public diary of public enemy

[newtranslation]

7/22/2026

sooooooooooooo many thoughts, luckily i'm coping quite well maybe.

i am impressed with how accurately i predicted my own emotional future and how well i put my feelings about the present into words. it turns out that my "you could sprint, you could squint, you could wince" playlist was not for hyneman but actually me. it was incredibly topical and relevant to the aftermath rather than a good running playlist for him likely. so sad it didnt work out, it sucks because there's no reason to force it. i will force it with maximillian, part of working through my feelings is a. not hanging out with him as much anymore b. acceptance c. acceptance. im going through every stage of grief. i wish someone could come save me. i wish i could save myself. What i wrote hyneman was "beautiful and Thoroughly Crushing". thank you i am beautiful and thoroughly crushed. like an expensive cocktail. i keep losing friends because i have sex with them. i should retire to a surf town early. i'm over this bullshit.

[newtranslation]

7/16/2026

it's so over, i actually think im headed to the guillotine when i fly to georgia. i fear nothing good will come of the trip and it's embarrassing to even be associated with a man. i think im going there to get my head chopped off, and i will come back headless and crazy. it doesnt help that max fucked me up so badly. i feel completely alone in a way that i did not know was possible. the shut out of possibility bc he raped me, the way i still want him and love him, the way he doesnt want me, the way i dont want him, the way henry doesnt talk to me, yet here i am milking my infatuation to give myself motivation to find a way to feel something, like somebody wants me, like somebody cares about me, someone who isnt my family and friends. i know im not alone, i love my people, but dont i deserve romantic love too? intimate moments with someone who enjoys spending time with me as well? im not ironic, i want something so deep and special and i know its rose tinted glasses but i miss my old life with cameron. maybe im the ultimate sniveling sad sack for being so hopelessly nostalgic for that deep connection of normalcy. everything i did was normal, anything i did was normal, cameron accepted me, thought i was funny, and he sucked in so many special ways but he's still the only person i ever felt truly understood me and loved me and he's gone now from my life forever. i cant believe its been two years already. i miss him so much. and four years since he broke my heart into a million shikon jewel shards im still collecting by sending myself into the past to find them all. so i rebuild my heart, it's really hard to rebuild your heart when other poeple arent careful with it though

[newtranslation]

in a whisper that can't be heard: i think i was raped. this is the year of sexual assault or this is the land of sexual assault, bc lowkey luke and gio did some insanely questionable things. and i think i am reaping consequences. i am scarred. and also thinking questionable things.

[newtranslation]

6/26/2026

it is

NEVER too late

stay calm, make more appointments monday

stay calm

stay calm

stay calm

[newtranslation]

6/17/2026

okay, okay, OKAY!!! we have been

-doing all the things we said we would and wanted to do

-we are still in constant flux and change and trying to work on oneself

-i am...

for lack of better words

"trying something different", i dont really like it actually

[newtranslation]

everyone mad on the tl today (4 very good reason)

[newtranslation]

MONK MODE BITCH

[newtranslation]

rules:

build good habits

dont buy cheap underwear anymore

dont keep stuff that doesnt bring you joy

spend more money

spend less money

[newtranslation]

doing that thing again, ive only gotten right once or twice and it still wasnt perfect

im reinventing myself again

im gonna probably spend a lot of money to do it

or im not, but im reinventing myself again

starting with buying the pair of shoes that are certain to change my life

[newtranslation]

aomething about the manic introspection means i have a deep desire to chat again but only to myself! too bad i have not had interesting thoughts in a long time. also wheres the japanese nivea stick!

im gonna have some personal onsen time when i get home, and maybe an exfoiliation procedure. i also want to make some bag charms and a tote bag maybe. who knows, i'll likely get home and collapse into a heap. a lethargic beautiful heap.

