I cried again today. It was hard not to. It's been almost a year, and I still get overwhelmed when I think about how I'll never be with you again.
I no longer hope for you to return to me. I know you won't. I also know that you're alive, hopefully well, and hopefully happy. I bear no anger toward you. I never will.
Losing you is a punishment to me, in a lot of ways. For not being enough for you, for being too much. For every misstep, every way I made you feel sad or hurt or uncomfortable. For everything before you, too. I never truly learned my lessons. I hurt two people before you and, even as I felt you drift away from me, I must've hurt you too. Enough for you to decide that you were done with me.
The price is this: I will never have you again. Even if we were to cross paths, we wouldn't be the same people. I will never have what we had again. I may never feel that kind of unconditional love again.
I like to think that maybe it wasn't me, maybe there's some cruel twist of fate that pulled you away from me. But I know that you chose this. And if you chose this, then you decided that I deserved it.
Still, the silence slices through me every single day. No goodbye. No explanation. No chance to apologize, to know what happened. Your last words to me were that you would be right back. I'll be forever waiting. In this lifetime, in the next, or perhaps for as long as this universe exists. My soul will wander, waiting for you to return, knowing that you won't.
I've always been too much. I hoped that you would love me despite that. For six years, I felt too comfortable. Too happy. I thought that we could stay like that forever, that you would learn to accept that I was too much. I'm afraid that those will be the only 6 years I'd feel that kind of happiness and love from someone so perfect to me.
I really wish I could've at least had a chance to say goodbye. Is that selfish of me? Have I not still learned my lesson?
I'm sorry. You always told me it wouldn't be forever. I'm sorry for not believing you. I wanted, so desperately, to live in those 6 years forever.
Everything has been so gray lately. I still think we were soulmates, and I'm sorry to you for having to be intertwined with me like this.
I hope you're happy, and safe, and I hope you don't hate me. I hope you remember me, even if not with love or fondness. Even if just in passing. I hope I didn't disappear from you that easily.
I wish I knew what else to say. This pain feels eternal. I love you.
-m











