WHAT IS THE BEST DRINK?

[newnewcoke]

Philippines Brand Calamansi Juice Drink. 80 cents.

Can promises: NOT from concentrate; Sweet Memories of Cebu

I take my job as a drink reviewer seriously, so first and foremost I’d like to apologize for my disappearance. I wish I could say I was out in the field, hunting for rare and exotic drinks, but that would be big fat lie. I was busy, so excuuuuuuuuuuuse. 

This is not the best drink.

While I was unfamiliar with Calamansi juice drink, I had a taste profile in mind thanks to the illustration Philippines put on the can. I was spot on! It’s a very sweet citrus drink. Impressed? You’re welcome.

The thing about this drink is that it smells EXACTLY like those mandarins with the massive seeds. The ones that look like tangerines or clementines (who the heck can tell anymore!?!) but aren’t. Pure trickery! But of course, It’s hard to stay mad at them because they are so sweet. Universal truth right there. 

The can is pretty great cos it tells you to chill and serve. I love that. That’s basically how I plan to live my life from now on. Thanks can!! 

I also appreciate that i’ve got sweet memories of Cebu (Cebu is an island province in the Philippines, consisting of the main island itself and 167 surrounding islands and islets. Wikipedia) and I didn’t even have to leave the office! Chill n serve 4 ever.

[newnewcoke]

Shirakiku brand Ramune Grape Drink

No bottle promises

This is not the best drink.

Am I a broken record? NO! I am human being woman. Nice try. 

In fact, I am such a human being woman that today I decided to throw cola to the wind and drink straight from the Ramune bottle. Take that, polite society.

The marble remains a complete mystery. The soda is never allowed to flow smoothly down your pie hole. Instead I find myself angling the bottle and hoping that the marble doesn't ruin the experience, but it always does. On the bright side it extends the drinking experience by at least 4 minutes!

This grape drink is nice because it’s not a sick sludge like many other grape drinks often are (looking at you Grape Crush). Instead it’s a lite grape frizz drink. N.B: L-I-T-E cos its grape smell is so powerful that I couldn't help but imagine myself at the New Jersey chemical factory where all artificial flavours comes from. There I am, staring at a couple of lab coats pipettin’stuff from one test tube to another. And look over there, if it isn't a two-way mirror, behind which children can be seen drinking cheeto-fruit‘n’candy soda while a friendlier lab coat asks them questions about their bliss point. 

And I’m just taking it all in until the security guards that I managed to evade have finally tracked me down and start dragging me out as I scream at the top of my lungs: “WAKE UP PEOPLE! THE REVOLUTION IS NOW. FREE YOURSELVES” 

[newnewcoke]

LOTTE Refreshing Water 2% Peach

Can promises: Peach Juice 5%

This is not the best drink

This is a very nice drink and I usually don't care for false peach flavours. Now, this might have to do with the lack of colouring. In fact, it kind of made me reconsider my position on Crystal Pepsi. Everyone thought it insane at the time, but sitting here in 2015, I think we made a horrible mistake. We should have embraced the clear cola. We are cruel and unusual consumers. Shame! Shame! Shame!

Refreshing water is a dumb name because water is inherently refreshing. I guess a dumber name would be Thirst quenching water. So fine Lotte, I'll give your dumb name choice a pass. Wait, should I because I feel like Lotte is promoting their flavoured water as more refreshing than boring old plain water, which is rude. Lotte, I've already taken you to court once, so don't push me. 

What does 2% refer to if the can promises 5% peach juice? My guess, someone at Lotte HQ hates me. It’s the only possible explanation. 

[newnewcoke]

Paldo Sweet Cinnamon Punch

Can promise: Since 1993

This is not the best drink. 

Does Dentyne still make cinnamon gum? Hang on, lemme check. OK. Yes, it does.  

This drink or “punch” smells like Dentyne cinnamon gum. Specifically when you took it out of your mouth cos it was too spicy for your baby tongue. 

Remember when 90s Dads all chewed cinnamon gum? OK, full disclosure: that generalization was based on 1 dad I knew in the 90s (Sup Mr.Macaulay!)  I wonder if he still chews the stuff. Well, he’s probably 100 now or something, so maybe he graduated to Werther’s Originals.

Every time I sip this drink punch, I imagine someone at the Paldo factory juicing Dentyne gum just to extract the flavour. I am not a fan. Nor am I refreshed. Mostly, I just want to keep looking for the best drink.

This drink punch would actually be a lot better if it was the frozen top layer of a Cinnamon creamsicle. 

Paldo, according to your corporate website you are “the global food company of love and trust”, so if you truly love me you will do as I say and turn my frozen treat idea into a frozen treat reality. 

