RIVULET

[neueroses]

sunset rising

[neueroses]

youngnovas‌:

“oh, wow you’re really gunning for it.” it’s not that he minds. yujae hardly minds anything kyungmin asks of him anyway. but there’s no fun in just giving in. no fun in that at all. “thanks, ‘ppreciate it.” he snorts. “i’ll make sure to save it for a special occasion then, maybe when you’re least expecting it…” maybe after he practices a bit in front of a mirror so it’s not as odd as it plays out in his head as well.

he winces at the twist, lips parted for a small sharp ‘ah!’ that comes accompanied with his hand slapping kyungmin’s away. “aren’t you practically a bully by now?” he rubs his chest idly, eyes narrowing while the other speaks. “oh, because more for you to abuse right?” his tone is sulky, swatting away kyungmin’s other roaming hand. had they not been on somewhat of a schedule (he remembers only vague details, swimming, a restaurant they talked about trying), he would’ve asked for him right his wrongs and kiss it better.

“it’s not like we plan on sleeping anyway.” that much has to be obvious. but yujae doesn’t press further. whatever they do would be completely fine as long as they did it together, he’s never been picky in regards to things like that.

the walk to the beach is quick, well within a manageable distance from the cottage and yujae is quick to make up for time loss with steps forward toward the welcoming waves. swinging arms brushing against kyungmin’s shoulder in passing in a burst toward the water. it’s cold, he’ll find as soon as his toes graze the sea, bringing forth a spill of joy bubbling past his lips. he braves a couple more steps in before turning to face shore, waving at the small figure in the sand. 

“kyungmin-ah!” there’s no expectations, no particular invitation or request to join. if anything, yujae wanted nothing more than attention. smile split evenly across his face his body buzzes with adrenaline, waits patiently for the needed acknowledgement (needy, needy, eom yujae) before he moves on.

admittedly, it’s a lonely function. only losers swim in the ocean alone. or something like that. yujae doesn’t particularly mind, much more taken with a fascination that settles with any step forward, every wave that knocks against his abdomen. he continues as far as his legs will take him, enjoys the ease of moving with the ocean, before he turns to swim back to shore. makes his way back minutes (give or take a handful more to just float about) later; soaked from head to toe.

by then, the beach is mostly deserted (from what limited yujae could spot, seeing as his attention laid mostly with his partner perched on the sand) and he doesn’t hesitate to plop down beside him, entirely too close. “i’m baaaack,” his chin finds kyungmin’s shoulder, tucked in all too comfortably. the air between them is humid, reeks of salt, wind and residual tones of kyungmin’s and his’ cologne. “did you miss me?” he grins. “and did you see how far i swam out or were you too busy reading?” 

I am proud of my heart alone, it is the sole source of everything, all our strength, happiness, and misery. All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is all my own.

He claps his book, emotionally spent. The young, passionate Werther waxes on about love and ultimately suffers a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. He bloodlets for twelve hours, and then passes into the other world.

Kyungmin places the book cover down into the cool sand growing cooler by the second, and finally looks up to Yujae’s broad back and shoulderblades shining under the sun. He watches him splash in the water and float for a few minutes, observing with amusement at how Yujae’s movements grow sloppier with each rotation before he calls it a day and finally treks back to Kyungmin’s side.

“Hey there,” Kyungmin plunks his hand on top of Yujae’s sopping head, nevermind the fact that his hair is dripping onto his t-shirt, staining the cotton in sea and sweat and salt and doesn’t it all taste the same anyway? “Can’t say I did, but now I do,” he replies cheekily. 

The wind blows harder just as the temperature begins to drop. Kyungmin grabs one of the towels at your side and throw it over Yujae’s head before rubbing away with both hands the way he would a wet dog. Yujae’s bangs go flying every which way and water lands onto Kyungmin’s glasses but he doesn’t particularly care, not when his heart expands at the sight of Yujae’s beaming face underneath it all. Kyungmin flaps open the towel to wrap over Yujae’s shoulders and across his chest, cinching it at the base of his neck so Yujae is hooded and hopefully a little warmer.

“Reading, obviously,” Kyungmin says with a frown, scanning the empty beach. “And regretting it a bit. The ending was a bummer. I knew it was coming, but was still holding out for something… else.” Something happier? More nuanced? Not so beautifully and helplessly tragic? “Cheer me up,” Kyungmin yanks on the towel and pecks Yujae quick like stolen lightning on the cheek. “Please?”

[neueroses]

got a light

[neueroses]

youngnovas‌:

“oh?” i don’t know what’s more surprising. that it got to him or the little bit that doesn’t quite match up to memory. it’s normal, of course. after so long change is normal. but it unsettles me regardless. quiet throb easily snuffed out by a quick swig while he speaks. “oh, yeah, that was a moment.” i laugh around the mouth of the bottle, fingers tapping against hued glass. “you could practically see the honey dripping from his eyes—woohyuk’s so lucky.” even to my own ears. i sound jealous. 

funny, considering how little worth a committed relationship is to me these days. but the pesky thing thumping away in my chest wants it wants, even if i deny it. and right now, looking at kyungmin, it twinges and aches for reprieve i’m not yet ready (or capable) to grant.

“three days? they die way too quickly.” i turn to the stems in my lap, brush my fingers over the edges of the petals. they’re pretty. but i’ll never see the point in investing in something that wilts so quickly. “ah,” my attention flickers over, lingering for a moment longer on the definition of his jaw. he isn’t too difficult to read like this. and i am not so sober as to be wary of what may come. i make my move then, resting the bottle on the table and using it to propel myself upward. 

