kind of nobility in her persistence - a soft, stubborn fire that refused to dim no matter how many times it was met with strong winds.
Around you, you had gathered a modest collection - A Whisper of Wings: The Language of Butterflies, The Art of the Hive: On Bees, Order and Royal Queens, The Lore of Moths and Madness, Web-Weavers and the Spiderâs Wisdom, A Court of Ants and Empires - beautiful books but not a single one held the knowledge you and Helaena sought. Not a single page spoke of how to preserve such fragile marvels.
With every fruitless search, the air grew heavier. Helaenaâs quiet disappointment coiled in your chest like a living thing, a phantom weight pressing against your ribs. You wished you could pull the answers from the shelves with sheer will alone.
The silence of the library answered only with dust.
But not for long.
A voice - smooth as silk yet firm as steel - cut through the heavy quietness.
âWhat are you doing?â
Startled, you turned too quickly, your foot catching on a pile of books. Your breath hitched as the world tilted, and your hands scramble for balance - but before you could hit the cold stone floor, a strong arm caught you.
A steady warmth against your waist.
A sharp intake of breath that was not your own.
Your gaze snapped upward, and you found yourself inches away from Aemond Targaryen.
âThe bitter one.â
âIf you ever cross him, even unknowingly, he will remember it.â
âYou will do well not to stand in his way.â
The younger prince was as striking as his sister, with the same mystical features that embodied the beauty of old Valyria but instead of the soft traits that made Helaena look like a porcelain doll, his features were sharp, almost severe: High cheekbones, strong jawline, and straight nose that lends him a regal, statuesque quality. His long silver-white hair, characteristic of House Targaryen, cascades past his shoulders in soft waves was immaculately kept. Aemondâs lone purple eye burned with quiet intensity, flickering between you and the precariously stacked books beside your feet, the other one was covered by an eyepatch made of leather.
How did the prince lose his eye? That was the question no one knew the answer to but it must have been brutal enough for this side of his face to be marked by a scarred flesh that runs from his brow to his cheekbones.
Clad in dark leather and a book on his free hand, Aemond looked like the scholar warrior you heard so much about.
For a moment, there was only silence.
For a moment, neither of you moved.
Then, as though suddenly aware of his proximity, Aemond released his hold on you, stepping back, you couldnât help to notice his jaw tightening and his hands shaking slightly as he let go of you.
You swallowed thickly, heart hammering against your ribs. âI - apologies, my princeâ you murmured, hastily smoothing down your skirts, willing yourself to regain composure. Aemond said nothing at first, merely tilting his head slightly, studying you like an unread manuscript. Then, he cleared his throat and turned his attention to Helaena.
âWhat are you looking for?â
Helaena, unfazed by the tension still humming in the air, answered without hesitation.
âBooks on insect preservationâ
Aemondâs lips twitched, and almost-smile.
Then, a quiet chuckle - a sound so soft, so unexpectedly pleasant that it sent a shiver down your spine.
âAt this rate,â the prince said, amusement dancing in his tone, âYou will find them in a few years.â
The man looked back at you and turned, walking deeper into the library. âComeâ.
Helaena followed without question, and after a beat of hesitation, you did too.
Aemond led you both through rows upon rows of towering bookshelves, navigating the vast labyrinth with ease, with the certainty of someone who had memorized every inch of this place.
Within moments, he stopped. Reaching up, the prince pulled a book from the shelf and handed it to his sister. âThis oneâ
Then another.
And another.
Helaenaâs face lit up, eyes wide with new found excitement as she clutched the books to her chest and without another words, she carried them to a nearby table, settling in immediately, already engrossed in the pages.
And just like that, you were left alone with Prince Aemond.
âWhy are you doing this to her?â
You frowned at the question. âI am her lady-in-waiting.â
âYou know this is not what i meantâ his voice was soft, almost gentle, but beneath the calm lay something sharper - something that scraped like steel against stone, assessing, measuring, weighting every word.
You hesitated, choosing your words carefully.
