I was surprised to see your post about the wife who was assaulted. What would you recommend to a couple wanting to continue but she's scared? She wants to move past it and not give up hotwifing.
That question did get a lot of attention, and I kind of wish that it wasn’t an “anonymous ask” so that I could have gotten more information. Whether it was actually an “assault” or simply a woman who had something happen to her and wasn’t sure how to communicate that she didn’t want it to happen makes a HUGE difference. As I mentioned in my original answer, I have had some similar things happen to me…I didn’t actually consider them an “assault” because I never told the guy “no” - not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t know how to and I didn’t want to ruin things. So…if the Hotwife in the original question had spoken prior to her encounter with this man about things that were “off the table” and he did them anyway, it was an assault, and of course if she protested at the time and he continued it was more than an assault, it was rape. If she never spoke about her “off the table” things, and just found herself in a situation where she didn’t know how to say “no”, or she hadn’t known to speak up front and before hand about what was off the table and the man she was with didn’t know she had a problem with what was happening, then it wasn’t an assault, he was just being a terrible jerk.
Take this situation for instance (it’s a personal one). During the threesome that D and I had, we spoke at length to the guy we chose ahead of time, we both thought that the other one had spoke about using condoms (I left it up to D, D thought I had talked to our choice about it). Once we all had a few drinks and ended up in the bedroom, clothes started coming off, everyone was doing things, and before D or I really knew what was happening, the guy was on top of me and inside of me…without a condom. This wasn’t what we wanted to happen - and the guy did not ask - BUT we also didn’t tell him to stop…D thought I was okay with it, I thought D was okay with it. I was afraid to ruin the moment for D, and it was all just an uncomfortable situation that I didn’t know how to “re-route” or even if I should Was the guy a bit of jerk for doing that without making SURE ahead of time it was okay? Absolutely. Was it an assault? No.
Unfortunately, this happens a lot more in the Hotwife Lifestyle than anyone likes to admit, which is why I even fielded the question in the first place. I’m all for showing ALL aspects of the lifestyle - the things that are sexy and erotic, and also the things that can go wrong, the uglier side of things, etc. I want everyone considering this lifestyle to be completely informed.
This lifestyle can be dangerous and risky, plain and simple. I’ve known women who have gotten themselves into situations where they didn’t know how to say no to something and ended up pregnant - that’s about as bad as it gets. It can be scary, especially when you’re out on your own for the expressed purpose of having “kinky sex” with someone you don’t know really well - in many cases, only messages and a meeting and then straight into the bedroom. The thing about it, though, is that it’s a negotiation, and you have to learn to negotiate.
A lot of the comments mentioned “This is why if we ever do this I will be there with my wife when it happens”…well, that’s great if she’s okay with that, but a lot of Hotwives aren’t super comfortable being “watched”, at least not in the beginning, they have to work up to it. Also, a BIG part of this fantasy for many men is having their wives or partners actually do things on their own - they don’t want to be present every time, as that turns things more into just a “threesome” situation. Having your husband present would definitely reduce the risk, BUT there is always the risk that if he steps out of the room for a bit something could happen (this happened to me - D left the room for 10 minutes one time during our threesome and something happened I was not prepared for and I did not want).
I’m not an expert, I’m also not a therapist, I just have some experience with the lifestyle AND with being not a particularly vocal woman - I’m a bit timid and nervous in these situations, and I can easily be “steamrolled” if you know what I mean. So, as to your question, what would I suggest to someone who had something bad happen and the wife is scared, but the couple wants to continue…first I would ask “does the wife really want to continue or does she feel pressured to continue”? This is a HUGE factor. If she feels as though if she stops her husband or partner is going to be disappointed in her or that she’ll be “ruining his fantasy” and that’s the only reason she’s willing to try again, then it’s not a good thing and she needs to speak up and talk to her partner about what is good for her.
IF the wife does want to continue, then I would suggest a better vetting process with the men she chooses. The husband or partner should get involved and make is presence knows - through the initial messages at least. D will often chat with my perspective lovers via message or we will all get together in a group “Kik” chat so that he can speak with the man I’m considering and remind him that even though he isn’t actually going to be there, that he is THERE. D usually always has my lover’s contact information too…either a phone number or a Kik chat handle, and he has access to all of our messages. This keeps things in the open, and even though at some point D will “back out” of the conversations, it’s known that he is there and is fully aware of everything, someone is looking out for me, etc.
The next thing that I would suggest is to get into a habit of being completely up front about what is okay and what isn’t okay. It might not be “sexy” to talk about some of the things you aren’t okay with as a woman, but it’s completely necessary. I will usually turn the conversation at some point and say something like “Okay, I know this isn’t the sexiest thing in the world, but we have to talk about x or y”. I usually list the things that are absolutes - whether protection will be used, the conditions that it might not be used, the things I’m okay with and not okay with, etc., and I get detailed - i.e. I’m not okay with anal (that’s just for D and I), I’m not okay with things getting “rough”, I’m not okay with bondage (again only with D), etc. Usually the guys I meet are fairly receptive…and I will gauge how they respond to my questions to see if they feel trustworthy.
Also GO SLOW…you don’t need to rush into anything with anyone you meet. You aren’t obligated to exchange 10 messages and set up a rendezvous for sex. Talk for a while, talk a lot, and get comfortable. If you’ve had something bad happen to you and you want to continue, but you’re scared…start slow - go with “soft stuff”. Suggest to a date that you are only open to “making out” or “oral” on the first date. Maybe go to a party with your partner and dip your toes in by flirting with a guy and maybe making out with him while there are other people around to stop things if they go too far or if you feel like you need help.
Now, when I do go out, there is a tracker on my phone that D can see where I am at all times. I meet in public the first time with a “no sex” stipulation so that I can see how the guy seems in person - this can be telling, whether he acts like a gentleman or whether I feel some kind of “bad vibe”. When it comes down to having sex, I have had to get a little stronger…I’ve actually had to say “no” a couple of times. I had a guy earlier in the process who I always used condoms with, because he was Poly, and at some point he attempted to “put it in” without a condom, and I had to tell him “no”. He backed off and we grabbed a condom and then continued.
So, those would be my main suggestions as to how to mitigate the risk as much as possible. My next suggestion is to remember that there ARE risks…bad things do happen, so as Hotwives we have to be prepared to stand up, speak up, and even walk out if necessary. As much as our partners are “there for us”, they can’t always be “there with us”, so it’s on us to do what needs to be done. There isn’t any room for being too “timid” in this lifestyle, and this has been something it’s taken me a long time to learn.
So, again, sorry for the seriousness of the posts in the last couples of days - these are just “asks” that I feel like need to be answered so that everyone who is in the lifestyle or considering it can see ALL aspects of things, not just the “rosy fantasy” that is often portrayed. This can be a fantastically fun lifestyle, but there are risks and we all have to be careful. Hope that answered your question…and remember, I’m not a therapist or an “expert”, just someone with a bit of experience and the ability to put thoughts down rationally while dealing with tough topics. :)
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