Baby Steps.
I woke up this morning around noon. It almost feels like I'm in college again-- I just started sleeping late on weekends in the last couple months or so. I can feel the depression weighing me down daily as I fight against the increased gravity of it all.
I wonder how I got here. It's not a bad place to be-- I'm educated, self-sufficient, successful. Though maybe not as successful as I aspire to be. I find myself spending all my free time in front of the TV instead of being productive: working on my thesis proposal, cleaning, grocery shopping, doing hobbies I enjoy. Instead, I sit here, too unmotivated to move. Telling myself I need to, I should, but I don't. Then, I berate myself for not doing anything, when I have more than enough time to.
Figuring out how to break this relentless cycle feels impossible. I know in my mind if I accomplish one simple task, I'll feel better. I'll feel accomplished. So why can't I just do something? Why do I continue to waste hours in front of the TV?
I haven't always been like this. Before COVID and the lock down, I was active. My apartment was clean. I cooked pretty regularly. Did laundry. Went out. I think after working from home for over a year, I just stopped caring. Why clean? No one is going to come over and see how messy it is. Why cook and eat healthy? No one sees me. And now that we're transitioning back into the office, picking up those habits I foolishly threw away seems like an insurmountable mountain to climb. Because things still aren't "normal". They're a new normal.
I want to reclaim myself, my sanity, my mental health. If I could just take that first step.