“okay,” the grin playing on my lips is hopefully casual as i’d imagine it to be. admittedly, the world spins like this. my body floats, light in contrast to the dull throb in the back of my head. a sure sign to stop. doesn’t matter. i can’t be bothered to think about that right now.

“sir,” i speak with a slight accent. my right knee buckles, the most ungraceful example of a curtsy there is. kyungmin doesn’t seem to want to move fast enough, so i fold the bouquet around my waist and offer my free hand hand with a quiet laugh. the air on the patio is comfortable like this. light, casual, muted sweet tones. must be the alcohol, but i almost feel like time has turned backwards. and i am left now feeling the same as i did in college, hand in hand with ahn kyungmin. “let’s go get you that scotch.”

—Fin—

[neueroses]

got a light

[neueroses]

youngnovas‌:

it’s no surprise that being beside kyungmin makes me want to drink more. fill the gaps and spaces of silence with the closest escape—short of getting up and walking away. stupid. to be going through unnecessary steps like these knowing fully well i don’t actually want to go anywhere. that, is surprisingly easy to admit. but that’s with the aide of my sixth? seventh? glass of wine.

now, as time progresses and the knot in my shoulder slowly ebbs with every swig. now, talking to kyungmin—fathoming his existence here in this day and age—grows to be just a bit easier. so long as we don’t stray from casual topics to dive into what’s left that lingers between us; old scabs and bruises and all.

he doesn’t answer. i don’t expect him to. but tighten my grip on the bottle all the same at the possible implications, taking another slow drag to fill the silence and follow it up with another swig (and a small grimace). the faster i finish the faster i can get a better bottle.  

“yup.” what else is there to say? nothing, i guess. bypass the subject. leave anything lingering at the door. come on, yujae. i tell myself, well aware that it’s an uphill battle. you don’t want to be the only one stuck in the past here. but the longer i look at kyungmin, the more i get swallowed up in it.

i raise a brow at the sudden onslaught of coughs, lips tugging into a knowing smirk i know kyungmin can’t miss. “little bit of both? maybe more the final walk…” i consider the scenes replaying in my head briefly, attention flicking back to him once he speaks. poses a question that sounds more like a test. “you?” i parrot, teasing the cigarette between my fingers in thought. by now it’s more of a decor than anything, burns dangerously close to skin with every little breeze. but i pay it no mind. too taken by something else.

“i doubt it. if memory serves right it’s hard for you to fully immerse in a thing when *something else* is bothering you.” i hum, pressing my lower lip to the mouth of the bottle in thought. what’s bothering him? the answer is easy. exactly the answer and path i want to direct away from. instead i flash him a disarming smile, mouth full of jest. “let me guess, you hated the bridesmaids’ dress, didn’t you?”

“no,” is it surprising? did i seem like the type who would? i reach for the bouquet out of curiosity anyway, tossing the burning butt into the ashtray. it’s pretty, at least. entirely fitting for kyungmin to decorate his place with something like this. myself, not so much. “how long do they last? don’t flowers in bloom wither fast?” his touch stops my line of question, has me taking a second longer to look. his hand, my knee. something that is both familiar and foreign. “yeah,” i laugh around my words. “i don’t have a sense for arrangements, it’ll probably come out terrible.i think i’d much rather swipe unopened bottles.”

What sublimity of mind was mine, that dreamed of finding a way to communicate my deepest thoughts to him. Transmission breaks somewhere in the space between my fingertips, still warm by the ashtray, and the tail of his still-burning cigarette. 

I had posed a rather pointed question, albeit subconsciously. Vows and final walks carried the kind of emotional fanfare that penetrated people like Yujae and fizzled on people like me. Smirk turned condemning smile, Yujae had caught on before the realization dawned on me.

He drifts swiftly off course before I have the chance to cut in. A strategic drunk driver if I’d ever seen one. “Hideous.” I agree, brushing off the wrinkles in my pants as I move to stand. “Ddaeng, by the way. I did choke up a little.” I couldn’t blame him for missing the signs as I’d made absolutely sure to keep them down to a simple lump in my throat. “And during the ballad, of all things. Total emotional manipulation down to the way Woohyuk was holding her hands.” The way Woohyuk looked at her. The way she beamed. The way he mouthed those three syllables. The way she mouthed them back, a tender sutra. Caught through a camera lens and spat out on 4K monitors for us to sip to and remember when that could have been us. 

Giving him a shrug, I point to a few of the buds that haven’t opened yet. “These’ll probably start unfurling tomorrow. After that, I give the whole thing three days.” Don’t you want to see them in full bloom come morning? 

To me he looks more maidenly than any bridesmaid, armed now with bouquet and in that suit of his, of mine, that suit. I let him hold onto the flowers, insurance for the night. “Feeling like some scotch,” I say, with one final glance through the doors to the empty lipstick-rimmed glass on the piano. Past that it’s a straight shoot to the bar. Come with.

