Hah! This was the first time I enrolled in summer and it’s for my internship. Aaand it’s finally over. Technically speaking, my 200-hour ojt ended more than a week ago, but all the paperwork's done and I can finally say that I’m a senior and thesis is my upcoming challenge. Woohoo!
Soooooo…..
I’m getting bored and I want the first term to start.
This post may be horrifying, and/or at the same time enlighten your perception about me. Purely personal. I don’t intend to hurt/affect/involve someone with this post. This is everything about and deal with it. If you can’t, then just leave.
(Long post. Long story short, don’t mess with me because I am sort of playful with my words and actions, and everything in this world is my game.)
I am usually seen alone, or with the company of my boyfriend, or with a small group of friends. I tend to be quiet in a conversation, only loquacious when people talk to me, or I have an important and exciting thing to say. Well, I actually tend to be quiet everywhere. I don’t talk to people unless I got something important to say/share. I never took initiative in a conversation with a stranger, or someone I don’t usually talk with because I don’t exactly know what I should share or ask. I have a communication anxiety, and sometimes it’s just plain scary or stupid.
I am the type of person who does not actually care for things, unless I see them disorganized and/or unsymmetrically in order. My friends tell me that I have an OCD, but the real reason I put things in order and arrange them in such is because I easily get bored. I’m the kind who has so much in mind that simple things bore me out. To escape boredom, I arrange things. The same goes on why I take notes. I feel like not being able to this simple yet ‘complex’ stuff can make me die out of boredom. After all, doing those things gives me so much benefits in academics and personal tidiness.
When I do get bored, I think of the possibilities of the future. On what should I do next, on where would I go after the present, or what should I eat and wear today and tomorrow. I often wonder about what my life could be after a few years and honestly, I get scared when I suddenly think that all of these things are just bliss, and I will die eventually. I get so scared that it makes me wanna pull back myself back into the present, and enjoy it. But no, I keep thinking about the future and it gives me more excitement. Every time that ‘thing’ hits me, I would tell myself, “Think of this as a life hack. Thinking about the future can buy you time. Instead of worrying of what could happen, make things work the way you wanted it to work. Think of other possibilities and all the goals that you need to accomplish. Think quick and think logically. There’s always a reason for something on why it will happen. Think of the things that may affect you, directly or indirectly. Plan things and make it work.” It is somewhat like a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it can also work as a motivation for my goals.
Oftentimes, I like being criticized harshly, and my faults being pointed out. It feels like it makes me human and makes me think that I have emotions and I have room for improvement. I tend to cry even on the simplest things that a person would say to me in a bad sense, it makes me feel that I’m not different from anybody else. That I’m ~you man too~. Honestly, I am not the showy kind of person. I don’t let my real emotions be shown to people, even if I’m close with them. Maybe a few times I get really sad, or angry. If I did let my emotions show all the time, I would rage up because I’m perpetually angry. I get mad easily at illogical and unreasonable things. I get mad when people feel and act stupid. I just condition myself whether not to care, or just laugh about it. The phrase, “I may have smiled at you and may have killed 20 times over and over again inside my head for acting stupid.” is really relevant to me. People may not know this because they’ll get hurt and they really shouldn’t care about what I think anyway. Even I, sometimes don’t know whether or not I am being genuine with my relationships with other people. But do know that I am sensitive enough to know what they feel towards me and it’s up to me how to respond with those things. It’s quite complicated, but I know that my feelings for those special and dear to me are real and unwavering.
Another problem of mine is that I judge people. I hate myself for it. I hate that fact that I judge them towards the attitude they show in their surroundings. Not necessarily towards me, but on how they act to the persons/to the world. Most of the time I get mad at them, but as I mature I realize that they are a complete waste of time and people should be what they wanna be. I should just react when they do it right in my face and/or I am directly involved. Otherwise, I will never give a shit. Lol
People also tend to look at me as a sophisticated woman. They look up to me cos they think that I know a lot of things, when in fact I don’t. lol. Most the time, people would tell me that I’m a genius, and I’m smart, and I did deserve all the merits that I have. But in reality, I’m never smart. I actually find myself being dumb at times. I actually just afraid of failing and losing at my courses and I just put a lot of effort in what I know I could excel in. When I was in highschool, I was never at the top. I was always placed at the bottom half. I knew I could get to the top, but I wasn’t really sure of myself back then. I was/am afraid being recognized by people and I usually stay quiet. I guess the college peeps broke my quietness and let my confidence boost up.
