Depression, Or Something Like it.
Guys, I have a Sad. This is what my fiance and I call when I go through one of my depression slumps. [This is the point where I’m going to mention that I have never officially been diagnosed as having depression, nor any other psychological/mental ailment. Mostly because I’ve never really lived in a world where I could afford seeing a doctor for something that isn’t physically hurting.]
When I get like this I lose feeling. This all encompassing numbness sucks, but having dealt with it since I was a wee youngin’, I know that it’s not forever and eventually passes. [One of the reasons I have not saved up to see a doctor is this realization. I solemnly swear that if I ever get to the point where I think it will never go away I will seek help immediately.] But in the meantime, it’s butts to deal with. I mean, I feel bad for complaining because it could be so much worse, but at the same time I’m entitled to my feelings, or lack there of.
I get this weird melancholic numbness every year about this time because May 11 was my Grandfather’s birthday. 5-11-41. I’m both ashamed and amused to say that the reason I can remember it so well was that was his code for anything. If he forgot his password to something I could instantly try his birthday in some format and it probably would have worked. During his last few years he tried to be “hip to the jive” with us young folk. He got a desktop and not one, not two, but three cellphones for some reason. He barely knew how to operate them, but he had them and that’s what counts.
While I’ve always had sporatic Sads, nothing activated it so thoroughly as his passing. Once he died my Sads have split into different personalities, so to speak. Having a Sad regularly is just numb but now I have a secondary Sad, something my Mom and I term a “Grandpa Moment”. It’s a deep, dark feeling of sadness, the kind that makes you cry out in anguish with loud moans of despair. It starts simple enough -- one thought leads to another, and eventually something comes along that reminds me of him, or perhaps I hear a voice with a similar lilt, or see an old man with a passing resemblance. The next thing you know, all can think of is how much I miss him.
It’s been over 4 years since we lost him, and it has gotten easier as the grief softens and you get used to your new normal. You begin to forget things. This year, his birthday almost slipped by unnoticed. Almost. Fate intervened. A friend gave me a whole pie from his work out of the blue. This morning I had a slice with ice cream for breakfast (because I’m an adult now and it’s my turn to decide what that means) and the flood gates released. My grandpa loved pie, and we would often share a slice of pie and ice cream for breakfast. It was one of the few treats he would give, being the mature man he was. But I digress -- My whole point of this writing was to talk about grief and depression and how they co-habitate and how we can deal with them, and live with them... At least that was the idea when I sat down to type this out.
Maybe I just wanted to admit that I’m sad and I’m grieving. And that it’s okay for me to do so.
Maybe I just miss my grandpa and wanted to share his memory -- because if I don’t, who else will?
This is some heavy stuff, and it can be hard to deal with. I’m lucky to have a pretty strong support system, and I have a whole bunch of people I could turn to for emotional support if and when I need it. I’ve also learned how to cope with my feelings during the times that they’re the strongest.
Here are my recommendations for when you have a Sad:
Read a book. Reading was my escape mechanism when my Sads were at there worst, when I had no friends and nobody to turn to, my books were always there for me. It can be super cathartic to space out and just drop yourself into this literary world.
Spa day. This doesn’t have to cost a bunch of money. If you can afford it, hit up a spa and get yourself a massage. I was given my first professional massage as a Bridesmaid gift right in the middle of a pretty bad depression spike, but that massage relaxed me so much all my troubles melted away for a few days (and just a few days can be a great reprieve if you’re going through a lengthy Sad) If you can’t, the most relaxing part of the massage was the mood set in the room. Put on your favourite YouTube relaxation music (I prefer ocean and rain sounds personally), dim the lights, and light some aromatherapy candles (such as lavender). Maybe take a hot bath, if you have a laptop you can set down somewhere to play the music. Just take a deep breath, let it all in, and relax. Focus on the music, close your eyes, and drift.
Talk or Write about your experience. This blog is my means of this, and it’s helped so much. Even though I know it’s not being read by a million people, and even though no one is talking back, it helps to get it down in writing. Don’t want to blast your personal feelings to the world? Find someone you can talk to one-on-one. A friend, a colleague.... me. I’ll listen. You can contact me through my inbox if you don’t mind being published, and if you want to keep it private you can email me here and I’ll respond within a few days (barring life events).
Arts and Crafts. I can zone out and leave my issues behind when I’m working on a project. I like to make comic paper flowers because it’s an activity that doesn’t take too much brainpower, but also distracts me from the Sad.
And don’t forget that if you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and feel like you’ll never get back up... there are places that will help you. Here are some other links that have helped me and countless others when they’re in a bad place:
learnhowtoadult‘s video - What if Depression Followed you Online
Emotional Baggage Check - Leave what’s bugging you anonymously to get it off your shoulders, or read what other people are going through.
7 Cups of Tea - A place to chat anonymously with “Listeners” who can help you get through this patch.