[neueroses]

got a light

[neueroses]

youngnovas‌:

evidently, i’ve failed to forget him. to un-know and leave ahn kyungmin and our entire relationship back in the past; slotted with the growing list of failures i’ve led so far. whatever little detail that has faded throughout the years is slow to trickle back the longer time drags on. for one, his wine preference. for two, a story shared many many nights ago of his first time smoking. finer details forgotten, but the gist of it remains.

traitorously, i find myself thinking—maybe he’ll tell me the story again—before deflecting to take a drag out of the cigarette i’ve been nursing; the intake of nicotine swirling in my head. menthol a particularly odd mix with wine. clouds judgment either way.

it’s ridiculous where this comes from—a fire pit of nerves and alcohol burning away like the lit end of the cigarette. i both want it (him? this?) and don’t. now that he’s here, a big part of me (growing every second) doesn’t want to see him go. “see.” i curl my lip, parts playful and parts smug when he hands it over. “i’ll probably go with you.” i want another. it’s left unsaid. pretty obvious anyway.

for the record, kyungmin hasn’t changed. okay, he has. earlier’s subtle details (corner of his lips, brows, nose; little morsels i’ve barely been able to stomach without the aid of wine) caught between petals and greens didn’t do him any justice. he’s still very much a spectacle, i find that the vague tightening in my chest is telling enough. and look away again to take another swig once i’ve felt that i’ve stared for too long.

“oh,” there’s a pause here while my brain buffers, taking a moment longer to piece together what bits of the ceremony i can actually summon up from memory here. “it was very touching, yeah,” i laugh, taking yet another drag to delay my answer. “considering all they did in college was break up and make up, it's—” i inhale, trying to find the words. “impressive.” odd that to my own ears, it sounded almost wistful.

but that wasn’t his question. i sneak another gulp before i shift in my seat to better face him, eyes still carefully focused on the slight furrow between his brows. “but i cried a little—just a little.”  i grin, holding up my thumb and index and pinching them together. “what about you?” my eyes travel over to the bouquet laid on the table. “are they giving those away in there or something?”

This is a one-eighty. I had expected him to put up more of a fight. Maybe it had something to do with his guardian? As soon as he’d excused himself from the table, Yujae’s face had fallen and paled to a a shade not unlike our tablecloth. I observed the scene unfold—Yujae’s short fingers grasping the hem of his friend’s jacket like a petulant child, his friend shaking him off with gentle maternal finesse before bidding our table a round of apologies and a farewell bow. 

I chalk it up to this, compounded with his insobriety and swayed by the music trickling in from the lobby’s pianist-for-hire. As the night wears on her playing grows warmer and more intimate. Between pieces I catch her sipping scotch from a crystal glass. Yujae has always been more impressionable than he gives himself credit for. 

My phantom gratitude folds in on itself. I ignore him. I don’t want him to think that I’m extending an invitation to drink with me. I want him to tail me.

His candor is revealing itself to me again and I hate that it’s infectious. I nod in agreement, “They stuck it out,” and purposely leave the rest of the thought unsaid—no need to beat a dead horse, especially not one as old as ours. I look at his coiffed hair, his nicely formed thin lips. At his sharp, endlessly dark eyes. At his short fingers pinching air. And I cough out a laugh.

I hurriedly blame the ash—it’s been a while since I held a cigarette—but I know he knows I’m not tricking anyone. Then, “Which part did you in: the vows? Or the final walk?” It’s futile but i hide a smile behind my wrist. “Me?” I crush out my smoke in the table ashtray. “Instead of telling you outright, why don’t you take an educated guess.”

“Ah, these? The flowers used for decor are free to take once the dinner service ends. You didn’t know?” I blink. surely this isn’t the first wedding he’s been to. more likely that he simply never paid attention. “I just tossed out my last arrangement two days ago, so this is good timing.” I pause. Reach out a hand and tap him playfully on the knee. “There’s still time to grab your own. But... s’not your thing, if memory serves me right.”

[luvlytoto]

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[neueroses]

got a light

[neueroses]

youngnovas‌:

it’s almost funny how life works. how i could spend the whole evening looking for excuses and specifically placed center arrangements at the bottom of the bottle only to be here now—face to face with the one person i didn’t want to see. of course, it was—expected. kyungmin coming was expected. much unlike the quiet stir of something foreign in my chest.

“oh.” i mimic, lingering a beat too long on the pout of his lips. i’ve avoided glancing his way this whole night for a handful of reasons. but the only glaring one now—at least, that i can wrap my head around. right here, right now. inches away after spending so many years unknowing each other—is how he’d react. how i should react. ignore the growing need to look longer? pick out the minute differences between now and then? or—follow the norm? what do exes usually say to each other?

kyungmin doesn’t seem to want to leave space for me to breathe. something about his demeanor strikes too familiar to ignore. i wet my lips and stare uselessly at the scene unfolding before me while my head buzzes, swirls with inebriation and another kind of emotion i can’t place. “sure.” i’m replying too slow. is it obvious? you’re staring too much. i know that too.

“thanks, k—thanks.” ah. i manage a sheepish smile, making an executive decision that i am still not drunk enough for this interaction and takes a quick swig while the cigarette burns on. ashes sprinkling on my thigh. “half? little under half?” i give the bottle a shake or two, cowardly finding it better to fixate on the wine sloshing around for a beat or two instead. just so i can breathe.

“yeah, just about.” he doesn’t have to say any more, though, implications are easy to read like this. and i make sure to quickly wipe off the mouth with my sleeve before passing it over. “you might not like it though, s'not—” my mind blanks, names are hard. foreign names are even more impossible to curl my tongue around. “your favorite, if i ‘member right or something…”

I would have been happier if I never had to see him again—and the same for him, I’d imagine. But even at a ripe twenty-nine he’d failed to take to basic etiquette. Couldn’t even get a fucking handshake out of him, much less a nod or a straight look in the eye that’d tell me it was really me sitting there across from him and not some figment of his imagination or haunted apparition.

But I was real, real and very much alone while he sat hidden away and only came into view when he’d lean into the ear of his sepulchral plus-one (who was the real ghost here?) and I’d finally catch the rounded tip of his nose in perfect opposition with his cut jaw. By the time he pulled away, his glass would be full again, topped with another helping of merlot.