I love being independent with what I do. I hate being told on how should I act, think, or feel. I have my own reasons and I have my own ways. I don’t like being dependent on people that much, but I realize that it is not inevitable. I have to be in a group. I need to have someone to talk to and let my emotions fill in. I have to sort of ‘fake things’ so that they won’t call me a know-it-all and be intimidated. I have to have a mask because I’m too afraid. I dislike being suppressed in my talents and my knowledge of things. I don’t like not being to say what I feel, but most of the times the correct words and phrases won’t come in to me when the moment is there. On the contrary of independence, I love instructions. It can make me do things accurately and precisely cos I don’t want spill-overs and mistakes. I am perfectionist. And it sucks.
A person who’s reading this for the first time would hate me, for not being true to myself and for being so blunt. A person who’s reading this for the first time and knows me for quite a while would be dumbfounded and question me, “Are you really like that?”
Yes. This is what I am truly. No holds barred, no faking of things. This is what’s going on my head ever since. I keep a mask for people because I don’t want to be left out, I don’t want to feel so negative about life and I want to feel human. I want to be like everyone else. I want to feel like everyone else, but I couldn’t feel it. I can feel only that I’m faking it cos I the real me is always deep down under and is always angry with the world. I may smile, laugh, cry, and feel empathetic, but that only makes me think that I should do that for the person so that I would could make myself be/feel affected. Honestly, I am frustrated. I don’t know if some people do know me, or some people just know the ‘other’ side of me where things are fun, happy, and spontaneous. But I’m not that. I’m never like that.
If you’ve met that kind of Pam, then you just met a mask. I can perceive you as a shallow human being. As someone who can just see things because you never really care about peoples’ insight on things. I can tell you that I’m dead inside or just a complex maze. It’s your turn to figure it out.
Please bear with me, if you cannot understand all of those things I just said. If you think you do, then you’re wrong. If you think you’re right then you must be out of your mind. Or maybe all of these things are just bluff. Maybe this two-page writing is just pure nonsense and I may be playing with your mind. Or not.
It’s your decision to perceive me, but don’t dare to judge me.
Ang tanga ko kasi. Alam mo yung feeling ng wala ka naman ginagawang masama at alam mong ikaw yung nasa tama? Tapos bigla nalang ikaw sasaktan? Bigla ka nalang masasagasaan ng hindi mo nalalaman.
PUCHA MASAKIT.
Kanina kasi, patawid na ako sa may Calamba Doctors' Hospital papunta sa school. Around 8:05am yun and medyo malelate na ako for online journ. Pero hindi naman ako nagmamadali kasi lab class naman namin. So ayun nga, patawid ako. Nakalampas na ako sa left side at nakatingin na ako sa right side ko pati yung mga kasabay ko. Then biglang may motor na bumangga sa left ko. PUNYETA. Hindi nagregister agad sa utak ko na nabangga ako kasi hindi ko rin agad nakita. Syempre hindi ako nakakakita sa left eye ko, so wala din ako peripheral view doon. Nagulat nalang ako may impact at may motor na sa tagiliran ko. Sa sobrang gulat hindi ako nakapagsalita at dumerecho lang sa pag tawid. Inakay ako nung kasabay ko tapos sumakay na sa jeep. Nawala sa isip ko na murahin yung dude na nakabangga sakin saka kunin yung plate number nya. Naisip ko kasi na malelate ako sa class and ayoko magka-absent.
Ewan ko. Sumakit nalang yung left foot and thigh ko pati yung left arm ko. Pero nakapasok ako sa school. Pinilit ko maglakad kahit iika-ika. Sinasabi ko na okay lang ako. Okay naman talaga e. "Masakit lang yan. Mawawala din yan." Palagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko.
Syempre nagalit sakin si boyfie saka parents ko. Pero alam naman nila na hindi ko kasalanan. Nagalit sila kasi di ko daw sinabi agad. Pag sinabi ko kasi agad, magiging hysterical. Pag di ko sinabi agad, magagalit. Ano ba talaga? Birthday pa naman ngayon ni daddy. Nung sinabi ko sa kanya kasi sinundo nya ako, naiiyak-iyak pa sya. Ako nalang yung naawa para sa kanya. Wala naman pasa, nagkaroon lang ng maga yung left foot ko. Gusto ko nga hayaan nalang e, kasi alam ko okay lang naman ako. Pero ano nga ba. lol
FUNNY SIDE STORY:
So dinala ako ni boyfie sa clinic sa school. Tapos pinagalitan pa ako ng nurse. E di nakinig nalang ako. Then binigyan nya ako ng gamot. Mefenamic acid. Tapos elevator pass. Dahil late na ako for my next class, di ko muna ininom yung gamot. Pagpasok ko sa Rizal, napa-titig ako dun sa gamot na hawak ko. SOLMUX yung nakalagay. Nakakabadtrip. Hindi parin ako umiinom ng gamot hanggang ngayon.
