Official Predictions for the 2016 Stanley Cup Playoffs, by Nicole (@hockeycaptains) and Jarka (@tjoshov). Prepare to be exposed to the Truth, and other shenanigans. We're just trying to have a good time.
There are a ton of games tonight (9, to be exact) and your mods here at nhlpredictions are great but we’re not superhuman. To combat that, we’re doing a few shorter predictions for some of the other games!
Here are your three stars for a few of the other matchups going down tonight!
Devils vs Panthers:
Mod Nicole’s devotion to Taylor Hall’s well-being and happiness
Taylor Hall’s resilience in the face of adversity
Taylor Hall’s speed both with and without the puck
Habs vs Sabres:
Zemgus Girgensons being encouraging to his teammates
Jack Eichel getting the recognition and love that he deserves despite his luck. ;___;
Alexander Galchenyuk laughing at his own bad jokes during media
Canes vs Jets:
Jacob Trouba still not having a contract??? yikes
Jeff Skinner’s figure skating moves during morning skate
Noah Hanifin’s hair cut.
Hockey’s back, y’all! That’s all we have for tonight, but it’s a long season, and we’re very excited to be here providing the only hockey news coverage you need. As always, feel free to shoot us an ask or reply here, or talk to us on our personal blogs at @hockeycaptains and @tjoshov respectively!
A rematch for the ages! Plenty of rivalries here--and warning: if you’re a fan of either team, your tumblr dash will probably be at least a little bit hostile tonight. Either join in with the chirping, or take a few biiiiiig steps back, because it’s about to get Heated.
Here’s what we think will happen in this game, which promises to be fast paced and fierce:
There will be gratuitous shots of Alex Ovechkin during the Pens Stanley Cup banner rising. Mod Jarka will probably cry.
Sidney Crosby will get credited a point on every goal, even the ones scored by the Caps.
Kris Letang will fight...someone...who knows, probably everyone. Tom Wilson will get sent to the penalty box even though he wasn't even on the ice during the fight.
Olli Maatta will look cute and soft and blond.
Andre Burakovsky will try to fight someone before remembering Angry Dad Justin Williams is not on his line anymore. Mean Lars Nicklas Backstrom will not help his winger and Burakovsky will get sent to the penalty box.
Braden Holtby will look beautiful and save some goals.
Nobody will score as many goals as Auston Matthews did last night. Zach Sanford will try, but, hey, we can't all be Auston Matthews, right? Or can we???
Matt Cullen’s Dad Powers will be out in full force as he accidentally adopts every Caps player under the age of 27
Hey friends! We’re back in action! Lots of hockey today, so we’ve got lots of predictions for you!
This promises to be a heavy hitting game, pitting the fierce defense of the ducks with the offense that nudged the stars to the top of the Western Conference last year.
Here’s what we think will go down:
During warm-ups, Ducks Captain Ryan Getzlaf will skate without a helmet. The lights in the arena will reflect off of his bald head and temporarily blind Stars Defenseman Johnny Oduya. There is no prediction as to what will happen with regards to Oduya’s reaction, but we wish him the best
For good luck, Lindy Ruff will wear a headband with a gold star on it, not unlike that of a Christmas tree topper
Antoine Roussel will have dyed his hair platinum blond. It’ll be a good look, or at the very least one that gets people talking
Jamie Benn and his vacant doe eyes will make a triumphant return after an injury sidelined him from the World Cup of Hockey
Emerson Etem, happy to be back playing for the Greatest State In This Miserable Country, will score his first goal of the season, prompting even the Dallas Home Crowd to cheer “YES EMERSON YES!”
Every time the Stars score a goal, elevator music will play, and the camera will pan to Benn.
Patrick Sharp’s hair, am I right? This isn’t a prediction, he just has great hair
We’re back, and we’re better than ever! It’s been a wild summer full of trades, drama, and plenty of shirtless training pics, but hockey season is gearing back up, which means we’re here to bring you the #FACTS you deserve.
Team USA and Team Europe are both on the older side, and it may come down to grit vs. discipline. Today’s game should certainly be interesting, for lack of a better word.