Who knows how many at this point, but the glass on the patio table tells a story of its own, a sheer burgundy film staining its walls. Yujae wasn’t holding back. As if it wasn’t already obvious the way he’d abandoned his glass and resorted to drinking directly from the bottle instead. Yujae was efficient when it counted—this, too, was familiar.

I want to tell him to stop that, not when you’re wearing that suit, but it’d be too presumptuous and I opt for a long drag as my other hand reaches out to retrieve the bottle. His gaze is wavering and flickering everywhere on my person but my eyes. It fills me with indescribable joy and pity knowing that I’m the cause, so I pull away from him to dissect the label. “Australia, huh...”

It’s a shiraz. Fruity as hell. I like the drier stuff. 

This, he recalls with such casual ease that I almost miss it. Eventually the realization boomerangs into the back of my head like a fate-laden comet. I stare into the abyss of the bottle, cigarette still burning and my heart catching with something that feels suspiciously, infuriatingly like gratitude. I almost take a swig. “All yours,” I tell him, and return the bottle. “I’ll probably get a drink from the bar in a bit.”

It becomes suddenly apparent to me that this is the first time all night and in so many years that I’m really, truly seeing Yujae’s face. And that in the short window of time we’ve spent here on the patio, I’ve already touched his hands and exchanged words with him. I’m suffering from the haze, too. It protects me, emboldens me, endangers me, urges me. “How did you like the ceremony?” My voice lilts, out of my hands and control. “I couldn’t tell if you were crying at any point.”

[neueroses]

got a light

[neueroses]

youngnovas‌:

it was a smart choice to leave quickly. after the first click of the camera and a delayed second (one more time!) shot, i was well on the way out. rubbing with enough shoulders and elbows in passing to feel—all too anxious. anxious? nauseous? both. i really should’ve known better not to come in the first place.

at least. the weather’s nice. fresh air is nice. takes in like a cold glass of water filling my chest. makes my head buzz, but that’s not a bad feeling either. now, casually lounging on the patio set, a bit of regret inevitably starts to ebb in. something along the lines of, oh, i should’ve swiped a full bottle instead whatever was left in this. 

i glance at it, but can’t make out much more beyond the year. ugh, doesn’t matter. it’ll have to make due till i can flag someone down. and as current vices are filled another just as easily enters. suddenly, an itch and i am thumbing through the pack of menthols discarded on the table. who the hell offers free cigarettes but no light? 

“hey,” i don’t bother to look up at the squeak of the seat beside me. too focused. there’s a certain kind of focus required when finer motor skills begin to fail you—and this cig isn’t leaving its box without a fight. “you gotta light?” finally. i wrestle it out with a grin, cig clasped between two fingers when i turn to the person beside me. 

 "du—" oh. oh. “ude…?”

Sure enough, there he is. I could tell myself I’d come out to the patio without any intention or expectation of finding him there and that this is just coincidence but I’ve never been the facetious, lying sort. 

From beauty resplendent when he walked through the hotel doors to a drunk fidgeting puppy out here sitting at the patio set. The sight is a little pitiful, but I have to say it gives me some sparkling hope and then another feeling that’s decidedly uglier. I take a seat at the next chair. While setting my bouquet down at the table, I watch him struggle with a box of cigarettes. There’s a lovely photo of a rotten foot on the packaging, smoking causes peripheral arterial diseases like gangrene. 

He doesn’t notice me. It’s funnier this way. I take out my phone and tap into my feed. Mutual friends from university at the same wedding venue uploading videos of the same sentimental ballad from various vantage points. I briefly consider recording Yujae’s performance: his contorting facial expressions and clumsy finger-work choreography are as good as any ballad performance.

I don’t though, keeping my eyes glued to my phone as he continues to wage war with the cigarettes and up until the moment he finally looks up and makes eye contact with the very person he’d been avoiding all night. 

Me. Ahn Kyungmin. Or, as it were, dude. 

“Oh,” I say, open-mouthed, brows raised in surprise. “You know, I just might.” My phone slides back into my pocket as I emerge with a BIC. I pluck another cigarette from the box in Yujae’s hands. Positioning the cigarette between my lips, I light the tip. “One for one,” I mumble with a slanted smile, leaning down and canting my body towards his fingers. I stay his hand with mine, I light his cigarette with mine. 

“How much of the bottle you got left?”

[neueroses]

got a light

Early September, 2018 Seocho-gu, Seoul

The ceremony has ended, the pictures have been taken, everyone is trickling out of the ballroom, filtering back into the hotel lobby. Out here in my cabernet-induced vertigo, the dizzying array of flower wreaths look more like pinwheels in the wind. It’s time to get some fresh air. 

In my hands: a bundle of my own flowers, plucked from the table centerpiece and off the wedding runway. Always such a shame that the unpicked flowers go straight into the dump—I’ve compensated for the guilt by overshooting. A ranunculus bud knocks into the lens of my glasses and I flinch backwards. 

Up ahead, the waitstaff. I hand over the bundle, and a petite young woman wraps and ties it with brown wax paper and rawhide string. “Thank you,” I say, and take the first set of doors I see leading to the patio.