âShe deserves to be heard,â you said, your voice steady but tight with conviction. âHelaena deserves someone whoâll actually try to understand her - someone who cares enough to listen⊠really listenâ
You could feel the heat blooming across your cheeks before the words had even left your mouth. It was a slow, creeping warmthâbetraying you before you had a chance to hide behind practiced indifference. Speaking like this, voicing the raw, unvarnished truth, felt unnatural. Like learning to walk again on unsteady legs, each step uncertain, each word teetering on the edge of too much.
But there was something about Aemondâsomething in the way he stood so still, eye fixed on you with that piercing, unreadable calmâthat made it feel almost safe. Not soft, not comforting, but safe. Like he would not flinch from your honesty. Like he might even respect it.
And that, somehow, was more terrifying than scorn.
You knew who he was. Aemond Targaryenâthe One-Eyed Prince, the kinslayer, the warrior with a dragon beneath his command and blood on his hands. But none of that seemed to matter at that moment. Because he wasnât looming. He wasnât cruel. He was just⊠watching.
So you spoke.
You let the truth slip past your teeth and hover in the air between you, fragile and exposed.
âDo not mistake him for honorableâ
âShe was wrong about Helaena, she must be wrong about Aemond tooâ
You looked away, pretending to study the floor, your voice quieter now, rough at the edges.
âSomeone whoâll be⊠a true friendâ
Aemondâs eye never left your face even if you werenât looking at him.
Not even once.
He stood perfectly still, his hands loosely clasped behind his back, posture immaculate as alwaysâan echo of the discipline burned into him since childhood. But his gaze, that single, searing violet eye, tracked your every movement with unnerving precision.
And when at last you dared to lift your eyes to meet his, it was like being caught in the center of a storm.
His stare locked onto yours, silent and steady. There was no anger in it, no softness either. Just sharp, glacial stillness. A silence with teeth.
It held you there.
Pinned.
Frozen in place beneath a weight you couldnât see but felt all the sameâlike the edge of a blade pressed gently against your throat. Testing.
He didnât blink.
Didnât move.
As though blinking might mean missing something crucial. As though you were something crucial.
The silence that grew between you wasnât empty. It was charged. Heavy. Like the stillness before a sword is drawnâor the space between two notes in a song where the air holds its breath.
Then he spoke, and the world around you seemed to narrow.
âAnd you,â he said at last, his voice low, smooth, deliberateâcarefully measured like everything else about him, âyouâll be the one to make that effort? To understand her?â
It wasnât a challenge, not quite. But there was something in the way he said itâlike he didnât believe you could. Like part of him wanted you to prove him wrong, even if heâd never admit it aloud.
Your throat felt dry, constricted. Still, you nodded, and when your voice emerged, it was quieter than you expectedâbut certain.
âYes.â
There was a beat of silence, a flickerâbarely perceptibleâacross his face. A twitch of the jaw. A shift in the way his lips parted, like he was about to say something else. Something that might've mattered. But whatever it was, he swallowed it. Locked it behind his teeth and cast it away.
When he spoke again, it was softer.
âMost would not care to try.â
You held his gaze. You didnât look away. âI am not most.â
The air between you shifted. Not warmer. Not colder. Just⊠different. As if some barrier had thinned.
Aemond regarded you for a long moment, that calculating stare narrowing ever so slightlyânot in suspicion, but in interest. And then, to your surprise, his lips curved.
It wasnât a smile, not truly. Just the ghost of one. A flicker of something not quite amusement and not quite respect. A private reaction, barely there, like he wasnât sure if he meant to let it show at all.
âI suppose we shall see,â he murmured.
Before you could respond, a new voice broke through the tension like a ripple across still water.
âCome help me read, (Y/N).â Helaenaâs voice floated from across the room, light and unbothered. âTwo heads think better than one⊠or perhaps two pairs of eyes read faster than one.â
You blinked, the moment breaking, and turned toward her. But instinct pulled your gaze back over your shoulderâone last glance.
Aemond was still watching you.
Still carved from shadow and silver, still unreadable.
You gave a faint nod before turning to join Helaena, sliding into the seat beside her as she eagerly opened a new book. Her hands fluttered excitedly over the pages, a soft hum escaping her lips as she mumbled about butterflies and beetles. You tried to focus on her voice, on the ink and parchment in front of you.
But the hairs on the back of your neck still prickled.