The World Cup of Hockey might be fake, but these predictions are 100% real, or your money back:
Anze Kopitar will look like he needs a nap
Team USA, having witnessed the most egregious snub in international hockey history by Team North America, will recruit a secret weapon for this game: criminally underrated American Alex Galchenyuk is back with a vengeance, and ready to score some goals
Impostor John Carlson might score a goal. He might not. It’ll be a surprise
Someone from Team USA hits Tiny European Leon Draisaitl. Zdeno Chara flattens them in retaliation, and it’s awesome
Team Europe’s anthem is actually the Zemgus Girgensons rap, even though he’s not actually on the team
Kopitar’s dog is selected as the unofficial mascot for Team Europe
Handsome Leon scores a goal because Team USA’s d-men all get distracted by his jawline
Should be a fun one! And yes, thanks for asking, it is good to be back!
aweekofsaturdays replied to your post “predictions: 2016 NHL Awards”
I usually love you BUT HOW CAN YOU NOT LET THE WOOKIE WIN THE NORRIS WHY U DO DISSSSS (I mean even for joke purposes alone, augghh)
for the record, everything abt the nhl awards was a disaster and hockey is fake. alas it was much easier to swallow all of our predictions being wrong when we picked people who weren’t nominated and/or eligible in the first place, hence us snubbing....pretty much everyone, lol.
Yes, the rumors are true! We are BACK for some off-season shenanigans, bringing you Official Predictions for all sorts of fun events, starting, obviously, with the NHL Awards in Vegas. While some of these winners may seem unlikely, just trust us. We know what we’re doing.
HART TROPHY
WINNER: Jack Eichel
The tiniest Sabre was a bright light in a rather nondescript season for this Buffalo team, racking up FIFTY-SIX whole points like a total beauty. The good news? Buffalo’s tanking resulted in them drafting their leading goal scorer for the 2015-2016 season. The bad news? There is no bad news! Congratulations to Jack Eichel for being the shoe-in to win the Hart Trophy at the tender age of 15, the youngest in history to do so.
RUNNER UP: Phil Kessel
Honestly?? He deserves this?? Seriously guys, Phil is great and we want him to have good things, including almost winning the Hart Trophy at the 2016 NHL Awards.
NORRIS TROPHY
WINNER: Kris Letang
Let’s be real - who deserves this award more than the man, the myth, the legend who played entire periods worth of hockey per game while also fighting the entirety of the opposing team, his own team, both coaching staffs, and probably also himself. Plus, like. That flow, though. And he has the cutest kid on the entire planet, so of course he should win.
RUNNER UP: PK Subban
No one rocks a suit like PK. That alone is enough to make him a real contender for this award. Plus, the initials in PK stand for “Penalty Kill” according to Subban, so of course he’s going to be a great defenseman. Simple logic.
CALDER TROPHY
WINNER: Gabriel Landeskog (Again!)
While the league defines the Calder Trophy as a trophy awarded to the rookie who showed exceptional skill and ability in their first season in the NHL, we at nhlpredictions know the truth: it goes to the cutest blond player in the league that is good at hockey. Landeskog is very cute, very blond, and very skilled. When confronted about the fact that he isn’t technically a rookie (and has already won the Calder trophy), Landeskog allegedly replied, “I’m younger than Panarin!” Which is true, so. Fair enough.
RUNNER UP: Noah Hanifin
Runner-up Noah Hanifin also has all the qualities a good rookie should have: like Landeskog he is very cute, very blond, and very skilled. He’s even actually a rookie! The only reason he didn’t win first place is because of the mixed opinions regarding his hair at the end of the season. While nhlpredictions mod tjoshov was (egregiously) a fan, most were not. Alas, Landeskog will likely win out in the end.
SELKE TROPHY
WINNER: Nicklas Backstrom
No one does defense quite like Mean Lars Nicklas Backstrom. Arguably one of the best centers in the league, Nicky also upped up his defensive game this season. Or did he? Even if he didn’t, he deserves to win just because he featured in a great advertisement for a hair salon that offered a chance to GET FUNKY THE BACKIS WAY. Nicklas Backstrom, defending the NHL with his beautiful blond locks since 1906.