@youngnovas

[neueroses]

sunset rising

[neueroses]

youngnovas‌:

“and what if it isn’t?” yujae challenges, lips pulling back to reveal a hint of teeth, apples of his cheeks well on the rise with the look on kyungmin’s face. he prides himself too much, maybe, on being able to bring that kind of expression out of him. “i wouldn’t sound as cute as you, believe me.” for the fun of it, he briefly entertains the thought. something along the lines of crouching down to below kyungmin’s eye level to gush, lips puckered and palms cupping his cheeks—is both funny and scarring. but, the snort. “you better get rid any weird thoughts, it’s not happening…”

he’s distracted. happens often whenever he’s too close, too taken by the face in front of him to fully catch what’s coming out of his mouth. but he can tell by the tone. he can vaguely pull in words before it’s completely slipped out of his other ear. can guess correctly with the jab to his nipple. spot on. how does he always do that? “hey—regressed? don’t be mean,” his free hand slides up to grasp onto his hand, pulling it up to his lips for a playful nip. “we both know you’ll still like me with or without the post exam weight.” he grins, eyes curving with glee. well aware that he’s right. 

there’s a sense of tranquility at play here, rare blanket of quiet content that covers over them, leaves yujae more than satisfied with remaining stagnant for a minute or so longer. take in the lack of distance. waves of warmth distinctly feel radiating off him. kyungmin’s breath fanning over his lips, filling him with thoughts to abandon the beckon of the sea. “nap, then?” he would be fine with that also, actually.

“i think that’s called stockholm syndrome.” yujae retorts without missing a beat, before kyungmin’s lips find his skin and all other witty responses are thrown out the window, replaced instead with a lopsided grin. “uh huh,” he laughs, head dipping to press his mouth to kyungmin’s throat idly, pulling back with a quiet flick of his tongue over skin. “let’s go, before it gets dark… then maybe we can consider a nap.” yujae speaks ambiguously (as if he wouldn’t get sidetracked, impulsive tendencies and all) while he moves to stand, pulling kyungmin in tow.

“or, if you’re hungry…we could eat.” options. it’s nice to have them here and now. 

Kyungmin rolls his eyes. “You know, things tend to pack more of a punch when they’ve never been done before…” And besides, Yujae had the chaste damsel act already in the bag (hell of a ruse, for what it was worth); he’d take to a simple oppa like a fish in water. “I have total faith in you,” Kyungmin reassures him. “You’d kill it. Murder me dead. It’s not like I’m going to find someone who’d have any reason to call me oppa like that, anyway.”

He pouts, indignant. “I’m not being mean,” and he promptly places his thumb at the base of Yujae’s nipple; together with his index finger, Kyungmin gives it an unsympathetic twist and yank. That was mean. Yujae’s fault for climbing on top of him half-naked and totally unprompted. The pout on his face lifts. “That’s what I said, though? That I’d be impressed by you either way: stacked...” and here, Kyungmin pokes Yujae’s right nipple (call him a man of equal opportunity), “or not.”

With the way Yujae’s chin has earned an extra fold since the last Kyungmin saw him, not appears to be the correct answer. More to love, Kyungmin thinks with some scientific fondness. And while the temptation to spend the next hour or so on this sofa curled into Yujae’s brand new set of curves with feet entangled is terribly difficult to resist, Kyungmin wills his rationale to speak some sense into both of them. “If we nap now, we won’t sleep later…” He says, but the words emerge softer and a little sultrier than he’d bargained for what with Yujae’s lips over his adam’s apple, pressure of his tongue following the way it bobs down as Yujae gathers his thoughts and gulps. “Dinner,” whatever dinner means, “can wait.” His mind skids back on track. “We’ve only got one night here, the beach comes first.” He lets Yujae drag him out the door, making sure to pick up his Goethe before locking up.

The trail to the water is cluttered with small, fallen branches, empty plastic bottles, and branded coffee cup holders. Vacationers’ negligence. Kyungmin holds Yujae firm by the wrist as they navigate their way past treacherous litter and firmer yet when he nearly loses his footing on a loose rock. Good, reliable Yujae, his bare arms are practically cushions for Kyungmin’s spindly claws. Eventually the path opens to the sound of a roaring ocean and the sight of the endless water, framed by white sand and a copper-tinged sky.

A few other stragglers fill the picture: an elderly couple equipped in full bodysuits and tinted goggles, and three middle school-aged girls blasting music from tinny phone speakers. 

Kyungmin is mindful. Before their feet can hit the sand, he’s released his grip on Yujae’s wrist and strides several paces ahead. Doesn’t look back. Directs his vision to his book instead and with nose deep in its gutters he flips through the pages until the moment he’s located both the correct page number as well as a dry spot in the sand, whereupon he plops down to wiggle himself a seat.

[youngnovas]

passionfruit

[neueroses]

youngnovas‌:

gijoon likes a good game. he’s always been predictable that way. much in the same tune as hong being too smart to miss it. this, he knows for sure. but whether or not hong possesses the capability to keep up rather than getting pulled under—is something else entirely.

still, he likes the bite. casual tones of flippancy paired with just a dash (okay, maybe more) of vexation. he likes hong. gijoon’s aware. well enough anyway. sort of at basis level, the way a kid likes a new shiny toy. the way he wants to toy with nam hong till interest inevitably wanes.

“uh huh, maybe,” he’s distracted. it’s obvious where all his attention and interest lies. nowhere near the (dull) conversation at hand and everywhere over everything else. ranging from decor, a few others dressed to the nines, and back to hong beside him, lingering for a handful of seconds longer; before piecing his focus back together to speak. “lucky you then, to have gotten one of the better options.”

not many would look as good, but gijoon is sure sangheon is off being a notable contender somewhere. 