From across the room, Aemond lingered for a breath longer. Watching.
Then, without a word, he tilted his headâthe gesture so small, so subtle it couldâve been imaginedâand turned toward the door.
You thought nothing of it.
You didnât see the way his fingers curled at his sides, slow and deliberate, as though resisting the urge to reach for somethingâsomeone.
You didnât see how his gaze lingered on the floor for a heartbeat too longâthe exact spot where you had stumbled earlier.
You didnât see the press of his lipsânot tight with frustration, but pursed in thought.
Because Aemond Targaryen had learned to move in the shadows.
He had learned the value of stillness. The power of restraint.
Patience, after all, had been drilled into him from the moment he was forced to look at the world with only one eye. He had watched, and waited, and listened, while others ran headlong into ruin. He had learned that what is dismissed often holds the most power. That what others overlook, he could ownâif he was clever enough.
And now, as his boots echoed faintly through the hall beyond, his mind turned back to you.
YouâŠ
You were something unexpected.
And perhaps, if used correctly, something useful.
as always comments, reblogs and likes are appreciated ⥠it shows me you are enjoying my story
Honorably discharged partially disabled Simon, who swears he is perfectly fine and capable of doing everything himself. But it doesnât really matter what he thinks says because Price sees differently. He sees the way Simonâs hands shake and how heâs started fidgeting when heâs never done that in the past, he can see Simonâs right side, the side that was crushed under rubble during an attack, he sees it shake and almost falter every time Simon puts even a little bit to much weight on it, but what worryâs Price the most is when Simon zones out and stops paying attention to his surroundings or whatever heâs doing. Not to mention now Simon has to go back and live in civilization, when all heâs known is military life since he was still a teen.
So although Simon claims heâs fine, Price gets him live-in-help, you. Youâve been with him the past week and although he rarely talks youâve learned a few things. The blinds always need to be fully open unless heâs sleeping, he needs to be able to see whatâs happening but itâll keep him up when heâs trying to sleep, so they close at night. He gets very tense when he canât see your hands, it hurts you a little to know he doesnât trust you but you understand. He can't cook at all, unless you prepare food for him heâll only eat a prepackaged dinner nothing else, of course that isn't healthy so you've started fixing him both breakfast and lunch which he accepts with a grunt but he doesnât eat till youâve started. He never takes off his mask around you unless he's eating and even still only up to his nose. Lastly you've noticed something always sparked in his eyes when you called him Simon, you haven't been able to figure out what it is so instead of risking offending him or something, you've stuck to calling him Ghost.
Price chose you for two reasons, you were quite, something he thought Simon would like, he was very wrong. Itâs probably the oddest thing about him, he doesnât like when you're super quiet you've learned it cause he doesnât know where you are or what youâre planning the other reason is Price hired you is because you were a military nurse for quite a bit so you would always be there for Simon. This was something Simon actually did like it meant he didnât have to leave his flat just to see a doctor, what he didnât think about though was the cut and bruise on his face that he would have to remove his balaclava for.
âOkay Ghostâ you paused not sure how he would react to having to take his mask off âI-i need you to remove your mask for me pleaseâ almost immediately he grunted out a why âbecause you have a cut and bruise on your face and I need to make sure itâs healing properlyâ Simon stilled completely for a few seconds before he slowly pulled the balaclava completely off. You took a second looking over his entire face before you brought your hand up inspecting the area âyour bruise is completely goneâ you whispered slightly surprised it had only been a week, you went to write it down but the moment your hand left his face he spoke up âitâs still ere, jus canât see itâ carefully your brought you hand back to his face to carefully push on his check âdoes that hurtâ âbitâ was all he grunted out, you hummed to yourself as you removed your hand and started writing, but had you been looking at him you would have seen the almost pout gracing his face.
