I love this movie so fucking much. I guess I kinda relate to Charlie because I’ve been that ‘quiet weird kid’ in high school. I graduated almost a month ago and when I look back, I sometimes wish that I did some stuff in a different way - but I don’t regret anything. I remember when I was in ninth grade, in PE class, we were supposed to choose a partner to play volleyball but I wasn’t close with anyone in my class so I hid in the bathroom and cried - now that I’m thinking that was a bit dramatic lol. And one time, I was reading something on my desk during lunch break (because, again, I didn’t have friends lol) and there was a group of boys in the classroom. They were talking about ‘raping someone’ while laughing and I felt sick to my stomach, I wanted to tell them to shut up or explain what they were doing was wrong but I was too shy to do that. So, instead, I went to the bathroom and threw up while crying. Long story short, I don’t have many great memories about high school except the last two years. About a week ago, we had something like a prom and it was supposed to be one of the best nights of my life. I had my friends right beside me, I slow-danced with one of my friends (and I feel so thankful for him because he saw that I was feeling a bit down and tried to make my night better) but something happened and I found myself in the bathroom again, crying, and I felt so shitty. I was alone, I stared at the mirror for twenty minutes, I knew that my friends were looking for me but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I felt like I was in ninth grade again. “Sometimes, I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid.” I guess that feeling brought me back to this movie at 1 am in the morning, I cried a bit when Heroes started playing lol - I guess I cry a lot, is that bad? I don’t know. I feel like my feelings are too much for me to keep and they try to find a way out through my tears. And it is so strange that many people know me as this “gothic heartless robot” which is entirely wrong. I hate it when people portray me as someone I’m not and I hate it when they tell me who to be.
Well, the thing I love the most about this movie is that everyone can be themselves, as they are. Patrick expresses his emotions by words, by being physically affectionate, by telling his friends that he loves them, by kissing. Charlie is the opposite, he doesn’t talk much about the way he feels; he writes, he makes Sam mixtapes including so many love songs for her to understand that he likes her. Nothing is wrong with both of them, they are still full of love for each other, just in different ways. And this is okay. They know that they are loved, they care about each other's needs and that’s how it’s supposed to be when you’re friends with someone. Or when you’re in a relationship. I guess I’m the ‘depressive but funny one’ in my friend group and I keep zoning out in the middle of a conversation but they never made me feel bad for this and I appreciate it, I feel safe and seen. When I first watched this movie I was in ninth grade and I was all alone but now I deeply love everyone in my life and I feel peaceful around them.
Another thing that I love about this movie is that it shows how it feels to be a teenager. It’s complicated to love someone who’s in love with someone else, to be in a relationship that doesn’t feel right, to learn who you are, to shape your life on your own… Adults seem to forget how painful it is to find your personality - it feels like you’re exploring yourself with a knife. Before high school, I was extremely social and I could talk to anyone and my teachers hated me for being ‘too much’ but when I first started high school, I barely spoke to anyone in my first two years. Things change, people change. We’re just a bunch of children who are trying to become themselves. You know, philosophers constantly argue about what’s the distinctive thing that shows us that someone is a good person. I think when someone is trying to be a bit better than yesterday, they’re a good person. I sincerely believe that I’m trying my hardest to be a nice person, I only had one friend that I parted ways with and I talked to her a few days ago. We just talked casually. I’m not mad at her because I know that she didn’t mean to hurt me, we just look at things differently. I want to see her bloom, just not in my garden. I also parted ways with someone else too but fuck him, I don’t want to talk about it. But other than that, I’ve never had to cut someone off of my life.
I don’t know. Relationships and people are messy things.
“Love is awful. It’s awful. It’s painful. It’s frightening. It makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself, distance yourself from the other people in your life. It makes you selfish. It makes you creepy, makes you obsessed with your hair, makes you cruel, makes you say and do things you never thought you would do. It’s all any of us want, and it’s hell when we get there. So no wonder it’s something we don’t want to do on our own. I was taught if we’re born with love then life is about choosing the right place to put it. People talk about that a lot, feeling right, when it feels right it’s easy. But I’m not sure that’s true. It takes strength to know what’s right. And love isn’t something that weak people do. Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope. I think what they mean is, when you find somebody that you love, it feels like hope.”
I thought about this quote while I was watching the movie. “So no wonder it’s something we don’t want to do on our own.” Life’s hard, loving someone is harder; it feels so human to need someone to help you through it all. I guess at this point in my life I’m trying to learn that it’s not a bad thing to be needy and this movie helps me a lot.
yousharknotpass
turnnoffyourmind
vaporwave
janainaart
snowghoul
germansingergirl
jacobvanloon