RUNNER UP: Ryan Nugent-Hopkins
RNH took the idea of being a defensively oriented forward to a whole new level this last season. Instead of defending for his own team, he made it easier for other teams to defend the Oilers by breaking his hand just one game before the return of Tiny Hockey Legend Connor McDavid. This assured that any team defending against the Oilers at any point during the winter wouldn’t have to deal with their offence at full capacity. Thank you for all that you did for the league this season, Ryan.
LADY BYNG AWARD
WINNER: Antoine Roussel
A gentleman on and off the ice, Antoine Roussel is loved by referees, opposing players, and everyone in between. Affectionately referred to as “fuck off, Rouss,” he has delighted the league with his excellent sportsmanship and dedication to keeping the game clean. He had one of the lowest total PIMs in the league, coming it at only 148 PIM for the 15/16 season. We look forward to seeing him set an example for young players in the years to come.
RUNNER UP: Tom Wilson
There are few people who are as loved in the NHL as Roussel, but if anyone comes close, it’s Tom Wilson. Especially loved in cities such as Philadelphia and New York, Wilson has made an impact on the ice with his clean style of play that often leaves arenas speechless. With only 163 PIMs this season, it’s obvious that Wilson’s conduct is a shining example for others in the league.
VEZINA TROPHY
WINNER: Carey Price
Despite playing only 12 regular season games, Carey Price is still the best goalie in the league, now and forever, probably. We expect him to win this because of his immense skill and powerful dimples, as well as his dedication to recovering during the season. We expect him to arrive at the awards wearing cowboy boots and a cowboy hat, holding a coil of rope. “Sorry, everyone,” he’ll probably say, “I wasn’t expecting this at all, I just flew in from lassoing some cows where I live.”
RUNNER UP: Martin Jones
If anybody stood out this past post-season, it’s Martin Jones. Congratulations to Jones for single-handedly pulling the Sharks through the SCF and winning them the Stanley Cup in an alternate timeline where Sidney Crosby doesn’t exist, and also just for being a total babe.
ADAMS AWARD
WINNER: Mike Sullivan
Thanks Sully for winning the Pens their second cup and putting smiles on the faces of a team that always deserves the best. Nothing is better than a happy Sidney Crosby (except for a happy Pascal Dupuis), and for all the time you spent yelling at these boys on the bench, it’s great to see them come out of the season with the Cup in their hands.
RUNNER UP: Todd McLellan
It can’t have been easy for Todd McLellan to put up with the Oilers’ shit this season. For all that we at nhlpredictions are baffled and often morbidly entertained by the Oilers’ ability to lose despite having so much talent on their team, Coach McLellan must be doubly so. If I had his gig, honestly, I’d have stopped coming into work well before the end of the season.
LINDSAY TROPHY
WINNER: TJ Oshie
American Hero TJ Oshie wowed the NHL (and the world) this season with his killer smile, great hair, and devastatingly adorable pictures with his wife and daughter. His hockey was pretty good too. Thanks TJ for always making America proud, and for your dedication to making hockey as kinky as possible. We hope your team rewards you well for winning this trophy.
RUNNER UP: Dylan Strome AND Mitch Marner
Everyone knows that junior players only count for half a player. In an effort at being economical, this award nearly went to this duo as a two-for-the-price-of-one steal. As this award is voted for by players currently in the league, and these two have yet to complete a season in the NHL, it wasn’t meant to be, but these tiny hockeys are doing their best, and that’s all we can ask.
MASTERTON TROPHY
WINNER: Pascal Dupuis
Okay, listen. We like to joke around and have a laugh here at nhlpredictions, but if Dupuis doesn’t actually win this award then we think we’re going to cry for about 30 years, straight, without stopping. That spells dehydration and exhaustion, which no one wants.
RUNNER UP: Also Pascal Dupuis
For real.
MESSIER AWARD
WINNER: Eric Staal
There’s is no greater tragedy than a team trading away their captain, and yet, sometimes, it needs to happen. Thanks, E. Staal for your sacrifice this season and for letting Jordy play without a J in front of his name again. Please come back, though - Jeff Skinner misses his babysitter.
RUNNER UP: Brooks Laich
As the Messier award is a leadership award, it only makes sense that Laich be nominated. When the Capitals went to an amusement park, baby Swede Andre Burakovsky was afraid to go on a drop ride because he’s afraid of heights. Brooks Laich, acting as a leader, accompanied Burakovsky on the ride, and encouraged him to confront his fear by releasing the drop on the count of two, catching Andre unawares. If that’s not leadership, I’m not sure what is.