“you’re in a mood.” he notes, tone flat and eyes narrowed with the slap. admittedly, it barely even begins to scratch the surface of his ego enough to bring any sort of real reaction, but gijoon enjoys the theatrics. enjoys yanking hong’s chain. it doesn’t have to be said that he’s the one at an advantage right now. as a paying customer, no less.

gijoon lowers his eyes accordingly with the question, zeroing in on the candy red floating on the surface. not his thing. he can tell by the shade of red itself. obvious in its artificial tone that it was plucked out of some ginormous jar picked up from the bargain aisle. and the taste, though gijoon seldom tried, is nothing more than a nassty sickly sweet that has his tongue curling in distaste. still. still. he will not pass up on a perfectly good chance.

“yeah, eventually…” he trails off, meeting hong’s gaze once more, head slightly cocked dand expression bordering smug. “though i don’t know if i should be touching it with my oily paws…” petty. “huh,” his fingers dance against his knee, feigning innocence. “what to do…”

He’s not listening, never is.

It’s part of what makes Gijoon so downright infuriating, as if Gijoon’s unwavering self-assurance wasn’t enough to bring out Hong’s (artfully suppressed) gag reflex. It’s also what eggs Hong on, as much as it pains him to acknowledge. At the end of the day the two of them are competitive creatures spurred by wanton desires, although—and Hong prefers to make the distinction here—the nature of those desires tend towards opposite directions, one fundamental and the other... ideological.

Hong squints past the curtain of their booth. Sehwa’s the first silhouette he recognizes, another behemoth of a Woman, all broad shoulders and thick hips squeezed in an architectural pantsuit, maybe Jil Sander, and a smart jet black bob cut. Just a few paces away, seated with a flock of eager lapdogs, Sangheon in (surprise surprise to no absolutely no one) a shimmering pink minidress and strawberry blond wig. Just going off their languid body language it was clear that Sehwa and Sangheon owned their pieces in both the literal and figurative sense.

Here, meanwhile, Hong struggles not to let his discomfort win out, and to do this he has to absorb every brutish compliment hurled his way like a life force. How lucky that Gijoon isn’t the stingy sort. He buckles down, takes over the reins again. He starts by gingerly removing Gijoon’s hand from his bare knee. “Please, I’m embarrassed enough as is,” he intones unconvincingly, but it’s the truth.

Without delay, Hong plucks out the cherry from the cocktail, acrylic nails like tweezers around the stem. He dangles it in front of Gijoon, a silent signal for Gijoon to open his mouth. Just as he does, Hong pulls it back, his own lips enveloping around the fruit. Red and redder. He holds it suspended in his mouth, lets his pink tongue roll it along its axis like a spinning globe, and then it disappears into his mouth without a trace. “It’s more my taste than it is yours,” Hong explains, bringing his hand up to cover his mouth as he chews and smiles something smug. 

The smile isn’t for Gijoon to see. At least, not in its entirety. “Peasant cherries for peasant tongues. Though I recently found out there are places that make their own maraschinos in-house. Seems they’d be more suited to discerning customers like yourself?”

He brings his manicured hand down to rest on Gijoon’s (clothed) knee. “How am I doing, son-nim?”

[neueroses]

sunset rising

[neueroses]

youngnovas‌:

“oh?” his skin twitches under the sudden biting cold, wrestling a small whine out of him before kyungmin effectively shuts him up with the can pressed to his lips. “okay,” it takes a second to roll onto his stomach, taking a swig while his eyes remain glued onto kyungmin and just how much he has him eating out of his palm. literally, a twirl here and a shake there, and the pout on his lips had fully dissipated. no? of course no. yujae wasn’t surprised either way, he knew kyungmin too well to.

“fiiiine. it better be the best cheer in cinematic history though…” he slips off the couch obediently, teeth sinking into the rim of the can while his hands busy with digging through for his trunks; thumb tugging down his sweats once he finds them. “i am not.” he scoffs, pulling one leg out to shake the other off haphazardly. though, yes, yujae can admit the slight increase of kg (his weight fluctuates regardless, and it isn’t an insecurity someone in long committed relationship would care about. much less one with his personality) post exams. he ate like crap, slept like crap, and such were the expected results of that.

doesn’t matter. his eyes cut over to kyungmin with a growing grin, pulling his trunks up swiftly. more for to love or something like that. “like what? you sound like you’re gunning to see something specific…” the sofa dips under the pressure of his knee, slipped in between kyungmin’s legs while he lifts the can over his face, watching the first droplet of condensation slide off and land on his nose with a quiet laugh.

“hey,” yujae is quick to follow up, brushing the tip of his nose against the slope of kyungmin’s to catch it. “tired already?” he quips, tone teasing with the brush of his lips against his brow. “all you did was sit and feed me the flavors you hate out of the snack bag though?”

“What, calling you oppa isn’t good enough?” His upper lip lifts to reveal a bit of tooth, a rare sighting in Kyungmin’s everyday but when banter breaks out there’s nothing to stop the smiles. “You should be jumping with joy. If anything, you should be calling me oppa,” he half snorts. Older by a few months and it doesn’t mean a thing but the updated image of Yujae in his head—he keeps the one with the rounder figure and puts him in a one-piece dress with two pigtails sprouting from the messy crop of hair—quickly rounds out the other half of his snort.

The leather between his leg slopes inward and he opens his eyes, cross-eyed now as he watches condensation from the can fall dead center on his face—he blinks—with a soundless patter, micro-droplets fanning out from the tip of his nose. “It’s actually pretty general,” Kyungmin corrects him, lids lowering like valances, a warm, soft light in his eyes still shining through. “Impressed as to whether you’ve made physical progress worthy of applause like you claim or if you’ve tragically regressed—” he brings his finger up to jab, bullseye, into Yujae’s bare left nipple. “—as I’m currently surmising.”

