this is last time I will write to you for a while.
I wish we could go back to that day. I remember trying to squeeze in all the love we could before I left, like we were on borrowed time. I remember the feeling that it was not over yet, what if you came to visit me? I remember the confusion - I didn't want to leave you and you didn't want me to go. but you decided that this was for the best. I wasn't too sure about that, but it was too late for me to pull one last grand romantic gesture. you never really cared for those, anyway. if we had left it there, things might be different now. but instead we talked everyday for a month, it seemed like a good idea to let go slowly. and as the days passed, I noticed you were less present. when you called, I answered right away. but when I called, you were busy. that was nothing new, but a couple times you were even kind of mean, and that was new. I wanted to hold space for the fact that you had so much going on in life, that I've hurt you too, that it's not easy for you and you were as confused as I was. I thought that even though we had broken up, we still loved each other in the same way. so I felt led astray, when a month passed, I came back to visit, and you said you no longer have feelings for me. where did they go? why did you still confide in me about your stressful days, knowing how I felt about you? why could you not look me in the eye when I finally saw you again? why did you pull away when I made a joke and patted you on the shoulder? and why, why did you make plans with me to watch my favorite show, only to leave me wondering if you were even alive because you didn't come or message or call to tell me you wouldn't be making it?
is this what it means to be friends like you wanted? how? how could we be friends? I see you and I see your face as we're running around the house, so happy and playful. I see you and I see us holding each other, warm, my heart rate dropped from 120 to 80 in an instant. I see you and I see the nights I cried because I could not reach you, I was scared of losing you forever. I see you and I see us in your car, me yelling, full of anger and resentment, I couldn't believe that after everything, we'd be back here. I see you and I see us sitting on my bed, and I asked you, let's try again, and you laughed in disbelief, or discomfort, I don't know, but you said no. I see you and I see the words you wrote to me, finally, and you said I make you want to be better, you said you hope you can be the partner I deserve someday. I see you and I see the future I wanted to build with you, it was hopeless but it was ours. I see you and I see a day where we meet again and any doubt about each other was folly
I thought the world of you, even when you were in another world entirely. I loved every piece of you, even those that didn't fit into mine. I was in love with the most beautiful person I had ever seen, and I had seen a lot. You had access to me in a way that no one else has. You saw the best parts of me and the worst parts of me. I was so scared that someday I'd push you away, but you told me nothing would change how you felt about me. on the mountain, you said you would always love me. but now you don't, not in the way I love you.
you would probably relate to me on this part: it was painful to love you. we were different in the ways that mattered. we didn't see eye to eye on the most important tenet of a relationship, which is how one should show up for their partner. because of this, there were a lot of bad feelings, a lot of fights.
but I felt, I really felt that it did not matter as long as I got to wake up beside you and fall asleep knowing you'd be there again in the morning. all of it was worth it if I could just be by your side. that's what you said, too, hours before everything fell apart.
to just be by your side, it was too much to ask for from someone like you. and as much as I'd like to keep playing the blame game, I know that some things can't be changed and I can't keep trying to force a rectangle-shaped peg into a triangle-shaped hole.
so now it's time to let you go. it will be hard, it may not even be possible, because some things I don't want to forget, some things I cannot forgive, things you did, things I did. I can't do that, or I'll never learn. but with time and practice, at least I can keep you in my past, and that last day that we had together will be a good memory to revisit, but not to live in. not anymore.
I wanted to say goodbye now. i'm sorry I could not go with grace, it is asking too much of me to leave a love this loud quietly. I hope you find the peace that I could not give you. I'll always love you in that world where there is better timing. I'll always love you, even when I stop saying it. goodbye.














