Endymion @nenunuvvantu - Tumblr Blog

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This is me restarting my journey of reading books on a starter level

any topics that hold my interest , i read and i note them down here

Topic 1 : PHILOSOPHY

book 1

book 2

book 3

book 4

book 5

book 6

book 7

Topic 2 : SCIENCE

book A

book B

book C

Archive of things I think about , watch and listen:

1. Moods and meanderings 2. Quotes on the internet 3. Movies 4. Music 5. Random facts

The languages I watch movies in are :

Telugu

English

Hindi

Tamil

Malayalam

Kannada

Marathi

(I might add more to the list)

Languages I watch movies in:

Telugu

English

Tamil

Malayalam

Kannada

Hindi

Marathi

reviews are included separately under the tag:

#movie dissection

#song dissection

Languages are included under the tag:

#movie language ----

#song language ----

I've created this blog to de clutter my own mind and thoughts

If you're in this corner of the internet , welcome to my mindless way of going about life

Fair warning , I'm no intellectual. I just love knowing.

Yes , yes. You might wonder why I'm posting stills when there's gifs of the movies I watch everywhere , it's for me . Just for myself.

these are the tags you can pick from: [22]

sicklylov

i'll force you to be mine forever

I never got to build an identity beyond the identities they gave me

My mother doesnt love me

And i never made her happy

Yep, her words

I should nevet forget, yeah. Never.

i guess im reading the lotus empire series again mmmm

i found my old tshirt and i dont hate it anymore

i barely think of anything but how soft the fabric feels

and i think that's when my mind settled telling me

it's all said and done now

i have no corrections to make but just keep the promise i made

mm perhaps you will be proven right someday

perhaps not

all i know is i can't hate anything any more than i have

the most difficult thing to let go of , i have

and i think im truly done now

i dont think its on either of us though , not anymore

i'll take it all as promised , always

i cant hate you, try as i may

i come up with reasons just to find yours before i'm done

mmm but i'm done though

Derek shepherd is such a loser , I wouldn't support what Ellis grey did but I will always support what she said towards the end

Tbh Meredith could've been much much better if it weren't for derek

I love friends to lovers trope

Nkt thr I'll ruin every relationship you'll ever be in or want you to be heartbroken and running to me after its all ruined

But the

I'll stay and watch you fall in n out of love with everyone but me, I'll see you smile at someone else the way i wish you smiled at me

And if there's a chance that one day it'll be us and that will last

Till the end of time, I'll endure it

I'll endure grieving what could never be

Because I know you and you know me

There's nothing else I'd rather have than you around me

Mmm I'll go back to those mornings

Knowing what's gonna find me

Im up thinkin bout somebody

Somebody i know

Will i go back to those mornings

Where there was no haunting

I know what's to become of me

If i thought of somebody new

Somebody i know

I know who I'll become now

Something thats back from the dead ?

Well i never know

Will you ever know

That i want to kiss you slow

Mmm you pull me in

Im wondering if this is all in my head

All in my head

Tales in my head

Of something ahead

Of something of someone of you

You you

You pull me in slow slow slow

Im crumbling no no no

Mhm mhm mmmm you pull in sloow slow skow

Your wicked hands know know know

That im all in im all in

Im trying not to swim to the deep end

You're used to swimming

Hold me so well

You cant say my name

I cant call it love

Im crumbling now

Mmmm

What if I find someone I was again

Something from the past

With someone brand new

Im trying im trying to not feel these feelings

Oh I need need tje distance

But i wanna kiss you slow on summer nights sumer nights

I wanna hold you close on wint3r days and falls on the way

Im crumbling down

Youre pulling me in

Im trying to stop

Im reeling it in

But you tou you you pull me slow slow slow

Your hands just know know know how to hold my own own own

Mmmmm you you you

You pull me in slow slow slow

Im reeling it in

We know im fighting it im losing it nut im fighting it as u dream

No no no

You pull me slow slow slow

And im walking close

Toeing the line

Wading the waters

Im drawing lines and its all on water

I cant find my self in this hell

You pull me in and I pull muself out

Cuz I cant do this now

But no no no

Im coming down with something

Im tryna wing it

#inspo

i miss you, i don't know how to say your name without crumbling a tiny bit

i know i said i won't be sad and i'm trying real hard

i am , i am

i swear i'm less sad than i would usually be in this scenario and i'm keeping every word i gave u , it still hurts okay?

