sunnybuns

the hermit of grand lake

[nib-ling]

well it’s 9:15 in the morning and ive swept, mopped, and scrubbed my kitchen

probably safe to say the lexapro is lexaproing

[thenevernovel]

It's a special kind of torture to have the will to move mountains for someone, only to find the mountain is their own sorrow, and you are not allowed to touch it.

| excerpt from a novel I will never write

[nib-ling]

like a little wink from some time way back when

from someone i used to be

[nib-ling]

“tell me i don’t need options, that i have substance, that im important; even if its only for letting dogs out, sweeping porches. well, make make me nothing; take me way back. we go way back.”

[nib-ling]

me at 16 years old: it makes me so sad my bf and friends are weeders, i wish they’d quit

me at 30: if i smash a zip of dabs a month my thoughts can’t get me

[nib-ling]

i don’t know why mother’s day hit me like a fucking truck this year

but boy howdy it did

i hate the way i make shit about me

should’ve just stayed home

cause i cant relate to anyone’s stories

and no one laughs with me when i tell mine

the silence pushes me farther out on my island

clutching for connection like some alien being

like that’s all ive ever been

some Other Thing that just don’t think the same

or feel the same

and can’t figure out

how

[nib-ling]

“And I clutch my cloth, and I bite my tongue; I'm an aging wolf who lost the taste for blood, but even anxious pups need the Moon. I howl for you, I sing to you, I circle you. If I’m gonna lose you either way, if I’m gonna lose you either way…”

[nib-ling]

oh to be 14 with you fucking dorks again

making emergency marriage pacts

not even expecting to see 30

ratty hair and grimy skin

eyes bright and wide open

looking up to meet the world’s gaze so brave

i could’ve stood there forever i think

getting sucked back into time

things weren’t even what i’d call easier

but i loved who we were

i love who i was when i was with you guys

kinda makes me wish i had back then too

thanks for hugging me longer, man.

[nib-ling]

can’t go back to anything familiar without being terrified of what might still be There

it’s too easy in this bitty town to leave my glasses in the car,

slip in and out of the grocery store, work,

and retreat back into my cave unnoticed

when im Back There i feel like theres a sign on my head,

a single person You Are Here

as though anyone’s been looking

i think more than anyone else,

im afraid i’ll only run into who i was Before

and spend my 2 hour drive home thinking about the feeling

of slipping though without any of my old names being called after all

[nib-ling]

i used to be a puddle jumper

soaked to the knees and barefoot

laying on the cold concrete like maybe

i could get washed away, if not

just little by little, like some big stone

flowers in my hair and big clompy shoes

trying to be big as thunder

when do we start growing into ourselves?

stop blooming, stop changing with the season?

sometimes id kill to be that kid again,

if only for a minute

other times i feel like i still am Them, just

stuffed into this adult suit like 3 raccoons in a trench coat.

[nib-ling]

thank god i wasn’t driving

probably would’ve caused a wreck

turning around in my seat and fumbling for my glasses

couldn’t be sure with my blind ass these days

and i know it’d make you mad for me to say, but

i think id recognize the sight of your hair,

and of you taking a drag off a cigarette

just about any where.

[nib-ling]

“oh, i can’t keep starting over, sitting in a bed half empty; daydreaming. all love must leave, oh, but search for it i will… never mind, never mind, i’ll forget about it. i’ll be good, i’ll be fine, i can laugh about it. i try to keep on starting over…”

[nib-ling]

[nib-ling]

[nib-ling]

if you’re gonna tell everyone im killing you the least you could do is die about it

[nib-ling]

[nib-ling]

normal people finding out their scans look good: oh good what a relief

me: my rage in inconsolable, actually