[newtranslation]

3/27/2025

another third of the year through another long list to not maybe possible do?

surf

swim

love again

paddleboard

bike

life

sunscreen

moisturize

love

love again and again

finding that joy has been so hard, but i have to remember all the unfettered fun ive had tegardless of my depth of mento illnass.

i wish to surf more and again, i wish to be less stressed, these past two years have not been kind to me. LESS STRESSSSSSSSS, less hanging out with people idc about, less dumb as fuck conversations, i dont want to be a part of these fuckos!!! they say dumb rude things and are dumb rude people, obsessed with themselves for no reason because theyre quite boring and Im projecting but sincerely, i dont want to be around folks like that anymore.

i miss biking, i miss swimming, i miss snowboarding, i miss skylar, i miss michelle, i miss feeling something and talking to people i love talking to.

[newtranslation]

3/27/2026

at another emotional precipice again, a new numb? or a new feeling i can not identify. i choose joy, i live for happiness, and i am no longer chasing feelings i know will become unsatisfactory. as much as i hate to say it, the intense emotional maturity that has developed recently is really nice to feel. like i don't feel bad?

i don't want to voice my feelings aloud at the moment, I am unkind in my mind, about this currently. i can not currently identify where my selfishness and my self end and begin. I want to be alone right now, I think it's a huge cope! but i have been coping for a long time now. I have enjoyed the fruits of the everyone's labours and it doesn't mean i have to stick around to prune the tree. ? how selfish of me! i am not selfish though, i give myself again and again, and i will give myself over again and again. I am a large sacrifice to myself and this earth. i am also kind of over giving facebook money! im kind of over my social media in general. i feel wildly disingenous and i feel as though ive completely lost a teenage spark that once existed in me.

i also do not know what the point of hanging out with losers is... i dont share much in common with these assholes and i dont want to. theyre all white, boring, and suckle on each other's inanity. i can choose joy and still be a caustic substance. i'm so sick of being nice to these freaks.

[newtranslation]

2-15-2026 so i have something i need to get off my chest.... i have a whole heart i want to get off my chest

i want to barf, i should be single, i get so motherfucking sad thinking about it, and i shouldnt think about it. i want to barf knowing i shouldnt think about it. i want possibility again. i think ive accidentally shut myself out of my whole life. im not having fun right now.

[newtranslation]

2/5/2026

not being patheitc anymore!!! in insanely beautiful new orleans and im in a gorgeous attic space listening to the parade go by and chappel roan pink pony club is playing and every marching band is so intensely delightful and loud and they are beating with the fervor of my heart and i feel like im in the most magical place ive ever been, its so intensely perfect, the big band, the dancers, the floats, the lights!!!! i got here by pure magic (aka money but IDC!!!!)

[newtranslation]

im so lonely and i dont know who to tell or what to do about it, i'm so lonely. i don't like any of the people currently around me, i feel greedy and unfulfilled at the same time, why do i hate everyone so much, why cant i stop, i cant help but feel like i should become a hermit truly. i cant seem to make friends i love and want and enjoy to be around and who seem to want the same of me. i should get a dog and move in with roommates who are never home and i should build a life alone with some animals i barely take care of. i barely take care of myself. i am disposed, i wish i could dispose of myself. its okay, i keep going until i die. i wish lots of ugly things, too ugly for words. i hate myself so deeply and i hate the way i interact with everyone, i hate interacting with people and them. what is wrong with me.

[newtranslation]

1/7/2026

brush teeth

low stimuli time

girl boss

more

[newtranslation]

1/3/2026

hmmmmmm i want to simply describe what i want happen in 2026, i can feel myself genuinely trying and getting better, these past six years have not for nothing, nothing has been for nothing, everything that has happened is not a fault within myself but a fact of being alive. i deserve empathy from myself, i can be kind to myself through the retrospective lens. I want to shower myself with kindness, and I want to stop engaging with people and behaviors that make me act out and feel ashamed.

I will practice kindness and above all i must practice more detachment for the small stressors or I must work harder to forgo them. Changing what happens is far better than letting it go everytime. I need to cultivate stronger friendships out here with more women, and