FOUNDATION AWARD
WINNER: Nikita Malkin
Let’s be honest, there is no act of community service greater than ensuring Evgeni Malkin’s happiness. Fatherhood looks good on Geno and we can’t wait for pictures of Nikita in the Cup where he belongs.
RUNNER UP: nhlpredictions mods
Last but not least, special shout out to us for being amazing and hilarious and bringing joy and laughter into the tumblr hockey fandom. We know we were the best part of this past season, and you can be assured that we’ll be back next season also, bigger and better than ever.
have suggestions for a future feature? wanna chat? our ask box is always open, or you can find us individually at @hockeycaptains and @tjoshov xoxo
Kris Letang will fight each of the refs and linesmen. As a result, he and the linesmen will end up in the penalty box together.
Patric Marleau will dye all of his hair, including his beard, teal in honor of his team and to give them an extra boost.
The DJ will play exclusively Adele.
There will be zero injuries, and everyone who was hurt will miraculously heal, because nothing is sadder than hockey players who can't play in the Stanley Cup Final Bc they're hurt :(
When asked about the game before it starts, Mike Sullivan will write the word SHARKS on a piece of paper and put it through a shredder sitting on the table.
Mod Nicole will receive last minute tickets to the final, and teleport to Pittsburgh. that's not gonna happen but like, dude. imagine.
The game may or may not go to seven OTs. If it does, the blues and the lightning will take over for the fourth and fifth OTs while the Sharks and penguins rest.
It’s an elimination game, so everyone hold onto your hats! I have a feeling we’re going to see some very, very good hockey tonight.
Game 4! Time flies when you’re having fun! Here’s what’s going to happen tonight:
Matt Nieto, a Californian hockey, befriends Beau Bennett because they go to In n Out together before the game. They eat their burgers on the curb outside the In n Out. A skateboard appears beneath Beau’s feet. Matt is suddenly wearing a snapback backwards, and they’re both wearing floral board shorts. Sick.
Kris Letang mistakenly fights teammate Olli Maatta, thinking he's a Sharks player. "Oh well," says Maatta, "of all the things that could've gone wrong, this probably isn't the worst possible outcome."
Tomas Hertl is out of the lineup yet again because he has quit hockey to become a farmer. He wears a cute farmer’s hat and flannels occasionally when he works on the farm.
Martin Jones is replaced by Seth Jones and no one notices until the second intermission. Ryan Jones is in goal during the third period, having caught a last-minute flight from Germany.
Shoutout to guest contributor @bgallaghers for the following bonus predictions:
Patrick Laine, determined to prove that he is NHL-ready, tries to suit up and join the Pens on the ice. He is thwarted.
The giant inflatable shark head ends up literally eating a player during warmups.
The Sharks will hand out the LED bracelets that were so popular at past games. Instead of lighting up in time with the music, however, they'll all glow bright red and the stadium will fill w the sound of a voice saying: ALL HAIL THE SHARK HOCKEYS
All the Sharks fans will be required to come to the game in full shark costume
Kris Letang will play a full 60 minutes, and fight the entire San Jose coaching staff. Mike Sullivan backs him up
Evgeni Malkin will use his New Dad Power and scores a hat trick
Logan Couture will grow six inches during the first intermission, and shrink back down to normal size during the second
The puck will get lost in Brent burn's beard and they need to take a commercial break to find it
Bonus: Martin Jones will be hugged a bunch throughout the game, bless
Like last time, this is a HIGH STAKES series, so we won’t be predicting final scores! Good luck, as always, if you have a horse in this race. We at nhlpredictions are fans of both teams, so we’ll try to keep it pretty even and unbiased here :)
To make things more exciting, the game will be played with two pucks, and each team will play two goalies. We anticipate it will be an even faster game than people thought it’d be because of this
Patric Hornqvist almost definitely plays shirtless
The Pens will wear their blue alternate jerseys (don’t worry Sid, nothing bad happens), and the Sharks will wear black. When asked why on earth they would do that, Joe Pavelski reportedly replied, “I’m always a slut for mixing things up.”