Once you finally looked back up, placing your hand on his face âokay letâs finish this quicklyâ you say looking over his scar âI know Iâm not that pretty but you ainât gotta rushâ he said in the quietest voice. You looked up into his eyes quickly only to find them looking back at you with what you could only describe as curiosity mixed with need âGh-Simon thatâs not what I meant, your very beautiful I just thought you wouldn't want me touching or looking at your face any more since you always hide it behind that maskâ he never replied to you, just kept staring with that look in his eyes. Finally you peeled your eyes away, finished writing whatever you needed to in your book then you got up and walked away âIâm gonna fix us some lunch, okay Simon?â you called from in the kitchen already, and thatâs when Simon managed to place the feeling he had been having every time he saw you. He liked you, he had a crush, a crush! âSimon?â You called again âyeah okayâ he called back, he wasnât gonna fuck this up, not when he thinks he might have found a new purpose in life.
summary: spencer picks you up for coffee after a lecture. that's the whole fic.
who? dad!spencer reid (s9/10) x history prof!reader
content warning: references to undiagnosed neurodivergence and bullying, benji's arm fracture.
word count: 3.2k
author's note: opening event for spring-fest, hope y'all enjoy. thanks to @esote-rika for the margary kempe info
Spencer checked his hair for the umpteenth time in his reflection on the window, waiting by your lecture hall, debating whether to catch the end of your lecture or not. Before he can decide whether his desire to see you in action again trumped his aversion of distracting you at work, students spilled out of the door, carrying bags and laptops and fat chunks of reading material.
With class clearly over, Spencer managed to make his way into the hall to get a look at you⊠wearing a graphic blue t-shirt of Joan of Arc, holding a sword high with the words, âI am not afraid, I was born to do this,â written underneath and tucked into formal slacks and a black and silver belt completing your look.
His grin is irrepressible as he comes down the ramp to join you as you collected your laptop and papers from the desk, taking off your mic and wrapping the cord around the transmitter when you looked up. âHi.â Your voice is pleasantly surprised, smile matching his at his breathlessness. âWere you running?â
âYou have a lot of stairs,â he explained, his gaze returning to the soldier on your torso. âNice shirt.â
âThanks, and theyâre not my stairs,â you quipped back, gathering your things and walking with him through another set of doors. Another thing he likes about you â the way you can keep up with him. Not that heâs got a list in his head.
âAny chance going on a date with you gets me a pass to use the elevators?â Spencer asked, unabashedly cheeky, his hands stuffed in his pockets while yours are busy with everything â your laptop containing your lifeâs work, printed reading material including your copy and the students who hadnât attended your lecture today, your blazer folding over your arm, the shoulder sporting a satchel less worn out than his.
âHa, I knew it. There was an ulterior motive all along,â you cried, grinning at him as you walked him to your office.
âYes, everything in my life has been leading up to this point,â Spencer replied, quite matter-of-factly. âTo gain entry to the elevators of GWU.â You huffed with a smile, hands fumbling to retrieve your keys. âYou have your own office?â
âShared office,â you corrected, closing one eye as you dug through your bag for the key. âAll the Depth and Comparative Studies profs share one office,â you explained, âand Devlinâs on sabbatical, which means I have to cover his syllabus along with mine- ha!â You pulled out the key triumphantly, moving to unlock the door.
âYou never did tell me what it is you specifically teach,â Spencer pointed out, leaning against the doorframe as you get the lock to click free and pull the door open, Spencerâs hand replacing yours to hold it back for you, fingers briefly grazing yours. You donât catch the brief swallow and bob of his throat, leading him inside.
âNo, I was planning on leaving that for the small talk on our date,â you replied, setting your things down on your desk while Spencer took a moment to appreciate your office.
The things heâd do to make the BAU bullpen look like this. Old maps covered the walls, more rolled up maps lining the wooden cabinets underneath, literature lined up on the shelves attached to each cubicle. Organised chaos, he presumed, turning his attention back to your desk. You set your computer in the middle, organising notebooks hastily, leaving bookmarks in textbooks before putting them away, pens clattering in their cup, and then grabbed your bag, hanging the strap over your shoulder.
âShall we?â you asked, looking up at Spencer who nodded, smiling ruefully. He couldnât seem to stop doing that around you. âDid you have a cafe in mind?â you asked as you step out with him, locking the door behind you both and dropping the keys in your satchel.
âThereâs one on M Street I like,â he answered, strolling with you instead of his usual brisk march. âThey have great pastries.â
âGood, I donât settle for anything less than great,â you remarked, and though he appeared cool on the outside, inside Spencer was jumping for joy.