There’s a low hum at the back of his throat as he turns his gaze onto some undefined point on Yujae’s face: the fading zit on his chin, the dimple lining the corner of his smirk. “Tired,” he confirms with a nod, using the motion to nuzzle back at Yujae, their noses cool and moist like cats. Yujae smells faintly of grape and malt and sweat and the concoction is as sickly as it is intoxicating.

“And you ate every single one without complaining once,” Kyungmin laughs, his gratitude implicit. Stretching his neck forward, he places his mouth to the cleft of Yujae’s collarbone, lips curling into a smile before he presses a kiss there, and one to the other. “Swimwear,” he huffs. “Undressed but technically dressed. How infuriating. You’d better get off of me and this couch before I eat you up.”

[jjear]

[neueroses]

sunset rising

[neueroses]

youngnovas‌:

work hard, play hard. that’s the go-to motto here. words to live by, a mantra held dear against the hollow of his chest. eom yujae has always lived like this. sure, susceptible to occasional spells of working harder than playing and vice versa. but it never matters too much, he always makes up for it in the end. case in point would be now: a celebratory trip (celebratory is used lightly here, seeing as he hasn’t had the slightest clue of the exam results just yet) with his single most favorite person in the world (favorite here, is not used lightly).

namhae is, admittedly, nowhere near his top ten vacation spots. yujae had always favored the busier cities, tokyo, london, new york. the in love with life type. rowdy and upbeat. armed with delicious foods and interesting people, you know that type of thing. but, this isn’t so bad. and the company—the occasional glance to his left, lips puckered for any brief tease of affection kyungmin felt like indulging—the company’s as good as it gets.

but, god. now that he’s here, chest filled to the brim with sea air and wind in his hair, yujae reckons its not too bad after all. then again, he would’ve followed kyungmin anywhere.

“yeah,” his lower lip juts at the push, shifting to get a better line of sight of his boyfriend, head hanging off the arm of the sofa and limbs thrown haphazardly over the expanse of its body. “are you gonna come with me?” yujae keeps his tone at a comfortable level of whiny (not too much, not just yet), legs shifting restlessly against the cushion; wholly content right here right now with just watching kyungmin. “’cause you know i worked out,” his hand slaps against his belly with a lopsided grin. “just for this very moment so i can impress you.”

He considers this question quietly from the other end, kitchen lights off and walls all around him a cool blue not unlike the state of his brain post-exams. Relaxation is a cute look on Yujae; on Kyungmin? His lips form into a pert pout. What kind of partner would he be if he didn’t go into the water with Yujae. 

The easy answer would be to change. The path less trodden, however:

“Me? I’ll just go like this,” Kyungmin shuffles back into the living area with the beer, condensation beading up on the sides, in hand. He looms over Yujae’s upside-down head, and places the can atop his belly, his own delicate fingers serving as a buffer before he quickly deems his balancing act futile and resnatches the can—“drink the rest,”—and holds it up to Yujae’s lips instead. “I won’t be going into the water. I’ll cheer you on from the stands the way a Park Taehwan fangirl might.” Kyungmin coos with a fond squint of the eye, and takes a step back to demonstrate: his hands twirl, imaginary razzle-dazzle, 오빠 완전 멋있는데?!

He gives Yujae’s bottom a pat and shove, “Did you now?” and as Yujae digs through his things to locate a pair of swim trunks and sandals, Kyungmin slides in to occupy Yujae’s former tenure on the sofa. He sinks into the leather, still sunken and still warm from Yujae’s body, and closes his eyes. Prior to their meeting at the Lotte rental that morning, neither had seen each other in a hot second. A week, possibly edging on two weeks. Finals had been a bitch to the both of them and in times like these ramyeon was more often than not man’s best friend. “You’re a terrible liar,” Kyungmin says, eyes kept closed. He concocts an image of Yujae from two weeks ago, and compares it to the one of two minutes before. One Yujae is rounder than the other. “But I’m sure I’ll be impressed by something either way.”

[johnnykskim]

Visit Original Link

Roller Coaster - 어느 하루 (日常茶飯事, 2000)

가끔은 진짜 아무 것도 아닌 매일 반복되는 일상의 조그만 해프닝이나 혹은 물건이

울컥하게 슬플때가 있다. 근데 그 슬픔의 파장이 생각보다 꽤 크고 길다.

[youngnovas]

passionfruit

[neueroses]

youngnovas‌:

(...)

“yah,” he laughs around his disbelief, leaning in further for a closer inspection. “why did you match such a cheap wig to a dress like this? what’s the sense in that?” 

not that it looks bad, though.

What’s the sense in any of this, is the winning question of the night. Hong keeps a tight lip, nevermind the hemline of his dress riding up.

Gijoon looks every part the pliant customer. Hair slick with a touch of pomade and bangs coiffed into a gentle curl, his eyes are as dark with anticipation as his hands are teasing—an infuriating blend of jerking, barely-there, and lingering touches. Like he can’t make up his mind, like he’s ready to bend to Hong or his own will—whichever of the two happens to win out.

“I think you’re underestimating the madame,” Hong remarks, and with a most indignant crossing of the leg he leans in to grab his drink. “Or rather, her proportions. She’s practically Amazonian, in case you forgot.” With his back arched forward, the dress stretches and presses in all the wrong ways, but it’s probably a pretty picture for Gijoon and this is as good an art form as any.