OMG! Highest GWA in like, forever!!!!!!! 😄😄😄 Sobrang naiiyak ako, call me OA pero totoong nakakaiyak tong moment na to kasi lahat ng hirap, pagod, at mga pimples ko worth it para dito! Whoooo!! Thank you Lord, for giving me the strength para matapos tong napakahirap at napakahabang term na to. Thank you kasi sobrang dami kong sacrifices saka sa mga pagsubok this term. Thank you mom and dad, for believing in me. Kahit di na ako minsan natutulog or kumakain, thank you kasi naniniwala kayong kaya ko. Thank you sa mga friends ko, KIMOCHI and IGNITE 2014 huhu thank you sa pagpapakopya ng assignments HAHAHAHAHA loljk de thank you kasi kung wala kayo, hindi ko kaya tong term na to mag-isa. Hart hart Thank you Honey, Geomannnn! Dami nating compromises dahil sobrang busy natin. Everything was worth it. Thank you sa mga profs ko na nagbigay ng #BlueChristmas!!! Thank you po, sobra! :) Hahahahaha parang pang Miss Universe na tong post ko and alam kong ang OA, pero sobrang overwhelmed ako ngayon sa tuwa, first time kong mapush sarili ko sa ganito. Weehoo! 😄👏🙌 #lens #lens #lens ❤️
25 Things To Do Before You Turn 25
1. Make peace with your parents. Whether you finally recognize that they actually have your best interests in mind or you forgive them for being flawed human beings, you can’t happily enter adulthood with that familial brand of resentment.
2. Kiss someone you think is out of your league; kiss models and med students and entrepreneurs with part-time lives in Dubai and don’t worry about if they’re going to call you afterward.
3. Minimize your passivity.
4. Work a service job to gain some understanding of how tipping works, how to keep your cool around assholes, how a few kind words can change someone’s day.
5. Recognize freedom as a 5:30 a.m. trip to the diner with a bunch of strangers you’ve just met.
6. Try not to beat yourself up over having obtained a ‘useless’ Bachelor’s Degree. Debt is hell, and things didn’t pan out quite like you expected, but you did get to go to college, and having a degree isn’t the worst thing in the world to have. We will figure this mess out, I think, probably; the point is you’re not worth less just because there hasn’t been an immediate pay off for going to school. Be patient, work with what you have, and remember that a lot of us are in this together.
7. If you’re employed in any capacity, open a savings account. You never know when you might be unemployed or in desperate need of getting away for a few days. Even $10 a week is $520 more a year than you would’ve had otherwise.
8. Make a habit of going outside, enjoying the light, relearning your friends, forgetting the internet.
9. Go on a 4-day, brunch-fueled bender.
10. Start a relationship with your crush by telling them that you want them. Directly. Like, look them in the face and say it to them. Say, I want you. I want to be with you.
11. Learn to say ‘no’ — to yourself. Don’t keep wearing high heels if you hate them; don’t keep smoking if you’re disgusted by the way you smell the morning after; stop wasting entire days on your couch if you’re going to complain about missing the sun.
12. Take time to revisit the places that made you who you are: the apartment you grew up in, your middle school, your hometown. These places may or may not be here forever; you definitely won’t be.
13. Find a hobby that makes being alone feel lovely and empowering and like something to look forward to.
14. Think you know yourself until you meet someone better than you.
15. Forget who you are, what your priorities are, and how a person should be.
16. Identify your fears and instead of letting them dictate your every move, find and talk to people who have overcome them. Don’t settle for experiencing .000002% of what the world has to offer because you’re afraid of getting on a plane.
17. Make a habit of cleaning up and letting go. Just because it fit at one point doesn’t mean you need to keep it forever — whether ‘it’ is your favorite pair of pants or your ex.
18. Stop hating yourself.
19. Go out and watch that movie, read that book, listen to that band you already lied about watching, reading, listening to.
20. Take advantage of health insurance while you have it.
21. Make a habit of telling people how you feel, whether it means writing a gushing fan-girl email to someone whose work you love or telling your boss why you deserve a raise.
22. Date someone who says, “I love you” first.
23. Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it.
24. Suck it up and buy a Macbook Pro.
25. Quit that job that’s making you miserable, end the relationship that makes you act like a lunatic, lose the friend whose sole purpose in life is making you feel like you’re perpetually on the verge of vomiting. You’re young, you’re resilient, there are other jobs and relationships and friends if you’re patient and open.
titsay
turnnoffyourmind
gamechangershow
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
germansingergirl
romaincrisis