âIs it true you have to go through a background check to date a federal agent?â you asked, tearing off a piece of your croissant, fingers coming away with buttery flaky pastry and warm, gooey chocolate that you have to lick off of your thumb.
âWhat? No, whereâd you get that from?â Spencer asked, his voice jumping an octave as he asked, laughing quietly with his brow slightly furrowed. You shrugged, taking a sip of your coffee, frowning when it tasted bitter than youâd had it first. Spencer had taken the smarter move â coffee first, then his chocolate and sprinkle coated donut.
âSaw it on a show once, I think,â you explained, smacking your lips lightly, eyeing your croissant again. Spencer canât help but think that youâd fail the marshmallow test when your hand moves to tear another piece off. âThe guy was a con-man and he fell for a CIA agent, but neither of them knew what the other did, and he was kidnapped by âThe Companyâââ you use air-quotes, dramatist that you are, ââ and submitted to a lie detector test. Itâs how he finds out his girlfriend is a CIA agent.â
Spencer snickered quietly. âYou think the FBI is gonna abduct you and submit you to a lie detector test?â
âThe Bureauâs gotten away with a lot worse,â you quipped, tapping your nose, accidentally dabbing a light smear of chocolate that widens his smile. His cheeks are gonna start hurting any second now.
âHold on, you got a littleââ He does his best to gesture, but you miss, making it worse and he sighs. Heâs a walking cliche, pulling out his handkerchief to wipe away the tip of your nose for you.
âThanks,â you murmured, leaning back in your seat, a faint colour rising to your cheeks. âIâm clumsier than Benji today.â
âIs that how he broke his arm?â Spencer asked, watching your gaze drop to your coffee for a moment before looking up again.
âThatâs what he says anyway. Iâm not so sure I believe him,â you confessed, sipping your coffee, tsking at the taste again. âHe said he fell off the jungle gym wrong.â
Spencerâs brow furrowed slightly in concern. âDo you have a reason not to?â He watched you let out a sigh.
âHeâs⊠not exactly like everyone else in class,â you explained hesitantly. âHeâs smart, but he gets distracted easily. Has niche interests, doesnât have a lot of friends⊠Heâs a vulnerable kid.â
âIanâs mean to everyone,â Benji said, âI wouldnât take it personally.â
Spencer pursed his lips. âHas Benji ever said anything about Ian?â he asked, a hunch starting to form in the back of his mind.
âUh⊠not often,â you remembered. âNear the start of the year. Said that Ian didnât like him much.â
âDid you talk to the teachers?â
You just tsked. âThey werenât much help either. Benji denied any of it happening and without his admission, their hands are tied. They promised theyâd keep an eye on him, though.â You scrunched your nose a little. âSorry, that was a downer.â
âNo, no, itâs fine,â Spencer rushed to say, âI mean, itâs not fine, itâs awful, but thatâs not on you and⊠Iâm gonna stop talking now.â His gaze darted down to his almost-empty coffee.
âWhat about your kid? Emma, was it?â you asked, changing the conversation. âShe seems bright.â
âMaya,â Spencer corrected, a fond smile spreading to his face. âAnd yeah, she is. We read together every night.â You rested your chin in your palm, sipping coffee, admiring him as he spoke. âIn fact, studies show that parent-child joint reading is related to vocabulary aquisition and academic success, as well as motivation to read later in life, and that reading fiction books are really important in developing a childâs reading abilityââ He cuts himself off, wincing at himself, even though all he sees in your eyes is warmth and an amused smile. âSorry, Iâm rambling again.â
You shrugged, absently spinning your cup of coffee. âI donât mind,â you replied nonchalantly. âI get paid to ramble, so I get it. What did you grow up reading?â
Spencer sighed, shaking his head a little. âYouâll think Iâm just trying to impress you.â
âNo, come on, tell me,â you insisted, nudging his foot with your ankle, your smile dimpling your cheeks.
He let out a relenting sigh. âMy mom used to teach medieval literature. So, naturallyââ
âYou grew up on medieval literature?â You raised a brow at him delicately. âLike Chaucer?â
âChaucer. Margery Kempe. Interestingly enough, she was actually illiterate,â Spencer started explaining, unable to help himself. âShe actually dictated it to two clerks from 1432 to 1436. Itâs considered the first English autobiography.â
âYeah?â you asked, smiling as you listened to him talk.
