blood and stardust @nevermindtheblood - Tumblr Blog

advice for when your alters completely balk at the idea of being identified? my system faces this constant problem of alters being totally unknown, our headspace is like this vast cave system everyone gets lost in when they try to explore it, no progress made on mapping it except a fake(?) "House" ? we have an established fronting room in, and we think these alters may be genuinely invisible, or dysphoric at the idea of having names, or believing they don't have physical or social needs, all the way to completely blackinf out or forgetting where we just were if alters peek out with information etc. wtf do we even do, where do we even go from here.

#programmed system #dissociative identity disorder #oea

i want to start using a wheelchair so fucking bad. im mortified at the idea of getting used to a new mobility aid but also internalized ableism doesnt change the fact that i would genuinely have so much fucking more energy and less constant pain in my knees + ankles + legs if i could "somehow" sit down most of the day. no one is stopping me but myself but im sooo scared. oh well that and the ~$3000 id need to save up beforehand. -_-

#someone magically make my financial situation better <3 pls

Orange alters: strongly affected by caffeine

Purple alters: even stronger insomnia and unaffected by melatonin

... more and more synchronicities relating to colors. Will explore more soon

cave systems. my parents were obsessed with taking us on cave hikes even though they terrified us and we hated them. one of the very few things we showed uncontrollable distress about was being forced to go on another spelunk. there's a picture of me crying at the bottom of a cave because the entrance closed and everyone inside had to take an elevator to the surface. im talking caverns and caves and SEVERAL LAVA TUBES! they're not professionals or anything, we very easily could have gotten lost, im fucking so scared of being underground.

the other day i realized most of the headspace we know of and the reason it eludes us so completely is because it's a totally unmapped cave system.

hm.

even the rare times my body decides it needs to cry the second i make any sort of noise im automatically so viscerally disgusted at myself and immediately clam up

Anyone else get the constant itching feeling of needing Something something something something ?

If i fucking ever hear someone suggest DBT to me again I'm going fucking ballistic. Do you think the concept of thinking before you act is foreign to me? Do you think all my behavior when I'm hurting is fundamentally maladaptive? Do you think my problems arise from feeling emotions too fucking intensely???! Every fucking time I feel anything strongly it's do you ever think about applying DBT. Every fucking time I express how complicated and unproductive trying to feel something is for me it's have you tried DBT. I don't fucking think you know what DBT is! I don't think you're fucking listening to me if the only advice you have for processing big things I need help with is "COPE"!!!!!!!! I'm aware that how I react to things is my responsibility! I ALREADY APPLY GODDAMN DBT SKILLS it has nothing to do with how I feel!! MY FUCKING GOD!

#dissociative identity disorder #aspd #polyfragmented #dialectical behavior therapy

My partner has been bugging the shit out of me and it's fucking hard to navigate because I bring up what hurts my feelings and what's triggering to me even though it involves conflicting access needs and left the conversation with all this burden placed on me and some fucking confusion. Immediately met with resistence because it's always me that needs to be rational and accomodating because I have sooo much freedom from being unemployed!!!

I need to journal about the details but it's driving me crazy. Confusion is a far worse emotion than offended.

my uncle just got arrested for exactly what you think he got arrested for, my family is all ignoring the obvious problem of they werealways close friends and enabling each other, anf no one is thinking of the kids, and the "therapist" my parents chose for family therapy i found out is the therapidt to more than one of my siblings and was taking the side of my parents! which is crazy to do! it's getting really weird out here!! and im just broke and hungry because they canceled our food stamps with no notice we only found out trying to go shopping today. what is happening. im not equipped to deal with any of this !! my system barely functions and im so tired! my psych is incompetent and my therapist lied about all of her qualifications. am i just supposed to be left for dead here. what the fuck is going on

#kmmmmmmmssssssssss

I realized recently that we have quite a few alters strongly identify with different colors . & after some speculation and simply plural sorting i think i may have a lead on our color organization..... MAGNETS

red and blue alters repel each other and i can think of a few pairs that famously hate each other.

it's also vaguely complementary colors?

still others will resemble two or more colors such as an alter subsys with both a blue/red alter and a blue/yellow alter..

also, cave systems seem to be important. Idk!

#is it programming or is my system just up to sum shit #dissociative identity disorder #polyfrag system #tbmc

For so long been dealing with these exomemories that as far as I can tell don't actually mirror "real" trauma

It's fucking crazy lol like I know what I fucking remember. I've seen two people die in front of me. The hollowness of it. The dissociation it takes to get it out of my brain for a second leaves me with an unfillable hole on the inside of me. Dissociation so bad even typing this. Being a system has been so so so hard lately. We constantly are wrenching ourselves away from flashbacks and as soon as we acknowledge whatever the fuck it is it disappears and it stops "mattering"

#-R #dissociative identity disorder #tw for child death under the cut #oea

this might be the day i finally say something about my parents to anyone they know

#:)

granulesofsand

When the system can switch on command but not on purpose

#:/#it's a huge problem

something i remembered out of nowhere. there's this conversation our mother had with us driving home, about what masturbation was. i remember looking down at my stuffed animal and giving it some thought. i have no idea where we were driving from, whether we were actually going home, what exactly she said, or why the fuck she even brought it up.

i just know my parents had something to do with the probable csa like somatic memories we get but there's no way to know for sure.

#vent #dissociative identity disorder

well, after being back in my hometown it becomes extremely obvious that my parents torture(d) my siblings and i. but i have no idea what their goal was for these constantly dissociated states. i dont know the lasting effects. i wont go into it on this post but most of the rituals surrounding their abuse were school, grades, bedtime. i remember lectures but always walked out of the room having no idea what was said or done. what an identity crisis it is trying to be objective about your own experience without trying to make sense of myself through other people online. i wish this was something i could bring up to my still-new therapist who doesn't actually work with trauma processing. but she said she could help me access memories, so we'll see.

#oea #ramcoa #dissociative identity disorder #polyfrag system #polyfragmented #aspd #also puhleeaaase dont reply to this telling me accessing memories is dangerous.#i dont remember ANY of my childhood trauma. of course im going to fucking try and access memories

g**gle search how to bring up to your partner that they've been distant when it isn't really their fault

#:/

i started getting really fucked up sxual impulses "out of nowhere." they fucking laid eggs in my skin with the expectations of rape and sedation and i thought i escaped being affected by any of it they hatched

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