not because you're gone but because you're suffering

what do i do what do i do

im a go getter and you're

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

i know you're not unaware of what you left behind, i know you heard more than i said

i know you see more than i let you know, so be okay

i don't know what else could i ever say

i know i know

you said you were happy with me and i must remember that whenever i'm on the verge of another breakdown

my mind keeps saying- not again not again

not her of all people , not again

how could u be so cruel , i know i'd have said the same thing

but there's no one better , no one to fill the vacuum that took your shape

there's this strange part of me you recognize

a part of you that only i get to see , i never realized i was the only audience and whoever i imagined sitting beside was just shadows at play

what am i even betting on?

i wake up at 2 and find nothing new about you

i wake up at 1 and i find no one

and i

i nearly lose my mind, what am i to do with all that you've left behind

i'm starting to hate red in your absence

who am i to banter with ?

who could ever ask me questions you haven't already pried out of me?

i'm crumbling and i know so are you

i knew you didn't find me on a whim so spill

spill

why can't you lie anymore

why can't u hide more like u once did

why

when will you find the will u nearly found once

and i almost told someone that what they've never felt i found between us

and i stalled

how did i not realize

how did i not know

did you? i feel like you did , i feel like you did

and i know u pushed me out before i figured it out

but how could you spare me all while hurting yourself

i don't understand , i have so many questions

and there you are with a list of 20 more

i don't know when will be the next time i hear them

curiosity sparks what exactly

i've spent half a decade in an year with you

and i wonder how it's even possible

god

if it's him you place your faith in, pray a lil more, hold onto some semblance of hope

the salt dusts my skin

the tears dry up before i wipe them off

my fists hurt from holding them too tight

my gut twists and turns at losing you tonight

so i wait till the tears dry

i run my hands along the salt lines they've marked

i wonder if i should get them tattooed

tonight i lose you

for how long

how kong

i dont know

but tonight

i lose you

and i love you

and i dont know

i dont know

Do you know i love a girl maa

Do you know I loved a girl

When she told me

I was hung up

I couldnt make sense of it

I only knew of love thrown at me as scraps thrown at a dog who did good

I knew of love as something to be earned

She said it so simply

You were sitting beside me then

We were talking about schedules

God I never knew something like that could exist

She said she loved me and It made no sense ma

Love is conditional

Whatever did I give her

Nothing nothing

So i told her why i hate her instead

Cuz hatred has no reason , you hated me for no reason that made sense

She laughed and I still wonder

I still wonder if that was when she knew i was broken

Oh she was so gentle like i was a spider web

A pattern

Fragile links of something that could be broken by anything

She stayed tangled maa

She willingly never moved

Did you know someone loved me maa

For no reason , but just cause im loveable

I didnt know it existed

Loving someone over nothing?

I asked her why so many times

See she found reasons later

That day was about our schedules

Why did she love me

Why did she love me then she didnt know

Did you know that existed maa

A love that wasn't a weight on one's shoulder

A bond that didn't need flesh

A word that didnt need proof

Did you know I was loved maa

And that scared me so much

I walked away with my truth handing her my lies

Did you know I still cry maa?

Mamma i still look at the wall to let my mind stray

She didnt know , I thought she didnt

But then she said she wants to watch the ceiling with me and do nothing

Did you know she could see through me ?

I was so surprised

You told me you were the only one with that magic

But she didnt even need it

She just knew maa

She gave away her flaws freely

She gave away her love like it was nothing

She was something

Did you know

I loved a girl

She called me by my name and I didn't flinch

She told me she was falling again one night

And i didnt run

She did, she did

You see how you still pull thr strings

Tell me you're right

Tell me you know me

And i almost believe it

Then I think of her

This isnt it

This isnt love

You are a list of conditions and im a weight on your shoulder

You carry it till its too much

You throw it down n pick it up when you want

Did you know I loved her maa?

I did, I did

I didnt know when

I didnt know it was a thing that could be done

Did you know she loved me so

Did you know she let go

And it hurt

But you never knew my mind fought a war

You or her , you or her

She was gone

Did you know I almost had a forever maa

Did you know

She had to let go

I wasnt a weight on her shoulders

I was the spark in her eyes

Did you know I was loved maa

For no reason

For the hell of it

Did you know you killed it by trying to kill yourself

Did you know I wasnt a weight to her maa

Did you know

Did you know love was unreasonable and easy to give?

Did you know it wasn't all logical?

Did you know she taught me things ?

Did you know I was loved for no reason maa?

Did you know I was nothing to her?

Did you know I was still loved ?

#m and m

any sensible person in the world wouldn't still love someone who broke their brain

heart breaks are common

brain breakage?

come on man

i'm so fucking done with her trying to get close to MY FAVOURITE PEOPLE

LIKE BITCH GET YOUR OWN??????