âYeah, itâs focused on her spiritual journey, and how after her first child was born, she suffered a lot of pain, including visions of demons and how she was cured by a vision of Jesus Christ.â
Your gaze softened a little in surprise, a little touched by the passion on his face. Youâd never met anyone who talked about something the way Spencer did; with such unabashed dedication. âAnd you read that as you were growing up?â you asked, your voice a little softer.
The change in your demeanour, the attention in your gaze, was not lost on Spencer, and he found himself unconsciously straightening his spine, his shoulders relaxing as he spoke. âYeah,â he said, a hint of pride in his voice. âI was always pretty advanced, reading above my grade level, so my mom encouraged it, and sheâd read with me, andâŠâSpencer trailed off, realising suddenly that he was getting carried away, and he flushed a little pink, clearing his throat embarrassedly. âAnyway, enough talking about me.â He smiled sheepishly at you. âWhat about you? What did you read as a kid?â
âNot nearly as impressive as yours. I grew up on a lot of Roald Dahl books,â you replied, shrugging, with your leg swinging a little.
âThereâs nothing wrong with that,â Spencer assured, tilting his head, thinking you looked very cute at the moment, with your chin resting in your hand. âIn fact, studies have shown that the imagery used in Roald Dahlâs works is actually very stimulating and can helpââ He stopped himself again, taking a breath. âSorry, there I go, again. My point is, Roald Dahl is good.â
You chuckled quietly, sipping your coffee. "Are a lot of people bothered when you talk about studies?" you asked him, setting your empty cup back down.
Spencer paused, surprised that youâd asked. Usually, people just cut him off, and heâd never met someone who asked about him like that. âI⊠yeah, sometimes,â he confessed, a little sheepish. âI just⊠get carried away when Iâm talking about something Iâm interested in, and sometimes other peopleâŠâ He trailed off, realising that he was rambling again and flushed, awkwardly scratching at the back of his neck.
"You don't have to cut yourself off with me," you told him, shrugging again.
Spencer was taken aback for a few seconds before he could gather his thoughts. You were⊠you were asking him to keep talking, to keep going. A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth, and he relaxed a little in his seat. âAre you sure? I can get a little carried away.â
"Can I tell you a secret?" you asked, leaning in closer.
Spencer was surprised by your closeness, and by the conspiratorial glint in your eye. âUm, sure?â he said, shifting in his seat, his gaze darting between your eyes and your mouth as you leaned closer to him.
"So do I," you whispered, grinning at him.
Spencerâs brows shot up, and he stared at you for a few seconds in surprise. âYou⊠you do?â he repeated, almost disbelievingly, his brain stuttering.
"You should see my lectures," you huffed, leaning back in your chair. "I never seem to finish them in the allotted time. I have to set timers for myself to keep track of how long each segment should take."
Spencerâs eyes softened as he took in your words. You were like him, he realised, in this way, at least. A warm smile curved at his mouth. âIâll have to sit in on one sometime,â he said, only half-joking, his voice a little quieter that time.
You shrugged. "Why not? Bring Maya if you want. She seemed pretty interested in the career day talk I gave. And you clearly know enough to fill in the gaps.â
It took Spencer a moment to realise that you were actually offering. Heâd been half kidding when he said heâd sit in on a lecture of yours, but to know you were open to the idea of him and his daughter being there⊠well, it was a little surprising, but certainly not unwelcome. âYeah,â he nodded, his smile growing a little. âMaya would love that.â
"And if she likes libraries, she's free to go ham on the Georgetown campus. I mean, she won't be able to check out anything, but if you want to make a day of it," you added, just spitballing.
You had no way of knowing it, but every word out of your mouth was making the expression on Spencerâs face grow more and more fond. He was just a little in awe; nobody had been as willing to incorporate his daughter into their life like this, so quickly. âHonestly?â he said. âThat sounds great. Sheâd have a blast.â
"Plus, the campus looks so pretty this time of year, with the cherry trees in bloom," you continued.
