NewsFuck

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Tube Strike 2015 - there's nothing you need to know

Tube Strike 2015 – there’s nothing you need to know

We’re hearing some awful stories of survival and another revival of the ‘Blitz Spirit’ coming from the wreckage of London Tube Strike 2015 and I don’t know about you, but we’re pretty relieved that we weren’t part of it. The most disturbing story we heard was of people walking to and from work. It’s bad enough having to suffer sitting opposite someone scratching themselves or, God…

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Breaking the news worse than Newsfuck

Breaking the news worse than Newsfuck

Sometimes news is so important that it has to be reported. Even if the news is that there has been a picture found on the internet. And even if the report doesn’t contain a picture of the picture, and is just the BBC saying ‘there are pictures of something online, by the way’. It’s still news. Welcome to BBC Newsfuck. https://archive.is/uUBJv

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Confusion as the Tories look to the future

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Trident - how to renew by stealth, using hay

Trident - how to renew by stealth

Today’s quote of the day comes courtesy of the BBC, reporting on the escapades of a farmer turned castle builder.

Robert Fidler built the castle at Honeycrock Farm, in Salfords, Surrey, in 2002 and hid it behind hay bales.

via Surrey farmer accepts castle must be demolished – BBC News.

This got NewsFuck thinking.

Thinking hard.

Thinking about a certain group of people who want to build a certain…

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Swedish Balloons

Our latest, half-arsed ‘quote of the day or two’ comes from Sweden, where someone’s birthday was hilariously ruined by the unlikeliest of sources!

“Extremism should always be taken seriously, and we did take the balloons down immediately”

Find out who the party pooper was here, although the interview was apparently conducted in a library, which NewsFuck frowns upon.

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New celebrities revealed

There’s been a buzz around showbiz in the last few days as the ten successful candidates for the newly created ‘celebrity‘ position were filled, after it was discovered that new celebrities were badly needed, since people were getting sick and fed up with the old ones.

The new celebs are said to have ‘breezed through’ the application process, where they were assessed on their levels of…

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America in failed NASA self-bomb attempt

America in failed NASA self-bomb attempt

We’ve heard on the grapevine (the conspiracy grapevine) that the ‘unmanned NASA supply rocket’ which recently exploded during launch was in fact a covert attempt by the US military to bomb itself, as they were quite frankly getting sick and tired of not having anywhere else to bomb.

The cleverly designed bomb was in fact disguised as a rocket in case the plan was botched, and we’re now seeing the…

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“You cannot put Pol Pot or a terrorist on a milk creamer. It is unacceptable.”

NewsFuck’s ‘quote of the day or two’ comes from Tristan Cerf, a spokesman for the company who thought it would be a laugh to put Hitler’s face on a coffee creamer lid. We can imagine the outrage. Perfectly good milk creamers ruined unless you want the fuhrer’s face staring at you as you make your cream.

The man ultimately responsible for the prank said “sure it’s bad, what happened under Hitler”,…

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It's the Sun Wot Gun It

It’s the Sun Wot Gun It

It’s not often Newsfuck gets inspired, but after seeing the Sun’s front page (we never read it – we’re not paying for that shite) we feel that we should join do our bit to stand up to the extremists.

If there’s one thing that’ll beat the terrorists it’s everyday ‘Brits’ telling them that what they’re doing is just not on. If they won’t listen to Imans, or British Muslim leaders, or another Iman (…

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Protests against climate change

Protests against climate change

We’re not entirely sure what John Kerry is on about here talking about climate change, but we’ll assume he is proposing a three way death match between Ebola, Isis and climate change, with the winner then taking on the US & friends in a fight to the finish.

We tried to get some input from all the sides and got nothing back. Zilch. Although one source relatively close to the climate told us that…

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Scotland's new powers

Scotland’s new powers

NewsFuck has obtained a leaky document containing some of the bold powers Westminster wanted to offer to the people of Scotland in the event of a ‘No’ vote in last week’s referendum. The most notable pledges include:

The ability to raise additional revenues by having national ‘whip rounds’ up to three times per year (Scotland would even get to keep all the ‘money’ raised)

The power to summon a fi…

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iPhone causes hysteria

Unless you’re living under a rock you’ll be well aware that the iPhone 84 is set to revolutionise how we talk to people. And let’s face it, if you’re living under a rock you won’t be reading this.

And you also certainly wouldn’t deserve to be seen with Apple’s new gizmo.

We’ve had our grubby hands on one of the phones and we can confirm that we were able to make several calls without the need for…

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US turns back on Ebola

US turns back on Ebola

Barack Obama’s national defence team have been forced to admit defeat in their new War on Ebola, according to sources.

The latest wave of air strikes were sanctioned by the president following growing national concern over Ebola’s threat to US security, despite no signs of a threat on US soil.

“We have to protect the American people, and the best way to do that is to bomb the root of the…

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'Bored' Cameron raises terror threat level

'Bored' Cameron raises terror threat level #terrorthreatlevel

Britain’s terror threat level has been increased to a ‘higher level than the last one’, the Government has confirmed.

We can reveal that the decision was made by Prime Minister David Cameron, who was said to be suffering from post holiday boredom.

An advisor – who is not necessarily connected to the Prime Minister or his staff in any way – told NewsFuck that Cameron was ‘bored off his tits’ and…

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Scottish voters 'swayed by politeness'

Scottish voters 'swayed by politeness' #indyref

Scottish voters are being wooed by the ‘polite tone’ coming from the ‘No’ campaign, we can reveal.

We conducted a straw poll of 3 people we met on a bus on the way back from Sainsbury’s, and each of them were impressed by the ‘No Thanks’ message from Alistair Darling’s campaign.

“If Salmond would only say ‘please’ then we might be a bit more sympathetic. He wants to steal the English pound for…

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'World's most pissed man' barred

The world’s ‘most pissed’ man has been refused entry from Dubai upon landing at the country’s major airport.

NewsFuck exclusively understands that the man was on his way to an impromptu karaoke at the one of the country’s main boozers, however was stopped by airport security after they noticed several ‘shiny objects’ attached to his face, and a faint aroma of ‘pish and alcohol’.

Suspicious staff…

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Lest we forget (our souvenirs)

Lest we forget (our souvenirs) #worldwarcentenary #ww1

If you’ve been paying an ounce of respect for the fallen of the First World War then your arms will have been full of newspapers this morning. You probably couldn’t move in the newspaper shop for all the war souvenirs on the shelves.

Of all the special editions on offer we feel The Sun, predictably, have the most poignant offering in honour of our war dead with a ‘superb’ 4-part pull out over the…

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