WHY TF DO U HAVE TO TAKE MY PERSON

FUCK OFFFFF

FIND SOEMONELESE

#m and m

mind craves familiarity

doesn't necessarily mean it's a good thing

mmmm

#m and m

the fact that you thought i didn't love u cuz i was finally settling into the relationship and am possibly neurodivergent is very fucking funny to me

#m and m

sometimes i stumble upon people from the past i don't want to relive

sometimes i almost forgive whatever she did

i'm guilty too

but then i remember

so is she

i dont hear her speaking of it as freely as i do

i hurt her

i did

so did she

to say i have a savior complex when she knows i only help when i care enough

to say that so simply , knowing why i force myself to care to begin with

i cant sympathize with people

and she knows

yet she said that

to confuse someone about hteir own kindness n goodness knowing they're close to your partner

to fucking fuck with your ex's closest friend knowing

knowing what is the aftermath

how can i believe this isn't about me when all she does is fuck with everything around me

i cared , i loved

and u never wanted to leave

u had to

u were hurting me just as much as i was hurting u

but u

u kept kept taking all my energy

i couldnt spend my time with anyone but you

gos what is this monopoly

i detested it

i couldnt get close to anyone

and to be slut shamed for being with someone before u

sighs

i forget

i forget all you've done cuzz all i've done buzzes in my mind

i made mistakes

so did u

i'm here feeling guilty

are you?

i cant forget that i loved you

cuz i always will, just a tiny bit

in ways where i remember your songs

and i can't stand them as much

in ways where i can see your favorite color, wear it

only to thrash it

i'm over it, obviously

i dont hate you

i dont dislike you

i hate that im over it you know?

cuz hatred kept me from forgiving u

hatred kept me from thinking of u

lost in translation werent we?

sighs

how

i've moved on n it's the same loop again

cuz i cant think of u in the same sentence as love but i can think of u when your favorite song plays

and it's everywhere

i hate your name , it's where it begun

hating it is how i could get up and get things done

i hate that i remember the look on your face and the crack in your voice

i feel like apologizing just as much i felt like i needed to run back then

and im so fucking done

cuz u are standing there pretending i'm none

and when u take my name

i hate it jsut a lil more

and i hate that the hold it has on me will never be all gone

i hate you

for someone who still loves you but couldn't care where you're gone

i hate you too much

and i hate that i do

cuz i still cry sometimes

how do i explain this to anyone

you'd get it but why

why is it that only u fucking get it

i dont want to think of anyone

but i do

why are u here

sighs

i can see right through your act

i know what u could be feeling

and i fucking hate that

can the familiarity be wiped off forever

cuz i'd like that

i don't wanna go back

i won't

but looking at u feels wrong somehow cuz

how do i

why do i feel guilty for liking someone

god damn you

you had to go ahead n put me in the bone again

im sitting infront of the jury again

i ahte it

how come

how come u get to feel okau and i dont

how come there's a count to these sins and its always tipped to my end????

sighs

why

why is moving on n nothng being the same not enough to keep my heart safe

now i know why there's no contact rules that people never break

i want you out of my mind

why are u in there again

#m and m

i was 7 when i felt like i was evil for the first time

locked up in a room , all alone with the dark

there were voices from the other side

asking me , pressuring me

"give in , admit it

you know you're guilty"

i said yes and sealed my fate

ever since, all i've felt is this guilt over hurting someone

and never over hurting myself

cause who am i

who am i when i'm not hurt

who am i when i'm not paying the price for my sins

oh there are plenty of those

they keep telling me

everytime i'm off my knees

"get down

hold your hands up to the sky

pray , pray and please"

pray and please

an entity for eternity

like i'm just meant for it

a lamb to the slaughter

a wolf to the crowd

what am i

what am i when i'm not guilty

what am i if not a sinner

oh there are plenty

plenty of sins

and i wonder what new reasons i'll find

to let my knees keep bleeding

to let my arms grow heavy as i hold them up

when i'm on my feet , i rarely accept defeat

my anger consumes every single nerve ending

and i'm sittign there watching myself ruin everything

on my knees again

praying and praying

someone

let me come clean

dont get too close

you'll be cursed

god knows i was never meant to be loved

so i hurt myself lest i hurt someone

i walk all alone lest i get used to having someone

someone spare me

i cant seem to find the key that sealed my fate

do i have my ribs cracked , my arms torn

Must i have my eyes taken and my words burned

do i have my voice locked and my feet broken

what will it take

i suppose i sealed my fate the third time i broke someone

what will it take

for this karmic cycle to stop

a sinner , a sinner , that's all the say as they watch me walk out

a sinner , a sinner, that's all i'll ever be

#m and m

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