Spencer could only agree. There was a particular scenic area around the quad where the cherry blossoms grew along pathways. Heâd taken Maya there before with Alex, and theyâd taken photos together among the blossoms. âYeah, theyâre beautiful,â he agreed, trying to keep his voice casual.
"Anyway, let me know and we can set it up," you said, shrugging. Cool and casual. He'd never met someone so easy going, someone who could unwind him like you.
He liked you. A lot. Spencer realised that with a jolt. It had been a long time since heâd met someone who he felt comfortable with and who made him feel so⊠at ease. It was a little scary. âYeah,â Spencer nodded after a few moments, trying to control his emotions, which were beginning to run a little wild. âI will.â
His phone buzzed, a text from Penelope calling him into work and he sighed. âThat⊠would be work, I⊠I have to go in. Iâm sorry, I really thought Iâd have time off today.â
âItâs okay. Work is work,â you said, grabbing your coat and bag. âI can walk you to the station.â
Spencer was a little surprised by your offer, but not in a bad way. He was quickly learning that you were just an unusually kind and accepting person, and his admiration for you grew with every interaction. âSure,â he said, grabbing his own belongings before the two of you walked out of the door.
"So, you just get a text on your phone, and you get whisked away on a case just like that?" you asked, blazer folded over your arm as you walked down the street with him, tucking hair behind your ear.
Spencer hummed, nodding as he walked next to you, his long legs matching your pace. You didnât even have to walk that fast to keep up with him, and that made him feel oddly pleased. âPretty much,â he replied. âSometimes itâs a call, sometimes a text. But yeah. We have to be ready to drop what weâre doing and go where weâre needed.â
"Huh, like Batman," you commented, grinning at him.
Spencer couldnât help but let out a quiet huff of laughter at that. You kept surprising him somehow, with the way you spoke to him, with how you thought about things. âYeah, I guess,â he mused, glancing over at you. âWeâre like the B-team, though. I donât think theyâd let me wear a cape.â
"No, I think the cardigans suit you better anyway," you said, bumping his shoulder.
Spencerâs eyes darted to you, a surprised expression on his face. Heâd been poked fun at for his cardigans before, but you seemed to actually like them, and it was a little jarring. He was a little embarrassed at how pleased it made him that you like his cardigans. âYou think so?â he asked, his voice taking on a slightly teasing tone.
You nodded, repressing a smile badly. "Yeah, plus, you know, people like warm fuzzy things, so..."
The image of you cuddling into one of his cardigans was not one Spencer ever thought would have crossed his mind, but you put it there, and it was all he could think about for a few moments. He cleared his throat, shaking the image from his head. âWarm and fuzzy? Like me?â
"Is that not an accurate descriptor?" you asked, smirking as you reached the entry tunnel to the subway, leaning against the wall.
If Spencer was being honest, you were describing him with startling accuracy. Heâd always prided himself on his intelligence, but had never gone so far as to label himself as warm and fuzzy. When it came from you, though⊠it didnât feel like an insult. He shrugged, standing in front of you. âI donât know if Iâve ever had my character described like that before,â he mused, contemplative.
"Well, I think it's accurate," you said, with a nonchalance that made his stomach flip. Why was that so attractive?
Spencerâs breath hitched at your casual confidence. There was no hesitation in your words, you just said whatever was on your mind, and it made him wish he possessed even an ounce of the self-assuredness you did. He swallowed, trying (failing) to keep himself from feeling flustered. âYou do?â he asked, his voice a little hoarse.
"Yeah," you said, nodding with a smile.
Spencerâs gaze lingered on your mouth a little longer than it should have, and he felt a sudden and uncontrollable urge to step closer to you, to press you up against the wallâ He caught himself, and he let out a long breath, looking anywhere but your face. He really needed to get to work.
"You have to go," you reminded him, still smirking at how flustered he seemed.
Spencer huffed a small laugh, embarrassed at how obvious heâd been. He stepped away from you, shoving his hands into his pockets. âYeah,â he said, his neck warm. He paused for a few moments, debating internally whether he should say what he was about to say. He took a chance. âIâll text you later?â he asked, his voice soft and tentative.
"You have my number," you agreed, unable to stop yourself from smiling at him.