Joe Thornton’s beard gains sentience during the second period
Joel Ward gets a point on every goal, regardless of which team scored it
Trevor Daley operates the Zamboni during the game. “Great job, man,” says Tomas Hertl
Every time Marc-Andre Fleury saves a goal, flowers rain down on the San Jose bench
As a caveat, we are NOT predicting a final score, as we all know how capricious the hockey gods are and don’t want to jinx anything either way. Good luck to you if you have a horse in this race!
On to our predictions:
Evgeni Malkin will score at least 9 goals, all assisted by Sidney Crosby. Sid is not on the ice for all of these assists, but Geno insists that he still be credited.
This will be the highest scoring game of the playoffs, largely because all Matt Murray wanted for his birthday was to play forward in Game 7. In the spirit of fairness, both teams agree to place non-goalies in goal. For the Pens, rookie Conor Sheary takes the net. For the Lightning, Steven Stamkos is back and better than ever in his playoffs debut as a goalkeeper.
At the end of the third period, Mike Sullivan turns into an actual penguin from stress.
Kris Letang will fight every Lightning player (except for Stamkos, because that’s not bros).
Tyler Johnson will play the game dressed as a lightning bolt. To complete the look, he will dye his hair platinum blond.
Before they take the ice, the Lightning will charge up a doorknob with static electricity and will each get shocked as they go out for an extra spark in their step.
Ice-cat Joe Paw-velski scores the GWG for the sharks
To combat the ongoing bloodbath of the Pittsburgh/Tampa Bay series, the rest of this series will be lighthearted and peaceful. Everyone will have a lot of fun playing the sport they love
Instead of chirping, they’ll pay compliments to each other
“Great job on the face-off, man! I hope you get a point tonight!”
“Have you been working on your penalty killing? Super impressive.”
etc
The DJ will play at least one Celine Dion song
There will be at least seven St. Louis fans in the crowd, and one of them will be converted into a Sharks fan by the end of the night
Joke’s on them, though, because TWO Sharks fans will become Blues fans after interacting with Vladimir Tarasenko as he walks down the tunnel before the first intermission
hey friends, we’ll be back to posting predictions in the next day or two for the conference finals! sorry for the brief inactivity--your mods are a stars fan and a caps fan, and we needed a little time to mourn the tragedy of round two.
shoutout to you if your team is still kicking, and we promise to bring you 100% accurate predictions for this round, or your money back
The game will be canceled partway through the 2nd period in favor of an acapella concert by the stars performing Shania Twain songs, as they apparently are wont to do
Jori Lehtera will quit hockey in favor of accepting a movie role in an upcoming romantic comedy. He will play the forgettable but nice fiancé to the main character, and he’ll get dumped in favor of her old flame 20 minutes into the film
Tyler Seguin, frustrated at not being on the ice, will practice slapshots in Dallas. He’ll hit one particular puck so hard that it ends up in the back of the St. Louis net 10 minutes into the first period. 1-0 Dallas.
Brian Elliott will grow a third arm 5 minutes before the game starts. He won’t use it to block shots or anything, it’ll just kinda be there.
Final score: 1-0 Dallas, courtesy of a frustrated Tyler Seguin
-The Capitals will come out onto the ice wearing baseball caps instead of helmets. When asked about it, Alex Ovechkin will reply, “Beauty hurts.”
-Ovi will score a goal. When he does, Sidney Crosby will clench his fists and hiss, “Ovechkin”
-The Capitals will have 46 SOG, but only five of them will get in, mostly because of Matt Murray’s amazing goal-keeping but also because Marc-Andre Fleury is secretly a jedi who can’t help but steer pucks away from the net while he’s on the bench.
-Tom Wilson will climb into the press box and start a brawl with Kris Letang. During the ensuing Pittsburgh Power Play, Evgeni Malkin will score a goal. The assist will be credited to Wilson.
-During every one of his shifts, Sid will make sure to remind his linemates to, “Skate, skate.”
-Nicklas Backstrom will make a no-look pass to Ovi from half-way across the ice. The puck will hit cleanly on his tape.
Final score, 5-4 Caps. Nobody suffers the embarrassment of making an own goal.