Technically both pieces are on loan: the dress a Balmain from Madame Lim, and the wig from the recesses of Sehwa’s closet. Where the dress lacked in length the wig made up for it and then some, gnarly honey tresses extending to his lower back. Probably a reject piece, probably born out of and purchased for strictly comedic purposes, probably picked with the unspoken intent of making him look a fool. Sehwa had vehemently protested. The blonde highlights are a perfect match with these, and he had poked at one of the gold buttons lining Hong’s bosom with a coy snigger.

“Exactly. There’s no sense in any of this. But that’s the point. We’re building a nonsensical illusion. You’re participating in it and so by default, you’re nonsense too.” Hong slaps Gijoon’s hand away. “I spent two hours trying to get this to curl just right. I don’t know how synthetics react to anything anymore, and I won’t risk anything with your oily paws.” 

Not very gracious of him, but this is Gijoon after all. Not very gracious of him, but the serviceman in Hong concedes, and he backpedals. His eyes fall to the maraschino cherry floating atop Gijoon’s cocktail. “You going to eat that, son-nim?” The implicit question being...

[neueroses]

sunset rising

July 2012 Namhae, South Gyeongsang

It’s a scenic drive along Namhae’s cerulean coastline, sweep of hills and winding interstates finally plateauing—the land opens up and gives way to a sparkling sea. Here, the sky seems wider. Their rental Kia traverses a short two-kilometer stretch, crawls leisurely past rice paddy and farmhouse, street dog and fruit-bearing grandmother. Kyungmin feels the tell-tale bump of gravel under the tires. When he squints, he sees it: the signboard to their lodging, lovingly slathered in swishes of white paint: One Dream Pension.

Yujae is quick on his feet and hops out of the driver’s seat before Kyungmin so much as pulls out their reservation, printed and stapled neat at the top left corner. He greets the front desk, procures their keys, and leads the way to their unit, a canary yellow, southern-facing cottage. They take five to settle, turning on the air-conditioning and sinking into the sofas. Kyungmin’s eyes drift towards the clock in the room. It’s taken the form of a mischievous-looking striped cat, curved tail swishing back and forth for every second tick-tocked by. The blinds are closed for some reason, slats of orange sunlight patterning Yujae’s sweating face in bold stripes.

Looks like the clock, Kyungmin smiles, giving Yujae’s cheeks an insistent push of the finger before he bolts upward. “Didn’t you want to go swimming?” He asks, all matter-of-fact and quirk of the brow slinking towards the kitchen counters. On top of the island, their lumpy cooler—he pulls out a single can of beer, keeping his eyes trained on Yujae, who remains splayed on the couch. The leather croaks beneath Yujae’s body with stunning clarity as he stirs. “Get changed before you become one with the sofa,” Kyungmin peels back the tin, krrrsch, and chugs. A third of the can swishes in his belly now. “Before I finish the can.”

@youngnovas

[neueroses]

eyezo‌:

(...)

With a lift of her head, her eyes lock onto the next passing person. People, rather: Inkigayo’s emcees, cool and poised though their dynamic on stage is meant to be relaxed and jaunty and delivered quite well, at that. It happens so, the stark contrast enough to keep her head up, eyes following the one to whom she’s particularly drawn.

Her future, personified. Everybody talks.

Maybe she should just eat.

This week’s a wrap for the veteran and a sandwich for the rookie.

Hayeon watches the show from the sidelines with her usual brand of selective disinterest. Keeps her face flat for the boys in harnesses but lets her brows swoop downward and the corners of her lips lift when the boys in denim scramble to the stage. Flits between her script and two groups of girls with two years of comebacks and without a win to their names.

Doesn’t always pay to win, she thinks. It’s an idle, empty thought, as cold as it is correct. It sticks around as she retreats into the side pews of the stage and a line of fresh meat steps under red butcher lights. More scrutiny, more quality control, separating the lean from the fat, the meat from the marrow.

Aha!—she’d heard about this cut.

Doe-eyed gaze and flexible fingers withstanding, the girl’s body moves in angles, movements that while not so awkward that they distract, are misaligned just enough from the rest of her graceful bearing that it’s something Hayeon can sink her teeth into. Like a tomato placed too far out on the edge. Just a limp sliver of red leaking lopsided beneath the puff of a brioche bun.

Don’t even get her started about the patty. 

—

Strawberry jam: cooked into canon, beloved by the masses, truly tried and as true as can be. Cabbage: seemingly harmless, raw and rough, requires finessing or dressing, with limitless potential for experimentation. The comparisons are too apt for comfort, but Hayeon relishes in queasiness, her own physical hunger for food replaced by a heaviness in her belly as she hands off the plastic baggie of sandwiches to her fellow MC, Hyukjin, who hands it over to little Miss Brisket whose imaginary tail wags something wild at the sight of and breathing proximity to none other than MC Hyukjin. He tells her with his easiest smile to take a sandwich for herself and distribute the rest to her group mates, and with a schoolgirl bow little Miss brisket dashes down the hallway.

They make their rounds soon enough. Popping in for last greetings, they reach the newbies’ room, four walls penetrated in hairspray and musk and she steps right into this smellsome wormhole, eyes grazing over a sight bone-chilling in its familiarity: herself, mid-bite, midnight dinner. Hayeon’s eyes continue their steady graze over the pasture, past Miss Brisket, past Miss Short Ribs, past Miss Sirloin…

The girls immediately spring up. Some throw their sandwiches down while others hold them behind their backs as the entire row flings themselves into a bow. Hayeon returns in a practiced thirty-three degrees while MC Hyukjin, two years her junior, opts for a careful forty-five.

Hayeon addresses no one in particular, eyes smiling towards the corner clock, “Late lunch? Late dinner? Or god forbid, both?”