sunnybuns

the hermit of grand lake

[nib-ling]

the most precious little old lady stopped my in walmart today just yelling about my cute outfit and my hair and my tattoos, she showed me her tiny little hearts tattoo

the little abuela at the Mexican restaurant says “you know only beautiful women wear their hair like that”

that time in tulsa the old woman at the italian place told me she hopes i wear that smile every day

like lanterns on the path, saying “you will get here someday

you’ll be wrinkly and crooked and weird

if you just keep going”

[nib-ling]

[nib-ling]

it’s hard to imagine that last month andy has been gone ten years

longer than we had him

and it’s funny how in all those times combined all i ever heard is how little he must’ve meant to me

yet despite my hatred for christmas, ill always love to look at the lights

there’s always a little hip hop in my house

and sometimes on sundays i watch stupid shit we loved together like the longest yard,

and ironically,

life

[nib-ling]

when i said year of the dumbass i wasn’t calling for it to be a contest

twenty thousand dollars

id say you’ve lost your damn mind but it’s been MIA for a while now

what in the actual fuck

[nib-ling]

boy im glad im outgrowing my phobia of asking for things i reasonably need

*walks home from the shop because i locked myself out*

[nib-ling]

ive had this fucker for a near decade

when she’s clean and pretty like this you’d never know i gotta boil black reclaim outta her twice a week

[nib-ling]

finally got the green light to accumulate a dvd collection with the understanding that they all go into a binder and the cases go in the trash so they don’t clutter up the house

but jokes on him cause im getting 1) my own dvd collection and 2) another binder to alphabetize

i already have 170, it’s been like 2 weeks

yet another reason i was meant to live in a rural town

surrounded by cows, flea markets and yard sales

[nib-ling]

haven’t been able to drag my ass outta bed before 8 allllllll week long

first day off after ive declared that if im awoken before noon there will be hell to pay

it’s 7:15 im wide awake

[nib-ling]

you, who swallowed a falling star, oh heartless man.

[nib-ling]

I keep having this nightmare where i have the blue slide phone i did in high school

but in addition to my regular phone i have now

And of course what am i doing in this nightmare

but always stealing away to check it when im alone

just waiting for it to ring

replying to your messages like lightning just to wait again

“nothing ever hurt so bad as the no that you sent back”

even now in my well adjusted life, my medicated sleeps, you crawl though.

will i ever be free of you?

[nib-ling]

[nib-ling]

well it’s 9:15 in the morning and ive swept, mopped, and scrubbed my kitchen

probably safe to say the lexapro is lexaproing

[thenevernovel]

It's a special kind of torture to have the will to move mountains for someone, only to find the mountain is their own sorrow, and you are not allowed to touch it.

| excerpt from a novel I will never write

[nib-ling]

like a little wink from some time way back when

from someone i used to be

[nib-ling]

“tell me i don’t need options, that i have substance, that im important; even if its only for letting dogs out, sweeping porches. well, make make me nothing; take me way back. we go way back.”

[nib-ling]

me at 16 years old: it makes me so sad my bf and friends are weeders, i wish they’d quit

me at 30: if i smash a zip of dabs a month my thoughts can’t get me

[nib-ling]

i don’t know why mother’s day hit me like a fucking truck this year

but boy howdy it did

i hate the way i make shit about me

should’ve just stayed home

cause i cant relate to anyone’s stories

and no one laughs with me when i tell mine

the silence pushes me farther out on my island

clutching for connection like some alien being

like that’s all ive ever been

some Other Thing that just don’t think the same

or feel the same

and can’t figure out

how