Where have I found myself?
I am a nerdy introverted girl. Have been all my life. I was the one that would sit on the edge of the playground with a book in hand and the rest of the world would fade away while I was reading Lord of the Rings. No I couldn’t watch the movies because dang it there was a book of it.
I grew up in a world of superheros, space battles and vampires. Played video games, watched old cartoons with my brothers, and was never really into the dolls like my sisters were.
I am the oldest and the middle child all at once. Come from a blended family. Brothers are older and were from my dad’s first marriage. They all lost her years before my birth due to cancer. Dad remarried to my mom and soon, I was the first girl and then over the next few years my sisters came to be. So 5 kids, me in the middle yet at the lead. As my little kid eyes saw my brothers more as adults then my siblings. This changed over the years as my brothers did protect me and I found ways to confide in them as I never could with other adults.
Yeah yeah, I know boring stuff. So I was an odd kid and a main plot point is my lust for boobs that started at 4 years old. I wanted them anyway possible. I would stuff my shirt with balloons, sock or whatever I could find. I would strut around with my balloons that would as big as my torso itself. I never thought much of it, it just felt natural.
Looking back on it, I see that this was my first hyperfocus. I am probably somewhere on the ASD spectrum, never tested but a few things match. It just wasn’t a thing to test when I was younger and I did well enough without support. But I focus on things with great vigor. I will sometimes close everything else out of my life for a new obsession.
Well by about 10, I figured out I was creeping people out. I get why now but I didn’t then so I just pushed this part of me away but it never left my mind.
As a kid I watched Roger Rabbit so many times and Jessica was my idol. My brothers were fans of cartoons and I watched the Hot Red Riding Hood cartoons so much that I wore out many VHS tapes of my brothers.
Sci fi and fantasy also quickly grew in my list of loves. I was quickly taken in by vampires, creatures of the night, androids, cyborgs, elves and dwarfs. Anything with a change or transformation really pulled on a string in me. They just made me strangely happy.
So happy that my first remembered orgasm was during the reading of a vampire book and there was a passage of one vamp daming a girl. It warped my little mind. It made me happy. It made me squeal.
With time, so many things can push that little button in me even things like horror movies.
I grew up some more and had to deal with my teen years as the chubby girl. I ranged in weight over the years but normally I sat in the 140 to 160 area. At 5′7, that wasn’t horrible but I was never the “hot one.” That was fine honestly I just continued as the nerd girl with my nerd friends which many were guys. It was just what I did due to my brothers being in my life. So more video games, DND came into my world and similar dorky things.
Also in these days I grew boobs. I know special huh? I was happy with them most of the time. I of course wanted to be bigger. I wanted that since 4. I usually lived in the C to D cup sizes. I was a curious girl and I started to look around the internet for my boob desires. And yup, found the porn quickly and I totally compared boobs from one girl to another. Of course, most of them were porn boobs. Fake and plastic. But most were big. I started to wish they would just keep growing and growing and growing.
I found the breast expansion kink. It was marriage of my wants. The changes and the size. It is like that moment a girl goes from her fingers to a vibrator. Just bam!
Then I found all the other transformation kinks. Holy cripes that was quite the year of my life. I finally found people similar to me and I was happy. I visited forums, chats and more. Yup, totally broke those rules.
And if you are into boobs and transformations....you will find the bimbo kink very quickly. Now I wasn’t a tomboy but not girly either. I wore jeans and a tee most days and would wear dresses like once a month at most. I had zero desire to be the cheerleader but I didn’t hate the cheerleaders either.
So I had a couple boyfriends, had some sex, figured out I liked girls too all in my teens.
I am not so introverted that I can’t make connections with people but it takes a lot to get the connections strong enough for trust. I means I dated most of the guys in my circle of friends, rarely did I go outside of that. Caused a few issues, but I grew from it.
High school comes to a close and I am still nerdy, shy and chubby. Off to college I go, and I go somewhere hours away from my home. Means I only returned on the big holidays, means I was on my own mostly.
So I cracked my shell a little and found new friends, still nerdy mind you but more. I started to party with them and well I gained the freshmen 15....or in my case 50. By sophomore year, I was up like a handful of sizes and no longer was chubby but now fat. But I was happy, found a good boyfriend and friends, partied and did well in classes too.
The boyfriend was a year ahead of me. The boyfriend graduated and was offered a great job. Across the country. We ended it. I needed to finish school and neither of us wanted to deal with the long distance stuff. He had a new life starting and he needed to see where that took him. I still love him today. I miss him often and we still talk.
But the break with him, let me break many other habits in my life. I was partying like 3 or 4 nights a week. A few extra couple thousand calories each night.....no wonder I was closing in on 200 pounds. So the partying stopped. I stopped drinking. I started to walk and hit the gym a couple times a week. The weight started to come off. Everywhere.
Now if I had it my way, it would have came off just in the belly and thighs. But I lost my tits and ass too.
I was wearing 36DD bras when it started but honestly I should have been wearing 38DD or bigger. I was double boobing and spilling out of the 36s. It was part of why I lost weight when I noticed that I would need to buy bras again. Strange for a boob obsessed girl to not want her boobs bigger from weight.
Over the next couple years I dropped 60 plus pounds. I was the smallest I had been in a decade. Sadly the boobs were now a saggy 34C maybe D at best. I had lost about 50% of my volume.
I was in grad school now and I had a full time job already, low on the totem pole but a job. I decided I would research what it would take to get implants to fix my saggy chest.
I went to a few doctors and had consults. I burned through a few because they just didn’t understand me and my odd desires. Finally found one that did and his work is great. Then I see the cost. CRAP!
Ok, I have been lucky in that much of my schooling has been covered due to my family planning ahead (thank you mom, dad, grandma and grandpa, though I hope you never find this entry.) Because of this lack of debt, I wanted to stay in a lack of debt. So I started to save up the money.
I had another consult with the doctor just over a year ago now. I am a freak when it comes to planning and focus. We get the final ideas of what to do, implants, internal bra procedure and maybe a bit of lipo for the tummy to hip area. He just nearly off-handedly suggests that I do a bit of weight and toning work at the gym. The stronger my muscles the better surgery will go.
So hyperfocus time for working out at the gym. Since then, I have been at the gym nearly every day. Usually one to two hours, mix of cardio and weights. LOTS OF STAIRS!
I have tightened up. My tummy is flat outside of the problem areas the doc wants to lipo. I have dropped in size on the chest from 34C/D to 32C maybe only slightly C. I have thickened my thighs. So many stairs. And squats. My bum bubbled up too.
I have been recently called a gym bunny.
And that was just part of what triggered this crisis in my brain.
An internal battle of Nerd vs Bimbo.
The nerd is screaming for it to stop. Here I am skinny (though my brain still sees me as chubby) toned (abs are just starting to show) and I am getting implants.
Oh BTW, I scheduled the surgery for April 2019. Have all the vacation time lined up and similar.
And I want high sitting, high profile silicone implants. And I would like the half globe look. Porno tits. I really don’t want them looking natural when I am in a bikini. (oh that is another thing, maybe a different post) Doc says he can fill up my sag with the implant, so that means I am going to be the same volume from my fat day to now on this skinny body. Big enough to turn heads when dressed right and small enough to hide when I need too. Though it could be an issue.
I will probably be an F cup in the end (maybe more.) All depends on my final size right before the surgery. The doc knows all this and is going to do his best to give me the closest he can to my desires. I know that the working out my be limiting me in the end.
I have written enough for now....I will need to post more about what is all happening in the last few months that has been pushing this crisis in my head.
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