The corner of Spencerâs mouth pulled up at the sight of your smile. His heart was thudding hard in his chest, but he tried to act outwardly cool. âYes, I do,â he agreed, nodding at you. âIâll use it, though.â
And with that, he made himself turn around and descend the stairs into the subway station before he did something ridiculous. Like kiss you.
single father simon (again!!!) à«źê° Ë¶âą àŒ âąË¶ê±á âĄ
the apartment building felt bad for simon riley. a military man with a newborn daughter, his lovely little ruby with her tuft of blond hair and big curious dark eyes. she was a spitting image of her father, except compacted into a chubby little girl.
ruby was precious though, which was why as simon's neighbour you made sure the riley's were taken care of. you'd often bring over leftovers, telling simon that it was impossible to cook for one person.
"simon." you said with your hands on your hips, "if anyone tells you that you can make a lasagna for one person is lying or trying to sell you something... which means they're also lying. so take it!" you weren't taking no for an answer!
you even went as far as to donate to him one of your old onsies from when you were a baby (it wasn't like it was doing anything in storage). it was a pastel pink with an embroidered winnie the pooh. when simon saw you holding her after he put it on her, his heart leapt. he wanted to put all of his babies in the clothes you wore when you were a baby.
it wasn't that simon was finding another womb to occupy, but you were simply so good with ruby. when he had to drive out of the city and to base or had to sit on boring online debriefs. you were more than happy to watch ruby. you worked from home at a lackluster office job, you didn't mind having the little girl nearby! she brought a little excitement to the job when you identified objects in your office.
"this is a stapler! you use this to i guess.. staple pages together! s-t-a-p-l-e-r!" then smiled at the girl in the playpen.
the nail in the coffin for simon was when you were watching her for an afternoon and all of a sudden you were feverishly knocking on the door. in your arms was the little girl, she didn't look hurt. but you looked scared.
"i'm so sorry, simon..." you swallowed, "she said her first word. i know it said between ten to fourteen months, but! i didn't think it would be almost right at ten!"
"what did she say?" simon said as he beckoned you inside, a strong arm curled around your shoulders as you carried ruby.
you looked at him with a big frown before you said, "goddamnit... her first word was goddamnit." apparently you were cutting peppers for dinner and nicked your finger. you said the word and she parroted it!
simon knew you were going to be his bride. his missuses, the new mother to his baby girl and the future mother of all the other riley kids.
the electricity between you two aided in your eventual tumbling into bed. simon spread you out on the big queen mattress as let that large cock of his bully the deepest parts of your sex. simon made sure that ruby was safe with another (much older) neighbour so you wouldn't worry. (you were already becoming so much like a mother, it was honestly endearing!!).
simon managed to take you missionary, the mating press and finally ending with doggy style. your sweet moans only made him go harder. he needed to breed his future wife!! did he maybe forget to mention that he wasn't using protection, maybe. there was no evidence that he did or didn't. but when that little piece of plastic came back positive, he was there for you.
he knelt in front of you while you sat on the toilet. his large hand in your hair, "don't be sad, love. you're already a mother to ruby, why not give her a sibling? a little brother to bully." he then took your hands and kissed you on the cheek, "we'll be a family. we could even get married tomorrow if that makes you feel better?"
you'd be married at the courthouse within the week. simon in his military finest and you in a dress that you thrifted only days prior. you had even made you own veil and it turned out well. your bouquet was flowers stolen from the front of city hall. daisies, roses and a few dandelions.
he pulled you in for the kiss, a promise that you two would be together forever. and the two day honeymoon with just the two of you (and technically the baby you carried) was nothing short of romantic. you stayed in the city, but you two played tourist. you both didn't want to be too far away from ruby. after all she was so small.
soon you became the mother of two with a loving husband. ruby and her future brother that was sound asleep in your womb as you laid cuddled up next to simon. maybe his methods were a little unorthodox to bag himself a proper mama for his daughter. but you melted into the role so easily.
"my beautiful wife." he said with his voice tinged with utter devotion. he didn't want another woman to be his daughter's mother! only you, and he had the ring to prove it.
you were the perfect wife to him and the perfect mother to ruby. and you'd only get better with your son on the way. <3