[newnewcoke]

SANGARIA Ramuné, Premium Carbonated Soft Drink, Melon

Bottle promises: MADE with REAL SUGAR, Naturally flavoured.

Rules: Ask an adult to open the bottle for you. Do not disassemble the plastic mouthpiece on the bottle. Do not remove the marble from the bottle. To avoid injury do not place the cap, opener or marble in your mouth and do not place any body parts into the bottle. Do not store this product in the freezer or expose to high temperature. Do not consume if the glass ball is broken or descended prior to opening.

This is not the best drink.

I knew before I started this quest that it would not be easy. That I would face many trials and tribulations before I found the best drink. Sangaria’s Ramuné melon soda proved my point. Never before had I ever contended with a beverage that came with a 6 step instruction manual. How complicated could opening a bottle of soda be? Well really g-d complicated. 

Getting into SANGARIA Premium Carbonated College is pretty straightforward. Just fill out a couple forms, submit an essay and headshot, interview with the dean of admissions. Once accepted tuition sets you back a couple hundred k, but it’s worth it, y’know? 

The SANGARIA Premium Carbonated College campus is pretty chill. People are really into the popular drinking game Soda Tag (whoever’s “it” has to chug as much soda as humanly possible while people chant: FIZZ! FIZZ! FIZZ!)  

I definitely suggest opting for the meal plan. It makes life that much easier during exam season. 

Take Professor Sander’s History of Bottles class. It’s life changing. 

Anyway, I got my degree (still can't believe how fast those 6 years flew by!) and Got my SANGARIA Diploma framed and placed over the mantle, marched over to the store and bought my drink. I was ready. No more messing around. I tore off the plastic wrap, made sure to double check the instructions. Put on some formal attire. Popped the marble into the bottle and took the first sip of the rest of my life.

The soda is alright. I had hoped for a real melon flavour wallop. No dice. 

Solid fizz. 

I am considering getting an MA in Sodiatrics at Soda Tech in Maine. Just got to take out a few more loans. 

[newnewcoke]

Lotte CocoGrape - Grape & Coconut

Can promises: Contains coconut jelly. Please see base of can for date. 

This is not the best drink.

That said I don't hate it. Lotte was on thin ice yesterday for their cider lies, but today I’ll give them a pass because this drink gave me a Proustian experience. As soon as I opened the can I was blasted with a fake grape smell which instantly brought back to those muggy summer days when purple popsicles were always on the menu and I spent many hours indoors watching television. 

The floating coconut jelly adds a touch of frivolity to the drinking experience which I'm never opposed to. 

I was disappointed by the total lack of fizz. The best drink is fizzy. Everybody knows that.

O.T Genasis is in love with the coco, but personally speaking, I’d like to keep our relationship platonic. 

[newnewcoke]

Lotte’s Chilsung Cider 0.89¢

Can promises: Pure, Clear, Caffeine Free.

This is not the best drink.

Lotte must dominate the Korean market because calling this drink “cider” seems like a class action lawsuit waiting to happen. And yet, here we are chugging Chilsung Cider while pretending everything is juuuuuust fine. 

Your honour, I would like to present my only Exhibit to the jury.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, may I present to you Lotte’s Chilsung Cider. Take a sip. I’ll wait... (SFX: entire Jury sipping, followed by audible GASP.) That’s right folks, it’s just Sprite wearing a different jacket. Don't get me wrong, I like Sprite, or I did when I was a baby adult. But now I'm an adult adult and its flavour too sweet. That said, as an adult adult I've also tasted cider, and this folks, this is not cider. Chilsung or no chilsung this is not cider this is a lemon lime Sprite-like drink. I rest my case FOREVER. 

The fizz evokes memories of Marks and Spencer’s Lemonade. I wonder if Lotte makes Ringos. They might, but they probably call them Pizzas. 

[newnewcoke]

Milkis (99 Canadian cents)

This is not the best drink.

At first it fizzes like a childhood science experiment, but the excitement only lasts for a few seconds. After that you're stuck with an overly sweet concoction reminiscent of creamy Sprite. 

It smells nice. Like those Campino candies that had their time in the sun a few years ago. God, those were crazy days. People were popping candies like they were pills. Dentists on every corner...

The can’s boastful tone might put off potential customers, but don't fret the contents are in no way emotionally revolutionary. 

[newnewcoke]

This is not the best drink.

It tastes like extremely sweet Earl Grey tea with milk in it. 

Does the label say so? There’s literally no way of finding out. 

They put rice in the can which is neat because you don't often associate thirst with rice. I respect people who can think outside the box. You should too.