hopeful romantic

i write love letters that i'll never send. // 24

[wlwdaydreamms]

did you notice how nervous i was when i pulled out the wobbly, almost as if afraid, flower from my pocket?

[wlwdaydreamms]

i think people love me a little bit too late. only after my love for them has faded after the disrespect i tolerated. after i've gained the courage to start packing my bags. after I've learn to choose between my dignity over their presence.

[wlwdaydreamms]

i do feel guilty knowing that my eyes and heart were longing for another woman when my fingers were still intertwined with someone else. but you have to understand my soul has been lonely for a long time. i've been floating through life without meaning and going with the flow because that's all i've learned to do. perhaps i am a coward for not being brave enough to let go and being afraid to pursue. i'm stuck in the middle without chains, just my own fear tying me down. perhaps your smile is enough to light a fire inside me but not strong enough to burn me. the pain is not unbearable enough that i have to run towards freedom. maybe you are just a fleeting moment. you are just a small gift from god to remind me my heart can still beat loudly and proudly and that i am alive. maybe the closest i could get to you is the accidental brush of your hand. i'll pretend i didn't notice it. and you'll pretend you didn't hear my breath caught in my throat. most of our conversations go without words, just our eyes locked. i'll pretend i didn't even notice you walking past. and you'll pretend you didn't notice my smile as i turned away. maybe in the end, it's you that i'll let go of. and i'll go back to whatever the hell i've been doing. passing through days like memories. skipping through life chapters like a book i am forced to read. but the pages containing you will be the most wrinkled. and there will be a page missing. you'll find it in my chest pocket.

[wlwdaydreamms]

days without you make me wish that i could control time. i want to skip the days where there is no chance of bumping into you. i'll rewind the time to our last conversation where you told me about your hobbies and i teased you about them. i'll rewind the moment over and over again just so your laugh is imprinted in my brain.

[wlwdaydreamms]

Have I said this before that I absolutely adore your words? The simplicity and the depth of them. One can tell that they are felt. You write feelings and only when you feel them. They are stripped of any superficiality or fabrication. I admit I'm probably biased as well because your writing style mirrors my own in many ways.

In any case, it's beautiful. Keep writing.

thats so sweet 😭😭 thank u!!

[wlwdaydreamms]

i went looking for a four leaf clover on one sunny afternoon. my eyes darted from the leaves and the mud. my earphones in my ears playing some melodramatic love songs. i wanted to keep the nature's rare gift in my pocket for the next time i see you. this small action costed me two hours of my life. but it didnt seem like a big deal because i wanted to give you my whole life.

[wlwdaydreamms]

when i die, i want to be remembered as...

someone who was grateful of life. always or mostly seeing things from a positive perspective. someone who still believe in humanity and expect everyone to have good intentions. definitely not naive, just hoping.

someone gentle. especially to the most vulnerable. the elderly and the people requiring extra help. to animals, but not so much bugs...

someone that enjoyed nothing more than a slow day. reading books. writing stories. listening to music. and unfortunately, a big love for alcohol and caffeine.

a great sister, friend, colleague and a person. always tried to be reliable.

who longed for independence but scared of the dark, heavy rain and being home alone at night.

someone kind to everyone regardless of status. someone generous, who knew human connections were far more valuable than papers. someone know knew that life is nothing more than a passage of time but believe they can make a difference anyway.

someone with a strong sense of curiosity to the world but knew they probably will never find out half the things they wanted to.

[wlwdaydreamms]

i spent years watching my peers achieved their goals in ease, as if opportunities were created for them. while i waited on the sidewalk for a car willing to take me in. even just for a short ride to avoid the raindrops. some rolled down their windows to take a closer look at me. deciding the person i was within minutes. judging if i was worth their leather seats. but nobody opened their doors.

i kept walking though. i knew if i kept going, i'll find a shelter somehow. but there were days when the ground was burning holes in my soles. there were nights when the fabric couldn't dodge the wind. there were moments when the roads were too foggy, i nearly tripped. and thunders that made my heart leapt out of fear.

yet i kept going.

i felt like i blacked out in the end. i wasn't sure if my feet dragged me to safety or if someone in a tiny but warm (almost too warm) car pulled me out of the pouring rain. all i knew was that my route had changed. only this time it was something that i chose for myself. from the beginning to the end. i followed it willingly.

[wlwdaydreamms]

do you know what being behind in life feels like? its as if everyone had long boarded the train that i didn't even know was leaving. by the time i arrived, it had already left without me. i waited for another one and when it came, it denied me. the trains kept coming, swallowing other passengers while i stood there, waiting. i waited and waited until i forgot what i was waiting for. my ticket is close to expiring or maybe it already has.

[wlwdaydreamms]

yes, life is fragile. one choice leads to a story or perhaps all choices lead to the same outcome. nobody knows.

regret is likely awaiting me. but somewhere along the grief and loneliness, there is growth and forced independence.

i will be fine.

[wlwdaydreamms]

life is meant to be lived, and not imagined. we are not meant to write away our life pretending to be somebody else. doing something else. being with someone else.

if we want it bad enough, then we should bring it to our reality.

perhaps we'll realise that we don't want it as much as we thought

[wlwdaydreamms]

am i chasing something that doesn't exist? am i pursuing someone that will never notice me?

[wlwdaydreamms]

i wonder if you can hear my pleas. the letters i have written, the songs i have sung, and the dreams i have been having. i wonder if my thoughts are loud enough to bypass time, the universe, and the impossible. i beg that if you can hear my desperate callings to give me an answer.

[wlwdaydreamms]

i would trade a long time to see you for a minute. i would risk being perceived as mad if that means i can hear your voice. i would be willing to be locked away if that means our connection was real at one point.

[wlwdaydreamms]

perhaps god exists.

and perhaps i had asked to be a human.

i had yearned for a life that i could feel.

i had asked god to give me a heart that could bleed.

lungs that could stop.

a brain that could hurt me.

i had begged for a life where i could live.

[wlwdaydreamms]

the weeks that followed after your disappearance were a blur. i kept myself busy with meaningless hobbies. i spoke to the moon about you, in hopes it will pass my farewell. i tried to continue my life as if nothing happened.

but i know,

i once loved you.

[wlwdaydreamms]

i am walking away not because i don't love you but because you make me the loneliest ive ever been.