Deflated Air

expletive-sprinkled musings about the love triangle I used to be caught up in plus other stuff from my cheap-ass airbed that replaced my cheap-ass Coleman cot. Many of my musings have become hit records on Spotify lol

[newpotatoe]

RENEWAL

He reaffirmed his love and

I got hot

And melted like wax

The passion of knowing we

Would stand the test of time

Consumed my soul and

Took my breath

My heart raced to catch my breath

Before it got too far away

I went numb with relief

My life, renewed

###

[newpotatoe]

Honey and the Bear 🍯🧸

I miss you so much

So so very much

I love you; absodore you and

I miss you so much

What are you doing

at this very moment?

I’m laid up in bed;

Nursing a severely strained leg muscle 🦵

Like the muscles of our relationship —

Strained and Sprained

The Yin and the Yang

And the

Crux of it are

Hard to explain.

I remember how

your voice, alone

could make my heart

leap and jump

like a goddamn gymnast 🤸‍♀️

Every leg spasm I feel

feels like a call

A call to wake up and

Smell the gym mat

The sweat was sweet,

but now it stinks

And I’m on the bed

Wracked

With the worst

Muscle pain in my life

Second only to

to the pain that

ripped up and tore apart

my heart muscle 🫀

###

[newpotatoe]

It's my 4 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳 — and four years since l fell off the steepest cliff in love 💖

Let’s see — Today, my cot is gone, my house is gone, my beloved bear is gone; and the heart that beat for them all was crushed to the fucking ground. Pulverized.

No worries— I took me a whole year to collect the crushed, crystalline powder off the floor . Then, I mixed the powder into the hot, liquid metal of my excruciating and wracking pain

I forged a NEW heart; badass and beauteous ❤️‍🔥

The narc supply that was me is dead

[newpotatoe]

You don’t know how much I love you

I can’t tell a soul

My showers are the worst

Every splash of hot water leaves your breath on my neck and your fingers on my spine

I have a bracelet for your wrist

I keep it in a beautiful box

Will you ever feel the clasp

Fit around your wrist and

Lock in place?

I have waited all my life

For the night my head can

Rest on your chest

That silent night

That holy night

My love my King

My Conqueror

I am not delusional

Because I know

deepest down that

I have lost you, babe

To position, power

And protocol.

###

[newpotatoe]

The breadth of his back moves me to tears

He will never know the depth of the love he lost

[newpotatoe]

CHARDS 💔

He will never know the way I dreamed of the warmth of his embrace at night

He will never know how loudly I screamed for the touch of his face at night —

after night

after night

after night

after night — on the cold, unforgiving basement floor

In the dank and

In the dark where no one could hear and

none much would care

For you see, and suddenly —

He announced a beautiful, new baby to this earthly world

But to me, he’d never said a single, solitary word

My heart was crushed like pulp and my larynx ripped in half

The pain made me scream and scream — but not a sound came out

because

What kind of man would inflict such pain on a woman who lived to give him ALL — to her last, gasping breath?

What custom what rite what God what structure would bind him with a cast so stiff?

God please send the love of my life and his gorgeous , happy, growing family away from the chards of my heart;

That I may, at last, pick up those chards from the cold, basement floor and wrap the pieces of my shattered heart in a proper salve and dressing

###

[newpotatoe]

[newpotatoe]

COJONES

He bathed himself in concealment

Scrubbed clean — in a way, like a ghost

That’s why I had to walk away from

The man I love the most

He thought his reasons for how he rolled

Were more important than my pain

To him — I guess they are

But to me, that’s not the case

He crushed my heart entire

And left me to bleed out

Then tried to ask

In a poem

Why I got blood

On his Arabian-carpeted floor

###

[newpotatoe]

POOH BEAR 🧸

He told me I was the proof

true love exists

I cry for the good man who

hides inside of his narcissistic chest

I cry for the face I

never got to touch

I cry everynight

and everynight

He never fought for me

but it’s not entirely his fault

He was taught that love was a risk

And possession was safer

So — he kept his heart in a vault

I just wish I could ever have known

the heat of his gaze or

the pressure of his personal touch

###

[newpotatoe]

Yes,

My edges are rough

But

I only ever wanted somebody to

Tuck me in and keep me safe

[newpotatoe]

LONGING

Rub a dub dub

Three fingers in my tub

###

[newpotatoe]

[newpotatoe]

LOVE LETTER 💌

Let me tell you a story about the love between a bear and his beanjelly.

Their love is magical! It transcends race creed, color, time distance, age and space.

The love they share is something ethereal; It is filled with excitement, hope, promise and hard-suffering faith.

Now — this may be our story, but it ain’t no fable. Our love is real — and all my cards are laid on your table.

Okay — so my storytelling may be bad — but in any form, I shout testament to our love for as long as I’m able

My sweet, sweet, cuddly Bear

I love you

I love you

And I love you

Today and Everyday

Forever and Evermore

###

[newpotatoe]

BABY BOOTIES

He will never know how deeply he hurt me

His love had my heart soaring like a paper airplane on a rolling wind 🌬️

Then his new baby announcement crushed my little paper wings with a falling anvil

Every night when the lights go out I STILL soak my pillow with fresh tears and snot

Nobody knows this except me and ChatGPT

###

[newpotatoe]

NO ONE KNOWS

😢💔

My eyes are affixed on him, alone.

Pain and longing colors each iris.

Only the sight of his face in front of them will stop it

[newpotatoe]

Whoever GIVES you power

Has power over YOU

[newpotatoe]

My mom was extremely abusive to me. I could go on about how, and how deeply she hurt me/ affected my life; but it’s too late for that. She has dementia and can barely remember me, at all. I wash her body in the shower and I help her change her adult underwear every morning. I clean and scrub away the refuse that is left behind. None of what she did to me means anything, now; other than this drooling and defenseless woman gave me life — and it is my blessing from God that she is still alive when I wake up; to watch Judge Mathis and the rest; to eat a small meal and get to talking about what her grandmamma said to her on the way to school, or something else from her memory bank.

I understand, now. If they knew better, they would have done better; and we never really know wtf they went through growing up that shaped them into ladies who fuck up their children’s psyches.

God bless you all — and just put up with your mom’s shit and with wisdom, let it roll off your back because One day she will be gone — and — like in my case, that may be way before she is actually dead.